Mark Normand: Out To Lunch - Full Special

[Applause] hey comedy huh we're really doing it folks thanks for coming up good to be here hey how you doing nice to see a good shirt how are you cleavage that's exciting hey don't get weird you brought it all right here we are sorry I gotta work on saying things to people out loud yeah I got a problem I just say what I see I think I'm autistic but just like the bad parts of it you know like I can't compute numbers or remember dates but I'll make you feel weird all right let you drop bunch of toothpicks I can't count them but I'll give you a shitty hug I'm working on it trying to get better flew here from New York man I hate flying you know they let you pick your seat on a plane I think I'd rather pick the person I'm sitting next to I don't really give a [ __ ] where I am on the plane it's like a five-hour relationship make it more like a dating app obese Nazi with a service dog swipe left tiny asian lady with a surgical mask that's my girl yes she is not a talker Hey but just like a dating app she shows up with a baby I'm like I got catfished hate the small talk to things I can't do small talk and eye contact how's that is that you know I basically of all the traits of a serial killer just without the ambition I'm working on it people I say mark gotta be more confident they say mark gotta be yourself I'm like well you got a pick one I can't do both of those like a lot of people are scared of skydiving I'm more scared of the banter on the plane that I am jumping out of it yeah you sit in the plane it's all windy you're strapped in some guys like so mark where you're from just like say we're supposed to go together I got it at least with skydiving you get an instructor what about stuff I'm bad at stuff I'm nervous about like a dinner party I make dinner parties have screwed up set me up with a pro right I just show up some guys like all right I'll take care of my god beautiful he's giving me tips don't say the N word got it she's not pregnant don't ask thank god you're here okay some guys the party's like so who's your favorite comic I'm like Bill Cosby he's like pull the shoot I'm working on it I had a chatty uber driver last week that's the worst this guy wouldn't shut up I forgot that the no small talk option on the app so I get creative I just scare the guy and being quiet he's like how about this traffic huh what are things causing this I'm like probably the Jews he's like like all right I give this ride five stars of David yeah I'm working on it you know always trying to get better I'm a weirdo that's why I drink big fan of the booze I gotta cut back I actually gotta let go from a job once for being drunk at work my boss called me and egos get in here mark it's clear you're a high-functioning alcoholic I was like wow how do you know I was also high this guy is good one of my friends is like a beer expert you know he's like we gotta go to a brewery I'm like why can't we go to a bar he think it's funny you see how it's made I don't care how it's me look I like porn I don't need to go to a broken home not saying all porn sir I'm broken home just the ones I like seems like a lot of people are quitting the booze now it's kind of going away all my friends are getting sober look that's good but some people are better when they're drinking there's a lot of bad Sobers out there yeah we always start with the negative part about booze what about the good like sure you drove through a playground but you could dance man trying to get better I'm in therapy anybody else hey there you go a couple people yeah yeah I'm doing this thing called exposure therapy that's where you face your fears Garrett hikes take four hot air balloons scared of drowning takes you in the ocean so he said what are you scared of Marcus oh I'm claustrophobic and scared of intimacy so he took me a little closet and [ __ ] very expensive yeah why the stigma with therapy why all my friends make fun of me I think should be mandatory but he works out their muscles why not work out your emotions I'll be hanging out with a friend he's a guy right man take it easy I'm gonna go work on arms and back I'm like cool I'm gonna go work on letting go of the past and accepting love everybody loves the gym who the gym makes me feel sexy well you know what else is sexy not being a walking red flag nobody cares me your abs you think the guy having a meltdown at Chili's I think people respect the gym coz there's a culture behind al like gym rats they have t-shirts that say beastmode and better sore than sorry therapy people we need t-shirts we a shirt says no dad no problem right like can't stop won't stop crying I could have used some therapy as a kid weird kid bed wetter oh yeah I wet the bed every day Louis 13 years old my mattress looked like a goddamn coffee filter I ruined a lot of sleepovers folks yeah you start to run out of excuses after a while now your friends like what happened here I was like haha jeez I must dispelled a cup of piss yeah they say a lot of bed-wetters become serial killers which I believe because we learn how to clean up a stain pretty quick that's how embarrassing it is wetting the bed almost about to be known as a murderer than a bed wetter you know your friend sits on your mattress why is it all crinkly I'm gonna kill ya but a grown-up now 36 years old I grew up before the Internet maybe a better time for a kid maybe a question back then hey mom what's the capital of South Dakota she's like I'm on the phone and you just didn't know what a concept not knowing now we have so much information right there now I have an Alexa I love this thing and Alexa is like a mom without the passive aggressiveness asking you want hey Alexa how many cups in a liter four point two three cups all right if I'm like hey mom how many cups in a liter she's like won't you check your mattress sing that Alexa's tricky I read an article recently that said Alexa actually listens everything you say stores in the database could use it against you later it's like damn just like a real woman now I'm all nervous like I Alexa what's the weather out there she's like why don't you ask Siri oh boy here we go yeah it's got to be hard to be a kid now I feel bad for kids so much stimulus coming to kids iPhone internet social media remember I happy-go-lucky where's kids not a care in the world maybe run in the car shotgun that was like the biggest problem my life shotgun yeah I never see kids doing that anymore the only time a kid yells it out now is in a classroom school shootings what a bummer huh the great American pastime yeah school shootings like the menstruation of America happens about once a month it's bloody and every kid goes well I guess it's my turn now I know they're bad I like other blame in the video games video games cause violence come on video games don't cause violence video games cause carpal tunnel and vaginal dryness I know a lot of guys they play eight hours of video games a day the girlfriends are like violent slap my ass choke me I'm dying here like I don't think games translate to real life I grew up playing Monopoly with my friends none of them now owned property to be fair some did go directly to jail that's uh we got it they got problems here you know like I just got back from Europe they really make fun of us over there that's like all they do oh you Americans just so fat like a yeah we're doing great why is it a bad thing how fat we are I think it's cool it's like impressive more people die in America of obesity and starvation which is like hey we did it how cool are we we're dying from eating food we go up to heaven some guys like I starve to death what happened to you we're like snacks yeah the McRib is back what do you want seek well how'd you lose your foot frostbite nah frosting yeah we're fat I'm so high up on the food chain one of my friends he only eats grass fed beef you realize how crazy is that means he gets to pick what he eats eats that's pretty good and here's the weird thing cows eat grass that's what we've messed with our food when something eats wood it's supposed to we brag about it that's like saying hey no my 4 year old is sober [Music] father of the year over here yeah we're fat all my friends are fat mostly my family's fat I grew up pretty fat you know I I tried to make fun of fat people unless they make fun of me that's when I let it go yeah like all my fat friends give me [ __ ] one of my frat friends told me I have skinny privilege like privilege something can't be a privilege if you could do it too I've known you my whole life he used to be thin that's not a privileges can't be attained by exercising right if that were the case then black people take a Jazzercise class they wouldn't get pulled over right it'd be that simple he always condescends to me oh you're so lucky you're thin lucky you gotta work at it it's hard what the hell I gotta eat right it sucks saying you're so lucky your thins like saying you're so lucky you don't have kids no no I had food and I pulled out he's like whatever it's easy being skinny well not really you couldn't do it yeah I read a news article about obesity they said they're thinking about putting microchips in obese people's brains it shocks them every time I think about food I was like if we have that kind of technology I feel like we should be using that on pedophiles why are we wasting on chubs I don't care about your candy intake I'm worried about your candy output priorities people eat all the cupcakes you want just don't touch a Little Debbie pedophilia huh any pedophiles here I mean statistically he's gotta be to write but hey we're all adults here which is a sentence they hate you guys have read down your knees and thank God not a pedophile they didn't choose that they got dealt a bad hand we're extremely lucky we should be grateful think about clothes we all were when I was in third grade I was attracted to third grade girls now I like adult women when I was in third grade I like grape juice now I like red wine but I still like grape juice holy hell that was close thank God my brain just knew the right way to go whoo I just watched a documentary on Petofi with my friend my friend goes ooh I could never have sex with a kid they're so annoying I was like that's it huh that's the thing that's holding you back need a better reason that all right buddy it's like hey what happened to Greg he went to prison why he met a really cool kid that checks out all right yeah but it's good to get out of New York that's it he'll eat you alive you know good to be here I live in the West Village in Manhattan you know a real cool neighborhood the gay pride parade actually goes rap on my house every day and I like a gay area you guys are the best progressive non violent you never made any violent gay guys there's no gay gangs that would just be a musical any gay guys here tonight hey all right thanks for coming out big fan one of my best friends is gay he's obsessed with straight guys it's like his thing you know he's like I love flipping ahead a row he's like you know how hard that is now hardest go out every night to bunch of people you want to have sex with her don't to have sex with you I was like that's exactly it's like we in a straight guy the hell are you talking about I would argue it's just hard me to sleep with a woman is for you to flip a hetero he was like nah Donna you have no idea you got to take him out for hours convince them yeah yeah same here he's like nine I even if you do pull it off which is like a miracle they feel horrible after yeah yeah same thing we went back and forth for hours talking about this all night back and forth eventually I woke up at his place oh [Applause] yeah I went to the gay pride parade last year still sore had a good time at a lot of characters out there I made a gay guy there hated straight people I never heard that he's a hetero phob I didn't know that was a thing he was like yeah screw straight people you guys are the worst oh come on man we gotta get along also without us you wouldn't be here don't bite the hand that breeds you yeah and I have to ask who's gay sir cuz I have the worst gaydar on the bike can't tell who's gay one of my friends always bragged about his gaydar well god he's like he's gay he's gay he's gay I'm like well that's not that impressive I mean right a gay bar I don't know you want impressed with your gaydar start pointing out gay babies now that's impressive right like see that kid breastfeeding over there between you and me he's miserable that's a hell of a gay me yeah I like all the girl esby ins any lesbians in the house hey Wow yes I love your web sites feel like lesbians are underrepresented I travel the country doing comedy I always see fun gay bars in every city they always have fun names like the manhole or the back door where's all the fun lesbian bars where's like the dugout or scissors also you always see a group of girls with one gay guy on a never see a group of guys with one lesbian I'd love to have a lesbian in my crew that'd be fun cuz hey guys very helpful to help girls with the hair or their outfit look I'm a lesbian help me out with stuff like I crapped the car won't start she's like I got it yeah you flooded it you [ __ ] thanks Debbie glad you brought your tools it's that tire alright but you guys are cool you know a lot of crowds getting sensitive it's getting weird out there I got yellow show recently this guy goes hey buddy that's a trigger word I was like whoa I think it's pronounced trigger easy there big fella hey look you know if you get upset or offended that's cool I'm not one of those guys you're allowed to be offended that's totally cool but if you are just shut up you're not a hero just ruining a show just be offended just let it flow through you just feel it right and I'll share we don't care just feel yeah we all have thoughts I might want to sleep with your girlfriend I just hold it in I don't say we're so obsessed with words now kind of shows how good we have we got to focus on words you know like in the 70s it was all about actions like if you want to show you were brave and the seventies you to jump over 12 buses on a motorcycle now I see a guy make an off-color joke at the office I'm like that guy's [ __ ] fearless Wow yeah I don't know people take things so seriously I guess I got to show you their personality by yelling at you about stuff that bothers them I don't know like I don't meet any of this stuff I'm just saying words in a certain order to elicit laughter people like trying to figure me out do my act it's all jokes I told an abortion joke recently and a woman approached me she was like hey that's very insensitive I've had an abortion you shouldn't tell jokes like that I was like whoa hey sorry I just old a joke I think what you did was much worse but you know either way I'll see it home later honey and again all jokes I love abortions I paid for two last week I'm a fan right hey you remember yeah it's all jokes friend of mine she works at Planned Parenthood she loves that joke I was like I might have to get rid of it people don't like it she's like no no you got to keep it I was like I might get rid of psych no no you got to keep it I was like I was like don't tell me do with my body of work she's like every jokes a miracle but I don't want to upset anybody you know ah jeez I don't want to upset that's not my intent you know I'm upsetting people on accident now I was at a Starbucks recents guy hanging my coffee on hey thanks chief this guy goes ooh don't say chief it's offensive to Native Americans I was like how is that offensive he goes whoa don't say how gah how do we get here weird times weird times taking words away you know I get it you know words hurt people I get it you know but here's the thing we're kind of like a weird word prohibition can't say this can't say that that's why I feel like every now and then we should all go to a plea in correct speakeasy this is where we can all go to say horrible stuff and nobody cares you got no hate in your heart you don't wanna hurt anybody but if you can't say it there give us a place you can write you go down some creaky stairs you're bang on a big steel door or the guys like what's the password [ __ ] it's like the 90s again yeah cuz offensive words they're like alcohol sure you can abuse it sure you can hurt people if you do responsibly it's a good time just don't do it at work don't you around kids will go home close the door take the edge off a [ __ ] right I don't say little people that's like drinking no duels but of course I get it I just you know find it funny I get it but here's the problem we forget that no one's politically correct up here we're all animals and we're all trying to we're all seeing the same thing we're all thinking the same thing no one's PC in their brain this is a filter you Pro when he talks you seem nice like no one sees a hot girl bend over and thinks look at that independent woman like to treat her equally now we're sick man and women we're gross but like where it's all gotten us done if you like the whole country's pent up feel surprised angry right now we got white supremacist protest hate groups it's weird you're allowed to be hateful in America as long as you're not specific and that weird if you're like I hate Mexican people everybody's like oh my god what a bigoted prejudice but if you're like I hate people it was like oh [ __ ] right and that worse people are angry now man I have one of those white lives matter rally as a couple my house the other day I freaked out then I realized uh it's just a half marathon that was close I don't know just be a good person what about that just be nice to people you know yeah like a lot of it doesn't add up I can't keep track of all the rules like transgender what do you think that's how I feel I don't give a [ __ ] you want to go for a man a woman go nuts well go labia what's the beef look it's weird to hate someone cuz they're trans right but it's also weird to love someone cuz they're trans shouldn't you like them based on who they are as a person content to the character people are so phony I love Caitlyn Jenner why she sucks she's against gay marriage I ran over a person what's the good part I think oh wow they have hard lives all right well sort of digits why don't you talk about how much you like them where's that hashtag I don't see any tweets about midgets who's got a heart in a minute hug it around hard to drive hard to get work no love it look I'm not inside trans but I am pro midge I just don't get why we help one group but not another it's just kind of trendy and people say well trans aren't allowed everywhere well you're been a roller coaster [Music] least trans be accommodated with the bathrooms midgets you ever seen out tallit oil tis well imagine I'm gonna jump to take a dump weird no help no support you know what's great about midgets I got a couple [ __ ] friends they're good eggs you never see a [ __ ] complaining never every other group complains never a [ __ ] never see it on the news sitting at a desk legs dangle old fishing never every other group complains I see women on new is we have a glass ceiling midgets like you're worried about the ceiling holy [ __ ] I'm trying to [ __ ] with this counter baby interesting see I guess I'm too open-minded because I support all transition not just sexual why do we stop at sexual I support transition a personality transition of a opinion right like Kevin Hart Kevin Hart got in trouble with some offensive tweets from years ago well I'm not the same guy was from years ago I've transitioned I used to have sex with sixteen year olds when I was 16 now I don't I'm different well years ago he said some offensive stuff well years ago she won the men's relay people change okay why do you support that and not that ah it just tells me if I ever get in trouble now I'm just gonna get a sex change cuz you gotta kiss my ass hey Mark we heard that interview from ten years ago yeah that was Mark I'm Margaret I don't know I support Kevin Hart also exudes a [ __ ] I don't everything's weird now you know the news is insane the Internet's full of hate I feel like it's a little things to keep you happy now I got to cherish the little things I got a Snapple today I love a good Snapple I love that fun fact under the cap I was a good one today it said uh polar bears used to be brown but through evolution they turned white biggest police were shooting them I know I couldn't believe they fit all that under the cap yeah ah yes a lot of racial talk now white privilege its term here a lot now white privilege but I thought it was all about diversity so should we talk about everybody religious why were just limiting it to whitey let's spread the love let's make every group feel good everybody's got something to all people privilege see the concert Jews no hell pretty good pretty good women ladies night that's cool black people I can't wear a purple suit looks like fun everybody's got a perk Indian people even if you're undateable your parents will arrange something huh let's spread the love who's got the energy to be racist huh that's gotta suck to be racist would that be weird just like you go to the bank like oh there's Jews e'er I gotta leave what a horrible life man put on an outfit go to a meeting all that stuff I don't care about any group enough to hate it do it whatever everyone go nuts I know I don't to do anything I'm lazy I want to burn a cross or a calorie yeah everybody's worked up about something these there's Muslims on airplanes I'd rather a Muslim on a plane than a baby never had a Muslim kick the back of my seat and piss in the aisle I'm just saying the airport had a baby band I wouldn't protest yeah but transgender they're using the bathrooms well they're still using the toilet right they're not leaving a hot floater in the sink if that was like their thing then yeah we should totally have a meeting that's crazy no and you get the hillbilly guy well one of these perverts puts on a dress and looks my wife in the bathroom oh what a score some guy your toothless wife [ __ ] come on go to work you lunatic but hey we've come a long way we hate to admit that we hate to admit it we've come a long way like in the 50s we had whites only and blacks only water fountain which is incredibly sad especially if you're a thirsty Asian what the hell were they doing drinking out of a faucet no one talks about I never come up once not a peep nothing black Bueller pissed can you believe this [ __ ] we got our own water fountain aged like could I get a sip I'm dying out here I got a triangular hat to block the Sun I'm a big fan of Asians I think they're the best group I think they're number one I don't think they get the credit they deserved I'm an Asian supremacist all the way I think they're better than the rest of any Asian people here hey all right you should be working God what are you doing having a good time that's not the Asian I know god damn it I want you to dealing blackjack or sitting on a box peeling something come on big fan best group easily the best group no love you guys get the short on the chopstick it's pretty unfair so quiet so secure Asians every other groups got a brag and boast every groups got a slogan black people I'm black and I'm proud white people white power Hispanics oh yeah not an Asian in just head down grades up that's it ain't you the bet you never hear about Asian crime never if I was an Asian guy would you start bugging people like hey it's my word against yours big fan big fan oh yeah I think the news is a problem the news pins us all against each other news makes it seem like all white people are scared of minorities I don't think all white pillars scared of minorities I do think a lot of white people are scared of looking racist that's really the big fear with whitey like if I'm walking down the street of for the morning I see a sketchy looking white guy coming towards I'm like crap I'm gonna cross the street if I'm walking down the street at 4:00 in the morning I see a sketchy looking black guy coming towards I'm like crap I wish I could cross the street okay I'd rather get stabbed look like an [ __ ] white people we are so worried about looking ignorant and bigoted I guess because of our history like I went skiing Ricci with my friend we're sitting on the ski lift I was like well you see more black people skiing why is that my friend has no idea but he's gonna you know half-ass his way through it because you don't want to see him dumb so he's like ah you know they don't grow up with it like well um please II Anna I'm here Wow skis very expensive all right right right yeah yeah you know I've never seen a black guy with anything expensive on their feet just say you don't know it's alright you sound way worse that's why black pillar smarter why did we do crazy stuff we swim with sharks we go bungee jumping cliff diving ask a black guy why do they do that I go I don't know that's why people [ __ ] that's a good answer they don't sit around you know Europe yeah look yeah I'm a white guy if I talk about race now for some reason another white person Emily calls me racist that's like what we do it's like I know you're trying to seem like a hero buddy gonna ruin that word you're gonna take the teeth out of its like an important word you're gonna ruin it like I was on the subway where you say I was watching an interracial couple make out I was just staring at him and the guy next to them copping you guys what the hell I see you staring at them what are you racist I was like what racist no I'm a creep what do you talk about I'm hard not a racist I'm aroused it's an important where people abuse it all the time friend of mine she's Puerto Rican we grew up together so hate going to the gym the white women there I'll give me the stink-eye cuz they're racist I was like damn what happened she said well first bring my food in ate it then I played my music really loud like oh maybe they just hate you let's not lump together all of Puerto Rico cuz you're being a [ __ ] hey you're being inconsiderate and rude take a little ownership look with it you can't blame everything on bigotry look I grew up in a black neighborhood I was a bed-wetter I'd sleep with their houses eventually stopped inviting me over I was like I hate white people no I ruined their [ __ ] furniture they didn't hate white they hated yellow sorry huh yeah I like all the groups I just make jokes you know remember jokes yeah I met a nice girl in that Jewish Yap what's that Jewish app call the Jewish one what's the Jewish that the other one the other one PayPal yeah going pretty well yeah a lot of ladies here tonight that's exciting yeah I feel like this is like your time ladies this is like the year of the woman you know I went to the women's March in Manhattan that was cool although I gotta say I haven't heard the word [ __ ] yelled that much since that time I rollerbladed to high school that was a tough morning yeah it's kind of crazy what women go through it and it like some guy just like whip it out and stuff in front of women that's wild that's bold see I have a penis so I'm not that scared of new ones but I guess if you don't have a penis that no one's got to be pretty scary the closer I get to that feeling is once I was hanging out with a friend and he just took out a gun I was like what the hell are you doing he's like well you know I had a gun and I'm like yeah we're at Whole Foods because it dick and a gun are very similar if somebody pull out either one right now we'd all be like whoa is that meant for me Jesus Christ don't point it at me damn they're gonna gun very similar both pointy they shoot things that come in different sizes you can get a pistol or a shotgun I'm circumcised so I'm sawed-off but I guess guys you do that just get confused cuz ladies sometimes you like a penis so guys the guy she like won last night why would she like one by the copy machine women are so complex cuz I think generally speaking when it comes to sex I think men are a little more constant you know men like boobs but we like boobs across the board boom in the bedroom great boob on the bus also great dick in the bedroom great dick on the bus call the police nobody's calling the police on a boob you see a boob out in the while it's like seeing a deer you're like it's majestic look there's two now then your other friend walks up hey look at that a boob we're like I you spooked it come on yeah we're cracking down on sexual harassment finally that's good you know get sexually harassed more than women the one group pets yeah nobody ever gets consent from a dog nobody people just pick it up kiss it on the face rub its belly to that weird creepy long pet where you grab the tail at the end or creepy as hell with dogs and we satellite creeps they like it they're begging me for it yeah thank God dogs can't talk we'd all go to jail right just some Chihuahua in a courtroom like firstly flip me over then he caressed all eight of my nipples then he slapped me on the ass repeatedly and said you're a good girl good girl we harassed dogs all day long and appropriate harasses they can't talks we'll never report you that's why they're man's best friend also dogs forget stuff after like two seconds you could stick your finger up a dog's ass and be like well that was weird frisbee because really when you break down our relationship with dogs dogs are shameless shameless [ __ ] aren't they I mean they're like gold diggers look at the deal we've cut with a dog like alright pooch I will house you and feed you back to touch you whenever I want dogs like what are you kidding that's [ __ ] amazing I'll do you one better when you come home I'll hump your leg I'll lick my balls in front yeah when you have sex I'll watch that's fair and cats cats the exact tops a catcher like sexual assault victims they're all nervous get his head on a swivel huh you touch me off I can cut you okay you [ __ ] hey you're not grabbing this [ __ ] all right yeah leave me alone I got was got a window for an hour but hey you gotta listen to ladies fellas you gotta listen you know friend of mine she's like a big feminist she's like I have a full bush cuz that's how I was born I was like holy hell you were born with a full bush that is a terrifying baby cut the umbilical cord I can't find it I like a strong woman I want a woman a cat call me cat call us ladies that'd be hilarious start yelling out stuff at men that we don't hear stuff that would scare a guy now you walk past a group of girls at night when I was like hey I'll tell you I love you on the first date you're like Jesus Christ and it's terrifying yeah get us back any walk past girls like hey before we have sex I'm gonna poke a hole in the condom this is a horrible neighborhood my god start the car oh you ladies are fascinating so complex yeah one time me and my girl were watching the news that was a whole thing about a CEO or a Singh his employees she said can you believe this creep grabbed women's asses whispered dirty stuff in their ear at work cuz like yeah that's crazy then we got home later in the bedroom she's like can you do that stuff from the news to me I was like I thought you hated that I got hate he does it if you do it it's hot oh so you hate harassment less you like the guy then it turns you on that's fascinating I don't think other groups like black guys get harassed by the cops for the night they're not like come on pull me over yeah tase me [ __ ] yeah interesting yeah my gal she likes being insulted in the bedroom which is cool but nobody tells it and not all insults are sexy I learned that the hard way yeah we'd be having sex I'm like yeah yo [ __ ] she's like yeah like yeah you [ __ ] she's like yeah I'm like you're a bad driver she's like what like that's the one that bothered you we're she's like he's really him a bad driver like sorry a dirty skank she's like thank you yeah yeah sometimes I'll try to hook up and she's like I can't have sex I don't feel sexy I can't have sex if I don't feel sexy wow that was the case for me I'd still be a virgin I've never felt sexy my entire life the whole concept of sexy is very arbitrary you know your girl comes that I'm wearing my sexy leopard print underwear well when did we decide leper was the sexiest animal print I don't know nothing says sexy underwear to me like yellow and brown spots in that case I'm wearing my sexy underwear it's a rare jungle cat called the skidmark yeah how about the true crime you gals love a good true crime oh that's the Forensic Files killer women Dateline hours of this stuff my girl called me watching two seconds of gay porn she flipped out she was like what the hell is going on here I was like well you watch murder isn't that way weirder she's like why you're watching this do you want to do that I was like well do you want to kill me she was like oh shut up I'm just watching my show so I know what to do if I ever get in that situation I'm like oh maybe that's why I'm watching gay porn I wonder how this goes down so I get the hell out of there right she's like that's ridiculous this is a reenactment well this is two of this guy's not really a real estate broker too much porn I think porn has really changed the game you know out of the gate now sex is much kinkier I think is a porn out of the gate now it's like choking spitting finger up the butt which is weird cuz these are all things my older brother did to torment me it's all the same [ __ ] we've just taken bullying out of the playground brought in the bedroom I got my girl on top now I'm like Indian sunburn seriously you go to a schoolyard during recess some kids hold a girl down pulling her hair calling her name's I'm like man he's good I'm taking notes get back to your girl she's like wow where'd you learn that I'm like a couple of third graders actually but don't worry I like red wine it's weird out there who knows you gotta get married right that's what you do Oh scary huh marriage feel so antiquated cousin we've come so far with everything we're still doing that thing what are we doing especially the ladies every girl if every day is like when you gonna propose clocks tick and pop the question why you want you're married so bad what is it ladies you come so far but when it comes to marriage you guys get kind of old-fashioned I want the ring and the cake and the dress what grow up ladies you're killing it go frolic be free but it's my special day all right what if to ruin mine I don't I feel like a lot of guys look at marriage the way women look at anal you know just like well we all knew this day was coming let's get it over with I'm not sure it's even natural okay either way when it's all done we'll get new sheets [Laughter] but that's why you ladies are brilliant you gals are geniuses because you guys tend to be the ones who want to get married to Smythe designed it or the man asks you that's some Jedi level trickery right there you're like Yoda I want to get married you'll ask me yes you got it and you'll get down on one knee no problem and you'll buy me expensive ring will do and whose idea was this all mine well played ladies well played see like guys we got a cool with the sexual aggression we come on too strong we're creepy were scary ladies you guys got a cool with the commitment aggression that's where you guys push that's what you guys get creepy when in exchange key what I'm gonna move in when you get married it's like well hey no means no slow down I feel pressured I'm not ready huh and your family jumps in hey when do you make an honest woman out of my daughter what who's this guy imagine my dad to that hey what I'm gonna bang my son huh back off I don't know my nuts Mayer just feels like the least romantic thing on the planet it's legal I gotta go to a courthouse get a license what's the license for that's the only license we don't check by the way driver's license liquor license people check a fishing license I'm gonna start checking marriage license next time I see a short broke weird guy's like that's my hot wife over there I'll be like let me see some ID but I just got my license renewed you know it's weird when you buy alcohol you show your driver's license and that weird the thing I'm not supposed to do with this stuff you wanna prove I can do by that logic when you buy a gun you show your marriage license all right lady walks in I'll take that revolver guys like let me see some identification why even married 60 years you know what just take it I don't know then you got have kids Oh kids are scary I like babies babies are fun you know why babies are great because they're not evil yet as a million douchebags out there but you never assume that baby will become one and that nice that's why no one ever goes up to a pregnant woman rubs her belly and goes ooh this one's gonna suck no it's all up it's all potential it's all positive oh it's kicking might be a pro soccer player right it's never like oh it's kicking might hit his wife statistically way more likely in a pro soccer player right plus it's already hitting a woman not even out yet yeah I don't know I got to figure something out being a relationship is always tough you know I've always said people say weird stuff of me like mark you're a comedian must be a great boyfriend why do you say that well women love funny guys all right we've taken the one singular positive aspect if you deal with any guy they could be seemed like a great boyfriend serial killer check out the killing this guy's organized and cleans up after himself terrorists check out the terrorize guys passionate loves to travel chall molester take out the molesting this guy's got a van and can't wait to start a family I just got a bad brain I'm too literal literal is bad with dating and stuff I had a blind date once right when the girls saw me she goes hey I bet we'd have really cute kids how's it go right I bet we'd have great sex and she goes well slow down it's like slow down you're 9 months ahead of me ah this girl hated me she was like you know I feel very brave tonight I was like why is that cuz I'm not wearing any makeup I was like how's that brave cuz I'm being my true self being the real me how's it go okay she's like you should be brave oh yeah maybe I will she's like what he gonna do cause I'm gonna stop hurting this is interesting she was like wow I can't believe he just said that I was like yeah took guts I don't know working on it trying to get better uh I realize I'm a weirdo I remember I had a one-night stand once went great fun night hanging out but during the sex she did a new one I've never seen before she act like a four-year-old girl you ever come across this we'd be having sex I don't know where she'd be like you know if you want to pull my hair that way keep going you know if you want to even slap my ass you know if you want to get choked me I was like I do yeah we finished we had a great night we're laying there and I was like you know if you want to you can leave didn't care for that when I thought the timing was perfect you know a lot of girls get mad about the whole leaving thing but it's nothing personal against you ladies just a weird um in my head I'm a nut I'm an introvert I gotta get out of there a lot of girls your man like what do you just bang me and leave oh yeah this was a long night I've been trying to win you over like nine hours I'm exhausted there were five guys at the bar hitting on you I doubt charm them be more interesting be conversational be funny be on all night she was like just bend yourself like a [ __ ] stupid see myself what I'm an idiot if I was myself be like hey you fat or let's [ __ ] that's not gonna work she was like well I don't get it why do you want to leave like I don't know I just gonna go talk somebody but why not talk to me I just wanted to talk to a friend we could tell me anything well that's not true she's like I swear to God he can tell me anything you want yeah well I recently had sex with a woman and she won't let me leave so that ended what is that with the leaving ladies don't really it's a nerve with you guys ladies you want a guy to stay make him want to stay like guys we have pickup lines ladies you need to stay put lines that's where you kick in it's okay I approached you at a bar I was nervous I was on my heels shucking and jiving I made it work now you want me to hang out so you do it justice she's like well you're not being that fun right now my god I already did that that's how I [ __ ] you but now you want me to stay so you go just a shift change that's all win me over charm me sweep me off my feet you do it I don't get it girls always think I want this kind of like me to push your boobs together wear high heels you look sexy as hell then a guy's sex you're like that's it well that's what was advertised it's very confusing you tricked me your outfits like a movie trailer I'm like oh I want to see that movie I go see the movie then I go home I don't sit around going I gotta get to know this theater and I'm not saying the theater sucks or anything's wrong with it just wasn't advertised talk to me I'd love to I had a girl once you can't leave you [ __ ] me well this is this how you get people to hang out with you how about a conversation anecdote knock-knock something ladies you do kegels tighten up those stories I think it why this is so controversial I'm just tired I'm excited bringing the heat all night I've been playing the hits I'm exhausted I want to go so why could you be fake all night I'm like we faked it too you don't look like that you weren't makeup we're both full of [ __ ] your eyes don't go look at the end or whatever we're both lying I'm just wearing makeup my personality that's all like ladies you know when you go to dinner with a guy or like just cuz you bought me dinner doesn't mean I owe you sex and that's true but just because you let me have sex with you doesn't mean I owe my morning all right it's the same exact transaction quality that's why it's weird women go we're just as horny as men yeah maybe we have a lot more requirements ladies quite a checklist you're like the Goldilocks of dick this guy's too short this guy's too dumb this guy's just right guys will [ __ ] the porch and I'm not saying one is better worse just different week I go to the doctor he's like what happened I was like it was too hot but look I get it you know it's gotta be tough to be a lady I feel like women are getting screw in the orgasm Department feel like men are having way more orgasms at women and that sucks people talk about the wage gap the orgasm gap is out of control you gals are getting 77 cents to the boner like if a woman had to have an orgasm to get pregnant there'd be like two people here and you get nothing for you orgasm ladies like if a guy is an orgasm going get pregnant carry baby for nine months deliver the baby then breastfeed the baby and all the guy to do is this good and he tried really hard not to do that it's a horrible setup with a woman the guy is all the fun the girls all the work that'd be like if I ate a whole chocolate cake and the girl gained weight then she went to the gym and I got buff gotta be tough plus women constantly judge by your looks that's got to be exhausting costly judged by your look but y'all got to look good you all look great that's how women figured out to take the selfie up here that was all you ladies you know you're good sight lines are I think that's why women like tall guys just some guy looking at you from your best angle 100% of time all day long that's why you don't hook up with short guys just some guy like jeez look at the triple chin on this bride oh yeah yeah you like a tall man ladies and that's okay it's how you're wired you're all a bunch of height supremacist yeah that was always the first question back on the dating app she over six feet yeah over six feet you over six feet I feel bad after a while if I like to come up with something I was like well no but if it helps I'm still growing as a person well thanks I got annoyed with one girls like how much do you weigh she was like whoa that's body shaming it's hard for me to lose weight it's even harder for me to gain height plus men are so visual that's a lot of pressure constant men are so visual you never know your guy's looking at my ex-girlfriend very paranoid always going through my phone sock drawer sniffing me always looking for clues that's why I'm surprised you don't see more female detectives ladies you guys would be amazing at that you guys are intuitive you're curious you're persistent I feel like you gals would crack every case as long as you thought it was personal that's the key like man this guy killed 18 people in Fresno so what well he's also cheating on your best friend give me the file crack that case in an hour [Music] gotta be tough Lee's constantly judged by your looks gotta be exhausting but somehow men get the blame for this like it's just men judging women which we do but ladies you guys judge each other quite harshly you judge yourselves by your looks you do stuff to your looks men even care about eat your nails done who's that for we don't give a [ __ ] all this jewelry and stuff no guys are real like oh my god see that necklace Kelly was wearing holy hell that's all you we don't care but it's always been friend of mine she got breast implants so I was like hey they look great she goes oh man so shallow I got these for me okay well then you're shallow why is this on me on the sudden look we're all shallow all right but ladies you can tell your shell about you get offended by friend of mine some guy call her overweight she flipped started dieting everyday just to spite this guy started exercising just out of anger I pedaled my friend got called um she wouldn't angrily go back to college interesting they say the C word is the worst thing call a woman I think it's fat what do you think ladies C word is bad shouldn't call a woman the C word I think fat is worse cuz it's visible to C words an opinion that's why no woman ever looks in the mirror in the morning what say I just feel Kunti today okay what do you think Kunti is this putting off [ __ ] not doing this I don't know you could measure fat as a scale right there there's no unit of measurement for the c-word that'd be a great infomercial though wouldn't it whoo I feel so much better after I lost 13 kuntum eaters but that's the thing ladies I feel like you gals get so down about your looks but you can do so many amazing things you never really brag about let's go through a list of stuff women can do that's unbelievable first of all you can make people that's insane people are coming out of you alive if you brag about that constantly I know men will take a photo of a good [ __ ] you're making human beings how annoying would men be if they could make people I made him a mammy men name kiss absent they'd even do anything that's Jimmy jr. oh yeah would you do I came she didn't I gotta do everything around here yeah ladies you can feed people that's bananas you got great a vitamin D organic milk on tap we got a cup of coffee right here bowl of cereal I got you're a [ __ ] dairy I know a girl she's lactose intolerant still producing milk she's making something she can't even tolerate much like my mom did with me ladies you live longer than man and you have a higher threshold for pain than men on paper you're like a superhero on paper but that's the thing you ladies are so incredibly such amazing beings yet you're some of the most insecure people have ever met it's always my looks do I look good in this turn you on you like that look fat and this is doing forever about this uh okay you're a woman own it I won't be the cockiest [ __ ] on the planet what do you have a paper cut I've been bleeding for three days this [ __ ] guy huh what else you got all you cut yourself shaving Oh last week an immigrant waxed my taint let's say you push out a kidney stone oh I pushed that a little league player how do you like that now give me those fruit loops but one of the most amazing things about women the thing you get no credit for ladies the most unbelievable impressive thing is your ability to hide everything everything is a goddamn secret you're all in the CIA you have the real you but any of you you let us see we'll go with menstruation pretty big deal let's start there you hide a pretty goddamn well-mannered clueless we have to guess that time of the month what do you think time of the month is she acting weird you anything down on your eyes our men got there appeared to be blood everywhere on the walls the sidewalk everywhere everywhere this guy's walking to work out [ __ ] uterine lining Jesus Christ oh damn it you made one of those masculine napkins thank you yeah oh yeah you too huh Jeff guess we're synched up yeah here we go yeah says don't flush it but [ __ ] it it's all hidden hey everything's hidden I used to work an office in midtown Manhattan I was the only guy on the floors meeting like a hundred women I never heard one fart not a toot not a queef nothing nothing sometimes on Friday and bringing chili and just wait nothing I farted up here eight times tonight I walked it on one win once once taking a [ __ ] it was like I walked in on a murder scene she was like get the fire fresh take it easy you're allowed to [ __ ] on the OP see we're gonna be [ __ ] I'm like hey what you bring nothing you're given us ducted ladies all your sexual stuff that's all under wraps very hush-hush man Walker I'm an ass man I'm a boob man you never see a woman go I'm a ball gal yeah I love that sack nothing giving us nothing then you want to sell how you're feeling and stuff what are you kidding we're in the dark sometimes I'll read a Cosmo a woman's magazine just get some inside dirt one times reading a Cosmo there's a full page aren't alone how to go down on a woman properly it's like this should being like guns and ammo or feeling scream Sports Illustrated teaches late we want to please god damn you got fake eyelashes hair extensions Spanx foundation you should know what I'm thinking have you know if I could look like that's why it's weird what a woman's like you want to have sex of a guy get to know me first get to know yet you're wearing three pounds of jewelry clown makeup and a hole afar for four weeks I know who the hell you are that's why it's so important to have sex if that's because we're horny psycho animals we are but it's important as you finally see behind the curtain for the first time and its glorious ladies your hair is messed up you're naked yelling out filthy obscenities like damn who's this your friend calls hey it took a month but you bang Sarah how was it great I finally met her you say oh man all right well come over we'll talk about them I can't she won't let me leave thanks a lot I'm Kevin Hart [Applause] so much I appreciate it praise Allah you know say I'm gay thank you have a good night [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music]

Channel: undefined

Views: 6,058,961

Rating: 4.9080229 out of 5

Keywords: mark normand, comedy, stand up, stand up comedy, tuesdays with stories, mark nor, out to lunch, full hour special, comedy special

Id: tDolNU89SXI

Length: 53min 58sec (3238 seconds)

Published: Tue May 12 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/flamingdeathmonkeys]

he's going through this so rushed that it shouldn't work.

It absolutely does. This is one of the strongest specials I've seen. he has some serious hard hitters that take rough topics and make a killer joke out of it. He has 6 to 7 seven jokes on the same topics yet never seems to overstay on a topic. He has some well threaded topics that would be hack in another comedians set but builds them into actually making a point on them.

Seriously stellar work. This blows so many specials on Netflix out of the water it's an absolute outrage that he isn't on there.

[u/coogiwaves]

It was so great watching the premiere live last night with Mark and everyone in the chat showing him the love he deserves. Mark and Joe List are the only comics where I equally like their stand up and podcast comedy wise. When he puts out an hour it truly is special not like half the other ones I've seen recently. PRAISE ALLAH!!

[u/MouseInThe_House]

He's a well oiled joke machine fatty

[u/shalom82]

This special is fantastic. I don’t even understand what it is about this guy, but he takes this material which is borderline hacky - men can women stereotypes, the black/gay/lesbian bit, people get offended these days - all that stuff you’d expect to hear from in a set from 2002, and somehow he makes is sound fresh, exciting and hilarious. His jokes sound old and new at the same time. How does he do it?

[u/BulljiveBots]

I was gonna go to this but got lazy. There were still tickets the day of the show! I regret it now. Especially since I'm Asian and could've been pointed at by Mark. :)

Great comedy venue though. I saw Todd Barry on his second crowd work tour there.

[u/GoodGuyGinger]

Hell ya! While Netflix pays Millions to roll out the dinosaurs, it's interesting to see the best specials are free on Youtube instead, love it!

Looks great, killer comic and jokes. If you want to support Mark, I recommend their podcast Tuesdays with Stories (with Joe List) and support Patreon https://www.patreon.com/tuesdays

[u/Venturian_Candidate]

praise allah!

[u/Somnium_Mentis]

It's his time. Go Mark, go!

[u/AdotFlicker]

Norman is the fucking truth man. I love that the “comedic elite” are finally starting to pay attention to him.