- Travel a lot. I'm constantly going through security, always behind that person that's never left their house before. (audience laughs) They always wanna ask me questions, like, can I bring soup on the plane? (audience laughs) It's homemade soup. I'm like, uh, you should ask them. For an ID, can I use a fishing license? (audience laughs) Uh, you should... Should I take off my shoes and my pants? (audience laughs) Yes, you should. (audience laughs) Airport security is annoying. It's nothing compared
to international travel, like going through
customs and immigration. That's so intense. They dress like SWAT team members. I always get so nervous, I'm like, (gasps) do I have heroin on me? (audience laughs) I don't even know what heroin looks like. (audience chuckles) But I might have accidentally packed some. (audience laughs) There's that mini-interview
with the customs agent. What do you plan to do in our country? Murder people. (audience laughs) You got me, I wasn't ready
for your trick questions. (audience laughs) I always feel like an idiot
when I travel internationally. Some of it is I don't
know the metric system. It's not like I wasn't exposed to it. When I was growing up, they were like, learn the metric system. Everyone learn the metric system. Big switch coming up. And then 10 years later,
they're like, ha, never mind. (audience laughs) It's too hard, it's
based on tens. (laughs) (audience laughs) Let's go buy an SUV. (audience laughs) So now, I can't ask a distance when I visit another country. I'm like, how far is that? They're like, that's 500 kilometers. I'm not in the Olympics. (audience laughs) This isn't a James Bond film. What's it in normal speak? (audience laughs) I don't speak any other languages. I have friends that speak Spanish
and French and Portuguese. I don't care. (audience chuckles) I speak English, the language Jesus spoke. (audience laughs and claps) Least he did in the movie I watched. (audience claps) I always love doing that joke. There's always a couple
faces in the audience like, don't say that. (audience laughs) 'Cause you travel internationally, you realize some people
don't like Americans. I mean, the Canadians like
us and the Israelis like us. The Australians like Americans so much, it makes you question their judgment. (audience laughs) You should read some of our history. (audience laughs) But I get a kick out of what Europeans don't like about Americans. Always like, you Americans are dumb. You know nothing about Europe. It's not that we're dumb,
we're just not that interested. (audience laughs) Sorry, I don't wanna learn more about your windmill country. (audience laughs) He's gonna get a wooden shoe in his ass. (audience laughs) First time I did that joke, the whole front row was Dutch people. (audience laughs) And they didn't care, or
they did, I don't know. They have no emotion, it doesn't matter. (audience laughs) He's the most anti-Dutch comedian ever! (audience laughs) Obviously, I love
traveling internationally. The only negative, too
many foreigners, right? (audience laughs) The weird thing is, is you
travel around the world, and you realize pretty quickly, people are the same wherever you go. Wherever you go, there are good people and there are Russians. (audience laughs) See, the reason that's funny
is 'cause we were all raised with this bigotry towards Russians. I have a friend, he was born in Russia, he moved here when he was three, and I still think he might be a spy. (audience laughs) We don't know. (audience chuckles) The best is when you're
visiting a country, and someone thinks you're a native. I was waiting for a cab in Stockholm, and this Swedish lady turned to me, and she was like, Bjorn Bog, Bjorn Borg. (audience laughs) That's not what she said,
that's what I heard. (audience laughs) But I knew in that moment that once this lady
found out I was American, she was gonna be disappointed. So I just decided that
I was not gonna speak any language she spoke. She was like, Bjorn Borg, Bjorn Borg. (audience laughs) And I was like, ah, ah, ah, ah. (audience laughs) She was like, tu parlez-vous francais? I was like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. (audience laughs) She was like, do you speak English? And I was like, (clicks tongue)
brr, brr, brr, brr, brr. (audience laughs) That woman is now my wife. (audience laughs) It's just like The Notebook! (audience chuckles) What? Still there. (audience laughs) I wouldn't mind being in shape. You know who's in really
good shape was Jesus. (audience chuckles) Nothing like the topic of Jesus to take the air right outta the show. (audience laughs)
(slurps loudly) That's what he would've wanted. Hey, when you bring up my name, I want people to be really uncomfortable. (audience laughs) And it's not just the Christians, everyone's like, (hisses) too soon. (audience laughs) It was only 2,000 years ago. Let it breathe, buddy. (audience laughs) But Jesus was in amazing shape, which is especially impressive considering he could multiply
bread whenever he wanted. (audience laughs) Boom, pretzel bread. (audience laughs) The Bible doesn't specify what
type of bread he multiplied. I imagine it was pretzel bread. (audience laughs) Boom, pretzel bread. Boom, garlic knots. (audience laughs) That's why he had all those followers. (audience laughs) Come on, maybe he'll
make some focaccia bread. (audience laughs) This is how people
walked in Biblical times. (audience laughs) They were really into that
Beyonce Formation video. (audience laughs) How many Beyonce references
is he gonna have? (audience laughs) But who knows? Maybe Jesus could multiply the bread, but he had no control over
what type of bread it was. He was like, you want some bread? Boom, pumpernickel? (audience laughs) I didn't get a lotta sleep last night. (audience laughs) Still free bread, everyone. (audience laughs) Let me try this again. Boom, Melba toast? That's never happened before. (audience laughs) That the big guy playing a trick on moi. (audience laughs) Of course, Jesus was multiplying the bread to illustrate a point. He was like, I can give you
bread that can feed you, but I can also give you bread
that can feed your soul. But you know everyone was like, yeah, I'll just take the food bread. (audience laughs) I prefer the food bread
to the soul food bread. (audience laughs) Unless that's what you call corn bread. (audience laughs) 'Cause I love corn, can you make pizza? (audience laughs) I love pizza. (audience chuckles) I realize religion jokes make
some people uncomfortable, especially the ones
that are going to Hell. (audience laughs) Don't you dare! (audience chuckles) Get back to your regular food jokes. (audience laughs) (air whooshes)
(sighs) Wow. That was amazing. I feel like we really connected. I think you're ready to
move the relationship (air whooshes)
to subscribe. If the button wasn't
down there, subscribe. Just do it. Do it.
