WHY THEY KEEP WALKING OUT AND COMING BACK RC Blakes

ah good evening good evening good evening good evening this is RC Blake's and I hope that everybody is doing I hope you're doing great tonight this is a Sunday night and I have been moving about in some fashion all day to day but I wanted to share this with you it's something that I started looking at talking to you about for a minute now and really my thoughts tonight come from a lady by the name of Christine Hammond it was something that that she posted online somewhere as written and so I just kind of kind of captured it and I thought that it would be a great discussion for us here on this platform if this is your first time here I'm RC Blake's excuse me and I'm a pastor I'm a man I'm no therapist I'm no psychologist I'm a pastor and I'm a man and I'm a student of life and so I deal with things relative to I like to call my line of thought the way I think I like to call it Theo psychology not I'm not a psychologist I am a pastor and all my disciplines are in the religious realm but when I look at the scripture I see when I when I look at it I see how God is showing us through the scripture principles and patterns and psychological answers to issues that's the way is the way I see the scripture because I believe a lot of what is spiritual is is what causes us to adjust in the in the psychological or the mental I believe when a person as an authentic spiritual encounter that something balances in his or her soul in their mind you know the evidence of of one really encountering God is a sense of peace and rest and joy and balance in one's mind so I don't see where we can really separate of theology the study of God theology from psychology the study of the mind you cannot I don't see what you can separate the two so that's the way I kind of look at Scripture and so that's that's I don't know why I went off on that tangent but I want to talk tonight I want us to look at why is it that why is it that a person specifically a narcissistic individual understanding that a narcissist is a person that lacks the capacity for empathy he or she cannot put themselves in your shoes they have no concern for how you feel or what how what they do may make you feel they have no concern at all you have you know you have the grand grandiose narcissist that likes to flaunt his or her things and they they just they just grand you have the malignant narcissist that it's violent and wants to control and is you know aggressive and then you have the the closet narcissist or the covert narcissist the one that is kind of behind the scene I think that this one hides out a lot in in in in church realms but when the narcissist what is going on when a narcissistic person that you're supposed to be in a close romantic relationship with well hopefully anything that's romantic is close but you're supposed to be in a romantic relationship with are you supposed to be in a significant ship with and this person moves in and out of your life you know it's like it's like you you almost can put them on the calendar that at you know in three months this person is going to create some kind of drama and they're going to call it off thank you Mike I think I said it right they're gonna call it off or they're gonna break the friendship and and then you know it's gonna go on for X amount of time and then some kind of way they're going to make their way back into my life if I am gullible enough to allow them back into my life but the dear heart Christine Hammond and she calls it the narcissistic abandonment cycle what's going on when you're constantly being abandoned yes the push in the pull what's going on when a person is constantly abandoning you that you're supposed to have you suppose we married to you supposed to be engaged to you're supposed to be exclusive with you're supposed to be besties and think you Jeanette and this person is moving in and out of your life and constantly brick in your heart what's going on well let me read some of what Christine put in this article the narcissistic abandonment cycle you can probably google that and find it she says it took a while well she's writing about a particular case I think Christine is some mental health professional and Namira took a while to discover her cycle of manipulative Minette manipulatively abandoning him I'm catching it midstream she's talking about a real case Marie did this she kept abandoning her husband Marie being the narcissist in this in this scenario where we did this to generate intense anxiety panic and fear in Adam that she would leave so this person threatens to leave or does leave or manipulates by abandoning her mate which creates within him an intense anxiety or panic and fear that she will leave and if you think about it those of you who are in relationships like this one of the most terrorizing thoughts is I wonder if they're gonna leave today they create this they create this so tired to you they create this addiction within you for them and when you really get into your right mind you can't really explain why you're addicted or why you feel like you need this person so much but nevertheless you feel addicted to them and they play on that they know that the worst thing in the world for you is to feel like they're going to leave let me finish reading once she had him wound up with I'm on leave I'm gonna leave she knew that Adam or she even did leave she knew that Adam would do say or admit to just to just about anything to get her to come back this way Marie would not have to reflect on her own insecurities and instead generated self-doubt in Adam so she's talking about a woman here that is manipulating her man by constantly abandoning him to cast the light off of her personal insecurities which were the real issue and using the abandonment to get him to admit to things that he wasn't even guilty or privy to guilty of or privy to and the Bible in John first John 4:19 there's no fear in love but perfect love cast out fear because fear hath torment when when a person you're in relationship with constantly abandons you and then returns as somebody said so eloquently push and pull of a pull and push it out obviously IVA was it they are manipulating you to cover up their personal fears in their personal inequities or insecurities now the cycle kind of goes like this and and this is taken directly from christine Hammonds notes again you can google in and I'm certain that you can find it the narcissistic abandonment cycle Christine says the the the cycle goes like this number one when this begins to happen the narcissist is feeling some form of shame whenever you find them getting wound up to the point where they're ready to call it off or they're you know they're ready to call it quits or the friendship you know they don't want it any longer the narcissist at that point is feeling some form of shame Thank You Antoinette who knows what sparked this shame you know who knows what sparked this shame sometimes when you're dealing with a person you have to also understand this when you're dealing with the narcissist a narcissist is an actor and he or she is an actor on the stage of real life and so they have created this alternative persona so as to put away the trouper some of that they view as unacceptable and so at any point at any given time something can happen or transpire that sparks within the narcissist the idea that somehow them being somehow I'm being found out be something as simple as you can go to a movie with the narcissist and the movie can depict the scene that mirrors the reality of the narcissist true persona or the the the the truth that they're trying to cover up and because the both of you are in the movies together or in the movie together the narcissist subconsciously will feel like somehow you picked up on something and it will begin to generate a shame a shame about who they really are shame about where they where they've come from and all of this is going on on the inside of them and then all of a sudden all you know is that when you're leaving the movie that the attitude of this individual changes and you recognizes you recognize it oh this is where he or she gets ready to call it off he's getting ready to break it off or she's getting ready to you know but it's it's generated from an internal shame so the cycle begins with the narcissist feeling some kind of shame now let me read this it begins with the narcissist feeling shame it could be shame about childhood abuse the socio-economic state of their family and embarrassing moment or being exposed as a failure incompetent unintelligent or fraud either way the shame hits them to the core of their deep-rooted insecurities and they have to immediately cover it up you know they'll go to their job for instance and they'll lose their job and and rather than you know coming home to you and being consoled by you rather they begin to feel that shame and they feel like you're looking at them a certain kind of way and you don't see them in the light that they want to be seen in and so the cycle begins with that now now here's here's a statement that I want to make pride and shame are two sides of the same coin pride and shame are two sides of the same coin when you see you see a person that is prideful that you know it's puffed up and is you know inflated and is better than everybody else so you see a person that is just blatantly insane just to the point that they have their hair down it's two sides of the same coin the person that's puffed up in Pride is shame about something and is trying to cover it up with all of this grandiose behavior or cover it up with all of this materialism the person that you know has his or her hair down you know it's the same person if they're just dealing with the shame in two different ways and one thing about a narcissist is that pride is at the center of their Constitution and anything that that that injures their pride Thank You Walden anything that injures their pride generates intense feelings of shame and the Bible says in Proverbs 11 and 2 when pride cometh then cometh shame when pride cometh then cometh shame so she says that the cycle Christine says that the cycle begins with the narcissist feeling some kind of shame and if you pay attention to your relationship with this individual you'll notice that if you just go down through the history you will notice that every time something adverse or unfortunate happens to them something that might be otherwise embarrassing they always take it out on you somehow when they when they go through some unfortunate event it leads to an argument with you and it leads to them talking about how you're not supportive and I'm out of here it happens a lot it's it's narcissistic abuse it's classic narcissistic abuse and it's intended to break you d-o-double you in okay let's see number two for point she has here the narcissus feel shame number two once the narcissus feels this shame the narcissist of voids and leaves so the first thing is they feel the shame to go into the shell they avoid you they don't return your calls or they lock off in some part of the house and they avoid you then the next thing you know thank you Trina the next thing you know you hit a car starting up there leaving then the next thing you know they're calling I'm out of here I don't want anything well what did i do what did i do I'm just out of him tired I'm tired I just I'm tired I'm tired and what is that that is let me read she says instead of turning to a person they love in such moments for comfort or compassion the narcissist avoids any intimacy for fear of further exposure see it's hard for them to think that they can turn to you for compassion or support because it's hard for anybody to imagine somebody else doing for them what they wouldn't do for another person they have no concept of compassion they have no concept of support so it's hard for them to put that together in their mind that oh I can be in this state and this person can still will still love me and will still support me so rather than turning to people that that love them in these moments for comfort the narcissist avoids any intimacy for fear further exposure instead the verbally lash out they verbally lash out at the person who is most likely to be supportive and when the narcissist receives any resistance oh okay you curse them out or he curses you out on a narcissist curse you out and then the moment you say okay enough is enough the moment they receive any resistance or discomfort they leave okay see that's why I'm that's why I don't want nothing else to do with you I'm out of here now then tagging eyes you they build you up they they bully you into this moment and then when you react to it they take and turn the tables and make make the moment to to record that they left because of something you say it or something you've done so they created this whole narrative and now they're gone and you're left to imagine in your own mind what did I do did I say it the wrong way what did i do did I should I have not said that should I have said should I have not said don't cut it don't curse me out should I have not said don't call me out my name what I stated the wrong way I shouldn't have said it I should have left I should have left them cursed me out I should have let them call me out my name see that's the kind of hysteria that these that these people can create and I was saying to the church today and it's very very true as a pastor I deal with this kind of stuff 24/7 you know some of y'all have like you know you know one or two people in your life maybe I mean I got I'm dealing with narcissists all of the time and they always want to create this drama and they want to make you feel responsible for something they create it now let me read this impact point this is this is my statement they are tormented by imaginations there's number of number two the narcissist avoids and leaves they are tormented by imaginations they always feel like they are being exposed so they panic in moments when they feel like when they're panic and the imagination is running away with them the number one started feeling some kind of shame about something that then that's not kosher in their mind and number two they begin to avoid and then they begin to because the persons that are closest to them they feel like they will see through the mask they're working with a really vivid imagination and it's a diabolical imagination it's even a demonic imagination which that's kind of redundant bollocky and demonic but proverbs 20:1 says the wicked flee listen to this very carefully the wicked flees or runs or leaves when no man pursueth but the righteous are as bold as a lion a wicked man is running from something that's not even there and that is that I believe that that depicts the the the psychology of a narcissist the emotional state of a narcissist they're always on edge especially when they feel like they're in a position where they've been exposed in and somehow you see it or you should see it or you can see it so because I don't know if if if he really saw it or she really saw it or not so I'm going to avoid her I'm gonna leave I'm gonna leave and they're really caught up in it in that moment I'm going to leave I'm out of here I don't want nothing else to do with you and then watch this this brings us to point number three so they the number one the narcissist begins to feel shame of some kind this is where the the cycle begins then the narcissist begins to avoid and pull away from those persons that they're in relationship with and then they leave and then number three the narcissist begins to manipulate your fear of abandonment because okay let me say this they go through all of this they leave you because the greatest fear one of the greatest fears of a narcissist is that you will leave them so on narcissists okay you'll also find I believe you'll also find this cycle happening when a narcissist has has overstayed his or her welcome on a certain issue and they see you beginning to get tired and you begin you're beginning to get frustrated and you're beginning to get little resistant so to break your momentum in the direction of your personal strength you know in terms of I don't wanna get to the point where they actually get strong enough to walk away I'll create a big drama and I'll walk away from you because as a narcissist my greatest fear is abandonment so I will project that fear upon you I will I will psychologically manipulate you and cause you to experience the very thing that I'm most fearful of listen to what Christine says if she says even if the departure is for a few minutes the narcissist suddenly a few minutes a few hours a few days whatever the narcissist suddenly realizes that their exit means further complications so they go through all of this and then they avoid and they pull away and they leave you but now they're thinking okay wait a minute now they won't get if I if I stay away now now they won't get their daily need for attention affirmation affection and appreciation from the other person so they'll go through the whole process of avoiding you and leaving you but then once their way they realize okay if I stay away I won't get what I need I remember when I was a kid and you have to also understand this narcissistic basically grown people are toddler mentality toddler psychology ingrown people's bodies you're basically dealing with a a psychological and emotional toddler in a grown person's body and little kids know nothing but what self-preservation I remember when I was a little kid little blue you know I guess I was maybe four years old four or five at the most and I got angry with my mother because she didn't give me something I wanted something and she said no so I said to my mother I'm leaving here I'm running away from home I was serious as I could be - I remember this I'm 55 years old that means this had to be 50 years ago I'm leaving you I'm running away from home and I guess the thing that made me remember it was my mama said okay okay and she brought me my little suka had a little suitcase she brought me my little suitcase and I put my little soldiers and my cap guns in there you know it was wasn't politically incorrect to have puck cap guns at that time I had to put all my little stuff in them and I left out the house and I got a half a block away and I stood on the corner looking in every direction I remember this and while I was out there I had the thought I said no way I'm asleep tonight it's a little cold out here and I'm looking around I am scared now of course my mom was looking at me oh wow and then finally I turned around I went back home with my hand you know my head down because when I got out there see I was using that moment as a child to manipulate I won't leave you to manipulate my mother into doing what I wanted her to do but once I got out there I had to think about the real consequences of my choices and so you say why does this person leave me and keep coming back it's that when they get out there they're carried away with the momentum of whatever they're going through but once they get out there they realize that they have just separated themselves from their source okay so now their fear okay once they get out there and they realize that they've used the tactic to control you that they're really most afraid of and so once they get out there listen to what Christine says she says their fear of abandonment by the other person causes the narcissist to overlook any embarrassment and they find their way back so they get out there and it's okay now I can't stay too long because if I stay too long they'll get used to this and if they get used to this I won't have my supply and so now I have to find I have to find my way back into their good graces again okay and then finally number four Christine says they return and they promise okay let's go through the cycle again the narcissist feels shame of some kind you don't know what's going on oh where this comes from you probably never will know where it came from number two the narcissus of voids and leaves thank you as a Nene thank you the the narcissist of voids and leaves the narcissist himself or herself fears the abandonment while they're out there they begin to fear the idea that you know I'm not gonna be able to get what I need so this fear overrides whatever embarrassment of shame they may have felt and they find a way to press their way back into your life especially if they know that you're going to let them in this is why it's always timed they know just about how long they can stay out there and make their way back without any problem and then them before they return and they promise now let me read what she says when the narcissist returns there is a grand entrance of sorts it usually begins with I hope you sorry for what you did or what you said no mind you what you said or what you did was a reaction or response to what they initially did or what they initiated the focus of the conversation is not about the narcissists behavior fears or insecurities rather it is redirected to focus on the other person's behavior so after soliciting and apology from the person they offended you the narcissist will have heartedly expressed a minor amount of regret and will make some grand promise for the future I'll never do it again I promise you we'll you know we're gonna have the best life ever you know stick with me baby we're going to the top and so they earn and they promise they return in the promise now some of you that are watching me now have gone through this cycle with the same person for years some of you decade or more the same thing they go through some kind of stuff internally they begin to avoid you they leave you they manipulate your fear of being abandoned while you know they feel their own fear of abandonment so they return and they promise and they've they've learned that all it takes to get back into your good graces is a good promise thank you redeemed the 1352 thank you and so you keep falling for it in the meantime you're getting older you're wasting your life with a person that refuses to change save the noodles I like that thank you thank you with the person that refuses to change a person that has doesn't probably have the capacity to change apart from divine intervention and you you're caught up in the same cycle going around the same thing over and over and over again think about it when you start it with this person you all were young people maybe fresh out of college now you have children maybe even have grandchildren and you're emotionally stuck in the same place going through the same cycle going through the same abuse listening to the same or warmed-over promises somebody say but you change right I don't know if that's a question to me yeah I change but I was never narcissists if you're in this position I want to pray for you tonight I promise you they now I teach this stuff and write down proverbs 25 and 14 says who so boasted himself of a false gift is like clouds and wind without rain and that's that's the promises of a narcissist he says who so boasted himself of a gift something they're not really going to deliver is like clouds and wind without rain look what proverbs 13 12 says Hope deferred you create this hope in me that something's going to change that you're going to deliver on this Hope deferred makes the heart sick when if I keep on promising you and never deliver I am making your heart sick and sometimes people are are sickening your soul intentionally because the more I promise you and the more you hope for it and more you wish for it and I never deliver on it you know what's happening the sole tie is being strengthened between you and the Boozer this is why it's so hard to pull away from from toxic people and narcissist it's because there's an intentional soul tie being created created between you and them and you don't know what your soul is sick your soul is being poisoned the longer you stay in this and I ask the question today at church well I made the statement was it a statement well I'll presented as a statement at some point you have to choose your pain at some point you have to choose your pain when you're when you're caught up in the middle of a toxic relationship and you you come into a place of wisdom thank you so much when you understand better at some point you got to choose your pain you got to look at this thing you got it's okay it's gonna hurt me to leave it's gonna hurt me to cut this off because the soul tie is real painful you know Joe ain't no joke it's it's painful to cut a soul tie it hurts to cut a soul tie promise you does but watch this the alternative is to keep on avoiding the pain of leaving and stick with the pain of losing your life every day to something or to somebody you're gonna lose your whole life to somebody who never even deserved an introduction to you which you rather the lifelong pain of wasted potential and wasted destiny and a wasted future or what you rather the short-term pain of disconnection go through the withdrawals go through whatever you got to deal with weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning anything or lasts but you got to choose your pain you got to choose your pain you keep on falling for this because somewhere in the back of your mind you've been conditioned to believe Society has made you believe made you to believe it's better to have a piece of a man than to have none at all it's not true being I'd rather stick I know I know they have them I know he puts his hands on me I know he curses me out I know he's emptied my self-esteem I know he shattered my self-identity but but I love him thin line between love and insanity sometimes you got to ask yourself you got to choose your pain do you would you rather keep on enduring the pain of watching your life just year after year decade after decade flush down the toilet on what you rather the short-term pain of making a decision to choose you for a change and see when you have somebody that walks out of your life obituary that that's an obituary Bandhan er I think you have I think you have an edge because they make the call you have to just make them live with it so next time you walk out of here I don't even have to try to figure this out the next time you walk out and you say it's over we'll make you live up to that I'm gonna go through whatever kinda hell I got to go through to get over this but I'm getting over this because God did not design me to live like this and this is not what a relationship is supposed to look like this is certainly not what a marriage is and sometimes that means you gonna have to surround yourself with some strong stronger others again as I was saying in church today there's some things that you come through that you don't have enough strength to get through on your own and you have to surround yourself with the people that have the strength and will lend you their strengths to help pour you out of some stuff that you've gotten yourself in and when you're dealing with something as demonic as a as a toxic relationship or narcissist you need to surround it it's nice to have a home girl to chil go to the club and y'all you know you know bouncing on the flo that's nice y'all go have a good time that's nice your friends to do that with then you have friends as I was saying you you you can you can talk business with you I'm talk about the Nasdaq I can talk about money but baby when you in spiritual warfare and you've got literal Devils come in for your life they you have to find some people that's in tune to God now what that looks like I don't know but you want to find somebody that's in tune to God and somebody that can get a prayer through and help you to pour your way out of because this stuff is spiritual y'all this stuff is spiritual this is this is deeper than just psychological this stuff is spiritual and they're too many you all that are losing your lives you've given all of your youth to people who keep bouncing in and out of your life bouncing in and out of your life just in and out of your life and I believe with all of my heart that is just time for you to be free from it and so I want to pray for you tonight I know some of you are not accustomed to prayer just sit down and listen you ain't got to participate just sit down listen but I believe in prayer and I'll tell you why when God I think somebody was asking me the question did did you change yes I did change I was never narcissists though never but when God changed my life I had I had all kinds of soul tire relationships that I thought I was in control I thought I was demand the world told me you the man you in control you you running this thing but the reality was when I got ready to when I saw that and I wanted to live better I realized that I was as hung up as they were I realized that they had as much control over me as I had over them and the only thing that broke that spirit off of my life was an encounter with God now I'd been raised up in the preacher's house I knew all about religion religion did enough absolutely nothing for me honestly the religion did absolutely nothing for me I'm not a religious man and I know that sounds weird to hear somebody that has as many religious titles as I may have but I'm not a religious man I don't I don't really believe in religion I believe that a person has to have a real relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ any real spiritual grounding you have to know God and religion doesn't always provide that religion back to my point it was God it was God it was an encounter with God that shifted my life and brought me from a place of bondage into a place of Liberty and I was a young man you know I was a young man I was in my 20s and God set me free man and for the first time in my young life I was actually living what I was preaching but God did it and I believe I believe in the power of God I believe that the power of God tonight is present here and I believe that God had me to fire this thing up tonight to really speak a word of deliverance for many of you you may not you may not ever stepped foot in anybody's church but I promise you tonight you didn't really have an encounter with God and if I can get you to just say yes to God tonight and surrender realize that you can do nothing by your own power you will see God supernaturally do for you which you could have never done for yourself so now father I thank you as I have spoken to your people god I thank you that you've taken this platform tonight and you've made this a sanctuary you made this an altar where your people can meet you God some of them feel like they're not worthy but God make them surround them with your loving presence and make them to know that you loved them in now father every person whose heart is broken every person who finds him or herself caught up in this web of deceit I thank you Father for liberation tonight I thank you for the freedom of the Holy Spirit tonight I command every stronghold that has impacted their minds all of the games and all of the lies i detangle i i dismantle them in the name of Jesus and I command freedom to rest upon your people tonight in Jesus's name Amen oh I feel God right now y'all just feel like this feel like a church service to me I don't know what it is for you but this feel like a church service to me now let me say this and I got to get over here these are not going somewhere I want you to know those of you in in London England Lisa and I are on our way March 27th and 28th if you've not registered for it I want you to go to RC Blake's comm and register for Queen ology in London we're gonna be there on a Friday night we're gonna have dinner on that Friday night we're gonna have Q&A it's gonna be networking and then Saturday morning we're gonna have about four to five hours where we're going intensively going through the five tenants of Queen ology I'm excited about coming to London England also for those of you that have need of counseling some of you reach out to me say pastor I need counselling can you recommend someone well there's this company there's this counseling firm I guess you would call it called better help that Lisa and I have partnered with and I'll put the link in the description for those of you that need counseling of any kind professional counselors and if you if you choose to have faith-based counselor that is an option as well but that's just that's just an addition to what we do those of you that need that level I can't bring you there because I'm not a counselor and I would I would never do like a lot of people pretend to be I am NOT and there's some of you who really need someone who is therapeutic and can really walk you through certain processes so I would love for you to just you know hit the link in the description and just see what they offer because it'll be a blessing to you I love you all I thank God for you I want you to pray for me don't forget to pick up my books at RC Blake's comm or go to Amazon you can pick them up there so much to talk about but I love you I look forward to talking to you some more this week and I'll see you at the top I love y'all have a great night you

Channel: RC Blakes, Jr

Views: 85,764

Rating: 4.9519873 out of 5

Keywords: Dating Advice, Relationships, Christian, Narcissist, rc blakes, td jakes

Id: JAjbI0PBI6w

Length: 45min 10sec (2710 seconds)

Published: Sun Feb 09 2020