"Horses" - Jim Gaffigan Stand up (Quality Time)

we are a country that loves to bet on horses every spring we track the three races of the Triple Crown every spring I always have the same thought we're still doing this is Woodrow Wilson president but people love the Triple Crown the Kentucky Derby where people bet on horses while they're dressed like characters from gone with the wind it's like prom for gamblers my sister's garage because I have a debilitating gambling addiction shall we have another mint julep those announce the winner of each race on the news you gross tell the horse was named by a guy on his eighth wife horses Oh his name like viagra is revenge let's show a picture of the winning horse on the news think it show us a picture of any horse we wouldn't know the difference I don't know what we're supposed to do with that horse image it's now that we're gonna run into that horse in a bar excuse me did you win the Kentucky Derby I did I won the Kentucky Derby now I'm in a bar enjoying a half invasive there is the classic photo of the winning horse right there they're always wearing that huge horseshoe wreath of flowers they stole from someone's gravesite standing next to the winning horse is the owner of the horse who did not train the horse did not ride the horse and based on body language has never really met the horse there the owner stands looking like they have never paid taxes sitting on top of the winning horse is the jockey who is dressed like he just came from a local pride parade there was interview the jockey expecting some insight they're like how'd you win the jockeys like I whipped the horse and I ran it's very rare for a horse to win all three races of the Triple Crown mainly because their horses and they don't care mostly they just want someone to stop whipping them because they're horses I didn't know this after the triple crown all those horses retire they retire at the age of three it feels early they retire and then they're sent out to stud those horses get paid to have sex which in some ways is better than winning the Triple Crown that's like the quadruple crown that's gotta be an adjustment for those horses like hey remember why don't we whip you and we want to get a run well now would we whip you we're gonna have you do something a little different how many horse jokes it's not gonna do I never thought I'd miss a murder joke there's a lot more horse jokes and if you haven't noticed I know nothing about horses I don't horseback ride mainly because I prefer to be comfortable it's not the 1800s sure the horses aren't thrilled either they're like why am i carrying you around I saw you drive up in a Honda Civic but people like yours Macra I have a friend she told me the reason she enjoys horseback riding is cuz she loves horses which seems like a strange way of expressing love for something making it carry you around on its back I love my great aunt Katie not gonna make her carry me around on her back anymore yeah I don't even know why we have to specify that it's horseback riding are there people in there you want to ride a horse apart the part that looks like a seat the back okay cuz that done horse ass riding paper I kept falling off I should probably tell you the rest of the show is all horse jokes is he serious there are different types of horses he's gonna keep going isn't he there are there breeds of horses right which is different from horse breeding I've ever seen - horses breed but that'll keep you awake at night if you've never seen two horses breed - not you - but you're not YouTube it and print out still images don't do that don't fix your face on one of the images and show your wife think it's funny shoo I think it's funny but that says more about her than you what was I talking about horses it's strange how we treat horses we give horses shoes I don't even know if horses need shoes you never see a horse in the wild walking around like wow which adds a damn shows we give horse shoes that are metal metal that's worse than Crocs that must be hard to shop for right do you have anything in metal but not a slip on something I could nail - my foot and what we're not doing that we're literally tossing the horseshoe around as a day must be looks like we're taunting the horse hey Jorge Horseshoe a symbol of luck for everyone but the horse I don't know if this is true if someone told me that when horses are sent out to stud some female horses will wear high heel horseshoes makes it more confident I'm gonna be paying for this later on and I put on my feet all day that's got to be the end of the horse jokes horse people and I'm not talking about people that are half horse half human which are centaurs and they don't exist anymore right no people who own horses will tell you that the horse can't even feel the nail going in their foot not that anyone's ever heard a horse go that fine hammer way next time below just don't tell me where you got the glue from well that was too edgy there's no horses in here we've got a horse in the front row going hey take it easy on the glue I love how some of you look forward is their hearts out there it's strange how we treat horses you know the most shocking way we treat horses is when they break their leg we shoot them that's a harsh medical plan and someone explained the reason they shoot horses when they break their leg is because it's unlikely the leg will heal properly and I was like unlikely so there's a chance how stressed out horses must be like I stepped on a branch it was a branch even if they're injured they're like you ever heard of bengay what's going up I can see on some of your faces that you would frankly prefer if I did more horse jokes it's odd how are we treating horses because we live in this era where we treat our dogs and cats as family members people are always trying to get their dog on an airplane you know it's just a matter of time before someone brings a horse on a plane this is my therapy horse it keeps me calm on the fly Oh we'd like to welcome our silver medallion members to board and anyone traveling with a farm animal board at gate 47 done feel free to grab some sugar cubes that we've horsepower horsepower is so different from girl power yeah man it's like you go horse is what horses eat okay I can tell at this point there's probably one or two or three hundred of you that are frankly annoyed by the horse Jones and I want you to know that your annoyance gives me pleasure alright you know what that's that's no more horse jokes I promise I promise alright anyway ponies are completely different here's the problem with doing roughly ten minutes of horse jokes besides the audience hating you for the rest of their lives it's for the next couple minutes you will all be like is there a horse joke are you gonna be like he could have put a horse joke in there use the reference giddyup why wouldn't he put it in there I want you to put the horse jokes aside put them in a barn and I'm gonna talk about something else maybe it's over do you love animals well I do too if you don't hit subscribe all the animals will die so it's up to you [Music]

Channel: jimgaffigan

Views: 1,481,814

Keywords: jim gaffigan standup, horses, jim gaffigan quality time, kentucky derby, horse betting, horse shoes, horse owners, Triple crown, retire, husbandry, horseback riding, Rodeo, horse breeding, horse people, shoot horses, horse power, kentucky derby 2018, horse, horse racing, the triple crown, kentucky derby 2020

Id: e8n776ozpyA

Length: 10min 47sec (647 seconds)

Published: Thu May 07 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/Squrlz4Ever]

It would behoove more Snorkels to watch this video.