"Legal Documents" - Jim Gaffigan Stand up (King Baby)

some reading is hard someone hands me a legal document i pass out i'm like what do they spray these with chloroform whereas the aforementioned hereby known as proprietor who wrote this shakespeare and why does it take 80 pages to communicate i will owe you money the rest of my life whenever i get a legal document it always has those red posty notes with the arrows on them i feel like i'm in a live episode of dora the explorer where should you sign here i've never read a legal document i've signed a couple of them that's why there's so many lawyers how much would i have to pay you to read this 500 an hour that seems reasonable just make sure i'm not giving away a kid or anything it's laziness i think you know you're lazy when you find recycling a pain in the ass i gotta figure out which garbage can to put this in what am i a chemist at home my wife's always like did you rent out that soda can i haven't showered today maybe i should clean myself before i start washing the garbage recycling is a little bit more of a pain than they let on you know we're gonna start recycling newspapers oh great i got some new spirits right here oh you're gonna have to bundle those up and twine twine where to even find twine i have to go to your hardware store i'm just not going to read newspapers sounds easier than finding twine what is this little house on the prairie maybe next time paw goes into town to get some feed he can pick up some twine and rock candy twine i'm sure you like us we try and do our part we buy the different colored garbage bags i just feel weird buying garbage bags because you buy garbage bags they put them in a grocery bag you bring your groceries home you take the garbage bags out of the grocery bag and they put the grocery bag in the garbage bag am i being punked you're a bit at home you go to throw something out you see the garbage can needs a bag are you like me and think i'm gonna wait for someone else to do that i don't know if i'm done with these orange peels yet later on i might make some potpourri or something just put that on the counter cover the paper towel it's like i was never here my wife's not buying paper towels they're bad for the environment which surprised me i i guess we should know paper towels are bad for the environment they do have a lumberjack on the label the guys always stand there like let's destroy the ozone together i'll clear-cut this forest you drive an suv if you look closely under one arm he's smothering an owl that brawny guy's gonna kick his ass obviously we all care about the environment some of those people are throwing full bags of garbage out on the highway you've been driving down the highway you see a full bag of garbage would you love to meet that guy i'm too lazy to empty my garbage he's taking his for a ride what's going on in the car hide on garbage you're getting out here you're not talking you're walking that joke didn't even make sense my wife's into the organic products i didn't know this organic is a grocery term meaning twice as expensive she bought me a natural deodorant and printed on the label it said does not work at least they're being honest it's better than no deodorant yeah we all have that friend that's like you know you really don't need to wear deodorant yeah but you do well it's it's not natural well neither is crapping indoors bad for me to wear deodorant i'm suffering from some second-hand bo right now i think it's interesting all the different scents they have for deodorant you know what scent they should have is bacon talk about getting someone to crave you i don't know why but i want to have breakfast with him i bought some speed stick what's interesting about speed stick it actually smells worse than b.o what's that made out of urinal cakes you ever wear a different deodorant than normal for the rest of the day doesn't it seem like there's a stranger standing behind you am i being followed by a pine tree i'm glad i'm wearing a button-up shirt i've yet to figure out how to put on deodorant and then put on a t-shirt without getting a spot here here the middle of my back what was i wrestling at i got my ass kicked by my deodorant i went to the drugstore i sell everything in drugstores i remember when it's just like drugs and deodorant now you're like well i got this cholesterol medication i guess i'll get some ice cream uh king size snickers and a casket it's an interesting dynamic in the drugstore right because there's the people that work on the drugstore floor that always seem like they want to quit or kill themselves and then there's the pharmacist in the back in that glass cage and a white lab coat like the wizard in commercials the pharmacist is always the nicest guy on earth hey how you doing there's prescriptions on me in reality doesn't it always seem like you're inconveniencing the pharmacist i was like what do you want i was working on my time machine i i need these pills yeah it's gonna be like five hours why don't you go and sit on that metal chair across from the condoms you ever sit on that metal chair it's humiliating people was like yeah what kind of disease does he have i got a lot of them just hanging out with the condoms i don't understand what the weights for why does it take five hours to put six pills in an orange cup what are they trying to hit it from like 10 feet away tell them to come back now i know i'm a pharmacist not a basketball player i'm actually winded from doing that he was out of shape i should work out it's hard to find time to work out when you really don't want to i can't do it now because i don't want to and later on i'm not going to be interested it only takes 20 minutes a day just 20 minutes yeah that's too many can you make it no minutes those workout clothes are comfortable to watch television in huh thanks to nike i think i'll finish this law order marathon [Applause] i do belong to a health club i see that membership card every time i met wendy's getting a triple i think those membership currents are kind of scary because obviously they exist because at one time there were people sneaking in to work out that's like breaking into the gap to fold sweaters that was cute hi thanks for watching hit subscribe if you want if you want to see more stand up more stand up or if you want to see an original show like let's get cooking or the mike and pat show that's available on my channel but also just know that i'll be posting a new video every day during this pandemic or until the world ends please hit subscribe and turn on your alert or notification button

Channel: jimgaffigan

Views: 431,816

Rating: 4.9322715 out of 5

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Id: Xx9BpD3Tpug

Length: 8min 35sec (515 seconds)

Published: Thu Aug 13 2020