Craziest Marathon Story You've Ever Heard. Matt Knudsen - Full Special

does anyone know where you are right now we get out there do stuff guys do stuff it's it's the best I'm actually proud to share with you that I have actually run the Los Angeles marathon five years in a row everybody thank you so much I appreciate that I appreciate that and for me personally the hardest thing about running five marathons is slipping it into every conversation [Applause] [Music] because a lot of times no one's even talking about marathons you just have to find a way hover around the conversation pod look for your moment pick your shots dovetail it you got to make it feel organic everybody Oh your grandma just had a birthday you know I bet she's the picture of health you know I was the picture of health when I Iran five Marathon Sam also please note I did not say that I have completed five marathons run and completed there two different words here's what happened here's the short version of the story I uh I ran the first one and then I had to run the third one because of what happened the second one second one I was at Mile 20 five and a half I was ten blocks from the finish line I was feeling good that is when I had a heat stroke I blacked out and I woke up in the back of an ambulance and I swear to you tonight Drybar comedy show when I woke up I thought I was being kidnapped I [Laughter] don't know if anyone has had that experience before all I do I was running I was feeling good I didn't have the pinhole I didn't have the woozy thing it went from running to nothing and when I woke up I was flat on my back I was obviously being driven somewhere and this dude that I did not know dressed in all dark clothing was hovering a foot above my face hey buddy looks like you're finally coming to welcome back and I had never had this epiphany before until I was in this moment but when people are trying to help you and people are trying to hurt you they really say a lot of the same things just try and relax everything's gonna be just fine does anyone know where you are right now I'm gonna have to cut your clothes off and that's what they did they took the scissors that cut my clothes off they brought me into the ER I had a core temperature of a hundred and four degrees my organs were stewing inside my body like a crock pot so in order to bring my temperature down they gave me four liters of iced saline that gave me the kind of diarrhea that made a medical professional say oh boy she worked in the emergency room and she was horrified it felt like she had seen less messy gunshot woods quick side note to that story the next time if and when you do run a marathon and they have that emergency contact information on the back of your bib go ahead and fill that out because while all this was happening my wife was waiting at the finish line with flowers so finally she got me had I didn't have the strength to say much of anything but she brought her ear really close to my mouth and all I could muster was they were trying to take me away so after after 8 hours in the emergency room they were ready to discharge me and I don't know if anyone here has run 25 and a half miles and laid flat on your back for 8 hours but I needed to demonstrate to the doctor that I had the ability to walk but when I got off the table I had the legs of a newborn Colt just June I don't know if you saw a Bambi on the ice it's just I felt like Snoop Dogg I was like walking yeah yeah yeah oh yeah so we're uh we're in the car she's driving me home and I'm reviewing my discharge paperwork and that is when I found my favorite part of this whole story apparently according to the incident report that was filled out by the ambulance crew at some point during the ride to the hospital I became quote combative I ripped the tubes out of my arms and I tried to overpower my captors fortunately I failed I was sedated and subdued but most people don't know how they're gonna react her in that fight-or-flight moment I do so I sleep great every night knowing that if my life is ever on the line be a real or imagined I'm not going out like a punk that feels great everybody really does really the thank you thank you Utah we're doing it everybody amazing I am Matt Knudsen I'm ecstatic to be here and I'd like to to ask this at every show because I think these people deserve some special recognition I see a lot of couples here tonight bye applause is there anyone here tonight on a last date okay I see someone applauding over there so if you did not applaud which means others of you do not know that this is your last date so enjoy your night everyone I also see some people that uh maybe got a babysitter to be here tonight thank you for that cause I see some people that maybe have their kid in the car with the window cracks however you guys became a crowd you became a crowd I appreciate that I am happy to be here to be honest I kind of feel like I'm a token booking you know because I think they just flew me out to Utah because I look like a Mormon I have reflective surfaces in my house everyone I'm aware of what this is is he a Mormon well he was on Big Love on HBO good enough get him out here I want to be in the Knutson business it's for the record the Knutson business is not a real thing everybody but I do appreciate that no I am I'm not a Mormon I actually come from a long line of conservatives Scandinavian Lutheran's how conservative well I I will say this it's getting kind of late is actually on my family crest but I appreciate you guys coming out I appreciate you guys unplugging if only for an hour to spend it here with me it means a lot thank you for putting your smartphone away and becoming smart people I'm proud of you also too we're just getting started I'd like to thank you for trying to initiate that applause break and this is more of a tutorial primer for the rest of the crowd if anyone starts to clap in your vicinity go ahead and join them thank you say okay now that feels fortuitous I'll still take it though I'll still take it gratuitous applause I don't even know the difference but I will take it so thank you yeah you guys put down your smartphones I just we're so plugged in all the time you just like look around people standing on the corner mm-hmm it's like no one's trying to get ahold of you but it's interesting like it kick it makes it so easy to stay in touch with each other sometimes we stay in touch when we don't even mean to ball received at least one pocket dial they pick it up and it's just your friend eating lunch hello oh yeah let me get a tuna melt Jeff a pickle chips Jeff hello let me drink make it a combo Jeff and through no choice of your own Jeff has turned you into a creepy eavesdropper well I suppose I can listen for a few minutes he may talk about me my favorite and all of this phenomenon is the pocket dial voicemail and even now we realize within five seconds that it is a pocket dial voicemail they still listen to the whole thing never can tell when the pertinent information could arise [Laughter] mr. Knutson this is dr. Phelps you have cancer oh no glad I listened to all 20 minutes this this is the worst day of my life yeah but there's one thing I am grateful for with smartphones it's the GPS honor if you guys are paying attention to what's happening in society right now but we are no longer lost you never need to ask a stranger for directions never really been a big fan of that phenomenon right because you're lost basically when you reach out to a stranger you're weak you you're vulnerable you're willing to believe anything basically asking a stranger for directions is saying excuse me a random person we've never met but I'm willing to do what you tell me for the next two hours or so so be cool I'll be cool yeah and you always know the quality of the directions you're about to receive by the face the person makes right after you ask excuse me sir could you tell me how to get to the art gallery their gallery but you started the conversation you can't just you know what never mind no no where are you going I know I know where it is I know where it is I okay my favorite is the people that will use their hands to somehow maximize the comprehension of their directions and oh the art gallery well that's on the corner of maple and 3rd okay here's maple but here's third it's not the corner of maple and third right I'm sorry I'm not from around here could I see your hands again maple in third yes I'll just look for the giant class ring thank you maple in the third amazing but I'm uh I'm happy to be here I I'm actually married everyone I'm married thank you very much but ladies I promise you if I was not mmm I would disappoint you in ways you can only imagine yeah but things are good happily married the wife and I just bought a new tempur-pedic mattress recently yeah because she likes to drink wine in bed and I love to jump up and down used to be a huge problem but not anymore thank goodness marriage is about compromise am i right Provo yeah I uh I did spend two months salary on my wife's engagement ring I did only I chose two months from 1986 as mowing lawns between seventh and eighth grade it was a great summer best $87 I ever made yeah no but that's it you know with their there's just so much disparity you know a woman's ring thousands of dollars man's ring dozens of dollars this is actually forged from the lid of a Jiffy Pop yeah but I'm very happily married and guys I'm here to tell you the key to any successful relationship at least according to my wife's diary is trust if you don't have that you don't have anything right I I don't have any children instead I have free time and money kids are great I love kids don't get me wrong they're great but in the mean time I don't think there's anything wrong with making the world a better place for yourself right yeah no kids and I don't want to stand up here and brag about money I think that's kind of gauche but I will say this I'm not rich but I don't bother trying to open stubborn pistachios and that's how things are going everybody yeah thank you thank you ah amazing yeah but it's just uh you know like I said no kids it's just me and the wife it's just me and mrs. Knudsen and yet when she goes to do something she will still leave me a note and sign it as if I would someday come home find this unsigned note who in the world went to the grocery store [Laughter] why would somebody break into my apartment and leave me their itinerary doesn't make any sense at all yes hello 911 I had a break-in but good news I have some promising leads the crook is either at Albertsons or picking up flowers for my mom all units move in the easiest case you'll ever crack yeah but it's just me and the wife that said she is first-generation American her mother emigrated to America from Hungary and so as such I have uncles and aunts and cousins that all live in Hungary and you hear the term American standard of living so often it's almost lost all its meaning but what that really means is that if you think about people in the Eastern Bloc they make about $200 a week at their jobs but that adds up to about $10,000 a year but they're very loving their familial they're great people but recently my family had never even left their village and Hungary visited me in America in Southern California and if you ever want to feel like a self entitled American jerk try sitting on the couch next to your Hungarian cousin watching American television when a cash-for-gold commercial comes on tired of all your unwanted gold [Applause] as your excessive wealth become a burden can't sleep without being punctured by a scepter give us a call where the gold guys go cotton cousin Matt's Manglish not so good unwanted golden eye yeah Milosh sometimes Americans we have too much gold [Applause] too much gold me means what is it was that too much coal I mean it's gold that we don't want anymore because of cares not because of a curse no none of the gold is cursed it's it's just in a drawer getting tangled which is kind of a curse yeah yeah but I get it I know what it's like to to be a fish out of water actually my family moved to California from North Dakota and thank you for giving North Dakota the quiet reference that I think it really it has earned absolutely no response was the response you know I mean just [Applause] I think I saw two people look over you're gonna clap now being either North Dakota yeah and hey listen don't get me wrong the people are great but last winter and people asked me if I'm if I miss the seasons I don't last winter in North Dakota it was minus 36 degrees that is colder than outer space I don't miss that in fact I think they could combine North and South Dakota into one state and call it yeah but I live in Los Angeles now I like it I do have to admit I think it would be a lot easier to get around the city if like a million people gave up on their dreams it's one of those kinds of cities you know now but I do I don't really you know I don't really know how to relate to a lot of people sometimes because actually Southern California is the first and only place I've ever been to in my entire life where people will use their astrological sign as an excuse for their behavior hey sorry I trashed your apartment I'm a Leo and Mercury's in retrograde you know what I mean I didn't want to be nice you gotta have to try and pretend you understand yeah I know what you mean like Creedence is in Clearwater I feel a bad moon rising so don't go round tonight yeah but it does have it's cool things actually I recently saw Bob Dylan at the Hollywood Bowl that was a great show and thank you for giving Bob Dylan the quiet reverence and he yeah I did see a Bob Dylan at the at the Hollywood Bowl it was a great show it was a great show and I'm not making this up he actually had a woman that was down stage doing sign language along with all of his songs right and not only was it very touching to watch but I also enjoyed the irony that only the deaf people had any idea what Dylan was saved rest of us had no clue that mr. Tambourine Man no he's just clearing his throat okay good to know good to know yeah but life is good you know I enjoy exploring new cities like this spending time with new people it's very cool one of my favorite things after doing shows is talking to people and here's the thing guys say yes to as many things as you can always try something new because you never know what's gonna happen it could be great but it only has a chance to be great if you give it a shot right so thank you I truly believe that I really really do I was I was talking to a woman after a show one one night and she's like well you know I really admire what you do is stand-up comedy you know i I've always wanted to try stand-up comedy but aren't you afraid that people will throw Rotten Tomatoes at you and no I'm not because I don't perform in 20 spot Ville also I would say this to anyone who ever tries stand-up comedy aya if someone throws rotten tomatoes to you I wouldn't even take it that badly because if you deconstruct what's happened if someone brings rotten tomatoes to a show and has them at the ready the instant they become dissatisfied you're probably dealing with a pretty picky person I would be devastated however if I was tomato to an hour after my show because that person went to the store where's that North Dakota guy I got some for him but get what happens to us when we go into a buffet what happens to our sense of decency and restraint what happens to our judgment the next time you find yourself dining at a buffet style restaurant when you sit down with that tray of food that you've assembled for your meal just imagine if you had to order that meal off the menu say out loud to a waitress who's writing it down well I had a chance to look at the menu and I've come to a decision on the first plate I'm gonna have a skirt steak pork chop and some spaghetti and on the second plate and I have some chicken nuggets and the shape of little dinosaurs and a handful of raisins and some pepperoni pizza then on the third plate why don't you give me as many ribs as you can fit on it might I recommend stacking them in a log cabin style and a drink some chocolate milk a mimosa and 19 Mountain Dews [Applause] [Music] also had a chance to look at the dessert menu and I'm gonna say yes yes then in about 20 minutes no matter how full I look no matter how disgusted I appear to be with myself I want you to bring me a taco shell full of ham cubes but don't worry I'm only gonna take one bite out of that I'm gonna realize instantly that it was a terrible idea guys there's a special friend I always like to bring on the road with me if you could just bear with me for a second [Applause] you guys are the wind beneath my waist God without you I'm nothing oh I really appreciate that I have had a wonderful time you guys have been a wonderful crowd and we'll just hit it boys I just remembered I don't have boys I guess I'll just have to hit it myself huh [Music] well thank you guys so much I appreciate that energy hey guys I realize I'm not the funniest or the best-looking or even the hardest-working comedian [Music] that's it that's the whole announcement but it was notice in piano for me everyone I used to be in a bagpipe cover band covered all the bagpipe hits Amazing Grace Danny Boy but I had a hard time finding gigs for the band because I grew up in a small town and not a lot of firemen died [Music] I dunno show business is not for everyone I actually have a friend that is a terrible magician and I know he's a terrible magician because I've never had a professional magician ever asked me to quote close my eyes for a second I asked my grandfather I'm not gonna lie guys the big influence on me I remember when I was a kid my grandpa and I used to play a lot of board games together until he turned 81 and then he was no longer in the age range we always like to have monopoly and my favorite part of Monopoly the game is only made by one company [Music] but you're gonna have fun for free try this I I like to use the expression no pun intended when there isn't even the slightest chance that a pun could be intended [Applause] well my birthday is January 28th no pun intended cuz then people have to revisit what I said like they missed something [Music] and also they know my birthday I I love using similes to me using the simile is like a breath of fresh air [Music] just like to point out there's a woman sitting in the second row when I said that she just shook her head I was with you for most of it but that simile joke is a bridge too far [Applause] [Music] I I like to put on hot underwear right out of the dryer but somebody at the laundromat always calls the cops [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] but the future is not without its dangers right for example there are nitrates in our lunch meat you know that right and they're not good for your kids and my dog told me they can actually make you hallucinate deodorant contains aluminum honor if he knew that or not and it has been shown to raise your risk of developing Alzheimer's disease so it feels like your options are you can use the deodorant or have the ability to remember your lifetime of smelling awful [Music] because it's not gonna last forever is it life doesn't work out that way [Music] so why I left some very specific instructions for my wife when I pass away told her I don't want to be cremated but I still want to be scattered over Venice Beach [Music] guys from the bottom of my heart thank you guys so much for coming out tonight thank you for the support everyone here and everyone watching at home I'm a Knutson god bless good night [Applause]

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 209,958

Rating: 4.5286589 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Matt Knudsen, Matt Knudsen Dry Bar Comedy, Matt Knudsen Comedian, Matt Knudsen Comedy, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedians, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Marathon, Running A Marathon, Emergency Room, Heat Stroke, Piano, Ambulance, dbc

Id: Gqgqi2cetDA

Length: 40min 20sec (2420 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 17 2020