Best Practical Joke (uncensored)

my buddy asked me to throw him a bachelor party right and so um so there's a bunch of this um that that if you haven't seen it live you haven't seen most of uh the worst things that happened to my friend so he asked me to throw the bachelor party i said no and i said no because i know me and i know that if you ask me to do something seriously for you i'm not god like as soon as he asked me i was like well i'm gonna [ __ ] i'm gonna [ __ ] him up i'm gonna might do something terrible to him you know and he's i said you don't want me to do this dude you just don't want me to i'm gonna [ __ ] up your day he goes nah man you've been to vegas more than any of us just plan the party and get the girl i said all right so i i did get him a girl from the end of the party and one thing by the way that nobody i haven't talked about is i did get him a girl there was a girl in the hotel room waiting for him for the end but when i told him i go you got to go in that other room he didn't trust me to go because i had just unleashed the fury on him you know what i mean so so um the black dance went to somebody else uh ah i was like oh i can't let it go to waste i mean [ __ ] you know so i said all right i'll get you the girl man but i wanted something that entertained me at the top of the store at the top of the party and what entertains me is weird [ __ ] guys i like weird i like weird [ __ ] weird [ __ ] makes me laugh where did i think i could find something weird for him i went on craigslist in vegas and i was just looking through it and oh there's so many good weird things on craigslist i'm scrolling through and i'm scrolling through and i pass all the sex stuff and i land on the weird and the weird was three words and her phone number and the advertisement just said i'll wrestle you and i was like [ __ ] yeah you will that at least deserves a phone call you know so i call her on the phone now on the phone she told me she was six foot 250. on the phone and um she told me that her skill set is she comes to your house she gets naked and she beats the [ __ ] out of you for a little while [Laughter] yeah i was like well what time can you get here [Applause] and so she asked me by the way she did ask me she goes you want me to send you a picture i go oh you painted a pretty good picture i know who's coming over you don't need to validate yourself all you said is six with 250 and after that it was like right now so she shows up at the hotel and i'm the only one there now here's the first thing my friend never wanted me to tell you ready for this first thing you ever wanted to tell you is when i opened the door six foot was real 250 not real she was deep into the threes deep deep deep into the threes and i asked her i go hey how come you didn't tell me you were over 250 pounds and she said well i didn't want to scare you away and i told her i go i just so you know for the future of your business anybody who's calling about 250 isn't scared of 300. you could you could charge me extra is all i'm saying but i mean you should be charging by the pound but i'm not your manager so and so she was holding a foot long sub and 24 buffalo wings she just waved them at me and she goes you got a room where i could go fuel up before the match and i was like first of all [ __ ] yes i do it's right from there actually i said second of all you should know that the person you're wrestling today doesn't know there's gonna be a match i don't know if that changes your professional approach at all but i thought you should know right so she goes off into her room to eat i'm assuming and uh my buddy comes over and he's sitting down on the stool and i got him blindfolded and here are a couple other things that he never wanted me to tell you he's the square square i've ever met in my life he's marrying his high school sweetheart he's never seen another woman naked before guys do you understand this is only the second naked body he will ever have seen in his life oh he's gotta [ __ ] him up right i can't wait you know what i mean he sent me a text two weeks before the party that just said do all boobs feel the same and i was like oh my god i can't wait for this [ __ ] party and he told me he was ready and i said cool and i call her out now none of my other friends knew what i had planned so when she walked out of that room naked collectively they were like [Music] [Applause] and as you get closer i can see that she still had buffalo wings i just gotta get her napkin but i was like man your face is so funny so my buddy is sitting there and here's the thing he's not a big dude he's five eight 140 if he's wearing a lot of [ __ ] clothes like he's a tiny dude man and he was but he was so excited there was a naked woman standing in front of him his hands were shaking and he was like oh i'm so excited and i was like huh me too hey guys i just sit back and i was looking at him for a second both of them my buddy 5 8 140 blindfolded trembling like a leaf on a stool standing in front of him naked six foot deep into the threes and i'm just looking at the two of them and i'm thinking to myself this was a good purchase buyer's remorse on this purchase like i am already a hundred percent i have three kids this is already the best night of my [ __ ] life like but i've known this dude forever man so i lean into him i go man this one make sure we're cool uh i know you're marrying your high school sweetheart and your life partner but you've got a naked woman standing in front of you do you want me to send her home and he gets serious he goes you better not and i said well just remember you said that and let's get started you know and i take off his blindfold and the only word he could get out of his mouth before she ripped him out of his chair was why like that right [Applause] and she yanked him up in the air and his little feet were dangling in the air she started tossing around like a room like a rag doll and i was like she would jump on top of him and he had to push her fat out of his face to talk to us he was like tell him to stop how long is she gonna be here i can't breathe why does she smell like buffalo wing sauce all right at one point in time she had her knees on his elbows pinning him down to the ground and she was just beating him in the face with her titties just [Music] and these aren't five foot two 110 pound big big titties this is six foot deep into the threes just that's how big her titties were they made that noise through the air just it was like being hit with a tint missile just you know what it sounded like it sounded like if you closed your eyes it sounded like a titty pterodactyl just you know you know like in the rocky movies when he hit by a punch and his whole face would go oh one titty was like right so look if you've seen the video online you it cuts right now to me talking about him her standing here and him standing here matt so what he never let me tell you is why he was so mad so i will tell you so she stands up to take a rest he's on his knees here's a couple things you need to know that have been happening all night that he obviously never wanted me to tell you first of all she's been undressing him so at this point of the night he's wearing boxers one sock oh it's been a rough night for my man you know what i mean it's not been a good time for him you know so here's another thing by the way you have to know how much i love this woman we all went out and got [ __ ] up after the party she was amazing guys let me tell you how much of a gangster this woman was one of my buddies got so drunk he couldn't walk out of the bar she picked him up over the shoulder fireman carried him out of the [ __ ] bar and let me tell you why she was so good you know how you're kind of bouncy when you're getting firemen carried right he's bouncing balancing and at one point he just looks up and she goes he just looks up and goes i think she just farted in my face right she didn't miss a beat she just goes that's right [ __ ] like that just what i was like i love this woman you know but so the other thing i really liked about her is that she was really passionate about her job i like people who like what they do and she paid attention to detail how did i know that so her one sock leaving that on was important to her that was attention to detail that was her way of telling him hey you don't get to decide [ __ ] tonight because he hated that one sock he hated it because he could never get his footing he always slipped when he tried to brace himself right so he hated it so he kept taking it off and throwing it across the room but every time he did she would walk over and pick it up sit on his chest and put that [ __ ] back on him like a [ __ ] every time she did there's a little tear that came to my eye i'm like i love you so much guys he was head to toe sweat she had been beating the [ __ ] out of him for 20 or 25 minutes and i know a lot of people think that's hyperbole when i say it it is not she was noticeably bigger more than twice his size she was legitimately way stronger than him and here's how you can tell someone is stronger than another human being because there were parts of the night and this still makes me laugh when i think about it there were parts of the night where she would the visual is great where she would just grab him by the shoulders and this how you could tell she was stronger than she was just grabbing by the shoulders and just [ __ ] shaking and his whole body just you know what he looked like he looked like you don't you know those uh wind socks out in front of a tire store that he it looked like he didn't have any bones in his little body she was just [ __ ] him up you know what i mean i was like oh she's gonna rearrange his organs like he's in trouble you know he was breathing like this because every time she got him on the ground she would smother him with her gigantic boobs and i guess he couldn't breathe because when she moved his boobs his head would pop up like this like he'd been under water for 20 minutes just right so she's standing here she just [ __ ] him up and he goes to crawl off the floor he didn't get up and walk this dude has no energy for that he's crawling off the floor and she's standing on the other side of the room and she gave him uh what i like to call five feet of hope because he really thought he was about to get away you know what i mean and she just took like two giant strides [Music] grabbed him by the ankle looked at all of us and just went she was so much stronger than both of his legs popped up in the air right bam he landed on the ground and she starts to slowly drag him back to the middle of the room guys he doesn't want any card in the middle the middle of the room is where the bad [ __ ] happens you know what i mean that is his sunken space my man does not want any part of the middle of the room you know what i mean and he's grabbing at things but she just keeps yanking him along and by the way when she was dragging him slowly like a caveman she was eyeballing all of us yo i was like i'm kind of hard right now i'm scared and aroused at the same time i don't know what's happening to me she brings him back to the middle of the room and here's you'll know why he never wanted to tell the story she brings it back in the middle of the room she picks him up by the ankle with this hand and with this hand checks the oil finger in the [ __ ] right a finger that we found out later still had buffalo wing sauce on it yeah that's why he was so mad it makes a lot more sense now right yo my man snapped he was just sitting there and you know when you've seen your buddy snap you they just go dead face he was just like and he just looks at her and he goes i'm gonna [ __ ] you up she wasn't even nervous she wasn't scared she just been beating this little dude up for almost a half an hour you know what i mean she just digitally raped him she's got no problems with this dude you know and he makes the threat and she just goes and he runs right at it and screams at the top of his lungs i'm gonna take you down right and he takes off and just starts sprinting she's just kind of standing there and he ran into her with everything he had and by the way great form title head up shoulder in it made that loud slap because they were both sure this you know it was amazing and he hit her hard and he tried to take her down and i'm going to tell you something right now he did not it happened exactly the way all of you were picturing it because when his little body hit hers she just absorbed him for a second you know he even disappeared i was like hey where the [ __ ] did he go and then she just pooped shot him out of her belly just boom and he slid on the floor and my friend ran up to him and was like that just [ __ ] happened to you and i turned to her let her go home guys she starts dancing like this and i'm like oh the night's not over she told me later the night would have been over but he challenged me nobody challenges me and i was like oh [ __ ] so she she's standing there she goes you want to see my finishing move you want me to finish them and i was like if i had known the finishing move was on the menu i'd ordered that [ __ ] at the beginning of the party are you kidding you've got a finishing move let's see that right so she's standing next to him she goes finishing move and we go yeah she wants that finishing movement yeah she was finishing move and we go yeah and then she just sat on his head and we went [Applause] guys this dude's head disappeared all you could see were his tiny arms slapping her back it was the craziest thing i've ever seen it was like a reverse birth it was [ __ ] up right [Applause] now a couple other things so i run into his dad and by the way this is when you know you've pulled a good practice good practical jokes or any jokes to continue to pay dividends for you long after your jokes so i run into his dad about a month and a half after the party two weeks before the wedding and um he goes to me and goes hey you're not coming to the way i was uninvited to the wedding by the way uh totally worth it so i would trade a friend today for a story like that [ __ ] him um i gotta show you how he undervited me this is my favorite part of the story this is my favorite part of the story this is how he invited me we're still at the party she had just gotten off of him oh man and he stands you're not coming to the wedding [Applause] okay i'm going to tell you something else and this this this never gets told all right so he developed a nickname that night i'm part of the being a storyteller is answering your own [ __ ] questions so if you shut up for a second i will get to it i know you're annoying me from up here i can only imagine what's happening to the people you're sitting next to but if it was earlier in the show i'd address it but i'm like i'm gonna be out of here in 10 minutes so she'll just annoy those people too okay so here is this is the nickname okay so he gets up and um he's walking out of the living room to go into the bathroom to hang himself on the side and my friend i have a friend of mine who was there and he's one of the darkest he has one of the darkest sense of humors which is one of the reasons that i think you know he's one of my dear friends and um but he was sitting there and i knew he had something up the sleeve because he he got a little smile on his face when my buddy was walking up to him so my buddy's walking up to him and this is the nickname he got he goes damn man you look like a glazed donut [Applause] [Applause] so i wasn't invited to the wedding but i made all the groomsmen glazed doughnut t-shirts right and when he was walking down the aisle they all just gave him up [Applause] and then his mom the week after the wedding called me and was like do you have any extra of those cute gloves donut t-shirts she goes i love glazed doughnuts i'm like yes so does your son oh i got her one for every day of the week my buddy called me he was like my mom loves that [ __ ] t-shirt man but anyways his dad goes uh you're not coming to the wedding i go now and he said why that and i said oh tim didn't tell you and he goes no is there a story and i go do you have a couple minutes sit up sit down [Applause] and then his dad used that story as his best man speech the what [Applause] and i asked him i go hey why would you do that to your son and he goes tim shouldn't have been such a [ __ ] [Music] [Music] you

Channel: Josh Wolf

Views: 1,324,663

Keywords: Josh Wolf, comedy, stand-up, stand up, stand-up comedy, stand up comedy, comedy clips, comedy show, comedian, funny, laugh, father, son, weird, comedy special, best comedian, funniest comedian, top comedian

Id: VpDHMhrxVus

Length: 21min 17sec (1277 seconds)

Published: Thu Sep 03 2020