Jump Cut Special

hey what's going on everybody super excited for you guys to watch the jump cut special this is just a bunch of riffs and a couple of my old favorite stories grouped together from a weekend i did it one of my favorite clubs in the country comedy works in denver i hope you enjoy jump cut special and remember tune in for a new live hour of comedy march 4th streaming at 8 o'clock central go to comedianjoshwolf.com for tickets to watch the news special father time but in the meantime enjoy the jump cut special y'all later put your hands together everyone for josh wolfe [Applause] okay it's it's uh what's going on saturday late show [ __ ] yeah all right first of all thank you guys for coming down and uh man uh how many people tell you that you look like guy fieri fiat everybody yeah so i would shave the goatee then uh no i say it every time i come to denver um i'm [ __ ] winded all the time here i mean before i start in the special like you'll notice about 30 minutes in if i'm like it's so embarrassing and i said it before i said it again i don't know how you guys do it but like out you feel good here right and people actually yeah yeah and then when you go down to street level do you [ __ ] fight crime and [ __ ] is that what you think it's on a sea level you guys pick up cars over your heads and you're like are you a superhero no i'm from denmark [Applause] right there winded winded raised my voice tired as [ __ ] dude okay around downtown denver you guys have some uh you've got some [ __ ] you've got some spoiled homeless people here literally bought some food walked it out to the dude he opened it and he goes i don't eat that i go i go what do you mean he goes what is that hummus i go yeah and he goes i don't eat that [Laughter] i'm like wanna he was like i don't like the texture i'm like you live in a box eat the [ __ ] hummus this isn't the first bad decision you've made i promise you today i got asked a question that nobody has ever asked me before and it [ __ ] stumped me i was talking to a friend of mine on the phone i was interviewing him we were doing a little interview from me and i asked him a question i'm sure he's been asked a million times he's a gay guy and i asked him i said when did you know you were gay and he told me and then he asked me a question nobody's ever asked me before at the end of the interview he said to me when did you know you weren't gay and i was like what he goes what was the moment i was like was there supposed to be a moment so i started to think about it i'm like was there a moment and i think there was and i bet you it's the same for most straight guys the moment you realize you're not gay is when you're a teenager and you're masturbating and you get you look down at the wrong time and you get a little bit of your own [ __ ] on your face you're like i don't [ __ ] like that at all you know that you know it's happened to all of us one point in time that hits your face you're like i'm not on that team that's not my team i don't like that [ __ ] yeah you know it's funny i told my brother i go yeah man he goes yeah that happened to me twice dude i go twice yeah i knew i didn't like it enough the first time where i was like that [ __ ] is not happening to me again that means you leaned into it the second time so you guys uh uh i'm i mean first of all i love love love love love this club and um i am i'm super excited i have been waiting i've been waiting to tell to try these stories at this club so you guys we're gonna hear just a sweatshirt everybody um we're gonna you guys wanna we're gonna hear some jokes nobody's heard we're ready for some new new stuff okay okay so you want queen city [Music] oh i had no idea why you said that i was like what am i putting out there that that's my nickname all of a sudden it's weird when you take off your sweatshirt and someone's like what's up queen city [Music] i just want you to know uh nobody's that surprised i know you sound surprised i guess we gotta leave people think i'm loud [Laughter] might be a good idea i think not [ __ ] one ounce of self-awareness i guess she thinks i'm being loud jesus not the best way to [ __ ] please your case i guess all right well that was fun my daughter by the way and i will say this with confidence a ride or die chick she always has been let me tell you so here's how i knew right up front about her okay so my youngest son jacob was about four we're at one of those indoor playgrounds and my daughter was probably seven there was a ten-year-old boy picking on my son and i was like oh i'm off to beat the [ __ ] out of a ten-year-old today and then my daughter walks up to him and goes and he's up this much taller she walks up and she goes hey and he goes yeah and she goes you see this and he goes yeah and she goes and he goes what was that for and she goes you're going to see a lot more of it if you don't stop messing with him move along and i was like oh [ __ ] yeah my son ready for this so he's not super bright and um and uh at my house cleaning out the trash is one of my jobs so i go into this room to empty the trash can and there's 12 rubber wrappers and rubbers in there and i go yeah that's the look i had too i was like that's a good week's work right there definitely a teenager my age i'm like listen you can hold on to those other eight because uh doesn't happen so i call him in i go hey man and he's like yo i go first of all i thought we were going to talk before you had sex and he goes no no no we are it's something completely different and i was like i was like what he goes well if you must know i think i'm gonna have sex soon so i'm just practicing putting them on and taking them off and i said dude why are you doing that he goes dad i've never had sex before i don't want it to take so long where i give her a chance where she could change her mind [Music] i was like you know what dude you're not that stupid that's pretty smart actually one time okay so he he his his girlfriend he were gonna get a little hot and heavy and he wanted some fatherly he wanted the fatherly talk and he comes home super excited he's like daddy dad okay hey oh so you know ashley and i are going to be alone together for the first time we're going to be doing some things that i've never done before anyway so i was wondering if i could uh if i could just ask you a couple questions uh but they might make you a little uncomfortable and i was like well don't you have a friend or uh i mean look if you're gonna die we should talk but other than that i don't need to know anything that's happened and he was like dad i just i don't want to embarrass myself in front of my friends so can i ask you i'm like all right and he goes okay so he was another dad we're going to be alone together you know i like her a lot and i don't want to embarrass myself and i want her to still like me on saturday so just give me the right answers okay and i go okay dude he goes okay so we're gonna be kissing and my eyes are gonna be closed right and i go yeah don't be creepy open eye kissy guy isn't that the worst when you're kissing somebody and you just crack your eye but they're like this and you're like well [ __ ] tonight's the night i die i guess i don't know why you'd stare at me from an inch and away you [ __ ] psycho okay good and he goes yeah i go yeah eyes closed and he goes okay dad good question number one answer and he goes you know i know what to do here and he told me he was a pro he doesn't know how to undo a bra but either did i leave in high school so i was like well you know you figure it out right yeah i didn't tell them guys when i wanted to see boobs in high school my bra move was this [Music] and it cuts the titties in half and you're like why are they so low what's the deal so he goes he goes you know i know what to do here and i go you got that he goes yeah okay and he goes and then he goes and then dad he starts to slowly walk his fingers down his thumb and i'm like what the [ __ ] is about to happen and he goes and then dad he goes this area here and i i i'm just gonna quote it because i don't think i could beat it with a joke that i would write he goes this area here this is where i hear things get a little tricky and i said no yeah you're right that's that's correct yep [Music] and he said you know that because if my eyes are closed and the lights are out i can't see anything so like how how when you're doing it like how do you okay when you're like how would you and he was like let me just start over uh kissing eyes closed boobs like them take a walk down to tricky town here we are and i was thinking i knew i should have got high today like this is like and he goes because dad like this you know this like when you're doing it like how what's your like what's your uh what oh this is this is getting awkward isn't it and i said dude we are so far past awkward i'm on [ __ ] suicide watch when you ask me the question [ __ ] okay dad i'm gonna ask you here we go how like when your dad okay how okay here we go dad when you do it how do you touch a woman's banana how do you do that and i was like you want to know how i took you i can't tell you that i don't know google it why are you asking me [ __ ] it's on the internet for sure it's on the internet and i'm not giving you my secrets i worked really hard for those secrets not everything works in high school right trial and error trial and error trial and error some [ __ ] works some [ __ ] doesn't you [ __ ] try something else look every man in america stumbled out of the gates you think i'm gonna kick you to the finish line [ __ ] you figure it out like the rest of us dude [Applause] put your time in son you don't go from apprentice to sorcerer in one day that's all i'm saying pretty sure it took harry potter seven movies right seven eight i don't [ __ ] know all i'm saying is the first time i went down a girl's pants nobody told me although it would have been nice the first time i went down a girl's pants nobody told me that the hole was so far back i remember pushing around here for like 20 minutes i'm like what's the deal with this is it is it gonna pop open or no wonder they call it the clam i think i'm hitting the shell right now like do i need a wi-fi password for this one little big little pig let me in like i don't know what's happening and then when i finally hit a hole i thought i'm so far back i'm in the wrong one for sure i slipped over the vagina and teenage boys are the worst at sex because when i finally realized i was in the right place i just left my finger there like i was taking her temperature or something no movement or anything just this the whole time like she was a thanksgiving turkey and i was just waiting [Applause] i think i even leaned in and was like does that feel good baby now i'll tell you something else you know when my son was growing up i did not when he was learning how to ride a bike i did not allow him to wear elbow pads or knee pads i did not guys listen the biggest mistake you can make with your kid is to protect them from anything bad happening to them until they're 18. that's why we have these giant [ __ ] babies walking around the streets because we haven't allowed the kids to overcome obstacles look i want my son to know when he's when he jumps and falls off a bike if he scrapes his knee all he has to do is go like this get back on the [ __ ] bike now look look i made him wear a helmet that that i wouldn't you know that's a tough lesson to learn yeah [Applause] you don't want him at the family reunion like dad said it would make me tough like you don't want that hey can i have some more cream cans please yeah that's butt elbow pads and knee pads yeah and i know some people called me a bad parent am i the bad parent or or am i look if the first time my son scraped his knee was when he was 18 years old and he's running across a college campus trying to find a call like a girl and he's like [Applause] oh my god what is that pain i don't know what that is yeah yeah he's gonna start wearing knee pads but for a different reason you heard me you heard me now look look all day look we all are getting older lagging i will tell you like okay okay you know we know i did notice a little part of my body this is like the thing that i noticed the first thing i noticed i was getting a little older okay okay okay my wife's here so it's okay tell us um okay so we're all we're all familiar with the term come shot right yeah as you get older it's not as much of a shot you know what i mean it's like a slow uh like a slow drip do you know what i mean like it used to come out like this [Laughter] and now it just kind of goes right i mean i could give you a facial but it's going to be like this that seems aggressive i would never do that to somebody that seems aggressive i grew up poor and my dad was also pretty cheap and because of that we me i missed out on a lot of experiences and i grew up man i'm i'm bummed that i did this but i grew up through my 20s and 30s like if i saw a steak on the menu that was 24.00 and i saw a chicken that was 17 i'd be like i should get the chicken even though i wanted the steak do you know what i mean like i [ __ ] hate that my dad put that in my head so what i've started to do is listen guys it's important not to be willy-nilly with your [ __ ] money but if you got 100 bucks and it's between 700 bucks and going to a concert you've always wanted to see go to that [ __ ] concert here's the deal a year from now you're not gonna have any idea where that hundred dollars went but you'll remember the concert so make some [ __ ] memories while you can still make some memories all right so uh taking that into account last september i got to see six bands in one weekend all on the bucket list now i spent more than i should have on this concert it was it was a it was old cello it was coachella for old people did anybody go did you know what i'm talking about it was the stones the who mccartney neil young roger waters and bob dylan all the same weekend it was amazing has anyone in here ever seen bob dylan before yeah he eats a bag of dicks that [ __ ] he's so bad did he play any hits when you saw no what [ __ ] hit dude doesn't play one hit are you kidding me and i was so mad i'm like play tango with the blue and the guy next to me was like yeah well it's bob dylan he's earned the right to play what he wants and i would agree with you if he's playing in his own [ __ ] living room but he wasn't there were 90 000 people there who paid a lot of [ __ ] money paint tangles up in blue you piece of beef jerky [ __ ] you i will fight bob dylan right now i'll tell you that right now i'll fight that [ __ ] i think i got a shot at bob dylan i'd like to hit him once just to hear him go i just just a quick but on the way in right i told my brothers i'm like hey guys i'm taking mushrooms this weekend and they were like which night i said did you hear me this weekend and they were like why are you gonna they go you you're gonna do that by yourself and i said no there's gonna be 90 000 people there and they were like you're not but you don't know any of them i was like well i'm gonna now okay so and by the way i did it out of respect for the bands we were going to see i felt like they would want me to be [ __ ] up right so a [ __ ] got a curiosity round of applause and i'm assuming this will be a larger round of applause and in most cities people who have taken mushrooms before okay guys i was in huntsville alabama last weekend i asked that question and one dude goes i got some on my salad right now [Laughter] and not what i'm talking about uh so after dylan i was like i'm taking the mushrooms now i'm not i'm not i'm not putting myself through another disappointing show now at following dylan was the stones and i've never seen the stones before and so uh and by the way sitting next to me was this old hispanic couple and the dude had those like the round tiny glasses and he had a tiny ponytail you know one of these and it was pulled tight so dude looks surprised the whole show like so and she scratched his back the entire concert two and a half hours [Music] so about five minutes before the music starts i get my first little warm hug and i'm like i'm like this is about to be the best night of my [ __ ] life right and so the guy next to me he turns to me he goes hey man and i go hey and he goes what's your name i said josh and he said who do you think the best rock band of all time is josh and listen guys i'm about to trip balls right [Music] so the last thing i want to do is have a conversation with the mexican john lennon do you know what i mean like i'm on pasadena on that right [ __ ] now right so i just tell him what i think is going to answer the stop most conversation i said the beatles and he goes whoa man it's the stones she and i have seen the stones 66 times and she said yeah and we re fall in love every show and i was like yeah i was like you're not sweet and i said that's gonna be very cool for me to watch the stones for the first time next to people who've seen them 66 times and i'm gonna watch them re-fall in love right in front of my face that's about to melt off my [ __ ] skull you know what i mean [Music] i felt like telling them i hope you don't mind watching this concert next to the ghost rider because [Music] i'm not for sure what's going to happen from here on out you know so i and then start in and i'm like oh my god right i couldn't believe what was happening not kidding 10 minutes in dude turns to me and he goes hey man and i go ahead and he goes what's your name and i was like i said josh and he goes who do you think the best rock and roll band of all time is josh and for a second i thought oh my god these mushrooms are amazing i was like this is the most visceral deja vu i've ever had in my entire life and honestly i'm gonna tell you i'm not gonna lie to you for a second i thought i could see the [ __ ] future like i know how this conversation ends oh i'm going to see this concert twice [ __ ] yeah but we did the whole thing 66 times we fall in love not kidding no joke 12 minutes later dude turns to me and he goes hey man and i go don't you ask me that [ __ ] question again dude and his wife goes to me you'll have to excuse him [Music] he's done a lot of drugs he doesn't have any short-term memory and i was like well no wonder you got to see the stone 66 [ __ ] times and just so you know you don't re fall in love he thinks he bangs some chick at the stones concert every weekend like [Music] not as romantic as you think it is man i'm just saying and then i will tell you what the true privilege of my life being there that weekend was watching a generation of people watch their idols for the last time guys so cool to see so cool to see because they were partying without inhibition look if we saw a bar full of 65 year old people upstairs getting [ __ ] up you'd be like go home yeah you'd make a group decision you're like hey all of you you need to go right but this concert was for them it was for them to come and relive a snapshot of their life so they partied without inhibition and it was amazing to see and because of that there was a lot of old white guy dance circles popping up all over the place if you haven't seen one of those and when i say dance circle there was a lot of two gun salutes you know and you could tell when they liked the song you know why the guns went up in the air right there was one guy near me doing a lot of the pencil and then near me also there was a big guy doing kicks like this he had to go like 240 big dude he's kicking he's like yeah and i was like look at the big guy go like he's killing it and then big guy just collapses and i was like oh no he [ __ ] river danced himself to death like and he's not moving and i'm like oh this dude is in [ __ ] trouble right so they put it they come in emts come they put them on a stretcher wheel him out you know and he's saying his eyes are closed and one of his friends is near me leans over and goes the dude has to be like mid-60s or something anything's over he goes hey man you're gonna be okay and the guy just opens his eyes and he goes yeah i'm just really tired and his friend said what he goes yeah i got tired from dancing around so i laid down on the ground and then the emt said yeah i can't lay here and i told him i'm not [ __ ] getting up i'm too tired and the emt said if you don't get up sir we're gonna have to wheel you out of here and i said that actually sounds kind of rock and nice and this is when [ __ ] got a little weird there was about a 280 290 pound dude running around shirtless doing this to people and i'm watching him and i'm like boy i really hope he doesn't come over here you know like so he comes over and his belly's all sweaty so there's like tracers flying off his stomach and his whole stomach's moving all at once and i'm like i'm never looking away i knew i was gonna get [ __ ] trapped in that thing right and then he said something to me that i promise you has never been uttered before in the history of human beings he shakes his belly at me and he looks at me and he goes hey i go what's up he goes how many knuckles deep do you think he can go on my belly button i go what he goes how many knuckles deep i go none none knuckles deep dude zero knuckles deep and he goes why not i was like wow why would i and he goes everybody's doing it i go who the [ __ ] is doing that and he goes everybody now look guys i'm shrooming you know what i mean and i don't want to be the only guy who doesn't figure [ __ ] this dude's belly button you know what i mean i don't want to be debbie downer you know what i mean i want to be part of the group so i go to him i go uh oh what finger should i use and he goes he goes i'd use the index i go okay guys wait it gets so much worse so i go to lube up my finger and he goes nah you won't need lube and i was like [Music] oh that's good news for me and it just [ __ ] with room to spare right and i look at him i go we got room to spare big fella and he goes okay and i go to pull my finger out and you know when you put your finger in one of those chinese finger locks and for whatever reason when you try to pull it out it clamps down on it i couldn't get my finger out of his [ __ ] belly button i went full palm on this dude's stomach like yeah because there's no way i'm going out like that right i'm like and it just popped out right as soon as it pops out he looks at me and he goes we finally found somebody to do it i said i thought everybody was doing that he goes who would do that i go [Applause] now let's get into a little truth time you ready for a little truth time truth truth time as a man as a man as a man i had to fight every fiber in my body not to smell that finger one [ __ ] time don't yuck me you hypocritical [ __ ] you raise your nuts the first thing you do is smell them you got a unicorn on your finger you're never gonna smell that [ __ ] again now listen i did it i didn't i didn't i didn't i did not do it i did not do it i did it and then i gave my brother a dirty sanchez and i was like hey dude what does that smell like he walked around the whole day like this [Music] because that's the type of [ __ ] now somebody asked me to tell this story so i certainly will um uh i have a favorite practical joke um i love practical jokes they're like my favorite thing to do to people um i like being the recipient too like a good practical joke i'm on board for that [ __ ] too uh and my kids know that i scare easy by the way i scare my kids and pull practical jokes on them i want you to know that i i scare easy i'm a jazz hander my daughter has more videos of me doing this [ __ ] you [Music] because my hat always follows with the [ __ ] you cause i try to get a little more manly after my [ __ ] you so i love practical jokes this is my best one ever my buddy asked me to throw him a a a a bachelor party and i was like man you don't want me to do that i said i'm a comedian i always go for the laugh and then i hope we can shake hands and be friends later but i'm gonna [ __ ] up your day and he was like i don't think you'll do that i said i don't think you're listening i'm already trying to decide how to [ __ ] with you so [Music] can we just like uh not have me do it he was like buddy you've been to vegas more than any of us you plan the party you get the girl now look i got him a girl for the end of his party that's what he wanted a stripper i'm not a stripper guy i never have been a stripper guy i don't really care but he wanted a stripper at the end of his party that's cool i wanted the beginning of the party to be for me and what did i want to watch what do i like way more than strippers i like weird [ __ ] guys if you're like hey man this is about to be some weird [ __ ] happening ally i'll be like i'm gonna [ __ ] watch that 100 i love it how weird i wanted people walking out of his party like this what the [ __ ] just happened in there like was some guy walking out with a limp like why are my hands dirty like weird [ __ ] right where did i think i could find that i went on craigslist in vegas oh guys i have never felt so horny and sad at the same time in my entire life scrolling through scrolling through it's all sex stuff i don't want that i want weird and then weird jumped off the screen of me this woman's advertisement was three words that's it and those three words were i'll wrestle ya and i was like [ __ ] yeah you will that at least deserves a phone call i think right i call her on the phone she is six foot 250. and her special skill is that she'll come over to your house she'll get naked and she'll toss you around for a little while and i was like well what time can you get here [Music] so she shows up and i open the door and she's legitimate six foot 250 right and she's holding a foot long sub and 24 buffalo wings not kidding and she waves them in my face and she goes you got a room where i could go fuel up before the match and i was like first of all [ __ ] yes i do right in there and i said second of all you should know that the person you're wrestling today doesn't know there's going to be a match [Music] you know i don't know if that changes your professional approach at all [Music] so she goes off into her room my buddy comes over and we've got him on a stool just like this one and my other friends are standing behind him when we get him blindfolded and he's well i don't want to ruin the surprise you know and he's like oh this chair is one ralph you made away from an accident i'll tell you that right now oh you don't think he knows he's 900 pounds he [ __ ] knows look at this so um he's sitting there and he's like i'm so excited and i was like me too [Music] and he says i'm ready and i said okay and i call her out now none of my other friends knew what i had planned so when she walked out of that room naked collectively they were like what the [ __ ] and as she got closer i saw she still had buffalo wing sauce around or not i was gonna get her napkin but i was like i'm sorry that [ __ ] is too funny on your face i am so sorry so she stands in front of him six foot 250. oh i forgot to tell you the best part my buddy five eight and 140 and like a like a like a hoo like a soft 140 right so the size difference alone like i don't know what's gonna happen but i'm pretty sure i'm gonna [ __ ] like it [Music] and he says i'm ready and i said okay and i take off his blindfold and the only word he could get out of his mouth before she ripped him out of his chair [Music] was why right and she lifted him up like this his little feet were dangling in the air she started tossing around the room like a rag doll and we were all like guys she would jump on top of him and he had to push her fat out of his face to talk to us he would be like tell her to stop how long she gonna be here i can't breathe why does she smell like buffalo wings right [Music] there was one time when she was straddling him like this beating him in the face with her titties just [Music] i don't think you're getting the right visual okay uh guys this isn't five foot two 110 pounds this is six foot 250 just titties that's how big her titties were they made that noise through the air it was like being hit with a tint missile just dude had a swollen eye from titty punches you've never seen that in the history of [ __ ] never ever i'll tell you that right now so she thinks her job is done right she walks over here to this side of the room my buddy gets up mad you know when you can tell someone is mad where they never take their eyes off of that thing they're mad at so he gets up and he walks away from her like this [Music] and then something in him just snapped and he just looks at her and he goes i'm gonna [ __ ] you up [Music] and like a wave of calm crashed over her like serious like bruce lee entered the dragon com she was just like and they ran at each other guys you understand what's happening they're [ __ ] fighting for real now it's the best gift i've ever given to myself ever are you kidding me they're running at each other i'm like i don't even know how this is gonna end oh my gosh they're running at each other and my buddy was mad and he screamed i wanna take you down running at each other full speed and he ran into her i'm gonna tell you something he really did try to take her down i'll tell you what he did not all i can tell you is that when his little body hit hers she kind of absorbed him for a second and he disappeared i was like where the [ __ ] did he go and then she just shot him out across the room boom and he slid on the floor and one of my friends ran up to him and went that just [ __ ] happened to you [Music] and she was mad that he challenged her or something so she goes to us you want to see my finishing move you want me to finish them and i grew up with hulk hogan and randy the macho man savage so i was like [Music] i didn't know if she was coming out the top rope or dropping a leg or whatever i wanted to see that [ __ ] right so she starts to run to him and she was like finish him and we go yeah she goes finishing moving we go yeah and she goes you want to see the finishing move and we go yeah and then she sat on his head and we went not that finishing move [ __ ] guys his little head disappeared all you could see were his tiny arms slapping her back like oh it was a fight for life i'm telling you that right now it was the weirdest [ __ ] i've ever seen it was like a reverse birth it was [ __ ] up and here's how you know you pulled a good practical joke a good practical joke is a joke that continues to pay dividends long after the joke is over so like a month and a half after the wedding after the uh party two weeks before the wedding i ran into his dad and his dad goes uh hey you're not coming to the wedding i was uninvited to the wedding by the way totally worth it totally worth it you guys want to see how he uninvited me this is my favorite part this is how we're going to find him she just got off of him and he stands up and he goes you're not coming to the wedding so here's how his dad goes you know come with a wedding i'm going now and he knows why not and i said oh uh tim didn't tell you and he said no and i go huh do you got a couple minutes sit down and then his dad used that story as his best man speeches and what [ __ ] winner winner [Music] all right let's take a couple tunes and get out of here all right so i'm not a good guitar player everybody should know that right up front i play i play twice a week for seven minutes at a time and um lion king it's the weirdest guitar request of all time lion i wonder who leaves lion king he's like i gotta learn that [ __ ] on guitar for sure lion king you good dude are you good you you good i know i know he did i i've been looking i've had 9-1 dialed on my phone for the last [ __ ] 30 minutes just ready to press that last one for you at any time there was one point in time where i was like i don't even know what the [ __ ] he's looking at did you yeah are you with him too yeah no this i love this guy but chris you there were a couple times dude right where i was like oh he's not paying it he's like if i'm here you'd be like this and then out of nowhere you'd be like and i was like i don't know what show he's watching but it seems fun [Music] come on board brother i've been right there that's why i'm asking you good he's good all right yeah what's your name man josh all right man yeah josh uh what's that yeah this song is for you uh it's not uh i wrote the song after i talked to this girl i went to high school with and i remembered when we were in high school we had decided we were going to be each other's firsts because we were the last two virgins that we knew and i remember when we were in high school i called her i was like you know what we should be each others first like because we went to preschool together so i've known you forever like you can't do anything to embarrass yourself in front of me i can't embarrass myself in front of you let's be each other's first and she said you know what that's a great idea we're gonna be each other's first this is gonna be a magical night and this song is how that night went said i'd be your first and you'd be mine we'd be together until the end of time i laid her down and i kissed her lips jeans on jeans and hips on hips well things were going just as we planned she was my girl and i was her man yeah right before we began willing came in my pants came right in my pants but please don't tell my friends that i came in my pants and she was good to me said it could happen to anyone she said she'd give it a second try she called the first one a dry run [Music] i set the mood just right and to make sure what happened last night didn't happen again i jerked off four times before she came over and then i jerked up two more times because i was a teenager and i could do that back then and it [ __ ] felt great i wish there were more guys in here because they would get that [Music] and she looks so pretty she unbuttoned my jeans no mess hello kitty yeah and then my hand brushed her titty and i came on her pants i came under lime green pants what the [ __ ] is going on i'll never see a vagina at this rate yeah years went by [Music] and we talked from time to time i met her husband at the reunion i really liked him he was a nice guy [Music] he and i were about eight drinks in don't get ahead of me now don't get out of me don't get out of me when he smiled and he said you know man i gotta tell you and he said with a grin i know you came in your pants and now you came on her pants too you know she tells all her friends the guy on tv came in his pants she started a facebook page and it's called sticky drawers where you can tell funny stories about sex oh and believe me she's told yours i wanted revenge i didn't know what to do we all got drunk and ended up in my room they passed out first [Music] that's a rookie move so i came on her face and then i came on his pants to put that on your facebook page with a big old [ __ ] you [Music] all right so i wrote this song this is the first weekend i'm doing it without my notebook so i hope i remember it i'm not a good guitar player i wrote this um uh song around valentine's day because my wife is just so good at buying [ __ ] gifts but i always tell her you think too hard about it gifts for guys super easy you don't have to think so hard father's day valentine's day birthday doesn't matter and so this song is she's actually right here tonight so this song you want to bring her out you're always so thoughtful and gifts on my special day asking friends and family about things that make me feel great but let me try to help you let me ease your mind i just want a [ __ ] and a sandwich [Music] let me save you some time i want a [ __ ] and a sandwich i don't need another [ __ ] tie and i haven't worn cologne since the 8th grade you and your sister use the couple's massage i want a [ __ ] and a sandwich at the same time at the same time at the same time tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny time [Music] i like turkey on wheat i like ham on ride but to make this day complete well there's one more thing that i'd like to try now i know when guys say try women always think that we're talking about anal [Music] and that's true [Music] but not this time i just like a [ __ ] and a sandwich [Music] while i'm watching tv turn on espn and little march madness watching men dribble balls up and down the court [Music] now i know on your special day i'll give you anything that you need trips jewelry or clothing i'd bring the moon down to its knees you don't have to tell me i know what you really want [Music] you want me naked you're washing dishes and a ryan gosling mess throwing votes in the rain telling all of your friends quotes from the notebook over again i wrote her every single day [Music] what end of what guns and roses song is that patience right [Music] let's see if we get the voice tonight for this [Music] [Applause] while i watch tv man i promise not to get any crumbs on your head i just wanna blow job while i watch some tv that'll feel so fine to me in a [ __ ] [Music] [Music] who is guys i gotta go thank you very much for coming out tonight we'll see you next time [Applause] josh lewis everybody come on [Music] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] so [Music] [Applause] [Music] do you

Channel: Josh Wolf

Views: 1,571,193

Keywords: Josh Wolf, comedy, stand-up, stand up, stand-up comedy, stand up comedy, comedy clips, comedy show, comedian, funny, laugh, father, son, weird, comedy special, best comedian, funniest comedian, top comedian, full comedy special, free comedy special, Valentine's day, jump cut, Jump Cut special, josh wolf netflix, josh wolf comedy special, best practical joke

Id: KKo5nM0x0kY

Length: 60min 4sec (3604 seconds)

Published: Mon Feb 15 2021