Christopher Titus • 5th Annual End of the World Tour • Full Show

Oh [Applause] [Music] [Music] Christopher Titus [Applause] what's up [ __ ] well August 25th 2001 my wife gave birth to our first child thank you there's September 11 2001 I realized how bad my timing sucks and the five years my kid's been alive all hell has broken loose on the planet Earth and I'm not blaming my daughter for all of it I'm hoping it's a coincidence terrorism war diseases we can't cure hurricanes tsunamis spinach [ __ ] France it's the end of the world people it's an Armageddon checklist Pope John Paul didn't die he pre-boarding and if you have kids you're scared I got kids man yeah every night the news telling me little kids to get stolen off the street like car stereos out of convertibles when I got to I don't know what to do i bought a Rottweiler staple them both to it till they're 18 there you go shut up daddy says ride the dog we got new diseases every week do you even remember diseases before 9/11 since 9/11 SARS monkey pox which both my kids think or a sugary breakfast cereal mad cow disease I got to be afraid of [ __ ] cows now and Canadian cows I feel like such a puss yeah when did it become lions and tigers and cows oh my they've got the bird flu the hantavirus the mosquito virus did the animal kingdom have a meeting alright who's tired of being food and clothing anybody else cows get on it whoa cow is man and our priorities are all screwed up five years we still can't catch Osama bin Laden but in those five years we nailed Martha Stewart and Barry Bonds ass to the wall the world's worst terrorist is still dragging his dialysis machines or a Pakistani strip mall right now but the doily mission the Slugger prick won't bother us again Prince Charles married Mick Jagger what's going on and things are so screwed up we're accepting stuff that we shouldn't accept you this year this the antidepressant Paxil that causes suicide in a lot of people let me say that [ __ ] again the antidepressant Paxil causes suicide so if you're depressed you take a paxil you're gonna feel a lot better and then blow your brains out but the suicide note will be inspiring all the little eyes dotted with little hearts you know goodbye happy faces in the O's spinach is deadly Popeyes a lion prey it's the end of the world Amish people are getting shot nobody turns their own butter should have a bullet in them how you doing there Zeki I'm pretty good jebediah smells like a drive-by and now we're spending 400 billion dollars on the war to help Iraq and the Iraqi seem so appreciative don't they how do you explain that to your kids well honey and some cultures won't get mean to some people with a Pinto means thanks for the freedom 400 billion we call one guy could we just send Saddam a mad cow burger and a paxil and been done with it [Applause] 400 billion we need to spend that money here except you can't trust anybody here either two weeks ago in Los Angeles at a stop sign I was asked for a dollar by a homeless 22 year old Vietnam veteran but yeah man here's the book I know Danang was wack and then he skateboard it off it's the end of the world you guys realize that when you have kids that you're gonna teach your kid stuff we never had to learn don't open the mail could have anthrax don't talk to the mailman cuz he needs an ex and don't go any building with four stories high because I'm 18 a mom put my crashing 747 into it I'm my daughter's five now she's asking me questions I don't know what to tell her honey I don't know I don't know why to pop them in did ten years still putting out better albums in Justin Timberlake what why is there war you know your ago you eating your own poop what are you talking about okay this one right here this was because we proved that there was weapons a master's degree proof that the Saddam was directly connected to 9/11 well at least only lasted six month come here gasps better get cheap pretty effing fast you guys get that right our president is a Texas oil man and we're paying $3 a gallon we're [ __ ] [ __ ] and my daughter's too smart she gets it watching teaching she gets it she thought she'd get so I have a smart kid I don't want a smart kid I'm gonna start feeding or LED paint chips just to bring her down I knew she was smart when she was one though because she would not watch reality television she's leave just leave she's smarter than me i watch reality television oh my god the human drama unfolding live in front of me that some producer set up that she just sees people eating bugs for money and something she got her ass beat for two days earlier reality television is the end of the world people fear factors in syndication we're rewatching people eat the same damn bus people wonder why our kids are getting fat well maybe it's because we're all sitting on our asses on the couch at home watching other people play cards on television we can you play cards ourselves anymore yes I've cut the deck but I don't want to reach my target heart rate Martha Stewart's a convicted felon and they get her another television job what's next the Scott Peterson fishing hour [Applause] and of the world the husbands and wives killing each other my god it's happening all the time a guy a couple of months ago shot his wife at a domestic violence center I think they need to clarify the sign minister's wife shot him in the back with a shotgun I guess he does work in mysterious way guy in Utah killed his wife I need mark hacking stabbed his wife by the way lady's little tip don't marry a guy named hacking or stab or mix shootie also a bad man and it's happening all the time we thought Oh Jay was a fluke turns out Oh Jay was a trendsetter how come we get Peterson Robert Blake who got off on the I couldn't have shot her I left my gun in the restaurant defense what's the jury in the jury box with just big helmet on innocent I believe they even care to mention I were taking Genesis and I get it we've all been in long-term relationships and we've all thought about killing the other person just for a second he was on the stairs in front of you and you were like oh no [Applause] I'm good go ahead I know me my wife's thought about killing me a lot but she always turns the car around take the shovels and plastic sheeting back to Home Depot who amongst us can say they have not bought the concrete to weigh down the body who but you didn't use it you went home you calm down you fixed the driveway and it's bad enough these guys kill their spouses isn't it worse the lawyers these lawyers are amazing Peterson's lawyer was brilliant this guy Scott was not trying to escape into Mexico really counselor then why'd he look like the Hispanic eminence when he was in the pool tool who's hanging out with Aquaman cuz I've been in the port ten weeks straight my hair never went clear wasn't going to Mexico sir they caught him on the border ten grand this pocket English Spanish dictionary in this pocket we're on a serape and holding a leaf blower [Applause] and here's why I bring it up cuz the media the the VIPRE me to just grab onto anything that's stupid and they just beat us to death with it and the thing is that you're just watching TV but your kids are sitting up with your nieces and nephews and then at the end the Petersons try my daughter she turns to me and she goes daddy are you gonna kill mommy honey that's up to mommy in it [Applause] funny to me our media is out of control everything's always something stupid the Terri Schiavo thing was nuts and it was on TV for 14 years or whatever the hell allowed my my daughter turned to me in the middle of it and she goes daddy what's wrong with this woman well honey she's brain dead her brain doesn't work anymore you mean like uncle Rudi no honey uncle Rudy's on Thorazine and paxil and marijuana and Merlot I'm so glad our government is finally decided to get directly involved in our family business and the Terri Schiavo thing pissed me off because it was predicated on one thing there wasn't enough witnesses to what Terri wanted so as my three hundred witnesses tonight let's be very clear if I am ever brain dead kill Titus if I cannot control the fluid spilling out of my own orifices please kill Titus if I'm not aware let's pick which diapers I would like to be changed into for God's sakes kill Titus unless I'm really funny if I'm fine and you guys enjoy that god bless you film a movie dressed me as a Viking I don't care and you know I don't care cuz I'm brain dead [Applause] and then when you're done laughing at me kill Titus and don't let me die slow and horrible by pulling my feeding tube I want you guys to duct tape my ass to a motorcycle and let's break Evel Knievel's jump record I want to go out big I want to be brain dead over the Snake River Canyon ring ring and please film it so my family can make some money off the DVD which I would like to be called kill Titus with 30 minutes of bonus footage [Applause] made you giggle like a girl there's our government is lost in my geography went back to work on Easter Sunday to deal with the Terri Schiavo debacle what happened to our government man I went and our president by the way like him or hate him you have to admit President Bush I said the toughest presidency since Lincoln this man has got to open the paper every day and just go [Applause] Wow [Applause] duh there was a hurricane cancel my spinach salad and my trip to Amish country and throughout history great hardship has created great leadership in this man's case it's created a Special Olympics honorable mention you know your presidents in bad shape and the only way to take attention off of him in five years is have the Vice President shoot a buddy in the face hey Paul you're gonna have to take them for the team and he keeps talking about them here's what's freaking me late he keeps talking about the mood just bringing up the moon every once in a while in the middle of the speech no child left behind moon program what that was he talking about and he keeps bringing an Ikea my first thought was oh my god he forgot we heard you went to the moon like things are just going so bad guy rack he looked out the window one day I'm gonna go there I don't like it here no more it's really hard here did you read the paper so turns out we got to go to the movies got to go to Mars we got to go to Mars we spent three billion dollars on this RadioShack remote-control car that we landed on Mars and while he was scooting around I discovered her mud because I guess there's a mud shorter is coming that we're just frankly not ready for nice to know we ever need dirt and water mixed together just a hop skip and a billion miles away and he wants to put a colony on the moon cool idea colon enema of course how we gonna get there dude Space Shuttle we've blown up two out of ten now the last one that worked the gas gauge was broken yeah how does it feel to be that astronaut you've already known they blown up to its you're a big shot you're on the launch pad you're ready to go you look down houston we got a problem up here yeah I flicked it then a gigolo while my ass open a hatch right now I will take a 71 Vega to the moon for getting a damn space shuttle do you guys know I found this myself use the Space Shuttle was actually designed in 1971 you know what that means it in the Space Shuttle is an avocado refrigerator and one Doobie Brothers 8-track but that shag carpet looks bitchin at zero de done it [Applause] 1971 isn't it time to crack the RMD book on the shuttle you know why cuz I have a shampoo in my house right now that fixes my hair on the molecular level a razor with four blades if I move too fast will cut my head off can we please get the shuttle a little nip and tuck it go 12000 miles an hour my bathroom at home goes zero miles an hour yet tiles fall off does anybody here want to be an astronaut if the emergency repair kit on the shuttle is grout and a caulking gun I'm having a problem with the stabilizer I got it [Applause] it's like Google run NASA man if Google ran passive it's gonna work man it's not for NASA to step up or step aside man I I believe that my dad you sales I'm step up or step aside you don't get the [ __ ] how much you're willing to do something about it yeah of course my dad always said that while you were sitting on that his ass on the couch drinking a beer yelling at me for not mowing the lawn watch you step up and mow it wow that was a cigarette now I'm a pirate [Applause] and but anyway why are we going to space anybody on what the hell are we doing in space when we got paying we got in velcro moving off didn't we already kick spaces ass in the 60s we landed a thing on the moon plant a flag on the moon claim the moon for America not a shot fired hold up hold up not a shot fired whoo we're Americans that confuses it [ __ ] us off no don't get me wrong we'll take your land but we need to kick somebody's ass first so that's why I think our space program screwed up I say you want to fix a space program we need an enemy on the moon and we invented one in Iraq let's invent one on the moon [Applause] personally I would like to send the French and by the way I'm not just jumping on the I hate France bandwagon I'm gonna try to jump bomb but it was full here's that bad the French are the European Union is trying to come together as one trading bloc France is the only country that wasn't signed the agreement no we will not sign a piece of pepper we do not play with others well look into my ass as I walk away from you alright fine fine France you don't play in our sandbox you won't be on our team fine moons all yours they still hate us though given the movie they'd be living up there well thank you for the moon dumbass American joke look at the Americans how they think they're so cool down there with our dogs and the amber girls wearing their theater all but we have the moon ah we could be unbanned from right here yah doesn't look like a laser to you yeah that's a laser and you better get some long sleeves on cuz it's gonna hurt face it we are warring people this country hasn't gotten better economically or technologically unless we were kicking somebody's ass and you know what it's made us the strongest damn country on the planet Earth yeah but it's also caused some internal problems because some of those people we jacked up live here now because I got these two kids I'm trying to make the world better I'm trying to figure it out man how do we make it better I can't forget how come we're all the same biologically none of us can get along I started out basic I tried to figure out white people and black people don't get along sometimes turns out the problem is who this [ __ ] white people man I read some books in the head we can be dicks man now we need meat he's like whitey an on or something man because I read a thousand years of history and frankly I'm ashamed to call myself a peckerwood I don't tell people I'm white anymore I'm albino Cambodian and I hear this a lot especially in California oh there's no racism anymore really okay there's a man ask you question why people have black people if you're telling a joke and the group of people you're telling the joke to all the exact same color as you you just set that joke fly no matter what it is right but if one person in that group happens to be a photo negative of the rest of you you got to run that joke through some filters don't you and I'm going to make the man feel that am I going to get punched in the face fielder is that guy holding a Glock nine filler the timings off jokes are not funny anymore on white people listen up I found this in my studies there are white people jokes I know and ladies and gentlemen these jokes are harsh I know that cuz none of my black friends would tell me any of them and I back come on just give me one oh man you don't want to hear it really I signed the waiver legally I can't tell you the joke you know those jokes are so harsh and so funny because they had 400 years to write those jokes and here's a problem right now the problem is why I'm back here right now and it's on white people cite every white person in our country knows what our ancestors did we now wrong horrible vicious and brutal it wasn't the thing is what happened is just so outrageous frankly none of us know what to say about it man how do you apologize for a 400-year faux pas like that oops my bad just doesn't cover it my black trans ring of slavery I can't even talk [Applause] [Music] yeah you guys know I wasn't there right come on let's go shoot some hoop not that you're predisposed to shoot hoop oh god don't beat me up please don't beat me up a lot of white people are afraid to have to write a really big check to but I did some research I found a lot of black leaders have said they didn't care about reparations as much as they wish somebody anybody will just step up and make a formal apology that's fair isn't it and I believe one man can make a difference that if one man took 100% responsibility the healing could start go do it there's some people right behind you Mack off all right why do I got it good evening black people first of all may I say you're right you do dance better than us but on the other hand I also love chicken [Music] now that we have found some common ground I except Allah gize slavery was all my fault stupid stupid stupid I thought it was gonna be a fun trip we're going to Africa but all we brought was beer and no women so when we got there we were just hungover and pissed off and then all hell broke loose I apologized we should have just brought back plants but we had this country to build and we needed some help we could use the Indians to help us but we killed them to the Indian people I also love whiskey and hate trash on the freeway [Music] and I apologize but white people we get fired up mamak oh no from England we're free we got our religion we're going to this new country there's nobody there was a [ __ ] standing on the beach with a fetish in his hair who's that guy hold up hold up he's wearing a loincloth smoking a pipe he's probably high no no let him keep smoking because then he won't care if we take his whole country idiot sorry Indians we didn't mean for it to go down the way it did for us it was like going to a party in high school at someone's house and their parents were out of town we didn't mean to trash the place but the football team was doing crystal meth and Indians I promise to make it up to you by at least once a year losing $1,000 in your lovely casinos why do we take your whole country my god we took everything man we could at least left it Texas I mean hell we cleaned out all the Mexicans [Applause] paedon los mexicanos muy apology so I didn't know if the hell we're fighting so hard for Texas for anyway anyone here been to Texas Texas is a hellhole home had dirt cactus lizards dirt cactus the Bush family dirt it's not like we were fighting for Colorado again Indians really sorry about Colorado can't wanna roll who else to the Japanese you know about the a bomb and the internment camps the [ __ ] that you guys start a dad hey we were chilling in Hawaii in all hell broke loose I will admit I overreacted [Applause] but look at you now how with the plasma TV and the Toyota Prius I I think somebody deserves a thank you you're welcome so to every race of people in here tonight that whitey has jacked up I sincerely apologize for taking your land for the abuse for the torture for the smallpox blankets for the Jim Crow laws black people I apologize for Kramer thank you know what we're gonna change the world tonight for our kids and their kids on three I'm gonna be white prisoners audience to say ìwhy eight and I apologize one two three I'm gonna cry that was beautiful man that was good they'll see me crack the door a little bit this beautiful hymn by the way if you're not white you should probably accept our apology cuz did you see how fast we got organized there's the hell out of me two minutes about we really need is two beers and an idea I wrote that Biggs I have kids now by the way I didn't have a flying rat's ass about this world before I had kids I just wrote jokes jokes like this hey she gets here dr. Adkins died slipped on some ice hit his head died on life support the man then event of the all meat diet died of vegetable [Applause] that's a damn good joke that looks like a minivan reliable not inspiring and then I had these kids that I remember waking up one day and kind of coming coming aware of the fact that my daughter is learning her colors from the terrorist alert rainbow oh no she thinks Winnie the Pooh is a medium threat comes in every morning for a briefing now daddy likes today well it's an Elmo day honey get your little pink bulletproof Barbie Kevlar vest on your scooby-doo gas mask let's go where is there my pretty pony duct tape get a damn it this isn't a game and by the way I'm not kidding that color Trek thing screwed my daughter she's a little kid she's learning honey what color is that elevated I shouldn't have had kids I admit that freely I'm a [ __ ] I shouldn't had him man I shouldn't have but before I had kids I was that guy in the airplane just hated them you know ya got a kid who scream excuse me sir this those little pillows fit directly over a three-year-old fan [Applause] [Music] oh he's a little angel now any look at same color blue as the sea really were you in that one lunch Jay's go watch lifetime [Laughter] and then I had something I just thought they loved them in their grave but man it's just I you know and your first kid for a guy is amazing your first kid it's like your first car you love it you can't believe you have it but you're gonna put some dents in it Child Services does like when they find that your baby has bondo covering a ding shut up honey if I keep standing ahead to get around again just shut up I did not drop her actually I don't believe that sleeping with somebody qualifies you to be a parent cuz we've all been to Walmart right and you see those little bastards running around like even fingers I want to punch his father in the throat those are my kids I'm not good man I believe I believe if you want a child in this society right now you should have to go to a parenting class before you have one or if I could have rented a [ __ ] for like two years you know just rented a [ __ ] dress him up as a baby hat and walk me through everything you know I paid some good [ __ ] money - I'll be slipping up a midgets get screwed over in America every day you ever seen him working at the mall no cuz all the counters of that high what's a [ __ ] gonna do there are no Starbucks midgets you ever seen it can I get your latte I was doing the show up for Comedy Central last year and then we had a some actresses in a guy Deborah Kerr I'm gonna image it so I'm on the radio when they talking about it and I keep saying the word [ __ ] and this angry [ __ ] calls in because they all are well they live at ass level I think you would be too [Applause] so he calls in it caused it and he's as mad and he goes hey well he said Wow say the word [ __ ] is like saying n-word is it really I don't know cuz I don't remember time in our nation's history we took a bunch of boats to munchkin land get them to the top with midgets brought them back I mean to pick cotton for 400 years although Cotton's only that high so it's a much better idea Franklin [Applause] [Applause] that's right yeah you guys with who and then you say wait we're being [ __ ] haha and by the way if there's any [ __ ] in the audience tonight I'm whitey and I apologize I'm not good man I'm not good I know I was a little kid three months for my wife gave birth I was hanging on buddy chipper but his - house been working - building some hot rods and we have his ten month old son Brock with ism Brock isn't that little Walker thing they give them but it doesn't have wheels on it's got balls on it is that the best way to teach a child how to watch he's by the way Brock is seven now it looks like he's hammered all the time [Applause] so we're working on the car we're checking on rock we're working on the car and checking our luck and we're checking on them every eight ten minutes how much trouble can it fit get into an eight 10 minutes I know now all right and some people build their houses on Hills and it's not my fault so working on the car checking on Brock we're gonna like hard to in the middle of working on the car we hear this noise and on top of that noise best I can describe is a terrified cooing and we both look up and Brockett found the garage-door moment before and it's now going on this hundred foot driveway at about 35 miles an hour and that little Walker thing is just spinning and you can tell by the look on Brock Chase every time he came around that that was not intentional and some people put gravel at the end of their driveways and it's not my fault those little balls hit the gravel which stopped them really fast man like against the laws of physics math and as they say at NASA Rock was launched and you could tell from the trajectory that re-entry was gonna be trouble cuz he hit the ground was just balled up when he stopped man look like someone rolled them in chocolate chips and tip when I turn to each other and went here's what happened and I know I didn't learn anything from that incident why daughter was four months old I started throwing up there and catching her because by the way it ladies every guy you meet will do this because we don't know what to do with something is small it's smaller than a breadbox not remote control I must be able to throw it so I throw an eye catching she goes and I'm never thinking uh she loves it so I just start winning I'm raising an X Games baby her nickname Hangtown and this goes on for like ten eleven months now she's getting language pretty good we had a dinner party at my house all my friends oh and I want to show my friends how cool my kid is cuz well she's a certain distil a baby now I pick her up I go whoo I got I got I got and when I catch her she looks right in my face and put of all my friends and goes no [Applause] she's talking very well isn't she [Applause] I've been terrorizing her for like a here man a [ __ ] would have said something I got two kids I got two and a half your boy five your girl my little boy you know I don't like him much yet yeah well I made him smile a couple of times but I'm funnier than that and if I'm paying your rent and feeding you I'm the funny sumbitch in that house this how you wake up you killing me dead inside when I can't take it you gonna make me pee oh wait I've already peed sorry it's okay he's gonna get my daughter's my daughter's five and they're in school max isn't that a 2 to 5 is magical where they could just say everything they hear they suck it in they say it exactly how you said it to them it's amazing and kind of like living with a witness for the prosecution man we have 11 inch an hour person Internet when my daughter was eight months old I had to take over the day cuz it's been 18 months my wife needed a shower she was getting kind of funky lady tell them it that so you got the kid I got the kid in the car I'm by myself I'm just I don't know what I'm doing I'm just driving and we had a little road rage incident not my fault shut up lady you don't know me guy cut me off man I catch up alright man it's on and from the back seat but no real damage done right except I'm the new dad I'm still my old punky self I don't let the guy go I start chasing him down the freeway now I gonna take her home to her mother and there's no duct tape in the car so I went to the Walgreens and got some benadryl [Applause] got $7 babysitter oh man I walked in the house couple hours later she was great I don't you're bitching about all the times he didn't make a noise why you wished me she's not gonna wake up for a while and when she does she's gonna know some new words but some good ones too like adult and dosage she is so precious when she sleeps with her eyes open like that so I get away with that one pretty clean three months later my wife asked me to take her out again cuz she needs another shower how many showers does this woman freakin me so I got the kid in the car and we're driving and we have another road rage incident not my fault but I see a pattern guy cuts me if I slam on the brakes you know and I slam against my seatbelt she jams against her forty eight point harness but I'm a good daddy I learned my lesson I don't do anything I just go from the backseat we're gonna have a little talk with mommy we get on it's all that's right it's all [Applause] she's cool man both my kids fiercely independent thirteen months they both decided they could handle it online maybe because I'm their dad like that I got it bad but my boys like I don't need you to feed me give me the fork tink tink tink tink tink tink then Child Services comes over I'm like he did it my daughter man when she hit three you couldn't get near my daughter I take off my own clothes I take out my own clothes okay hon but taking up a long-sleeve turtleneck sweater to a three year old is like space travel to us big people but here's where I learned let him do it so I just back up let her do it from timing her 22 seconds in sweaters wrapped around her head four times she got one eye showing but it's rolling back due to lack of oxygen now the sweaters over her face you can't see so she starts to panic and starts running down the hallway to her bedroom but she can't see she is bouncing off the walls and furniture and I really want to help her but I'm laughing too hard I can barely stand up and she goes into her bedroom or her grandmother happens to be sitting with the little one in the rocking chair she finally gets a sweater off goes [Applause] the grandmas looking at me like it's all she's so smart she she used it in context such an idiot man I'm not good you women you guys are good with them you're good with them you know why cuz you see them different me you think they're special and precious instead of tiny and unemployed which are the facts I would tell my wife that she get this shut up look at her she is Jesus's little diamond-encrusted angel full of love hope and joy every moment with there is the memory look at her she's only gonna be this big for three oh god now showing me this big for three seconds I have pictures of my first kid at three seconds six seconds nine seconds and then 15 seconds cuz dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough ha ha ha she wrote that in the photo album although your second kid your little lacks with pictures in fact if my little one gets abducted I'm gonna have to hire a sketch artist he's about that big his head's kind of round II horrible sense of humor I'm not good man you don't want some a guy I want it bigger faster so I can teach it stuff I don't know do the blob let's go pick it up your car's too detailed lawns to mow let's go the lawn has looked like crap since a [ __ ] left pick it up [Applause] so from day one man day one got my cantata home for the hospital I get up every morning and subtit in her you know get in front of the TV and talk to her never baby talk to parents it's like baby talk to the kids crack me up cuz you're teaching your child a language nobody knows so it's fine to go oh how come your kids [ __ ] I taught him that so we'd give every morning watch the N and hey baby look at CNN look at that too a Blitzer uh-huh and that's a toupee oh look lady newscaster she's black Asian Latino and the woman now that's because corporate America doesn't seem to like to hire a lot of minorities so instead they try to hire all their minorities in one maybe one day you can change that remember this phrase I'm whitey and I apologize oh there's a bicycle yeah and that that's a trolley car look at the trolley car yeah and that's an airplane you see that's the September 11 my kid was 16 days old and that morning I got up let my wife sleep 5 a.m. on the west coast and uh I'm feeding her Bob watching TV with her new dad TV shows on the air new baby yes the world rocks or the towers fell and the first thing with my head is my dad's voice well you brought a new life into the world in the world's over nice timing numbnuts and I freaked man I jumped up I'm sorry honey it's the worst tub in the world be born I apologize everything was cool like two weeks ago it would be good cuz ladies I want you to understand something about 9/11 for us men first of all it sucked for everybody but for men ladies we protect to you it's our job we can't stop it but I have never made a man then go 747 coming yeah I got it and I don't have diminish what you ladies do I know pushing out babies is hard September 11th I panicked and tried to put one back much harder my wife was pissed I got kicked in the face like four times what happened man it's been five years they said it was gonna be six months five years oh and these countries that hate us Iran Iraq Syria Afghanistan first of all any country that doesn't listen to their women at all is going down ready okay and you're also not easily manipulated that's right you know why ladies I'll tell you why because you are our conscience that's your job we're men all I'm in man you me all we want to do is the biggest thing we can do I'm going to build the biggest thing ever built and you keep us down you keep it from being too stupid it's your dug to go that's great on it your ambition is incredible before you build the biggest thing young about love I want you to remember that you are still you I'm gonna go watch the World Series of Poker that's your job but those cats in Afghanistan didn't have that you know damn well some woman overheard them planning it too you know they were playing the 911 someone was bringing the food I don't know what they eat over there fried dirt whatever it is I don't know I don't see any corn growing anybody else anybody seen a loose cat running around nothing so she don't hear you guys go near some snacky story of what what you're going to do what is this a drinking game no I think it's a bad idea no don't tell me to shut up okay when you got lost in the desert last year who got your ass to Jalalabad my friend that we made so let me explain what you're going to do now okay and picking up the stick with the nail in it ah shut up now by the way I wouldn't make you some hot food but you'll let me learn to read a [ __ ] recipe book enjoy your cold dirt by the way from the Middle East I'm whitey and I'm not ready to apologize yet I don't know I mean these countries that hate it for some reason the more we bomb them the more they hate us that's because they don't get it I think we need a new plan I think an excellent country ones to take us on and send us any bombs right away listen ever in that country a color television and a satellite dish and give them the basic package 1 HP Oh screw those people and before the war starts we make them sit down and watch ESPN 2 for 24 hours because if you watch ESPN 2 for 24 hours you will understand America a lot better hi we're America we build monster trucks for fun we develop the top Fuel dragsters zero to 330 miles an hour in under five seconds cuz well we were bored piss us off and see what we build and we may feel bad about it later ask Japan but before we feel bad we're gonna Jack you up and then we're gonna send you food because we're America we're schizophrenic don't mess with a nation that needs medication [Applause] what pisses me off about this war the most is that these rich white men that started it did not send their kids they sent your kids and your friends and what is Bush talking about what we have torture centers really compared to who the guys that were fighting to cutting off people's heads with hack saws videotaping it and sending the videotape to the family they call that justice they call it torture when our guys put underwear on a guy's head strip him naked put an egg between his butt cheeks and made him do jumping jacks if it can't get you into a fraternity at Chico State University it's not torture and a big pyramid of naked guys you're just pledging the correct responses sir may I have another Duncan the guy's head in the toilet that's called the swirly you hooked some wash to that toilet that's an electric swirly and not as fun as it sounds frankly and that chick that was pointing at the guys penises and laughing man I used to date chicks like that quit looking at my crotch I get some shows for the troop so I went to I went to I went to Iraq I went to all right got back from Iraq I was in Iraq man where it's cool cuz where I'm goin I've never flown to a gig in an Apache helicopter man that was cool and Apache look this is the baddest ass [ __ ] ever and then there's cobra helicopter these side gunships watching over us I'm like yeah I mean I thought well we could get shot I don't want to be here anymore I want to go to a show I can skateboard too and then I was I was in Fallujah I'm on stage in Fallujah in the book the base is blacked out and we're and then in the show a 350 Marines all got guns with them like dude like during the show so if they heckle I'm just gonna go you're right good boy moving on in the middle of the show I'm like mid Joe Kyle said boom and the building shakes and nobody moves they're like so I just keep going you know I keep doing my toes comes in boom and nobody moves did anybody else hear that and some guy goes don't worry man that's outgoing does that mean there's gonna be incoming cuz I'm gonna need one of those metal hats then I went to I went to Europe to do some stuff for the guys coming back I was in uh I was in England that she perform for the troops England the Damned in England freaking day I'm doing my show in England England security let a man in a Batman suit climbed Buckingham Palace I felt so much safer who was on the gate that David oh boy step through step through step through do it the goatee or I don't like your look empty your pockets take off your shoes Batman go ahead yeah or believe your search is gonna be a bit more intensive oh don't oh la la what go celeb through your superhero in it well how do you know it's not the real Batman Batman was on the wall of Buckingham Palace for five hours yeah that wouldn't happen in America three minutes dead Batman because we have guns here and we use them they don't have guns in England I couldn't get his ass off the wall they got a sticks Batman grabbed into my baton would pull you in Batman you're making us look stupid I can't get him down well maybe I'll need a bigger stick well you meanwhile look at here me sure he's a bloody bad man mad stupid but that's also why they caught their terrorist you guys remember the bus terrace they caught those guys like for weeks because they don't have guns in the country they can put the picture of the tariffs on TV the whole country is looking for them than you they're gonna catch them you can't do that in America you put four pictures of four Middle East looking cats on television in this country and you tell this country go find them yeah you got four thousand dead Middle Eastern people the next day and a couple of Puerto Ricans right look just like him I've been buying gas from him for a while last time about my allows take it to my slim jims I suspected something then I was in Germany I was performing for the first Armored Division I check this out the first ad was in Iraq early they were there twelve months four days and four there was for the ship out they got told they had to stay four more months yeah the only thing I could compare it to as I used to work at Kentucky Fried Chicken is that funny I won that they asked me to stay thirty minutes late on a Friday I know I tore my paper hat punch my assistant manager training right in the face yet you tell the colonel he could eat me so I'm getting ready for the show I'm over that I'm getting ready to the show and here's what I didn't realize I didn't realize how young these kids really were man cuz I made some these soldiers and it was like are you going to war today who's going to worry yeah yes yes you are you got a nice middle head don't you so young kids too young I walked around getting ready and he's for MPS walk up on me and they walked up parson and they're like human trees with babyface and so I was like huh and then walked up serious mister tired of searching there's a tide of service to tie the search shoes mr. Titus sir you can say all you want man I'm not doing push-ups very funny sir sir our sergeant sergeant pepper is a huge fan would you come over me sergeant pepper sir sergeant pepper and then maybe you can induce me to colonel ticket yeah I told Mimi awhile back again sir hilarious sir please come with me sergeant member fine that's gonna be sergeant pepper because I am The Walrus coo coo cachoo let's go so so we started walking across the basin here's where it gets weird cuz these guys are hanging with never just walk with me there's two guys in front of me two guys behind me and they're just two walking in lockstep and I'm between him I like what the hell what did I say cuz two of them are green berets man and they could kill me with a napkin you know I and we don't stop for anything we just haul ass cuz man I'm like what is going on I finally watch that see sergeant pepper and sergeant Pepper's bigger than all these guys and he's got a big mug of beer in his hand cuz we're in Germany and that's what they do except sergeant pepper is in a wheelchair and he's got the top of his arm blown off and both of his eyes got blown out in Iraq I standing next to the wheelchair sergeant pepper's pregnant wife yeah and one of the guy goes Sergeant Pepper comedian Chris retired is standing right here he seems to be hilarious and Sergeant Pepper tones it goes tight-ass dude your show rocked and I want you to know me and my guys appreciate you coming all the way over here performing for us I cannot tell you what it means to us thank you welcome and I don't know what to say and I'm pretty good at finding funny in a dark place I have no fear of that but I had nothing man I'm just a douche I don't know what to do and they're just as weird silence and then one of the guys saved me go start to pepper would you like a picture of you and mr. tights and Sergeant Pepper turns his head and goes who the hell is a picture for and dude I'm on the floor rolling on the grass laughing and the dude who's making fun of himself and after all this stuff and I and my first thought was my god is that who we sent over there is that the kind of heart and care for these kids have because if that's the case world's not coming to an end right now and I had some hope and I went home and let my wife gave birth to our first child for the second time I don't know what you've seen anything at CNN again look at that yeah yeah look at that it's a park and there's a white guy and a black guy an Asian guy and the Latino guy and okay that guy he's Canadian don't worry about him they never affect the world much at all but you see what they're doing hunting that's called praying and they're doing it for each other your daddy's never seen this in his lifetime maybe I was wrong maybe this is the best time to be born cuz that right there that's what it means to be an American and they're praying for peace and if we can have peace that we destroy the people who screwed up the peace so we can have some damn peace I'm gonna teach you how to pray we're gonna go to church oh wait we can't you might get fondled now you're a girl you're safe what is going on end of the world guys supposed to lead us to glory do it with their hands on little kids pants one is up one priest in Boston one dude missed with over a hundred kids a hundred kids yo father groped me it's not an Olympic event how sick is that dude he's up there on Sunday preach you looking at his vestments are tight me swinging that smoky thing shaking it I don't know what the smokey thing is called don't you think if you jonesing for a Boy Scout you have an altar boy monkey on your back you should find a way to stop man go to they'll go to the Home Depot get a sledgehammer kill the urge I feel bad for these priests you know I wish they had I wish they had hope ha ha I always say it like like a God to pray to for guidance or maybe like a book with some rules in it they could read it and don't misunderstand me I believe in God I look at my two kids and I know there's something I was married 15 years God exists I survived three years on the Fox Network there is a God but I don't trust the church anymore and that's sad because they've done good work in the past they fed the hungry they've helped the homeless when it comes to raping little kids they've dropped the ball how do we help the church get their respect back I have a plan pedophile crucifixions it's their idea we're just going old school BC dog I'll tell you what you walk in on Sunday one of those bad priests in hell up there it's gonna change your opinion about the church holy Shh God Wow Oh I'm wearing a tie next week because it comes down to my father said step up or step aside the one thing that church hasn't done a step up and deal with the problem or step aside let the authorities do it and if they did if they just did it and got serious and all of us knew that the second someone laid a hand on the kid rung that guy was gone you know what happened church to be full to the rafters again you know what else what happened pious men of God would show up to be priests to getting great men then with light coming off and see you and on Sunday there would be a great man of God in front he wear those old school guys oh good morning everyone happy Sunday how you feeling today well first of all I'd like to thank the Torelli brothers for taking down the life-size Jay is just a nailing up father Finnegan here I know shut up quit your scream if it's good enough for jazz if it's good enough for you now today we're gonna learn about retribution oh we're gonna sing some songs I want you to think of it as a crucifixion karaoke ah take it like a man oh I'm sorry Gregory I know that's what he said to you don't try oh god Bo and Lee and me on Church okay I'm handling it aren't I and Gregory wipe the tears from your eyes come on do what Jesus would do cowboy up now first of all I like all the little children this bastard mess with the please step forward I love you ho cheese and crackers okay well I hope Satan loves ripping the flesh from your bones and feeding it to the horror hounds a hare your maggot and that reminds me don't forget about the bake sale on Wednesday now I'd like all the children to please form a single-file line because well I've only brought one nail gun I wasn't expecting the overflow and Gregory our first come here right here for let them through the item - there you go boy come here dig the triggers right here what of course you can shoot them wherever you like no don't you be upset this is just you nailing him come on now if I have angered or offended anybody with that piece of material all you have to do is give me the pro raping little kids side of the argument that's what I thought and by the way if you're here tonight thank you [Music] that's great can you guys like you guys hold up hold up no lightning bolt all right we travel there his ashes in a burning ember on stage clap a little bit alright and by the way if you're in here tonight and you're really high up in the church I'm whitey and we're still waiting for our apology I gotta tell you you know what in the last 20 years in this country I believe we have pushed out as a society you guys remember your fathers and grandfathers they've taken the crap we've been taking last 10 years hell no fight I got mess with the church and my father found out about it papers would have read a lot different it wouldn't have said priests need counseling it might have said massacre in church cuz my father had an on/off switch that's all he had man I'm a light a candle for before I go remember those guys we need to be those guys man my father was insane my father invented road rage wasn't first guy to get mad in the car but he was the first guy to get mad enough to make the paper oh yeah this happened I was 6 years old there was a time before car seats when if you a little kid you got in a car accident you just bounced around the interior until you hooked the door handle my father picked me up from school my dad 6:4 three-piece suit sales we're driving home and this kidness and Paul is just messing with him trying to run him off the road flipping mop screaming at him and my father handle it pretty well I knew he started to get pissed though cuz he put down his beer and he pulls over these railroad tracks and he stops and the kids screech sit behind him he's flipping him off yelling at him and I'm I'm now standing on the passenger seat looking at the back window cuz I know there's gonna be a Joe my father didn't say word just get out of the car walk back to the kid in the Impala who was dumb enough to leave his window down not my father's fault and he's seen he's still swearing at my dad who's six four luminoled room and I could see what the kids saying cuz I could lip-read swear words when I was a fetus because of my father but the kid only gets half the word out he goes mother my dad goes Wow and I'm six here's what I so here's a kid's dashboard all I saw was mother and he never came back up man it was just an abandoned vehicle it's just me and my father didn't say a word he just kind of checked his work got back in the car when sit your ass down and we went and got ice cream here is the most sentimental my father beocca these guys weren't big on sentiment my father had a bunch of heart attacks I think he was going for the record they have just fourth heart attack and sat me down he said look I've had four heart attacks my body can probably only take three more so when I go there's some things I want you to handle cuz I'm a man now right no cuz I don't tell you now you'll screw it up when I'm dead I want to be buried in the cardboard box what shut up or I'll flip this in your other eye cardboard box when we take the box once you put it in front of the audience at the funeral ho ho ho hold up dad did you just call it the audience are you gonna charge a cover what do you think we could get hey ladies get in free now I want to leave the lid of the box open I want you to let everybody why pissed off in my life step up and take a piss right on me what kind of music do you want with that dad blue-eyes crying in the rain by Willie Nelson okay that let me get this straight so I don't screw it up while we're at your funeral and it's ladies night [Applause] what your friends are urinating on your course you want me to play a song with the word rain actually in the title now you're getting it numbnuts snap to the funeral I'll bury next to Grandpa shut up I don't want to be buried next lunch of dead people especially my father I want to be cremated then we take the ashes don't you put them in a douche bottle find a hooker and run me through one more time on my children I did not write that I am repeating it and it's one of those things when you hear it you go Oh disgusting yet whimsical we had New Year's dinner with him a couple years ago and at this point my dad's live my dad has had six heart attacks at dinner orders himself a 24-ounce prime rib and I'm a grown man I couldn't even talk I want more what the kid you know what and he looks and wife and he goes California Public Schools can you translate and by the way if he goes first I'm gonna be all over you dad what my doctorate HMOs that I could eat as much fat and crap as I want it makes my heart work harder makes you stronger oh that logic dad let's put some cheese on it and after dessert I will punch you in the aorta so the show is going while I bought myself a gift I bought myself a Dodge Viper cool car except we were going through the snow yeah so you can't take a Viper in the snow I only had to learn that one time so I said don't ye take the BAI from for a couple weeks enjoy it send it back to LA when you're done so as well make sure you put a 450 horsepower vehicle in the hands of a terminal heart patient I'm a [ __ ] threw up to the camera at the captain for four days on the morning of fourth day 7:00 a.m. I get a phone call and this is verbatim how I hear my father passed I pick the phone guy goes mr. Titus Newark Police Department your dad's dead kind of hard shouldn't it and I know a lot of comedians and it sounded so weird the way he said it I went okay Parker who is it sir it's Nick please run when your dad's dead don't call me [ __ ] and although we had been expecting it for a long time you are never ready for something like this and my brain kind of snapped and I went into denial and I said poke him and there's this really long pause and the cop says excuse me and I said poke him he could be [ __ ] with you and there's a much longer pause sir we've poked him he's not [ __ ] with us and then I said something that sounded so wrong and I did not mean it in the way it sounded I said he's a Viper okay cuz I thought I'd given him the death car I thought he flew off a cliff I wrapped around a tree I thought it was my fault but the cop didn't hear that part of it goes sir your car is fine again it's your dad that's dead shall I poke the car sir so I gather he bud at my head down the mountain I have to admit this I had mixed emotions but although my dad and I fought his whole life the last five years of his life we were best friends I was sad I was also really pissed because he knew damn well I couldn't get the deposit back on the ski condo I rent him for the week you know it was like it's final fu to me well your dad's got a terminal heart problem and you're going to no skin not for long so I show up at the house the whole family's here and I'm the oldest kid I got to plan the funeral so I go down to the funeral home but I take my brother my sister my sister Shannon is here my brother dates here and sit in front of the funeral and I guys office me up they have so or they make so much money man the guys I'm sitting from $8,000 mahogany desk guy's got a $3,000 to $85 haircut perfect funeral guy he goes mr. Tyler we are so sorry for your loss did your father have any specific wishes on how he wanted to go and I look at my system before I can say a word she goes you tell him and the man knows I have a TV show so showing the most expensive caskets they make he showed me I'm not making this up a $17,000 platinum casket with a DVD player in it yeah it's in the viewing lid there's a sort of those headrest screens you can slide a DVD and play a tribute video to the person actually in the casket and all I can think is my god man my family's gonna so fight over that DVD player I said no that's nice but my dad didn't want to be buried in something metal or wood do you have something corrugated pardon me sir cardboard er excuse me cardboard my father said he want to be burying the cardboard box and the man had obviously never heard this sentence before her man cuz his face went into like epileptic seizure frankly it looked like he tasted but mags he with and my brother Dave tries to help but then goes hey hey not like refrigerator box something nice and my sister lose it and you ever tell somebody something you ever tell somebody something they didn't want to hear so they decide that you didn't see it he just pushes the expensive casket because I takes out the Walmart cast what starts flipping through that one I'm going no no no we get down to the cheapest cash game by which is basically a slat crate with Home Depot burned in the side of it and I got pissed I said look my father said he wanted to be buried in a cardboard box then we'll talk about the cover charge and he slanted we're getting a sign I can give you a rental casket which my brother Dave says who brought it back which is a genius question by the way but the guy gets the but tasting look on his face again and he goes no we have two caskets for situations like these looking at me like cheapest bastard in the room well the end of the casket opens up we take your father put him in a cardboard liner slide him in and close the end on him so now my dad's in this huge PEZ dispenser great and we had the funeral and my dad's best friend Bob said to me Titus that was the best of what worst funeral I've ever been to cuz number one standing royally packed to the walls we made about $2,000 on the door and everyone got up and talking on a story about my dad not some BS this was the greatest man ever here's one of the stories they still go houseboating every year and now they we do is drink all day with a bunch of firemen buddies my dad hung on was firemen because he smoked in bed they would get hammered sleep on top of the house but at night and during night set up peeing in the boat you know in the head they would just pee up the top into the lake well one night my dad gets up eight times hammered steps on everybody he's off the boat like eight times and they get the next morning the Okumura and peeing all night my father had been peeing off the top of the houseboat into the driver's seat of his home bo has a beautiful story and beautiful and there was ten stories like that man so here's the funeral hysterical after weeping hysterical after weeping and it was beautiful and offensive and perfect and I believe illegal and then it was over and everybody went home and it was just me and my dad so I peed on him but now I'm freaked out because I got to find a hooker you know and if I'm asking the normal stuff it's already gonna be weird but I'm getting out of the Cardinale you know I got the whole family getting out behind me everybody's crying I've got an urn and a duke's bottle Lola is it yeah we want something a little freaky and I couldn't to go through it I call my brothers since we had a no douche meeting I said I'm not doing this so he came with a compromise could be stolen honor my father right so here's what we did we took avinash's spread them at various victoria secret dressing rooms around the country the rest of his Ashley the Caesars Palace in Lake Tahoe Nevada cuz my dad was a huge gambling he's one of those dads had a little quarter jug he'd filled with courtesan top we got the top he take his little jug to the casino you know and then you take like 10 grand out of the bank and casinos have a lot of rules one of the rules is not do not spread your father's ashes amongst the casino Patriots so my brother my sister and I walk into Caesars Palace 7:00 p.m. Saturday evening pockets full of day and I walked to the back of the casino I get I'll that goes all the way across and I start walking down I start flipping out my father Amazing Grace how sweet the sound ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding seven like me and I get to the end of the aisle thinking nobody saw I'm cool I look back I'm leaving a contrail of smoke behind me like I'm a jeep going across the Kalahari Desert man and the whole casino is kind of looking at me and I have a TV show on the air at the time was that Titus is he on fire what distracts them is my sister Shannon who's way crazier than me she takes a handful of my father walks to a packed blackjack table and goes magic dust and now does this cloud kind of hang it and the pit bosses start walking over I'm just [ __ ] with the carpet man I don't know what to do man I'm froze I'm freaking out man and this is the weirdest thing I've ever been involved in I've been involved in some pretty weird [ __ ] man and I couldn't move I thought I was having a stroke of my heart was pounded and I'll sound went away and I swear to you the only thing I could hear is my father hysterically laughing and I knew he was there because if the cloud settled the parts of him dropped into people's drinks he gave me signs the dealer was right in front of me put a black deck and a whole table lost oh my god he's here right now that's what happened to him every time that's why I went to Community College worst part of my dad dying two weeks before he died my wife told him she was pregnant with our daughter yeah nice timing numbnuts dad what did you say my whole life huh you better not have a kid you're a [ __ ] you'd probably kill it no didn't feed the dog when you were seven that's gonna happen your kid you're gonna need grand ball around to raise a kid Curnutt turn that kid into an adult isn't that right and what happened huh what else you stuff up my ass my whole life huh step up or step aside right step up or step aside and what happened huh world's coming apart I got two little kids and you're not here you stepped aside that means I got a step funny okay smartass Kenny come here grandpa wants me to tell you something come here little one give me a bit commit listen look I'm just your dad okay I'm not a superhero I can't even climb Buckingham Palace and I can't stop some idiot from crashing an airplane into a building and blowing up a bus I can only be your dad and give you a few pure truths number one duct tape will save your life number two Tupac is alive but I need you to keep that on the DL because the Suge number three and this is the most important one don't be afraid of anything except for the television news because they're lying to you every night and don't be afraid of failure be like your father I don't fail I succeeded finding what doesn't work the middle one don't be afraid the world's gonna come to an end you can't cuz you're here now and I promise I'm gonna get up everyday and on the fight to make sure you have as many birthdays as you're supposed to have but I'm gonna need you to get up and fight with me okay okay daddy it's all [Applause] thank you guys [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Music]

Channel: christophertitustv

Views: 1,938,072

Rating: 4.737576 out of 5

Keywords: Christopher Titus, Comedy, Hilarious, Funny, Full Show, Angry Pursuit of Happiness, Love is Evol, Born With A Defect, Norman Rockwell is Bleeding, Comedian

Id: gD334CBFoqU

Length: 84min 38sec (5078 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 11 2017

Reddit Comments

[u/TheHatedMilkMachine]

I’ve never laughed at anything he’s said but I’m gonna try again

[u/YodelingEinstein]

Always upvote Titus. One of the hardest working comedians in the business.

[u/TheBelleOfTheBrawl]

His specials got me into comedy, will always be my all time favorite.

[u/innovatemylife]

God this man puts out some incredibly good stuff.

[u/PapiGrande7]

Saw him in Chicago recently. He is more of a one man show... If you see him with that expectation, you'll enjoy much more. I enjoyed the shit out of his show.

[u/Letra5]

I loved his show, but I never did any research into his comedy.

Any suggestions?

[u/elreydelasur]

he always struck me as more of a one-man performer than a stand up, but the material he puts out is fantastic and I love it.