Aloha Fluffy ซับไทย

[Music] uh [Music] so [Applause] [Music] [Applause] is [Applause] [Music] [Applause] thank you guys so much for packing out this place tonight thank you and i know the question has already been asked why did gabriel decide to shoot his new special in hawaii the question should be what took him so long so the one thing i want to definitely make sure that happens here tonight is that i'm going to make sure that not only the people in the room here tonight that are not natives of hawaii but the people around the world find out things about hawaii you never knew first things first the proper pronunciation is [Music] hawaii just so the world gets to hear it right at least once and believe me i understand exactly how you feel i totally get it for me it's not mexico it's mexico whenever people come to the island you know there's certain things people like to do aside from the surfing or the you know the hiking or the you know the traditional things people always see the the movies and the one thing that always stands out is the luau people always see the lord you always see the guy with the fire you know he comes out and he makes a stance and you know and i'm sitting that looks cool i want to let you guys know how you can tell if you're about to have a real genuine experience versus some of the more diluted things that have happened here on the island let me explain if you're going to go for a luau make sure you do some research okay don't just go to amy lua i'm gonna tell you how you can tell if you're on a bad one there's always a bus involved that takes you from the hotel to the lua that's a given when you get on the bus there's a driver and there's always the person that's the host if the host gets on the bus and you hear this hello and aloha everyone welcome aboard the king kamehameha luau experience my name is reagan i am not a native of hawaii i'm actually from oregon but i have been living here now for three weeks and you only need a few days and you're basically a native we're gonna have such a great time it's gonna take us exactly 35 minutes to get from here to our destination i've timed it all week don't even worry about it this is our driver his name is taka taka's been here on the island for over 75 years he is so hardcore he has taken a liking to me he says i remind him of his daughter he's so sweet he calls me his little punani he is so nice so nice so i have gone online to do some research to find out the type of conditions we're going to have today and there is a slight chance of rain excuse me yes sir uh what happens if it rains you have nothing to worry about i took the liberty of stopping off at an abc store and purchasing some umbrellas and some ponchos so we're covered excuse me yes sir are we gonna stop somewhere to get something to eat maybe or get some some film absolutely you have nothing to worry about it's gonna be the best time ever stay away from that tour this is how you know when you're on a real lua experience the driver you know is there the bus and then the guy gets on and you hear this [Music] all right everybody turn it down turn it down brother all right everybody i'd like to welcome your bodies we're going to jermaine's luau okay my name is uh is reno you can call me cousin reno i know uh but don't worry i'm not your real cousin so don't ask for money right yeah anyway we're going to have a really good time today it's going to be a great day here on the island it's going to be beautiful excuse me yes sir uh how long is it going to take for us to get to the luau uh actually brother he's going to um we're going to get there hawaiian time what does hawaiian time mean it means we get that when we get there pardon me i have another question yes sir uh i i understand it's going to rain today what happens if it rains or you're gonna get wet excuse me excuse me yeah are we gonna stop somewhere to get something to eat or get some fill hey sit down are you talking to me hey mary i'm talking your brother sit down [Applause] and for the rest of the boss is wondering what mahu is it means he really likes coconuts yeah first things first the best luau to go on and they don't pay me to tell you this i've been coming to the island for 10 years but my favorite place to visit is jermaine's law if you ever get a chance they don't pay me to tell you that and for the record there is such a person as cousin reno and that's my man here in the front row stand up right up the man the myth the legend thank you man thank you with time and many you know coming here year after year and talking to people certain words i've picked up certain things i've learned um i finally figured out what shoots means anyone that gets to come here to the island you'll hear people saying that shoots and i found that it means yes because mexicans we have our own slang words too you know you've heard me which is a term of excitement it's also it's like shoots means yes but you should have heard the conversation i had this guy was trying to explain it to me i go how i keep hearing people say shoots what's going on okay brother let me break it down for you all right uh shoots is uh is like saying yes ah okay cool all right so uh let me see um uh so somebody says uh you wanna go to the store and i say shoots roger that roger dat what does that mean it means yes so shoots means yes and roger that means yes roger how would you i mean is there one that you use for one thing versus one that used for another can you give me an example no problem brother check it out somebody tell me hey bro you wanna go get a drink shoots hey bro you wanna go titty ball roger dad i got it i got it i got it i got it i figured it out and by the way for all the people here on the island tonight that are not native who are extremely light complected basically for the white people um i just want to let you know when you're here in hawaii if you hear this word haole they're talking about [Applause] you howli is the word to describe white people and it's not derogatory i ask questions and it's not it's just that you know and as one guys where did howly come from you know and when guys said well bro i think many years ago uh some white people come here right they got drunk and they start yelling [Music] say hey someone need to take down that howli right there it's stuck trying to figure out howly all right but anyways you guys we've been traveling so many places we've probably been in about 14 countries in the last two months we're like herpes we go everywhere twice a year anyway um that's bad i know right you guys are so close man like if i slip that's it [Music] his show was in 3d but it hurt it was terrible it was terrible so i got to tell you when we first kicked off our world tour we started in uh we started in singapore and for me that kind of threw me off because just to let you guys know they do speak english in singapore it's actually the number one language spoken and i didn't know that and some people were like well why would you go to singapore to perform if you didn't know whether or not they understood you because the check was fat oh yeah oh yeah and i'm a little so yeah the only thing with singapore is that singapore the rules over there are very strict like many years ago an american went over there and he was graffitiing on a wall okay he tagged up a wall and they got him and they don't give out tickets in singapore the penalty for that was they pulled him aside took off his shirt and they caned him with a stick and there's no set number like oh you graffiti a wall with two letters that's four licks no the guy hits you until he feels you've learned a lesson yeah that's hardcore if you're caught smuggling drugs into singapore the penalty is death which makes somebody like myself nervous when you travel with the people that you travel with oh yeah and you know it's crazy because they play a video when you're going through customs as you're going through customs they play a video to let you know where you're about to go into and it starts off really nice it starts off sweet it's like [Music] welcome to singapore singapore very beautiful country very nice a country very clean country if you are caught of smuggling drugs into our country i stab you i told you i knocked you on the ground i fought over you i'll pee on you while doing gangnam style i do that like that let's kick you and kill you enjoy singapore [Music] from singapore we got to go up to uh london england to do some shows and it was pretty cool over there obviously they spoke english the only issues that i had in london england were that over there they drive on the opposite side of the street and that is very you know that's that's kind of challenging for tourists because when you're crossing the street you're automatically conditioned to come out look left look right look left again and then you cross and so when you're there you have to retrain yourself because you'll come out and you think you're cool look there's no cars coming let's go every other block is like the movie final destination you know what i mean and over there they got double decker buses those suckers are heavy you get hit by one of those at 30 miles an hour you know at least if you get hit by a bus here on the island you have so much of a chance first of all nobody's in a hurry you get hit by a bus here hey brah walk it off are you okay shoot all right [Applause] i've been to the news station here i've been on the news many times and they're always you know people always step off the curb they're not paying attention they're looking at the buildings or they're taking pictures and you know you know they report them you know a man was struck by a bus here today his leg was broken doctors say he will be okay london england getting hit by a double-decker bus going 30. a man exploded today when he was struck by a double jack of bus we have video footage [Music] some of the places we're planning on performing this next year um we're talking about going to germany we're talking about going to bulgaria and india india is on the list of new places we're going to visit and i'm excited about india you know when i was telling people in england that we're going to you know to india i had indian people telling me oh they're it's going to be amazing when you go there you're going to enjoy it you're going to love it it's amazing and i just stare and the guy goes why are you staring i go because your voice doesn't match the oh you think we all sound like i'm sorry i live in america indians over there keep it real i'm sorry and i have nothing but love and respect for indian people i'm going to tell you something right now indian people in the united states are the hardest working people i have ever seen and that's coming from a mexican okay and i'll tell you why i say this you will never see an indian person with a sign that says we'll work for food in the united states and you will never see an indian person committing a crazy crime like when was the last time you heard of indians robbing a bank everybody i can't remember bro because it doesn't happen first of all indian people are so nice and they're so sweet and i can't see it you know you're gonna rob a bank you need authority you need to come in their guns blazing i said get your ass on the ground now i can't imagine would you please take the money why are you laughing i am talking to you forget this i'm out of here i don't need this he gets in the car his partner's waiting for him did you get the money they would not give me the money did you show them the gun i showed up the gun we better leave they're going to call the police they're still laughing where did you get the computer they thought i was tech support it was too much fun man all these different countries all these different places we've been going and honestly you guys it's not possible without the love and the support of my family they made that possible because i can't just go take off you know you really seriously you know you're just going to leave it takes a strong woman first of all to put up with me and it's not oh you're gonna go travel the world with this crazy guy named martin who's got tattoos and issues have fun oh it's not easy you guys like i said it takes a lot of love and support for my family and right now it's a crazy time because my son is 15. okay some of you know i have a son from my last special i talked about how i became a dad and um because he's technically my stepson and the only reason i'm saying that is because he's been in my life for eight years and he's 15. so i don't want you to look at me and the math is all wrong and you're like he's ghetto i'm not getting i just hooked up with a beautiful woman who had a pre-started family which is why the math is off basically i took over elise is what happened and everything's been going great but when he turned 15 it started changing like he no longer talks to me which is crazy not to say that he doesn't see me in acknowledging he just doesn't talk and i thought it was personal and his mom is like no he's going through a face like he doesn't speak he makes sounds frankie how's your day did you check out the trash like wow like the only person he talks to is at the other end of his phone because that's all he does all day just text text text and it's funny because he's always like this texting and when he walks around he takes little steps so that in case he bumps into something it doesn't hurt like he's like like the little vacuum you know and when he's taking these little steps he makes these sounds and his tongue comes out halfway it looks freaky like he's trying to text with it and i asked his mom is he okay he's going through a face and i could totally understand my son standing in the corner for 15 minutes at his time with his tongue out making noises if he was a special circumstance but he's not okay if he was i'd hug him and love him the same but he's not he's a straight a student in his school he's at the top of the list in his class as one of the smartest kids and it's no no no no don't clap don't come you know why you know why because on paper it says he's a genius but at home it doesn't match and don't get me wrong you guys i believe that good grades are important okay but you would think with all the different classes that they offer in school how come they don't have a class called common sense you know what i mean make it the easiest class they have ever taken make it so easy that it's the exact same class every single day they don't pay attention anyway make it the same hello class welcome to common sense let us begin up down left right hot cold take a shower take a shower take a shower i don't know what happened when he turned 15 he forgot how to play with water oh my god and for me you guys smell is so important it is so important you know how many people i meet every single year i am so self-conscious i don't want anyone to smell me that i meet and all of a sudden have them say fluffy smell like ass hell no i know i'm a big guy that's why i do double the maintenance twice the showers twice the cologne twice the deodorant twice the powder if i fart right now this whole area will smell like cinnamon that's how i roll you guys will be looking at each other is that cinnamon canela he smells like a malazadas yes a malasadas it's a ball of dough with good stuff in it wrapped in cinnamon tastes delicious anyway like i said you guys for me smell is so important you know and the fact that my son at 15 now is you know he's his body's becoming an adult even though you know and i try to tell him and he always forgets and blah blah blah and it wasn't until his pe teacher called us up and told us that what he was doing is he's leaving his pe shirt in the locker over the weekend instead of bringing it home to wash and so that shirt just broils and simmers in those kid juices and then on monday when he puts it on it's all hard and yellow and just you know nasty and they told us your son is smelly and i'm like oh hell no i took his ass to the store and i bought him a ten pack of that right guard gel with a little click on the bottom and i showed him frankie look look look look right there every day twice a day that's what you got to do and every day it's an issue did you put on deodorant i went back to the store and i bought 10 more and i came back to the house and i started strategically placing them all over the house one in the front though one at the back door one in the hallway one in the kitchen so no matter where he's at hit it right he hated that because the neighbors would come over the house and i'd have to explain why there's deodorant everywhere like it's a new type of potpourri and then he starts hiding the deodorant and then he starts lying about it and i'm like i'm sorry but teenagers can't lie they're too fidgety they're uncoordinated they look away they stutter they can't focus i asked them did you put on deodorant um are you sure yeah come here i'm gonna smell you you don't believe me no that sucks are you wearing the gel deodorant that i bought for you all right take your finger stick it under your armpit and then pull it out why because if you're wearing the gel deodorant that i bought for you when you pull your finger out of your armpit your finger's gonna be shiny it's gonna look like you have lubricant on it what's that shut up and then he tells me i'm wearing dry deodorant oh really i don't remember buying that and i got in his face and i said look frankie you don't have to lie i'm here to help you i'm not here to hurt you i said do you like girls yeah okay good well guess what they don't like it when you smell they like it when you smell fresh and clean you don't have to lie i'm gonna let this go but if i catch you lying to me again that's when he freaked me out and he did this what [Music] in my head i heard are you ready are you ready let's get it on and i'm not a violent person bro i'm not violent but hey it's kill or be killed right you know and seriously you guys i would never put my hands on my son and people judge me for that oh you wouldn't hit your kid you think he's going to call the cops i don't care if he calls the cops i'll call the cops anyone who's ever seen my specials knows i've had a few run-ins with law enforcement and because of one joke where i went to a krispy kreme drive-through are you kidding me i have become law enforcement's favorite comedian in the state of california alone i've done over 50 shows for the california highway patrol los angeles police department long beach police department where i live i can call a cop right now to go to my house and hold down my son while my girlfriend kicks him that's how connected i am i'm not worried about him calling the cops i'm worried about him calling tmz that's why i'm afraid oh yeah tmz finds out i beat my son are you kidding me they'll have me on tv the next day oh looks like chocolate cake isn't the only thing he beats up so i told my girl what happened i said listen baby he's lying to me and he's chesting up i don't want to have to get physical with him but i will if i have to i'm not going anywhere and see my girlfriend's different my girlfriend will actually choke him i'm not gonna lie she's a little ghetto it's kind of hot oh man i left town for two weeks to go do some shows and when i came home it was night and day they picked me up at the airport he jumps out of the car and he's holding the door open like he's valet and i get in the car i look at my girl what's going on he thinks you're still mad at him so he's being extra good we're gonna ride this out and the whole drive home he's doing that little song in the back seat i'm gonna clean my room i'm gonna check out the trash i'm gonna walk the dog i'm gonna do the dishes and when we got home he did all of it and i was like wow and then we're passing each other in the hallway and as we're passing each other he sticks out his arm bro and he tapped me and he keeps walking and i go excuse you and he goes whatever oh my let me take this opportunity to tell you a little bit about myself i'm a decent person i'm not great i'm not horrible i'm decent okay anybody who's ever met me in the past or will meet me in the future you know what i'm saying hey i know what's in my heart i'm a nice person and if i'm being nice to you and you're mean to me i'll still be nice but if you're mean to me a second time i don't care who it is it could be one of you guys it could be one of my friends in the back or it could be the new dependent on my taxes you mess with me i'm gonna mess with you back and i'm gonna step it up a notch so you don't forget everybody's quiet all the kids are like i don't wanna meet him now let me tell you what happened next morning i was in my son's room and i'm standing over his bed it's five o'clock in the morning and i'm just watching him sleep i know i look creepy like the movie and i'm just thinking what am i going to do to get even right and i look over and i see his alarm clock and i'm like perfect just so you guys understand it's his job to wake himself up for school and he knows if he's late because he didn't set that clock his mom is going to have his ass he's afraid of his mom for good reason so i grabbed that clock and i changed the time from 5 a.m to 7 30. it gets better then i set it off [Music] and he wakes up all scared look you overslept and he freaked out [Music] i'm gonna help you and i started handing him his clothes here get dressed put your clothes he's getting dressed in the dark he looks like a little drunk your children and i grab him and i drag his ass into the garage his whole face is oily and sweaty he's got rocks and crust in his eyes he has a perfect white line going all the way to the back of his neck as soon as i get him in the car falls asleep i jump in and i take him to school we get to his school the sun is barely coming out there is not a kid for miles as soon as we get by the office i slammed on the brakes to wake him up anyway frankie the bell just rang hurry the last kid went in you're gonna make it go go hurry go oh okay thank you all right i love you it was sunday kid mess with you you mess with ken now i know a lot of you right now are like oh you went back to get them right that wasn't the plan he starts calling my phone forget him look at the phone and it's all picture when he was still cute you know i sent him the voicemail i look at the phone and i see his mom's face i'm like little trainer i'm trying to play it off in the car hello pick him up i can barely hear you pick i'm not i get back to the school big old freaking school with one kid in front of it oh man you guys he was so pissed off but i'm going to tell you something i found something out that week i found out that you don't have to yell out a kid to get your point across you definitely don't have to hit one all you really have to do to make sure they never forget the day that they messed up is embarrass them embarrassing a kid is the biggest weapon you can have as a parent that's legal and so much more effective you guys because i'm going to tell you right now between the ages of 10 and 19 it's all about image it's all about do i have the cool shirt the cool hat the cool the wristband the cool watch the cool glasses the cool shoes the cool pants they want to fit in so bad you mess with their image at school oh it's mental it's emotional and depending on what you did it's physical why do you think they make such a big deal about bullying in schools and child abuse amongst each other because when kids turn it's not pretty especially if they have a reason to like finding out that you got dropped off on sunday by your dad because there was a janitor there working who saw the whole thing go down and three days is what it took for word to get out and when those kids found out it was my son the things they said to him were so bad that when he came home he was in tears okay and i'm not gonna lie you guys i felt terrible for like a second it was bad though it was i was moved he came in all hard i hope you're happy i hope you're happy all day long people been messing with me it's sunday kid it's sunday kid get him a calendar give him a watch why are you just standing there say something put on deodorant and i'm not gonna lie you guys i think deep down he wishes that i would hit him because it would be faster but that's not how i roll oh no and i gotta give credit to his mom you guys his mom allows me to be a dad you know as a step parent it's not easy you can't just come in and run things it takes time if you come into that house and you start trying to yell at people and start trying to no they'll jump all over you you can't be doing that don't don't hey you tell me what he did i'll handle it you don't do anything a few of you like oh i've been there bro yeah all right next thing you know you're in the corner crying when that kid is supposed to be it's a hazing process in the beginning it's everybody's pushing each other's buttons everybody's testing each other is this guy really going to stick around that's what happens and after eight years hey my credit is good so my girl backs me up whenever i make a call she backs me up don't get me wrong if i make a bad call she's gonna call me on okay if i mess up she's gonna point it out she doesn't think that all my ideas are good ones and there's been a few times when i've messed up as a dad like one night i got really really drunk on the road with martin and i don't know what happened i started drunk texting frankie i don't know what it is about me getting drunk for some reason the phone just and my girl found out about it and when i got home i knew something was up because she called me by my first name and we haven't used first names in years you know since then it's always been pet names you know how it goes you know honey baby sweetie saucias something that kind of just some of you got that gracias anyway i walk in the door and i hear gabriel and i'm like oh i'm in court and here she comes out of the back i understand when you're out there you're going to do what you're going to do you want to get drunk fine get drunk you want to text me while you're drunk fine text me while you're drunk do not ever drunk text my son again how do you know i was drunk really frankie come here bring your phone look at this message that came in at 4 17 a.m put on deodorant that's a nickname i gotta give her credit anytime i mess up she is very creative on how she approaches me like the latest thing that she does is she no longer wants to deal with me face to face what she does is she will find one of the three dogs that we have in the house and she will start carrying a full-blown conversation with the dog telling the dog what i'm doing wrong as a man you have to understand how demeaning this is to me okay i own chihuahuas and you mean to tell me two pounds of terror is gonna take over me no no no no and i'll tell you what happened you guys i was actually innocent i was actually innocent i didn't do anything bad but it looked bad i had three shows one night and after the third show i was exhausted so i go in the back to lay down for a little bit and i fell asleep and i woke up and it was four hours later and i reached down and pulled out my phone my phone was still in my pocket and it was in silent mode and i look at the screen and the screen said 27 missed calls from i wonder who there is not a text in the world that's gonna fix that there's not a phone call that i'm gonna make at four o'clock in the morning that's gonna make this better i'm screwed no matter what so i shut off my phone all the girls are like that's where you really messed up i know i didn't know you could die twice apparently you can't so i come home you guys and i'm i know i'm innocent so i'm not showing up at the front door with flowers or trying to be no no i know i'm good so i show up confident i walk in i said baby let me just explain what happened to me this weekend before you say anything and then she starts oh look who's here bruno look who's here daddy's home now daddy wants to talk to us funny talk to bruno let me explain he thinks we're playing huh really you're not going to talk to me you're going to talk to the dog somebody's getting frustrated huh kind of like we were frustrated when he didn't pick up his phone you see dude she will not look at me she will not talk to me she continues to do this for 10 minutes after 10 minutes she has me doing it bro no tell her i'm sorry okay now she thinks i'm making fun of her are you mocking me now i'm pissed off because now she's screaming in my face so then i was like oh she thinks we're mocking her huh bruno mommy shouldn't have played this game because we can play it better huh yeah cause i can make you talk back to me huh yes i can because you love me more i love laura mommy's crazy huh this is a come on and that started a whole different argument my god you guys and i don't want you thinking that my girlfriend's a bad person she's an amazing woman the fact that i only have seven stories about her in eight years says a lot you know don't get me wrong five of them happened this year but that's still way below the bar you know what i'm saying and i get questions i get questions about it because you know in the past i've done specials and i've talked about other people in my life i've talked about my mom i've talked about my dad i've talked about my sisters my brother i've talked about frankie but i've never really talked about my girl and so i get people that ask me we want to know a little bit more first question that everybody always asks is is your girlfriend fluffy too and no she's not she's a little bit curvy but she's not fluffy and that's not to say that i have anything against big women most of my ex-girlfriends were really big girls when we would hug it was like arms and pillows oh yeah it was a tempur-pedic love you know what i'm saying it was hardcore like we would hug really really hard and then let go and then our body would come back to normal [Applause] another question that people ask is is your girlfriend also mexican you know is your girlfriend mexican and yes she is but that doesn't mean anything because i have dated the rainbow okay that's just where it landed you know oh look it's just where it landed all right you know the crazy part with my girl is that she doesn't have traditional mexican features all right she could pass for white which is funny because the first time i introduced her to my mom it was quite the show i take my girl to go meet my mom for the first time and uh you know my mom she she would come to the door she'd come to the door if you know she you know she sees you pulling up in the driveway she opens the door and just waits for you to get there and greets you at the door so i'm pulling up right gets to you know she comes to the door and she sees me opening the door and this white girl comes out and she starts cussing me out from the door [Music] and my girl speaks spanish so my girl looks at my mom and she's like oh la senora como estas and my mom was like oh my god oh my god oh i'm so sorry ah you see that ma you see that mop they make them in that color too another question that i get about my girl is uh how did you guys meet did you meet at a show and actually no we didn't meet at a show we met at a bar and see some of you're like a lot of people don't like that one they're like oh really a bar that's not a good way to meet someone no it's an honest way to meet someone we were both drunk when we met which i find ironic considering she has issues with me drinking now you know eight years later the way i see it i'm just keeping it real you know what i'm saying man but no you don't see it that way when we met i was gone she was gone we started talking to each other and at the end of the night i was like wow you have issues you're messed up too we went to go get a bite to eat and then you know nine months later we moved in together and now it worked out for us i tell people you want to find out who you're with don't just rush into the relationship right away like you see some of those people after a month we knew it was meant to be yeah a year later he changed she's not the same he changed she's not the same he changed people don't change i'll tell you why it looks like they do because in the beginning of the relationship you do whatever you have to do to make it work and the first thing you do is you bite your tongue all of your freaking issues and things that bother you you check your own morals because you want to make it work you start weighing out the pros and the cons they're like oh man she talks a lot but look at that butt like oh man her family's kind of crazy but they got money you know so you start laying things out that's why it looks like the person changed a year later and i'm just saying you guys if you don't feel like investing a lifetime trying to figure out who you're with just do what i did and get drunk with the person but don't just get drunk to get drunk get drunk with the intent on getting as much real information out of them so that you can make an educated decision on whether or not to be with them [Applause] make it fun make it a game this is what you don't know this is what you do you sit across from each other you make a list of five things you have to know before you become exclusive then you break open a bottle of tequila or alcohol of your choice you do 10 shots each you wait 35 minutes you turn on a flip cam hit record and let the date begin you're about to find out who you're really dealing with make it fun okay jennifer um you go first thank you jonathan thank you okay question how am i okay question number one how many people have you slept with and guys can lie but the face gives it away how many two have you ever cheated no next day you pull out that video and you confront them and you can see for yourself who you're really dealing with and if you can see that they're lying call them out jonathan this is the saddest thing i've ever seen it is so obvious that you're lying there's no way in hell i'm ever going to be with you why don't you just be a man and tell the truth how many people have you really been with oh man over 20. over 20. have you ever cheated oh god i cheated on everybody how could you do that how could you cheat how could you cheat i was molested is some of your clapping summer laughing summer like it's still not funny i'm not making fun of molestation i'm only making fun of the fact that alfred said it it's all tense now huh some people are over there now i gotta go pee go ahead go ahead go pee go ahead they're freaking out hello i'm not tv i'm right here i told her venue too i said you know what they got to do for the special they got to put speakers in the bathroom under the toilets so when people get up like that to go pee i can mess them up and go welcome to the restroom if you need to go pp please use stall number one if you need to go po po please use star number two thank you bienvenidos albano [Applause] equal opportunity right welcome to the restroom hell yeah that's what i'm saying if you need to pee you stall number one if you need to take your nasty ass home some of you're laughing somebody like stop doing those voices just having fun that's all i got to tell you guys being a comedian has been the uh one of the greatest experiences for me and uh you know it's been it's been a fun ride it's been a fun ride and um a lot of people don't understand what has gone into this you know me personally i got a lot of people to thank my family obviously first and foremost and all my friends and all the support and all the people you don't see that are behind the scenes that have helped me you know there's a lot of comedians out there they do really good and for some reason they start you know going crazy and things happen and then what happened wrong people around them so whenever you see me you're like oh gabriel's keeping it together because people keep me together shooting i start believing my own hype i'm at 7-eleven yeah give me all that yeah yeah you've been slurping get me crazy why is he talking to me like that i don't know i just want you guys to know it's been a fun ride and i i want you to understand a little bit more of what has happened over the years to get to this point for the first i'd say the first 10 years of my career i was considered a southwest comedian by promoters meaning that they would only promote me in california arizona nevada texas you know new mexico nothing wrong with that but here's the thing is that they were calling me a southwest comedian and then they call me latino comedian and i hated that no no i hate that i'll tell you what and i know you have good intentions when you move let me explain why i don't like that title when you say latino comedian it makes it sound like i can only perform for latinos okay and don't get me wrong i know who i am and where i come from but i believe that latinos should be shared with everyone and that's what i'm trying to do and the reason why i make a big deal about that is because anybody else you just call them their name for example jerry seinfeld he's just jerry seinfeld he's not jewish comedian jerry seinfeld chris rock is just chris rock he's not african-american comedian chris rock but with me i was always latino comedian or fat comic yeah they wouldn't even call me fluffy those bastards and so it wasn't until years and years of grinding it out that eventually i wound up meeting a promoter who eventually became my manager who took a chance on me and he promoted me in minneapolis minnesota okay and you cannot get any wider than minneapolis minnesota that is where the hawleys are built okay that is the howli factory okay there's minneapolis minnesota and it was a venue about as big as this and it was uh it was sold out and word got back to los angeles and to new york and to all these promoters that there's this entertainer with the last name iglesias who sold a bunch of tickets who was not enrique next thing you know promoters are coming out the woodwork now they're changing their tune now they're not calling me latino comedian anymore now they're saying oh this guy's he's funny across the board he's cross over he's so cross over his material touches everyone he's cross over he's cross over really you're going to call a mexican cross over it was getting worse all i wanted to do was be given a chance to go out and perform and show what i could do and not have restrictions and titles and stuff put on it was very very hard and so like i said once i met my uh my buddy who took care of me and became my manager joe milaj did amazing work he started taking me everywhere with the help of him and my agent matt blake and comedy central started backing me up and we wound up hitting all 50 states next thing i know we go to canada next thing i know they sent me to europe next thing i know we hit australia and then i get this phone call my agent calls me up and he says gabe check it out you're getting a request to perform in the middle east i go really okay cool army navy marines air force who actually the request is coming from a prince run that by me again a prince i said purple ring not prince a prince i said how do they know me i i don't know but they say that they know you and they want to hire you i go it sounds like a joke matt trust me it sounds legit all right if it's legit i'll tell you what give whoever a ridiculous figure and let them know that they have to wire the money today otherwise forget it four hours later gabe what ridiculous just called are you serious i'm looking at the screen bro they wired all of it next thing i know welcome aboard saudi arabian airlines 17 hour flight you guys from detroit michigan to riyadh saudi arabia and just so you guys know i didn't go by myself okay i took some friends with me nobody from this show for obvious reasons yeah man you see the crew that i travel with everybody's hairy big nose goatee beard crazy eyes this are you kidding me but all of us were like osama bin lopez you know what i'm saying i don't know what the hell we are [Applause] so i took two other friends i took one friend his name is edwin san juan who's filipino works clean oh yeah and another buddy of mine named larry omaha who's native american who also works clean and uh all right hell yeah hold on want to look at the camera hey larry omaha everyone said juan you guys have fans and they're here in hawaii get your asses over here anyway um so we head to riya 17 hour flight from detroit as soon as we get there they flew us their first class by the way it was really nice and the plane is pulling up to the gate and you know it's doing the whole you know and the tube is coming out to meet the plane as soon as a tube touches the plane all of a sudden the door on the opposite side of the plane pops open and a man in a suit gets on and he walks over to the three of us and he does this and i'm sitting there freaking out like oh my god this is like the movies and they pulled us off the plane and they escorted us to this area called vip baggage claim and it sounds kind of vip and i get there and i realize oh they're serving cookies and candy and coffee and there's leather sofas and it's really nice and there's nothing but middle eastern businessmen there okay and they're all talking about me i don't understand arabic but everyone in this room understands when someone's talking about you the guy's looking at me and he's like a i'm sorry but this is universal and apparently this is arabic for damn so then this other guy walks over to me and he's holding a sign and the sign has my name on it and he's really excited he's like it is you come come come it is you come come come we go and okay cool so we grab our luggage and we follow him outside to the curb they have three lincoln navigator suvs waiting for us there's three comedians and there's three cars we're so paranoid that we're in the middle east we all get in one car we're sitting in there and we take off we're heading towards downtown riyadh okay now all i know up to this point about my experience is that i've already been paid my flight's been taken care of and i have a point person who i'm supposed to meet at the airport who's not there so i'm talking to the drivers excuse me sir where's where's this guy it is okay i think you're talking it's okay it's okay it's okay okay and for me it's not okay because i researched saudi arabia and you know you think the rules in singapore are strict the rules of saudi arabia are very very different okay and i don't want to offend anyone and i want to make sure that i don't say the wrong thing so i need to know you know some some i need some info so i keep talking to the driver so um sir would you mind helping me with some questions whatever you need you ask i tell you it's okay it's okay he's okay um i apologize in advance if i come across rude or disrespectful or ignorant but um how do you guys know about me here in the middle east what do you mean how do we know yeah how do you know that i'm a comedian do you have comedy central or hbo or showtime what is that that's a no that's what that is that's enough um how do you know that i'm an entertainer oh your videos youtube my friend youtube you're huge you're the number two most famous comedian in all of the middle east number two you're kidding i am not comedian i don't kid no i'm the number two most famous comedian in all of the middle east yes who's number one jeff dunham jeff dunham is the number one comedian in the middle east you guys don't find him at all offensive oh no i kill you when i heard that you guys i was like you know what they get it they get it so i'm like we're cool we're sitting we're driving we're heading towards downtown all of a sudden the driver cuts the wheel really hard and we get off the freeway and now we're taking a side road going away from the city and i'm like um excuse me where are we going we are going to this show i go um it says here that we're staying in the city yes you're staying in the city but the show is somewhere else that doesn't make sense why would you have the show somewhere else how come you don't have it in the city and then he broke it down my friend here in riyadh it is very different okay your type of entertainment is forbidden in the city there are people called religious police that hold up the traditions they keep it so that it's very traditional it is not allowed the social gathering is a no-no we must go somewhere secret in the desert all right um so how many people are you guys expecting at the show easily between seven to eight hundred people that many i told you number two and sure enough you guys we pull up to this racetrack in the middle of the desert and there's uh there's a giant tent set up next to it and there's there's 800 people roughly there for a comedy show and as soon as we pull up as soon as we pull over radios start popping out and i keep hearing on all the radios fluffy floppy fluffy fluffy all of a sudden some guy runs up on the stage and they hand him a microphone and he starts yelling to the crowd i don't know what he's saying but i've seen enough hip hop to recognize a hype man oh yeah he's out there and then i get the biggest introduction of my life and now direct from the united states of america here he is covered and the crowd starts going fluffy and when i heard that i freaked out i was like oh my god this is going to be an amazing show so i ran to the stage as fast as i could i'm not a runner but i booked it to the stage you guys because i was so excited and when i got to the front it clicked that in saudi arabia they still have segregation and i didn't find out till the last second because i saw a line going down the middle and on one side men other side women and all the women in the front row were covered from head to toe all i saw was this oh yeah i had no idea i was performing for assassin's creed i didn't know it threw me off so bad hey what's going on everybody i froze i've been doing this for 15 years i don't freeze but that threw me off so bad i didn't know what to say all of a sudden men start yelling my jokes at me my friend do the donkey do the donkey hey chocolate cake chocolate cake guy in the front make fun of me hell no and the people started laughing the women were laughing just as hard as the men you know granted some of them i couldn't see but for the most part it's like and i'm not trying to be disrespectful you know they're lather moving and laughing i even had fun with one of the girls i said oh i saw your neck you're going to get me in trouble the saudis had such an amazing sense of humor they were laughing and carrying on and i had no idea they were going to be like that and then after the show i got a chance to meet some of the locals and one guy was almost in tears he was so emotional he walks up to me and he's just like i cannot believe that i am standing here in front of you mr fluffy oh thank you please please when you return to united states or wherever you travel let the people know what you saw okay let them know that we are not all bad that we are not all those bad people from fox news okay you let them know because we see fox news and fox news believes everybody in middle east is back everybody's terrorist everybody has a bomb he has a bomb he has a bomb he has a bomb opera is here giving away bombs to everybody everybody please you let them know we are not all bad people okay we are not all terrorists my cousin maybe what i'm kidding i'm kidding i'm kidding [Applause] he is raising my blood pressure every seven seconds and then he starts breaking it down for me how stand-up comedy is starting to bring people together in the middle east and how he's starting to do you know he's doing comedy it was crazy the conversation you know here in saudi arabia um people they like watching the the standard comedy because we love to laugh okay we love to love it it's great to laugh and people don't think that people in middle east have sense of humor they see videos they see tv they think we are the same they say oh you need to listen people are all angry look at their face they're angry everybody angry everybody mad everybody angry my friend we're not angry it's hot okay it's 117 degrees everybody is not mad they're hot look at everybody has a hot face hot face everybody hot face i promise you give me air conditioning i am so happy we are okay we love to laugh i've been doing the stunt of comedy for about six months now and um i have jokes good for you me today oh great all right man go ahead okay very nervous very nervous okay here we go okay okay here we go two jewels walking toy bar not in my country man you're gonna get my ass arrested bro we wound up doing shows all over the middle east we were in riyadh bahrain dubai qatar doha and each show you guys was more amazing than the last show not because there were so many people but because the people were friendly they were fun they got all the references i couldn't get over that i honestly thought that they were going to be like the people from fox news and i felt terrible i felt terrible because i was judging them i was prejudging them and i thought that they were going to be a certain way and i felt bad because all those years people were doing that to me not really giving me a chance and i was over there doing the same thing i felt so bad and then when i met the prince i was still judging 19 years old and he's a prince i thought he was going to be a brat he walks up to me and i was already like what's up i failed to realize that he's a prince and he was brought up to be a prince the way he carried himself he intimidated me in about 18 seconds okay i'm 36 and i mean what's up and he's like excuse me jibril i understand that your name is gabriel but in the arabic language your name is gibril i was welcoming you in our language oh [Music] i'm a dick and i started already imagining what was gonna happen [Applause] i'm so sorry i'm so sorry and he was so nice you guys he's like i want to thank you for coming here to riyadh and doing all of these shows it was so beautiful to see everyone having such an amazing time from the little children in attendance all the way to the elderly people with the cane everyone had an amazing time everyone it was beautiful okay beautiful religious people laughing religious police laughing they don't laugh at i want you to understand how big this is there was an american here entertaining people from middle east there was no violence no bloodshed no problems everybody was smiling everybody was getting along it is possible an american was here an american was here he kept saying american american american freaking 10 years being called a latino comic i had to go all the way around the world to finally get called american i was excited i was like say it again american and then i had the most surreal conversation i have ever had with the person he looks at me and he says i want to thank you for everything i want to invite you and your friends to come to my palace so that i may entertain you i'm lucky are you freaking kidding me i am not getting invited to a palace by a prince oh my god up until this point my only experience with royalty was a burger king drive-through [Applause] all of a sudden one of those suvs pulls up and a guy jumps out in a suit and i guess his favorite word was please cause that's all he said please please please please please please please i'm like are you kidding me there's a man in a suit trying to get me in the back of a lincoln navigator and there's a prince inviting me to his palace i'm not going to lie i felt like a hot chick oh my god let's go hurry up let's go we get to the front of his palace you guys i'm not gonna lie it didn't look like a palace the walls are really high there's barbed wire around the entire property and there's two guys in the front with machine guns i'm looking at this and i'm like this doesn't look like a promise and i started thinking what if i'm on some messed up episode of middle eastern punt you know what i mean like fortunately the doors opened up and we drive in and then they closed and when we got outside you guys what we saw was amazing outside desert inside palm trees bushes shrubs a pond and he had exotic pets i know exotic pets because i know what i have [Music] over there he's got a tiger freaking zebra monkeys and he had a freaking boa constrictor i'm like are you kidding me snakes monkeys a zebra and a tiger oh my god that makes me kung fu panda and i started thinking what if he decides to keep me it sounds messed up but let me explain as an american you cannot just purchase an airline ticket to go to saudi arabia you have to be invited by a person of power you know when i left detroit to go over there i had to fill out a form that says i understand that i'm going to saudi arabia and should something happen to me one of those things on the list being kidnapping conveniently right above death america is not responsible the prince could have actually you're mine two weeks later now he's showing someone else around right it is my snake that is my zebra that is my mexican that is my tiger inside of some little box that says gibril but it never happened and we're walking around and i actually pulled him aside for a second i said listen uh i gotta tell you something will you tell me i need to apologize what did you do i didn't do anything i just want to apologize for coming here with the wrong mentality i says unfortunately i thought that just you know because it is the middle east i thought you guys were going to be rude and everybody's been nothing but nice ah i know i didn't think you guys were gonna speak english so well and understand you know so many references and you guys get everything ah i know i thought you guys were gonna throw rocks but you were funny what never mind all right two out of three we're walking and he's showing me this and that and we're just kind of like looking around i thought it was great and then i saw something that freaked me out we're walking in the direction of a giant cage and when i saw the cage i stopped i was like uh what's with the cage take a look great so i walk over towards the cage and i look inside and i notice that there's birds in there and i was like oh okay cool it's a bird cage and he got all offended you know that's not regular birds those are falcons i go okay well you have a lot of falcons oh well you use a falcons for hunting you hunt falcons no no no each falcon is very expensive 100 000 us dollars they are trained we go out and we shoot a little animal and we send a falcon to retrieve would you like to see no no no no no i got little dogs bye bruno before i know it here comes the other guy please please please and he goes inside the cage and he puts on this leather glove that comes up to his elbow and he starts getting one of the falcons i'm watching him do this and i notice all the falcons are on these perches about this high and there's about 15 in a row and they all have hoods covering their eyes and i asked them why do they have hoods on their eyes man they look like little hostages i'm sorry bro i'm sorry i meant no disrespect for that man seriously no no disrespect i was a slip and it was cool i understand middle east has okay all right so the other guy comes out and he's got a falcon with him and he's got a glove and he hands me the glove and i put it on and he transfers his falcon to my arm and uh all of a sudden he starts doing snapping things and he's basically showing me that the falcons trained and i thought that was great i thought we're gonna kill something i'm like no but we were just playing with the falcon and i started getting excited you know and the more excited i got the more the prince started showing his age because then he got excited i'm like this is great it is great yes this is so cool so cool my god you're so lucky to have so many falcons i am so lucky would you like a falcon so matter of fact like would you like a cookie would you like a falcon same way are you kidding me don't give me a falcon that can retrieve things shoo you think i'm lazy now hell no don't give me a no i wouldn't even leave the house i'd be at the front door donuts and who the hell is gonna watch my falcon when i'm up here performing i can't leave it with my buddy martine in the back you know he would abuse it take it to some nightclub try to hook up with that freaking the redhead two weeks later this is no man we were out there you guys in the middle east for over two weeks and after two weeks of being there hey sit down mahu hi mary just like the last special where i started talking about chico's tacos next thing you know people all over the world talking about chico's tacos after this special comes out there's going to be people all over the world calling each other mahouse [Music] so you guys i wanted to find a a very special way to close out this event and i thought it would be great if i could tell an old story that was from years ago that never made it to a one-hour special and uh the cool part about this story is that it it now has a different ending the story is called the gift basket some of you know it some of you don't know it but after this you're never gonna forget it all you have to know about this story is that all the people involved have always been and will continue to be friends that being said martin and i all the good ones start like that martinez are scheduled to perform in northern california usually we fly but this particular day i was having a problem with southwest airlines they wanted me to pay for an extra seat for someone who wasn't traveling with me take your time you'll figure it out anyway i tell martin i'm not paying for an extra seat let's just drive at six hours so we headed north three hours into the drive we're passing through a city called fresno and as we're passing hey fresno five five nine get this away anyway as we're passing through fresno we start seeing billboards off the side of the freeway that said performing this weekend at the radisson hotel directly from bet's comic view and showtime at the apollo comedian g riley and i look at martina go oh shoot she's in town and martin goes yeah i haven't seen g in years so we're like let's stop by the hotel and say hi so we pull into the parking lot [Music] we walk in i tell martin he doesn't know we're here i'm going to crank call his room because what are you going to say i said i'm going to tell him that i'm the front desk and that he just received a gift basket what's so funny about a gift basket i said i'm going to describe it over the phone and i'm going to make all the items that are in this imaginary basket become items that stereotypically a black person might like but you're crazy i said i'll tell you what we got two hours to kill how about this how about we go to the supermarket and we make an actual racist gift basket and we'll have it delivered and we'll wait outside to see what happens i said are you down we go to a store and we start to design the sickest practical joke ever i get a shopping cart and i'm like all right we need a basket so i find one i take out the grass the plastic eggs and the chocolate rabbits and we start hitting the isles first item i grab is a fried chicken about that big okay see how quick that laugh was [Laughter] there's a few black people in here like this better be funny it's hysterical let me just finish the story and then you could judge me in the parking lot so anyway then martin hands me a miniature watermelon and i put it next to the fried chicken here's where it gets interesting employees of the store find out what we're doing and they start volunteering to help us finish the basket half of the employees were black which made it so much more accurate aisle after aisle one guy was stalking a shelf he was an older white guy and we're like sir can you help us what do you need my buddy martin and i are trying to make this messed up racist gift basket for our black friend as a practical joke can you think of something we can put in there without even blinking an eye the guy was like ah you gotta have kool-aid it's at the end of the aisle on the right malt liquors in excel over in the back of the store in the freezer section it's on sale two for one by the time we get to the register all these different employees plus us came up with the basket that had fried chicken watermelon kool-aid grape soda bbq potato chips sunflower seeds an ebony magazine a chris rock dvd called bigger and blacker magnum condoms newport cigarettes a rack of ribs the recipe for cornbread it was getting bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger icing on the cake we find a greeting card that's on clearance from halloween and it has a picture of three ghosts on the cover wearing sheets i tear off the half that says happy halloween and on the back of the card i write welcome to fresno love the chamber of commerce and we stick it to the basket we made it all nice and pretty and we haul ass to the hotel we pull up we walk in the basket is hot as hell so i'm racing in i get inside and i put it on the counter as fast as i can bro it's too perfect there's a black girl behind the front desk as soon as i put the basket down i hear is that chicken oh let me say hold on what is it let me explain my name is gabriel this is martin we're a couple of comedians and we're about to play a really crazy practical joke on a friend of ours who's staying here tonight by the name of g riley who's also a comedian i would want to sound the signs on the freeway yeah the one that's on the signs on the freeway so as a practical joke we went to the store and we made this messed up racist gift basket that's that's why you can smell fried chicken and she was like [Music] you need jesus that's a true name kiki girl you better hang up that phone you ain't gonna believe what i'm looking at over here girl listen we think it would be hysterical if we could have you deliver the basket for us she lost it oh the hell you didn't i know you didn't just ask me to take that to a black man you are out your damn mind oh lord lord give me the strength to not kill this big ass mexican over here lord [Music] okay look here nacho libre i don't care who you are i am not doing it hell no i'll give you 50 bucks where that at we follow her to the hotel room she knocks on the door martine and i hide by the elevator on the floor she knocks she opens the door sees a beautiful black woman standing there with a gift basket this is for you baby he says thank you closes the door she walks away and she sees us on the ground hiding right and she's like y'all still going to hell we get up and we walk over to the door and we put our ears listen this is what we hear inside wow chicken he's getting excited over every single item he's pulling out of the basket he gets to the greeting card what can the fresno love the chamber of commerce hell yeah then we feel him flipping the card over because his voice changed he's like oh yeah man what the outside the door we heard racist bastards when we heard racist bastards we lost it housekeeping is freaking out [Music] we're laughing we're crying we got boogers coming out we can't take it anymore we knock on the door he yells who is it too easy chamber of commerce he rushes the door i put my finger on the peephole so he can't see who it is right the knob starts to jiggle then the door explodes open and he's like what and he sees us and he's like what's up g man y'all give a brother heart attack did you like your basket man that was messed up did you like it man i love all that [Applause] and now ladies and gentlemen a story that has been seven years in the making i would like for you to now hear for the first time ever the other side of that story ladies and gentlemen i flew him here to hawaii so that he can share this with you give it up for my friend mr g riley i i got to be honest i didn't know it was racist i thought it was lunch [Applause] i thought it was lunch i didn't know it raised until i got back to my neighborhood and brothers in my neighborhood looked at me they say man i don't believe you let that mexican guy do that to you man that was messed up i know you got him back i said well buy him lunch i can't afford to buy that man lunch if i if i buy him lunch he'll be getting me again but you got to understand it was the perfect set of circumstances when it happened because i'm laying across the bed in the hotel i'd never been to fresno before and i wanted something to eat and i didn't know where to go eat so i'm laying across the bed and i'm saying to myself where could i go eat i wish i had some food and all of a sudden magically there's a knock on the door and a black girl shows up with a gift basket and i took the gift basket and i said they know how to treat they comedians up here fresno and i'm walking to the bed and i can feel the heat and i can smell the chicken from the gift basket and i'm like oh this is cool because nobody smells chicken and thinks of racism right right so i see the watermelon i'm like oh this is cool they know how to treat a comedian up in here i get to the card and i look at the card and i go what the is going on i said oh my god i'm working for the ku klux klan and i really i really started to panic because in my head i'm saying to myself is this for real cause there were billboards all over the city with my picture and i started thinking they were trying to scare me out of town so now i don't know what to do right and i start trying to call a promoter and the promoter's not answering the phone and it's festering in my head and i'm nervous and i'm pacing in the room and all of a sudden there's a knock on the door right and i go oh my god they come to get me so i so i ease over to the door right and i look through the people all right and all i see is a brown dot right and i go i hear somebody out there cause i hear them breathing right out here so this was about 60 pounds ago right so i got to look down up under the door right but i said oh my god it got to be about five or six of them out there oh my god so i figure like this i figure okay you know what if it's gonna happen it's gonna happen you know if it's gonna happen i'm gonna go down swing it right so i'm putting my best black face on you know i i tried to look mean you know i look i look like this guy right here i look like that guy right there right and i go who is it and they go chamber of commerce let me oh my god the shame of congress is the ku klux klan and i'm panickin so i get to the door right and i pull the open the door open and when the door opens up these guys are falling all over the hall laughing at me they're rolling all into the cleaning ladies caught the cleaning lady didn't know what was going on right she scared the dust because she sees a black dude with no shirt like this so she grabs the lemon pledge like his pepper spray right she's ready so everything now that i realize it's a practical joke everything calms down because i remember now i remember how hungry i was i'm like okay cool practical joke right so i go in the bathroom to wash my hands while i'm in the bathroom washing my hands i hear a commotion in the other room right i go back in the other room they're going through the gift basket the maid is leaving with the watermelon martina's drinking my 40 and this fluffy bastard is eating my chicken thank you so much

Channel: Tanabut Viriyaathakit

Views: 2,477,119

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Id: pOrSwH0so-U

Length: 92min 14sec (5534 seconds)

Published: Fri Feb 21 2020