My Son Got Hacked

he was probably about 15. and um he comes down into my room hey y'all yeah you recognize that voice my computer has a virus will you come down and check it out as a sure man i'm walking over to his room with him i go just out of curiosity what websites are looking at because i really feel like an honest answer can kick us to the finish line of this conversation you know what i mean so but he's not ready to be honest with me yet and so he he thinks of whatever lie he thinks will work and he goes you know uh just the usual one cnn i'm like oh really cnn i said just out of curiosity what what stories are you looking at there he goes you know i like the ones about syria i'm like syria i said it's pronounced syria and he goes that's not how i say it [Laughter] so i go to his computer and look he's either too stupid or lazy to clear his brows but he did try to fool me it's the first website cnn and he went one deeper second website espn third website come fiesta and i go hey dude uh what's the deal with this one right here and i can tell he's gonna lie to me and anybody follows me knows this this is his mo this is how i can tell he's gonna lie to me i could tell he's gonna lie to me because when i put it up the website he bent over and he squinted like he didn't know how to read all this stuff just started shaking his head like an [ __ ] for no reason [Music] he goes yeah i'm uh i've never seen those two words before he said why don't you try to pronounce it for me he goes well i wouldn't even know where to start i said why don't you start with those first three legs then he goes back to the squint okay [Laughter] i'm doing this for you dad oh no what does it say oh [ __ ] fiesta what does that say and i said pooh by esta i go you think it's an academic website do you magna [ __ ] fiesta is that what you think it is i said well i'm gonna click on it because why i wouldn't do that and i said why not this might be the website that's causing all the problems and he goes dad obviously i've been hacked and i said yeah man i don't know a lot about computers but i don't think that's how that works and he goes no it is you're too old you wouldn't understand i said well i'm going to click on it anyways he goes how are you really and i said yeah and he goes hey i'm gonna wait outside i said no no we're gonna watch this together and he goes i really don't want to do this because nobody wants to watch porn with their dad guys that's not a thing but the fact that he was so uncomfortable was making me kind of hard i love that [ __ ] so much it's one of my favorite things so i click on it and i will tell you what that was a fiesta looked like one person was getting all the presents though [Applause] but i said to him i go to poor man and he goes yeah i'm sorry i lied i didn't want to disappoint you like a buddy not disappointing age-appropriate you're 15. age-appropriate for you to be curious about sex yeah i'm not you're not in trouble with me for looking at porn but as your dad there are some things i think it's really important for you to know as your father there are some things they need to tell you thing number one watching too much porn is bad watching too much porn about you especially a young man who's never had sex before if all he's doing is watching porn when he gets his first girlfriend [Laughter] it's kind of set some pretty unrealistic expectations for her you know what i mean not every woman likes a hairbrush in her [ __ ] that's all i said that's just for the porn i think you know what i mean i told him you can try that but you're going to come home sore most of the time so but then i said to michael i'm so curious why you're watching why are you watching so much fun he goes well i'm trying to learn some moves i said are you watching porn to learn how to have sex he's like yeah i said that is a terrible idea and he goes why dad who else should i watch these are the professionals it was not a terrible argument but i i said okay okay well i'll take that but but that's like watching lebron james play basketball thinking you can dunk that's not how it works you're born with different skill sets you know what i mean think of big dicks you've got a nice personality [Music] you're going to work with what the lord gave you know now i know you're trying to learn some moves but [ __ ] somebody from 12 inches away is not going to be one of your ways so you're gonna have to get a little more creative than that i think you know [Applause] you know when you have kids you can tell when they're proud of themselves and he didn't want to admit it but i could tell he was proud of himself so i said i go did you did you learn something and he was like now look this is when a normal parent walks out of me because normal parents do want they do not want to know what their kid learned on comfiest but normal parents don't need to find new jokes for their act it would be irresponsible of me to leave i need to provide for the family you know what i mean now it's at this point in every story guys i'll let you in a little secret it's at this point in every story if i think i'm gonna use something on stage i will then try to manipulate my kids into doing things that i think will be fun and so and by the way people ask all the time how come there are more jokes about your daughter it's a great question it's at this point in every story when i do try to manipulate them well she'll look at me and she'll say you're not getting a joke out of this get out of here every every [ __ ] time why are all my jokes about my youngest son he's the dumbest one he's a giver i don't know what to tell you you know so i i decide what i'll do is i'll just start lobbing things up to see what he'll do so when he said he learned something instead of walking out i just started trying stuff yeah he said he said he learned something i said you did he goes yup i said okay show me [Music] what do you mean what do you mean what do you mean you go show me show me on the bed show me the moves you learn [Laughter] what like me and you no the [ __ ] being here [Applause] [Music] [Applause] i don't understand what you're saying to me right now i know buddy like look you play basketball you go to the gym you practice your free throws and nobody's there right yeah you work on your left when nobody's there yeah it's muscle memory it's the same with every physical activity your muscles need to have memory so when the game time happens you just react and you don't gotta think about it and he goes i don't understand i go jacob please tell me you've been in here practice and he goes are you for [Laughter] [Applause] [Music] yeah real look dude i go yeah i go when your mom leaves every morning the door's shut to my room what do you think i'm doing he goes you still practice i'm like yeah how old were you when you started i said well i was 14. he goes but i'm 15. i said i know and he said you tell me what to do dad you you tell me what to do and i will do it and i said okay i said listen buddy whatever moves you learned on the porn you on top her on top you from behind whatever it is you want to do you need to be in here in your room on your bed every day for 15 minutes a day and he's such a sweet kid he goes i will dad i won't let you down [Applause] and i'm ready to walk out of the room guys just knowing that he's gonna be in his room every day 15 minutes a day [ __ ] a ghost fills me up in ways you all can't possibly imagine it makes me so happy that dude doesn't need to be buy me a birthday present for the rest of my life we're good right and i'm walking out of the room but what did i tell you he's a giver so i get i'm almost at the door and i hear him go well do you want me to just show you right now yes i do [Laughter] [Applause] and i walk back in and i'm not gonna lie to you this is when things got a little weird because when i walk back into the room he starts to slowly walk over to his bed like this eyeballing me the whole world with this crazy confidence i'm like what the [ __ ] i'm leaning against the wall like am i about to learn something [Applause] yo because when you've been married as long as i have you try something new in bed your wife's gonna be like where'd you learn that and what am i gonna say [ __ ] jacob [Applause] that's not gonna go over that way pay attention [Music] you might see something you've never seen before and i said well i am 100 sure of that i'm positive i'm about to see something i've never seen before guys he good on that match he must have humped that thing killed like he was mad at it you know what i mean like it owed him money or something he must have helped that mattress 190 times in six seconds nobody's looking for a remodel bro one it's one of my favorites two i love seeing people's faces who are upset for my son [Laughter] i want to just let all of you know my family is the most important thing in the world i would not tell stories if it humiliated him or bothered him he loves the attention he he said last week well i'm not getting as many instagram followers anymore i go yeah i haven't put anything new out on youtube why i need to start doing some more stupid [ __ ] so unclench your [ __ ] for him everybody [Music] [Music] you

Channel: Josh Wolf

Views: 3,382,100

Keywords: Josh Wolf, comedy, stand-up, stand up, stand-up comedy, stand up comedy, comedy clips, comedy show, comedian, funny, laugh, father, son, weird, comedy special, best comedian, funniest comedian, top comedian, my son, Jake Wolf, Jacob Wolf, hacked, computer virus

Id: 0tV2qjOJgNM

Length: 14min 34sec (874 seconds)

Published: Sat Sep 19 2020