"Fairs are SO DANGEROUS..." - Jim Gaffigan Stand up (Cinco)

summer time we went to a bunch of fairs too it's amazing how your perspective on fairs changes because as a kid you're like the fair there's a fair as an adult you're like that looks dangerous are they cooking in that truck we used to go to the fair to see the biggest pig in the county now we go to the fair to be the biggest pig in the county some of that food at ferris it's ridiculous deep-fried oreos okay deep-fried twinkies maybe deep-fried butter no you know occasionally you'll eat a stick of butter what if we deep-fried it no it's wrong i mean it's delicious but it's wrong there's no health inspector at the fair that's why they can do that because everything at the fair is very temporary meaning when the cops come they can leave some of those rides don't look safe i'll just i'll just let my kids go first no sense and it's all dying but you never want to be judgmental at the fair you're always like you know what i'm sure this ride's fine you know i'm sure i'm sure the guy running the ride he's probably a structural engineer we don't know that's probably how he lost his arm you know because inherently we're trusting we're very trusting of elevators we're like what is this a casket on a string let's hop on i don't know it works but if it shakes we'll giggle we giggle because we realize no one's driving the elevator we're like we're all gonna die should we press one of these buttons or climb through the trap door in the ceiling that leads to every bruce willis movie what do we do we also giggle because there's no talking on an elevator right you get on an empty elevator you and a friend and you're like i'll tell you later it's like a den of awkwardness you just stand there like are we supposed to kiss what are we doing it's very strange not as awkward as a stairwell you ever been an abandoned stairwell by yourself you encounter strangers coming the other way there's always that moment where you meet eyes you're like uh if you don't rape me i won't rape you what are you doing in this what am i doing in this are we in an episode of law and order but we volunteer for these awkward situations sometimes we pay to participate like water parks those are fun but there's always that moment where you're like is this a meeting of people i don't want to see in swimsuits because there are people walking around water parks with that confidence that they shouldn't have and you almost admire it you're like you go away from me you try and figure it out you're like is it the fumes from the toxic chemicals combined with the children's urine what gives you that swagger that would make beyonce blush but you don't want to be judgmental you're like you know what they're there for their kids i'm here for my kids and compared to them i look like magic mike so god bless them my three-year-old didn't get me a birthday present this year yeah and i've known him for a couple years so i'm not talking to him presents are interesting i don't really need or want anything i mean my life is pretty chaotic i have five kids you know and i have friends that love stuff i have a friend who has a drawer of watches i have another friend who has five cars whenever i'm with these people i realize i'm just simple all i need is a nice bed and a private jet yeah now i have the bed all i need is the jet and it could be a used jet i'm not a snob you know i mean i don't want a prop plane i'm not trash just a regular old private jet to take a regular old guy to a regular old private island away from his kids yeah i'm just salt of the earth i'm in everyone that's ridiculous this year has flown by i don't want to brag but i've kept my new year's resolution i've done it i've had pasta every day this year thank you hey i tell ya it wasn't easy it wasn't easy there were some nights when i was like oh my gosh it's 11 30. i haven't eaten pasta i have to wake my wife up and have her make me some yeah but i do it because it's about personal accountability by the way if you believe i would wake my wife up you're drunk all right because i'm afraid of her all right but i like being married to a strong woman i do and i'm sure there are other men in the audience looking at their wives like honey do you want me to clap or you know do you like what he's saying because i'm on your side i just don't want to talk about it later on i do like being married to a strong decisive woman but you know what i'm in charge of the remote control that's where i draw the line all right i'm in charge the remote cause i'm the man all right i mean she picks all the shows we watch but i get to hold the remote because that's the kind of puppet dictator that i am being in charge of remote control is a no-win situation anyway the person you're watching with is never satisfied they're like turn it up i can't hear it then you turn it up and the commercial comes on turn it down what's wrong with your hearing i'm always in trouble when we watch television stop crinkling that back once i got in trouble for sneezing why would you do that i think it's involuntary well now i didn't hear what that guy said all right i'll rewind it oh now it's starting the whole episode over here you should be in charge of the remote i'm gonna go back to hiding in the bathroom cause i'm a man i do love her she can be demanding like unrealistic demands like she wants me to lose weight i have no expectation of losing weight some of it is i used to have all these jokes on donuts and now sometimes when i do shows out of town people will give me boxes of donuts which makes me think i'm gonna start doing jokes about private jets but i'll do a show and someone will give me a box of donuts or i'll get to my hotel room and in my hotel room there'll be a box of donuts and i just look at the donuts like i'm not not gonna eat those i mean those were a gift what would jesus do he'd eat the donuts but it's always a box a dozen a dozen donuts i'm buying myself i'm typically in a city for one night what kind of monster pig do i come across as i might darner should we get gaff again enough for a baptist church whatever would feed an entire little league team that'll cover that tub of turds for a couple hours i don't know what to do with all the donuts here i'll eat two all right i'll eat four but i don't know what to do with the rest of them you know what do i put them in my rolly luggage i did that once i'm not proud of it we've all done things we're not proud of you're like this is kind of pathetic but here goes zip zip zip off to the airport we go of course that was the time i got the random search at the airport i made it through the metal detector this nice tsa guy was like sorry sir random search your bag and i was like what i wanted to say is i have drugs in my butt does a cavity search at that moment seemed less humiliating than revealing the true contents of my luggage but i had to do it so the tsa guy unzipped the bag and it was one of those flat boxes of donuts you're like krispy kreme so it took up the entire rolly bag it looked like i was smuggling donuts and the tsa guy just looked at me like wow they saw those here there's a dunkin donuts two gates away there was such compassion in his eyes you got a problem and i couldn't say anything i couldn't be like those aren't mine yeah some guy gave to me some guy named al al qaeda he gamed me adapted all cash right here like yeah this is my doughnuts i travel with donuts i'm trying to get diabetes won't you leave me alone and since it was a random search the actual box of donuts had to be open and because i was wheeling through the airport all the donuts were crammed and smushed to one end it looked like i had rummaged through a dumpster outside of a donut oh this one's so good just get these rocks and sticks out of here hi thanks for watching hit subscribe if you want if you want to see more stand up i have more stand up or if you want to see an original show like let's get cooking or the mike and pat show that's 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Channel: jimgaffigan

Views: 528,261

Rating: 4.9163938 out of 5

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Id: 5N--C_oSED4

Length: 10min 1sec (601 seconds)

Published: Fri Aug 14 2020