HOW TO LEAVE A NARCISSIST- An Exit Strategy by R.C. Blakes

I am so excited today to be able to come to you once again I promised you some time ago that we would get into a certain subject relative to the narcissist today I'm talking about a narcissist exit strategy how do you get away from this person stay right there and we'll be back to talk about it we want to get back to our discussion on race relations in the United States plus pasture RC Blanks jr. joins let's talk oh well thank you so much for thank you so much for tuning in and I just appreciate all of the support that I'm getting from all over the United States of America all in the United Kingdom all over the world actually this has just been an amazing ride well today we're looking at going back into my Studies on the narcissist in and I will say as I always do I'm no expert I'm no I'm no psychologist I'm no therapist I'm just a pastor and man and I started studying this subject matter this individual called the narcissist some time ago and it's really deepened my understanding of human relations because I have discovered that excuse me we are dealing with this person more times than we realize and so today I want to kind of talk about what what how do you get away from this person you know how does one break because it seems to be very difficult to break these relationships because they are commingled these narcissistic relationships are commingled with something I've written a book on a spiritual phenomenon called the soul time and so sometimes it feels like you know this relationship is quicksand I want to get out but it keeps pulling me deeper and deeper and deeper I don't like where I am I don't I don't want to be where I am but I don't know how to how to get out there's a biblical account actually in First Samuel chapter 18 there's a biblical account of David in his relationship with King Saul it would be first samuel 18 verses 5 through 11 and I'll just give you the gist of it you can read it in your in your own time on your own time Saul has called David to serve in his cabinet I suppose you would say and david has been appointed over the basically the army the Warriors and David goes and he does what he's hired to do what he's called to do he takes the Warriors and he leads them into war well one day after David gets through with a great victory David the soldiers in Seoul are marching back into the city and there's this great festive environment the people out in the Bible specifically says that the women came out and they were singing celebrating the victory and the women said Saul has killed his thousands but david has killed his tens of thousands now I don't know if I would go as far as to say that Saul was a narcissist but we definitely see in this biblical account that he has a narcissistic moment that we can glean some truth from and Saul hears that the the women ascribed to him thousands and to David tens of thousands the Bible says that Saul became very angry and he said notice how they have given him tens of thousands and he's they've given to meet thousands what more can he have but my throne the Bible says that soul eyed David from that day forward and it went to the point that Saul actually threw a javelin at him to kill him and David realized what was going on and the Bible says David avoided out of Seoul's presence once he discovered the souls heart had changed and this narcissistic at least this narcissistic moment came about that Saul only saw what was best for soul and was blinded even to the service that David was providing him the Bible says that day it avoided soul he escaped him now that's interesting because I think we glean from David's response some wisdom if you would for exiting a narcissistic relationship and the reason we need the wisdom is because the narcissistic relationship is a web it's a web of lies it's a web of false obligations and responsibilities that the the victim of the narcissist is conditioned to believe is my responsibility you know I'm responsible for this I'm responsible for that so there are a lot of psychological twists and turns that keeps the individual tied into this narcissistic person and though David loved soul the beautiful thing is that we see number one that David put distance between he and soul David created an environment where there would be no possibility of contact if you want to sincerely exit if you want to sincerely exit a narcissistic relationship isolation is imperative for the liberation of your soul one of the hardest things to do is to break contact with a person that is as diabolical with a person that is so destructive to one's mental physical financial and even physical health it's hard to break from this individual because you have to remember this in your heart you really love them but in their heart you're just an opportunity and so this is why it's it's problematic it is a task to know in your mind that I do not need this person in my space but then having the power to actually do it somehow escape you it's because your motivations were from a place of love and love has a tendency to cling and to hope but no contact is imperative now psychologists and therapists and counselors call it the no contact rule now let me read this the rule means exactly what it says cutting off all communication with this individual with this individual be it UX be it your friends be it a co-worker whatever cutting off all communication with this individual it is like getting rid of an addiction to drug therefore no contact means no text messaging no calls no going over no emails no doing anything that boils down to getting in touch with this individual no following them on social media trying to see what they're doing or leaving your page or your pages open for them to see what you're doing in to contact you it means exactly what it says if you really want to come out of this thing you have to create a climate around yourself of no contact now the biblical example of a narcissist or another biblical example of a narcissist is Jezebel now I have no doubt about Jezebel being an example of a narcissist she is the biblical model for what narcissism looks like the prophet Elijah in his dealings with Jezebel he destroyed her false prophets Jezebel was a demonic woman and she raised up in in Israel she raised up Idol gods and the the prophet Elijah a man of God came into the territory and he challenged and defeated all of her false prophets and when he got through defeating all of her false prophets Jezebel wanted to kill him and he said she sends a word to him that the same thing you've done to my false prophets or to my prophets of bill I'm going to do to you tomorrow but the way Elisha responds to the narcissistic abuse of Jezebel teaches us something Elisha Jezebel sends him message and Elijah puts distance between he and Jezebel in first Kings 19 2 & 3 it says then Jezebel sent a messenger unto Elisha saying so let the gods do to me and more also if I make not thy life as the life of one of them by tomorrow about this time and when he saw that he arose and went or ran for his life and came to came to Bathsheba's which belongs to Judah and left his servant there when he realized that he was in the scope of this narcissistic demonic person the Bible says he ran for his life you have to understand this as well in as much as you may love this individual and as much as you you may not understand some things you're at a place now where you have to simply run for your life now here's some of the rules of no-contact I got this from a site called paired life and listen to what it says rules of no-contact these are rules of no contact after a breakup but same thing applies you do not call them either on the telephone or through any Internet application you do not text them a message them either through SMS or any social media application you do not answer your do not answer your answer their phone calls or reply to their text messages you do not stalk them either in person or on social media you block them from all social media sites you do not get places you do not go places rather this is big where you're likely to run into them in order to accidentally bump into them you do not use your mutual friends or family even in order to be updated about their current status asking if they're seeing someone else or if there's any indication they want to get back together you do not arrange to be where you know they'll be and you pretty much leave places where you guys shared space now that's that's that's pretty cut-and-dry if you really want to exit this relationship you must create an environment of no contact listen to what the Bible says in Matthew 5 29 and 30 and if that right eye offend thee pluck it out and cast it from thee for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell and if that right hand offend thee cut it off cast it from thee for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish and not that thy whole body should be cast in ail what's the principle there anything that is disagreeing with your well-being you have to learn to separate from it when you're in a position like sharing okay with if you're sharing children with a narcissist and it's necessary to encounter them you'll have to do this thing that I call insulation you have to insulate your soul you have to insulate your mind in other words because you know for at least you know 16 years 17 18 years you're gonna have to deal with this individual and probably even after that because the children have have children there'll be shared grandchildren and so now you're gonna have to learn how to even though you cannot create entirely a separation of space geographically you have to you have to insulate your soul so that you create no contact emotionally and psychologically in other words you don't allow them to get into your head you live your life now with this individual from a spiritual place rather than an emotional place and when you live your life with this individual for whatever time you have to be around them or before however much you have to contact them or deal with them when you live your life from a spiritual place you live your life from a higher plane than they can operate on the narcissist cannot operate on a level of divine wisdom and the Bible says in proverbs 24 and 7 wisdom is too high for a fool there's a level that you have to go on that insulates your soul from the tricks and the traps of the narcissist and and a few things that we can add before I move on to main point number two under you know how is it that you create there's no contact and if you have children how do you insulate your your mind from the influence of this individual or from the grips of this individual number one when you around them control the conversation with as few words as possible if all it requires it for you to make the transaction of giving him or her their their their child and the child that you all share if at all if all it requires is hello yeah here you are I'll be back at such-and-such time let that be it all of the small talk in the chatter you don't need that you don't need that secondly under this point keep it strictly business you you can't be friends you know you have the narcissus will probably say to you you know we can we at least be friends well see that's just bait that's just baiting you back into the very trap that you just were blessed to escape from and if you buy into the idea that we can be friends you you were his or her friend from the beginning but they were never yours because they were incapable of being your friends so no we can't be friends keep it strictly business Bible says in proverbs 22 24 and 25 make no friendship with an angry man and with a furious man thou shalt not go let's now learn his ways and get a snare to thy soul so no we can't be friends how do you how do you manage this when you have to deal with this person for whatever reason control the conversation as few words as possible keep it strictly business it can't be friends let us see under this anticipate the manipulation maneuvers and counteract all you have to do is think back on how this person has manipulated you and twisted your mind up in the past and just keep that at the front of your mind and anticipate those moves and then you counter those moves with wise responses or in men in most cases no response at all and then finally let Addie approach the encounter from a spiritual place I mentioned that earlier don't approach it from an emotional place approach the encounter from a spiritual place the Bible says in Isaiah 59 19 so shall they fear the name of the Lord from the west and his glory from the rising of the Sun when the enemy shall come in like a flood the Spirit of the Lord shall lift up a standard against him when you approach this individual from a spiritual place you also engage the Holy Spirit to lift up a standard against any attack any trap in a trick that this individual might be bringing in your direction because you're no longer on an emotional level you no longer honor you know you know within a carnal mind but now you're functioning from a spiritual place so the stuff that would have gotten by you now I can't get by the Holy Spirit okay so so main point number 1 all of that was under no contact first thing we see with David is that when he discovered that Saul was having this narcissistic episode and to the point that he wanted to kill him David put space between he and so there was no contact there was no contact the second thing that I will say to you is as an exit strategy out of a narcissistic the grips of a narcissistic relationship is that you have to denounce the need for closure you must denounce the need for closure the second thing I love about David's experience with Saul is that David was not you you don't you don't see what David is kind of like caught up on I wonder why Saul did this I wonder why it's it's like David said it is what it is and it's like he accepted the present reality even though David meant saw nothing but good and did nothing but good for us all it's like David was not caught up in this trap of I just need to know why I need to understand why he turned I need to know why he wanted to kill me I need closure that's one of the let me read this closure is the idea that I need something to be spoken or done to allow my mind to accept things as they are I need an apology closure is a search for why if it's the subconscious hope of remaining possibilities really when you're asking for closure that is your subconscious mind stalling because there's hope that this can work out and I just I want I want closure so I can feel better about this and hopefully that closure will lead to repentance and this individual will fall on his or her knees and will beg my forgiveness and then we can move on happily into our future that's the subconscious agenda of a strong unhealthy need for closure at the base of it many times most of the time is that there's this subconscious desire that I can if I can get them to see how bad they've hurt me and how wrong they are they will apologize and then we can actually move forward but the greatest hook of perpetuating the connection between you and the narcissist or any toxic relationship is the idea of closure the need for closure keeps the wound open the need for closure keeps the wound open it's a fantasy that the person that broke you will fix you if I can just get closure if I can just get closure I'll feel so much better everything would be so much better it's a fantasy that the person who broke you will fix you the desire for closure is a broken psychology a broken psychology is hook it is your broken consciousness being hooked by the very victimizer for lack of another term it is it is your broken consciousness being hooked by the abuser any closure closure keeps you the need the drive for closure keeps you connected let's see something here so forgiveness is the closure that you need forgiveness is the closure that you need if you if you sincerely and honestly want closure from a painful toxic destructive narcissistic abusive relationship you just gotta forgive it's not an apology that you need its forgiveness that you need forgiveness is the act of releasing a person from any liability this disconnects you emotionally and it allows God to unite shoe or untie you rather spiritually now forgiveness is not you saying they were not wrong forgiveness is you saying they were they were entirely wrong they were absolutely wrong but I released them they're not liable to me you don't owe me anything all I want you to do is to move forward with your life and God will deal with you accordingly while I move on to my life forgiveness is you're making the decision that I'm no longer going to look back at a painful past waiting for that painful past to somehow heal my present I'm going to release that painful past and I'm going to reach forward into a brighter and healthier future that's what forgiveness is forgiveness is not about releasing the releasing the abuser it's about releasing you and really forgiveness is the closure you need it's not an apology it's not an understanding of why it's you just got to forgive you got to move on you got to leave them in the hands of God and and forgiveness sometimes is is a process to just really let that thing go but you have to know that you need to forgive and you have to talk when you when your mind begins to steer you back in a in a in a in a toxic direction you have to talk to yourself and you have to remind yourself I released that individual I leave them in the hands of God I move forward into my into my future Matthew chapter 18 verses 21 and 22 says then came Peter to him and said Lord how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him till seven times jesus said until said unto him I sin not unto thee just seven times but you gotta forgive him seventy times seven in other words forgiveness has to become your personal culture you got to learn to let people go John 20 and 23 says this watch this powerful text it says whosoever sins here omit or put away or cancel they are remitted unto them and whosoever sins you retain hold on to they are retained all right that text you know in the with that with that King James language seems a bit confusing you don't know what it means but listen to how it reads in the message version it says if you forgive a person's sins they are gone for good if you don't forgive sins what are you going to do with them if I hold on to the stuff that this person has done to me what am I going to do with that while they move on with their life hurting abusing victimizing someone else I'm still stuck here at some negative hurtful place in the past remembering and just rehearsing what they did I have to learn to let that go and I have to I have to learn to move forward into my future the closure I need is the forgiveness just forgive this person and move on because as long as you are waiting on people to fix you and when you when you're asking for closure from a person that has broken you you're asking a person that has broken you to fix you as long as you're waiting on people to fix you you negate the power of God the only one that actually can fix your heart you have locked him out because you're so busy knocking at the door of someone that's never answered for you waiting on them to give you closure they can't give you closure they don't actually have closure for themselves Psalm 34:18 says the Lord is nigh unto them that of a broken heart and have and save it such as be of a contrite spirit and in thirdly and finally you have to begin the process of rebuilding your soul how do you develop this exit strategy number one you have to create an environment between you and that person of no contact number two you must denounce the need for closure and number three he must begin the process of rebuilding your soul now your soul simply speaks of your mind the way you process thoughts your imagination you will that's just soul all of that stuff is your soul in the process of a narcissistic abusive relationship you have to understand this your mind or your soul is twisted into knots when you decide to break free it is as tedious as untangling a knotted tennis shoe you know when you get a tennis shoe knotted up that's a massive job to get that shoe string unknotted it requires patience and intention to ultimately recover your soul's health you have to understand that your soul is sick when you break from this poisonous toxic demonic person and so now you have to begin intentionally begin the process of rebuilding is sold the Bible says in Romans 12 and 2 and be not conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind and that word renewing really literally means the renovation of your mind that she may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God your life will be transformed to the degree you learn to renovate your mind now there are few things you got to do in terms of rebuilding your soul number one daily remind yourself that you are not responsible for this person's feelings that individuals condition or their future well-being because remember when you entered into the relationship with the narcissist you entered in from a pure genuine loving place for you or for them rather you were nothing but an opportunity and so now that you have created there's no contact and and you have put them out it out of your life now you have these thoughts of how you know are they surviving how well are they doing I wonder if I was a little too harsh you have to remind yourself on a daily basis I'm not responsible for this person I'm not responsible for their feelings I'm not responsible for their condition I have nothing Archy I'm not responsible for their future their well-being is not my responsibility you cannot change this person you have to understand that because you keep having these subconscious thoughts I wonder if I were to was wonder if I was too harsh I wonder if if I'd hung on a little while longer they would have changed you must leave them in the hands of God because God is the only one that can handle this you know it's kind of like I guess it's similar some people that I read they liken it to the Stockholm Syndrome where a person becomes infatuated or in love or feels responsible or committed to their captor or or some person that is doing demille they they develop a sense of responsibility feeling responsible for in a sense of love for a person that has done them wrong and they protect them you have to understand that your soul is broken so it's not unlikely that you'll have these thoughts but you have to remind yourself that I'm not responsible for this let it be you must focus on the lessons of the experience and not the feelings of your emotions you'll have those emotions where you remember the the so-called good times those were just acts and you have to learn how to shift yourself out of your emotion and get back into your intellect and back into your spirit and focus on the lessons of the experience and not the feelings or the emotions what did you learn from this what have you learned focus on the lessons the lessons are you know I should never just fall in love I should walk in love I should interrogate more I should ask more questions I should never give a person complete access to my life that I'm really not certain of I should learn to pay attention to a person's traits and behavior there's their selflessness verse as their selfishness I should pay attention to a person if they're if they're taking and never giving I should watch these things you have to you have to remember the lessons forget about the emotions in the feelings and go back to the lessons let me read this for you the sole time or trauma bond created between you and this abuser stems from emotion that has mutated your senses of reasoning or your sense of reasoning you must intentionally step into an objective position and take a realistic and intelligent view of what the transaction between you and this person has done for you and in most cases absolutely nothing but break you so don't you know when you feel yourself getting emotional to rebuild your soul refocus the lessons don't waste your pain I heard a young man say dd1 actually is the young man it said that don't waste your pain your pain is valuable you have to remember what your pain taught you your pain didn't just bring hurt it brought lessons and strength and wisdom if you don't waste your pain Psalm 1 1971-72 says it's good for me that I have been afflicted that I might learn thy statutes pain should always teach us something lessons come with pain pain has to produce more than just hurt it is designed to produce wisdom look what the Bible says in Proverbs 17 10 a reproof entereth more into a wise man then in hundred stripes into a fool so don't just allow yourself to be caught up emotionally and forget the lessons you rebuild your soul by focusing the lessons pushing the emotion aside and focusing the lesson let-let-let a 3-under and the main point number three how do we rebuild the soul find someone that will know the whole truth and hold you accountable when you're trying to come out of a narcissistic abusive relationship you have to have someone that is wise and caring that you love and that loves you that you can share the whole truth with all of it even the parts of it your shame you're ashamed of why because as you come out you're gonna need somebody to hold you accountable to the new standard don't try to do this by yourself because late in the midnight hour you're your broken soul is gonna try to talk you back into that situation you're gonna have to have somebody who knows the truth knows the whole truth and nothing but the truth and we'll call you and hold you accountable well how are you doing what are you doing are you are you are you trying to contact this person you're gonna need this the Bible says in proverbs 11:14 where no counsel is the people fall but in the multitude of counselors there safety now what does a counselor counsel is a person that you tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth - so if you don't have a person in your life that you have told the whole truth and nothing but the truth - who has your best interests at heart if the Bible says where there's no counsel the people fall but where there's a multitude of counselors there's safety and then finally rebuilding your soul you got to force your life forward in rebuilding your soul you have to force your life forward you got to get you have to get back to your vision your purpose why you were created what does God gifted you to do you got it you got it you gotta force your life forward you know it's it's kind of like I said all the time what's behind you you know is insignificant that's why in your car the rear view mirror is much smaller than the windshield why is that it's because you're supposed to spend less time looking at what's behind you and more time looking at what's in front of you and here's the beauty the more you force your life forward the smaller and eventually invisible the things behind you become so my prayers that this little conversation has helped you in some way and in my prayers that you will exit this situation and keep it moving leave this person in the hands of God as I'm recording this I'm sitting in Antioch California and last night we had a meeting and we were discussing narcissistic relationships and one of the things that came out of that meeting is that you and I cannot change a narcissist the only one that can possibly change a narcissist would be God you have to learn to leave them in the hands of God and move forward with your life and if God somehow supernaturally does what only God can do and you see them in the future Bravo but you can't sit around and think that you can fix this person you got to learn to move on let me pray for you before before I let you go Father thank you today for this time that I've had with people from all over the world and many of them do God are hurting from the very things that I've discussed today now my prayer is that you would do it what you always do and that is touch the hearts of people touch the hearts of people I think you got for calming all of the pain I thank you God for erasing the shame and I think you now father for bringing them into a place of peace and rest you got a thank you for the wisdom and the strength for them to pick themselves up even from this situation and to move forward in Jesus's name Amen I love you I think God for you hey this is your kind of thing I'd love for you to subscribe to this channel I need you to like it hopefully you give me a thumbs up if not it's cool to thumbs down his cooler that's your opinion you can reach out to Lisa and/or I at pastor ROC Blake's at gmail.com and do this for me do this for me we have some exciting things that are getting ready to come up we're doing a brand new thing with my website it's gonna be relaunching very soon and I think you guys are gonna be really excited about some of the things that are gonna be there I'm getting ready to do what many of you have asked me to do for years I'm getting ready to offer at my website online courses can you believe that and the first one that I'm doing is relative to overcoming or transcending the father wound it goes it coincides really with my book the father-daughter talk which is really about women who are suffering from the absence of a father and have a father wound and how that plays out in her choices so what I need you to do so that you'll be up to date relative to everything that's going on when the website has launched and all that other good stuff I need you to go to ROC Blake's calm now and I need you to sign up for my mailing list so when the thing launches when the program is being premiered or whatever the word is you know what I'm trying to say you'll be the first to know go and sign up at my website now for my email list showing it now thousands are on it and we're getting ready to bring it to another level everything is getting ready to go to another level you can also find my podcast on iTunes these are things that I've never talked about you can also find my podcast on itunes on itunes i think you use you just simply search for ROC blake's and there you you can you can listen to my podcast so I thank you for your time today know that I love you know that Lisa and I love you and remember this you're on top and you're going higher God has more in store for you god bless you I'm Dylan [Music]

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Views: 280,809

Rating: 4.9344015 out of 5

Keywords: RC BLAKES, NARCISSISM, RELATIONSHIPS, TRAUMA BOND

Id: Skmk73_aD_o

Length: 40min 52sec (2452 seconds)

Published: Thu Aug 30 2018