Top 5 Funniest Jokes from "Noble Ape" Jim Gaffigan

[Music] i hope it doesn't sound like i'm picking on her because i'm grateful to have her in my life it's nice to have a partner someone looking out for you you look out for them like i did two weeks of shows out of town in december and when i came home my wife informed me that she made me an appointment for the gastroenterologist if you're unfamiliar that's the doctor that sticks the camera up your butt i mean they do other things but that's what they're famous for that's probably how they attract people to the field you like photography i got a job you're gonna love i didn't ask my wife to set up this appointment i wasn't sick i didn't have any symptoms she just did it because she was looking out for me so she casually brought it up she goes just so you know i made you an appointment for the gastroenterologist and i said just so you know i won't be going she was like why wouldn't you go it's just a consultation i said well it's the principal i'm an adult i make my own decisions thank you anyway so i'm at the gastroenterologist the doctor starts to describe the procedure and i said look i should probably let you know i don't really enjoy getting my picture taken i would be open to an ultrasound i think a lot of men are curious what the jelly on the belly feels like anyway the doctor he didn't think it was funny and i knew his precautionary so i agreed so he went over to his computer and he goes all right my next available appointment is in three months and i was like three months this was in december i didn't know if i wanted this procedure hanging over my head during the holidays jim you want another piece of pie no i'm getting a camera up my butt i don't want some team of doctors to be like wow this guy loves pie barry get out here he's got a half a pie up there i didn't know what could delay this important procedure but part of me didn't want to find out i didn't want the doctor be like well the real delay is finding someone to clean the camera turnover in that position is insane you know people do it once and they're like you know what i'm going back on food stamps then i was thinking maybe it's the doctor maybe he's like dude i can only do this procedure once a month then i gotta take a week off sit on the beach and ask myself why i keep sticking cameras off people's butts i could have been a dentist again with the dental reference but in february i had the procedure and i think every man in here should get a colonoscopy because i had to it's not an easy decision cause the best news you can find out from getting a camera stuck up your butt is learning you didn't need to have a camera stuck up your butt that's the best snooze yeah we didn't need to do that we could just chalk that up one for fun and the day before the procedure you can't eat anything and i'm a total pig so i was terrified but after i was awake for five hours and i hadn't eaten anything i wasn't hungry i was suicidal i was so bored i was like what am i supposed to sit here and feel feelings and then at noon and at 6 00 p.m you have to drink this serum that i believe is made by a collaboration of ex-lacks and taco bell printed on the side of the serum it should have just said drink this in the bathroom might want to grab a pillow and a book cause i tell you i've had diarrhea before this is the point where everyone acts like they've never had diarrhea i don't even know what jim's talking about to you yeah i'm the only one who's had diarrhea and a hotel hot tub okay like we're at the same hotel no i've had diarrhea i don't want to brag no i've had diarrhea but calling what this serum did to my body diarrhea is an insult to the word diarrhea my body made noises i didn't know existed at one point i thought i stepped on a puppy i was in the bathroom for hours for hours checking email ignoring phone calls cause serum or not you can't answer the phone in the bathroom because you can't hide the fact you're in the bathroom because there's an echo are you in a well yes yes i'm down here in a well just no kids in this well making sure no kids fell in but i kept getting this call from the doctor's office and i thought there might be important information like someone saying do not drink the zero so i answered it and it was just someone confirming the appointment and i don't know how someone's supposed to sound when they confirm a colonoscopy but this person was really casual they're like hey how i am so we're gonna see it tomorrow what are we having brunch i thought i was getting a camera my butt she gave me the address the next morning i went there it wasn't at a hospital or a clinic it was at some building just picture where you imagined the black market would harvest human organs what am i doing here i took an elevator to the basement there was this huge space with all these makeshift rooms with shower curtains and i was led into one there was all this talking you know when you're nervous and you think you hear things i thought i heard someone go i can't believe he's here i want his kidney i was terrified and then eventually an anesthesiologist walked in he gave me a shot and he goes i just want to go through what's going to happen right now i'm giving you some medicine which will knock you out and when you wake up you won't remember anything you okay with that and against every instinct of my body is one okay and the last memory i had is just watching the anesthesiologist leave the room as i heard someone go i want a spleen and i woke up but i was fine i mean i'm pregnant but i'm fine [Music] i was recently given a gift certificate for a massage which i will never use because i am not one of the real housewives of beverly hills i've gotten a massage before but i just i find it hard to justify a massage like you know what you know what i deserve to have some someone i don't know rub my body let's make that happen people cause massages are always from strangers we get massages from strangers because we can't count on the people who love us to touch us right i mean you could be your best friend you see that guy take a bullet for him i'm not giving him a massage i'm no queen my wife the woman i love the mother of my children here's my massage you're good that's my hand's cramping so we paid total strangers hey i know nothing about you why don't i take off my clothes and climb on this padded dining room table and you can do whatever you want we know nothing about these people i don't even ask if they're a masseuse well you're dressed like an orderly and a mental ward why don't i get in the most vulnerable position i can think of i want face down on the donut pillow does that work for you because then i can look at your feet and imagine you're grabbing knives what do we really know about massage therapists they like to rub strangers for money while they listen to the avatar soundtrack that's a red flag those are the traits of a serial killer i never know what to say during a massage sometimes i'll try and break the ice and be like hey you're not allergic to leprosy are you they never laugh because they're busy imagining making a suit out of my skin because they're murderers they already put the lotion in the basket i don't even know what type of massage i'm getting when i get a massage do you want a deep tissue a shiatsu or a swedish massage i'm like i'll take the blonde i don't know cause men view massages differently a woman gets a massage her friends are like good for you a guy gets a massage you dirty dog [Applause] cause men sexualize all human interaction it was a therapeutic massage how therapeutic nothing happened yeah that's what would tell your wife huh that's got to be frustrating for massage therapist that double meaning did you get a massage or a message no other occupation has to do with that did you get a cavity filled or a cavity fill how many dentistry references is he gonna have for me a massage is just an hour of awkwardness right she she gets done she leaves the room i put on the robe i step outside she hands me a glass of water i was looking at her and go you're never gonna call me what a charade i did have one massage therapist she told me they're allowed to turn people down i don't know why she told me that it was after a show can you imagine getting turned down by a massage therapist that's rough yeah you couldn't pay me to touch it not for all the money on the planet [Music] oh i did one of those genetic tests i was surprised to find out i'm all asian you do learn things from those genetic tests like i discovered i wasted a hundred bucks they send you information mine just said dude you're white in fact you're very white i hope you feel guilty they didn't even break out my nationality they just highlighted all the british isles like you're trash from here wherever people need sunscreen but what do we expect to learn from these genetic tests like oh my gosh i'm related to my ancestors we're only gonna find out bad news you see it in the commercials i thought i was italian but it ends up my great grandma was a so i guess i'm eastern european sometimes people think i'm saying eastern europeans are and i am my point is only good family news is passed along like if your great-grandfather was abraham lincoln you'd already know that but if your great-grandfather was the town drunk your grandpa's likely to go uh i don't remember i think he worked in a bar chief gutter inspector i do know i have some irish ancestry but apparently the irish didn't keep great records cause well draw your own conclusion something tells me they weren't busy sunbathing i'm irish but i have blonde hair supposedly the only reason the irish have blonde or red hair is because the vikings invaded pillaged and probably other stuff those vikings the scandinavians i don't know if you've been to sweden it's like a whole country of scarlett johansson's if i was in ireland at that time i would have been oh no some viking ladies coming to pillage me i guess i'll hide on this bed covered in rose petals hopefully she can help me put together that table they say last names can tell you something like if your last name is cooper that means you probably had an ancestor who made barrels if your last name is cantor that means somebody along the line was a singer my last name is gaffigan which is gaelic for highly anxious and when i learned that all i could feel was highly anxious how anxious do you have to be for people to go you should go with that as your name that's why we call you anyway it does seem like some last names were chosen to impress right you know someone's like you know what i want the ladies to know i'm successful so i'm gonna go with the last name gold man goldman what are you going with weiner i want the ladies you know i like hot dogs [Music] i do enjoy traveling to other countries seeing how different but essentially similar we all are like like the uk is not that different from the u.s you know if anything you go over there and it seems like british people are trying to be different from americans they're like oh you drive on the right side of the road then then we're gonna drive on the left side of the road oh you call your mother mom then we're gonna call ours mom oh you call that a cookie then we're not going to the dentist i know that's cheap i did notice something when i was over there you know british people they don't say the before hospital you ever notice that they're like hospital i was feeling knocked so i went to hospital whenever they would do that i'd say stop that that's wrong and weird are you trying to sound like a polite caveman and i had a friend from london he was like what makes you think you're doing it properly and i go because i'm american and we invented the english language it was a pet peeve of mine so i did some research you know why british people don't say the before hospital because they're dicks i know that sounds harsh but admit it british people always talk to americans like we just walked into their jewelry store with two full bags of garbage may i help you are you lost [Music] obviously i love the breads and i would never do those jokes there [Music] it's been a crazy year for me crazier i don't know if you know in april it was discovered my wife had a brain tumor i'm not even making this up it was removed she's great everything's good i didn't remove it i i was in the other room soiling myself but the tumor is gone along with my ability to ever win another argument it's not like i was winning a lot before but now i'm retired and luckily my wife's not the time to bring it up well once she did she was like you know i did have brain surgery and i couldn't be like yeah that was like a month ago it's time to move on you know what about my seasonal allergies we all have our cross to bear it was crazy you know the surgeon told me the tumor was the size of a pear which is scary but also confusing i was like did he go to med school or a farmer's market but tumors are often compared to fruit a pear a lemon a grapefruit interesting fact worst tumor grapefruit worst fruit grapefruit when you think about a grapefruit looks more like a tumor than a fruit i almost feel sorry for grapefruit yeah we can't win yeah we're already the worst fruit now we're compared to the worst tumor well at least we help old people poop that is the worst impression of a grapefruit ever it's kind of unfortunate that there's another fruit that's much smaller named grape because you know there's situations in doctors offices we've found a tumor it's the size of a grape thank god i didn't finish grapefruit oh that's that's very different this is strange you know when the doctor told me the tumor was the size of a pair i thought wow i guess doctors are bad at analogies but i quickly realized they're just dumbing it down for idiots like me like the surgeon looked at me and thought well this guy's not gonna understand centimeters i don't even wanna try and explain circumference based on appearance he doesn't eat fruit but he's probably seen a pear when he's at the grocery store buying ice cream i don't know why the surgeon sounds like andy rooney you ever notice tumors look like fruit by the way if you don't know who andy rooney is you're a child and if you do know who andy rooney is you should probably eat more grapefruit tumors compared to fruit they're they're sometimes they're compared to balls like a golf ball or a softball but the surgeon looked at me and thought i'm gonna stick with food i got a better shot of this fat ass understanding i joke around but it was scary we have five children and there were moments when i was like oh my gosh if anything happens to my wife those five kids are gonna be put up for adoption some of these jokes are just for the fathers hi thanks for watching hit subscribe if you want if you want to see more stand up i have more stand up or if you want to see an original show like let's get cooking or the mike and pat show that's available on my channel but also just know that i'll be posting a new video every day during this pandemic or until the world ends please hit subscribe and turn on your alert or notification button

Channel: jimgaffigan

Views: 398,578

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Id: DdjX_Wh5bvE

Length: 19min 42sec (1182 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 09 2020