ESTABLISHING BOUNDARIES AROUND YOUR LIFE by RC BLAKES

good afternoon good afternoon this is RC Blake's on this Tuesday afternoon and I was just sitting here and thinking about boundaries and the importance of establishing boundaries in one's life eternal justice microphone there are so many people who are suffering because they don't understand the necessity of boundaries hello from London I'm on my way to London in March of 2020 so many people are suffering because there's no understanding of boundaries and how they operate let me see something I think this might make noise let me get rid of it and some of you that are watching me now who are in situations presently simply because you didn't have boundaries you just kind of allow people to move in and through and around your life with an unrestricted pass and let's see if I can get to my my notes I jotted down a few things that I want to share with you today relative to boundaries when you think about it we establish boundaries for everything important in our lives we have boundaries for our babies in the crib if we have an upstairs we have we create a boundary so the child can't fall down the stairs we have boundaries around our homes we raise up fences we have locks on our doors we put alarms on our cars alarms on our home all of this is to say what this is as far as you can legally go and if you proceed beyond this point you are now infringing on territory that is not rightfully yours how is it that we can have established boundaries around all of these things that in many cases things that are far less important than our own Souls and live our lives emotionally and psychologically in a way that we give access to us to any and everybody and we provide perpetual access to people who are proven offenders you know you think about the people that you have in your life and how they are afflicting and impacting you negatively a lot of these people didn't just show up they've been lifelong offenders and for some reason our our brokenness allows them continued access and I'm not I'm not talking at you because these are some of the very things that I myself you know I'm working through I'm well on my way I promise you I am I used to really be a doormat for people who were proven offenders but now I'm in a healthier place and I'm in an intentional place I think that's when you know that you're becoming healthy is when you become intentional and less emotional or what's the word I'm looking for you know just driven by instinct because the world has the world does have a unique ability to program us for dysfunction to its benefit in other words illegal and illicit people that surround speed and family be it on the job be it in certain communities like church school work however there are toxic and intentional people I call diabolical who program us to serve their purposes and when we don't know that we we play right into their their schemes but let's get into this so that I don't keep you too long on this afternoon I know a lot of you probably commuting from work or ending up your work day number one you must never make other people comfortable listen to this very carefully you must never ever make other people comfortable at the expense of your own needs you must never ever make other people comfortable at this at the expense of your own needs now that's a lot different than the Christian ethic of serving others you know I cannot see so forgive me if I do not recognize you I cannot see but I will go back and look that's a lot different than the Christian ethic of serving others because in the church when we are not challenged to think you know we're spirit soul and body and in the church sometimes we over spiritual eyes everything and we're not challenged to think in a healthy fashion and so this thing that we call toxic empathy is prevalent in the church in toxic empathy is when I can feel you so much I lose touch with myself I can desire to meet your needs to the point that mine go unmet and I can Chuck all of that up to Christ you know in the name in the name of serving Christ I'm going to now become a doormat and I'm going to allow a person that never had good intentions towards me or anyone else to use my life to break my life to leave me empty and helpless and I'm gonna sad day at all of that in the name of Christ in the name of serving Christ Jesus never promoted that he really did not Jesus never promoted that he did promote going out of your way to serve those that you know really really need you he never promoted being used or manipulated and when you find yourself constantly in a position where by the same people or the same person where you're challenged to forego your needs to continuously make them comfortable that the whole so-called relationship is based on me forsaking my needs to make you comfortable that's not that's not what God intended this is where we know that we have to break the people-pleasing spirit because your boundaries your personal boundaries must always prioritize your needs over other people's comfort you know this is true even in terms of your children when your children get grown and you've raised them and you've made all of the sacrifices to raise a human being you've done everything you can do you're not to be manipulated by your children when they're grown to forego your needs to please them that's that's an unhealthy relationship that's you know that's something else to talk about really a lot of y'all have narcissistic children that you've raised to be that way and I don't mean to go off the track here but you gave them everything you made them the scent of the universe and now you raise you're a grown now you got a grown narcissists on your hands and now you trying to live out the rest of your days pleasing them while disregarding you listen to what the Bible says in Matthew 25 1 through 10 a lot of verses but watch this it says then shall the Kingdom of Heaven be likened unto ten virgins which took their lamps and went forth to meet the bridegroom five of them were wise and five were foolish ten virgins five wives five foolish they that were foolish took their lamps and took no oil with them these were all driven lamps of course but the wise took oil in their vessels with their lamps while the bridegroom tarried they all slumbered and slept and at midnight there was a cry made behold the bridegroom cometh go ye out to meet him then all those virgins arose and trimmed their lamps and the foolish said unto the wise give us your oil the foolish had no oil the wise had oil for our lamps are gone out but the wise answered saying not so lest there be not enough for us and you there's not enough for me and you but go ye rather to them and sell and buy for yourselves and while they went to buy the bridegroom came and they that were ready went in with him to the marriage and the door was shut but notice how the the wise virgins who had their oil prepared contrasted by the the foolish virgins who did not have they're all prepared they said the foolish virgins said give us them all we want to go meet the bridegroom we need all to light our lamps they said no no same way we got ours you need to go get yours they did not prioritize somebody else's comfort to the point that they ignored their own need and there's some of you that are watching me now who are doing everything in the world to make everybody else happy and at the end of the day we you're at home by yourself you realize that you've exhausted yourself to a point that you've made everybody else happy and you have their needs you have in your life that no one's even concerned about and you're in this state because you lack boundaries you're in this state I made a statement a few weeks ago you don't want to be the world's best friend in your own worst enemy so you must never make other people other people's comfort or never make other people comfortable at the expense of your your own needs now why do we prioritize people who victimize us I guess there are a lot of answers that we could give to that question but there's this thing I call that is this terminology I use called the approval trap and the approval trap is something that's created by a person or people who watch this who demoralize you who diminish you who shrink you who hurt you who traumatize you and make you feel like you're nothing and the subconscious reaction to that trauma is that you spend a great deal or the rest of your life trying to win the approval of the very person that empties your self-esteem it's the approval trap and so a person can intentionally break you and break you and break you and break you and break you and disapprove of you and disapprove of you and tell you you're nothing and that'll be the very person that you may spend a lifetime trapped in this cycle of trying to win their approval over and over and over again they are aware of what they've done to you but you're not aware of what they're doing to you and so you're caught in this approval trap and so you're always you're doing whatever I forget the I forget the dear hearts name but she's she's a I think a a relationship coach if I'm not mistaken from London and this is this is her quote and it was powerful she said we are seeking validation from people who are not even valid we are seeking validation from people who are not even valid you must never make other people comfortable at the expense of your needs right alright number two I only have five number two you have to understand this is about establishing boundaries speaking your personal truth is never necessarily unkind or loveless because when your person when you're people pleaser and you fail to establish boundaries around your life one of the things that prohibits you from establishing boundaries is that you firmly believe that if I tell if I speak what I really feel and if I actually tell the truth in this scenario about what I want or what I need that somehow that's going to make me come across as unkind or unloving well all you have to do in that case is know your own heart if you know that you're not unkind or unloving the most loving thing we really can do in life is to be honest with people the most hateful thing we can do is to need people to believe that we are what we're not or that we're for what we're not for so most loving thing I can do with you is to be transparent and honest about how I feel but when you are people pleaser you're always afraid of speaking your truth because you're trying to process how are the people going to accept it but speaking your personal truth is that's you're at your personal right and it's really necessary the soul has to be expressed you can't keep all of your feelings and all of your truth locked up on the inside of you for the sake of someone else is that right speaking your personal truth is never unnecessarily unkind or loveless Lakota Bible says in Ephesians 4 14 and 15 that we henceforth be no more children tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine by the sleight of men don't be manipulated like little kids and cunning craftiness whereby they lie in wait to deceive stop being deceived by people look what he says in verse 15 but speaking the truth in love that we may grow up into him in all things which is the head even Christ he says you you we should speak the truth in love but you should always speak your truth you establish boundaries when you speak your truth let your gaze be a and your nays be nay if if if you don't don't want it the answer is no I don't want it if you don't want to go dance it's not I don't want to go you don't feel like it know the answers I don't feel like it you can't worry about how the what their facial expression is or you know how it looks how they look like they took it you can't worry about all of that you have to speak your personal truth it's not unkind to be honest it's my signal bad it's not unkind to be honest all right when you're looking Nehemiah 6 I think my signal is bad so I'll make this brief in Nehemiah 6 1 through 4 that you see Nehemiah rebuilding the wall and there's these guys Sanballat and Tobiah and Geshem they came say come on down with us and you know come chill with us and Nehemiah was just bluntly honest he says why should the work cease for me to come down and deal with y'all no I'm not coming down you establish boundaries with your truth some of you don't the way to get okay everybody wants to know what to do with narcissist or whatever I believe one of the ways to to you know elude these people is always be honest stop you know what is the word I'm looking for stop pandering to their feelings and just be honest about who you are because people like this cannot they cannot stand a strong individual and you you establish your individuality with your truth so speak your truth and some of you gonna have to practice because you've never you've never practiced this you have to practice speaking your truth no I don't want to go no I don't like that no I don't want to do this you know then make you unkind you can see it with a smile number three the Sun is going down on me you're not responsible to manage my feelings you're not risk so my signal is good you're not responsible to manage my feelings some of you are struggling with establishing boundaries because you feel like you know you you have this toxic empathy where are you always trying to make me and everybody else happy you're not responsible to manage my feelings and if you're surrounded by people who expect you to make them happy your circle is limited and you needle right because watch this the Sun is leaving me people will subconsciously utilize listen to this statement very careful people will subconsciously utilize passive-aggressive suggestion to make you responsible for their feelings let me show you what I mean by that somebody can come and say to you man I'm I'm really struggling financially financially I'm having a tough go of it I'm having a tough time and they're you know they're sitting there look at you and then the next thing you know they'll ask you you know what you think I need to do about it well you know or they'll ask you something like this you know just sliding it in what we're gonna do man what we gonna do which me what we gonna do this is not my financial crisis but because they know that you feel responsible to manage their feelings I only have to do is just cry up a storm and they know you come into the rescue but you got to stop coming to the rescue you got to learn to listen to people and whatever it is they're dealing with and you have to learn how to let them go on and process whatever it is they need to process and to do whatever it is they need to do without you being intricately involved pray for people learn how to pray for people and wishing people well and keep it moving you got to stop letting people just cross over into your life and bringing all of their drama their drama is creating your trauma Galatians 1 and 10 says for do I now persuade men or God or do I seek to please men for if I yet pleased men I should not be the servant of Christ if I'm out here trying to please men I can't please men in Christ at the same time so there's a spiritual conflict here of interest if I want to please God I can't please you I can't be Ronnie trying to manage your feelings and then please God at the same time number four before my maybe I should back up this is ridiculous this is hope just about fruit production yet let's see okay that'll give me a few more minutes oh my god this live stuff is something else number four you got to understand this if you do not stand up and project yourself advocacy your self advocacy you must first be the advocate for yourself the world will always restrict and limit you now that was one that I had a tough time with and still struggle with it because I think I am a toxic empath I really do and my wife balances me out with that you know my wife you know she just gonna tell it like it is you know I'm all I'm always I guess that's the past in me you know always concerned about people's feelings don't want to don't want to make people feel bad and you know although this stuff had teachers stuff I'm processing myself but I've learned also if you don't stand up and project yourself the world will always put you in a little box and limit you and you you can't always be in a position where somebody else always has to come to your defense you know victim you know what I mean you're not you're not something to helpless victim around here I need Superman I need Batman I need them spider-man somebody come help me somebody come help me no no God made you powerful man God makes you just relentless you just have to know who you are on who you are and stop taking upon yourself all of the responsibilities of other people you're responsible for you and you have to you have to stand up and project yourself listen to what the Bible says in acts 4 18 through 20 says in and they called them and commanded them not to speak at all they talking to the Apostles don't teach about Jesus not not to speak at all nor teaching the name of Jesus but Peter and John answered and said unto them whether it be right in the sight of God to hearken unto you more than unto God that's for you to judge but we cannot but Speak the things which we have seen in her we're not gonna stop we're not gonna stop there's no needing you telling us what you want us to do because we're not gonna do what you want us to do we're not going to stop and at some point you have to put your foot down with family with friends with whatever whatever whatever you have to put your foot down and say no it's not going like that it's just not going to go like that this is the way I'm gonna do it period alright number five I'm still running with the son boundaries you have to understand this when you establish boundaries this is this is the beautiful benefit of boundaries and we could go on and I mean I guess we could have limitless points about this subject boundaries will always reveal illegals and when I use the term your legals I know that this is a charged environment in the United States of America I'm not talking about my Mexican brotheridge States of America I'm talking about people that God has not ordained for your life when you have boundaries your boundaries will always reveal people who are not authorized to be in your life because people who are toxic and are not authorized to be in your life will never respect your boundaries so when you establish boundaries which you should do before you start engaging the world on any serious level when your staff serious level when you establish boundaries you are simultaneously creating a perimeter around your life that will let you know when people are trying to enter your life who are not authorized by God because boundaries always reveal people who are illegal Amos 3 and 3 says can two walk together except they be agreed you know people cannot respect my boundaries unless they're on the same page with me where can y'all believe the Sun is leaving me again people cannot accept my boundaries unless they're on the same page with me so I just had that thought I thought it was a good idea to come outside but apparently not the Sun isn't even me I love y'all now let me say this before I let you go sometimes your silence establishes your boundary all right sometimes your silence establishes your boundary sometimes all you need to do is just say nothing and it's amazing how that can send the signal to people I've gone too far sometimes you just just need to go silent you don't need to respond to anything on social media sometimes people are intentionally antagonizing you to get you to respond and the real answer to dealing with them is to absolutely go silent just say nothing don't be lured in you know gonna be pulled back in don't get emotional just be quiet oh all right I love y'all listen don't forget to stop by our se bling STATCOM sign up from a mailing list get all my books thank all of you that support me with buying my books Lisa sent me a thing the other day talking about how we're having to ship out to think like over thousand books and she will put it a thousand and thirty nine in this one shipment that's amazing man that's amazing thank you thank you thank you thank you and those of you in Mobile Alabama we're going to be there this Friday night November the 22nd Saturday morning the 23rd with swim from sisters winning in ministry you can still attend that Friday night worship experience of course is open to the public and Saturday will be in sessions at the Mobile Marriott RC Blake's calm look under live events if you've not gotten information about the cruise which is happening in 2020 do that as well the Sun is leaving me I'm leaving you I love you I'll be back soon I just wanted to share that with you have a great day talk to you soon

Channel: RC Blakes, Jr

Views: 38,617

Rating: 4.9473686 out of 5

Keywords: Dating Advice, Relationships, Christian, Narcissist, RC BLAKES

Id: Ti3txRITcxI

Length: 28min 10sec (1690 seconds)

Published: Tue Nov 19 2019