"Summer is the WORST..." - Jim Gaffigan Stand up (Cinco)

it's beautiful here i hope you had a nice summer cause there's there's pressure to enjoy summer right i'm from the midwest it's almost a panic go out there have fun winter's coming to kill us go get skin cancer now because there's an expectation of fun during summer in winter we discuss summer with such reverence in january you'd think we were talking about a family pet that passed away remember summer i miss summer i have photos of summer that's when we're a happy family summer's presented as a vacation it's like a three-month vacation for nobody but children and who doesn't deserve a few months off after the rigors of kindergarten i have five young children during summer they lounge around like they've just returned from fighting isis third grade was a beast summer vacation does kind of set up an adulthood of disappointment that first job you're like i have to go to work in july what is this russia there's a strange pressure to travel during summer are you going somewhere this summer why do i have to go somewhere well we lived here during the horrible weather now that it's nice we should go somewhere else i'm a very pale white guy you know i've yet to be the victim of any type of discrimination i have been the victim of someone assuming i'd enjoy a racist joke have you ever had that you're like well why would you think i'd want to hear that he looks like he'd enjoy a little hatred maybe this bigotry will brighten his day if anyone would have a problem with people with pigmentation be the pale fella but i know what i look like i'm not saying i don't forget you ever forget what you look like and then you walk in front of a mirror and you're like oh no when did that happen because during the day you're like i'm brand pitt i'm john goodman what's wrong with john goodman but it's not that bad it's easier to be a guy anyway i mean there's sexism but just the day-to-day life of being a woman honestly it looks too hard just hear what some women have to deal with cut and color and goose and potions what do most guys have to deal with with their hair not having a mullet that's all a guy has to do is not have a mullet a plus and there's still some guys that can't pull that off they're not talking about mom all that are they no you've got a good mullet it's easier to be a guy makeup some women wear makeup most guys don't change their pants because they're belts in there are these jeans dirty is there a belt in there ask me in 2019 and i'm not saying women are doing any of these things to please or impress a man but some of it's self-inflicted like the eyebrow thing i mean that's on you ladies there's not a person on this planet that's sitting there going i'm looking for someone who's removed 90 of their eyebrow hair i don't even know what some of these ladies are going for it's like i want to look constantly surprised like i'm about to eat a baby but it's a man's world i don't have a joke for that i just want to remind the ladies i'm kidding the weird thing is if you have little kids if you have little boys and little girls you would never think it would ever be a man's world because if you put a three-year-old boy next to a three-year-old girl and you had to pick who was gonna be in charge in the future you wouldn't be like the boy the one chewing on the table because little boys are savages i have three little boys each of them has headbutted me for no reason at all oh well we are in church okay it's different when you have a daughter you have thoughts like maybe i should save for med school when you have a son you're like there's gonna be a couple rounds of rehab that's okay i have three boys two girls i have enough kids we're even mormons are like you should settle down [Applause] i travel with my kids my two youngest are three and five-year-old boys and traveling with boys that age is like transferring serial killers between prisons we've seen the movie you know it doesn't work out my three-year-old i love him but he's eternally in a bad mood he always has a look on his face like he's gonna shiv you with a crayon or he's pooping and sometimes it's both and our five-year-old he's he's an escape artist he's the el chapo of children you just put him down and he runs and then i have to pay my 12 year old to go get him sometimes she can't find him and i'm forced to stand up and look for my own child sometimes i can't find him i mean you always find the kid that joke doesn't end with no i got four kids you know you find the kid they're with a security guard they're always with a security guard that's that's an awkward approach because i'm with my four other kids i look like a moving diorama for birth control doesn't help that i'm usually eating something it's hard to seem concerned about your child's whereabouts holding a corn dog oh there he is now where's mustard but that's parenting it's stressful parenting is a sacrifice it's exhausting it's expensive at times it feels thankless but eventually you die my wife hates that joe my wife hates that joke and in full disclosure she does 90 of the work and the 10 i do feels like too much i'm getting ripped off ten percent of five kids that means i'm in charge of one kid for like half a day i'm like a single mom that's a joke where the audience thinks maybe jim is a dick but my wife is amazing even in the most stressful moments i will catch her looking at me with an expression that could only be described as regret but she's catholic so there's no quitting the team thank you jesus i'm aware my wife is out of my leg she's very thin and attractive i look like i had two wives and i ate one of them she's amazing she's my writing partner we do everything together she's brilliant she's creative and tell i can't read her handwriting no we're totally equals i mean when we rent a car i won't let her drive and that's not sexism i just don't want to die she can drive my kids around i don't care about that but if i'm in the car uh um she's amazing probably the most impressive thing my wife can do is her ability to remember absolutely every horrible thing i've ever done let's just bring it up we'll be watching television she'll be like remember that time humiliated me when we went out to dinner now i do i must have blocked it out searching for self-esteem hi thanks for watching hit subscribe if you want if you want to see more stand up more stand up or if you want to see an original show like let's get cooking or the mike and pat show that's available on my channel but also just know that i'll be posting a new video every day during this pandemic or until the world ends please hit subscribe and turn on your alert or notification button

Channel: jimgaffigan

Views: 418,033

Rating: 4.913929 out of 5

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Id: wtIuqflPFXc

Length: 8min 48sec (528 seconds)

Published: Sat Aug 15 2020