Monday Morning Podcast 12-20-21 w. JIM GAFFIGAN (Part 1)

hey what's going on it's bill burr i'm out here on the road and uh this week's monday morning podcast i actually recorded a few weeks ago with uh the great jim gaffigan and uh we were only supposed to do a half hour it was supposed to be a thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast um and i don't know what happened we started talking we talked comedy we talked life and then somewhere about a half about halfway through it we just started [ __ ] on each other and had a great time just trashing each other and somehow it ended up being like an hour and a half long so guess what it's now a [ __ ] two-parter sorry i did five shows and i'm getting over a cold no i don't have covid and yes i think the world is round all right or is this the [ __ ] robot deep state version of me you don't know do you um so anyway uh this is going to be the first half's going to be on monday this is the monday morning podcast that you're about ready to watch and then we got the uh the thursday afternoon which will be the second half or maybe it's just audio i don't know we did it at atc i have no [ __ ] idea what's happening but he told me to record a video so it must be video all right that's it oh for all you colt fans congratulations all right you had a hell of a first half you know we gave you a [ __ ] field goal and uh but you know mac jones he threw two does the guy implode no he comes right back and he scares the [ __ ] out of you all of a sudden it's 20 to 17 you're like oh my god do we need to go weigh their cleats is this why they're coming back so i i love that we got humbled and i think uh you know that's i'd rather lose in december than in january because we all know what losing in january is like don't you indianapolis especially to the chargers at home sorry all right that's it everybody go [ __ ] yourselves uh merry christmas happy kwanzaa and also hanukkah and flat earth hey what's going on everybody uh it's bill burn it's time for the monday morning podcast and uh every once in a while i have a special guest on here and uh this is one of these days this is a gentleman from the midwest from a red state yes then i'm going to reach across my blue state be in massachusetts you are uh kentucky indiana you know what's so funny this is the whitest podcast this is ever this is like i mean we might we should be shooting this in charlottesville this is like this is like a meeting the three percenters would have the exact same podcast as there's nothing i actually think uh white supremacists would maybe leave their group if they watched like yeah they'd be like not that white yeah not that white they're like we we you know yeah every once in a while we like to listen to jackson five some of the before we kill somebody i mean by the way this lighting i i i'm not a vain man but this lighting's pretty i don't i'm not even this white yeah we decided we were gonna enhance it with some overhead nice track lighting yeah for the pigmentless what is what is your nationality background how far into northern europe are you i i it's the north pole no i'm i'm all irish what are you and uh yeah 99 point whatever irish in english i never did the 23 in meek just in case you're related to aaron burr i'm not i mean i have the same last name but i'm not unfortunately you have you done it no but i'm worried that there's a serial killer in my family and i just don't want a deal there i had a i had a relative that was on trial for murder oh yeah i mean yeah you go far enough back yeah you're gonna find one either someone went on trial or they did something so what so wait a minute so this navigation you don't i've never so like i'm german irish you're german irish yeah so like yeah that's what you know like when you introduce me you know indiana red state i'm like when i started touring i was shocked at how when i would go around and do boston radio how they all were like on they were big w fans and i'm like isn't massachusetts supposed to be lyra like massachusetts is the weirdest liberals they're liberal in that i think that they you know union [ __ ] state job yeah blah blah blah but everyone listen i mean i'm going back 27 years so i can't talk about massachusetts now because i don't know what it's like now but when i was there it had this weird thing where it was i can't even say super racist it was as racist as anywhere else is what i'm finding when i'm out there um we just had like uh the bussing thing so that it just glommed on to us right and they act like you know upstate new york is just welcoming everybody with open arms but the second you get into western massachusetts all these evil white people and i just having done the road and talking to people afterwards yeah i just reminded me of a gig i did a long time ago the first time i went into new york this guy i was head uh opening for wanted to go water skiing and it was right after labor day and everybody had put their boats away so he knew that there was going to be wives there so if he made them laugh he could talk him in so he was on just said man i love water skiing just kidding he was killing he just kept saying he loved water skiing so sure enough some wife took the bait and this guy took his boat out for us dragged us across the lake and he had a you know he had a great time we had a great time we go back to his place finger sandwiches and everything and he decides to tell a couple of jokes and it was just like wow whoa yeah where are we and she's going oh come on stop it it was just like you know uh two guys walking to a bar n-word and it was just something yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i mean two of those and then we kind of like we're like all right man is like being from the midwest like when i got to new york city everyone was like oh is your you know like i tell you to joke around it's like like if i would go back to indiana he was like how's everyone at the clan meeting you know like assuming that it was all but like it's everywhere yes it's really you know it's not like uh this is the white guilt of your own state podcast yeah no but we're not defending away it's everywhere man you know everybody's doing it but it is you know there's a great documentary called uh civil war that i woke up at like 4 a.m because i had like three kids my kids in my bed what if i had three kids in my bed yeah i had three kids i had met him earlier no um and so jesus juice and they uh but like it talks about how you know the north was all about freeing the slaves and then the slaves were freed and there was the great migration and the north was like wait a minute right dude i mean it changed the whole i think they were always like that and they just acted like my ex i actually have a theory that the reason why the people in the south whatever they're doing the tomahawk chop yeah and have no empathy is because northern whites have not shown them empathy since before the civil war always were acting like they were dumber and all of this type of stuff and to this day like talk show hosts can do monologue jokes about them [ __ ] their own sister and everybody's just sitting there laughing so they've always been treated as less than so i i feel like uh you know there's a big phony thing with northern whites acting like oh we're we're the good white people oh yeah yeah definitely that was i mean i know you're a piece of [ __ ] just like make you i'm very flawed i'm very fluent i'm very well you know but you have that easy speaking like i'm very flawed no well i think it's weird you know i've had people like friends peers be like well like they'll curse in front of me and they'll be like sorry to curse them for like i'm like i'm some evangelical like we're in a in a bible study class and that's why do you work clean i work relatively clean but it's not as if you know me or brian regan don't curse in everyday life it's just different styles of comedy right so i don't know just bringing that up that's all right so bill i curse my brains out you do because i don't i don't know how to write a joke so i have to scream my way through my act that's not true at all but no women so i can show you some tape let's talk about let's talk about um doing specials and when you're silicas we've discussed this before off the air you do it in two years two years i do one of y'all kind of like when i feel like uh i'm ready to do one yeah and um i think that that works out the best because if i was to look at like i remember when like when louis was putting him out every single year if i ever got caught up in that mindset that i have to be able to put him out as fast as he does uh like that i just knew that wouldn't work for me so i couldn't get like uh you know when you're a young comic you just said what what is this person doing what are they doing i need to be doing what all of these people that are successful are doing fortunately when he started doing that i was further enough in my career to be like you can see your perspective yeah like i can't i can't make an act work in a year i mean that that i can't do that i mean that's also like even when he was doing that uh he was also doing an entire television show it was unbelievable and writing and editing it like people don't realize it's like if you're touring doing stand-up uh even you know like you act too it's like if you do some acting projects that'll take you out of the mix for a month or two yeah but like if you're doing a show and you're you know it's just an insane problem so like that's like what louie was doing was kind of otherworldly but like yeah i do feel like that's why i'm saying so if i was to look i was just looking at the stand-up aspect to forget about yeah writing a whole season and doing all and making all those story arcs and everything work and dealing with net network notes and deadlines and then doing the press just for the friggin show and the fact that he was still knocking out these hours yeah i'm glad i also didn't add that because then i'd be like wow man i knew i sucked but jesus right right but i also think it's one of those things where um whatever like the norm keeps shifting like the norm was like you know leery did that one special and it was like boom and it was there was an expectation he never had to do another one i think he did do another one but locked and loaded but that one came out like four or five years later and that was fine and it was it wasn't hey man where's your neck because people do that where's your next one yeah when's your next so it's it shifts and it's it's it's shifting and also the streaming platform stuff changes constantly you know so and you've only done netflix yes you stay where daddy tells you to stay oh no i see i know where this is going i know where this is going i've had a great run in netflix no netflix look i'm back at netflix oh you are back yeah i thought you were still over there with your side check amazon no no look netflix is this is going to be a netflix smashing no no no i mean not at all why don't you come over to amazon no no no no no wait for that no it is uh that's not it at all it's it is interesting to see the different platforms but nobody can compete with netflix nobody it's like but that being said you know three years five years things can change yeah i mean i mean people used to laugh at netflix i remember when i first might i always tell the story when my first special got on netflix i had people say you can you might might have seen it special on netflix and people would snicker really because they were considered the the blockbuster that delivers right and and people hadn't caught on to what they were doing yet but every single like who would have thought when we started out in this business that nbc cbs and abc would be clamoring for eyeballs so everybody everybody has their run everybody has their run and you you just kind of you get in with whoever you fit in with and uh you save your money you stay away from the crack you know the crack you're trying to stay away from the crack you get eight hours of sleep try and get eight yeah are you a mapper uh you know what i i gave into naps in my early 30s and then i got away from them for the last 20 years i don't know why i remember when i was still living with bobby kelly yeah we'd be we had a railroad apartment and i would literally walk to the middle room between the roommates name who was on the lease and bobby slept in the living room and i would just go all right dude i'm going to lay down for a minute and he would do it too and he would be out there and then we'd wake up just like a half hour later yeah he was like dude you always call the naps bro you know you're calling the naps and it was just like and we go down to the cellar and we like have that extra energy so i'm trying to get back into that because i got back into therapy my therapist was talking to me she goes you look tired i was just like yeah well you got to peek at night yawning during your therapy that's not good damn are you getting sleep yeah no no i'm not how did you know it was the right therapist uh had you been with her before no i i've been through a number of them and they were all good but i was also killed all the other ones no i just i yeah you know i was in my what about bob years where i just i i wasn't like you know receptive to whatever was going to happen or what i you know so uh yeah i ended up taking some mushrooms that kind of i was like wow okay that's who i am figured out who i was and that was right when i started therapy again so then i kind of had this really big breakthrough thing and now i feel like it's kind of starting to slow down again oh that's interesting yeah so it just means i gotta take more drugs so it's the shrooms open what did you learn in the shrooms i i agree i kind of yeah well you're cool i'm just cutting it yeah yeah you're from the farmland from the farmlands but we don't have time to say [Laughter] um i i just i had a bad trip but it was a good trip because i kind of saw all of this stuff that everything was sitting on and at first i thought it was my current life i was like oh this goes all the way back to childhood i got to figure out what this is i need to be sober because i'd already quit drinking then i kind of replaced that with gummies and weed and [ __ ] yeah and then i was like so i mean i took that that little trip there and i didn't even smoke a cigar it was in february i didn't smoke a cigar until like may and i just went like i was like i just figured out who the [ __ ] i was for the first time i was 52 almost 53. so and when you say you figured out who you were why i do stand up why every good thing i did every bad thing i did every person that i heard what is that what is it what is it yeah i want to well all right i do stand up because it's literally the [ __ ] six-year-old me going if i go i'm gonna go into this room with all of these strangers i'm gonna make them laugh they're gonna like me and then no one's gonna hurt me that is literally all the way down to the to the brass tacks of who the [ __ ] i am it's i do this [ __ ] so you will like me and you won't hurt me yeah i mean so then there's the i made that i made the mistake of thinking that i was going to be get great as a comedian and then everything else in my life was going to fall into place and what ended up happening is my my mid 30s i i progressed as a comedian and everything else was at the starting line i mean i was sleeping on a futon i wasn't in a relationship no kids i had you know i had nothing going on but i had this one thing that i knew how to do because this was the only thing that i i worked on but i also you know i understood why i drank the way i did why i couldn't just have a drink you know why i had to [ __ ] rage why i have like this this lunacy in me so let me ask you this nature versus nurture are you a result of your upbringing your family or is it just kind of who you are uh mainly my upbringing and then i would say also it's a combination of both 65 35 oh no dude i would say yeah i don't want to get it you don't want to get it i mean it's a high number dude it's a [ __ ] high number because i'm kind of now like like now looking back on all of it and it's like the sort of the end of the usual suspects where the leg straightens out oh like oh what the [ __ ] like that was the coffee cup yeah i was being fed up like i believed it was this and now i realize it was that and it was [ __ ] mind-blowing mind-blowing i actually wrecked my car i sideswiped a [ __ ] mail truck where you were you were when you were on mushrooms no oh just the clarity of oh oh i mean i'm not going to get into this [ __ ] you know but like and then know the guy was parked on the side of the road i was driving like two miles an hour and they got those big [ __ ] honey of a ham bumpers that stick out yeah dude it caught my front quarter panel and just like [Music] down this side cost me like [ __ ] seven grand it was just everything two new doors the whole [ __ ] thing whatever i don't get into that but i know who i am and isn't it what talk about an incredible luxury i mean obviously there's the fulfillment of stand-up but like i believe independent of the work you've done that stand up the conversation you have with the audience it holds up a mirror like the you know you think that like what we say to an audience they're not they're laughing they're contributing by not laughing or laughing or booing or clapping but there's a lot of communication going on and i think comedians learn a lot about themselves from how an audience reacts whether it's in a small club or even in a big one you say something and it comes across right but it also has to be like how aware or open you are receptive you are but even then you're kind of like you're skimming the surface so like uh at least i was i'm probably superimposing who i was before all this this [ __ ] uh recent things that i did so um you know my whole thing was just trying to make people laugh have a good set and then get to the next level of the business it was really just sort of like then i do this and then i get at caroline's and i'm in new york and yeah you do this and then go out to la and get an agent but it was just all like uh yeah it was another thing i kind of learned that achieving isn't living like living is living yeah no i remember i uh finally got letterman and uh like i you know it was great and it had been a goal of mine from the beginning and i was but like there was part of me like oh well what do i do now like i like i didn't like that's all i wanted was to do a set on letterman you know sure it was good because when people were like people used to ask if you were a comedian have you been on letterman or tonight show and so but it is weird because you don't really think beyond these or i didn't think beyond these immediate goals which are kind of false it's like even it goes back to like the mentality of when you're in high school and you're like you know what i'm gonna i'm captain of the football team there you go did it yeah like you don't realize that that would be pretty awesome you don't realize that it's once you're out of high school it's irrelevant do i mean it's like i played sports all my life and then i you know but i mostly get cast as like victims you know i know but don't you but there's there's a thing though i think with like sports though is if you play organized sports there is something that you learn in there that really isn't talked about now because everything's just considered like so much of sports now is considered like male toxicity like how you learn how you know you learn your role where you fit in how to bring people up not be a negative force you learn to how to lose how to come back from losing um you learn how to lead how to learn you learn all of this amazing stuff and so i think being captain of the football team means you had some sort of leadership qualities i mean watch these [ __ ] hollywood movies and it's just me oh he's the best looking guy and he's a douche and he treats the cheerleader he's dating like [ __ ] i mean that's all written from nerds yeah who didn't play yeah for the most part i think um or you know never talk to the cheerleaders i mean they resent them so they just kind of create this like when we were growing up like they used to write shows about guys guys and then somewhere along the line it just became this making fun of guys guys which needed to be done because it really got ridiculous with a lot of those action movies and [ __ ] but like then it just kind of went to such a level that it's like wait but the guy's guy does exist yeah there is that guy who is just confident and better looking than you and tougher than you and is going to get a better looking girlfriend than you and you have to [ __ ] accept that it's he doesn't always have an underlying because he's a good athlete doesn't mean he's not smart yes do you mean like that's but some of that's john hughes like if that when they attacked john hughes cliches of like um you know the sexism they didn't address all these other things but um yeah no i think let me tell you the story so i brought my title i love john hughes yeah i i brought my 10 year old to a knicks game which was amazing i'd gone with my nine-year-old and um and we were we had great seats and um at one point and by the way this is you know ten-year-olds they're not great sports you know like when you play them like i'll play him in soccer and basketball and if he's winning by just one point he just starts giving me [ __ ] but we're at this basketball game and he was like he was like there's a lot of poor sports here and i'm like what do you mean he goes a lot of these people are just like you know because people are rooting for their team and kind of like giving [ __ ] and i was like wow i didn't even realize that so like along with that leadership but then again that's not my that's not my mo like defensive knicks fans they haven't won since 73 so but even you're gonna hear some heckles i remember i did a commercial for um this bank that had nomar and derek jeter and we shot in between a double header and then after we shot we went and watched this the second game and uh we were in a box seat and there was a guy in the you know like up in one of those fancy uh lounges yelling obscenities to the yankees this is back before boston had won right you know and he was standing next to a kid who was saying the same thing you know [ __ ] you yankees suck you know right and it was just so it's like they can't hear you like there's they also like they block it out like i actually think like an nba player if everyone was when they went to take a foul shot yeah like part of a foul shot is everybody screaming yelling and a mascot moonwalking along the baseline i think if everyone was just actually quiet and you would throw them yeah that would wrap because i think after a while every time you take a foul shot there's a bunch of people with those stupid yeah those things they just turn into a blur i know and also you know those things too they're made out of plastic and evidently all plastic [ __ ] lasts for like 800 to a thousand years yeah so just to try to rattle this guy for game 47 of the nba season those stupid things are gonna float in the ocean for a [ __ ] thousand years oh that was depressing sorry nature and nurture so you're i i believe like you i think nature or nurture works i think you can get a better eye sense of that if you have some sort of a more like less volatile childhood or time that you grew up in because i mean i don't resent you know the [ __ ] that happened when i was growing up it was a [ __ ] crazy time it was crazy it was a crazy time you know we were coming out of the 60s all of these people had gotten whacked i mean basically i think the statement of the 60s was do what we say or it doesn't matter black white male female you're going to get you know a convenient lone gunman is going to take you out uh vietnam war ended the gas shortage and all of that the [ __ ] rust bet everything was falling apart carter was a very interesting thing i mean yeah he's the only human being he's the only human being i feel like that's been president since and and i think the proof's in the pudding all these other [ __ ] [ __ ] what do they do they go off they do the speech tour and they buy a mansion on martha's vineyard this guy won a pulitzer prize because after after he was president he's still building homes for the homeless in the 90s this guy is truly a public servant those other guys they're eating [ __ ] you know lobster and steak every [ __ ] night i know because i've been on the internet yeah well i also i mean look i'd eat the lobster and steak too i can't eat lobster you can't i just don't like the why can't they kill them right before they put them in the pot do they have to boil them alive well i think it's illegal to boil them alive now in some states in some states to boil them alive is illegal it's illegal to do it they have to kill him first and i guarantee you that will be politicized i'm sure well i don't know what state it is kill your lobster first did you vote for hillary clinton during the room you're a trumpster well the we were sent uh some lobsters from made lobster something company and i did it with my two youngest and and they didn't you know put them in there and you hear them scream and and my my youngest was like like pissed at me for like a week because you do hear like yeah they say that they should say that's the air air coming out of the shell and it's like no it isn't no it's not oh god why [ __ ] humans are the worst we are the [ __ ] worst well as long as we don't but it's like you know i love a steak but you know i never look yeah but they [ __ ] kill the thing yeah they don't throw the cow or the steer on the [ __ ] in the background all right it's simply safe everybody you know if you ever wanted to make your home feel safer i need a safe space you guys there's no better time than now sorry i just woke up sorry about the sound of my voice all right you do five [ __ ] shows in indianapolis um this week my friends at simply safe are giving my listeners early access to all their holiday deals forty percent off their award-winning home security i love simply safe because it has everything you need to make your home safe indoor and outdoor cameras comprehensive sensors no feminists all monitored around the clock by trained professionals who set up who helped set it up the instant you needed simply safe was even named the best home security system of 2021 by u.s news and world report you can easily customize a system at your house online in minutes and even get free custom recommendations from simply safe these are simply safe's biggest discounts of the year you can get a complete 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brilliantly engineered made with premium grade 304 stainless steel whatever the hell that is sounds impressive it almost went around the whole way and a 360 degree airflow system that maximizes efficiency while minimizing the smoke that's the best right there no smoke in your face easy to light with a few bits of starter your fire is blazing in minutes perfectly portable take solo stove with you on camping trips and more let the grit the gifting begin solos shop solo stoves holiday sale for huge site-wide savings now through the end of the year and get ten dollars off with the promo code burr plus a lifetime warranty and a free free 30-day returns get an extra 10 off holiday deals at solostove.com promo code burr s-o-l-o-s-t-o dot com promo code burr but having said that you know like nature is so [ __ ] brutal like there was these two straight kittens that were coming into our yard and i couldn't coax them in they wouldn't trust so we leave out food and it took me three days and i'm starting to gain that trust and the sun went down i heard a horrific noise and i haven't heard seen him since and so that's probably like a coyote a coyote probably killed him or a raccoon or another [ __ ] cat and they don't give a [ __ ] how cute those things are all they see is vulnerability and it's just like and it's just been it's been [ __ ] me up the whole week going what could i have done to got the goddamn things in the house my wife's allergic to [ __ ] cats i was trying to get them to go downstairs i mean i got little kids they're not the clawed i don't know what's gonna happen i i have no [ __ ] idea and then i'm thinking who are the [ __ ] people that just let these things go i'm hoping maybe somebody in the neighborhood got him and then they just put a noisemaker there to make it sound like they were killed well dude i hear noise outside my house all the time i heard one night i think it was a coyote and a raccoon going at it and dude it was like it was [ __ ] it was like that the first ufc before was the ufc when you could punch in the balls and gouge eyes and stuff that's what it sounded like was going on outside just blood curdling and don't you do you have do you still have your dog no my my dog i gave away my dog right before my daughter was born because it was just aggressive and she ended up meeting my daughter and growled at my daughter so i was just like yeah so my dog uh my owner my owner my trainer took it i was still the owner uh it was a weird sort of setup there i was still the owner but he had it for like the last uh almost five years since she just passed away of uh congestive heart failure wow uh but you know i used to say that good run she had a great wrench 13 years a pit bull that's aggressive towards people that usually get put down within the first year a year and a half i would think this thing lasted for 13 years and um he's you know my trainer you know would send me all this great video lived out in arizona show me all this great video her rolling around the grass having a great time and when he would come out to l.a he'd always bring her and i'd see her so every month or two i get to take her on a hike and um you know but i i cried when we gave her away but like by then it was like five years had gone by and also when she growled at my daughter i knew i was like okay i made the uh yeah yeah right that's right decision yeah i still love that [ __ ] dog man yeah it's crazy they're just they don't complain they don't do anything they're just there they're ready to go you know pit bulls are awesome i mean we had a crazy one i mean it was literally like uh you know my trainer said you know this is one of these dogs nature said no to but some person said yes to because the thing was [ __ ] nuts it was nuts but i'm not down on the breed whatsoever because i i love those dogs i love pickles yeah uh but i you know it's like anything you know you get a lemon every once in a while yeah my whole i feel like my body's a lemon um do you do anything i i literally right before i came here i went to the heart doctor i've had it yeah yeah i've had a couple of buddies of mine you know diet heart attacks one guy was a little bigger another guy would just look like me and just had look at the widow maker i think yeah or something like that i don't know what so i've been going every year you know old dad i got to get my ticker checked out so i i do that and uh you know i try to keep my weight down and that type of [ __ ] i don't know well you know like the let's talk about the weight down like they're like i tour i don't care i'll i'll tell the name todd glass i i tour with thai glass i love tagline todd's one of the funniest cars he [ __ ] heats i tour with him we go out to dinner after the show he'll eat twice as much as me twice as much as me everybody works out no i work out too i work out you don't believe me at all i work out some i i worked all right look at like walking to the microphone no no oh my god this is when you know you don't work out when you take pictures of yourself no this is an instagram i'm not taking pictures i'm showing you that this all right that's all right look at this look at this hold on oh wait he has some sort of app out here look at this that is graphing something okay these are look at these what are those these are my fitness rings how many are closed all of them what has closed me close means that what does it mean 76 minutes exercising 974. wait but what does this thing actually watch you exercising you're just walking around no this is me exercising so look what are you doing elliptical yoga i mean look yeah but what how does this thing know if you just said i just did a half hour yoga time it measures your heart rate how does it know it measures your heart rate you don't believe me at all i don't think that you just [ __ ] worked out 200 days in a row no i don't i did i did i don't look it right you just [ __ ] said i did twice and both times you averted your eyes you go like i did i did i did i worked out well i can tell you dropped weight i'm not trying to bring no no i'm not trying to bring it down or nothing like no but i'm just saying that like their [ __ ] act is about how you just like eating cookies yeah i know but like no but like half of why did i just tell you what your acts about oh is that what it's about bill sorry i'm on i don't know but like the uh but my point is and i'm not saying i have a condition where i gain weight i'm not talking i have big bones i'm not saying that but i am saying that some people you got that farmer built no but yeah that's the thing is that some people like like was your dad fat was your mom fat no genetically you're thin are you asking me that yes oh yeah no you don't even know what you're talking about i don't i have to i have to [ __ ] eat borderline i'm 53 i get borderline perfectly and work out and i still gain like five [ __ ] i go to the gym ten days in a row have one douche of a day and i'll gain like three [ __ ] pounds it's brutal yeah so yeah so i work on it so don't [ __ ] you you [ __ ] all you baby guys angry about you [ __ ] big bone guys um i'm not angry about it no i'm not really angry about this it's about that [ __ ] from before so i'm already idling at an eight it is listen yeah all of you guys do that [ __ ] what's that you guys who are out of shape see someone who's in better shape and go oh dude yeah you can [ __ ] women do that i understand women say guys just think about losing weight and they lose weight that's actually like a catchphrase among women i understand that but what i'm saying is that i here i'm going to pull it up i'm going to pull it up here dude [ __ ] those nerd nerds all these things like oh look my watch said i took 10 minutes i said i did my watch said i did look at this look at those sneakers you don't work out what what [ __ ] look at this i i got these for my special i didn't buy these geez like by the way i don't buy clothes i still got this [ __ ] thing going on no but all right let me ask you this your your mom and dad thin or not uh no my dad's not then no your dad was all right so when you worked in his office thin or not so when he was in his 50s no no he was one of those guys who was thin and then then metabolism catches up catches up and then he wasn't then i just but this whole idea that you're just oh you're just real thin in your 50s and you can [ __ ] eat moon pies it's it's not true there's there's some people like i have a friend who i went to college with who's like this big she's i mean she's asian but like she eats like [ __ ] boatloads you don't buy it simple math dude you gotta eat you can see but wait a minute you consume more calories than you i'm not saying some people's idol is higher but this idea that there's people out there that well into their 50s and 60s can be eaten five six thousand calories and still eat like they're a sophomore in college and aren't fast i don't disagree with that at all but are you saying i don't know what you're saying are you saying that like rob lowe doesn't have a genetic advantage now what are we talking about i'm talking about like women he's comparing he's like 80 years old and he looks like he's 30. when we were little kids rob lowe was like 40. robin i was a god no but that's my point my point is right it's not you know something i think and god cried with him yeah well he slapped us together he actually tried with rob that's what i'm saying takes care of rob lowe like like a classic car do you think rob lowe is like sleeping in uh oxygen tanks every night no he hasn't he works his ass off i don't know i i think he does i think you're a hater no i'm not a hater you're a child i'm a gym hater jim hater don't know jim gaffigan jim hayden i'm not well look the point is is like also there's a difference between like uh i bet he has all of his meals like like he knows what he's going to eat and they come in those little glass uh tupperware things and he sits and somebody brings them and then he eats you know like it's like but here's the thing that's what i would think so do you like look there's a difference between like like tom brady like you know there's a rumor that he he doesn't eat bread or he hasn't eaten bread in like a decade or whatever and it's like the whole cheat meal thing like there is the difference between like so do you most people when they do a cheat meal they do the whole day they they go oh this is my cheat day it's not a cheat day it's a cheat meal and so do you do that do you have a trainer no it's harder to eat healthy when you have little kids right and that they're having uh their meal and you're like sitting there going here finish your yeah and then you don't want to throw out the food yeah i have that like my kids they like pancakes and waffles they would eat that literally every single day they get excited they're rocking back and forth and i'm literally doing the cosby bit dad is great yeah chocolate cake and i just do it and then when they don't finish something do you like this you know i'm like i'm not throwing this out so then you know but um but there's times when you have more discipline than others yeah right right now i'm in a disciplined time because i i've just i've had it with myself so i gotta i gotta drop these these you know i put on like 20 during covert so i'm trying to take off i'm i got like another 10 i got to take off and do you run no god no why would you do that i mean i would i don't know i would run if someone was chasing me but i'm not going to wear out my knees before the axe murderer gets there i don't understand my knees don't even work anymore by the way but i think some of that is look i talked to rogan during the pandemic uh because i no i talked to him and i said i texted with him i'm like look i want to lose weight and he said cut out sugar cut out bread and i did lose weight and so and by the way you cut out sugar you cut out bread it's like your joints hurt less but after a while you're like what am i living for do you know what i mean you're family you know yeah but yeah i mean i gotta be honest with you when i cut out sugar yeah when i look at desserts it doesn't even look like it's edible it looks like clown food like something like clowns would eat and they'd never have to put makeup on like just with all of the wild colors the creams and all of that [ __ ] it just looks it looks stupid to me um and by the way i think it's you know this is totally a cop out and an excuse but i feel like when you're traveling when you're touring i find it harder to eat healthy too because it's like if you're going out to eat first of all we know every restaurant you know a key ingredient is butter and everything but so you can eat healthy don't you find it depressing you're like oh you know what uh after my show i'm gonna go and have this tupperware in my hotel room like how do you unwant you have a cigar and you have a meal right um no i i find the frustrating thing about touring is that you always have to be on like the first flight out because it's like this is a show day what if something happens it's like they have forecasts yeah and if it's [ __ ] clear i can leave it and it just doesn't happen you gotta [ __ ] get up at the [ __ ] crack of dawn and then what happens is then you run down you just did a show you were wired from the show you couldn't go to sleep and then you got to wake up at six in the morning to get to the [ __ ] airport and then what i've learned is when i land i'm gonna work out if i do that i'm already so run down breathing all this [ __ ] in i'm gonna go down to the gym hotel gym and i'm gonna get sick so then what happens is i don't do it and then i'm missing my kids and i'm frustrated that's usually when i'll order the burger yeah so um but i mean yeah so i think we're agreeing on a lot of stuff but i'm not agreeing with like this whole you know this this whole thing i know this guy there's this guy no yeah all right the guy eats [ __ ] bison and he doesn't i'm not under the bus i mean he's a beloved comedian he's beloved by everyone he's i love him and but like what i would say is that look there there are different bodies your body type you could get absolutely [ __ ] jacked [ __ ] yolked look at you dude you got those farmers you were throwing bales of hay at three years of age out there in indiana dude you could get no you look like you know what you look like you look one of those [ __ ] guys on the strong man things you see on espn yeah those guys are all from like pharaoh islands cons or whatever yeah no i uh no i i'm just saying that there is you know we were talking about the hard thing your knees all taped up with those big pasty thighs picking up those [ __ ] rocks you see all those big round balls that they set down wheeler i love it you're one of the strongest guys in the world and now we're gonna destroy your body pull this tree it's like what's so fascinating is they're all from the faroe islands they're from iceland and the faroe islands it's like nothing to do with these places so they lift weights but my point is that there are differences you know there are differences i'm not saying that like people that eat unhealthy aren't going to gain weight i'm not saying that like if i if i ate like i ate when during the lockdown i would be much thinner you know what i mean but i'm just saying that like you know there are people that have different metabolisms i'm not saying that i don't eat unhealthy all right that's right but if you just said that in the beginning yeah rather than throwing the great todd glass under the i'm not saying i don't know this guy can find anything he can it's it's he can't believe me he can not without working out you just you have to and not at his age you can't it's i'm telling you i i bet you can't handle todd glass's workout i bet you couldn't handle it that's obviously not true like i mean you know like yeah i can totally handle his workout you're talking about ty glass's workout like it's like like it's like he's a ufc fighter you can't handle the toddler he's eating but i'm going off of your information he's eating the way you're saying he's eating well this guy [ __ ] he goes to steak and shake he [ __ ] he'd say if he's doing that and he's in the shape he's in that [ __ ] guy works out like an animal at his age i well i know for a fact he does the elliptical and it's you know what what's wrong with the elliptical there it is what he works out yeah okay and he also i bet doesn't eat anything maybe he's on the road he says [ __ ] it i'll eat like an animal but i bet when he eats clean when he's in la you with your myths it's all about superstition you know that's i have this theory that most comedians i was thinking you know when i [ __ ] up in high school i never said to smart kids just like dude you don't even have to study i mean you just look at a book and you know everything in it like that's what out of shape people do to in-shape people oh yeah yeah no that's i remember they don't want to hear that you actually have to work well by the way i say that to my kids you're terrible people you know like uh like all those kids at school that say they don't study they're lying you know right they're just as dumb as you are son no that it because that is the it's just like you know you do it you go into a uh you know it's kind of like comedy it's when you see someone do a show it it gives the appearance that they're just making it up but of course we know that there's work that goes into that right do you know what i mean well there is also catching a zone and going off there are those things you know you tap into the rage some people are born with it but it's all about the work what if i do this you don't even have to you mean you just walk on stage and people start laughing i mean you don't have to work at it that's a nonsense you just you have like this high comedy metabolism high carbohydrate mental symbolism the jokes just they just hit the page it all works they write themselves so what um so is all things comedy is this what is the um i mean i i you know i love it you're looking at me like i'm gonna [ __ ] on it i'm not no no i just i've never understood the confusion about it was a podcast network that now turned into a production company ah yeah well i don't know it's pretty straightforward we've seen the shows it's been in the trades yeah and acting like you know i'm not see you assuming i i know you got you know nominated for a [ __ ] cable ace award i knew that cable ace award man remember those yeah yeah it's crazy that was that was the that was the basic cable emmy because the emmys would not acknowledge cable and now the i always like how they do that like how like you know those award shows they act like whatever the new platform is gets treated like the latest immigrants to the country they just get shunned yeah you you're not real television this is real television i love it when there's shows that are completely ignored by uh shows movies everything like the the they miss the whole thing and then they're embraced as brilliant like the wire like the wire never cleaned up at those uh awards things or like when they they just keep not giving somebody an award and then in the end they give me their a lifetime achievement award yeah yeah or they give an award for a movie that wasn't nearly as good as their previous work yeah yeah and it's just like i mean that's one of those things why i sit there and i watch people like [ __ ] about not getting an award and you just look at like i'm trying to think of somebody like say mark martin scorsese yeah how many [ __ ] movies did that guy have to put out before they finally gave it to him for the departed but he doesn't win it for a raging bull he doesn't win if a taxi driver he doesn't win it for [ __ ] uh uh uh goodfellas the casino you know i i just it's just there's only one trophy well i think it's funny that adults get upset that they're not winning a trophy there's just something so [ __ ] hilarious about that like especially if you were like nominated there's just something funny and you're going to go there all up and like somebody else wants it well it's also intellectually you know that it's you know comparing whether it's different movies or different shows is an absurd task like you can't compare this show to that show and say which one was better yeah you know like the you know like that that's not it's like which one did you like better so if someone enjoys the sopranos you don't need an award but you do see like i understand it for writers though i learned that doing efforts for family as always is if you get nominated and nominated just nominated or won then that can up your fee you know like i am i don't understand emmy nominated emily so then it's like i understood it but as far as just like the individual you know going up there being upset it's just [ __ ] it's just there's something hilarious about it you know i understand like racially if they just cut out your whole race i get those people but white people i guess basically being like this you know but it is i can't believe that they charged this over my they said dude but you were there i tried to do a joke about how cares um how like uh like if you look at most award shows they're good look they're all good-looking people too they're all very attractive they should be and here's no but here's how good how here's how i'm a big fan of good-looking people and then but here's treated better but the the good-looking people here's how consistently good-looking people win awards when a normal-looking person wins an award you kind of think wow they must be really talented because there's such a standard for attractive people winning awards it's like best i never think that you never think that no i i usually probably saw what they're nominated for if i'm sitting there watching it and i'll be like yeah oh maybe i thought the other person should have won or whatever but i got to be honest with you i kind of miss good-looking people what do you mean miss them uh you know they're they're getting rid of them what are you talking about they're putting regular people on billboards why don't you watch british television shows there's no comparison they [ __ ] talk too fast and i can't understand what they're saying and i know i just don't like like i i'll watch like uh i watch the first couple episodes um first see couple seasons of peaky blinders and then my drinking went off the rails because everybody was just boozing on there and i was drinking a lot and so i kind of was like i could stop watching this [ __ ] i'll blame the tv show yeah that's that was the reason that was the number one because of close alcoholism uh me tv you want to quit drinking and smoking don't watch me tv what's me tv oh my god what me tv what is that it says [ __ ] it was it my entertainment i don't know it's all the legendary shows we grew up heroes and icons channel oh i don't dude if you want to watch like every episode of [ __ ] man you're retired how do you know about all these things well what am i gonna watch some [ __ ] the some [ __ ] show about a witch whenever everything was about vampires and dracula i just was like i'm too old for now tv and then it just all became like these [ __ ] superhero movies how many [ __ ] more can they do and they all have the same [ __ ] storyline either something radioactive happened to you or you got [ __ ] up as a kid or are you from another planet society doesn't understand you hell is [ __ ] oh my god it's the same [ __ ] story over and over again over and [ __ ] over again it is pretty amazing the and they have blown out every like i swear to god like has robin gotten his own movie yet that's like the only guy left oh i'm sure let's do a [ __ ] story on how he became the ward of uh bruce wayne that's what they should do and they should make him gay like everybody always thought was going on he already is gay all right so they make him gay and then you could at least [ __ ] do that you bring harvey malkin you sean penn plays brings back harvey milk he saves harvey milk he saves harvey miller like a tarantino thing change history instead of manson family succeeding they don't he saves harvey milk yeah i mean then he finally sets out they get married he [ __ ] sets out he gets away from [ __ ] batman that toxic relationship right because he had anger issues you know from when he was a kid right yeah you know i don't know that's a good [ __ ] movie that's you you pitched it you pitched it right here hey dude we should write it what what is it it's the superhero like i remember when i was a kid and star wars came out and i was kind of like all right this is this is uh you know i liked it but i didn't you know like i had friends that were like crazy i had friends that were crazy about the rock band kids i was like go at it go have fun yeah and and then um but now it's just it's not even a generation it's generation upon generation of like you know i took my kids to star wars movies every christmas for like five years straight it's just there's it's not just the superheroes it is like this uh it's you know it's weird there's a great book about how he's trying to make your kid cry or scare the [ __ ] out of him well they kill like main character how old my daughter's like crying i'm like it's just a movie it's they killed han solo dude i mean when we saw et when that [ __ ] thing almost died yeah something happened in that i remember one of my siblings was [ __ ] bawling his eyes out i remember we made fun of him of course but that's how it was back then but i just remember now that i have like like i'm trying to think how old does my daughter have to be where i could take her to a rated g movie one of the parents at my daughter's school asked me he goes hey man i'm taking my daughter you want to come with me and i just couldn't make it i'm glad i didn't he goes oh my god he goes they showed some super sad cartoon before it was somebody dying and his kid was just balling and i'm like why do they [ __ ] do that or what they do is they'll come in there and they know that the movie's so young that there's a bunch of parents there and then they'll advertise the movie to try to get the parents to go there and they'll scare the [ __ ] [ __ ] out of your kids showing some like you know pg-13 rated r [ __ ] you know yeah maybe not rated r no yeah they wouldn't do that yeah i don't know i mean i just feel like it all comes back to todd glass and his metabolism it is it is ty glass's metabolism i gotta text him and let him know that i'm outing his uh metabolism yeah todd he says you don't have to you don't have to work at all he doesn't eat whatever you want steak and shake night after it's not steak and chicken it's a steak and then he has a shake it's different than the thing what sort of steakhouse do you go that actually has a shake there's only one place that does that that's no chick that's well i'm sure there's more than one it's not like the only place that has a steak name another place where you can get off you can get a chocolate malt after a rib eye um look at you you missed a food guy stumped you this is like stumping the swami on the uh [ __ ] espn back in the day the swami swamy or you'd see what's his face on that metal show eddie trunk yeah there was any eddie trunk of food yeah no i can't there's got to be something but like i'm talking about like a steakhouse steakhouse yeah steakhouse steakhouse where they got all these bourbons and then all somebody in the corner is making a shake at the bucket no i'm sure on dessert they have some decadent thing you know you ever get no this is what you're doing now you're [ __ ] you're expanding what you just said you just said this that's not the only place that does it and i said it i always whenever i talk to you i feel like i'm talking to a lawyer it's just like lawful and i mean because then when it makes it seem ridiculous that five minutes ago i disagreed with you when you smooth everything out you know i don't know it takes me that back to remember that one of my favorite paul ryzer jokes somebody's telling you a story and they go hey you know correct me if i'm wrong because correct me for wrong i wasn't even there how about you come back when you know what the [ __ ] you're talking about that's funny that's funny it is funny it is funny comedy's funny paul reiser i saw him tape a special in new york when i ran i think i i don't think i had even tried stand up and he came up during that time when if you actually got a sitcom on the air you weren't sad when he had and got that the 100th episode that's what everybody was going for and it was like there was that weird thing where you know that is flipped where you stopped doing comedy because you were making so much money doing tv yeah and now it's like you know you go you do a tv show no now as a comedian it actually costs you money yeah it's crazy what's crazy is it's just as much work as it ever was to do a tv show it's just that this is what happens when everyone gets one i think um we were on a uh streaming service the other night i was was i was on uh i was watching the new south park have you seen what they got no no oh it's like posted the christmas one it's the one where the kids are all grown it's post coven and what happened dude it's pretty dark man it's pretty crazy so i was just kind of going through all of those things and i well this one streaming thing there was just so many good shows it was just overwhelming and what always happens i just shut it off and then i just go and i'll watch like jack lord on hawaii 5-0 or i'll watch uh you know robert stack the untouchables no there's a lot of shows jack in the fat man what about rockford files did you ever watch that i loved the rockford files right and i never realized how [ __ ] up his personal life was he lived in a mobile home mobile home like down on the beach i always thought it was a cool house yeah no it was a mobile home he had a cool car didn't he yeah he couldn't he couldn't like no he didn't he actually had a station wagon no he had he had the the firebird uh a spirit i think it was so remember how like the with the with the camaro there was the z28 the berlinetta the rally sport and then i think there was a base model so like they all had the same body type but they all had different suspensions and engines so the z28 was the one that you wanted so with the firebird it was the trans am then the formula 400 and then the espirit i believe so this is kind of interesting because this is right before burt reynolds did um smoking the bandit and made that car iconic so when that thing was coming to series they wanted to give them uh the trans am with this the you know whatever they call it the [ __ ] flaming eagle on the uh and he goes no man this guy wouldn't drive that because he was going like this guy lives in a trailer home yeah yeah um and then they go all right what about if we give you the formula 400 which had the trans am i think the 6.6 liter in it it just didn't have all the decals but it still had the side scoops and the hood scoops so it still looked badass so he said all right get me the formula 400 and have it look like in a spirit so that's why it had the radial white wall tires wow and it had those rims on it and stuff but actually under the hood he had a badass engine there were a lot of guys you know like so there was uh who was jack klugman living on a boat he was an md um you know it was later on quincy there were a lot of these guys that were just like these like lone rang like solo guys just kind of you know they were having some fun but like they lived kind of a simple life that that probably had an impression on us that's why we're in comedy and we're in our i know but it's living by ourselves because quincy and and that's also writers in the writers room and i think they they would live vicariously through them like what if i didn't get married what if i was a badass and that type of stuff so they wrote all these [ __ ] these great guys and i think they just they created this standard of guy that nobody could live up to and then i think like the last 20 years has been about sort of tearing that guy down um i don't know and maybe i don't know maybe i don't like that they do that a lot of shows do that now because it makes me feel um makes me feel old or stupid because i used to watch i watched all of those action hero guys saw every one of those movies so it's funny i'm sitting here making fun of the [ __ ] marvel movies and all of that [ __ ] so what happened meanwhile what actually every [ __ ] one that came out every schwarzenegger okay every every chuck norris every sylvester stallone every muscle from brussels that guy every [ __ ] steven seagal uh i used to watch ones of people that they you know like guys who would get spit like guys would uh the guy played ivan drago i think he had a couple where they tried to make him a star in those things i watched all of every by the way he's super smart by the way i think he's like a genius oh he is all right i never thought he was stupid well you said he was stupid no but like i said every stupid movie i went out yeah oh no i was joking i didn't mean it like that um but he yeah those movies it's it's interesting so like there but like there was an ounce of reality that existed in the unbelievable uh aspect of rambo do i mean but like now they're just like they're like look don't he doesn't even have to be a vietnam vet he's just like a guy from another planet but we i just watched the last one i loved it it was just superman right or and uh well right now i want to i want to take back everything i said about marvel movies because now i realize that i was the marvel movies i was watching them growing up were all the action movies which if you really looked at them so many of them were like you know a lot of the [ __ ] that they still do today there's a guy he used x military people come in they [ __ ] with them don't realize they're [ __ ] with the wrong guy it's the yeah that what the [ __ ] that guy's name he does all of those he does like nine of those movies where it's just like if you [ __ ] with my family oh yeah yeah liam neeson i'm gonna [ __ ] kill you pick up the phone pick up the phone yeah i'm gonna wrap it up around your [ __ ] neck i don't wanna [ __ ] kill you but like the the thing about the marvel movies is that and i'm because i have kids i wouldn't have seen them but i have seen them is they are you know there's a lot of complex storyline i love the batman one it's still you know like a guy in tights but i know they're better than you had whatever i'm just a [ __ ] old guy bitching i will tell you i did see superman vs batman and i should have brought earplugs i mean i thought ac dc was quieter than that [ __ ] movie it was so [ __ ] loud and they just beat the [ __ ] out of each other destroyed a whole city and they literally there was like 100 skyscrapers and they threw each one another into like 98 of them wow and you know it's like did you ever see the 300 the chrysler 300 no it's it's a movie called the 300 i think it was called the 300. i think it was called 300 300 300 how old do we sound what did you see the 300 there was did you see the john elton concert well you were a fan of the star wars did you see the seinfeld my dad used to say that is she on that internet that internet that internet i don't know what about 300 300 i liked yeah see like it was interesting but i it was so kind of special effect-y i was kind of like when it comes to history i love history so i was like more history less less airbrushed abs yeah or just kind of like now there's a monster that comes out of the ground that you have to deal with

Channel: Bill Burr

Views: 1,043,875

Keywords: Bill burr, bill burr podcast, bill burr comedy, bill burr rant, bill burr ramble, monday morning podcast, mmpc, tammp, bill burr on, bill burr standup, jim gaffigan, bill burr jim gaffigan, jim gaffigan bill burr

Id: KF1saEzgayU

Length: 66min 55sec (4015 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 20 2021