SO YOU THINK YOU CHOSE THE WRONG MAN? by R.C. BLAKES

[Music] hey man what's up what's up what's up what's up this is rc blakes and welcome back welcome back oh i said welcome home welcome home because we're family right i'm so excited to be able to share with you you know i've uh this is actually pre-recorded and i'm premiering it so that we can kind of interact in the in the comments and what have you and i'm actually recording this at like two o'clock in the morning it's just like something that came over me and i was supposed to be sleeping but i felt it necessary to get up and to actually film this so if i if i look tired it's because i am i just got dressed for this i put my hat on and everything just for this this is this is my swag when you get to be an older guy you find your swag in your hats and what have you but i want to talk for just a few minutes about you know subject matter again that comes from one of my emails that i got from one of the dear hearts that that watches me quite frequently and she wasn't the only one i've had this question many times and the question is you know what do i do if i've married the wrong man or if i'm seriously committed to the wrong man and i have you know i have my word out here there's the public profile um you know if i'm married i and i'm christian i have all of the um the spiritual and biblical law um ramifications what do i do with that well first of all you know this is a very real a very real situation where people male and female find themselves you know marrying you know the wrong person or possibly the wrong person and sometimes it's not necessarily the wrong person as much as it is uh i think in most cases really it's not so much the wrong person as much as it is you have two people who never really understood the concept of of relationship in marriage and by that i mean the whole concept of marriage in relationship is to supply each other you know to become servants one to to another in this alpha male alpha alpha female era where it's really not understood from a biblical perspective we have people that are you know taking conquering their conquering their mates rather than living in dominion with them and so a lot of times it's it boils down to just a a you know a fundamental misunderstanding of the whole concept of marriage in relationship that you're not there to take but you're there to give and if if both are giving everything that they have uh everything that is necessary necessary to the other then there's you know there's no lack so then we have what no problem but that's in an ideal world you know we live in a world where um even in the context of marriage in relationships people are selfish and and people are self-centered um a lot of these relationships can be salvaged you know a lot of times you're um you know you're you're unimpressed maybe you're irritated disgusted for a moment about things that may really be reconcilable then you have situations that in my opinion are just not reconcilable somebody puts their hands on you uh i'm not the one to tell you that you should or should not go back to a situation like that but as far as i'm concerned in a personal um from a personal standpoint that's a that's a deal breaker you know what i mean you can recover from cheating people make mistakes but um a serial cheater you know that continues to do this over and over and over again uh that's a deal breaker because not only are you tampering with you know my self-esteem my public profile my self-worth my children's understanding of what marriage is really supposed to be you're also playing with my health you know cheating today is not just this is not the cheating of your grandparents or your great-grandparents where they went out and they did their little thing and you know at worst somebody had to go get a shot well this that they can kill you and so these are very real situations that's my point these are very very real situations um and there are few reasons that i find women run into these issues you know where you you throw your hands up and you say well i married the wrong man r.c i need you to help me i married the wrong man and you want me i know what you want you want me to give you a get out of jail free card i can't do that necessarily you know i can't do that you have to ultimately make your own choices and you have to be able to live with those choices and you have to know that those choices were valid or not you have to do that all i can do is just share some of my thoughts with you and a few reasons i find women running into these situations is number one there was no knowledge um of the man's temperament you know you just kind of got you got kind of got carried away with the sex appeal you got carried away with um you know the the the chemistry or what have you and you just let that thing carry you and it carried you so far that it carried you deep into a relationship and you really had no inkling about this man's temperament you know before a woman advances too far with a man you should check out a little more than his biceps how big his feet are how big his hands are if you catch my drift you should check out his temperament especially when he's angry because whatever you see modeled in the streets that's coming home with you behind closed doors where there are no cameras there are no police there's nobody to help and if you see a man that goes wild in the streets that's probably not a man you necessarily want to bring home with you because there's the tendency within you know uh relationships where people domicile together to get angry with one and one one another and so you never checked out his temperament and so now you you're getting the chance to see this and you realizing that you you may be living with a dangerous man you you you never you never you never checked out his temperament you never verified watch this check this out you also never verified his alpha status and now the energy in the relationship is too feminine for your taste we're flipping the coin not only might you know you know you didn't know his temperament before you went too far not only might he not be mighty be too violent or too volatile at least combustible but now you're discovering that he's a little he's a little too feminine you know he's not a homosexual that's not what i'm saying but he's he's feminine he whines you know um he fussing with you like like like like a girlfriend all day long um feminine energy and so when a man is feminine turns you off chitta chatters too much just talking all day man it's probably running running his mouth like that like like two women you know you you can't get a word in edgewise for me just running his mouth but see you didn't check all of this out and so now you're you're you you're playing this big wedding you're married you got not as this these little things it's the little foxes the bible says that spoils divine um you're finding out that his character is hurting the family you never you you believe the advertisement you see the guy i like the way people say it the guy that you're dating and and even the guy that you to large extent that you walk the aisle with is the real guy's representative you meet the real guy after the wedding and it's after that you discover that he has character that hurts the family he's a cheater you know he's a gambler he he doesn't keep a job you see so a lack of knowledge of a man's temperament brings a woman into um scenarios where she's um having to throw her hands up and say hey help i married the wrong man um now how do we deal with this when we find ourselves in a situation where we feel like we're with the wrong person because this stuff applies both ways male and female the kings can apply it as well as the queens how do we how do we how do we begin to deal with this okay here's some of my late night half sleep thoughts number one when you discover that there are some issues in your marriage you know that are not life-threatening if you're if you're having life-threatening issues in your marriage you you need to put space between you and that person that's just that's just great advice right there if it's a life-threatening situation you need to cut this video off and you need to put space between you and you and that individual but if you just got normal people's problems you know somebody lied somebody has um an irritating idiosyncrasy somebody uh cheated you know and we got to work our way through this okay let's let's let's take it from that perspective number one there must be clear articulation of your unhappiness about whatever the situation is and why you're unhappy there must be clear articulation about your unhappiness and why you're unhappy see you don't want to fall into this um female slave conditioning where you buy into this thing you you know you you you you may never get another man and so you trying to hold on to man that's hurting you rather than confront queens queens wisely confront queens do not hold on to poison and queens do not entertain insecurities so the first step is you got you got to have clear articulation about your unhappiness and why you're unhappy specifically now let me give you some wisdom here this must be done at a non-emotional moment you don't you don't try to have this you don't make these statements when everything's in a rage this has to be at a non-emotional moment after affirming your love and respect for this man you have to let him know you're unhappy why you're unhappy no emotional outburst and if a man cannot connect at this level you may not have a basis for reconciliation if you're coming to a man and you're saying this hurt me and this is why i'm hurt about it and if he can't deal with that if he can't handle that truth it may be signs of the end because if you start out right here communicating your pain and your hurt about something that he did or you at least perceived he did and he has no he has no conversation for you regarding this it may be a sign that you just you literally you know you're unequally yoked the bible says in matthew 5 37 but let your communication be yea nay nay for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil and the overall point of this this uh text is let your communication be clear concise and honest just speak the whole truth and nothing but the truth and when you're dealing with this situation speak the whole truth and nothing but the truth and expect the same from your spouse or significant other so this is the time that you challenge him to tell you the whole truth of the situation and um if he's if he's man enough to admit his wrong whatever that wrong may be if he's man enough to admit that wrong and you can sense you know a spirit of um remorse on him repentance you have to not only challenge him to tell the truth but then you have to be prepared to start the process of forgiving him you have to be prepared to start the process of forgiving him you know now if he's if he's gone out and he's he's cheated on you and you feel like this is just his character he's not going to change well you have every right then to make you know whatever moves you need to make or vice versa she's gone out and she's done the same you have every right to make any move you want to make but if even after that if you sense that this is a mistake they made you got to be big enough you know you got to be big enough man to let people make mistakes inside of a marriage and not throw the whole thing away because somebody proved to be human now if they're flawed and just you know just a mess well you can't do nothing with that but move on with your life but in any event you have to be prepared after they after they honestly share their truth with you you now have to be prepared to forgive and and to and to let it go you know not holding it in your heart in other words not forgetting about it but not holding it in your heart and not holding it against them number two you have to allow him to articulate his feelings and his needs you've just gotten through uh clearly articulating your unhappiness and why so now you want to open the floor for him to articulate his feelings his needs because they're two people in a marriage and it's a very very rare occasion that one person ruins a marriage or a relationship you know um we we never make excuses because at the end of the day we all make a choice to do whatever you know we do but let's talk about the thing relative to to cheating um well you know a brother may say well you know she cheated on me she cheated on me and you know the end of the world she cheated on me she's no good woman she's a lowdown woman well that may sound you know true and that that may be true but let's let's dig a little deeper um how much affection did you give her how much attention did you give her how much conversation did you have for you know what i mean how available emotionally were you there for her see these are the things that we do to set a woman up for failure in terms of fidelity you know women typically typically is getting a little tricky here now today with a lot of this stuff y'all carrying on but typically women don't cheat unless we have deprived them of something emotionally or we have hurt them just that bad that they want to get back at us now when you flip that thing you say the man well the brother cheated and the wife said well you know he's a cheetah he's a cheetah um well let's let's dig a little deeper when's the last time you gave him you know what he need you've been having headaches for the last six months you should have been in the hospital huh you're the married man you don't get a man no uh no sex come on now what you thought you were walking down now getting married for so now you gotta allow you we're talking about the cheating but now you got to allow space for him to share his feelings and his needs sometimes we are mutually depriving each other one deficiency leads to another that's usually how it works in marriage that's how it works in significant relationships so you can't just you know bombard him with you know a bombard him with you know articulating you unhappy and why are you unhappy because i'm not happy because you did this you did that admit it yeah i did it i did it now you have to be wise enough to open the floor because at the end of the day we're not striving to just be right we're not even striving to be right we're striving to get things get things back to right we we're striving for reconciliation we're not striving for the i'm right trophy so if we're really striving for reconciliation now you have to allow him to articulate his feelings and needs listen to what the bible says in philippians 2 and 4 look not every man on his own things but every man also on the things of others you have to shift that thing from your selfish agenda now to uh a we agenda and you make it a we agenda when you flip it to him and say now tell me you know what's going on with you where can i improve what what are you not happy about you've heard my peace but now what are you not happy about uh this is also where you admit to your failures as he begins to articulate you know just like uh he he shared and said i admit i did this i did that i i you know i quit the job you know wasn't wise and i did xyz and he admitted to all of that stuff you accused him of well now it's your turn you got to go where no no girl has gone before you got to admit you were wrong you got to admit you were wrong this is how you make this is how you make a relationship work it's more to it than just throwing your hands on i married the wrong man no maybe y'all doing a relationship the wrong way all right number three while he's talking and i'm talking to you ladies specifically while he's talking and he's sharing listen for pain and trauma in your man listen for pain and trauma in you man you know when you see a man that repeated repeatedly gets caught cheating can't keep his behind home for nothing won't keep his britches up for nothing well when you when you find a man cheating like that or you find a man that's just kind of stuck in you know a grown man stuck in front of a video screen for five six seven hours a day well there's something there's something to that that's deeper than that behavior there's some pain there's some trauma there and see guys are typically we hold everything close to the breast so many times we have to have women who kind of like psychoanalyze us like like wives can do and figure us out to begin to to help us and you have to begin to listen you see a man behaving poorly listen for pain and trauma in him you're listening to understand watch this you're listening for the pain and the trauma to understand him not to fix him you're listening to understand him not to fix him you see because one of the major downfalls with a lot of sisters is and someone a dear heart sent me uh a message that contained this bit of um principle that i'm getting ready to share with you or this bit of information i'm getting ready to share with you which was powerful in this in this um correspondence she sent me she said that many times empaths you know which women are empaths always want to fix it for your man always wanting to fix your man get build build a bear build a man or whatever but pride many times slips into the empaths agenda without the empath being aware and the empath becomes so prideful that the empath believes i can change him against his will so that even when a man is fundamentally flawed and does not even want to change maybe is not even capable of changing there's something in you that says but you can change it and what this does is this cements your life this creates a soul tie that cements your life to a man that will consistently take take take take take and drain drain drain drain drain and never give back never pour back you have you have to listen for the pain and the trauma so that you can understand what you're dealing with and it's always in in people's language i forget who who said this you know whenever it becomes hysterical we know it's historical you know you pay attention to when your man or even your woman just gets hysterical you know they just just get all discombobulated oh just over nothing just room they just blow up like a like a gasoline fire well when it becomes hysterical we know it's historical it's something in that past that we gotta search for and we have to locate and identify because it's that past that's creating this present dysfunction and listen to what the bible says in galatians 6 1 and 2 brethren if a man be overtaken in a fault you which a spiritual restore such and one in the spirit of meekness considering thyself lest thou also be tempted bear ye one another's burdens and so fulfill the love of christ why is it important to bear one another's burdens and to to search or to listen for people's pain or trauma it's because everything rides on what cause and effect there's always a root for every fruit and a wise woman searches for the root of the situation so she can know exactly what she's dealing with when you find the root you know how to pray when you find the root you know what kind of counsel you need to get you know and um number four construct okay now we've we've gone through three you know where i'm listening now i'm listening for for you know listening to you and i'm listening for pain and trauma in your life without you even realizing it you can't say to me well now tell me what hurt you well you're gonna shut him down you have to you have to be wise enough to ask questions that will fish for it and then you have to begin to put it all together a great way to do this is to just you know ask a man when he's vulnerable he's always vulnerable when he's hurt you or offended you and you're angry and he's trying to get back in your good graces a great way to do that is with a smile on your face tell me about your childhood and then just let him let him and see what happens is they go as we go into that childhood that that stuff that really hurts hurt us begins to come out and now you as a wife can begin to identify those things now it does a few things for you it gives you information that you need to be able to deal with this man better but it also gives you gives you what you need to have a greater compassion for him and a greater patience in certain situations so number four if we get to this point number four construct a joint strategy to rebuild the relationship from this point you know to whatever extent it's been impacted you know depending on what the behavior was sit down and if if everybody wants this you know we'll be able to do this but if if all parties or both parties involved if both parties don't want this this will be nearly impossible to accomplish where you sit down and you construct a joint strategy to rebuild the relationship if there is a basis now believe it or not i know i know most of you all think that lisa and i are the perfect couple and that we you know we just wake up every day she wakes up with makeup on and i wake up with my hair combed and i wake up with my hat on my head and my glasses and my beard comb no we've had our struggles and we've had to uh we've offended one another we've hurt one another and we've had to work our way through certain things and we've had to do what i'm encouraging you to do right now we've had to construct a joint strategy to rebuild our relationship and what what our problem was was that we were we hadn't updated our marital manual we were still trying to run our marriage probably in year 10 off of the manual we got a decade ago and the manual needs to be updated really every 18 months or so because you're dealing with a brand new person new feelings new new goals new ideas and so we hadn't done that and so you know there was this space that emotional space that developed between us and it came to a head and we had to sit down and we had to we had to construct a joint strategy to get back to where we knew we were to be and the same for you it's not always necessary to just throw your hands up and give up because somebody's on your nerves nobody's on anybody's nerves more than you know i'm on lisa's nerves i'm you know she on my nerve um look what the bible says in isaiah 1 18-20 and this is god speaking he says come now and let us reason together let us talk about it let's talk it through saith the lord though your sins be a scarlet they shall be as white as snow though they be red like crimson they shall be as wool if you be willing and obedient you shall eat the good of the land but if you refuse and rebel you shall be devoured with the sword for the mouth of the lord hath hath spoken it but he says what come let us reason together let's find let's let's come to terms amos three and three can two walk together except they be agreed come on let us let us agree together let's find a way that both of us can agree upon that leads us back to our happy place we don't need to entertain some of the thoughts that we're having you know we don't need to throw our hands up and give up on this necessarily we we have something that can be saved yeah you hurt me uh yes i've done some things to you but you know if i move on if you move on the next person gonna hurt you i'm gonna hurt the next person we're gonna do things so why not if if if the respect and the love and the security is still in the relationship let's let's construct a strategy to get us back on track let's reason together and then number five define the consequences for not changing because we're not just gonna sit here and do all this talking and uh not have some real points where each of us has to change see because if we keep doing the same thing we're going to keep getting the same stuff and i'm not i'm not willing to sell myself out like that we we both have to change and if i don't change this is what's going to happen if you don't change this is what's going to happen even in that text we just read he says come now let us reason together saith the lord though your sins be a scarlet they shall be white as snow though they be red like crimson they shall be as wool if you be willing and obedient you shall eat the good of the land but if you refuse and rebel you shall there are consequences you see you you cannot have all this is good stuff right here you really cannot have a healthy relationship without consequences there has to be unspoken unspoken consequences at least like in in maya and lisa's relationship there are unspoken consequences that we've never had to utter i thank god that we have been healthy enough that we've never had to utter this is what will happen or that is what will happen it's like you know we articulated who we who we were as individuals and what us what our standards were to the point and so well that each of us knew if you cross this line you know finito i don't care what the people say finito finito finito you see everybody you got to have you got to have consequences it is when when you have a relationship where there are no consequences it is an indication that one or more of you is slave conditioned you are so married to the idea of marriage that you will tolerate anything just to have that label without that real experience most people that have had weddings don't know what it means to have a marriage but they're they're married to the idea they're married to the profile of all of that and they they they cling on to it because they're not healthy you have to define the consequences for not changing this behavior cannot go on this behavior will not be tolerated any longer i am not going to say to you one more time if you do this again i will never say that again i've already said that too many times so if you do this again you already understand you will not hear from me i will not tell you i will not tell you not one more time if you do this again i've said if you do this again for the last time that's a consequence that's a consequence consequences have to be a part of any healthy relationship you know if you don't respect these boundaries here are the consequences all right let's see something here and then number number number six and i'm done um when you get through with all of this if you're healthy enough to go through all of this all the way to the point where you're sitting together as a couple and you're constructing a joint strategy to rebuild a relationship and you're healthy enough mature enough to define the consequences for not complying with what both of you agreed upon changing and doing when you get through with all of that you're still going to need some professional counseling or therapy you're gonna need somebody see because you're gonna discover some things you're gonna discover some hurts and some wounds some trauma and pain in each other that's creating a lot of the friction and you're gonna need somebody that is professional and objective you know i'm a pastor so people like to get their pastors to counsel but sometimes you got to go deeper than that you know because i'm i'm i'm too intricately involved with my members it's like family you know what i mean you need somebody that doesn't know you at all so the stuff that you might be shamed to say in front of your pastor or your mother your dad you go talk to somebody you don't know so it doesn't matter they're not in your circle and you can put it all on the table because most of these these marriages and these relationships are failing because people have stuff going on between their ears that they need reconciled if we can get this stuff this clutter if we can get this emotional and psychological and spiritual clutter from between your ears we can we can make you the healthy individual that your spouse or your significant other significant other needs but you're going to have to consider councilman the bible says in proverbs 24 and 6 for by wise counsel thou shalt make thy war and in multitude of counselors there is safety so um i labeled for this one i hope that you got something out of it i really do um at the end of the day you know when we get through talking about all the all of the things we talk about it's about trying to do our best to keep people together you know you know though i talk directly to the women about the queen consciousness thing and i i expose all of the games that dudes play and we do play those games at the end of the day my aim is to do my best to help those of you who have relationships that are salvageable to to save those relationships those of you that need to be marching my aim is to give you the information that you need to make a decision that you probably should have been made but those that we can save the too many too many relationships and marriages are falling apart unnecessarily just for a lack of wisdom now father i thank you for this time in this word that you've ordained and god i ask you to grant your people wisdom grant them wisdom to know exactly what to do and how to do it in jesus name amen now listen you know i'm not a counselor so better help the link for better help counseling is in the description you can hit the link and uh you you'll get a discount but those of you that need counseling or you know you want some kind of professional therapist i encourage you to follow the link and connect with connect with better help also don't forget to register for king ology happening in october queenology 2.0 part two is happening in december um i'm excited about my mordecai mentoring group i'm so excited about that it's a select group of women that um we chose from the first queenology um cyber conference that i'm spending 12 weeks with we're gonna meet once a week and i'm going to just personally pour into them i think we shut the number off at i think we shut it off at 20 if i'm not mistaken maybe around 20 22 and every week i'll be pouring into them this is my first time doing this and i'm looking forward to the experience um so hey i let then there's no more room so don't worry about you know emailing about trying to get in it's closed i'll see how this goes and and maybe i'll do it again but it's going to be an exciting experience for all of us don't forget to go to amazon check out all of my books i need you to go and purchase some or all of my online programs queenology um there's a queen in you queenology 2.0 training for reigning that's an online program that's there now the first half um um transcending the father wound those of you who struggling with father wounds wisdom for women in ministry soul ties all of these are online programs and you have lifetime access you can go to rcblakes.com look up look under online programs and you'll find it right there you want you want to look for the links for queenology or kingology look under live events and you'll find the links right there i need my brothers to register for kingology it's going to be absolutely amazing and just know that i love you and i thank god for you thank you for hanging out with me and just know that you're on top and you're going higher god has more in store for you and we're going to be all right go to my website sign up for my email list i need you on that email list i need you on there if something happened to youtube today or tomorrow how would i reach you would you want to be reached by me would you want to know where i'm at and what i'm doing well that's the importance of signing up for my email list you don't we don't know if these platforms are gonna so i need you to sign up for my email let's go to rcblakes.com it's right on the front page and just know lisa and i love you god bless you and have a great great night morning with whatever part of the world you're in god bless you [Music] you

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Keywords: rc blakes, queenology

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Length: 44min 52sec (2692 seconds)

Published: Tue Sep 01 2020