Be Glad Your Name Isn’t This Unique. Costaki Economopoulos - Full Special

if you hear that cous Takuya kind of model is shot people at the mall it was me I guess we should start with the name huh that's my name I grew up named kisaki economist yeah in Georgia now my first job was on a construction site so I got a whole lot I watch your own them two-by-fours down there Kawasaki Econo Lodge sweep that house out Suzuki snuffleupagus I've heard them all man kabuki metropolis karaoke streptococcus those are all real names are weird I have a buddy has the same name as someone who snapped and shot a bunch of people at the malls now he has that association with his name see I will never have that problem if you hear that kiss tacky a condom Appa was shot people at the mall it was me it's nice I get to control that I'm a married man I've been married four years now we know the odds right 50% of marriages end in divorce and the other half end in death so we know going in it's not gonna end well we're hurting for death ah honey I hope this ends in the debt I hope one of us dies the other ones nearby and sad that's how we know we won I was a divorce lawyer my slogan would be it's the only way to get out of this alive love my wife she's so completely obsessed with unplugging the toaster which we've never even heard of apparently it's a fire hazard she's yelling at me from the other room unplug the toast you're gonna burn the place down like I can't even burn the toast unless I push it down twice a toaster is a self-contained metal box on a stone slab might be this is the hole safest thing in the whole place if a toaster breaks on the on position the whole day you're at work what would happen it would just gently warm the area immediately around the toaster like honey the two wooden spoons are a bigger fire hazard there could be an earthquake and they might rub against each other unplug the toaster it's dangerous meanwhile she's lighting a candle underneath the curtain she's setting a curling iron to the newspaper like honey them it's yeah the butter next to the toaster is a bigger hazard to our lives right generations of economy pal I've been dropping dead from heart disease since the beginning of time no one's ever died from a runaway toaster fire have you ever even heard of one you got to work your friends all covered in black char what happened dude really another toaster fire tough month the other thing my wife does it drives me bananas I will ask her where she wants to eat and she will say to me oh I don't know you pick yeah you're familiar then I pick then she winces and says could we not go there yeah we cannot go there in fact here's the magic of communication we can go to exactly the place that you want to go all you have to do is say what it is why are we playing a crazy game right now I'm hungry then we got a marriage license also weird phrase license implies that if you're bad at they could take it away dude Ernie went to New Orleans with a bunch of guy friends how was that trip it was awesome but I did get three points on my marriage license so gonna have to stay in the slow lane for a little while oh it's Italian from New Jersey the rumor about the temper is true here's something I've never had to say to my beautiful bride ever what is it honey you can tell me now when she's mad it's not a secret 20 years ago I was dating a vanilla white girl she would give me the silent treatment and I hated it so much and now sounds pretty good I miss it now I think she was messing with me really you're mad but you're not gonna top deal I'm gonna watch the game let me know when you're done being mad woe is me you got me I've also been trying to convince my wife for about five years now that I do not snore in order to ruin her life like babe I didn't even know it was happening and see what can we have to tell me about it which by the way how is that a net gain for the team I'm asleep you're awake you wake me up now we're both awake why is this better I don't understand next time leave cut out the middleman leave the happy sleeping guy you sleep on the couch we'll talk about tomorrow well you guys clapping alright one night we're talking about snoring I know what if you were deaf my story be a problem then she goes No okay so we've established that you're hearing is the problem should I just get my stuff and go to the couch now yeah but I love her man I love her so much it scares me I said to a friend of mine and then had to think about it what's scary about love it's so fun it's so we I think there's a fear in love I think when you're really in love there's a vulnerability you're afraid that it's gonna someday not be right she could die we run off with another dude I would be devastated and that was thinking if she died around with another dude either way my day-to-day life after that'd be pretty much the same but I think it would be easier for me emotionally if she died right it's weirdly true because if she leads me for somebody else and I wasn't enough I was crabby in the morning I wasn't emotionally available it wasn't intellectually stimulating I was I was a drag somehow whatever some terrible painful truth but hit by a bus not my fault it's not on me it's almost an it's an easier next 30 years for me I know I'm not well I can provide a compliment to my wife give me a great compliment one night and I am ruined it feels so bad of it she said to me you're the sexiest man alive which is ridiculous compliment oh it's not even a little bit true but it's a nice thing to say to a person I should have said thanks you know what I went with alive why you gotta winnowing down the people who are alive you got something for Patrick Swayze or something yeah told you I ruined it too soon we can go back further if you want to ruin Capote I don't know if we go back further as paper ham Lincoln does it get funnier if you go someone not so recent as a Greek I was excited to see this set by the way yeah for a lot of Americans an octopus is like scary 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea or something but to agree it's like hey dinner all right excellent we were Greece a few years ago we saw there's an airline from Cyprus called Icarus err number Icarus he didn't finish his flight dick Chris wanted to fly to the Sun his dad's like that's not a very good idea he's like screw you I'm paraphrasing and he built some wings out of wax and feathers and he flew to the Sun and as he got close they melted and he fell to his death and it's a parable about listening to your dad at least that's the way my dad told me the story when the people of Cyprus started up an airline they thought well what's a good story to inspire air travel hmm Hindenburg's been taken let's go with Icarus Icarus err it's better than Oedipus err I guess I mean that's that's a terrible flight okay Greek mythology who's with me seven of you enjoy Greek mythology [Music] we got a kid Oh a nine-year-old daughter awesome kid yeah you followed the math right four-year-old marriage nine year old kid yeah there's a lot more to that story but the kids been fun in every face would chew his one chin poop for three days in a row and her mother was freaking out like what are you freaking out about is like a dream come true our baby doesn't poop we win this kids like a seedless watermelon we got a boobless dog we're gonna the perfect family when she was three we're in Australia for a comedy festival when she learned about crosswalks it's very easy on us John here's a red man and a green man and we learned the whole thing and we come back to New York where we live and there's a white man and an orange hand which makes no sense but I never even thought about it until I had to explain it to a new person you know cut to again totally true busy New York City street corner people everywhere loud three year old dad we have to wait for the white man yeah let's use our inside voice for this conversation yes Sonny we have to wait for the white man he decides everything let's see what the white man has to say and having a kid exposes your other kids which is also challenging I was on a park bench watching your play one day I don't know I guess my belly was sticking out a little boy I've never seen runs up points at me and goes you look like you have a baby in your tummy and he runs away it's like what that kid had no idea the emotional toll he left behind that was a long bike ride that night I can tell you that to the hospital to make sure he was okay she's a great kid she's expensive to get to hang out with we had to survive a custody battle oh my goodness it's crazy it's so dumb I'm embarrassed it's part of our story the lawyer was five hundred dollars an hour does that seem like a fair price to talk to a human I live in New York if I'd be more than it should be that's how New York is but that hurt my feelings it's like $500 is there a lobster sir hang gliding lessons and a root canal what's happening in this hour according to my budget we have to resolve this in 30 minutes talk fast chop-chop it's crazy and you can't get your head around how much it costs because they charge you for everything they hate to write an email to the judge they have a meeting with the other lawyers that write up a thing they file a motion they talk to you they go back and this goes on for days and weeks and months in a year for all the money we spent we could have had two kids each got one that's a cleaner break there all right anybody you got the long straw go say goodbye to mom hug your brother it's gonna be a tough road for that kid it's crazy it's not even socially responsible to spend money like that you could save children in Africa for 60 cents a day if we just stop fighting over one little white girl we could save all of the children of Africa but then of course I would get to know and love the children of Africa and she would try to keep me from seeing them back to square one you could laugh about my pain it's fun the one good thing that came from it it broke me from being cheap I don't care how much things cost anymore my wife went to go see Billy Joel at Madison Square Garden she's like ah tickets are 150 bucks each I'm like well we spent a hundred thousand to see a nine-year-old she doesn't know any of our favorite socks she kind of sucks on the piano let's go see Billy he was great one of her mother's brilliant ideas during the negotiation process was that we should get a life insurance policy with the other parent as the beneficiary I'm not paying for the bounty on my own head nor do I need to be tempted in the other direction if she dies they're gonna come talk to me first and they should I don't need a pot of gold at the end of that daydream well my problems would be over immediately and again a million dollars it'd be irresponsible not to consider that and I'm sure as a guy in the world I'd advantages big and small some of which I wasn't even aware of my whole life just from being a guy but when you're a guy in a custody battle you are way behind before you can start because culturally we think women are better at raising children than men and why have you looked around the world people suck and women raised almost all of us come on that is a fun fun point don't worry I'll walk it back [Music] unbalanced as a generalization are women better at raising children than men yes of course it's not even close the gap is so large think about how low the standards are for fathers in this country to be dad of the year all you gotta do is not drink during the day it's a good father at least sober till dinner what are you offering the man it's crazy so we hadn't what they've about half the time which we could have done on a napkin in a diner for free two years it's maddening it's crazy and I wish we had her all the time I think she'd be better off and we'd love that kid the good news is there's a silver lining I get a break hey I get to come talk to you guys for a few days I get to go home be super debt I don't have that thousand-yard stare the way sometimes parents do when they're with their kids all the time let's face it kids are a little bit like Las Vegas follow me on this when you get to Las Vegas you're like I love Las Vegas so much and then three days later you're like I gotta get the hell out of Vegas it's true right sumit dad half the time can we do marriage half the time - I think it'd be Elijah be married if it was every other weekend and Wednesday night Oh it'll be too honey but it's not our weekend I'll see you on Wednesday we just went to a wedding here's a question why don't we give gifts to people getting married people getting married are in love I don't need things to be happy we should give gifts to people getting a divorce because when you're alone crying in a studio apartment that's would be good have a really nice toaster I've been there sometimes toast is the highlight of your day things get really sad just bring that thing into the tub with you that's when you want to unplug the toaster that's a very dangerous toaster situation that I'll agree with some of our traditions happen at the wrong times obviously the bachelor party should happen after the divorce now you're a bachelor I enjoy that side of life hanging with drunks and strippers that's no way to prepare for marriage the bridal shower that's a weird tradition you hang around and give the bride sexy underwear first of all you got this guy you need sexy underwear show up naked that's all we care about anyway besides you're embarking on a journey it's gonna be hard you got to get along with another human being an intimate way for a long period of time the bridal shower should be a pet talk about lowering your expectations he knows I'm right so our traditions happen at the wrong times Catholics Confirmation 13 this evil young anybody else the greatest thinkers and philosophers since the beginning of time have been trying to figure out whether or not there's a God let's ask the kid with the braces in the acne what he thinks you can't ask a child a question like that I gotta find a grown-up all right man you're 63 none of your dreams came true you're upside down your house and your wife can't stand to hear you breathe how do you feel about God that's a more interesting conversation some of our traditions are weird man even the luhan's like a housewarming gift I just got to the neighborhood you're bringing me a pie I can't bake a pie you're proving you're a better homemaker than I am on day one slow down you get to bring your genius homeschooled kid over to obviously that's a joke no homeschooled kid is a genius so hit close to home Utah some traditions are weird I like the tradition of serving drinks to people on airplanes I fly that's nice but what about the people on the bus because if you're on the bus things are not going well you could use a trip give that man a drink he's on greyhound oh I took Greyhound a few times in the old days it's just a bunch of people I don't have a car or a friend with a car scouts from the Springer Show were there looking for talent the bus is slow and they have the Gaul named after a racing dog especial be called crippled poodle Chihuahua with rickets may be the strangest tradition in all of American culture the retirement party really you're giving me a gold watch today the first thing in my whole life that I don't care what time it is I'm never gonna look at a watch again watch me trade this in for a hammock I would love to be retired that's something an old guy says right looking forward to it now here's how I'm getting older now when I see a beautiful teenage girl I think to myself wow I bet she's got a hot mom it's funny I want to see the mother now I didn't know that was the next phase of life does that continue of in some way where's granny I want to see three generations of this magic let's go trying to eat better now that I'm a grown-up be enjoying the rice cakes as much as I why they come with a twist tie are they worried they're gonna go stale these are terrible yes they're fresh a price cake is it tastes like a star like you punched a circle out of his styrofoam coolers first time I had rice cakes I thought there was a mixup at the factory well obviously these are the packing materials that the cakes usually come in keep them moist and delicious how'd you screw up rice and cake those are both good things rice pudding is awesome carrot cake fantastic rice cake kill yourself a urinal cake is better than a rice cake please say you have low expectations you'll be fine so I did end up getting life insurance for my little family and it's weird that's the most grown-up thing I've ever done a guy came to my place took my blood in urine asked me a bunch of questions went away figured out my likelihood of dying came back offer me a price I took that bet and now the only way I can win is to die they basically come to you and say hey I bet you won't die in 20 years then you say oh I'm serious let's put a half bill on this let's do it these are all actual questions from the life insurance exam do you use tobacco products no do you on the motorcycle no do you fly non-commercial jets No then the pace picks up there's like 30 of these do you go hang gliding no do you go skydiving no do you go scuba diving no do you race cars no to go spelunking no I'm saying no to everything and in my head I'm like I'm saving money the guy leaves and a wave of sadness hits me I got to get a life I'm not doing any of the fun stuff so try to pay attention what's going on the world and if you saw this scientists found a drug that reduces obesity and mice well thank you thank God for that huh nothing's more embarrassing than your friends come over and your big fat mice are all laying around you gonna lie to your friends I'm sorry you gotta see this I put a month program you guys told me we're gonna run in the wheel no we're doing research on the mice right because we're good for a drug to make us thin cuz we all want to be thin we just don't want to have to eat less or move around it's so American we're freaked out about Fitness her dad I brought down the radio says their claim it works three times faster than starvation yeah how do they even know that it works faster than starvation have some bizarre clinical trial here's Mandy sheets three meals a day uses our product next to her little new boo he's starving Melanie booyah give her food early control group back on the scale test about our weight it's crazy a friend of mine said I'm up 3/4 of a pound who cares thought you care about is the number that's on the scale try amputation I'm on the new amputation weight-loss program with one civil procedure I lost 14 pounds plus now I can park wherever I want then I am burning way more calories hopping this stuff this is true my dad had one leg he thought that was a funny joke my dad lost a leg in war-torn Greece when he was 7 years old and they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger that is not true he was very easy to push over I wonder if flamingos ever pissed my dad off yeah they got two good legs they stand there on one seems rude I later saw the phrase single amputee and it made me think of my dad and laugh because I meant it sound like he was dating or something you know like single entity seeking woman who likes short walks you got a laugh right I mean life's short yeah it doesn't happen often but once in a while someone will get mad at something that a comedian says which has always been weird to me like if you're with a friend you say something I'm putting on dude I was just kidding right like oh you're kidding all right the tension goes away you're just kidding this whole thing is I'm just kidding that's what this is I was in Pensacola one night and I said to me surrogate motherhood is just a really intimate form of babysitting right like here's our embryo we'll be back in nine months a pregnant lady stood up and start screaming at me she was a surrogate mother she think that was funny like well first of all lady I don't care second of all why are you in a smoky bar you should be fired from this job one night Indianapolis I was talking about a peanut allergy and there's a guy in the crowd with the peanut allergy he's mad he threatens to take me to the alley and beat me up right and I'm very proud dogs like I don't think so buddy cuz I might have a Snickers bar I'm not afraid of you dude you could die from peanut dust look out there might be some under my fingernails from the airplane if I need to I'll get some Skippy smooth but a visible force still army buddy you don't know what you gonna do now be a boy one night Santa Cruz California basically the joke was don't beat your wife you think we get all jump on board with that premise no crazy troika lady up front this is a direct quote you don't understand sometimes you have to let a man work through a phase [Music] yeah I've been on the road a long time it was like drunk women are the trickiest for a comedian because you can't tear her apart cuz the crowd thinks you're being too hard but once in a while a drunk woman weather up the show so much that everyone in the room hates her guts and once that happens you could say whatever the hell you want and it totally happened that night she was just brooding the show at 5:00 told the guy she was with I was like dude would you please take her in the parking lot take care of her so I could finish up in here I was the King of Comedy for that minute and that was fun for me so what's my point along here be nice to each other between anything as human beings in life helps somebody out even if you don't know the guy right say you're walking down the street see a parking ticket on somebody's car take that thing off of there throw it away right why should he have to deal with that headache he won't even have to know about it I don't expect everybody to agree with me about everything I still run to people once in a while who are against child labor we've all seen kids bouncing off the walls at 7:00 in the morning on a Saturday let them make some Nikes for a while they learn a trade they make $3 a day in college that's called an internship you guys see the upside some of these things like Alzheimer's most of us spend our whole lives trying to forget stuff you gotta let her go you got to forget about her we've spent our whole lives trying to forget terrible things that have happened and finally with Alzheimer's you're free and how's it the perfect time nature so beautiful it's when you're old your body's falling apart the kids are ignoring live in a nursing home imagine how miserably be if you could remember all that stuff I for one bleed forward to a time when I can legitimately answer every question with I'm a pirate how come you didn't give me a Valentine's Day card I'm a pirate you're clocked out are we thinking the old-fashioned pirates with the hook and the eyepatch by the way if you ever get a hook get yourself an eyepatch you're gonna get distracted and your eyes gonna get itchy I think that's why we see those as a set get enough let it cop there's gonna be an adjustment period why do you have a hook on the end of your stump you're gonna kill yourself with that thing is it even useful remember that time Jimmy saved the day with his hook nope I can't even think of a thing that you would use a hook for what are you delivering ice for a living any noun is better than a hook a freaking spoon would be better pirates gonna have you play once in a while any noun is better than a hook a spoon a mechanical pencil a protractor a garden weasel burn oculars right a hair curler anything a shot-glass get a Swiss Army knife then you got some choices I've got a lot of weird ideas oh is that the grocery store I'm standing in front of the grapes I'm thinking where's the line between sampling and stealing how many grapes can eat before somebody freaks out runs over kicks you out of the store 19 yeah yeah so you take that as a tip and we definitely have a zero-tolerance policy on sampling the canned beverages I always wonder how many stock boys it would take the throw me out of the store what there's another grocery question for you why do we hunting out of a plastic bear bears don't make honey well bears like honey well bears like salmon I would need salmon out of a bear I wouldn't you to put in a little monkey it doesn't make sense honey in a bear and think of the message that sends it to our children hey kids a few squeeze a bear you'll get a sugary treat kids have to know the truth do you want a sugary treat you have to squeeze a B that's called fun with a four-year-old you buy lemon juice the store comes in the plastic lemon that makes sense you buy syrup you think that would come in a tree Mrs Butterworth I guess it's the bear rule she likes syrup I don't know I wouldn't drink Budweiser out of a big fat guy yeah I probably would not from Georgia oh you're doing some braiding found out Marco Polo as an explorer I thought was just some guy lost in the pool Marco Polo right there right kids pool game I waited in that game after him it was it lost in the water the game should be called Amelia Earhart she's not here Marco Polo's a bad message for kids anyway I think about how it's played one kid pretends to be blind the other kids splash water in his face and taunt him for not being able to see it's terrible lot of games you play that bad mess musical chairs what's the message there cover your own ass screw your buddies as we have to take care of yourself the pinata beat the heck of a senseless animal of a stick and if you're really extra violent you'll get some candy well you all because you have a blindfold on but your friends will just another case of the blind guy getting screwed a lot of bad message for kids the Tooth Fairy body parts are worth cash santa claus sit on a beard strangers lap tell them your name and where you live halloween take candy from strangers if they don't give you any vandalize their homes this is the worst message for kids ever to game remember this one smear the queer that was a game when i was a boy now it's a hate crime remember when Rover and Rover one kid runs over he breaks through that line he gets to stay on that side which is basically our immigration policy well you did get here how do you fill of a health picking fruit oh that's where you draw the line all right I guess football fans NFL fans right yes yeah what team zero for you guys are kind of between a few Denver Philadelphia Chargers Raiders really alright we got a we got a good mix here that's nice alright wait so you you got Broncos right Broncos Fred I think the Broncos are a cool story right Tim Tebow came to that team and taught them about the power of prayer and they prayed for a real quarterback and Peyton Manning came and they won the Super Bowl it's a nice story meanwhile Tim Tebow is a good broadcaster right he's good at something that goes to the air after all so that's nice Raiders as you become a Raiders fan you grew up one really did you are you from there you just like scary pirates and losing teams I don't but it's a good call back points for you sir it's thought now not everybody remember this you will JaMarcus Russell was the number one overall pick for the Raiders 2007 he was the last one to work he was the first one to leave he was terrible they paid him 33 million dollars and they had to cut him and let him go no one else wanted him people let me say when they win the lottery they're gonna quit their jobs that's what JaMarcus Russell did you give me 33 mil for every joke I've written so far you got yourself a deal buy on how good the jokes are gonna be after that it's hard to write a joke in a hammock with a mai tai we're all stay here and I heard Sea Hawks and there's a few other okay BYU you still got Steve Young Steve Young right am i right it's been a while I'm a lifelong Falcons fans been a tough run for me I'm not over that Super Bowl yet oh God here's the here's the darkest joke I ever wrote was that night at least when you're a Falcons fan then you slit your wrists you get to die on your own team colors and won't go away either my friends Oh a friend of mine calls me he goes hey man how was your summer on a scale of 28 to 3 I hate you so much we got a female ref in the NFL now which i think is awesome right it's a good match right women have been interrupting football for years I'm just saying I'm surprised there are some differences with a female ref right she throws the flag doesn't tell you why fifty-five you know female around you can get a flag for thinking of committing a penalty they get in trouble or something he did three weeks ago and no more instant replay once she's made up her mind not interested in the facts I love football I missed the redzone channel he has a it's the best you gotta get it it's awesome right if you don't know it's one channel that has all the NFL games simultaneously no commercials I only show the teams in the red zone it's so great I wish they had kiss tacky red zone where they just show me the highlights of my own life and cut it all the crap right I don't need the airports and the taxicabs I want a room full of people laughing my kids smile and my wife getting out of the shower that's it that's all I I'm a simple man then occasionally two great things happen simultaneously they got a double box at the pizza guy here she dropped the towel someone's gonna score I'm very simple all right I got a fortune cookie I think sums things up nicely for me it said life is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think that's true life is really terrible and it's fantastic it's all in how you look at it you know take this example guy was watching the soccer game his wife came in and changed the channel they got into a fight he killed her watch the rest of the game and then called the police all right that's terrible but I cut that article out and put it on the refrigerator and now I can watch whatever I want I gotta go guys thank you for the nice walk [Applause] you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 842,456

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Costaki Economopoulos, Costaki Economopoulos Dry Bar Comedy, Costaki Economopoulous Comedy, Costaki Economopoulos Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Comedy Routines, Marriage, weird names, happy marriage, strange names, hard name, greek, greeks

Id: 3bb6eWGG6qA

Length: 41min 12sec (2472 seconds)

Published: Sat Apr 18 2020