- I did lose some weight
last summer, thank you. (audience cheers) Thank you. I did, I did. Well, I had my appendix removed. (audience laughs) But it still counts. (audience laughs) I didn't know what the appendix
was, and since I'm an idiot, I just pretended like I did. The doctor was like, we have
to remove your appendix, and I was like, both of them? (audience laughs) Luckily, he thought I was kidding. He's like ha ha ha. (Jim fake laughs) (audience laughs) I'm so grateful he didn't call me out. I don't know what I would have said. There's only one appendix. Oh, ha ha, appendix. I thought you said lungs. (audience laughs) To me, they sound
similar because I'm dumb. (audience laughs) I didn't know what the appendix was, but I don't feel that bad. The doctor told me science isn't even sure what the appendix does, exactly. Science isn't even sure
why the appendix exists, and I heard that and I
was like, oh my gosh. The appendix is like a Kardashian. (audience laughs) It is. (audience cheers) Think about it. It's a mystery to everyone. (audience laughs) But for some of us,
causes excruciating pain, and needs to be removed with a knife. (audience laughs) Obviously, I'm not promoting violence against any of the Kardashians. Just the mother. (audience laughs) There's always one person
that gets too into that joke. Yes, kill the mother. (audience laughs) Kill her, and smear her blood on my face. (audience laughs) I think it's strange science doesn't know what the appendix does. That means nobody knows. You're over here, science doesn't know, but Earl has a theory. (audience laughs) Earl, when you were cleaning the toilet, you mumbled something. (audience laughs) How is that an acceptable answer from the entire scientific community? Yeah, we don't know. (audience laughs) Well, back to cloning everything. (audience laughs) Let me just remove the appendix. That's the solution. Take it out. We don't know what it does, and it's fine, but the first time they did it, we removed your appendix. Let's see what happens. (audience laughs) I had my appendix removed in Alaska. That's not why I went there. I was on vacation with my family, and I had this sharp pain in my abdomen, and since I'm a genius,
my first thought was, oh, I pulled a muscle in my stomach. (audience laughs) That's what I sincerely thought. (audience laughs) See all these muscles? (audience laughs) I thought I pulled one doing nothing. (audience laughs) And the pain was overwhelming. I couldn't move. My wife was like, I'm gonna call for help. I'm gonna call for help, but we're in a remote area of Alaska, so she just ran to nearby cabins. Eventually, she came
back, all out of breath. She's like, I found a guy, I found a guy. I was like, oh, good, is he a doctor? And she goes, no. I go, is he a nurse? And she goes, he's a lawyer. (audience laughs) I guess he can do my will? So then, this lawyer doctor came over and started asking me questions, and when you're in pain,
all questions are annoying. He's like, do you have a fever? And I was like, are you even a lawyer? (audience laughs) He's like, is it a dull pain? There's nothing boring about this. (audience laughs) Eventually, I had to be
airlifted, on advice of counsel. (audience laughs) I was airlifted, which was embarrassing because unlike a heroic airlift of someone from a natural disaster,
or a wounded soldier, I was just a fat guy with a tummy ache. (audience laughs) The helicopter pilot was like, wait, your stomach hurts? Yeah, it's real sore. (audience laughs) Do you know how much it
costs to rent a helicopter? But my tummy hurts. (audience laughs) I knew it was expensive. I sat on that helicopter the entire ride just holding my stomach,
and praying, praying, please don't let this be gas. (audience laughs) Sweet Jesus, don't let this be gas. Because if it's gas, I don't think I can return to my family. Hey kids, Daddy's back. Had some gas. (audience laughs) Took a helicopter ride. None of you wanted to
go to college, did you? (audience laughs) A little out of our price range now. We don't know what caused the gas. It might've been Daddy's
three breakfast burritos. (audience laughs) Pretty much a medical mystery. (audience laughs) I was airlifted to the closest hospital. They removed my appendix. They did a good job. I mean, I'm female now. (audience laughs) The surgeon who removed my appendix, his name was Dr. Muffuletta, which is also the name of a
delicious New Orleans sandwich. (audience laughs) And I do look like a
guy who would know that, and so when he introduced
himself, I was like, am I being visited by the
ghost of sandwich past? (audience laughs) Is Nurse Po Boy about to come in? (audience laughs) I woke up after the surgery
covered in Mardi Gras beads. (audience laughs) No, I woke up, and there
was a nurse standing there, and she was like, the
surgery was a success. Just let me know if it hurts when you pee, and I was like, wait,
where is the appendix? (audience laughs) How exactly did you remove it? This doesn't sound like a success at all. (audience laughs) Then, she explained
right before the surgery, they inserted a catheter. I didn't know what that was,
so I was like, oh, okay. (audience laughs) And then, I started piecing it together. Hurts when I pee, catheter,
I'm suing this hospital. (audience laughs) You'll be hearing from my lawyer doctor. (audience laughs) What monsters. If given a choice of
peeing all over myself or having a tube inserted in my penis, I'll take the pee shower. (audience laughs) I guess I'm old-fashioned. (audience applauds) Checking out of the
hospital, the desk clerk was so excited. He was like, you had
your appendix removed. I had my gallbladder taken out. I was like, we should vacation together. (audience laughs) What are the odds? Two fat Americans had surgery
on their digestive system. (audience laughs) I was released from the hospital
the day after the surgery. They gave me painkillers. They also instructed
me to do some walking, which I assume was part of the recovery, but it felt like a
commentary on my weight. (audience laughs) Have you ever done any walking? (audience laughs) Have you ever leaned forward, and let your legs propel your fat ass? (audience laughs) Let's take a break from
your motorized scooter. (audience laughs) And I was in Alaska, so I
thought this was perfect, so I returned to my
family, and we immediately went on a hike, and it was great. Alaska is beautiful. My kids were having fun. I was pretending like I
enjoyed being outside. (audience laughs) And then, suddenly, we saw
a bear, 500 yards away, this huge, brown bear, way
bigger than a gummy bear, and I was so excited because
I watch nature shows, but I had never seen a bear in person, so it felt like a celebrity sighting. I was like, oh my God, I've
watched you on Animal Planet. (audience laughs) You're so much taller in person. Can we do a selfie? (audience laughs) But unlike a celebrity sighting, there was the risk of death. You never hear, we were in a restaurant. Tom Hanks walked in,
and then, he came over and murdered my family. (audience laughs) That never happens, but
the bear was far away, so I took out my phone, and
I started taking pictures, and then, suddenly, the
bear stood up, roared, and looked right at me, and
started creeping towards me, tilting his head back and forth, almost like he recognized me. (audience laughs) He's like, that guy looks
like Philip Seymour Hoffman. (audience laughs) And I was terrified. Luckily, we were with a tour
guide, and I looked at him, and he goes, don't
worry, I have bear spray, and I was like, do you
have anything stronger? (audience laughs) Like a bear gun? Because I don't think
this bear's approaching to get his hair done. (audience laughs) And the bear kept coming, kept coming, and then, suddenly, the tour guide goes, okay, I want everyone to start
walking backwards slowly. Walk backwards slowly, I guess, so the bear could catch up. (audience laughs) So we started walking backwards slowly. By then, the bear was in a full sprint. I had surgery 12 hours
ago, so I smell delicious. I was also sunburned, so
I probably looked like a giant land salmon. (audience laughs) The bear couldn't believe his luck. I'm not gonna have to eat for a month. I was like, I'm gonna die. I'm gonna be eaten by a bear, which is ironic given how
many animals I've eaten. (audience laughs) So I started humming Circle of Life, and continued walking backwards slowly. I should point out, it's not like we were walking backwards slowly
to a car, or a cabin. We were walking backwards
slowly to nothing. (audience laughs) It probably looked like
we were teasing the bear. Come and get it, Mr. Bear. (audience laughs) You looking to get a little grizzly? (audience laughs) Craving a little two XL are you? (audience laughs) And before you knew it,
the bear was upon us, and he killed us, and we died. (audience laughs) Such a bloody mess. No, what really happened is, at one point, the tour guide pulled out this thing. It looked like a pen. I was like, great, he's gonna
ask for the bear's autograph. (audience laughs) And I learned later on
it was a bear flare, and he squeezed it, and this tiny fireball went out towards the bear, and I was like, oh, good, something to anger the bear. (audience laughs) But the fireball bounced off the bear, the bear stopped, and then,
just ran the other way like it forgot something at home. (audience laughs) And we all looked at each
other like, oh my gosh, did that just happen? That just happened, and
that's a true story. Well, most of that's true. Well, it's all true
except there was no bear. (audience laughs) Hi, I'm Jim Gaffigan, and
I wanted to just thank you for watching that video. It just makes me giddy. I mean, not giddy, but it makes me happy, and frankly, I don't have much more time on this planet, and I was, I guess, if there's anything else
I'd want it would be if you would subscribe, but
you don't have to do it. I know you're busy. (bell dings) You're cool. You've got other videos to watch, but if you hit subscribe, I don't know, maybe I'll have the
willpower to pull it out. That sounded dirty.
