The Machine - Bert Kreischer: THE MACHINE

when I was 22 I got involved with Russian mafia here's how it happened on what school at Florida State I was not a very good student I was there like seven years I was there in most of the 90s I I was in college longer than grunge music was around to this how bad of a student I was one time I signed up for a Russian class thinking it was Spanish and it took three classes for I realize I don't think this is Spanish so I got it to leave the teacher who was hot he definitely worked out I'm kidding I don't it was a girl it was a girl and she was hot she still is hot she stopped me she goes don't go anywhere I need 14 kids he just got here the 14th I need to teach his class in order to get my masters so if you sit back down you don't have to do anything all semester and I'll just give you a C I was like straws boots yeah [ __ ] I'm back so I took Russian one two three and four never learned a word think about what I'm saying I took two years of language took four semesters of my college career for four semesters Russian four was taught in Russian do you have any idea what it's like to go to a class and sit there like an immigrant at the DMV all day life the under Russian for same teacher pulls me aside like we're taking the trip to Russia if you go you'll get a minor I was like okay hold on you know I can't really speak read write or understand the language right she's like I'm [ __ ] well aware of that you got to remember I was taking tests in a language with which I was unfamiliar with their alphabet do you have any idea what it's like to take a test and make up hieroglyphics and the answer is Star Circle hashtag shoe excuse it doesn't matter we need kids to make this trip happen and if you go with all the classes you've taken and the ones you will take you will get a minor and I was like oh that's all you had to say let's go to Russia and [ __ ] some minors it's a different it was different minor obviously learn that the hard way so we went to Russia in 1995 this is when the mob ran everything and they told us out our very first night this had the whole class down they're like listen we have paid off the Mafia to keep you safe in exchange for our money they give us two young gangsters I'm in the room like this trip just got [ __ ] awesome the word for gangster and Russian is bun bTW they go these bundy you're gonna live with us they're gonna walk you to class they're gonna walk you back from class gonna take you on field trips walk you back from field trips do not speak to them they're in the Mafia do not look at them do not engage them do not interact with them I was like they're gonna be my best [ __ ] friends so the first time I grabbed a bottle of vodka and a six-pack of ball to go which is her local beer and I planned a sentence I was gonna say stress Fouzia minyak salute Burt Oh Jim Brianna he had a bow tie you coach God say what speak Russian in here I love this someone says no no I did a head count earlier it doesn't look like it I'll tell you what the sentence says it's a badass sentence I worked all day on it hello my name is Burt it's very nice to meet you I work [ __ ] kind of it really means I work with cats I didn't know the [ __ ] language what do you expect it doesn't matter because the second the door opens and I'm face to face with a real Russian gangster with the wife beater and the tattoos with the track pants and the cigarette and he just stares me up and down a frat boy from Florida State I was wearing a fanny pack he just looks at me and goes stole I [ __ ] panicked and everything I plan on saying flooded out of my head and all I said to him in Russian in his doorway was I am the machine and he started laughing he goes what did you say I was like out of the machine he grabs me to goes come in and tell my friends brings me in a room full of nine Russian gangsters drinking and smoke and just goes stop tell them what you said now I'm like [ __ ] it i'ma shade they looked at each other looked at me and they're like the machine and I became the machine and these guys loved me yes you gotta realize though the reason they loved me is I went shot-for-shot with him that night all night long until like 4:00 in the morning but all I knew how to say in their language was of the machine and I [ __ ] cats so we did everything together we like the guy that answered the door his name was Igor he was like my best friend we did everything together we ran a pool hall scam we stole a boat it was literally the best summer of my life and then one day the whole class is taking the trip to Moscow it's an overnight train trip and I say to eat where I go there's gonna be a blast we gotta be in the same cabinet he goes I can't go I said why not he goes different mafia runs train different mafia runs Moscow I said well hold on what's that mean for me and he goes don't worry I set up band et I tell them about you they'll take care of you sure enough we get to the train station and he introduces me to my two new gangsters Igor and Igor and he says to me goes guys this is the machine if you give the machine but you'll have a great time the bigger the two Everson's hang a kid on Christmas he's like whoa I can't wait to play with a machine he grabs me goes the Machine doesn't sit in coach the machines it's in first class with us I'm like that's what I'm [ __ ] talking about we go to first class and then it's pimped out with booze food and here's the real gangster part second the train takes off out of the station everyone that works on the train comes in to pay their respects the conductor walked in rips off the stars and stripes to his shirt places them on my lap and goes this is a present for the Machine it would be an honor to do a shot of vodka with the Machine I'm 22 years old thinking oh these machine stories might have gotten out of control we drank all the booze in an hour and biggie or stands up and goes machine we go to the bar cart to get more vodka I'm like [ __ ] it I'm in the mob I'll do it over the [ __ ] I want we roll into the bar car like a big dick in a locker room just not that I've ever been that guy but I've seen it just smack you know the look where everyone looks look oh [ __ ] okay whoa someone's here okay all right egor looks at me and in Russian he says machine go behind the bar and grab bread in Russian in Russian and I understood him for a second I'm like I'm [ __ ] learning I'm learning the language my way not through flashcards and textbooks but by joining the mafia I get behind the bar I'm like Igor I know what you said he said go for the old machine and the Machine find cheese I was like give me the other one he's like grab fog cows like I already know that one give you another one he's like grab the money I'm like huh he goes grab the [ __ ] money and I realized at that instant we're robbing the bar cart and I'm the one doing it hooked on phonics style I grab the money walk out to my classmate see me and they're like you're in so much trouble go back to our first-class cabin within five minutes the head chaperone of this train trip not the whole trip just this train trip she was an English teacher who did not speak Russian who hated me before I robbed the train she comes over to our first-class cabin and swings the door open without like liberal arts confidence just this [ __ ] is over you're done you're done stand up right now you you stand up sit up dick help you're done stand up and big Igor looks at me confused then smiles takes a big sip of vodka spits it in her eyes and goes no one talks to the machine like that shuts in order facing us [ __ ] that [ __ ] this is Russia don't worry machine when it gets dark we have good time like what the [ __ ] are we doing when it gets dark reaches in his pocket pulls out a ring of keys and he goes we robbing the whole [ __ ] train I'm a good person I don't see no I don't you know this why let me tell you I don't cheat on my wife I don't cheat on my wife because one morning our whole family was in bed the dog's the cat's the girls my wife and we were just giggling and it was pure it was perfect and I thought to myself I don't ever want to screw this up this most important thing this is what its life's about and they got up to make chopped chocolate chip pancakes and I laid in bed and I said I will never cheat on my wife had a conversation with myself I said if I ever get into a situation where a hot girls flirting with me or I think she's flirting with me and it seems like he could go further I'm just gonna [ __ ] block myself I'm just gonna look her in the face in front of everyone go I don't now I may be wrong she may not be hitting on me she may throw a drink in my face slap me or I may be right I know that matters to me what matters to me is that I don't cheat on my wife because I've already had that conversation here's the problem I never had that conversation about robbing trains so when presented the opportunity I thought I'd be like not me I'm gonna go back and work on my verbs but apparently when presented the opportunity I'm the guy that's like bucket let's start with my class so we robbed them first while they slept if that makes it better and then we robbed the whole train it was any consolation we robbed me - my bag was with them and then we drank all night long all night like literally until 6:00 in the morning top five drunks I've ever been without throwing up in my entire life we pulling a Moscow at 6:00 a.m. I'm pissed drunk you ever been so drunk you're like I know I got a piss but I get by my dick train stops Sun's up one hammered door opens same teacher not mad curious right she looks me in the eyes smiling goes I want to be the one to tell you they've alerted the police and I look out and on the platform my whole class is standing there with a cop talking they're upset they've been robbed I got it apparently they've never heard snitches get stitches big igor sees this and it's completely unfazed he's like don't worry I talked to police for both of us I was like oh thank god he cracks a bottle of vodka like I wouldn't bring that out to an officer maybe lights a cigarette walks out to the cop who's taking a statement the cop is taking a statement eager walks up behind them grabs him by the arm spins him around and goes [ __ ] you we [ __ ] you in the mouth I'm like stop with the [ __ ] we [ __ ] now the cop is just staring at me and I hear him bark out party do the dance good yeah which I don't even know what that means but it doesn't sound like you're okay stay there it is a come-to-jesus moment where you know you [ __ ] up all I thought as I walked to the cop who's standing in front of the class I just robbed next to the gangster I robbed them with my only thought was this isn't how I plan on spending my second junior year and the Gulag taking hot dicks to the throat I get five steps in the cop who looks impatient as [ __ ] he takes too big a steps grabs me by the arm spins me away from my class away from he Gore pulls me right into his face and he goes so I understand you're the Machine nice tonight you party with us I was like what he's like tonight you party with us yes and I looked at him and I was like wait I'm not in trouble and he gets so close to me I can smell his morning cigarette he goes no [ __ ] that [ __ ] this is Russia [Applause]

Channel: Bert Kreischer

Views: 33,899,399

Rating: 4.9100995 out of 5

Keywords: Bert Kreischer, The Machine, Showtime, Comedy, Stand up comedy, Storytelling, Russian Mob, Mafia, Russia, Joe Rogan, Ari Shaffir, Tom Segura, Joey Diaz, Jim Jefferies, Bill Burr, Kevin Hart, Bobby Kelly, Train

Id: paG1-lPtIXA

Length: 13min 52sec (832 seconds)

Published: Wed Dec 28 2016

Reddit Comments

[u/BorecoleMyriad]

Looks like he can run a marathon with little to no training.

[u/JohnnyHammerstix]

This one is honestly a MUCH better rendition of the story. I've seen his stand up special and a few live shows but this clip has ALWAYS been my favorite delivery of the story.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3yYJnQWIRLU

[u/fintel]

Jeez, he must tell this story like 12 times a week

[u/Amythir]

I will never not-upvote The Machine.

[u/[deleted]]

prayforjoerogan

[u/atomicllama1]

Burnt Chrysler is fat.

[u/frmsea2okc]

BertIsFat

[u/hammerjam]

I really hope Bert makes it through October. He's certainly got it the roughest next to Joe Rogan for Sober-Octobert. #PrayForJoe

[u/Snake_Ward]

Watch the cartoon someone made of that story when he was on the Joe Rogan experience https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PAtFsJY5q0