Best CLOTHING Jokes Compilation | Jim Gaffigan

hey everyone this is a compilation of the best jokes on clothing that i've come up with over my career if you enjoyed please hit subscribe i'll be posting a new video every day during the pandemic turn on alerts if you want to be notified of the daily video otherwise wear clothes it's hard i can't believe we're still giving clothing as a gift because whenever you get clothing as a present you always open them you think not even close and the person that gives it so i was like you can take it back if you don't like it that's right i'll just throw it out don't give me an errand happy birthday why don't you head to the mall for me if you get my dry cleaning that'd be awesome i got a robe for christmas i remember looking at the robe thinking wow hope i get the flu so i can wear it i mean who has the time to enjoy a robe what are we about to shoot a porno that's a weird piece of clothing how'd we even come up with the robe with some guy i got an idea how about we make a coat out of a towel there could be a belt that goes around and you could dunk the belt in the toilet toilet belt [Applause] the indoor jacket the robe you ever see someone outside in a robe they look like they escaped from the loony bin i just get in the paper before the monsters do right [Music] the only time i ever wear a robe is when i'm staying in a fancy hotel you have that robe in the closet i just feel uncomfortable when room service comes and i'm in a robe like i'm trying to seduce the room service guy hello welcome to my room i'm in my robe and here's the bed i rented is there anything i could do to be more creepy oh he was believable as the creepy guy i'm wearing all black tonight because uh that's easier than working out right by the way these aren't skinny jeans i'm just fat black the magic of black wouldn't it be great if there was something that made people look in shape besides alcohol but that's what black is it's the beer goggles of color it's like you look great have you lost weight uh i'm homeless and wearing a garbage bag well you look thin you know what color i look really out of shape in is a flesh color it is brutal on me my birthday suit needs more suit i've gotten so out of shape i don't even feel comfortable buying workout clothes i always feel like the sales people look at me like our restrooms are for customers only i get intimidated by the wall of athletic shoes you know they have like a shoe for every activity i just get caught up in the styles i'm like i like the blue ones they're for pole vaulting how about the gray ones cross trainers is is there a slipper section i just need to get between places where i'm sitting down are kind of my pace i guess even the person who named slippers was lazy all right what do you want to call these things we slip on oh slippers i did see this speed walking shoe i don't know if anyone's a speed walker here but if you are you look ridiculous you ever see this they almost look like a little kid that's been told not to run around the pool no running i'm not running or someone in a or someone in a desperate yet polite hurry to get to the bathroom just said indian food excuse me a diarrhea joke already come on fella of course the weird issues are those baby versions of the adult shoes my brother-in-law bought our five-month-old these tiny timberland hiking boots and our baby can't walk let alone hike my brother-in-law was like they're cute they're only cute because they're ironic it's like giving a blind person a microscope look at them fumble with that isn't that adorable got to get a picture he's holding it upside down shoe jokes really is that what he's doing for his special he's doing shoe jokes what's next socks you ever lose the sock how long are you supposed to hold on to that other one because i got like 80 of them but i know once i get rid of it the other one's going to show up hey where's my brother he's in a better place he's in sock heaven i think it's strange when the elastic goes on socks he's like the socks in i retired i'm done no longer a sock now i'm just kind of a sack you could store marbles in me but that sock business is over that means the underwear too the elastic goes like the honda we're saying i quit i'm tired of covering your ass this job stinks not gonna take your crap anymore other puns i have been to victoria's secret i had a reason you know as a man you need a reason to be in victoria's here you can't just be in there like i'm looking around see what you ladies are buying it's getting my wife something for valentine's day you have to reach a point in a relationship where you can get a woman something from victoria it's not like a first date thing like thanks for meeting me for dinner i got you a bustier why don't you go on the banjo and throw that on secretly every guy wants to go in victoria's secret walk behind them all we're like one day one day i'll have a reason because you know we've seen the catalog you don't have to search out the catalog it just shows up in your mail you're like oh what's this seems like there's some good articles in here if i wasn't married i could get rejected by all these women and guys we're just dumb enough we see that's victoria's secret store and we think maybe that's where those models live they're probably in there right now walking around in angel's wings they're probably in there having a pillow fight right now if i could find a practical reason to go in there it would be amazing and then you finally go into victoria's secret and it's like a greyhound bus station what are you guys in between shifts in here where's all the angels there's just stressed out sales ladies with headsets on underwear underwear underwear where's the open bar but you're still a guy in a woman's underwear store and you don't want to look like a creep that's why every man at victoria's secret has the same expression on his face so boring this place is boring because i'm not a pervert it's nothing stimulating in here because it's boring to me especially those huge posters of supermodels mostly naked [Music] i didn't know what i was looking for so i went up to a sales lady who had the warmth of a tsa screener what do you want nothing i didn't touch anything i'm leaving trying to be discreet i was like look i'm looking for something for my wife she's she's very intelligent she's creative because you can't say i'm looking for a [ __ ] outfit she volunteers she's organized maybe that french maids outfit would be good i know it's thrown because the sales lady was like what size and i was like sized female you're small because you don't want to guess too big you're gonna be like hey you'll grow into it i thought you was much bigger you can't ask a stranger like hey excuse me that lady you look like you got a keister like my wife's what size undies you got there maybe you could try on this uh outfit i got i just wanted it over with when i was paying i assumed the awkwardness was over until they handed me my purchase in a bright pink victoria's secret bag that i had to carry around the mall the rest of the day that might as well have just said pervert on the side me and my ladies i like ladies undies so much i got a bag full of them heading into burger king y'all have a whopper with cheese and a small fries for the ladies undies when i got home i realized you have to find the right time to give your gift from victoria's secret you can't be like hey well you're done changing that diaper i got another changing poo for you it's a little gift from me to you that's really for me because if you're buying a woman something from victoria it's really a gift for you it's like here i got me this thank you i'm welcome i'm never going back there again i know these pants are tight that's a little gift for ladies and some of the phallus can't control who i turn on at this point these pants are tight but after i wear them for a week they'll look fine that's my approach with clothing eventually the clothes go all right i'll adjust you could get bigger pants or i could just stretch out whatever works for you jim by the way this shirt when it's untucked goes down to like here it's frightening it's so long i look at it on my bed i'm like is that my shirt or a sleeping bag it's huge but then when i put it on i'm like it's a little tight am i going rollerblading i have a new belt because my old belt looked like it was tortured on game of thrones i don't know what happened to it i think it's because i don't like to give up on the belt hole we're still good and my poor belt was like i could have been a watch band for david beckham but a bell for a fat guy serves a different purpose a thin person wears a belt to hold up their pants these pants aren't going anywhere the fat guy just wears a belt as a distraction distracting from the fact that this is all the same surface it's just a mini equator separating the northern hemisphere from the southern blob and the wider the belt the greater the illusion that's just science that's why santa claus santa's belt is like a conveyor belt it's not even holding up his pants it's keeping his jacket closed and we're leaving cookies out for that slob of course santa wears suspenders under his coat suspenders the last stop for the fat guy because eventually the gut gets so big the pants need to be suspended like a bridge the belt no longer fits across the equator it must be buckled underneath instead of holding up the pants it drags them down because every action has an equal opposite reaction forcing one to choose between suspenders or a lifetime of plumber jokes but hiking is huge it's huge there's hiking clothing there's clothing for walking outside i thought all clothing was for walking outside and there's whole parts of the country the entire pacific northwest everyone's dressed like there could be an impromptu hike at a moment's notice well i'm going for a coffee but you never know what a hike might break out so i'll put on some sturdy shoes and a breathable fleece that joke was brought to you by patagonia i don't know if you can tell by looking at me but i'm kind of obsessed with not being interested in fashion it's uh something i care deeply not about and i'm aware that not being into fashion is a fashion choice right how annoying is that it's like oh you're not into fashion that means you're an inarm core why can't i just wear clothes to cover my disgusting body why must it be a choice because the only choice i make when it comes to clothing is does it still fit me i don't know if you've had an opportunity to fat out of clothes that's a special feeling there are watershed moments in your life right when you hold your newborn child or you fat out of a t-shirt it's amazing because you don't even go to the obvious conclusion you're like well this sure used to fit i haven't grown since i was a teenager oh i'm a fat ass well time for a burrito i don't know the best is when you pack for a trip and you fat out of clothes but you don't realize until you get there he hates it there you go well i guess i could wear that as long as i don't breathe out or sit down you ever wear a shirt you can't sit down in yeah you know what i'm gonna stand i know it's thanksgiving i'm more thankful standing better angle for carving i still have all the clothes that don't fit me they're in my closet in case i have a dramatic weight loss over a weekend it's ridiculous it's like i'm curating an exhibit of my weight gain well that suit was from 30 pounds ago and that sweater was from last winter and this shirt this shirt never fit have you done that have you bought clothes that don't fit thinking that'll be the incentive to lose weight it's like well i've only gained weight for the last 40 years maybe this shirt will turn it around how'd you lose weight i bought a shirt it worked no fashion's kind of wasted on me you know like those fashion shows to me fashion shows just look like skinny teenagers walking around in their parents clothes looking for food wow there's no food out there all right i'll change my open look again fashion shows are rather absurd when you consider they're just people sitting around watching people walk around and close which is what people do in clothes every day but at fashion shows they're so fascinated they're like oh my gosh oh wow look at that person walking close how do they do it ah if only we could watch them do laundry and we all know what a fashion show is because we've seen it on tv in december they televised the victoria's secret fashion show which is excellent by the way well that one's different because there's angels so there's a spiritual aspect to the thongs they're pedaling but i understand michael moore's mentality fashion's not going to change his life it's not going to change my life i look the same whether i'm wearing a t-shirt or a tux i still look like someone who eats fast food probably because i do eat fast food i look the way i look look i didn't vote for trump but i walked around new york city and everyone the week after the election looked at me like you did it you did it i didn't do it but after a couple days i was like did i do it i know people are scared about trump being president but i can tell you as a straight white male i feel like i'll be okay [Applause] [Music] wearing my shirt untucked the untucked shirt the fat man's last hurrah next stop momo you might see a guy with his shirt untucked and think oh is he in a hurry is he going casual you should know someone very close to that man someone with a shirt tucked in and said don't do that that's visually unpleasing you look better not fully dressed the untucked shirt it's like the male wonder bra there's a surprise underneath and you're not gonna like it this is not a nantucket untucker which is a brand of short i do love those untucked commercials they presented like some revolutionary technology it's a shirt that can be worn untucked wow like a magic shirt and that's right can other shirts do that no this is a special shirt it goes with our unzipped pants and our unbuckled belt and combined with your uncombed hair you can look unemployed and be unwelcome in restaurants that's unbelievable [Music] this shirt is actually a 2xl that's right i did it mission accomplished there should be a moving up ceremony for when you hit 2xl it is with great pride and slight disgust that we present this garment roughly the size of a circus tent to this slob who actually struggles to put on his own socks he may now burp for no reason at all i am new to the 2xl community they've been very welcoming did some research you know what the size after 2xl is kill yourself oh it's 3x triple x that's pornographic it's so fat it's obscene xxx does sound like some fat on fat action oh yeah oh yeah and i'm heading there hopefully by the end of the show i don't know what happened all i did was eat abusively for 40 years and suddenly i'm fat that doesn't seem fair i am now at the size when i go in clothing stores sales people look at me like we got nothing for you and you can't use our bathroom when i go out to eat if i order a salad the waiter's always like oh look at you try i'm always afraid he's going to gather the whole staff the fat pig is trying the fat pig is trying i've always talked about my weight and my stand up but in the past after shows if i ran into audience members they'd be like jim you're not that fat you're not that fat but now after shows people like good show you nailed it hi thanks for watching hit subscribe if you want if you want to see more stand up i have more stand up or if you want to see an original show like let's get cooking or the mike and pat show that's available on my channel but also just know that i'll be posting a new video every day during this pandemic or until the world ends please hit subscribe and turn on your alert or notification button

Channel: jimgaffigan

Views: 518,328

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Id: LDOFO1qAx-4

Length: 22min 38sec (1358 seconds)

Published: Sat Aug 29 2020