Hispanic Parenting Fails - Dennis Gaxiola - Full special

a Mexican mom doesn't give statistics she doesn't give facts she'll just give examples you're gonna dip like your cousin Lupin if I have six kids five boys one girl my daughter is my daughter is 15 she's beautiful straight-a student made varsity cheerleader as a sophomore the boys are knocking at the door now what's the right age let her die to date let her date 16 no I don't like you I need a dad the dad what's the right age let my daughter date there's no it's a good answer and there's not in the right age I told her 33 said Jesus never went on a date if you outlive the Lord [Applause] my dad was a preacher and I found out at 12 years old it didn't pay to be funny my dad would go from church to church preaching and I was take one of us kids with him and I'm sitting in the front row this big church five hundred people on a Sunday morning and before my dad starts to preach he surprises me mijo stand up and tell the church something about yourself I'm 12 I'm scared I got a good life I live at home with my mom and dad what is what am I going to testify about but I stood up my sense of humor kicked in and I faced the congregation and said my name is Dennis and I'm an alcoholic oops wrong girl [Music] it's a good joke for the Drybar everybody thinks he grew up in a preacher's home in a good home everything's perfect now my mom and dad get into disagreements but my mom got upset my mom was half Mexican half auto Rican my dad never wanted to lose his temper when he was having to deal with my mom one morning it was Saturday we were going fishing early in the morning and my mom started getting on my dad's case about getting some chores done around the house and whenever he got upset he would just throw out a scripture or biblical principle do not try this at home she started getting on his case he looked at her and said Ye without sin cast the first stone that's the wrong thing to say to a half Mexican half Puerto Rican woman when he said Ye without sin cast the first stone she was like jesus is my rock I'm sanctified and busted him upside the head I got more jokes I'm just looking at you guys we parent different I don't buy into the politically correct mentality that we're all the same who's tired of the whole politically correct mentality where you can't if you want to see politically correct comedy you need to go see a non-smoking drug free vegetarian bisexual handicapped Native American senior citizen female that drives her electric car to a job at the recycling plant [Applause] I'm not the one we do things different I don't bind to the height for all the same to say that we're all the same we're all equal but to say we're all the same denies God's creation as far as I'm concerned he'd know what he was doing he made this all a little bit different look how we parent each ethnic group does a little bit different no one gives better parental advice than my white brothers and sisters you guys give statistics and facts you guys have flyers on the refrigerator is beautiful just say no Billy a Mexican mom doesn't give statistics she doesn't give us facts she'll just give examples you're going to end up like your cousin Lupe some cultures you could talk back to your mom if you grew up in a Latino home you cannot talk back to your mother you let your kids start back to you they talk back to you and you let him live I mean let him get away with it I remember I thought I was old enough to talk back to my mom she whooped me and grounded me for two weeks had to call my wife let her know I couldn't come home baby mom is tripping nice crap so I recently turned 40 thank you 10 years ago and over 40 wave a hand if you're over 40 wave a hand okay now if you're not 40 you're gonna think this is a joke but if you're over 40 you know I'm telling the truth because you start going through things when you cross 40 that you don't grow through in your 30s and 20s a couple weeks ago I got hurt sleeping anybody anybody not jumping out of bed while I slept I pulled a muscle I'm limping around my house the whole day I didn't know what happened I couldn't remember then then then it hit me it I got that cramp who gets the cramp in the middle of night the cramp in the calf came time for me to take my nap but I was scared I'm not in good enough shape to sleep so of course I made that new year's resolution to work out I went to the doctor though I said you know I wanted a workout plan he told me to start with 25 crunches a day I said man that's a lot of chocolate I'm up to 12 bars a day now I'm feeling better but my diabetes is out of control right now I wore black tonight ladies know that secret black makes you look thinner I think it's trucs often see chubby white women with black boyfriends [Applause] just see how far I could go with you guys don't go too far pocket oh now this is small for Latino standards but this is the biggest I've ever been I was the runt of a high school 3000 kids I went to Berkeley high I was 5 foot 2 and 75 pounds my freshman year I was now I'm almost 200 and I went to a family party and my cousin box up to me and he slaps me on my stuff and goes what happened I got older you were fat when we were 12 I'm just glad they didn't have that booster seat law back then imagine me going to the prom that means that all buckled up you know you're beautiful Jamia mom so I've been married 21 years three wives three wives butter I'm good at it man I just did a show with the couple that had been married for 62 years and I asked him right from the stage say how have you stayed married that long and the husband said we haven't spoke since Vietnam now I just remarried my first wife after 23 years apart we got remarried and I had to go see the counselor at church to find out you want to know why we wanted to get remarried and I said because I miss half my stuff no the hardest part about breaking up because we were childhood sweethearts then we broke up the hardest part was the custody battle we are right there in court arguing you take them no you take her [Laughter] some of your laughing the rest of you were praying for me so I just finished a twelve based tour for the air force they sent me out to do 12 shows across the country for the air force it was awesome going back and performance I was in the air force myself so it's awesome to go back let me do a check right here with room how many military veterans we have tonight clap your hands if you're the military veterans all right okay let's do a room check where the army veterans that army give it up for the army over there [Applause] Marine Corps where are the Marines have any Marines here no no no everybody stays still what watch once a marine always a marine they don't know when the war ends I have no marine jokes where's the Navy yet anybody from the Navy anybody serving than anybody shop at Old Navy and the Air Force who's in the airforce with me right over here give it up over there we were this close to being in the military you don't realize how tough you aren't when you're in the Air Force until you get out and you have to go to the VA to be with all the other veterans I see a marine limp body goes Vietnam took a bullet I see an army soldier go buy golf flourish rap metal I'm standing there at the wrist brace I still wanted to act like I was tough I was like US Air Force carpal tunnel email oh five I'm better now so I go out leagues 12:12 air force bases one of the bases was so far into Texas that the nearest airport was in Mexico they said we could fly to Mexico or drive six hours across Texas to go to this base I said I'm not flying into Mexico I know who won the election you're not getting rid of me like that [Applause] so we drove from San Antonio to base all the way out by the border and an hour away from the base we get stopped by an immigration checkpoint me and two other comedians I'm driving the rental car pull over at an immigration checkpoint and I quote the immigration officer he walks up to the car and says our Jew oh joy citizen like arduous unison [Laughter] [Music] and then we're in Albuquerque New Mexico when we're performing at a base where we got there they briefed us about how top-secret this base was but they had the hot air balloon festival going on and hot air balloons were accidentally floating over the base and landing and I witnessed this and the military police were very nice they just escorted them right off the base I saw this happen and I called my uncle in Mexico I said there's a new way to get in they can't build a wall big enough for this one oh that would make him mad huh we've had hot air balloons what do you mean they're floating over the wall [Applause] we're gonna tax the air we're gonna tax there I'm not left-wing I'm not right-wing you know I get my political views from my grandfather very wise old man from thought early on Mexico I went to my grandpa one day said grandpa what do you think about a woman's right to choose he said mijo I think everyone should wear choose I grew up poor I'm not ashamed to say I grew up or anybody grew up poor nothing wrong with growing up in poverty you learn things when you're poor he would not know if you had money when I was seven years old the family car was a 1965 Chevy Impala that was not a lowrider on purpose we had a big family and a hoopty there we're not something about a hoopty he's to call the jalopy they caught her whooping now this car had no reverse because the transmission was messed up he couldn't make a left turn because the steering column was messed up can you cannot make up jokes like this all right this is a testimony right now I was seven years old when we had this hoop - you couldn't even make a left turn in but at the age of seven I already knew that three rights equal two left rich kids didn't know that my teachers thought I was advanced you'd want to ask my dad for directions he black okay man you make a right you make a right you make a right and you'll be all right [Music] we were poor for dinner all we had was helper no hamburger just just the helper you know it's hard to travel you know that right it's hard to travel and be a good person anybody experienced that when you trying your best to be nice and friendly but the flight in today I'm on the window-seat the plane was packed and it's not the man's fault he's a big man to see this little but he had to sit right next to me he's pouring into my seat it's not his fault but before we even get in the air he falls asleep and by the time went up in the air he's snoring and his head is on my shoulder he's dead asleep and I started elbowing him to get me get him off of me and then I heard in my heart what would Jesus do man I didn't know Jesus flew Southwest kept hearing what would Jesus do that I thought about it I was like man Jesus raised the dead so I looked at the innocent wait we got up I do all these jokes about being Mexican and I'm a grandpa where the grandpa's at where the grandfathers at yeah Greg yeah yeah grandsons from your son from your daughter for me son they're gonna carry your name on I have two grandsons a second son gave me two grandsons but his wife is Irish Italian I got Nico and Nolan they got my last name but they're blue-eyed freckle-faced little boys I can't even take them to the mall by myself without an Amber Alert going off all right I'm going to do an impression for you guys I can't do characters or other people you know I got a high pitched squeaky voice I know that I still get called ma'am on the phone I called my friend up my friends named Jeff Jeff happens to be black his daughter answered the phone I said could I speak to Jeff she said hold on grandma so he that I sound like a little old black lady Jeff's mom sounds like a little Mexican comedian but I'm working on a new impression now I'm gonna debut it for this special right here I don't know if you guys are ready for this one this is my impression of a Latino proposal are you gonna keep it [Applause] you guys some of you were laughing some of you were doing signs of the Cross and I said all right same joke with a different twist this is my impression of a black proposal in the case of eighteen-month-old Jamil you are the father I told you tol Lu you can spelled it both ways I have one more impression for you guys this one almost got me beat up this is not about the friendly kind compassionate loving god-fearing people of Provo Utah I was two hours north of Sacramento California at a Native American casino one night a month they do comedy there 700 Cowboys no Indians I did the Latino proposals they laughed I did the black proposal they laughed so I thought these were some really cool good old boys and I did this impression once again this is not about the friendly people that are here tonight this is my impression of a redneck proposal don't tell Mom 700 people nobody laughed the dude sitting right next to the stage jumps up because that aint funny it wants to fight the other side bro sit down man he's about my age and said man will have a heart attack before we land the punch just sit down but he keeps going insecurities came and they grabbed him and they taking him out of the theater and he goes I'll see you after the show he just threatened me bastard have to be funny so I said the first thing that came to my mind how you gonna catch me I'm in a Mercedes you have a trailer that's what security was like that's enough Paco how I turned into Paco for her we said there are these jokes about being Mexican I'm not fluent in Spanish that was at a show and I mentioned that one time in this lady that's like a big inslaw in the Latino cultures if you're not fluent you're fluent in Spanish but if you don't honey I get mad at you and this lady said oh you're a sellout you're not a real Mexican oh yeah here's how Mexican I am my youngest son when he was born he was already an uncle you don't get any more than that right people get nervous we joke about race act like race is the biggest problem in America I think that's the media the media wants to divide us got travel around the country go to rooms of all different colors people and we all laugh together the media does a really good job acting like we can't get along we have problems but our problems are nothing compared to other parts of the world where they hate each other so much they'll put a bomb on their own body to kill themselves and their enemies over ethnic and religious differences you'll never see that in America you'll never see a redneck get on the bus in Oakland California and go in the name of a KKK [Applause] all right men don't cross your arms on that joke right there huh have a real mixed family I got a black brother-in-law Jewish brother-in-law Puerto Rican sister-in-law my wife's Puerto Rican but not other combinations work out perfectly you know my nephew's Mexican and Jewish he wants to get a car but he's not sure if he should steal it or buy it wholesale he plays soccer than he and he goes to an inner-city school in California he's the only player I go to one game cuz his dad is sick so I go to the game with him the uncle will be there with you two soccer teams he's the only kid on the field that is not 100% Mexican and he's getting ready to go in the game and he's stretching and I try to make him laugh and relax I'll go up to the fence and they yell do can do it one of the parents sitting behind me goes Jess chuka I don't speak Spanish like I said I I'm still proud of my culture nothing wrong everybody should be proud of their own culture there's nothing wrong with having some tribal pride all right I have those moments where just bursts out of me like from my birthday last year my sister gave me a card to Starbucks I don't even drink coffee that much but I went nobody in Starbucks and there was a long line nobody was ordering coffee everybody's ordering fancy dreams and I felt so out of place the lady right in front of me when it was her turn she ordered a soy vanilla latte now it's my turn to order and I'm looking at the menu and I'm nervous and I saw they had a spicy mocha so I was like let me get a soy spicy mocha then when they called my drink at the end of the coffee bar the girl was like soy spicy mocha and I had a burst of Latino pride and I was like so many gamma if you're not laughing you didn't pay attention in Spanish class I'm trying to grow my beard so I think I look more like my dad but my mom was like you look like your grandma he met her tears over there I get my sense of humor from my mom my mom was funny than even know she was funny he know anybody like that there's naturally funny they don't try to be funny for my mom's birthday a few years ago we took her to dinner and then we took her to see the movie Passion of the Christ how many people saw the movie Passion of the Christ if some of you did I don't want to ruin the ending he doesn't make it three days later sequel we took my mom to see Passion of the Christ and we got kicked out the theater y'all hard it is to get kicked out of a movie when it's a good clean wholesome movie we got kicked out cuz through the whole movie my mom was screaming right and Jesus rang don't get churchy on me that's a good joke so how many years married 15 anybody got 15 beat who's got more than 15 anybody got 30 any 30 30 right how many sir give them a round of applause now all the marriage couple especially to the women I want to help y'all this lie that goes around and says men don't communicate ladies we communicate just not with you because we know if we say the wrong thing it doesn't ruin that moment it could ruin a whole period of time I'll prove it to you I had a golf trip planned with my uncle and cousins we're gonna go to Monterey California just three hours away had this trip planned for two weeks I didn't tell my wife I was born golfing until the morning that I snuck out of bed very quietly got dressed got washed up came back to the room gave her a kiss on the forehead and said okay I'm going golfing I just woke her up when'd you plan this I said two weeks ago you're barely telling me now why have you mad for two weeks [Applause] I love you never forget ladies that that man you're married to is nothing but a big boy all right don't kill the little boy in your man all right if he likes to play video games don't get upset you play video game search though she said no he looked at her like sad are you all right sir just blink and we'll get you in a shelter tonight sir like a 12 year old boy that was grounded right there he looked like I play video games I see I still eat Syria where the men need cereal still I go to bed with a bowl of cereal start my day with a bowl of life and I finish it with the bowl of life and there's a plan behind that I eat life cereal every day just in case something happens to me everybody can go he was so full of life that's the dumbest joke I ever wrote I got a trophy wife too now I know it's not right to say to refer to my wife as a trophy but I'm proud of everybody if you're in love that's your trophy as your husband and your wife that's that's your trophy but not everybody got a first-place trophy you got a first place trophy certainly good you put your arm around her you're like well I win she got a plaque but you guys [Applause] shout out to my two black brother and sister in the back now right I asked what the black community was in Provo and I said they'll be at the show tonight it all understand how how different it is I grew up in Berkeley California and a melting pot it's a global melting by the people from all around the world you know and the most racist thing I ever experienced as a kid wasn't from a white person it was from a black guy and he was my friend and this was back before people had start having their feelings on Facebook I went to school with the kid named Kenny and for eight years from junior high through high school every day Kenny called me taco I'm glad you think that's funny ma'am he would see me and I would walk to school with my brother I was taco my brother was sauce what's up taco listen sauce taco sauce everyday all the way through school I didn't get mad I didn't file a complaint I just thought about it I said a taco is a crunchy shell filled with delicious ingredients how did Kenny know [Applause] one thing I know about comedies you have to know the line everywhere you go across the country you gotta know the line each ethnic group is different on what a sensitive and what's not sensitive up here you guys are very cool go to the south you should have a passport to go to the south anybody from Biloxi Mississippi I got booked at a country-western bar in Biloxi Mississippi and I knew the show was gonna be in trouble when the guy booked me he said we want to book you [Music] that's the way he talks everyone we're gonna book you for Cinco de Mayo I'm booked already those hold up I didn't tell you when the show was gonna be [Applause] we're doing it in February so I went and I knew I was in trouble when I used the men's room and on the bathroom stall there was a swastika talk about a laxative but we start to show and it's going great that we're having a good time that people are laughing and I only takes one because there's good and bad in every group we know that from the back of the club and the back of the bar this good old boy screams out at spearchucker now I've been called every ethnic slur you could possibly call a Mexican you start calling me names from groups I don't even belong to that's taking it too far there are people embarrassed in there you're making that's look dumber it was good and bad in every group there were some good people have to show wanting to meet me this one man never met a Mexican came up to me he took a sheet off you're pretty funny for letting know that's Latino man Latino Leno chicken now use a chicken no ancient that's Chicago man she got high Spanish finally cut emojis look I don't care she calling me just don't call me lazy you will never see a Mexican on a street corner what the sign will work for food you might see us on that same corner selling food [Applause] you give us the bike that's an ice-cream truck you give us a truck that's a fruit stand mess around and give us an RV well that's a restaurant hey where's your restaurant depends the kind of addresses depends I'm very proud of the diversity of my culture I had a friend who had never been to a Mexican restaurant and I took him there and he didn't understand the menu he started questioning everything and I was bragging about how deep and diverse that Latino cultures are he goes well what's a taco versus a tortilla filled with meat and lettuce and cheese and sour cream is delicious he goes what's a burrito I said what a sir tortilla filled with [Applause] what's a fajita also do-it-yourself kid I believe were equal I believe we're different look how we define miracles each ethnic group defines miracles differently white miracle is different than a black miracle is different than a Latino miracle different than in Chinese miracle our Asian miracle white miracle your miracles are usually because somebody was testing nature you see it on the news they were cross-country skiing got caught in the blizzard barely made it out miracle that's definitely a white miracle right there you would never hear that announcer say Jose and Leroy were caught in a blizzard rosealee ROI know that if snow on the mountain that's a message from the Lord's Day off the mountain white miracle dipped in a black miracle black miracles more light and then the judge dropped the charges brother if you can see the people turning like this or like this darn it Martha I can't turn around who says he's happy they're gonna March is gonna make a March black miracle different an Asian miracle an Asian miracles more like today I Drive to work no one honk at me and that's definite Latino America Latino miracles more like she's not pregnant [Applause] one thing about comedy like I said earlier you got to know the line I perform in the South the line is different than up here different in California still got to make him laugh there's still comedy clubs in the South like in South Carolina where on a Friday night is for white folks Saturday night is for black folks still got to make them laugh but you got to know the line especially where the racial tensions are really high I go to the South here's the line when I got all wide audience I was Presley lady died Dale Earnhardt that's the line right there you do one Dale Earnhardt joke you hear banjos go off I was on BT Black Entertainment Television had me for nine seasons I was the Mexican on BT I know the line with my black brothers and sisters here's the line dr. Martin Luther King President Obama and hearing no black folks very proudly hearing they let you know I heard that they're very proud it's okay sir you can laugh at that joke go to a big Latino concert that's my people I know the line here this for a big Latino concert the Raiders Selena and Jesus in that order you could talk to the most hardcore gangbanging cholo out then you say something wrong about the Lord he be like hey man that's the Lord he died for you and me fool the go meter man it's not a real gun it's like he's so violent I'm gonna put it away okay Lorraine I saw her jump and I was messing me up [Laughter] now grow up in Berkeley California melting pot of the world but when I travel I tell people are come from the San Francisco Bay Area who's been to San Francisco I tell people I'm from San Francisco right away they go yup earthquakes I think San Francisco is the greatest region on earth for one reason and one reason only I don't care how big your event is if you bring it to San Francisco it will get topped by an everyday occurrence follow me on this you could bring a great event to San Francisco it will get topped by something very San Francisco a couple years ago it was Navy Fleet Week Saturday afternoon 400,000 people lined Fisherman's Wharf I was there two hours early because at 3 o'clock sharp the Navy's Blue Angels gonna come flying underneath the Golden Gate Bridge and swooped right past Fisherman's Wharf 400,000 people 3 o'clock sharp I'm there 2 hours early but at 2:59 he was 6 foot 8 in high hills hot pink shorts a tube top and a scarf and he just came strutting back Oh Lord witness [Applause]

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 5,230,427

Rating: 4.7883191 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Dennis Gaxiola, Dennis Gaxiola Dry Bar Comedy, Dennis Gaxiola Comedy, Dennis Gaxiola Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, clean stand up comedy, clean stand up comedy 2019, clean stand up comedy full show, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, parenting, boarder wall, us immigration, mexico, us air force, dbc, stand up, gabriel iglesias

Id: fMKDPkHVwBg

Length: 44min 24sec (2664 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 21 2019