Father Of The Year (2019)

dad yeah I was just wondering if you had any advice for me going into the special you know any advice that's three be yourselves wondering if you have any advice for me [Music] every time this is not what's up to going well it's getting ready for special so you for sure I'm not gonna be able to make it to introduce me yeah do you have any advice for me let's say actually be funny on stage is always funny and you're super funny at home it's when he's trying to annoy me he doesn't do the same the same thing doesn't stick you fake a you're a hundred percent sure you won't be able to I'll be able to intro me huh all right but no I guess you're up man ladies and gentleman my dad Joshua [Applause] thank you very much for welcoming me into this amazing city Boise has been amazing you guys are so nice and so kind unless somebody says the word Boise and then you lose your [ __ ] minds but we're not going to do that tonight but thank you guys coming out and first before I get started I did want to address a few things somebody asked me backstage they said their couple older folks in here and do you change your material for the age of the people who are sitting in front of you no I want to tell you why to my grandmother not that notion out of me quick because the first time she saw me I was super nervous I didn't want to swear in front of her you know so she catches me backstage and she goes you you looking nervous I said I am I'm really nervous and she said why are you so nervous I said well I don't want to swear in front of you Nana and she said what word exactly do you not want to say I said well I don't want to say [ __ ] in front of you and she said sweetheart I had to [ __ ] for you to get here and I was like to the show Leonarda giving you a ride [ __ ] I need you in the side of the road like my grandson needs to work you know well here's thing with my grandparents and I will say this I learned a lot from them about family first of all they were so funny and they always infused humor into whatever we doing and they never used the word inappropriate if it was funny it was funny and I was like me I'm gonna do that and they also were all about family first that was a big thing I learned from my grandparents his family first and I think I really took that into my family with my kids you know my my youngest son he tells me everything everything he told me the first time he touched the boot he walks into my room super serious and he walks in he goes hey I said what's up he goes boomer I said what's going on he goes no no no no no step outside now I'll tell you what I thought was happening what I thought was happening is I thought he hit that age that everyman hits where they look at their dad that first time and they think I won't beat the [ __ ] out of this dude but everybody looks down at least once like oh tell me to take out the trash again so we're walking outside I'm tightening up my shoe laces I'm like oh it's [ __ ] on okay here we go and I'm planning on just poking him in the neck once really hard to slow him down the [ __ ] you know cuz he's bigger than me I need to slow him down he's a big dude and we get outside and he goes touch the boob and I say yeah what do you think he goes whoa I'm definitely gonna try to do that again so but now he did try to fight me and I grew up with three older brothers we all wrestled or fought my dad at least once growing up anybody in here wrestle or fight their dad however you man held 12 not a lot of muscle tone on a 12 year old 12 huh how'd that go for you yeah you know what you learned early on as a young man is that your dad takes it way more seriously than you do you right because you're like I'm gonna mess with the old man he's like you're like what the [ __ ] yeah man I listen by the way I asked some dude last week I go how old are you and you fight your dad he goes thirty I was like holy Sh let's just beaten up an old man at that point in time right but you know what he said he goes yeah well it's the first time I thought I had a shot so and I'm not mad at him you going where you think you got your shot you know but I remember with my oldest brother the first time he decided he was gonna fight my dad right so me and my other two brothers are in my room we're all under the age of 10 I'm probably like six my oldest brother's called like 16 and he walks into the room super serious right he walks in he's like I'm fighting dad today and I'm six I'm like you find dad that's right a button dad you guys got my back and we were all like you guys you guys ready for some new rules like he goes what do you want I'm like you got it like oh he was riding with us up I thought there was gonna be a regime change everybody I needed to be on the right side of that [ __ ] you know he had us riled up I was grabbing pictures of my dad off the wall like we're downstairs following him he's like you guys ready like you guys got my back we got your back we get outside my dad's and the patio and he's smoking cigars you're sitting down my brother walks out and he goes we're fighting the old man my dad stands up videos okay now hindsight being what it is my dad's confidence should have been a bit of a red flag for my brother dude didn't even take the cigar out of his [ __ ] mouth he knew he wasn't getting hit you don't I mean like if you go to a fight and one of the guys has a cigar in his mouth that's the [ __ ] winner that's guys like I am confident as [ __ ] so my brother goes and let me tell you something and before he could get another word out of his [ __ ] mouth my dad kicked him in the nuts so he fell on the ground dad [ __ ] up to him he goes you know you shouldn't talk to your fight right and walk in the house like a [ __ ] gangster and we all want I'm not hanging outside with a loser I'm going to South Africa winner like I'm not stupid you know but he did try to fight me so I'm walking into the kitchen he's walking out and he leans his shoulder in the I know uh did you just lean your shoulder and he goes maybe you should watch where you're going I started laughing I go I'm sorry are you starting to fight with me and he goes yeah not that it's gonna be much of a fight and I was like all right man front lawn right now let's go and he goes no no not now like three weeks I'm like three who you [ __ ] rock me when you need three weeks you gotta turn some tires on really well he was I gotta go look up some videos online if I go now listen outwardly when he said three weeks I was mocking him but on the inside when he said three weeks I was like you because I'm at an age where I pull muscles and I bought muscles doing [ __ ] and I shouldn't pull a muscle doing like not too long ago I pulled a muscle in my right shoulder uh uh wiping my ass I went back to quick I didn't touch my core it's all core nowadays when I went back to quit and all my wife her but she walked by the door was oh no listen guys if I get a stretch before I [ __ ] you can kill me tonight do you know what it's like if you walk into the bathroom later and I'm like this and you're like what are you doing man I'm getting ready to prove like you can I don't need to come out of the bathroom you can kill me in there now you're still by the way you couldn't do what my dad did not this is this is definitely something you could not get away with now we have raised a different generation of kids you guys know that right we have raised a generation of spoiled entitled [ __ ] you understand that we can clap all you want but you know whose fault it is themselves guys it's our fault and we've coddled them to the point or that it's ridiculous do you know that in a lot of states in our great country they've outlawed dodgeball do you know why because they say humiliates the children Rab applause by the way that's ironically why we played the [ __ ] game to begin with right whoo we made you cry today right right applause people remember playing dodgeball on the tables a place of dodgeball who would place a dive bar because we all have that sharing experience right everybody in here remember what that red rubber it tastes like on your lips right hit and your eyes are water and your nose starts to run you try to get off the court nine other balls hit you and your lady [ __ ] [Applause] they'll never have that experience really so I called my dad on the phone I know my son wants to fight me I call him on the phone I'm like hey man we all fought you right he goes young and I said I seem to remember you being a little more violent than you need it to be and he said no yeah you remember correctly and I said why why why why and he goes with listen man he wants to win right I said yeah he said you have to win you have to win because if you don't win the power changes at your house and then you try telling him to take out the trash tomorrow he's gonna slap you in the face and be like you take the trash out [ __ ] don't make me [ __ ] you up again and I was like oh my god he said this is how and then he said something by the way that I will never forget I go I have to win he said Josh even if somebody ends up calling the police you have to win it and I was like oh now listen I'm not a violent dude my dad was more adept at that and now I did have three older brothers so I am really good at mental torture so I was like that's kind of where I'll lean on so I hang up the phone and I turn around and my wife is there and she looks right at me she goes are you fighting Jacob and I said no no I'm not gonna fight him it's gonna be something weird yourself in the front law it's not gonna be like a fight and she said why why don't you just tell him that you're the grown-up and he's the kid and that's it he does what you say and I'm like nah I said that's not gonna work and she said why I said I'm not sure if you were there but he basically slapped me in the face with his dick in the kitchen like there's only one response she goes I don't like it I said I'm not saying it's the right response I'm just saying it's the only one that I know do you know and she said I don't think this is a good idea and then I maybe got a little too cocky and I said I'll let you know when I have a bad idea and she was like oh okay you're gonna let me know and I said yeah and she goes oh okay now listen you don't have these problems with daughters like I don't have that problem like what daughter's challenged me to a fight the only problem I ever had with my daughter is that she's been smarter than me she's she was six and like at the time when we're sitting in our living room I didn't understand a word that was coming out of her mouth like we need my living room I be like what's up baby she's like oh my god [Laughter] oh my god am I gonna date it's like having a [ __ ] dolphin in my living room right she tells me everything - she came home one day she was like oh my god that he can tell you something so important oh my god okay that time I get that he okay today oh my god oh my god am I good today my good buddy Chris tried to kiss me and I was like oh my god so what happened baby she said oh my god Eddie I told him I wasn't sure if I was allowed to do that I had to go home and ask my daddy and I said you know babe thank you very much for asking look I know you're a teenager and your hormones are running crazy and and you don't know what do you know you it's hard a hard time you know and the hormones are up and they're down and look I know it's a hard time and I'm not got to tell you what to do with what not to do cuz I don't think that's my job as your father my job as your father is just to tell you what I know and what I know is is that God doesn't let little hookers into heaven [Applause] do whatever you want to do that information bad she's hanging around teenage boys boys of a single biggest predator that walked this planet earth they're not in control of what's happening here it's not there any man that any guy in here will tell you things used to pop up all the time for no apparent reason and it was confusing to us I remember sitting in math class like and the teacher always thought I was cheating I was just checking to see if anybody else was hard I'm like I guess nobody likes geometry as much as I do teacher was like mr. Wolfe you can leave math classes over no I can't picked a bad day to wear sweatpants is all I'm gonna tell you me and the chick who just gonna period for the first time we're gonna hang out here a little while you don't mind it terrible I'll tell you something my daughter man you learned really early on with her she is a ride-or-die person if you are on her team she is on your team for ever here's what I knew there was no snitch in her when I met my wife I was a single and I was raising three kids right and my deal she and I had both decided we were like look it's not important for her to meet the kids until we know we're gonna get married because neither one of us thought it was good for her to start a relationship with them until we knew it was a forever relationship for us right so she used to come over after the kids went to sleep and then she would go home so one night it's late and she says to me I don't I can't really drive home tonight I'm too tired and I was like well babe the first time the kids meet you can't be tomorrow morning in my bed that is not okay she said I know but I don't know what to do and I said would you want me to get you a car and then I'll get your car back here tomorrow and you can drive a car car home and she said I'm just so tired she said do you mind if I just sleep in your closet and I was like so let me just see if I got this right you're coming over and we're dinner we're gonna have sex and then you're gonna sleep in the closet she was like yeah and I go okay yeah but so she goes to sleep in the closet next morning I'm up and my deal with the kids was I make breakfast I make lunch you get yourselves dressed so my daughter runs in and I'm cooking breakfast and she goes daddy I can't find my shoes and I go babe you know I'm making breakfast I can't help you out and she goes hey I don't know where I looked everywhere and I said you didn't look everywhere go find the shoes so about three minutes later she runs in and she goes yeah I still can't find my shoes and there's a stranger sleeping in your closet and I go okay babe thank you I said I'll help you find your shoes and she goes okay I go just had a curiosity Katie there's a stranger sleeping in my closet that's the reaction I get and on our way out of the kitchen she goes it's your closet daddy I don't know what happens in your brother when I was like oh I'm gonna carry some body with that girl thank you so I know I got to start torturing my son right I called my brother on the phone because I'm like you guys tortured me endlessly what should I do and he said what do you mean all you talked about growing up was like I wish I had a little brother so I could do to him what you guys did to me he goes now is your chance nobody gets to go back and do that and I was like you know you're you're right this is quite an opportunity and he said yeah man do you want me to send you over the list and I go what list he goes oh the list of things that we had that we used to do to you and I said why do you still have the list and he was like you never know do you so he sends a list over right and I'm looking at it and he said just remember the most important thing is to start small and go up from there so this all started on a Sunday now listen he wants three weeks I don't want to give him a full three weeks I want to get this I want to get him so mad my son that he wants to fight at the end of the week I need to get him so mad cuz that's the only chance I have of beating him right so my brother's like start slow okay so Sunday night when my son is sleep and I took all of his underwear out of his drawer and I replaced it with panties with the days of the week on [Applause] so when he woke up the next morning I'm a cooking breakfast and I hear from the other room I hear whoa what is this hey these are my underwear and I just yelled back hey just put your Monday's on sunshine and come on out for some back and he was like and I was like don't say that don't say that don't say that you're not fighting me hard who has teenage boys knows the teenage boys are dumb as [ __ ] so dumb so dumb but even if you have a smart kid he is dumb as [ __ ] both of my sons are smart they are dumb dummy dumb dumbs Jacob had some friends over once right 14 at the time and all I hear is from the room oh by the way every teenage boy sounds like that if you every teenage boy is a cross between rocky and Forrest Gump like every every teenage boy is somewhere between no Adrienne and Jenny like you're somewhere in that [ __ ] so all I hear is ho ho ho ho I'm like what the [ __ ] is going on in there he's laughing for 15 minutes straight right and I hear dad come in here come in here so I go in there and for the boys are on one bed with one of those laser pointers that cats chase and the other boys on a wall like this [Music] my son goes you should use that on stage I'm like I'm gonna stupid they're easily manipulated and they're just they don't think because they're teenage this is my son's one of his greatest ones right I got an iPad for a gift and I didn't know how to set it up so I gave it to him I go man what you set this up for me I don't know how to do it he was doing and he brings it back later and he goes here you go dad all set up just so you know your iPad is the cloud everything from everybody's devices goes to your iPad everybody hearing that everything from everybody's devices my iPad so I'm scrolling through pictures on the road seeing what I want to post you know looking through you're looking through we're looking through and as a man when you're sitting on your own bed looking at your own iPad looking at your pictures you never want this sentence to leave your mouth I stopped on a picture and I go well that's not my dick now at first I thought somebody was sent in my wife dick pics i had that one beat so I wasn't even gonna say anything to her you know I mean Mozgov you like keep looking at that skinny dick babe I feel pretty good about my son it's not gonna be as funny when I come out of the shower doing the helicopter tomorrow is it is it but then I recognized the IKEA desk that I had built for my son behind the dick and I said oh my god I built that desk and that dick [Applause] so I go down into his room on that came in he goes yeah I go um you'll explain to me again how the cloud works and he was like oh you're so stupid and I was like ya know we'll see I said break it down for me real slow if you can he was okay dad you take a picture on your phone and it goes to the iPad I'm like what else he was like mom takes a picture on her phone and it goes the iPad I'm like what else he's like I take a picture on my phone and oh no [Applause] [Applause] hey can I see that iPad and I said no no not yet he goes okay and then he goes so how's your day going I said earlier today not great right now oh that's good dad cuz you know when you're in a good mood we're all in a good mood so and then he said something that did make me laugh he look he goes well thanks for stopping by he tried to pull the Jedi mind trick on me or some [ __ ] these are not the dick pigs here I'm looking for Saigon I think I'm gonna stick around for a little bit he was okay what a tree and he said so did you have a question you wanted to ask and I said did you have a question you wanted to ask me and he goes oh sure I'll I'll go first oh and I was girlfriend's name's Ashley right and he goes oh whether are there any pictures of Ashley's boobs on there Jacob are there pictures of a naked underage girl on my iPad and he goes well not if you didn't see him there are no I don't know dude is this and he goes oh that's just my dick and he said I'm so glad you saw that what do you think about that angle I go no no no we're close we're not check each other's dick pigs close like that's not what's going down and I finally had to tell them behind the other Talent look don't send dick pics the penis does not photograph well nobody has ever looked at a picture of a dick you've been like I love this picture ever and I saw it like I think I know I didn't think women react when they get a picture your dick it's how you react when you get a boob on their phone when a teenage boy gets a boob on his phone they lose their mind there have been a couple times when I just heard this from the living room later taters made you the team dance the whole thing that is not how you women react when you get a picture of a dick right to see though when a woman gets a dick pic she goes like this cuz she showed your dick to everybody and tomorrow it's gonna be on snapchat at all years come to my party they don't like that show anybody who has teenage boys too knows that they lie lie lie that's all they do and you know how you know they're lying because their mouth is moving they lie but here's the thing sometimes you don't bust them with all of them and sometimes their lies are so good that you're almost proud of them you know what I mean you're like and don't do that again that's my [ __ ] boy you know my son's best he ran a game on me ran a game on me my wife and I we went to Hawaii for vacation and my parents came to stay with him so when we come back we got a DirecTV bill a month later and there's $200 worth of porn charges and we're looking at the bill right my wife and I and I'm mad I'm mad I'm mad mad right the dude needs to be taught a lesson because porn is free like how dumb do you have I got porn in my pocket 24 hours a day I'm worried about him as a human being if he's still paying for porn that is the dumbest [ __ ] [ __ ] I've ever heard of I'm worried about him walking around in this world if he's still pending for porn like I wasn't gonna do that I tell my wife I'm like I gotta go down and talk to him this is so dumb but here's the deal I feel like this is gonna be a quick conversation cuz his mo when he lies is he'll lie and then if you just show him facts he's like yo those me and that's it so I have the facts in my hand I have to build in my hand so I figure it's gonna be a quick conversation so I go down into his room and I'm like hey man did you go Joe I go you know anything about this and here's how I could tell he was gonna lie to me cuz as soon as I held up the bill he bent over and he squinted like he couldn't read all of a sudden he was like I just started shaking his head like he had never seen that language before you look and then he said something so ridiculous he goes yo I'm not familiar I'm like what the [ __ ] does that mean you're not familiar you don't recognize English sure you don't know what that is and he goes I'm not sure what that list of stuff is how Mike gets porn he goes oh oh you don't know anything about that farm because no I know you didn't order that point there's no I know cuz I'm looking at the dates when the porn was ordered and it's when your mom and I were out of town and the only people at the house were you and Grandma and Grandpa so it was either you Grandma and Grandpa and he looks me right at Minnie goes well they do like each other a lot I was like take it easy there man you don't you talk about my mom right you talking about my mom right now I said you'd say my mom watches porn he goes no I didn't say that you said that and I'm like why is he so confident I have the bill I have it right here why and I sat okay I'm gonna make him so uncomfortable that he'll admit it and he doesn't want to talk about porn with his dad so I guess I'll just start reading off the titles of the movies so I said to Mike are you telling me a grandma grandpa we're in my room watching anal party three and this is the quote out of his mouth he goes well the door was shut all weekend I thought are you saying my mom watches anal he goes no you said that I never said that guys I walked into the room 100% sure it was him now I'm at like 99 and then I realized the reason he was so confident you know why are you so confident everybody the reason he was so confident was the only way I can truly prove that was him is it by calling my parents and I say did you watch anal party three in my room and on the off chance they say yes I gotta burn the [ __ ] house down like I can't live there as an adult male if my parents are watching anal on your bed you can burn that [ __ ] down so I need to I've stopped all of sudden have come up become Tom Cruise from a few good men like I needed to know right so I decided he's gone all in he knows I don't want to call my parents the only way I can bust him is if I go all in to so I'm like okay I'm going all in with this and I say to him I go man you didn't order the porn he didn't order the porn and then he did say what every teenager says at least once and I said you didn't order the porn and he's like I wish you just believed me oh you never believed me oh hang on oh man I believe you and he goes what because I figured I'm pushing all my chips into the only way to get him is to admit it is a get him into a situation that he doesn't want to be so I said you know I believe you and I think it's terrible that Grandma and Grandpa are making you pay for their born you zag I think that's terrible dude I said we should we can't let him hind the shadows out there in the East Coast we gotta call him out he was like really cause I blitz let's what do you think man and I held up my phone I go let's just get him on the phone and he looks me dead in the eye any OHS call him and he goes no no no call calling dad I want to hear you call your parents and ask them if they watched anal party three in your room I want to hear you ask that question call I go I'm gone and he goes I'm right here I was like so I start to dial one number dial another number and he goes you don't have your parents on speed dial and I said yeah I do I'm just taking I'm going slow him giving you a chance to come clean he goes oh okay because I wouldn't say come clean when you talk to them and I was like listen guys if this is a fight he's landed every [ __ ] punch so far and I'm like okay I'm pressing another button press another button guys I'm like and then I'm gonna jump out of a window like this is it for me Bob suppress that ninth button and he goes whoa I'll pay for it [Music] and I said you ordered the porn he goes no that was Grandma and Grandpa I just don't want you to embarrass them I think it's nice how much they like each other [Applause] it lets me dead in the eye and he goes we done here and I was like yeah but that wasn't satisfactory to me guys I needed to hear him say he ordered the port right so we get to the outside of his door and I'm on the outside of it and I go hey I'm in before it before before I leave I'm gonna give you one last offer I will pay the bill and give you $200 all you're gonna do is say you heard the point he looks right at me and he goes nope grab on grandpa and now every time he walks by my room and the doors open he looks and he goes I wouldn't sleep on that bed like an [ __ ] I don't feel too bad when I'm doing to him we're at day three back checking in back in the fight and I'm started to up my battle a little bit and I started to do something in my parent my brother said to me that I hated I put vaseline in basically every pocket that he had jacket pocket pant pocket anything oh that will drive you slowly crazy right and I could hear him gonna bite us all and then it was funny because my wife calls me into the bedroom she does you come in here I go sure and I look on the mirror in written in Vaseline on the mirror I can't wait to fight you and she goes you happy with yourself and I go yeah sure I'm pretty happy I go he just wrote a Deathwish Sweden Vaseline he's ready to snap like he's I'm not gonna have to wait 12 days he's ready to go right now right and it's so funny it really is the bunny's thing about kids is they they don't think that we experience what they experience like we were teenagers we did what you did like they think oh you wouldn't understand oh no like he thinks he's the only person who ever broke something in the house and just pretended like it ever happened no I didn't do that you guys never do that [ __ ] were you breaking something when you're a kid you just throw the pieces out like if there's like that lamp never existed but like your parents two grown-ups are gonna walk into the living room and just notice that that's one of the two lamps that isn't there that's how dumb teenagers are they're dumb as [ __ ] I dropped a keg on a hardwood floor in my house growing up when my parents were out of town we had a party it was the dining room I just slid the dining room table and rug over nine inches like Deauville never notice it's the first thing my mom noticed when she walked in she was like why is the table there but how'd you notice she was like I'm a grown-up now we all know pitfalls of being a teenager right so you have to decide which ones you want to warn your kids about and how you should warn them you know I think we've all changed how we warn our kids about drinking and driving now it's the message is easy call an uber calling it a lift I'll pay for everything wait there's no excuse for it to ever happen you know and I know all the people that I don't have kids are very vocal about that now and I don't know too many teenage kids that are drinking and driving anymore because of that right we're pretty clear on this message now and but there's other things that you don't you you know they're gonna run into that you don't tell him about because how would you like my daughter look one of the pitfalls that I knew my daughter was gonna run into my daughter my princess my baby girl the smartest young woman that I know but I knew that my daughter my baby girl you know what pitfall I knew she was gonna fall for you it eyes news gonna fall for I knew that my daughter was gonna fall for just the tip how did I know she was gonna fall for that cuz you fell for it and you fell for it and you fell for it and you fell apart you don't [ __ ] fell for something if you didn't fall for just the tip you found for I just want to lay naked next to you just one pump I want to know what it feels like don't shake your [ __ ] hands you all found for something and that's what I knew I like she's gonna fall for that [ __ ] and by the way it's not that I don't want her to have sex I'm not that guy who's like oh I know that's gonna happen but the tip is where the bad stuff comes from the tip makes me make babies I don't want that [ __ ] I don't want babies I'd rather have a guy say just the nuts fine dude stuff your nuts in there I got no problem of that some nuts I'm in a bit I'm gonna run for office and you're stuck nuts it's like feels great stuff nuts no kids that's all I'm saying it's so funny to see them do [ __ ] that I did I remember the first time I found my son drunk in my kitchen my oldest son and here's the thing he was here's how you can tell someone's drunk you can tell they're drunk by what to foods they're combining together because if you're eating chips and salsa you're not that drunk he was dipping chicken into peanut butter sitting in the corner of the kitchen like this he was like this but even said I think this is how they discovered Reese's so I was like hey man get put the chicken in the peanut butter down get upstairs dudes this is embarrassing here's okay and he goes upstairs and I was way up the stairs I said to him mate just so you know man not chicken and peanut butter that's not gonna be good for you later and I was right because I heard that we've all heard that right that late-night run to the bathroom your body is amazing your body is amazing for this reason you can pass out as some pert as a man I passed out Jews have put their nuts on my cheek they've traced their digs on my forehead they squirt [ __ ] all over you you don't wake up but you got a puke and your body's like and send you off running in a direction right so I hear running down the hallway and then there's silence and then I just hear [Music] this isn't fun anymore silence and then just in my favorite I swear to God [Music] [Applause] [Music] and then he did a couple of what I like to call my favorite the silent scream you know when you're like oh I feel so good I don't but your abs never look I need to do some more of those and by the way I don't want any one thing feeling bad for them but things that I do to them they get me just as much do you understand that like that's part of the thing in our family like funny is funny funny wins and they skit I scare really easily and my daughter scared me because I also smoke a lot of weed and and so my daughter scared me one time she hid in the front yard so they know that I come home high every now and then and she was waiting in the front yard in a long white flowy gown in a scream mat I walked into the yard and she was like and I jazz hand when I guess got high I make a lot when I jazz him there's like a million videos they have a me goal I guess so [ __ ] them they get everything they get everything but I knew my son was getting ready to lose his mind right so I started to step up my game and I did something to him that my brothers did to me that used to drive me crazy they used to put Tabasco sauce on my fingertips when I was sleeping well because the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning is what you go pee anybody who's ever touched a jalapeno and then gone to the bathroom yeah that's not fun you know so I put the basketball sauce in his fingertips and I just wait I wait five in the morning I get up I sit in the living room and I hear him go to the bathroom [Applause] [Music] [Music] hey is it Hank he goes what does it mean what what does it mean if your penis is on fire say well it could mean a lot of things oh yeah like what like what like what I said well you could have a virus and what did it do that appeal the lawyers what do you do I'm 11 they take a needle you stick it in the base of your penis what be the shot I don't want one of those what else what else what other was there any other option I go well yeah I said with it you could have like a bacterial infection oh okay what is that what does that mean how do they fix up I go well they take a needle and they stick it in the base you know a shot well I don't want to is there any option besides penis shot I love my own I go with this one the third one but it's so rare like it never happened do you think what is it I'm like it just doesn't happen because what is it is it a Peter shouting oh no he was told me what it is okay go it's possible but never happens but it's possible somebody snuck into your room and put the baskets on your finger and he was like I'm gonna bite you so don't say that don't say that now look we're buddies we really are buddies and he tells me everything he told me and some things I want to hearing some things I don't some things are just too much like he came home excited one night and he was okay over to ask you a couple questions I might make him comfortable and I was like did you not want to ask a friend he was like Nonna you because you know I don't want to ask him I get embarrassed I mean okay here's okay so okay so you know point out the Ashley up Friday and we're gonna be alone together we're gonna be doing some things I've never done before so I just got a couple questions he goes we're gonna be kissing and my eyes are gonna be shut right I go yes don't be creepy open I kiss a guy that's for worse you know when you're kissing somebody and you crack your eye like this and they're like this and you're like well [ __ ] tonight's the night I die I guess I don't know why you'd be staring at me from an 8 the bench away you psycho okay I go yeah dude eyes eyes definitely definitely close he was good question number one answered and he goes you don't mind know what to do here and he's brought his Brahman was terrible but I didn't want to tell him how to undo a bra cuz I looked high school not knowing how to undo a bra you've got to figure it out yourself look guys when I want to see boobs in high school my bra move is this you know any good number you put it on top of the titties and it might cut them in half you're the Garter that's so sad sound like a man who's you know I know what to do it no no and then he goes and then dad and he starts to do this and he's looking right at me he goes and then dad and I'm like oh I knew I should have gotten behind for this guy Reza walking his fingers down his stomach then he goes then dad this is exactly what he said he was then dad this this is where I hear things get a little tricky yeah whoever told you that was right they do again it does he said you know because oh the lights are on my eyes are gonna be closed so I don't how do you like when you have dad how do you like when you like dad oh he goes let me start over okay kissing eyes closed boobies know what to do there take a walk down the tricky town here we are and he said what I need to know from you dad is went like when you're like when you're with dad would you this is getting kind of weird isn't it I do that's a dude we are so far past awkward I am on suicide watch can you just ask me the question okay that I'll ask you like when you're doing it when you're how would you how do you touch a woman's Bonanno dad how do you do that and I was like you want me to tell you how my secrets I'm not giving you my secrets no secrets every man in America we all Harbor those secrets right trial and error trial there some [ __ ] with some [ __ ] doesn't you try but everyman America's come along the gates even gonna kick you to the finish line [ __ ] you figured out like the rest of us but you don't go from a princess the sorcerer in one day that's all I'm saying pretty sure it's like Harry Potter seven movies I don't [ __ ] know eight mother I'm just saying the first time I went down the girl's pants it would have been nice if somebody had told me but nobody ever told me but would have been nice the first time I went down a girl's pants if somebody had told me that the hole was so far back I was pushing around here for like 20 minutes I'm like what's the deal is it gonna pop open or do I need a password for this get a big little feet let me in and then when I finally hit a hole I thought I'm so far back I'm in the wrong one for sure I skipped over the vagina and then when I realized that was in the right place teenage boys are the worst when I finally realized that was in the right place I just left my finger there like I was taking her temperature of something no movement or anything just this the whole time like [ __ ] the Thanksgiving turkey and I was just waiting harder I think I might even a lead in it was like does that feel good so bad sod like this is right now we're at the house we're at day 5 and he's ready to snap after the Vaseline and I know he's ready to snap so I do the thing to him that my brothers did to me that made me snap the quickest they used to lock me in my bathroom oh yeah for hours now I wasn't gonna lock him in for hours just like an hour and a half so my god and so when he's in the bathroom I take some rope and I tie it to the handle and tie the other part of the rope to the door ben-tor the door other door handle and I just sitting that way and I hear the toilet flush and then I just hear the door handle and I get a text I'm locked in the bathroom so I sent him a text back I know and then it was just like in a horror movie all from the inside of the bathroom all I heard is are you out there and I said you know I am he goes you let me out of here right now I'll break the door down and I pick up my phone I'm like break it down has anyone in here ever seen someone tried to break down the door some funny [ __ ] the first time I saw I was in college and my buddy was like I'm being a [ __ ] out of this guy I go let's go and he goes to his house the door was locked and he was like I'm breaking it I go break-in and my buddy went in his lip went because it's a [ __ ] door everybody that's why they put it up there so you can't walk in and out all really Nick if you think you to break down the door you watch too much law and order that's all I'm saying the door so you guys I'm gonna break it down and the reason I had my camera up guys is because I'm gonna film it because I already have my wife and I have a video that's seven and a half minutes long of dumb [ __ ] that he's done that we're gonna play it his way so I'm like this is gonna be a perfect perfect video now guys I have on that video 90 seconds of the best thing you've ever seen in your life funnier than anything ever seen on YouTube funnier than anything you've ever seen in a movie TV show anything my son such an excitable just loving life person even as a young young young young young boy he rushed through [ __ ] so I have 90 seconds of a video because we were playing in the living room and he went to the bathroom and when he ran out he was not careful in the bathroom and he had a little bit of [ __ ] on his earlobe I have a 90 second video of him doing this hey you want to play what is that [Applause] you guys saw five seconds of it I have eighty five four seconds of judgment it's the best thing I've ever seen in my life whenever I'm in a bad mood I'm like throwing the tape like that is the best thing I've ever seen so I have it up like this right I'm ready cuz I know it's gonna happen he goes I'm breaking it down I go do it and he goes one two three and all I hears ooh silence it's quiet for like two three minutes and then he comes because I'm pretty sure this is child abuse [Applause] and I said yeah which part he was like dig all of it silence for like another three minutes maybe said something maybe laugh so hard I had to leave the room I just hear from the bathroom I'm hungry oh it's like come back in the room and this is what I knew he started crack he goes dad dad listen listen if you crack the door and slip in a sandwich I promise not to try to get out I'm like a [ __ ] Stockholm Syndrome insane anyone is there ago she ate her with his captors and stuff you know I go I can't do that man he's like oh this is what I knew he was ready to fight I just heard him starting to mumble to himself oh and then he said this he goes know when I get out of here I shake them and I was like [ __ ] I've never been so mad I was like oh he's ready to fight are you ready to come out man because your brother and I go okay and I open the door you've never seen a bull come out of a shoot at a rodeo or all their muscles are moving at once and he's come and he's like I'm gonna bite you so are you ready cuz I'm ready go let's go he's not yet I gotta change into my bike clothes I'm like what's that so I got in the hallway and I see my wife Beth and she's like listen you sure you still want to fight him I go he just he was just talking about shaking somebody so he's gonna fight somebody today so might as well be me and she said this is nothing good is gonna come out of this nothing good even if you win nothing good comes out of this she said I really think it's a bad idea and I said what did I tell you about that I'll let you know when I have a bad idea and she was like okay and I go just do me a favor just put my phone in the window cuz when I pin him that's gonna be the end of the wedding video like that's a good way to go out wedding video over me pinning him right she goes okay so I walk outside and when I walk outside guys I'm pretty happy with myself for a couple of reasons one I didn't have to get his violin as my dad did to get him this bad right into look whatever you all think about it nobody in here remembers the stories about when you were a kid how many times your mom cut the crusts off your sandwich you remember the nice stuff you're like you remember would [ __ ] Tommy fell off the roof dear Donna day those are the stories you tell and I know this is a story he's gonna tell this is a memory we're gonna share and I like that [ __ ] when he looks back he's gonna think man that was funny as [ __ ] right and I'm happy and then he comes busting out of the house follow me you want to know what his fight clothes were jean shorts no shirt and a bandana I was like where are you going to chela like wonder [ __ ] and he comes running at me throws a punch I ducked it I throw him over my hip and bam he lands on his back oh you guys know that noise huh with all the air just uh and I'm like oh I got a couple minutes the wind has been knocked out of them and the first time the wind gets knocked out of you you think you're dying right so I'm like oh I got at least 15 minutes to [ __ ] with this guy 15 seconds or so right so I'm like I'm always guys I was a huge wrestling fan huge Randy the Macho Man Savage fan so I'm like I'm gonna rain in the Macho Man so I start to walk around I'm like oh yeah oh man I'm looking in the window camera like and then I get a couple more seconds I'm gonna come off the top rope and I'm gonna jump on him pull his leg up pin them into the wedding video perfect right so I go what you gonna do when the Macho Man lands on you as members of her you know her the moment that's all I had I go to push when I push this leg slipped when this leg slipped a disc popped in my back and I landed right on him and I knocked the wind out of him again huh and he's they get off of me get off of me and I was like get out from under me and we're both laying there like a couple of wet mops in the front yard right thirty seconds later he gets out from under me walks inside and I'm laying in the front and just laying there probably for like ten minutes and then the front door opens and I see two feet walking out to me and I recognize her feet those are my wife's she walks out and she leans over me just like this and she goes how do you think that went I said I think it went pretty well and she said did it I said I won she goes did you she said all I know is that he's inside drinking water and you're still laying out here with your face in the dirt he looks like the winner I go yeah but we're gonna cut the video off way before that nobody's ever gonna see that [ __ ] and I said babe and I knew why she came out she came out to tell me that she was right and I was wrong and she was and I was gonna let I told her right at the front I said look I know the you were right and I was wrong and I'm so sorry and I am the adult and he is the child and I really just need to keep that in mind like this is how your parent we're parent together and I'm sorry we didn't do this together and I should have listened to you but thank you very much for coming out to help me in and she said I think I'm out here to help you in she said I came out here to tell you that the camera is still running in the window and I think I'm gonna start a little video mom because the sprinklers are set to come on and in three minutes and as she's walking away I go babe I don't think that's a good idea and she turns to me and she goes I'll let you know when I have a bad idea [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music]

Channel: Josh Wolf

Views: 8,345,974

Rating: 4.9310737 out of 5

Keywords: Josh Wolf, full special, comedy special, Father's Day, father, parenting, comedy, stand-up comedy, stand-up, stand-up comedian, comedy specials, hour special

Id: vQWf2C3_57k

Length: 64min 36sec (3876 seconds)

Published: Sat Jun 15 2019