Best Impression of a Kid You've Ever Seen. Eric O'Shea - Full Special

should be on the phone Marge hang on one sec I can't hear a darn thing stop it this world's in trouble we all got a bond together these kids are wild now they don't know discipline no they'd have no discipline I'm certain these kids they're out of control they're wild they're brats you ever go to Walmart you want to smack the kid some here like I have it's alright I know you're nice people it's not violent you want to shake them or sudden these wealthy moms don't do anything you ever see those stupid faces that's not discipline that is the fire in a story young man hey chance chance he's named after a possibility any my mom like my mom back in the day any psycho moms here clap if you're kind of Lamar your mom will stretch yeah my mother was half Italian half cycle lady he said the wrong thing she beat the heck out of you with the most dangerous motherly weapon ever invented wooden spoon she just no how did your right moms are like ninjas would spook you didn't even see yourself get hit I love my mom but she was fast you're bleeding you don't know why I'm up to beat my butt make dinner at the same time shoot me on the phone Marge hang on one sec I can't hear a darn thing stop it [Laughter] I'm sorry go ahead for me my sister cover with sauce what the heck happened I know there's gay on my head maybe what's romantic you were really pouted we all did it didn't we you have kids if I'm around romantic your mom would be like on the phone get over there doing their gonna do anything [Laughter] go to your room please remember stalling I forget where it is off the stairs mister I'm afraid of heights get up the stairs I broke my leg on one the outlet [Music] get up the stairs I'll do my best [Laughter] kids will test you all day yes don't lean onto pillar please what did I just say I slept the windows open it's windy out can it be windy sometimes mom can't be with me sometime well don't touch the mic stand either it belongs to the club what did I just I'm just pretending I am Kannan I pretend sometimes kanima sometimes you didn't test mom's patience I love my mom to death she's my best friend now look she was a strict woman you ever get those big eyes you know you're in deep trouble Supermarket 5 years old put it back and how did mom sue this my mom can be mad at me then turned fake happy when she saw one of her girlfriends in the store they go right back to being mad like I said stop it right now we're not buying that I said hi Helen how are you yes I'll see it the recital okay put it back you son of a B we have it at home we don't we don't have this at home these are fruit loops we got fruit rounds rounds remember the generic version the poor version of what you wanted my mom didn't get me honey nut cheerios I got old Hypno's mom what is this cheap I put it in the cart that comes in a box it's like a ten pound bag of kitty litter it's all expired I don't want it toy surprise of the piece of glass we don't want it mom walk normal please we are in a store that's not my new walk mind your business you ever go too far I'm sorry what did you think I said it would make anything push the card please I'll just get a new family I don't care I'm sorry we got a lot to talk about my body's wearing off I woke up to this today yeah the change is happening where's the cameras balcony you like this and I'm kind of ripped what is that can't get an arm tattoo now the heck am I gonna get a hammock I guess one Vidya Jules got his wings [Music] [Laughter] you guys are fun thank you I'm just getting old and grumpy we got a lot to talk about stuff we relate to I can't stand technology what are you laughing at everyone's tweeting tweeting do we have to tweet with that stupid tic-tac-toe sign all the letters are stuck together hash browns I don't know what the heck that's called just talk to people like the old days please you know I remember when Yahoo wasn't even a website it was just another way to say hooray oh I found a Knick up yeah careful on the timing everyone's got all these iPhones every year it's a new one five six hi this poked me in the eye place I can't stand it well can they fix the talk text where you talk in the phone it writes out the words it's not even close to what the heck I just said I was working on my website Eric O'Shea is ready to view Eric horse-hair fallopian tubes Oh see my arm when I throw the phone still there that's cuz I'm half Italian not Italian oh I can't stand what people say that how hard is it are you Italian you don't say the letter ID on the rest of the word tallien what the heck's next hi ms Spanish NPR chicas I'm C Heinie's [Applause] sometimes you know someone's Italian you ever see those three guys we love seen them every city has one how you doing this is Tony Frankie this is Vinny that's Italian come on I don't mean to stereotype those names Tony Frankie pick come on I've never seen a mafia movie yo you got my money sir I don't have it Brendon oh yeah hey Skylar go kick his butt Skylar in the muffy Skylar these names today I don't know how to pronounce people's names anymore are you with me on this number they think you saw a nametag there was one way to say it they go all these wacky variations you're never right anymore they love to correct oh hey Rebecca I know my name is not Rebecca it's rebut go pack up a decagon hey I'm an Eric - my name is not Eric it's E right Ruth do you believe this my name is not written that's like six ages and a seven why is here a seven in your name I can't see these kids growing up to becoming grandparents with these names there then kid their kids are gonna go to him crap ie clip where's grandma Velveeta she went to go get her stamp removed the Oh molasses I'll tell you later we've been through a lot haven't we these brats don't know any better no they're spoiled I have a little nephew Evan Yvonne I don't know what the heck is name is I got him a Halloween mask you know the cool mask for the kids today the rubber ones you pump a blood comes out of the port I don't like it uncle ya little brat do you know what I had what you had growing up see if you relate to this I'm surprised I'm still alive I had a plastic suffocation chamber with a thin rubber band that ripped your hair out of the roots the eye slits are on the forehead you can't say you only hold the mask was that little slit in the mouth but you didn't breathe leather you just stuck your tongue out when your it got stuck like a flirty to baka the whole night sorry now these kids have all cool video games too peeps we had monopoly never won never lost game took too long to play there's a waste of a week wasn't it the fifth day you're like drooling in yourself I love a war it's your turn the only thing you cared about was having a cool piece to play with when you rolled the dice cuz you didn't just hop you acted out whatever you had you were the car and you rolled a 12 I heard you're the dog or poop on on everyone's property here you go never get stuck with a dumb piece no you know you're gonna lose I know I'm not winning this game why not oh I don't know Frank maybe cuz my darn cymbal that's why I'll sew my way to go even the irons laughing at me we're gonna lose why don't you kids go outside then if you can't handle a game and play on one mom the swing sets I'm not talking about the cool ones for the kids today with the ladders on the top the clubhouse I see you know our swing sets that rusty sewage pipe suicidal death threats listen there is nothing more frightening than to one you slung really really high in the back legs flying out of the ground [Music] [Applause] [Music] hanging from a tree just well that was my reaction I think the only time I got more mad at that was when my mom dressed me she used to dress me up like an idiot Mike you look neat all the kids will think you're you know what I wore for each day of the week those one-piece jumper things with the pocket on your chest what is that pot yeah I'm gonna put my hand here and hang out what's up just keeping it real and all the kids had cool designs toys animals I had dice I didn't she got it in Vegas I didn't want to wear him you know what I did I did what we all didn't were 5 years old I looked my mom straight in the eyes and I said not gonna wear these I don't care what you say you ever notice when kids get really mad you guys they look like constipated ventriloquist's have you seen this did your kids oh I'm not talking to you I'm not talking Neela nothing one of these dice there's none of the other kids in school gonna wear these and I gotta learn that I'm just not gonna go to school and I will sit in the car [Applause] thanks you guys are way too nice way too nice now we have adult problems we have to deal with who said oh no wait I was driving on your Highway ie why do people drive 43 miles an hour in the left lane get over I have places to go [Applause] why are they so happy I'm ruining everyone's day then what do we do subtly we're annoyed don't we get up right on their rear end they may move over finally down but it's our fault too for sticking around because we never don't we should just gun it and stare ahead and get the heck out of there we always slow happen to turn to see if they look as stupid as they're driving this is amazing the weirder they look the more it made sense while their address you feel better why the heck were you going so slow oh no wonder look at the size of your head sway in the car down pick up stuff on the highway not you the litter people the people that pick spare tires plastic bags that won't stop one thing drove me nuts oh I saw I saw a shoe on the side of the highway how the heck do you lose a shoe on the highway how do you lose something tied to your foot her passengers getting out of the car too soon I think we're there holy cow myself it's bouncing down the road we gotta go back shut the door idiot sorry I thought we were there we weren't they're still bound to look yeah just set a horse neigh then they leave the shoe and drive away pull over and get it it's your shoe why would you leave the scene of the crime what do they fake it turnes droughts Wow I gotta get to work dude your shoe just flow I know I know it's casual Friday nothing makes sense I was in your supermarket they make up products I swear pine orange banana juice says a hundred percent juice that's impossible break it down I've heard of pineapple juice squeezed orange juice good morning banana juice juice from a turned banana yes I can't tell how many times I'm peeling that sucker back squirt right in the eye oh man when you squeeze a banana you know if banana juice you get banana write a letter to Chiquita but I can't spell and talked X didn't help Penelope I clamped it Penelope you know what's on my mom's mantel my high school yearbook picture this is your best look sweetie no it's not do you like your high school yearbook picture I don't remember your high school yearbook picture you sat down in the chair you're ready to go take the picture but you always did that nervous quiver smile remember the nervous quiver smile don't you two ever smile look normal this year you got this baby [Laughter] then the way no way you got then the photographer move too and that any other possession [Applause] now you look natural what it's not natural it's at the way you sit down never saw boring meeting everyone ever seat please [Laughter] bill what are you doing negotiating sign the contract sign the contract it looked like a newscaster I was gonna be one of those idiots the only thing I like about the news is when they interview somebody via satellite there's always that two-second delay don't they look stupid let's go live to Tom Tom said Provo Tom you there yeah I'd ask him easy questions make them look stupid on live TV what's 2+2 4 well I'd mess with the holy cow let me hunter there's Bigfoot riding a skateboard [Laughter] [Music] things late you could scare him late in his earpiece like knock it off knock it off Tom are still on the air I don't care toss it to sports I like sports salt laws a weird look at sport they underhand fast pitch whipping something with aggression under how'd you do it over with um for 30 I never saw a woman get mad at her husband you want to cheat do you want to cheat on me fine then you can take your damn clothes get out baby wait we could talk about this I said leave and I slipped I said the DM works it's where I'm from you know many times I was going over backstage OMG don't say OMG ot if I slip please I'm a good person please I'm Catholic my mom's my best friend my grandpa taught me to pray on my knees every night don't easy on me I'm sorry if I say g.od my I'll just add Zilla right after is oh my I always mean to dragon do the best he can you guys that really hurt my shoulder look you got are you all right that's how you say are you all right you ever noticed that you never you never say all four words are you all right you're right eery what what what are you doing I just fell down the stairs that was a good cackle right there let it out lady come on she's flying around the room these people let it out because we're the most spoiled weakest baby in society in the history of mankind oh yeah and I mean it with on you to I'm not picking on you guys everything we invented the word chili I'm chili really look at us all you ever think of your ancestors and a covered wagon -20° for a day's going across Utah you think you're cold now thank you ever just think about that's how they traveled we're such paint on my card it's in a pothole they didn't even have roads everything was a pothole they just rumbled along with trying to avoid trees we need to grow up my front tire pressures a little low my horse is dead [Laughter] [Applause] [Applause] we need to grow up [Music] people are getting Dumber - you ever ask somebody where something is a building that who it was a building not a person how annoying is that post office around here yeah my friend post office have you seen him you people are disgusting now - they can't stop sneezing - it's normal I'll give you a third for stay home there's something wrong with you we're trying to read a book someone's out of control bless you bless you I can't help it I got a lured P will tie your sickly fool how about people to plug their noses when they sneeze what the heck is that face I hope you pooped your pants maybe I did now I'm prepared for the smell chill whoops-a-daisy this is not my day and I shouldn't talk I can't stop fartin that's okay we haven't talked and I'm not being discussed sir let me please you guys do here at bro code FF dance please thank God you know when a farts not gonna smell thank God you do you know your body but you ever just like don't worry about it you're French like what the heck relax it's just there sometimes you know what's gonna stink you're like let's get the heck out of here are you sure yes it was hot when it came out you know the hot ones got throw away your pants the chair you have to move you know the hot ones you ever sick in bed just burning a hole through the mattress for two days can actually see the floor below you well there's my other sock never fart too long scares the heck outta hit that high note at the end you panic they were to feel for help what's the matter my butt is singing opera some parts are powerful be careful of those you know the powerful ones they don't have upbeat like a rhythm to it you ever just blast out a single bubble part those are day you ever just look you turn around your mailbox exploded a couple trees are on fire knock the guy off his bike sorry got a ticket for disturbing the peace what the hell how about extra hot dog I think it's cuz we eat too fast we're stupid when we eat are we gluttonous we'll put ourselves through heck just to like satisfy the urge to eat you ever have a sizzling hot piece of pizza you don't know what to do it okay man that looks delicious then you do that weird shoe thing like wow this is enjoyable what kind of peaches you get Wow well that's your mouth skin never choke on food to try to talk after you sound possessed never do that it's like ok they're assessed a turn are you sure thanks for laughing I love your labs you ever notice the last laughs the weirdest you're like I just heard it right there never yawn and water squirts out of your mouth that's kind of cool have some venom our bodies are weird ever trying to get to bed on your pillow your nose keeps making that kazoo sound even weirder you check to see if you're the one doing it like there's a guy in the corner [Music] come on baby just one more song [Music] same thing when you drool you ever wake up really annoyed it do you want to kick somebody what it's me of course it was no one came in your window in the middle of the night lifted your go to sleep pretty little boy third one we do weird things we're annoyed you ever counted money somebody interrupts you pretty one party dude we don't talk and go can you shut the heck up please I'm counting my money we all the numbers louder like a psycho killer happy dog we balled up 41 42 43 and that's how I got fired from the bank you guys think I'm weird you're all walked out as I am just let yourself go you'll realize it we're all whacked come on baby never you ever just say something normal then repeat it really weird a second time we do it while driving we're the heck's Chipotle you lose your mind looking for an address pot three fall back get two three four five show yourself to Daddy 53 hold it higher then to get washed shirts singing about it many oh that's I don't know where I'm going I don't know where I'm going where there's a shoe on the highway your shoe how that you get on the highway did a walk itself outside the highway there's a McDonald's but uh Papa blow it out your tush I better pull off the highway to a red light you ever talk to the red light hello red light you're gonna turn green for me how about you doing oh you little tease take your time baby I'll talk to the car in front of me hello Mercedes guy 53 and that's how I got fired from the bus company well I'm gonna go see my little niece soon she's so cute not really never see a three-year-old hide you ever hear a three-year-old hunt they stake at the game you can hear him run down the hall like closet door slams shut jackets are being ruffled back and forth hangers are crashing down to the ground I'm not stupid I love her to death though I wouldn't be mean to her she's so cute do you know she got very sick one time she got a little flu or something I drove an hour to my sister's house I ran up the stairs I said sweetheart what happened I floated up by myself what honey tell uncle again um I flew up by myself oh that's okay sweetheart we've all done that eat you float up on yourself and good every Friday night [Laughter] I don't drink if you drink please don't drink and I know you don't watch cartoons cartoons and alcohol I go I got a little back in the day turn it to my favorite cartoon character from those Christmas claymation cartoons Hermey the elf from Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer member lure her me when he topped his mouth went faster than the other words that actually came out of his mouth I came home a little I said hi dad I am hermie he said great when you're growing up now to be a drunk I said no silly I want to be a dentist a dentist I love doing that at karaoke just mess with the people oh is it my turn to sing I don't know what I'm doing and through it all when there was doubt I ate it up and spit it out I faced it all and I stood tall and did it my away [Applause] [Music] like I just bit my tongue well like doing voices voices are fun the infomercial guys the best that's why we buy those it's not so it's not so much the whacky product it's that guy's voice he could sell us anything at 3 in the morning then for mercial guys he could sell us cheap belt fans that blows people's farts away so you don't get blamed he's that convincing cuz he always starts with that uh-oh doesn't it get your attention the beginning that uh-oh somebody just farted and everyone thinks it's you well fear no more introducing fart away the revolutionary Bell fan that blows blows blows farts away look you've tried waving you've tried shooing that could be painful ouch but just turn on fart away and peace of mind as yours party was great for cars homes boats and RV's just listen to one satisfied customer I was in a crowded elevator next this fly girl somebody farted it was nasty but thanks to fart away I didn't get blamed and I got those digits order now we'll give it this handsome carrying case a $90 value absolutely free but wait there's more order in the next 30 minutes we'll give you a second fart away where went on both hips protect yourself from all ankles quite get blamed at the dance club for that egg fart you didn't do just turn on fart away get back to the party I got my fart away get yours today to order send intended if I push be handling the fertile weave the Aleksei 10 Wallingford Connecticut oh six four seven three that's the Oh box a Ted Wallingford Connecticut oh six four seven three order now [Applause] thank you guys thank you well you're fun here's to you well it is time to go that was kind of romantic I want to thank you guys for being here you have no idea how long I've been working on things and trying to make this such a unique show for you guys a very special group of people so I want to thank you guys for being here tonight did you have a good time [Applause] I'll do this last bit for you it's a lot of fun I did it the creative Emmy Awards it was an honor to do it I brought my mom is my date did I have a choice I [Laughter] love commercials but I don't like some of the songs they used to help advertise the products have you ever this commercial like a good neighbor very good but it doesn't help sell Coomer it's kind of stupidness some of these songs are a little so I think you'll just have fun with it thank you so much for coming out I think this would be a great song for AT&T Ricky can we hit the music and blast it really loud please don't really call me ancestry.com [Music] Weight Watchers [Music] [Applause] [Music] Krispy Kreme giant Pixy Stix [Music] [Applause] tequila [Music] [Applause] Discover card motorized staircase chairs [Music] nyquil [Music] barbers only dot-com wedding rings [Music] home security [Music] Taco Bell [Music] imodium [Music] [Applause] [Music] herpes [Music] [Applause] PMS [Music] you guys are good feminine itch [Music] pregnancy test and viagra [Applause] I'd seen all year Thank You Shawn [Applause] you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 986,117

Rating: 4.8900566 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Eric Oshea, Eric Oshea Dry Bar Comedy, Eric Oshea Comedy, Eric Oshea Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedians, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand up Comedy Routines, kids, whiny kids, kid impressions, italian, italian moms, dbc, stand up, wooden spoon

Id: XyinJYwsk2I

Length: 42min 24sec (2544 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 14 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/W1shUW3reHear]

“Kids will test you. Don’t lean on the pillar please”

Ok. So, I’m outside of this Karate For Kids place with my young son. He was like 5 or 6 maybe? We’re outside waiting for his older brother. It’s been like 30 seconds that we’ve been waiting, so he’s obviously bored out of his skull.

This is in a mini-mall, strip mall kind of place. There’s a downspout at the end of the building. For some reason, he starts playing with the downspout. He’s just pawing it for some unknown reason. He’s 6.

I see this and tell him to stop. “Get your hands off that”, I yell to him. Hands, I said, but without any special emphasis.

So he looks at me.

He’s standing right next to the downspout. The little snot stares at me and proceeds to place his elbow on the goddamn downspout. His freakin’ elbow! He’s looking at me smiling.

“I don’t want you to have ANY PART OF YOUR BODY touching that downspout!”

The little shit looks at me, bends down, PICKS UP A SMALL STONE and holds the stone against the downspout.

He’s looking at me. Smiling. He knows he’s won.

Friggin 6 years old.