Cops Caught Me Driving High

i was driving home from the comedy store one night which is where i perform when i'm in l.a it was about one in the morning on a wednesday night and so you guys doesn't mean anything to you but when i drive home i live off of ventura boulevard and near my house ventura boulevard is like four lanes wide and it's straight and when i drive home at one in the morning on a wednesday nobody's on the road so i'll always light a joint two miles from my house why two miles from my house i appreciate you asking because through a lot of trial and error i have found that two miles takes three songs right and at the end of three songs third song i'm pulling it into my driveway and that's when the weed is really hitting me it's science guys it's science right so i feel good three songs two miles pull into the driveway you're high so i hit the two mile mark and i i i light up my joint i roll up the windows i'm hot boxing myself and um i'm picking i decide i'm gonna listen to three allman brothers songs right and so i'm picking them out i'm picking them out picking them out i pick out the third song and uh i let a huge puff of smoke i know i'm gonna be super high and i look up and i see a sign that says you are now entering a dui checkpoint and i was like oh no no no no no no no no no no now what's my first instinct turn around do you know why i didn't do that for sure the cops have thought of that do you know what i mean like there's no way you can get out of a dui by doing this well i don't want to drive over there that's not going to get you out of the ticket you know so i'm like i just gotta drive through so i roll down the windows i get a little air tornado going you know what i mean and um i get in a long line of cars and at the other end of the line there's a police officer and he's either pulling people over or he's letting them go through so i'm waiting in line and waiting in line and one song goes by and i'm like oh no tick tock tick tock everybody you know what i mean at the end of that third song i'm going to [ __ ] jail if i am still in this line so i'm sitting there i'm getting nervous middle of the line second song ends and i'm like and by the way guys it's not that i'm not used to being in line when i'm high but there's usually a [ __ ] burrito at the other end of the line you know what i mean not some dude who's going to ruin my life you know checking checking check-in second song ends i go up to the front there's one car in front of me third song ends and i'm as high as i'm gonna be which is pretty high third song ends but he lets this woman go through and i was like oh [ __ ] there's hope he's letting people go through so anybody by the way and anybody who's ever been high or high in front of a cop or high driving you'll understand this there's hope so all i'm thinking all i'm thinking when i'm pulling over the cop all i'm thinking the entire time is just don't look high i was practicing my not high face in the rear view i was like you know doing a little uh i was trying to look as cool as i could you know but for whatever and i landed on a face that i thought for sure was going to keep me out of jail but for whatever reason when i pulled up to the cop that's not the face that came out when i pulled up the cop i went like this like i went full force gump on this dude hey lieutenant dan you know and he just goes can you pull it over for me i please it over right and he walks up to the car and he goes you roll down the window please i said yes sir and i'm not kidding guys like i like i roll it down maybe an inch maybe an itch i just kind of lean back and i go how are you tonight and because it was the only thing he could fit in my car dude stuck his lips in my window and he goes just like this he goes can you roll it down a little more for me please right now look guys i'm high right so all he's got is his lips in my window which means the top half of his face is over my car all i can see is his mouth moving like this and when you're high i don't care who it is that's [ __ ] funny right so this dude is talking to me like this and i'm sitting in the front seat like and i just see him go roll out the [ __ ] window and i was like yeah you're right you're right uh you're right i rolled down the window and as soon as i rolled down the window my man stuck his head in my car like a [ __ ] velociraptor he was all and he just started sniffing my face just and i was freaking the [ __ ] out for sure he could see the heartbeat in the side of my neck like legging right you know when you can feel your heart beating every orifice you know when your [ __ ] has a heartbeat you know what i'm talking about that's when you know you're scared when your asshole's like get us out of here you know so i thought i was going to jail like for sure but as quickly as he stuck his head in my car he took it out and he said well you don't smell like alcohol and marijuana and i said uh i don't i was genuinely surprised i'm not gonna lie to you i was legitimately surprised i had just been smoking weed in this car 50 feet ago how do i not smell like weed i'm not gonna lie to you i was a little mad at the dude who sold me the weed i'm like this is some punk-ass [ __ ] i should smell like weed right now but he can being a police officer he kind of caught on to my question and he said do you think you should smell like it and i said no sir no sir i was just at the comedy store and sometimes when you walk through the crowd somebody might spill a beer on you or something and i said and i hang out in the parking lot and you know and all the other comics smoke weed oh i'm throwing everybody under the bus i don't give a [ __ ] guess who's not going to jail your boy he goes yeah he goes you don't smell like it and he said plus your eyes look fine and i was thinking to myself well you're pretty bad at your job man i i don't feel safe driving through this checkpoint to tell you the truth i don't know who you let through ahead of me you're not good at your job i don't feel safe with you on the road i'll tell you what and then i started to think how are they going to dui test us stoners how i want to show you guys okay pay attention [Applause] been smoking weed since noon [Applause] dexterity is not our issue we fool pretty easily i mean you could trick us you know what i mean if he wanted to bust me for dui it would have been way easier he should have just walked up to the car and been like how you doing tonight pretty good sir how are you great you had any alcohol marijuana no sorry i'm not you done anything to impair your ability to operate a motor vehicle no sir i have not great well before i let you go just wanted to let you know that there is a sandwich on the hood of your [Music] car what kind of sandwich [Music] [Music] you

Channel: Josh Wolf

Views: 1,725,318

Keywords: Josh Wolf, comedy, stand-up, stand up, stand-up comedy, stand up comedy, comedy clips, comedy show, comedian, funny, laugh, father, son, weird, comedy special, best comedian, funniest comedian, top comedian, cops, checkpoint, DUI

Id: TyXSlnk0W54

Length: 8min 29sec (509 seconds)

Published: Fri Oct 16 2020