Horrible Histories Best of Season 1 | Horrible Histories

[Music] a gorgeous georgian lady is quite a sight to see for some splendid beauty tips pay attention listen to me [Music] white is beautiful dear ladies smear your face with paint of lead never mind the lead has made the men who mixed it ill or dead take some silk of red or black cut a circle or a crescent stick it to your face to cover smallpox scars it's much more pleasant shave your eyebrows clean away take a trap and catch some mice make false eyebrows with the mouse skin stick them on you'll look so nice [Music] next you need a monster wig if you want to look real smashing when your wig has reached the roof then you'll be the height of fashion decorate your lovely hairpiece use the feathers of a parrot add some ribbons fruit and flowers from your ear then hang a carrot make your face look soft and chubby pack your mouths with balls of cork hang your false teeth in the middle hope you don't choke when you talk [Music] now you followed my advice last of all you need a fan flutter it oh demurely then you're sure to bag your man [Music] five victorians viewers may like to know that all the names in the following sketch are genuine victorian names good day [Music] right settle down mr butler isn't here today so i'll be taking the register uh now i don't know any of you so be sure to call out when you hear your name raspberry lemon lettuce burger boveril i'm i'm sorry i i think i must have picked up a shopping list no miss those are children's names they're not answering because they're off sick bothering raspberry honestly christian names have got really weird since victoria became queen well okay on with the register no way miss sit down what are you talking about you said i'll go on the register i'm okay okay johnson well okay uh unless i give permission never get out of your seat yes miss why are you standing up you said never get out of your seat i'm never never crook has nobody got an ordinary name in this classroom yes toilet all right be quick no that's my name i think that's quite a normal name my sister's called baboon toilet and baboon your parents must be evil no that's evil over there yes i've got an ordinary name miss it's susan oh that's more like it huge and semolina thrower right let's just try and get through this shall we i'll say your names you say here and i'll try not to say your name's accidentally happy yes miss don't tell me your name's happy right register here we go freezer breezer here is princess cheese who missed minty badger here miss scary looker no i'm sorry why would anybody call their child scary looker forget i asked now i am miss farting clack good morning miss farting class oh hello there yes those really were all real victorian names minty badger and princess cheese hey it makes what celebrities call their children nowadays almost normally and now it's time to meet those ever so clever chaps the brainy greeks i'm aristotle ancient greek philosopher and i'm archimedes inventor physicist mathematician engineer and big head [Laughter] [Music] you know the caveman gave us roman soldiers built the road egypt's pyramids were buildings at their peak but when we talk of great invention it's important that we mention a special race who really were unique plato and pythagoras both of them did stagger us socrates he showed such great technique was there ever ever ever such a bunch of chaps so clever if you want to know the answer ask a greek i'm a greek i'm a greek we are also magnifique we invented sundials catapults and bricks she can sleek so to speak our success was not a freak but working hard was how we got our kicks we created the first siren and the first soldering iron the olympics well that was quite a busy week so the next time that you go go to the toy shop for a yo-yo let them know know it was thought of by a greek we are greek we are greek nowadays you'd call us geek but in ancient times people thought of us as tough our physique was not weak because when people gave us cheek we invented boxing and other violent stuff fiery flame throwers for battles hidden on cameras baby rattles yes there's nothing they can't do i hear you shriek so next time you take a shower or you see a lighthouse tower just remember they were thought of by a greek stage acoustics ancient hops music sounds of flats and sharks central heating at your doorstep spins syringes lamps and forceps fire extinguishers thermometers point dispenses and odometers pontoon bridges pistons pulleys parchment prisms puppets dollies shock absorbers straps and maps we will know such brainy chaps anchors chewing gum the list does never cease top of the dice do we have to ask again did they come from spain no they came from greece our guest today had a series of major wars named after him he was a general an emperor he is still the most famous frenchman in history please welcome napoleon bonaparte napoleon this is your reign grazie ma grazie grazie wait till i tell my family about this they go crazy how crazy they go you're the french emperor napoleon oh see you see i am napoleon i'm the big chief your accent you sound kind of italian oh well no see you notice that you're a smart boy we get on good maybe we go for some pizza maybe some pasta you like at the pasta i was expecting you to be french now cece i get that all the time i'm from corsica in it it's candy near france kinda near italy well whatever your achievements are beyond question as a general you defeated the spanish the venetians the prussians the russians the austrians just to name a few so it's not surprising that so many important people wanted to join us tonight so please welcome the king of holland [Applause] [Music] what are you talking about all right so thinking that hey hank hang on hang on you're supposed to be dutch how come you've got the same accent as him he's my brother in it i conquered the countries and give him the crown it's a birthday present i can't buy him socks anymore he's got the wool allergy okay okay okay let's bring out some more guests because this isn't a family reunion show so please can we welcome the king of spain the prince of panino the queen of naples the prince of westphalia [Applause] what's going on oh no these are all my brothers and sisters in it i conquer all the countries so i give it to my family this empire is a family business all right all right look our last guest certainly isn't a family member so no surprise on the accent here please welcome the greatest english general of his day the duke of wellington top of the morning to you and the fine day it is so and if it's not may i be sent straight to hell to live with all the little nasty leprechauns down there or my name's not arthur wellesley the duke of wellington you're irish right so born and bred on the emerald oil philly so let me get it straight england's great general is actually irish and france's great emperor is actually corsican see you napoleon bonaparte this is your very confusing rain oh grad see grad secrets and take your hand out your jacket you look silly okay you asking for it i was holding up my trousers when i blub [Music] [Laughter] now napoleon did always go round with his hands in his jacket but it wasn't to hold up his trousers no it was to massage his stomach because he had crippling stomach pain probably because someone had tried to poison him with arsenic well under that or he'd eaten a dodgy snail savage stone age stone age romance was a funny old business historians reckon all these rituals were real stone age ways to find love [Music] i'm just a lonely cave girl searching for a mate looking for cave romance or at least a caveman date my mama says i must wait here until the moon is bright with cakes milk and honey as gifts for the gods for mr crawl rice three times on your hands and knees and if the face of a handsome man comes into view then please i think i must look really silly that caveman in his right mind would go for crawling circling cave girl like oh are you the man for me [Music] my handsome caveman husband is all i'd hoped he would be he likes to go out hunting then i cook it for his tea i promise to love him forever until he's old and gray he'll live to the grand age of 30 at which point he'll probably pass oh but that doesn't mean you stop loving him cause now you have to prepare a barrel to show how much you care for your cave back [Music] some oysters and snakes like the funeral [Music] to my cave man [Music] [Music] ancient sparta and the king has news for his daughter helen of troy daughter it is time to choose a husband from all the kings and princes of greece [Music] yeah whatever i'll have that one manila subsparta is chosen sweet as a nutmeat yes helen and menelaus were married the next week helen he was well fit your face could launch a thousand ships yeah what is that supposed to mean i think i've married an idiot [Music] but then another suitor turned up sorry i'm late yeah paris prince of troy i'm here for the husband choosing me it was too late yeah this ship has already sailed and it's mine captain menelaus wow that paris he is well fit men layers won't mind if i run away to troy with paris he'll forget about me in like new time but menelaus didn't forget about helen listen up yeah i want all us greek soldiers to march on troy you get me we're gonna tear that city up kill them all is it yeah it is meanwhile in troy whoops sorry started a war [Music] has bought a huge army to take you back to greece yeah he's surrounded troy we as going to war boys honestly the war lasts for 10 long years [Music] helen i've got well bad news paris is dead which one's he again my brother the prince that bloke you run off with you know the reason for this whole 10-year war oh yeah i remember all helen has to do to end the war and save hundreds of thousands of lives is go back to her husband menelaus what will she do cool who's well fit do you fancy getting married yeah if you like my name's dave phobos by the way whatever friends call me phobia totally care [Music] it was to be a short marriage all right menelaus what is up boo i destroyed troy paris is dead that one is dead as well and it's all because of you gail what you've got to say for yourself ah oh you're really fit when you're angry do you fancy getting back together again yeah what am i like when the romans were at war they sometimes used slaves to row their warships which were called galleys imagine what the conditions in that job must have been like good afternoon can i have your attention please i'd like to take this opportunity to welcome you slaves above this roman galley destined for carthage and i'd just like to go through a few safety procedures [Music] please ensure your chains are fastened at all times throughout the journey they do up like so and should be tightened until they are extremely painful lovely in the very likely event of an emergency and we are rammed by an enemy ship the emergency exits are here here and here but they are just for us romans and to help speed up our evacuation please ensure that all your possessions have already been stolen by the roman army and as the ship sinks slowly beneath the waves please tug desperately at your chains like so [Music] it just remains for me to thank you for choosing to travel with the roman navy not that you had any choice and i hope you have a very enjoyable voyage excuse me miss what where's the toilets we're just girl you're sitting at least there's no cues a mate less chat and more rowing yes most difficult decision most difficult oh dear sir yes no tail coffee you're right sir that is difficult that's not the decision you fool isn't it sir no we face a much more difficult decision than that gentlemen we are facing a great war war yes war why why war because an austrian has been killed by a serb in bosnia and that means war all right sir yes mel travis why does an austrian being killed by a serb in bosnia mean war sir because of russia ah why because russia supports serbia and austria supports bosnia and so on i support arsenal shut up blankenstop so an austrian has been killed by a serbian in bosnia which means austria might invade serbia and then russia will invade austria correct any questions yes sir what is it mel travers how does this involve britain sir well now travis who would you say is your best friend oh we're blinking soft sir he's a spiffing fellow and if i were to punch blankenstop in the nose what do you think he would do well nobody punches blinkinstop and gets away with it thanks old bean exactly exactly so if russia threatens austria austria's best friend will offer support and who is austria's best friend not blinking no germany germany is austria's best friend mal travels austria and germany is sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g yes sir if russia were to attack austria germany would attack russia but that will leave germany undefended on the other side so if germany were to attack russia she would also have to attack france france yes france and if germany were to attack france it would leave belgium threatened and belgium is our friend so we would hop in there to defend them so we've all got to go and fight in a war because of that sir yes mel travers well i might get killed sir yes you might melt traverse but it would all be for a good cause so where is bosnia again my loyal generals you have all served me well thanks to your ceaseless warring and general nastiness i caligula now ruled an empire of unimaginable skin yes however there is one valiant foe that we have yet to conquer do you speak of the mighty tribes in the untamed lands of the east my lead no mean you then the savage celts of the frozen waste of the north nah well then who would you have us fight sire poseidon [Laughter] you're serious yes okay but poseidon is god of the sea he's likely to be quite big bigger than me no no no no big is the wrong word what we meant was more um goddess but that's the whole point i mean any old emperor can defeat the carthaginians but it takes a special kind of emperor to take on a god just think of the history books oh do you remember that caligula oh yes wasn't he the one that took on that guard no one's going to forget that in a hurry um that may be true sire but the problem is in order to go to war with poseidon one would have to get hold of him but that's easy he lives in the sea that's where we should look for him yeah but isn't the sea quite big bigger than me no no no no no that was the wrong word uh i meant more um deep yes and wet you know it might be just a bit tricky to to track him down yes well i've thought about that we line up every ship in the navy side by side stretching out into the sea then we march the entire roman army across the ships and when they reach the end they all throw their spears into the ocean [Music] that'll show him who's boss yeah my only fear with that plan is that to the untrained eye that might look a bit like thousands of men throwing sticks in the sea for no good reason are you saying i'm wrong no no no no no i think it's a brilliant idea tomorrow we go to war with the sea [Music] hail caligula ah so how did it go well we didn't get poseidon but we did get some of his soldiers think you're bigger than me gorgeous georgians in georgian times britain developed the strongest navy in the world but they needed lots of people to man all the ships these days i'm a successful georgian sailor working in the royal navy but not so long ago i was a lazy no good drunken lowlife a bit like this lad hello you're my best mate my story could be your story too would you like the chance to sail the seven seas get whipped whenever the captain feels like it have your injured limb hacked off with a saw by a drunk doctor or eat biscuits teaming with creepy cawleys no well tough this is the 1700s so we'll just wait until you're too drunk to stand then one of our press gangs will kidnap you and take you on board what's going on about you you're silver the georgian royal navy bravely defending britain's empire with some people found lying on the floor of the local tavern and i'm a knight we fight by day and when it's not so bright we're not so bright we like to beat and chop and stab our wicked enemy but all the time we try to stick to rules of chivalry rule one we have to do brave deeds for some great lady fire i'd write poems i would joust well i would fight a bear well maybe a teddy bear oh i can't i'm a knight i'm a knight and i'm a knight and our only aim in life is to fight i'm a knight i'm a knight and i'm a knight we charge ahead but never left or right we're never right rule two we have to practice in the noble art of war battle for our king and country that's what knights are for and if there is no war to fight to hunting we will go we hunt for deer and rabbits too so long as they are slow otherwise we can't catch them i'm a knight i'm a knight and i'm a knight and our only aim in life is to fight i'm a knight i'm a knight and i'm a knight we are fighters and our armour's always tight and these swords of light rule three in war we aim to capture other knights alive their families pay us lots of dosh so long as they survive we act like gentlemen and only fight with other gyms a real knight he would never fight against peasants anyway peasants pong [Music] [Music] [Music] terrible tudors henry viii really was a terrible tudor if he didn't like you he'd have your head chopped off he even beheaded two of his wives in this week's issue of oh yay magazine henry viii's latest wedding we asked will catherine parker the distance or are we heading for another behemoth plus henry viii tells him his heartbreak at the anne of cleves divorce i chucked her because she was a minger and ann berlin's manky sixth finger revealed was it an abnormal extra finger or was it just a wart it's a wart all the ghosts all the pics on all the latest beheadings only in this week's oh yay henry just loved chopping off heads didn't do it himself mind he had trained executioners to do the dirty work i wonder how you get chosen for that job the axe factor it's a monday morning in tudor england and a batch of new recruits are about to see who's up to the challenge of landing their dream job chopping people's heads off i've been living the dream really well more of a nightmare i suppose my mum reckons i'd be really good at this job got all the right qualities and what does your dad think i don't know i chucked his head off i mean some people say you know this isn't a job for a woman but to be honest you know you're wearing a mask so who's gonna know it's not just about chopping people's heads off there's all sorts of skills required in the job there's hanging people dropping people in boiling oil chopping the limbs off and then of course you got the slitting people open watching the stomachs fall out right you're out oh please sir i've got so much more to give but i didn't even mention pulling people's lungs out why watch me shoes famous the remaining recruits are set to their first task which is to lift the axe so what makes you think you can do this job sonny i like the uniform and i just want to be independent you know stand on my own two feet one foot right listen very carefully the type of noose used in a public execution varies according to the time of day the execution is to be carried out this is the seven o'clock noose this is the nine o'clock noose and this is the noose at 10 and this is the person that wrote that joke now what makes you think you should be given the job well i've got the axe and you haven't good point welcome to the tower [Music] the past is no longer a mystery hope you enjoyed horrible history

Channel: Horrible Histories

Views: 15,176

Rating: 4.9264708 out of 5

Keywords: horrible histories, horrible histories full episodes, horrible histories movie, horrible histories trailer, horrible histories tv show, horrible histories episodes, horrible history, cbbc, horrible histories episodes in english, horrible histories songs, cbbc history, rotten romans, terrible tudors, slimy stuarts, vicious vikings, awful egyptians, history for kids, tv show for kids

Id: A8AuZFaeNVw

Length: 30min 53sec (1853 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 23 2020