Joe List: I Hate Myself - Full Special

ladies and gentlemen show lists thank you that was way too much i feel like i feel like everyone's aware that that was too much there was definitely a moment where collectively everyone was like i think we're overdoing it a little bit i appreciate it that was nice some of you i felt like that was more about you than it was me to be honest i feel like a couple of you like i'm gonna be the guy i'm gonna you're gonna hear me at least four of you are like i can't wait to watch this because i'm gonna point out my voice going hey that's fair good to be here uh in new york i said it like i'm visiting i live here it's nice to live here i travel all the time every week i hate flying i get very anxious when i fly i'm not afraid of a crash i'm afraid of a conversation that's what i hate about flying i was on a plane the other day the guy next to me was like what do you do and i was like i mind my own business on airplanes first of all you're sitting too close together to have a conversation the guy's trying to make eye contact we're just staring at each other from this distance i'm like i could kiss you without using a neck muscle that's how close you are i was on a plane the other day the guy next to me was eating a lollipop don't think that's an inappropriate airplane food a lollipop it's too noisy he's like i was like sir you're turning me on could you relax a little bit they don't even sell lollipops at the airport that's a from home lollipop that guy got a lollipop he's like i'm gonna hold on to this until i fly i want to make sure i have that three inches from somebody's ear i don't even know where you get a lollipop by the way outside of a bank and a doctor's office they don't sell them do they if you give me ten dollars right now and you were like go get me a lollipop i would come back a week from now with my shirt torn and be like i couldn't do it i don't know i hate everybody on every plane we all hate each other though that's not exclusive to me we all hate each other you know everyone hates each other on the airplane because as you're boarding the airplane everyone just stares at you dead in the face angrily the whole flight's just that's the only time it's a society we're not looking at our phone everyone's like let's put our phones away and look upset at everybody else on this airplane i hate it but i do it too i'm just as guilty as soon as i sit down i'm like look at this [ __ ] idiot getting on the plane what back there it doesn't matter where you are on the plane you feel better than everybody behind you don't you you could be in the second to last row this one guy behind you're like what a [ __ ] idiot back there embarrassing loser last row i was on a plane the other day i hated the guy behind me he kept yawning out loud the whole flight am i a psycho or is that annoying the whole flight is like for like five hours [Laughter] i wanted him to die i swear to god i was like i hope this guy passes away on the flight first of all you don't need to make a noise when you yawn that's a decision he's deciding to do that it's like if you were hungry on a plane you were like i'm hungry well you all right yeah i'm hungry i like to let people know when i'm hungry i think it's important for people to know that people yawn out loud they want attention that's why they're doing it they want you to be like oh my god are you tired they're like i am here's my entire life story of how i came to be tired don't fall for it it's a trap plus isn't it fun to not ask somebody a question when they really want you to ask them a question you ever do that so i was like i had a wild night last night and then you're like neat and then you just walk away that's like one of my favorite things to do just tell me your shitty story don't make me ask for it i flew recently i was at the airport laguardia airport here in new york that's my home airport i was walking to the terminal they were playing welcome to the jungle by guns n roses at the airport that's a weird airport song i'm a rock and roll guy i love guns and roses i'm cool but it's a little much at the airport i walk through the terminal i just hear it like hey can we cool it down a little bit it's it's 7 30 a.m i'm eating a muffin looking for an outlet i don't think we need to rock this hard also it's a little unnerving to be boarding a flight in here you're gonna die like [ __ ] am i they play knocking on heaven's door next they're never flying again take the bus i do fly every week though pretty much literally every week i get upgraded a lot that's the nice thing about flying all the time i got upgraded recently my wife and i both of us like we have two tickets in first class but they're not together we'd have to separate you is that okay and i was like 100 i feel like that won't hurt your feelings i love my wife i'm joking i love my wife you gotta take first class if you can get it they could be like we have two tickets in first class but you have to get divorced to have them i would be like baby we had a great run i love you come on let's get comfy it was cross country first class though that's the real deal [ __ ] that's where your seat turns into a bed it is weird to get separated from your wife on one of those because they probably like a random fat guy and i'm not making fun of her being fat because some of you were fat but he was so fat he was coming into my seat like we were flush shoulder to shoulder and then we slowly eased back into bed together and then we chose the same movie and i was like this is the most romantic date i've ever been on i'm like if this guy makes a move i'll bang him right here i don't give a [ __ ] we got blankets turbulence when harry met sally's on it's nice you know at one point on the flight i got up i looked over my wife had her own guy that she was in bed with and then he was like the hottest guy on the plane and that pissed me off because i was like i want that guy switch guys you take this piece of [ __ ] i want the hot guy i paid for these tickets i like watching movies on the plane we all do that right i like delta i fly delta delta's the best airline they have the best movies on delta i don't know who categorizes the movies at delta i don't think they're doing a great job i was on a flight the other day i went to the classic section and the hangover part 2 was under classics i swear to god it was to kill a mockingbird it's a wonderful life and the hangover part two classic i remember the first time i saw the hangover part two my grandfather showed it to me it was on turner classic movies and we watched it on his black and white tv really bonded that wasn't the most egregious though the most ridiculous one i went to this is true you can check my instagram account i went to documentary and the movie a quiet place was under documentaries i don't remember that movie that was a summer blockbuster horror movie where monsters kill you if you make a sound somebody at delta watched that movie was like this is an amazing documentary holy [ __ ] how did i not read about this in the papers i'm glad somebody documented this i'll tell you what i like to do though i play a lot of you guys do this i like to download a movie bring a laptop on the flight download a movie then you can just choose any movie you want but you can use you got to use some discretion because everyone around you can see the movie you're watching so you don't want to get too weird with it like one time i brought the movie casino you guys all remember that movie great movie from the 90s scorsese right very violent if you haven't seen the movie at one point in the movie a guy has his head crushed in a vice and his eyeball pops out i looked over there was a seven-year-old child just staring at my laptop he looked horrified i felt so bad i was like you know what take an earbud it'd be better with sound if you could hear it then he started crying and i was like are you ratting me out right now cause i'll crush your little head in this laptop computer if i have to i was on a plane one time the lady next to me she was watching 50 shades of grey on her laptop did you guys see that movie great documentary it's a classic and a documentary really very sexual film i thought she was watching porn at first i was like good for you lady get after it enjoy yourself the flight attendant came by she's like would you like more pretzels i was like more napkins if you don't mind i wasn't expecting to see tits on the plane it kind of caught me off guard we were landing she's like could you put your tray table up i'm like i'd rather not right this moment i'm in the full upright lock position myself so this is a spicier flight that i'm accustomed to i can't sleep on the plane even with first class i can't sleep on an airplane i don't know about you guys my friend's like why can't you sleep on an airplane he actually come crazy he's like why don't you just go to sleep i'm like i can't and he's like why i'm like is that hard to understand that's not a normal sleeping situation that's why like if you went home tonight and you went to bed and there was a jet engine idling outside of your bedroom window don't you think you might be like i'm gonna have trouble sleeping tonight because of the jet engine outside of my bedroom window and then also somebody replaced your bed with a chair and there was 71 strangers in your bedroom with you and then someone woke you up in the middle of the night to offer you a coke that's what they do on airplanes like i know you're trying to sleep but do you want to coke right now i'm like yeah give me a coke i like to break up my sleep with a can of coke that's how i sleep at home i sleep for four hours i wake up i drink a can of coke kind of spice up my dreams a little bit sometimes i boil cola right before bed a little sleepy time pepsi i love coke i to quit coke i quit uh coca-cola i still do blow obviously you gotta you gotta live your life you know coke is bad for i just drink it all the time people always tell me it's bad people love to do that my friend people would always say a coke could take the paint off your car what does that tell you i'm like it tells me not to put it on my car that's what i i'm not putting it on my car i'm putting it in my body and i don't have any paint in my body if i did have paint in my body i would want to get rid of it so if you think about it that way coke's actually a pretty healthy beverage you don't want paint in your body if your kid accidentally swallows some paint give him a can of coke send it back out there he'll be fine it's very healthy my buddy tried to help me sleep on the plane he's like you want to borrow my sleep mask for your flight i was like i don't um first of all i don't need a sleep mask i have a built-in sleep mask called eyelids my eyelids block out the light for me also it's not the lighting it's the farts and the announcements is what i'm having a hard time with you don't need a mask to sleep those words don't even go together sleep mask that's like a masturbation helmet it doesn't they don't go together honey have you seen my masturbation helmet and my bowel movement knee pads they were with my sleep mask earlier now i can't find any of them i have trouble sleeping at home too because i have anxiety my same friend he tried to help me with that he goes the key to falling asleep because you want to keep your body temperature cool okay that makes sense they said one way to do that you can wear socks and gloves to bed it'll draw heat to those areas and cool the rest of your body that's like nice i might try that or i might flick on the air conditioning that might be another thing i'll either wear socks and gloves to bed like i escape from an asylum or perhaps i'll turn on the ceiling fan i might even stick my leg out from underneath the blankets that's another way people have been cooling down for several centuries good advice though i might do that in the summer summertime you know i'll go down to the beach on a hot day and wear a couple of oven mitts and some tube socks kind of cool down my torso you know how a lot of times people wear gloves to keep their nipples cool good advice i tried to uh try to get healthy i quit drinking a long time ago a few years ago you know sometimes oh thank you i don't know if there's a boo usually a sign that you're an alcoholic by the way if you hear someone be like i quit drinking and someone's like boo i was getting too wild sometimes you get too wild when you're drinking you know sometimes i think there's like placebo effect to drinking a little bit do you ever think that you see like a person they're acting like an [ __ ] they're like it's the whiskey talking and then you're like that's a smirnoff ice and it's your first one so i feel like it's your personality talking actually i think there's some placebo effect to alcohol because i haven't had a drink in years but i had a cold recently so i went to a health food store and i got a shot of wheatgrass i don't even know what wheatgrass is but they put it in a shot glass and i fired it back and i was like who wants to see my dick and i kicked over a table i was like sorry that was muscle memory i haven't drank anything one and a half ounces at a time in a while i got fired up i apologize give me some vitamins i want to snore them up but it's hard to be healthy it's hard for everyone i'm like on the road all the time i'm traveling so it's like hard like sometimes i eat mcdonald's because it's the only thing open and also because it's my favorite restaurant so i was at mcdonald's the other day i was dining in um that's funny right that's the term they use you order your food like will you be dining in like i'll be eating over there i feel like dining feels a little dramatic i'm going to chew my food in the corner as fast as i possibly can in the hopes that nobody sees me i'm not going to cut my burger in half and put a cloth napkin in my shirt and light a candle but i was i was dining in and the phone rang while i was at mcdonald's that blew my mind you guys don't even seem weirded out by that not my phone their phone somebody called mcdonald's on the telephone a human being was at their house and was like you know what i need to call mcdonald's let me get them on the phone i don't even know they had a phone the employees didn't know they were like what the hell is that sound we have a phone what who calls mcdonald's i'm like what are you making reservations that must have been the breathiest phone call of all time just are the new toys in yet i asked the lady i was like what was that phone call all about she was like it was somebody complaining about the food that blew my mind even more i didn't know we could complain at mcdonald's it's [ __ ] food that's what you bought that's a gamble i could go to mcdonald's my burger could be bleeding i'd be like that's hilarious you guys are crazy let's get out of here magic complaining to a mcdonald's employee excuse me my meal wasn't great yeah my [ __ ] life isn't great are you [ __ ] me go to a real restaurant [ __ ] i don't care you can complain at mcdonald's i think if they get your meal wrong that's like one thing you get you get your meal the right way you know but even that's not great you could be like excuse me you put pickles on this i don't really like pickles and what they do for you they'll take the pickles off and they eat them while making eye contact with you then they slide your burger back to you i had a complaint recently at mcdonald's but i didn't complain cause i'm a good american goddammit this is my complaint i went to the mcdonald's and i ordered my meal my meal came to 9.89 and i paid with a 10 bill my change is 11 cents and the woman went do you need your 11 cents or no i thought that was weird once again none of you were affected by this i thought that was strange i was like well i would like it that belongs to me typically you would just give that to me at this point in the transaction but she was like right but do you need it and i was like i don't need it no i guess not and then she was like great thank you she took it out of the drawer put it in your pocket and just walked away and i was like what the [ __ ] just happened to me i just got robbed with my permission that was very strange it was like a jedi mcmind trick he's like you don't need your 11 cents i'm like i guess i don't take it [Music] i ate a lot of fast food i eat chipotle a lot that's like my my go-to thank you at chipotle i live here in new york now when you go to fast food restaurants in new york city they have like a secret code on the bathroom door because like they don't want if you don't have a secret code in new york people will move into your bathroom they're like this is our apartment now i don't know if you know this when you go to the middle of the country people don't want to live in the chipotle bathroom so there's no code on the bathroom door which is confusing to us new yorkers like i was in like rural illinois recently and i went to a chipotle and i walked up to the counter and i was like hey what is the bathroom code and the guy had no idea what i was talking about he was like um number one urine number two [ __ ] like is that the code you're asking me for i was like no i know that code of course that's that's the most popular bathroom code of course number one p number two pooh we all know that that's international that's all over the world this should be a statue or a plaque to whoever came up with the number one number two system i googled it for like three straight days i couldn't get to the bottom of who came up with it i think this stuff i think it was a woman i think a woman came up with it because i think women like to let you know when they have to go number two but they don't want to say anything because it's not socially acceptable like my wife she lets me know she has to go number two she telegraphs it slightly this is what she does she scrunches up her body and then she whispers she goes i have to go to the bathroom [Laughter] and i'm like did you date a guy that hit you when you [ __ ] why do you look afraid of me right now baby i love you get in there let it rip am i putting on an anti-bobble movement vibe i'm pro [ __ ] we can make out while you're doing it i like it i'm not i'm not into [ __ ] but you gotta gotta get it out there i'm cool with the bathroom i have no bathroom uh issue i have one bathroom issue but this is only i think only men deal with this at some point uh men reach an age where at some point they start taking their penis out several feet before they arrive at a urinal or stall i don't like that i don't know when that starts happening every once in a while i'm in a public restroom you just see a guy like i gotta take a piss i'm like dude you gotta leave earlier or get less complicated pants something's going wrong it's not like taking your keys out before you get to your car it's offensive i think that's just men by the way i don't go to ladies room but i don't picture women being like heads up barbara i had too many coffees whoa sue great lady oh god [Music] anyways i'm trying to eat healthier it's hard i try to go vegetarian for like a week i was like let me go one week detox vegetarian i didn't i tried i didn't do great i went five days i ate spaghettios m m's and fruit loops exclusively for five straight days and i was like i feel like [ __ ] my teeth hurt this diet sucks i broke the diet by accident day six i ordered spaghetti and meatballs at a rest i swear to god this is true i'm an idiot i was halfway through before i was like you know what i think there might be meat in meatballs i'm gonna let me just double check on this i was like why didn't you guys not put meat in your meatballs you do this ball your balls of meat okay that's correct thank you give me fruit loops by any chance i wanna i wanna be healthy i feel like i'm relatively healthy i went to the doctor uh recently i can afford to go to the doctor now i still don't have health insurance but like i can afford a visit i'm not this is where i'm at financially i'm not rich but um here's where i'm at i had a big milestone recently this is my point in life if i pay for something with a debit card and it doesn't go through i say run it again that's like a big moment in your life most of my lives are like that didn't go through i'm like that makes perfect sense i'll get the hell out of here i apologize i hate myself i'm gonna move back in with my parents don't call the cops but now i'm like no way that's on you i got 300 bones in there i went to the doctor it's nice to go to the doctor you know i went to the ear doctor most people don't go to the ear doctor in fact so few people go to the ear doctor they had to combine forces with the nose and throat doctor that's one doctor ear nose throat that's the only doctor that combines body parts there's no doctor that's like i'm foot [ __ ] forehead those are my three areas oh cool man he's like yeah those are my three favorites so i just studied those and now i yeah that's awesome so i went to the ear nose throat doctor which is a cool doctor it's one doctor he knows all three body parts i was hoping it was three doctors saving money by sharing a small office he's like i'm bill this is susan and ted ear nose throat who do you need they all kind of i went from my ear i have an ear issue called uh tinnitus or tinnitus that's when your ears ring you got it yeah it's frustrating when your ears ring or buzz all the time i don't know how you say it i thought it was called tinnitus but then i watched a youtube video and the doctor in the video he kept saying tinnitus and so then i was like oh i guess it's pronounced tinnitus then i went to the comment section and the first comment said this guy's a fake ass [ __ ] [ __ ] doctor it's pronounced tonight us all caps i was like [ __ ] now i don't know how to say this word gentleman's a doctor he seems very smart this fella seems less smart but extremely adamant about the pronunciation of this work tomato tomato however you say it if you have it don't go to the doctor they don't do [ __ ] i went to the doctor i was like doc i have uh tinnitus or tinnitus whatever you guys are calling it my ears are ringing and they said okay i'm gonna test your hearing and i was like oh no that's okay my hearing is great i hear everything plus ringing so i kind of have superpower hearing if you think about it i'm hearing that's not even in the room he gave me the hearing test i passed it nailed it great hearing then he said i'm gonna look in your ears to make sure it's nothing obvious thought that was kind of hilarious because he didn't explain what obvious would be like he's gonna look in my ear and be like oh there's a tiny alarm clock in your ear canal that's that's a very rare condition i'm gonna reach in there hit the snooze for you you'll be fine for like nine minutes but he looked in my ear it was nothing obvious so then he was out of things he's like well your hearing is great and there's nothing obvious causing the problem then he said this he goes you have an overbite might have something to do with your overbite that was it no science no confidence he just picked out a thing i'm physically self-conscious about i was like maybe that could be your small dick also i don't know you know you have a lot of problems you're very unattractive you're like that's unfair i felt insulted i always feel insulted as a doctor don't you feel so vulnerable at the doctor everything he says he tried to explain tinnitus he's like you have tiny little hairs in your ear and i was like you have big hairs and your nose [ __ ] why don't you leave me alone you fully he said he goes i recommend getting a white noise machine and i was like you're a white noise machine [Laughter] i was like what does a white noise machine do he goes well that way you're hearing the white noise instead of the sound that you're hearing and i was like right the sound i'm hearing is white noise like i have a white noise machine in my head that's the issue you're telling me to get surround sound of the problem i'm telling you i have maybe like if you had a bad smell in your nose and you went to the doctor and he was like put a little dog [ __ ] on your lips [Laughter] just every morning scoop a little dog [ __ ] on your upper lip that's what i would do that way you're smelling dog [ __ ] that'll be eight thousand dollars we don't take any insurance god bless america then i went to the dentist i've been going to the dentist a lot i didn't go to the dentist for like 10 years don't skip years i thought you could just skip over those years but they make you make up for the time you missed i hate the dentist i love my dentist personally like he's a good guy we're friends i love him but dentists are the doctor i trust the least i think they're just making [ __ ] up like cavities i feel like those are completely made up by the dental industry nobody's on board with this but my dad's like you have a cavity and i was like do why it doesn't hurt and he's like cavities don't always hurt and i was like i don't see anything and he's like you can't really see cavities it's like this is awfully convenient for you isn't it it doesn't hurt and i can't see it but you need to fix it that's a little suspicious if you ask me he's like you can ignore it but it'll turn into a root canal and i was like now i feel like you're threatening me i think you're making [ __ ] up and you're threatening me with it i was like whatever fill it i guess he filled the cavity i think he filled it i have no idea they numb your mouth you can't feel what they're doing and you can't see what they're doing so he might have been crocheting i have no idea what this guy did but he charged me 500 bucks which seemed high you know and then i went back six months later you gotta go every six months and this time i needed a root canal different tooth it wasn't even hurting he's like you need a root canal and i was like which two he's like whichever one you want just pick a two i just wanna make some extra cash for the holidays i was like you should i need a root canal he's like oh yeah he showed me the x-ray doctors love to show you the x-ray as though you've read an x-ray at any point in your entire life you toss it up there he's like take a look i'm like i don't know what that is i don't i read books and tweets almost exclusively and he's like see how it's all white right here and i'm like well it's a black and white photo so the whole goddamn photo is white um i was like i can't afford a root canal i was like one of those like three thousand dollars he goes they're not three thousand dollars he said like i was an idiot he's like they're not three thousand dollars and i'm like all right well i'm not a dentist and you don't have a menu with prices on it okay it's like how much do they cost he said eighteen hundred dollars which is a little frustrating because i feel like i was in the ballpark it's like i said 75 000. i was pretty close they did the root canal which was fine and then afterwards he's like now i need a crown and i was like how much did the crown cost and with a straight face he said twelve hundred dollars i swear to god that's not even a joke at all i was like what i'm sorry that sounds an awful lot like three thousand dollars you could have at least given me the satisfaction of nailing it i should get both prizes forgetting that have you guys had root canals they're a bummer they're not that bad i've had like nine in the last three weeks but got their hooks at me they're not that bad they numb your mouth like i said so it doesn't hurt but that's what they do they drill into your tooth i won't get too grab it they drill into your tooth and they just pull the roots out they toss them or plant them i don't know what they're doing with the roots they collect them then they do what they do is they whittle your tooth down to like a little piece of [ __ ] nub and then they glue a fake tooth on top of that and then they go like this we saved it we saved your tooth i'm like you did you saved it you did quite a bit of damage right before you say this most of my tooth is on my glasses right now but you fixed it up new yeah they're looking about to get a haircut and they just shaved your head and gave you a wig and they're like we fixed it it looks a lot better it looked ridiculous for a minute there that'll be 1800 for the haircut and 1200 for the wig it's a package deal [Music] [Laughter] when i went to the eye doctor i got an eye exam i didn't get an eye exam for like 10 years do you know why i didn't get an idea for 10 years because i was basically off dental prices i thought i couldn't afford an eye exam i was like it cost me 3 500 to fix two teeth that weren't even bothering me what the hell is eyesight going to cost uh 75 that's so much that's how much an eye exam cost in new york city 75 bucks i showed up with 5 000 in my pocket i walked in there with all my money i was like just let me see again i'll give you the rest when i have it like that'll be 75 bucks i'm like are you [ __ ] me give me two eye exams double check both eyes i'll pay for that i'll pay for everybody's eye exams all day i'm like daddy warbucks in here i don't think eye doctors have any idea how much dentists are charging out there they could really up their prices if they wanted to i thought maybe like eye doctors like the lowest self-esteem doctor they're like can you read the bottom line it's fine if you can't i can't either i'm a [ __ ] idiot stupid my dad hates me and you're like geez you're right our teeth more expensive than eyes that's like unbelievable to me you have so many more teeth if you lose a tooth nobody even notices if you lose an eye you have a new nickname people notice if you lose an eye your friends are gonna be like didn't you used to have multiple eyes you did yeah too i thought you had two plus teeth has other options too like if you can't afford a root canal they can pull the tooth for you it takes like three minutes it's fairly cheap they don't have that at the eye doctor you know you're like i can't read the bottom line like wants to pull that out we can toss that thing right away for you we'll give you some gauze and some vicodin don't eat anything solid for a couple days i'm going to therapy you guys going to therapy out there mental and dental [Music] no not a big therapy in new york too i love it i can do it for you if you guys wanted to go maybe you can't afford it i can do it for you i don't i didn't go to college or anything but i know how to do therapy i've been going long enough whatever you're dealing with it's because of your family look no further than your own family that's all therapy is you complain about your problems and he says it's your family and then you're like still great then you give them your money and then you leave at first i was skeptical i was like i don't know and then i spent 11 seconds with my family and i was like he nailed it these are the worst people i've ever met in my life i don't know i didn't see this earlier my aunt betty she's a big source of my anxiety i don't know if you guys know her at all um she was a babysitter late 80s early 90s i have anxiety that's like my big issue i think i know when my anxiety began i think it was because my own betty when i was eight years old this is a true story my aunt betty said this to me she said joe my biggest fear she told me her biggest fear i didn't ask her what her biggest fear was because i was eight years old i did not give a [ __ ] about her fears but she told me anyway she said my biggest fear is that when i go to the bathroom there'll be a man hiding behind the shower curtain waiting to get me and i was like well that's my biggest fear now also previously my biggest fear had been wetting my pants but that's now the solution to avoiding my new biggest fear entering the bathroom at my parents house my parents like what do you want for your ninth birthday i'm like how about a urinal in my bedroom and maybe a firearm and a new babysitter the big three that was my big feeling as a kid wetting my pants can you get like frightened of anything or scared which i was scared of everything if you get frightened by something you can just urinate right in your pants and then your life is ruined that's a weird mind-body connection i never understood like your brain is like i'm terrified and then your bladder is like we'll go ahead and piss then and then your brain's like that didn't help at all and your bladder is like that's all we know how to do we just want to let you know we were helping i don't know and then your colon's like we're ready to rock also if you want us to fire something up [Laughter] fortunately my aunt betty was never attacked by a man behind the shower curtain which is good i mean it still happens she's still alive it probably won't she lives with their parents they have a security system set up she's always lived with her parents she's never moved out she's never been married she had the wrong worst fear um she should have been praying for a man behind that shower curtain she might have been able to scooch on out of that house but that joke i mean evidently but she's an [ __ ] in real life don't worry about it you guys really took her side that hurt my feelings god damn it what about my feelings i'll tell you what's good about therapy you get a diagnosis you find out what's going on like what's wrong you know like we're all [ __ ] up you know if you go to third you get a diagnosis like i have ocd obsessive-compulsive disorder which is fun i like to say i have it some people word it differently some people will say this i am ocd you ever meet those people like i got to wash my hands i'm ocd that triggers my ocd cause i'm like you're not saying it properly i guess it sounds normal because you hear it so it sounds normal but watch me replace it with something else i gotta go wash my hands i'm genital [Laughter] herpes look i'm sorry you have no no i am genital herpes it's who i am call me jen for short it's very serious i'm trying to relax more it's hard i got into buddhism i'm like a buddhist sort of i read a buddhist book you know it wasn't a book it was a meme if i'm being honest with you guys but i like to say book you sound smarter when you say you read a book but memes are more they're preferable they're more succinct you know this is what it said had a good quote it said let negative thoughts come into your head but don't serve them tea because you don't want your negative thoughts lingering around drinking tea that's like the analogy i guess my negative thoughts aren't drinking tea mine are doing cocaine that's a better analogy my negative thoughts are like climate change is gonna make the world uninhabitable [Music] tomorrow i read this human beings have up to 70 000 thoughts a day did you guys know that i thought it was like nine i had no idea 70 000 is too many i don't think i have 70 000 thoughts a day i feel like i have four thoughts a day they just repeat 70 000 times my four thoughts are my parents gonna die i'm horny is that cancer is this funny those are the only four thoughts i never have in my life i've been traveling a lot it's stressful to travel i went to uh israel last year i don't know if you guys have been it's new york you probably have the uh i went to the dead sea that's like a big attraction in israel you guys know about the dead sea even if you've never been you're familiar but you can float that's like the big attraction to the dead sea you float i don't know if you guys know this did you know this you can actually float in any body of water you do not have to travel to the middle east if you'd like to float in water you can do that right here in america they don't know that over there they're like get in the water you'll float i'm like we have chairs that float they have little cup holders we do it all summer it's terrific we got foam noodles you can buy them for three bucks but i went i didn't want to go but you got to try new things that's very important in life that's what they say i think new things are overrated honestly once you get to a certain age i'm 37 i like chicken parm and missionary sex that's all i'm really into people like what about veal and reverse cowgirl like those are inhumane if you ask me but i went to the dead sea i had a tour guide he gave me some fun facts with the dead sea he said it's the lowest body of water on earth and i was like oh that's neat then he added a second part that i thought was annoying he said he goes uh it's actually below sea level and i was like i don't know if you're smarter than me or dumber than me but it's not below sea level it is sea level it's the c whatever the level is that's the level you can't be below yourself and he's like actually you can be and i was like maybe you should blow yourself i thought that was hilarious right off the top my head that was pretty good he didn't laugh at all i think someone was lost in translation but i thought it was a good singer then he said this he warned me so when you get in the water if you have any cuts or nicks or abrasions on your body you're going to really feel it because the salt can get in there and i was like i don't have any cuts or nicks or abrasions on my body so i'm not too worried about it but then i got in the water and you know what i found out your pee hole qualifies as a cut nick or abrasion i had no idea all these years am i walking around with a cut on the end of my penis or a nick might be a dick nick i'm not sure i got in the water i was like ah and then he was like is your pee hole burning a little bit and i was like you [ __ ] knew about this you gave me that shitty snapple fact about the sea level failed to mention i might have a burning pee hole because it's normal i'm like no it's not that's abnormal normally i have no burning in my penis while swimming he's like you'll get used to it i was like i'm not gonna get used to it i'm going to get out of the water and go back to america i'm not i don't wanna just have a burning dick and be like oh it's an acquired taste after a few minutes invigorating guys if you want to experience the dead sea go home tonight get a glass of water fill it with salt and then just ease down into the get a sense of what the dead seas about ladies it's harder it's harder to you can't it's hard to dip your vagina in a glass vaginas don't dangle you know some do but i feel like i don't know if it happens with women because i was a friend of mine rachel she's a woman we got out of the water and i was like rachel my pee hole did your vagina burn at all and she was like i only went in knee-deep and i was like oh me too um thank you it was the proudest moment of my comedy career i went to ireland uh last year i've been there a couple times that's a beautiful country they have uh they like to fight there that's like a big stereotype fighting irish i don't like stereotypes but they nailed that one i saw so many fights i saw the biggest fight i've ever seen a big brawl it was two bouts i was in dublin there was two bouncers from a bar fighting this one other guy and i think he was like a patriot i don't know how the fight started it was already in progress when i got there they might have been fighting for centuries but it was two on one and the three of them they just kicked the [ __ ] out of each other eventually the two guys they beat up the one guy because they had more arms than he had that's that's a big advantage in a fight they knocked the guy down that's what happened they knocked the guy down finally and they didn't hit him while he was down they just kind of stood there like we've won the fight and i was really i was like i respect that because here in america if you get in a fight and you get a guy down you kick him until he dies you know what i mean we're number one god damn it i'm from boston maybe you guys aren't that maybe that's the but he didn't kill him he didn't hit him all he just kind of stood there and then i was like these guys are real gentlemen they don't hit a man when he's down but then plot twist the guy he was laying on the ground his girlfriend came running over and she was like you sons of [ __ ] and one of the guys blasted her right in the face and i was like wow i seem to have jumped the gun on my assessment of these fellas not quite as gentlemanly as i first suspected won't hit a man when he's down we'll hit a woman when she's up so i was like i better do something goddammit i'm a man i'm an american i'm gonna take action so i did i tweeted i was like i just saw some crazy [ __ ] hashtag blessed fire it off hit em where it hurts the lady was fine by the way she wasn't injured i would not make a joke if she was hurt she was completely fine i think she might have been on meth um i think that because i read there's a meth problem in dublin and then when the woman got punched in the face she went like this and i was like i think that might be one of those meth people i was reading about that seems like a messy reaction to a punch in the face and by the way she won the fight both guys are like oh [ __ ] that's crazy let's get out of here they kind of left and then she was crying and then she kind of hugged her man he was bleeding in the street they kind of hugged and for a moment i got like kind of jealous i was like my wife and i never do fun stuff like this anymore that's really sweet you know then this part you're gonna think i'm making this up but i swear to god this really happened the woman she walked over to the bar she opened the front door the bar and she yelled inside she went all we wanted was some chips that's when i was like i really wish i saw the beginning of this fight because [Music] i feel like there has to be more to that story there's no way like that woman was sitting at the bar she was like can we get some chips right over here take them outside beat the [ __ ] out of him and punch her right in the [ __ ] face we do not sell chips at this establishment the rest of my time in ireland was like can i get some chips but if not no big deal i don't want to cause a big i know you're very particular about your chip distribution in this country i understand you had a famine some time ago i don't want to cause any problems but did you have a wife we have sex you guys having sex out there you like that segway you don't like about sex i like sexist you keep learning you know what i mean like i've been having sex for a number of years but like sometimes i still feel like it's a learning experience like recently my wife and i had sex she had a cold we had sex anyways she's a real trooper you know in the middle of the sex she coughed and it ejected my penis out of her body did you guys know that happens not a little bit a hundred percent out of her body i was like whoa what it was like a magic trick evidently that's one tube all the way down ear nose throat vagina it's ian tv i was like i'm gonna get some cough drops or a bigger dick something has to change here ladies you know you can do that next time you're having sex with your man and he's not giving you the way you like it just give them a good [Laughter] they'll come back with that weak ass [ __ ] i'll cough you right out of this relationship i was nervous to get back in there i'm like if she sneezes i'm going to be dead on the ceiling over here i got back in there back on the horse as they say the horse being my wife in this particular situation she's more of a pony she's very deep like i was really holding onto that headboard because i was nervous and then she did have to sneeze i thought she was having an orgasm at first they sound similar she's like huh for like one second i was like i'm [ __ ] hitting it today yeah then she sneezed and blew it in my face i was like that makes more sense then i came and said god bless you that was kind of hot it was fun that's actually a better time to say god bless you really sex is fun i love it sex is different when you're married looks like i'm a dirty guy like i like to get dirty and weird you know like i'm a dirty guy but like when you're married you can't get too dirty because you have to segue back into your regular life together you know what i mean like when you're single you could say crazy [ __ ] you could do whatever you like i can't ever see this person again that was weird but when you're married it's hard to be like stuff in my balls and choke me [ __ ] and then five minutes later like i'll do the dishes if you vacuum is that cool sorry sorry about earlier i don't know what happened there that's why i go entry-level dirty talk just kind of regular you know what i mean like the other day we were having sex i don't know i get too graphic out of respect but she was on top and i went yeah [ __ ] me something right standard and then she said i am [Applause] i had to be like no i know i i know you are it was more of a rhetorical then i tried to cough her off of me i want to see if i can do it to her nothing doing i gotta do some giggles or something i love my wife i love her family she has a sister we're buddies i was hanging out my wife's sister the other day and you ever sent a text message too quick and you missed a letter or a word and it like changes the whole text we've all had that i had that happen recently i was hanging out my sister-in-law and my wife texted and she wrote how things go with my sister and i wrote back great she's a lot of fun i wish you were her that's a bad text i mentioned right i wish you were here obviously i felt bad i had to call her i was like i didn't mean to write that i was distracted i was trying to [ __ ] your sister but i got a little confused but i wish you were here so we could all fool around a little you know like in the movies it's weird when you date or marry someone with a sibling because siblings tend to look alike because they have the same parents but you're not supposed to be attracted to the sibling because it's inappropriate but they look alike you got to pretend they don't you're going to be like baby you're the most beautiful woman i've ever seen in the whole world but this younger version of you is very off-putting to me i don't i would never be attracted to a slightly newer version of you i don't that's gross i'm very attracted to my wife because you want to i want her to be like attracted to me i don't know it's hard because like when you're married you want the person to be attracted to you i google things that are sexy to women and uh you shouldn't do that that's a that's a mistake i read about 25 articles i had none of the things in any of the articles which was a bummer one thing said making the bed is sexy i make the bed but i think that's a [ __ ] article that's just a woman trying to get guys to make her bed i'm pretty sure like some woman was like put down making the bed let's see if they try that her editor's like that's not really sexy she's like let's get our beds made if nothing else these guys are idiots i don't picture a woman be like ooh look at the way he snaps out the wrinkles that's so hot some things i think should be sexy to women but they're not like i don't understand women like the other day i was putting my socks on and my foot just ripped right through it i was like i turned to my wife i'm like huh you want a bang or what she's like what are you talking about i'm too much man that's what i'm talking about my goddamn socks can't even contain me anymore she's like no you idiot you have a hole in the toe oh my god whatever it is sometimes it's confusing what sexy is my wife and i one time we were watching brokeback mountain together and she got turned on not by the sex there's a scene i don't know if you saw the movie i won't give anything away in case you've been waiting 17 years to watch this masterpiece we're watching the movie there's a scene in the movie where jake gyllenhaal's character he yells at his father-in-law he says sit your ass down you old son of a [ __ ] it's like a big scene in the movie and then my wife was like ooh that was hot i was like is that hot should i be yelling at your dad a turn-on that never even crossed my mind i wake up every morning i do 100 push-ups and i make the bed i never thought to reprimand your father [Laughter] i aim to please though you know we're to visit her parents her dad's like i'm gonna take my princess out for ice cream i was like that's what you think you fat [ __ ] [Laughter] he was like what is wrong with you i'm like i don't know what's wrong with her that's the real question you raised this weirdo i'm trying to stay sexually relevant i would love an ice cream that's not what she's into so sit down you son of a [ __ ] didn't turn around at all by the way it turned her mother on she loved it she was like yeah give it to him hit this [ __ ] i think i have a chance with her mother we'll see feels inappropriate you gotta spice it up though we've been together a long time you know sex you gotta mix it up i like i tell you what i like i like shoes in bed that's my thing anybody i'm talking like high heels not new ballots or asics gonna be something nice i like shoes and because they don't belong in bed it's like a threesome like you shouldn't be here but stick around i like where this is going that's a sexy look on a woman by the way naked with shoes not a man man we're not quite able to pull that look off just yet if i'm naked wearing shoes i look like a toddler that ran away from his mother while she was changing him you ever seen that when someone's changing the kid and the kid makes a run for it he's like no tiny dick flipping everywhere he hides in the curtains that's me you know i think is when a woman is naked wearing shoes it's kind of like she's like i forgot to get dressed a man naked with shoes is like i forgot to take my medicine i don't know what got into me i'm sorry [Laughter] i like morning sex that's my favorite sex morning sex first thing right yeah there you go i love it my wife doesn't like it i'm like let's have some morning sex she's like no i want to start my day yeah i want to start my day also that's what i was referring to frankly it's a little hurtful that you wouldn't consider that part of your day then she's just eating cereal i just got [ __ ] blocked by tony the tiger it's not a great feeling i think the problem with morning sex morning breath that's the main problem morning breath i'm pretty sure is how doggy style sex got invented like there was a couple having sex first thing in the morning and then 30 seconds in the woman's like let's try this with my face buried in the pillow that'll be better we can still do it i'll just lift my genitals to you and hide my nostrils in the linens thank you for making the bed by the way that's really nice of you thank you guys very much that's it thanks a lot i appreciate it thank you take care thank you very much [Applause] ladies and gentlemen joyless oh my god let him hear everybody come on [Music] do [Music] do you

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 4,011,868

Rating: 4.8219304 out of 5

Keywords: Joe List, I Hate Myself, Joe List: I Hate Myself, Joe List comedian, Joe List stand up, Joe List special, stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedian, comedians, full, full special, comedy cellar, ocd, obsessive compulsive, obsessive compulsive disorder, mental health, anxiety, flying, planes, flight, wife, delta, sleep, mcdonalds, dentists, funny, funny video, comedy videos, jokes, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, humor, best comedy, best stand up

Id: odtAJ2kPdqc

Length: 56min 0sec (3360 seconds)

Published: Thu Aug 06 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/RhysHalliwell]

The guy opened with 20 minutes of hilarious and totally original air travel material. How is that still possible with the amount of airplane jokes that have been done throughout the years? A true testament to his genius.

[u/Doctorphotograph]

Love that fatty

[u/TheVan78]

Killer. Saw it live when he was touring. One of the best

[u/bushybearmuffinman]

He’s got a car now too

[u/Det_Sipowicz]

My favorite comic, and that's my favorite name for a special in years. Cant wait.

[u/[deleted]]

Damn, hes right about people sitting looking at those people walking by like cunts... Im aware of the phenomenon but never really thought about the fact its a thing... fuck those people..

[u/jhove5010]

The whole McDonald’s bit was hilarious. Very good special

[u/tdillard2933]

Feel free to follow r/MindfulMetalJacket or r/tuesdayswithstories if you liked his special. Both are great podcasts.

[u/JPKtoxicwaste]

Oh man that was great. I just watched the entire thing and I’m crying. Never heard of this guy before but he is hilarious