I've been to the Bahamas about half a dozen times and when you go to the Bahamas, you gotta go through immigration and immigration in the Bahamas is not like immigration here, because here they ask you very serious questions and they expect very serious answers. In the Bahamas, they ask you questions that don't make any sense. First time I went to the Bahamas I'm in immigration, the immigration officers staring at my passport and then without looking up, he says, "What is your favorite color?" (audience laughing) I said, blue. "Welcome to the Bahamas." (audience laughing) Apparently the color coding method of identifying the terrorist. (audience laughing) Did some shows in Alabama. Anybody been to Alabama? Yea, it's a pretty state. I couldn't live there though, 'cause I ain't got camouflage, nothing. (audience laughing) I have never seen so much camouflage. I saw one guy had his whole truck painted camouflage, like, you're going to sneak up on a deer with that. (audience laughing) Like, the deer's thinking, "Boy, that bush is moving. (audience laughing) "It's got expired plates!" (audience laughing) And you see them guys wearing camouflage from head to toe and then, like, a bright orange hat. So if you want to be seen or don't you? Make up your mind. I was asking my buddy about this. He hunts and he said, "Well, Bryan "you wear the camouflage. "so the deer can't see you "and you wear the orange hat so "the other hunters don't shoot you." I said, can't the deer see orange? He said, "No they're color blind." Well then why don't we wear all orange? (audience laughing) Then you would be invisible. (audience laughing) I was in the store and they were selling men's underwear in camouflage. You know what? If you find yourself in the woods trying to sneak up on a deer in nothing but your camouflage underwear, I don't think it's about hunting anymore. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I think your life has taken a horrible turn. I was in Ohio. I was doing shows, coming home on Sunday morning, stopped to get gas. I pull in this pickup truck pulls in next to me. Two guys jump out, they're wearing all camouflage, so I'm just making conversation, I said, so you guys hunting? "Yeah, we're hunting." I said you hunting deer. "No, no. "We're hunting mushrooms." Do you think the camouflage is necessary? (audience laughing) I don't think mushrooms can run very fast. I learned that mushroom hunters do not have a good sense of humor. (audience laughing) So do we have hunters in the room? Hunters? (audience cheers) But nothing wrong with hunting. I wouldn't do it because it starts too early in the morning. All my friends are like, "Well, "we got to leave by four so we "can be in the woods by dawn." Why are you going so early? "Well, cause the deer "are easier to get then." Well, that's because they're sleepy, hello? I don't think that's fair. (audience laughing) How would you like it? The alarm goes off. You roll over, bam! (audience laughing) Anybody been watching that show Alaska State Troopers? Three of you got the cable here. (audience laughing) I love "Alaska State Troopers" it's like "Cops" on steroids. so I'm watching it one afternoon, the cops get a call. These people have this moose going crazy behind their house, so the cops show up. Sure enough, there's a moose back there. He got tangled up with some clothes lines, he's going nuts, so they go back there with a tranquilizer gun. They shoot him and it doesn't put them completely down and he was just—he was all woozy, so they cut all the clothesline off and then one of the cops decides the moose needs an enema. No, I don't know how you came up with that diagnosis there Doctor Doolittle. (audience laughing) It just happened that he had all the stuff in his trunk to give the Moose an enema, so he's in the middle of it and the announcer says, "Well, "this isn't the first time "that Bob's had to do this." (audience laughing) How many constipated moose has Bob run across? (audience laughing) There's some epidemic in Alaska, moose eating cheese and getting jammed up? (audience laughing) Anybody, stop to think that Bob's a weirdo? How about that? (audience laughing) You might not know who Bob is, but I guarantee all the moose in Alaska know who Bob is. (audience laughing) Seems real nice, but don't turn your back on him. (audience laughing) So, I'm sure most of you noticed, yes, I am bald. Right there with me, aren't you my friend? What's your name? - [Audience Member] Kent. - Kent, nothing wrong with losing your hair Kent. I was reading about this, apparently hair loss is caused by too much testosterone Kent. I guess we're just a little too manly. A couple of big sissies though, we'd have a full head of hair. Like, candy pants in the front here. (audience laughing) That's our story Kent and we're sticking to it. (audience laughing) I learned someone who shaved my head, because black guys shaved their head. They all look hip. They look cool, you know? Michael Jordan, Samuel L. Jackson, white guy shaved their head. They looked like escaped mental patients. (audience laughing) Uncle Fester look. (audience laughing) Could grow my hair long on one side and comb it over. Saw this guy in the Miami airport. He had his hair combed from the back of his neck all the way over the top. (audience laughing) I don't know who you think you're fooling with that and to get out in a strong wind— to get it to stay like that you got to schellac it in place. You get out in a strong wind the whole thing starts blowing up. You look like one of those hooded lizards on the discovery channel. (hiss noise) (audience laughing) I learned something about hail— or about Christmas this year. I think you can tell a lot about what your family thinks about you from the presents they give you. I have an aunt every year, gives me a fuzzy sweater. With either turtles, ducks or bunnies on it, apparently she still thinks I'm eight. I won't even return that. I'm a grown man. Not going to return a Winnie the Pooh sweater. (audience laughing) Next time I see her, "So Mr. Brian, how come you're "not wearing that sweater?" Well, cause I accidentally spilled something on it. I didn't want to tell her it was gasoline, oops! (audience laughing) We goof up some of our holidays too, look at Easter. What is Easter supposed to be about? The resurrection of Christ, how'd the big giant bunny get involved in that? (audience laughing) I don't remember reading about him in the Bible story and it's a big bunny delivering multicolored eggs and candy to the kids. Probably should be a big magic chicken. Had a big fight with one of my friends about that. He said, "Bryan, "it can't be the Easter chicken "because chickens have wings, "they couldn't carry the baskets." (audience laughing) That's your argument right there? They couldn't carry the baskets? I don't remember bunny's having hands either there idiot. (audience laughing) So we have a pair that— are you two dating? They look like they actually like each other. You dating? How long have you been dating? - [Audience Members] I don't know four or five . . . - I figured it hadn't been too long, 'cause you young men aren't very well-trained are you? (audience laughing) If you were properly trained, you'd be sitting next to her, "Nope, sorry, I'm not allowed to talk." (audience laughing) I can't answer any questions, I just pay for stuff. I mow the lawn, that's my job. (audience laughing) How long you been together? That's an easy question, man, you should knock that out of the park. That's not one of them hard questions, like she asks you when you're having them relationship discussions, you know what she's pouring her heart out to you and then at some point she says, "So what are you feeling?" "What are you thinking right now?" Danger, danger, 'cause first of all, she thinks you've been paying attention and you haven't. (audience laughing) You've been thinking something stupid, you know, I bet that Superman can fly just as fast without that cape. (audience laughing) See that's one thing men need to recognize in relationships. It's women are way out in front of us. It's like they're playing chess and we're playing hungry, hungry hippos, (audience laughing) but men are smarter than women in one respect, because men realize what you see is what you get. There's something about your wife or your girlfriend that irritates you to no end you better get used to it, 'cause it ain't going to change anytime soon, but to a woman, every man, is a fixer upper. (audience laughing) Let's see if I can get him to dress different, talk different, get rid of all of his friends, get him to quit cussing, drinking, smoking, watching sports, get him to go to church with me on Sunday, quit calling my sister a dingbat, he'd be perfect. (audience laughing) She wants someone like him, but completely different, okay. You see them guys been married like 30 or 40 years. They get overly trained. They start to sound a little goofy. Those are the guys you see in the mall, "I'm just supposed to "hold her purse and "I don't talk to strangers. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) "Go away, you're going "to get me in trouble. (audience laughing) "If I'm good I get ice cream "with little pecans on it, "I like the little pecans." (audience laughing) You ever been to the mall? Seeing them couples wearing exactly the same clothes. (audience laughing) You know that wasn't his idea. (audience laughing) You know, he didn't wake up one morning and go, "Honey! Oh, ho, ho. (audience laughing) Wouldn't it be adorable if we wore matching mickey mouse shirts? (audience laughing) That's a poor guy that's just given up hope. That dude doesn't even care anymore. (audience laughing) He's liable to show up at work one day wearing capri pants and a tube top. (audience laughing) That's all that was clean. That's what she told him to wear and it's good enough for him. It's one of the things you can learn about women. If you're paying attention, one the things that you gals are really good at is taking a man and beaten the ability to dress himself right out of him. (audience laughing) That starts the first time he comes out of the bedroom and she says, "Oh, you're not "going out wearing that are ya?" (audience laughing) No, no ,no, I was just trying this on, see if it will be a good Halloween costume or something. (audience laughing) Just in case I wanna dress up looking stupid. Then you go back in the bedroom, you go what in the world's the matter with this? Then pretty soon you lost your confidence and then you can't even dress yourself no more and you can only wear the stuff she tells you to. That's made worse because when you get married, all the clothes you had before you got married that you love and she hated all mysteriously get lost in the laundry, (audience laughing) All the stuff she bought you, you couldn't lose that if you tried. (audience laughing) I can't put three pieces of toilet paper in the toilet and flush it without stopping it up. My wife expects me to believe my favorite pair of blue jeans got shut down the drain by the washer. (audience laughing) That is a big fat lie right there (audience laughing) and I would tell her that too, except I'm scared of her. (audience laughing) Eventually you figure out they got this big elaborate plan to get you to dress different. For example, in my case, you know how many sweaters I had before I got married? None. (audience laughing) Now I have two dozen sweaters in there. I even own a pink sweater. I ain't wearing that unless I go to Elton John's birthday party. (audience laughing) You know what's the only thing she likes better than sweaters? That would be sweater vests. Yes! Sweaters with no arms. What a great idea, (audience laughing) 'cause so often my body kind of cool, but my arms are burning up. (audience laughing) It's the stupidest thing I ever heard of. (audience laughing) I have no idea how you get rid of a sweater vest. I have a whole drawer full of them at home. If my wife ain't around, I can take one out of the drawer. I can get out on the highway doing 70 and thrown out the window and that ain't even littering, 'cause when we get back to the house, it's right back in the drawer. (audience laughing) Think I'm making all this up about women beating the ability to dress yourself right out of ya? I'll give you proof. You ever been in the grocery store. See that old guy in there wearing flip flops, no pants and a sweater vest? (audience laughing) That dude isn't crazy. His wife was just visiting her mother. (audience laughing) She ran off and forgot to leave him anything to wear, and that's the best he could come up with. (audience laughing) I don't even laugh at that guy. I buy him an ice cream sandwich. Tell him he looks snappy. (audience laughing) I figure I'm about two years from being that guy. (audience laughing) Wife and I've been together about 15 years now. She's trying to get me to eat better. She wants me to live longer. "I want you to live a long, "long time so I can "tell you what to do for "a long, long time." (audience laughing) Problem is all the stuff I like to eat is terrible for you. I like, like, pizza, fried chicken and hot dogs. I don't know what it is about hot dogs, but they sure do make her mad. She finds out I had a hot dog. I get the whole health food lecture. "You know what hot dogs "are made out of? "They're made out of pig intestines "filled with chopped up "meat and chemicals. "that's what they're made of." I know honey and if you put chili and cheese on a pig intestine, it is delicious. (audience laughing) So now our big plan to get me to eat better, she threw out all this stuff I like. Replaced it with healthy stuff, now instead of bacon I'm supposed to eat soy bacon. "Oh it tastes just like bacon." Yeah, if bacon tastes like fried wallpaper paste it would be exactly the same. (audience laughing) Now instead of cookies, I'm supposed to eat rice cakes. I don't care how much chocolate frosting you put on a rice cake it still tastes like you're eating a styrofoam cooler. (audience laughing) Worst thing is ice cream. She threw out all the ice cream. I love ice cream. She threw it all out. You know what I'm supposed to have instead? Dried apricots. (audience laughing) That's not the same thing? It's your buddy saying, "Hey man, "I know I said I was going to "get you a date with that redhead "named Jezel, "but instead "here's a goat named Freddy." (audience laughing) My wife's been watching a lot of that HGTV. You guys watch HGTV? (audience laughing) I sure hope all them people are sucked into a sinkhole somewhere. (audience laughing) They've done nothing, but make my life miserable. They give her ideas about stuff. "You know, we should "build a gazebo out back. I saw "that on HGTV it was really easy." (audience laughing) Of course it was easy, honey, because they've got a staff of two dozen, an unlimited budget and editing. You know who I got to help? I got Jack. The retired guy who lives two doors down. Don't know where his rear end from a hole in the ground. Jack always wants to help, you know? So I'm trying to fix a dishwasher one day and I dropped a screwdriver and Jack can hear that from about three blocks away. He can't hear his wife screaming at him from the room next door, but he can hear me drop a screwdriver, comes running. "Hey Bryan, "what are we doing today?" Oh Jack, trying to fix the dishwasher. He said, "You know what? "I have a gas dishwasher," I said no you don't. There's no such thing as a gas dishwasher. "Yep. My dishwasher doesn't "wash the food off the dishes, "it burns it off with fire." Jack didn't you ever open the door and see the steam come out? "Well that's because they use "water to put out the fire." You ever hear something so stupid it's almost a work of art? (audience laughing) Did learn something from HGTV though, you know what the difference between curtains and window treatments is? about $3,000. (audience laughing) We had a guy come over and give us an estimate. I got so mad. I hit him and he got all upset, ooh, called the cops. Cops showed up, showed the cop the estimate. He tased him. (audience laughing) I'm not really big fan of weddings, but I think young men can learn something from a wedding, cause your lovely bride to be will spend like $500, $1000, $2,000 on a wedding gown and you will wear clothes that are rented. (audience laughing) I think it helps you understand how things are going to go. (audience laughing) So I was at a bookstore one time, just for my own amusement, I decided to count the number of brides magazine. They had like 26 different kinds of brides magazines, everything you can imagine. Modern bride, left-handed bride, knocked up bride. (audience laughing) You know how many grooms' magazines they had? None. Cause we don't care. How many men actually dreamed about their wedding day? That'd be nobody, you dreamed about your wedding day you're some kind of weirdo. I did a hotel a couple of weeks ago, parked in the parking lot, there's a minivan. Had two bumper stickers on the back, one said "Married and In Love" and the other one said, "We Believe in Marriage." I felt so bad for the guy who had to drive that. Like minivan didn't say pansy enough. (audience laughing) That is so sad. How many you guys been to Vegas? (audience cheers) I love Vegas. They have drive-thru wedding chapels in Vegas. You know what? I don't think much of the long-term prospects of your relationship if you're going to make a lifelong commitment. You won't get out of the car to do it. (audience laughing) I don't know about you guys. Every time I go through the drive-thru they screw up my order (audience laughing) and that steak, you think you're married her you find out you adopted her (audience laughing) and you got to move to Arkansas. (audience laughing) How many people got someone crazy in their family? (audience cheers) All you people who didn't clap or raise your hand, it's probably you. (audience laughing) I have an aunt who's just nuts. She's 94 years old, been married four times, killed three husbands. We don't know what happened to the fourth one and she wants to get married again. She said, "This time "I'm going for a younger man. "I want me a younger man." I said that's a good plan, 'cause I think there's only about six people older than you that are still alive. (audience laughing) Learned something about my family, we have a lot of stupid people in my family and most of them are men, because we played Pictionary, Thanksgiving, men against women. That was a huge mistake. All the women communicate psychically or something, they're getting the answers they shouldn't have got. My sister went first, put a dot on the page. My mother guessed "Last Tango in Paris." It was right. (audience laughing) We couldn't get nothing. My nephew went first, drew a zebra on fire in a boat and the clue was brainstorm. What does that have to do with brainstorm? He said, "Well, when I get a good idea, "it's like a zebra on fire in my head." Sit down moron. (audience laughing) What in the world's a-matter with you? My dad doesn't understand the whole concept of the game. He doesn't understand. You're supposed to guess stuff like what's being drawn on the page. He's just hollering things off that have nothing to do with nothing. "Golden Gate Bridge, Bolivia, "French toast, penguin." (audience laughing) Always guesses penguin, 'cause that's the only answer he ever got right in Pictionary. (audience laughing) I love my wife, she's a very, very bright woman, but she says some crazy things sometimes. Last Halloween I'm on the road. She was home by herself. She parked the car in the driveway. She didn't pull in the garage like she normally does. Overnight somebody poured maple syrup on the door, handles on the windshield. Oh she was furious. She called me up and said, "You know what? I'm pretty "sure it was gangs that did it." (audience laughing) So then honey, gangs usually sell crack and shoot people. They don't pour maple syrup on stuff. (audience laughing) Of course we do live in the suburbs, so you know, maybe we don't have the Bloods and the Crips, maybe we got the apple pancake gang tearing stuff up. (audience laughing) It's a nightmare. I let the dog out last night he comes in and he's all covered in whipped cream and chocolate chips. (audience laughing) It was the apple pancakes, I know it was. (audience laughing) It always amazes me now there's so many people getting tattoos and a lot of people getting those Chinese symbol tattoos, you know what? If you're going to get a Chinese symbol tattoo, have a Chinese guy do it. 'cause maybe he's going to know what those symbols actually mean, because although— just because Trevor, the millennial tattoo artists says he knows, he doesn't know. You thought you got "peace" and "serenity" in the back of your neck and it actually says, "egg roll! Two for one." (audience laughing) You're going to get a— if you're going to get tattoo, get some more appropriate to who you are. Like, if you're going to barbwire around your bicep, then have bicep that looks like it should have barbwire around it. (audience laughing) Nothing looks stupider than a scrawny guy with barbed wire around his bicep. Probably should be baling wire, duct tape, perhaps a twist tie. (audience laughing) Pretty great stories when I'm on the road. I was in Pennsylvania, we had about four guys who got arrested for stopping and robbing Amish buggy drivers. What are you going to get from them? They're Amish people! Give me your butter churn. (audience laughing) I want that pitchfork or I'll shoot. You can't have this, this was a Christmas present. (audience laughing) That was a bonus joke for the six of you who got that one. So how many married people do we have in the room tonight? (audience cheers) Enthusiastic married people. Socrates said in the fifth century BC, "By all means marry. "If you get a good wife, "you'll become happy. "You get a bad wife, "you'll become a philosopher." (audience laughing) Thanks to my first wife. I'd like to share some of my philosophy with you. They say love means you never have to say you're sorry. No, divorce means you never have to say you're sorry. (audience laughing) Love means you probably won't stop saying you're sorry. Unless of course you're a woman, then you never have to say you're sorry because you never do anything wrong. (audience laughing) That's why relationships are like a game where women are the scorekeepers and men don't understand the rules. (audience laughing) This may surprise you but I've only been divorced once. This is the truth. I got married. First time I got married. Six weeks later, my wife decided we made a horrible mistake. Apparently, she discovered I'm a big pain in the tail. Lady in front, it only took her six weeks. One of our biggest problems. I never got along with her mother. Every time we were together, I kept throwing water on her. It's like, you know, it worked in the "Wizard of Oz." (audience laughing) (audience laughing) I will say this, you're married to a comic, you better have a good sense of humor. Shortly before her and I split up, she told me, she thought she was pregnant, so I walked over to the window. She said, "What in the world are you doing?" I said, well, the last time this happened, three wise men came from the east. (audience laughing) She didn't laugh, like some of you people laughed. (audience laughing) I had to go to Vegas last year and my wife remembers all of her dreams. She has these very, very vivid dreams. She had this dream a week before I left that my plane went down. She didn't want me to go. I said, oh yeah, I got to go make some money, so she made me buy travelers insurance. (audience laughing) Yes, somebody got that. At first I didn't think it was a bad idea, then I started thinking about it. You know what? I don't want her rooting against me while I'm in the air. I don't want her at home going, "Mama "needs a new pair of shoes. "Come on, lightning strike." (audience laughing) And she's always asking me what her dreams mean and I don't know. She came down one morning. She said, "You know what? "I dreamed last night that I was being "chased up a mountain by a bear. "What do you think that means?" I said, well, I think that means you're supposed to get a second job so I can quit mine and just play golf all the time. (audience laughing) Well, as you can see, it didn't work, 'cause I'm here. (audience laughing) We've been fighting about soap. I come home, I've been on the road I come home and jump in the shower. There's no soap, and I said, hey honey, would you get me a bar of soap? And she said, "We don't use soap anymore." (audience laughing) But what do we use? She said, "We use shower gel and use the pink, "fluffy thing hanging from the spout." I'm not using the pink fluffy thing. "Well, you could smell "like ocean breeze." Well, I don't wanna smell like ocean breeze. I want to smell like Irish Spring like I always do. (audience laughing) Now she dug in her heels and she will not buy soap and if I buy soap, put it in the shower, she throws it out, so now I got to buy bars of soap and hide them in the garage like I'm an alcoholic. (audience laughing) Before she swore off soap she's was going to that bath and body works place where every bar costs like five bucks, comes with all kinds of junk in it sticks and weeds and broken glass. (audience laughing) "This is good for you, it exfoliates." I don't know what exfoliate is honey, but I'm bleeding. (audience laughing) It all smells bad. She said, "Oh you'll like this, "this is peach mango salsa." (audience laughing) I'm not going on a fishing trip with my buddy smelling like peach mango salsa and some Brokeback Mountain situation breaks out. (audience laughing) It's like women's perfume, it all smells like flowers, 'cause they think we're attracted to flowers, and we're not attracted to flowers. Make it smell like something we like, like pork chops. (audience laughing) WD-40. (audience laughing) What's that enchanting smell you're wearing sweetheart? "Pennzoil." (audience laughing) I used to understand the things we have in our bathroom and I don't anymore. Apparently my wife has moisture problems. You would know it. You look at her, she looks relatively moist. Apparently she's got problems, 'cause we'd get a whole bucket full of moisturizing junk in that bathroom and I didn't know this, but you have to have a different product for every part of your body. You know, you've got have foot stuff and hand stuff and elbow stuff and eye stuff and face stuff and you can't mix them up, 'cause if you use the foot soap on your hands, you burst into flames. (audience laughing) I'll tell you something else I don't like is when candles will smell like food, 'cause then you come home, honey? Did you bake cookies? "No, it's a candle." (grunts) (audience laughing) I smell pumpkin pie. "That's a candle too." (grunts) I know that pumpkin pie candle cost 30 bucks. You could have baked six pumpkin pies for that stupid thing cost. (audience laughing) I just wish they make a candle that smelled like I did some stuff around the house. (audience laughing) She come home. "Did you fix the back door?" No, it's a candle. How you like it? (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I'd be a zillionaire if I can make a candle that smelled like I was listening to her. (audience laughing) Thank you all for listening to me. You guys have been a terrific audience. My name's Bryan Cork, thank you very much!
