Dwayne Perkins - Dry Bar Double Feature

yo what is up thank you thank you guys thank you thank you thank you thank you it's really good to be here in provo really is i uh not too many uh i get a sense there's not too many black people i'm not sure i don't know the demographics but and i just say that cause i saw a black guy uh a few hours ago and he hugged me and i didn't know him and [Applause] he said take me with you and i was like it is good to be here i i love i love utah i really do i mean i've been here so many times it seems like with all the craziness that's happening now um like i come to utah it's just mellow like it's not you know it's not so divided here um you know i don't know i don't know what's gonna happen with our country i really don't but i i believe in the american dream i think that's still a thing you know no matter yeah i hope i hope no matter where you start you can make something out of yourself that's america you know i think i think i'm the american dream look at me from brooklyn new york and now i'm in provo you understand so [Applause] if you have a dream and you believe in that dream but true story though only in america true story my cousin calvin from brooklyn right spent seven years in prison and uh that's that's not the dream part um seven years in prison while in prison took classes got his college degree in jail graduated top of his jail class was so so proud of him he made the wardens list so he was a great student my cousin got out of jail with his degree and in two weeks he got a job at a bank no i'm just teasing you he didn't get a job he didn't get a job in a bank he he did a bank job is what i meant to say yeah well you know he wanted to go back get his master's degree continue his studies it was unfortunate though because when he went back in they sent him to a different jail and his credits didn't transfer he had to start oh he went to community jail you got to go to the right jail that's all i'm saying people i do travel a lot i travel within the country but i also go overseas you know i like going overseas last year was a good year last year i went to china israel scotland africa it was good going to the motherland you know you know because i cuz i never been to scotland so you know just digging it with my people over there you know they don't they don't like americans everywhere you go yeah they don't like us everywhere you go i think it's because um i don't know everywhere you go they know everything about us and we know nothing about them yeah we're like we're like the hot chick of the world that's who you ever hang out with a young hat-trick and she doesn't know how the world works yet you know she says things like you don't have to wait in line just go to the front like she doesn't understand all the drinks are free now we'll say this uh respectfully i will say this they when i go places they don't seem to mind uh black americans quite as much yeah because like they know it wasn't us you know i've been to africa a bunch that that's great you know first time i went to africa i was so excited because i like i said when i had like a message you know for my people over there because see to understand uh you have to understand my grandmother raised me so i'm real old school right so like i'm real old like like i'm i'm from like i never waste food from that era like i never waste food even to this day we go out to eat i'll eat my food and your food like that's because growing up i had to eat everything clean plate club i had to eat i had to eat soggy cereal you know what you know what cornflake stays in milk longer than two minutes and 38 seconds it changes form like you can't chew it anymore you just gotta let it slide down the back of your throat yeah i had to eat that yeah my grandmother knew the real expiration date of food the real not not the date on the package that's the suggestion that's not the actual yeah like grandma this is past the day it's like no baby it it's seven business days and monday was a holiday so go ahead knock yourself out [Laughter] i couldn't eat what i wanted i could never eat what i desired i could only eat what was up next like what was about to go bad you know saturday morning i'm excited i want pancakes you know they're like oh no actually we need you to eat this lasagna if you don't mind but you should start right now there's not much time on that lasagna salmonella and 10 9. and when we're kids are growing up they tell us all the same thing right they say eat all your food because they're starving kids in africa yeah so when i went to africa i had a clear conscience yeah i got up i got off the plane i was like hey guys good to meet you hey guys listen i uh i ate all my food i don't know if you were starving or not but it wasn't me is what i'm saying because and the thing is that never really made too much sense that that whole thing i get the part like you don't want to add insult to injury i get that part but from a practical standpoint makes no sense from a practical standpoint right because like if you eat all your food it's in your belly like that food can never make it to africa you ate it but if you throw it away it's got an outside shot is what i'm saying like say you're eating a pizza right you shouldn't do this you got to slice pizza you just fling it you're done with it just fling it and it just happens to fall into someone's bag who's on their way to africa do you see what i mean you just now when i started that joke and i threw the pizza up in the air i'm sure at least some of you thought a bird was gonna catch the pizza and fly to africa get real makes no sense i've been traveling a lot i actually went to you know i went recently i actually went to amsterdam yeah so you know what happens you know what happens in amsterdam provo yeah bike riding exactly no i'm serious everyone's on a bike there's no shame to their game they just don't like they don't have cars they're on bikes right because the us we're a car culture you know i mean you know unless you're on your mission but in the u.s most places in the u.s where car culture like if you're over 18 and you're on a bicycle you you kind of have to explain yourself right hey man i know she want to bicycles you want to want to talk about it like what happened exactly with your life like what happened what's your life in the netherlands in amsterdam you'll see a man in a three-piece suit on a bicycle going to work with a basket he's probably the president of the company president of the company going to work right like here you see a man in three-piece suit on a bicycle going to work you're gonna say to yourself wow his divorce lawyer sucked at that guy that guy lost everything in the divorce it's really sad and that's why when people ride bikes uh having a start about 15 years ago when people ride bikes in the u.s they go out of their way to let you know it's a hobby you know what i mean no one can just hop on a bike with jeans anymore no you got to be in the tour de france like you got a 2 000 bike you got to have spandex stupid aerodynamic helmet right [Laughter] the shoes that lock into the pedals you you got to get sponsorship you know it's just like what are you trying to shave 30 seconds off your time to jamba juice like calm it all way down calm it down and i don't i don't get the shoes that lock into the paddles either i don't i'm sure there's a reason but like whenever i see guys with shoes with a guy with shoes that lock into his bike pedals i get sad i do i go oh that guy doesn't know how petals work how sad i should probably tell him how petals work listen you only need shoes that lock into the pedals if you have one pedal or one foot because you gotta bring it back unless you're prepared to go like this you know what i'm saying that seems hard i'm not sure and the thing is i get it though listen i say all of this and i'm joking but if i live in l.a now if you come to my place you're going to see me on my bicycle with some of the stuff i just said yeah you're gonna be like wow hypocrite over here but what happens is when you go into a bike shop you ever go to a bike shop they look down on you it's like it's like a cult as soon as you walk in they got you you're just buying stuff you know and i walked into a bike shop you can't walk out a bike shop without spending a thousand dollars you walk in and it's like oh i'm gonna need that oh yeah and i was getting everything they said i didn't snap out of it until they tried to sell me the shoes that lock into the pedals that's when i was like wait a second wait wait why do i need shoes that lock into the pedals and how come i can't call my mother like i'm just worried about what's happening here we don't give the dutch enough credit man the dutch shout out to the dutch think about it they gave us going dutch like that's big some brave forward-thinking dutchman stood up for himself one day and said maybe you pay for yourself [Music] [Applause] they're very practical they don't get credit they're they everything they do so it just makes sense like they have vending machines over there in the netherlands like an entire city block it's a big vending machine it's amazing bread peanut butter whatever you want type in a number it comes to you from halfway down the block what do we have late night gas stations and they lock the door at 11 because there's america i get it right now you got to order through that glass what you want he never gets it right we've all been there like hey man let me get uh let me get 30 on pump six please and um you know what let me let me get the cool ranch doritos right there yeah the cool ranch thank you thank you oh oh hey hey hey man hey my man listen hey hey no no no those are not the cool ranch those are band-aids actually that's not what i the cool ranch right next to right you see no dog that's ravioli man well actually how much is the ravioli how much is it all right bet yeah let me get the ravioli then and then the cool ranch you see right no right your hand is right that's fine now bring up the cashews i love cashews i like the cashews that's fine i um i don't have any children you know maybe we'll see i waited no no no [Music] no no no i meant we'll see if i have some not there's no little light-skinned kid in amsterdam going no it's just but i waited i waited to have kids because i'm from the hood and my mother had me so young that i wanted to fix it you know yeah i wanted to fix it to make her a grandmother at the right age i was trying i was trying to clean up the timeline uh a little bit yeah because my mother is only 15 years older than me and that's that's a little snug we can say it's snuggy you know it's not bad though the good thing is she could never play the the back in my day card [Laughter] because i was there [Applause] i used to help her with her homework my you got to carry the one how many times i got to tell you this i still remember the day my grandmother sat me and my mother down on the couch and told us there was no santa claus and we cried [Applause] that's a tough day for us both yeah my biggest fear is that when she gets older i can't take care of her anymore right gotta take her to a nursing home and we're on our way there she's 90 and i'm 75. and then we get there and they make me stay hey well man by the time you get home every time will come right back you might as well just let's kick it here um so like i tell you my grandmother raised me beautiful lady we um had a nickname for her we called it go go i don't know i don't know why it's not like she ever went went you know what i mean love go go man we we were we were like that's my smile that's my heart right there but you know she had funny ways about it like every time uh my grandmother every time goku burned rice which was every time goku cooked rice it was always my fault that she burned the rice you know like i'm playing video games she comes walking in she i say hey go go she's like boy you're trifling what you mean to tell me you sit right in here and you can't smell the rice burning sorry i thought you had that i thought that was your thing it goes on and on almost a daily occurrence i'm outside playing still happens i'm outside go go come come calls me up i run upstairs we're on the fifth floor run up says hey go go what's up boy your trifle what she be she's like you mean to tell me you right outside and you can't see the smoke coming out the window this happens all the time i grow up i move away i go to college right i get a call on my dorm pick up the phone it's go go hey google boy a tri-flame go go listen i'm 100 miles away from you okay i can't i can't see it i can't smell it she said turn to channel six [Applause] it's funny but technically you're laughing at my grandmother's house burning down let's let you know that that's no it's okay it didn't happen it didn't happen it's exaggerated for the joke so my mother um she has me and then she waited and has uh i have siblings a lot younger than me they actually beat me to the punch they actually have kids now which is crazy my sister um has a neat avenue my sister's daughter and she named my niece my niece's name skyler that's her name skyler i like the name you know i didn't like it at first when i first heard it because it's kind of kind of a white name i feel we can uh it's trending white i think we can say that right it's trending but you know what it is my sister's name is tashana so my mother went that way with it so i feel my sister wanted to just take a little off the top that's what she was trying to do just just bringing back a smidge you know what i mean yeah i got a sister named uh tashana another named talisha third one named taijima yeah brother named taurian and my youngest brother is named victor yeah it's like they got the victim they were like okay let's cut this out we made our point let's can we cut this out i think we made our point can we stop it now and i like the name skylar i get it my sister's smart cause skyler's gonna get older try to get a job you know they get that resume first i'm liking her chances you know they get that resume and says skyler at the top skyler skyler let's bring her in let's meet her guys let's meet skyler yeah all you want is a chance they get that resume it says lucretia at the top you know the creature doesn't sound like she thinks the customer is always right [Laughter] and and the crazy thing is in our country you can have a child and name it whatever you want we you know we don't have any rules about that which i think is crazy i think in a room where you give the name we need like an alarm system like a button at a bank that you press you can alert the authorities that a mistake is in progress hey congratulations on your daughter what did you want to name her who went to the name of ginsenga okay okay so like ginseng with an a at the end is that what if that's a great name that's a great name just let me get something from under the desk hold on a second push the button right she gets back to the room the baby's gone oh my god what what have you done with gin singer oh you you mean michelle she's with a family that's gonna love her that's where michelle is now listen i'm kidding i know you cannot take people's babies away okay and i'm also not making fun of your name if it's from a different country i get i'm talking about every country needs their own set like i got a buddy named chenedu but he's nigerian like that's that's like john where he's from you know what i'm saying so i'm not talking about that but for people that go off the ranch think about it one guy types the name and that's the name forever we got to give this guy the power to say no he can change this baby's life he's the baby's advocate give him that power right congratulations on your daughter what would you like to name him oh we want the name of excitation [Laughter] uh wow i'm i'm i'm sorry what was that excitation because we were so excited when she exited so yeah excitation uh no i'm sorry i can't now she's gonna get upset right hold on hold up who are you no i can name my daughter whatever i want to name my daughter they told your manager you tell anybody when they can name everybody matter of fact big man what is your name what's your name who who me my crazy mother loved limingello and that's why i work here let's save the kids it's fun being a comedian it's a lot of fun it's a lot of work you know i know it's crazy it used to i don't think it was work before but now it's a lot of work because you got to write jokes that's easy right kind of but it's all a social media people it's just too much man it's and i you know most people are great online but you got some crazies out there some people are really cool and i don't need everyone to like me i'm not about that i don't need you to like me i'm from brooklyn i'm good right but if you don't like me i don't need you to tell me you you see what i'm saying like just don't like me over there but everyone's got you know what you know when the best time to be performer was it was the 80s that was because it was like there was tv but you could there was separation you know like like say you hated lionel richie in the 80s you had no way of telling lionel richie that you hated him you had to eat that like that was just something you had to just deal with maybe you could tell your friends i heard you lana rishi he's like all right all right you couldn't just call lionel richie up and be like hello like you couldn't do that [Applause] that was not an option in fact the only way you could tell lionel richie that you hated him in the 80s was to buy a ticket to a lionel richie's show a good ticket first 10 rolls so he could hear you right you had to drop some serious 80s coin you're like 35 dollars you had to pay 35 so you could be in the first 10 rows you got there early you were stretching you were getting ready he's like when he comes out i'm gonna say i hate you lana richie i'm so excited i'm gonna mess up the whole show he's gonna know i hate him he's gonna know then he came out he went right to some commodore songs you forgot he was with the commodores he was like well some of the commodore stuff is actually pretty cool though i like you right okay after the commodore stuff i'm gonna say i hate you alana richard then they did the song with kenny rogers you're like oh i like that song too actually all right right then he did we out of the world he was like oh man he was that's right he wrote right out of the world damn man after this then he did two other songs you didn't even know he was it was lionel richie about an hour and a half in you're like uh you know i think i love lionel richie actually and and the problem with the internet is that you can't get kicked off that's the real issue with it you can't you can do whatever you want today come back do it again as a society that's not how we set this thing up the whole power we have to make everyone act right is we can ostracize you we can send you to jail right we can send you to australia like wherever we need to send you even in this room we can kick you out right internet you come back the next day same problem with homeless people you can't really tell homeless people what to do you really can't because they're they're already outside you understand you can't kick them more outside is what i'm saying like how do you threaten him right you keep acting up i'm gonna get you in an apartment i swear i'll pay you first in last month rent play games with me and see if i don't set you up in an apartment but you gotta love the internet because everything's on there everything's on youtube is like i can't believe youtube it's you know it's the second search engine after google which is crazy when you think about it like you everything is on youtube like if you grew up and you didn't know your father okay don't hire an investigator don't do that go to youtube and type my daddy and your dad will pop up on youtube doing the nae nae i promise you he's there everything's on youtube it's an amazing thing i'm telling you 20 years from now there won't be doctors just be youtube like your appendix is hurting you like okay which one of my friends has a steady hand he just you bring up skip the ad dude skip the ad this is a pretty good deal though let me bookmark it let me bookmark it i'll come back everything is on youtube my ac wasn't working right i went to the manufacturer's website nothing i go to youtube type in my ac three or four guys pop up teaching me how to fix my air conditioner i was like thanks three or four guys yeah one of the videos was in my apartment i didn't know how he and i was like yeah i was really appreciative i was like thank you guys but at the same time i was like who who asked you to do this like why was this your responsibility i'm trying to what did you wake up at 2 a.m in a cold sweat oh my gosh there's people out there that don't fix the recognition filter i've got to do it that blows my mind anything in the world you need or want someone else in the world said i got it i got it i'll do a video for you anything you can go to youtube and type how do i wipe my butt some guy will pop up hey guys jack morris here uh please subscribe below huh so a lot of people hit me up they say jack i don't ride my butt it's real simple here's what you're gonna need some toilet paper and a butt follow me guys let's uh i'm sorry that's a little out there right i just thought of the craziest thing i could think of but then i went back i said well let me see let me research research my own joke right i went to youtube i typed in how to write my butt five videos five [Applause] i mean five legitimate videos with no irony just people teaching you right and who can this be for who is this video for really [Applause] who in the world knows how to read and write owns a computer but also doesn't know how to wipe their butt it's got to be for aliens when you think about it it's the only thing that makes sense i uh i get all my music online too because the radio station you know they don't they play four songs all day you know how that is i actually heard jay-z on the radio recently and the radio guy was talking to him like yo jay what you feel about the music today jay there's no good music you know and jay-z was all like well you know there's good music out there you just gotta find it you gotta you gotta search for the music all right so [Applause] it's your boy so anyway um so think about what happened there the radio station asked jay-z where's the good music jay-z told the radio station to find it you're the radio station like that would be like if you went to a restaurant he called a chef over hey chef can i um talk to you yeah yeah this food is awful it's crap and the chef was like yeah yeah yeah there's good food out there though you know i mean it's got a we can't serve it but do your homework it's out there it's redunk [Music] traveling you know when you travel you learn things too you learn you can dispel things that you thought were true that are really not true you know i mean still the lessons you learn at home i think are solid but you learn like you travel i've been all over the world i learned it hit me one day i was overseas i'm like wow asians are the best drivers and um it hit me one day i said asians i said asians you guys think i'm having a stroke don't you no i'm serious asians really are the best drivers you have to go over there to get it you know you know you cross the street in vietnam the cars don't stop you can stand on the corner of like an hour and you're like what's happening and someone explained it to me he's like no you got to just go and they'll just drive around you yeah you have to take a deep breath and just step out into traffic they're like whoa but you got to keep the same pace it's very important that you keep the same it's like frogger and you're the frog you understand and then you get to the other side of the street you look back for your body and you go i made it unbelievable i don't that means they're driving around you think of that's precision driving right and some of you still not buying it think about it like this i'll prove to you asians are the best drivers prove to you right now think about like this anybody can just drive safely and anybody can have an accident but do you know how hard it is to almost have an accident all day like that's [Applause] that is a scale my friends this is um this is the part of the year where if you're a sports fan like me i don't know um we're taping this at the time where basketball just finished hockey just finished this is when it gets rough i mean i like baseball but you know it gets rough right now that's probably why you're here you're like let's go to see some comedy because there's nothing on and what happens is espn they have to justify why they're around so they start showing stuff that's not sports this is when it happens they start putting on activities but try to pass them over sports dart throwing activity bowling activity the other day i saw a cup stacking now for those of you who for those of you don't know what cup stacking is let me explain to you it's cup stacking they give kids cups and they and they stack them i'm like put the cups away go outside and take your beating like a man go outside not we can't find a sport for everyone is what i'm saying like cup stacking you know how low that had you know how many teams you didn't make to activities man fishing i mean fun activity but an activity i don't want to watch people fish do you watch people fish it's so boring you have to just go fishing yourself and here's how you know all these things i'm saying i said dog throwing fishing here's how you know your sport is just an activity a little litmus test if you're wondering if you're the best in the world at your sport but you still have a roommate sorry that's that's an activity that's not a sport if you hold the world record but you split the cable bill i'm sorry that's not activity that's not michael jordan never had roommates like michael jordan never came home from winning a championship and there were three guys on bean bags playing playstation and they were like hey mike how'd it go uh yeah yeah we won we won the championship again yeah um hey guys um anybody know what happened to that that chow mein that i had in the fridge it was almost full it was a thing of chow mein so nobody knows what happened to the chow mein okay okay i said i was gonna win a championship come home and eat that chow mein i wrote my name on it you didn't see my name it said mj's championship charmaine you guys didn't see that on i uh now any single people here in the crowd uh single no single clap if you're single okay okay more women than men so uh i'll speak i'll speak to the ladies on behalf of the men ladies love you all of that don't take this the wrong way but for the single men out there this is what this is a message i'm sending you ladies uh you know how you have a guy friend even if you're not single you had this before every lady in here remember you had the guy friend that you liked a lot a whole lot but not that way yeah that's wrong ladies is what that is but because if the guy hangs out with you you know he likes you i mean why else would he put up with your talking i mean seriously just i'm sorry ladies when you have a guy friend and he's a great guy ladies and you won't date him do you know what that's like for the guy it would be like if he went on a job interview right and the guy was like well mr perkins this is a great resume we've got your experience we've been looking forward love your attitude you're perfect for this job and we're not going to hire you no no we probably hire someone who's far less qualified and has a drinking problem but this is a great resume well if in fact this is the resume we're going to use to judge all the other candidates now we're not going to hire you ever but is it okay if we call you every now and then to complain about the guy we do hire can we do that [Applause] [Music] and fellas if this happens to you it is your fault because women don't read minds just let them know what you want just be a wee bit assertive let them know right like i tell ladies now i tell them listen i'm good with friends so i'm not looking for that i got all the friends i need right i'm taking no more friend applications i mean check me around christmas time i might do some seasonal hiring but for right now i have enough friends i got a mother three sisters i got cousins i can't be with because of society and um uh [Applause] i said who was single so everyone else must be not single so who's not single good on you good on you good on you and um i don't know i i ask people what how do you make it work relationships and i get different things communication you know uh some guys say drinking helps a lot of men tell me though a lot of men just like hey man just let her be right just you know yes dear and i get it all these things i get but here's i think the real thing to it is picking the right person in the beginning then the work is a little easier you don't mind doing the work so i don't know about for ladies but for men i've got a little litmus test here's how you know you get the right lady right fellas it's the one you look at you say to yourself you know what i love this girl so much that i am prepared to come home from work every day sit down in front of her and listen to her story [Laughter] now now i know it's not going to have a beginning on end i realize that she's going to introduce new characters along the way but i'm going to listen with love and empathy i'm going to offer no solutions even if there is a a clear solution i would not offer that solution and ladies we love you but you know your stories are not you don't you don't b-line it with your stories you kind of you glow-stick it with your stories you know and it's because you're smarter like i'm being real like you guys your brains handle more variables than ours with tunnel vision so ladies we talk to a man be gentle understand what we got going on up here just checkers just basic checkers that's all we got just king me that's all we got and ladies your brains your brains chess yeah except every piece on the chess board is also playing a game of chess do you see this [Applause] and i think that's the reason why you never see like you never see like four women hijack a plane yeah i think it's because it it would take too long to be quite and another thing i'm sorry but uh why are you hijacking this plane again i'm getting to it okay okay okay it's just that uh we we've landed already it is a thing so should we circle what should we do man i tease cheese we love you ladies though love you i um two more things before i get out of here there is uh i live in l.a from new york live in l.a and i don't know if you have this kind of thing here but there's a social experiment in la that just intrigues me okay same parking lot there's a whole foods right next to a 99-cent store it's trippy because it's like the one percent shopping with the 99 percent and you feel bad for the 99-cent store people too because they have to walk past the whole foods every now and then they go in by mistake you see them and they're just confused they're putting almonds on layaway you know what i mean just really i go to both stores okay but when i'm at the 99 cent store when i go to the dollar store i'm proud and i hate when i'm in there and there's a guy ahead of me that tries to make me feel bad yeah i look over he's got bleach sponges ajax i get his message because you know what he's saying what he's saying is well i i just get my cleaning products from here i mean i shop here but i don't i don't shop here screw you dude because i'm getting my groceries for the week is what i'm doing if you're the man if you got it like that don't even come here with the plebes if you're the man go get your bleach from whole foods go get eight dollar bleach go go get some cage-free bleach like if you're about that life get some raised ajax i feel about that life don't bring your four dollar attitude to the 99 cent store and once you come to the dollar store you're one of us you know better than anybody else so if you're there why not have fun get in the game everything's a buck get in the game go get some grapes that are gonna go bad in an hour just get up you know my favorite my favorite thing about the dollar store my favorite thing are the bananas yeah because i've been um i've been to dollar stores all over the world okay and uh i'm i'm not sure is that is that bragging like what did i just say i don't even know is that a brag or i don't even know what what box that goes in but i've been at a lot of dollar stores and any dollar store in the world you go to you got two choices of banana you know there's two options dark green or black like those are your two and i think what happens is when they turn yellow they take them to the whole foods i think that's that's what's happening i want to leave you with this i live i live i live alone everyone i'm you know i got my own little condos a good look i didn't always live alone they used to have a roommate i saved up it was fine my roommate was cool but when people live together they're never equally clean this is a fact so round of applause who's the clean one clap if you're the clean one tonight yes cleveland's very proud you see that as a proud people clean was like yes i'm the clean one yeah and the clean one always looks at the dirty one to make sure they're not clapping no it's not your turn he didn't say but he didn't say you you i won't say dirty but clap if you are a little untidy maybe you're busy you got stuff going on yeah yeah these are my people and you got to clap as soon as i said it the clean one went like this so you gotta these are my people and i'm sure you're like me i'm not filthy i'm not filthy just my my old roommate he was he was obsessive he didn't live life you know he he stalked dirt dirt had a restraining order against him yeah he was always lurking in the shadows waiting to clean [Laughter] like i'm eating a sandwich everyone get the phone i come back the plate it's gone it's in the dish rack and and he's not even home [Laughter] [Applause] was passive aggressive used to write little notes and leave him all over the place you know like god forbid i didn't wipe with the sink that would get a note yeah like attention sync users it was just me and him so i'm like why are you it's just me say i'm dwayne say my name but you know if you clap second when you live with a clean person you know it's kind of cool it's annoying but it's cool right because if you live with a clean person you never have to clean because clean people you have to do it yeah it's it's a compulsion you can't [Music] you can't out filth us right because our threshold for filth is so much higher than yours and clean people we love it when you act like you're not gonna clean it it's cute it really is it's [Applause] because cute roommate would try to get tough right he was like hey buddy hey hey hey yeah yeah yeah hey you know those dishes in the sink well you know they're yours so yeah yeah i know i know those are my dishes just leave them there i'll get to them just leave them [Laughter] okay okay okay hey uh any any idea when now i'm not sure when actually uh i'm about to watch the lord of the rings trilogy [Applause] and then i'm gonna read the old testament so i'm not sure you guys are great i'm dwayne perkins thank you very much thank you [Applause] really really really good to be here good to be here guys actually uh i'm glad i made it almost didn't make it buddy of mine offered to take me to the airport then he was late what gives he said let me take you then he's late i do why are you late i'm sorry i had to hit my alarm on his cell phone i'm like well play this alarm that you didn't hear so he plays it promise replays it and this is the alarm bling bling bling bling bling bling bling bling bling like of course you didn't hear that probably dreamt of a harp like what what is that yeah and then i checked my phone they don't want you to wake up anymore check i checked the names of my phone the alarms they don't sound like things that'll wake you up right like morning scamper pleasant time sweet nudge hey buddy i think there's one called water birth like how gentle how gentle how gentle so you need to get up here's the thing my my theory is that if you're using the alarm you're not getting enough sleep right so i think you got to be like shocked out of you know i think like the first seven seconds of your alarm you should think your life is in danger like that's yeah like you need an alarm call who the heck is tasha like that's the kind of dilemma what what happened what you're not gonna hit the snooze on who the heck is tasha that's why i miss i missed the clock radio you know i miss the big just brick clock because the clock radio wasn't trying to be your friend right clock radio had one job and i was to wake you up and if if it didn't wake you up it was gonna wake up your neighbors like somebody and what i loved about the clock radio is if you had a big day you could set it in the middle i call that the nuclear option it was a big day that gave you the alarm and the buzz and you're like tomorrow's big i got i got that surgery in the morning then i got that wedding so let me uh put it right there and then when they woke you up [Laughter] just a small town girl you picked it up you flung it across the room if they didn't break it's good to be here in utah it really is uh i'm a non-drinker so i like utah so like one of the few places where me being a non-drinker is not an issue because typically yeah i tell people i don't drink always the same thing people have known me for years i tell them they know i don't drink but every time you know i hang out with them it's always the same thing like yo duane yo i know you don't drink right no no i'm saying i know you don't drink but you're gonna get drunk tonight boy we got budweiser we got high and again i'm like get off my back what if i had a different problem he still wouldn't care right yo duane yo come here son yo i know you i know you're diabetic right sugar like yo duane i know you're not gay right wait come here where you going come back why is he i didn't run away and i don't i'm not judgmental about it like i don't i don't drink but i don't make a big deal like i don't have a problem with if you do drink but i run into people who have a problem with me not drinking i get that sometimes like i have one guy telling me he's like i don't trust anyone who doesn't drink what a weird thing to say i can see if he said i don't trust anyone who doesn't blank that's some scary stuff right there because if you don't blink you're probably an alien that's that's what i'm that's the one thing they would forget to do you know to me i uh so we just had the super bowl not too long ago some people might be going through withdrawal you know how that is i i love all sports but i actually don't like the playoffs that's my thing like i don't i like the playoffs but i don't like because the playoffs is when you get to hear them speak the athletes that's the part i don't need i don't need because it's so macho too like this like i saw this one football player talking oh bacon macho you know interviewing him he's like this is the playoffs baby this is the playoffs baby you lose you go home this is all about who doesn't want to go home the most and i get what he's saying i get it kind of but really who doesn't want to go home remote like really like let's say he took i don't know you took the oakland raiders the mean bad oakland raiders and you put them up against a team of abused children now clearly those kids don't want to go home way more than the raiders i think it's pretty clear who's going to win that game [Laughter] sometimes it's really just about skill and speed and all those things the kids are not going to dig deep right it's not the raiders are not gonna be in the huddle like okay guys what's going on out there who who's got a little timmy huh man i do but i don't think he wants to go home i'm a big sports fan you know i i'll watch anything though i'm crazy that way i'll watch bone anything just if it's on like the other day i turned on my tv and uh marathon was on yeah i'm just watching people run you know but watching the marathon it did give me an idea and i think you'll agree i think it's time we admit that there should be two winners of the marathon there should be two winners right two winners the african who actually wins and then like the non-african you know what i mean listen if you run if you're running a marathon okay you're white american black latino asian whatever say you're running a marathon and you come in seventh place but the six people before you were all african then you won the marathon yeah i mean like [Music] you beat all the non-africans i think that's you should be very proud of yourself for beating all the non-africans like you wouldn't count it if it was like a guy on a bike same thing you wouldn't count that yeah the guy who won he didn't even know he was in the race he was just going to go visit his cousin he was like oh i won all right great i'll take it he ran he ran he ran the race in like under two my uh under two hours 26 miles in under two hours yeah i live in los angeles like you can't even drive the next town over in two hours like like like like i live in la if you you can go somewhere 10 miles away and if traffic is really bad it can take two hours yeah so like he'll beat you there he'll just be there chilling showered he read a book already you know what i mean it's [Music] but at least running is safe though at least running is safe because i i actually i'm not too crazy into sports but i did something very unsafe recently uh i was i was in new zealand okay i went to new zealand because i wanted to double the black population so i did that same reason i came to provo by the way but while i was in new zealand they tricked me into white water rafting we went white water rafting and they said it was for beginners all right i'm a beginner that's perfect right we we do this thing there's a 22 22-foot drop yeah it's the largest commercial drop non-commercial drop in the world like how is that for beginners i just don't know how how did you fix your face to say that to me how did you say that with a straight face that'd be like if you went to a boxing gym you never box a day in your life you're like hey guys i just want to learn a few things i never box but you know i just want to pick up some things this is how you do it i don't know i just want to learn they're like all right we're great you're just starting out okay let's pop your ring with mike tyson he'll show you a few things come on out here all right mike 22 foot drop you see the pictures we're in the raft they took pictures of us we go over the cliff we're going down and then you don't see us we're in the water it's crazy and my thing is look i'm from brooklyn new york okay like yeah and brooklyn brooklyn like brooklyn you understand i'm saying like crack brooklyn shooting brooklyn stabbing brooklyn not not just new brooklyn not not vegan cupcake brooklyn i'm not from that i'm from brooklyn brooklyn and the thing is you don't want to survive all that right you just survive the projects crack shooting stabbings cops all of that and then die in new zealand like white water rafting that's not a good look yeah that's why we're not too adventurous black people we we our life was front loaded with adventure we got the v get all the adventure out of the way you know what i mean that's why i'm in provo now i'm done with adventure [Music] but it's crazy man like imagine if i would have died in new zealand that'd be like if you were a decorated war hero and you served three tours of war and you came home and choked on a skittle like are you still a hero really like what [Music] and i should have known it was my fault because i'm from brooklyn i wasn't paying attention they told me what it was i wasn't paying attention when i walked in that door they told me i just wasn't paying attention because it said it right there right right there i looked it up said it right there it was white water rafting so i should have known you could break down the whole title i should have known right white i'm not white right water that's not our jam you know that's not our jam [Music] you ever go to a black pool party that's that's just a party by pool that's all that is no nobody's in the water and rafting last time my brother was in a wrath was in huckleberry finn you understand himself i should have know i was actually i was also uh in australia right which is pretty dope i love australia it's cool only thing about australia which is a little weird i'm walking around australia around 6 pm i walk past the courthouse and the judges they call them baristas they walk out and they still the judges in australia they still wear those those dumb powdered wigs it's really silly it's like guys you don't got to do this anymore like can you imagine you're getting sentenced to life and you're like hey man i understand what i did but can you take off the wig like seriously if you gotta send me away and as a black dude you don't want to look up and you see a judge who looks like he's a white dude from 19 excuse me from 1684. you know what i'm saying can i get a new white dude i want a modern white guy i don't like this can we update him please comedy's uh been good to me i've been fortunate travel all over the world you know i've um been to been to china a bunch which is great uh yeah not recently don't be free i love china whenever i'm in china waiting happens i promise you about five times a day a random chinese person walks up to me and they want to take a picture with me this happens about five times a day and i never know what's going on because i'm always like do you want to take a picture of me because you think i'm a famous black dude or do you want to take a picture of me because i'm a black dude like i i'm not sure i mean i autographed their forehead either way just to be safe hold still hostile hostel eddie murphy [Music] let it dry let it dry hold still but i tell you of all the places i've been i appreciate china the most in a sense because as a new yorker like it's a billion people with a b i love it just hustle like i could barely keep up even as new yorker it's crazy you know as a black dude you figure i get some space no people pushing me shovel me beautiful one one old lady grabbed a chunk on my shoulder and pushed off like like i was setting a pick for her you know i'm telling if you go there you got to get used to personal space is different in china you got to get used to because in china personal space ends at the skin like that's the skin in that's you that's your space let's get out that's us we're going to share that that's everybody's i actually was on a i was actually getting on a train in the subway and the train pulls up and like you just see like say this is the door just 20 people right at the door but in the train 20 people right at the door looking to get out and they're looking again and you're looking at it like how's this gonna go what's gonna happen here and then the door opens and it happens they they go through each other you're like whoa is that osmosis that's amazing because you're told that two things can't occupy the same space at the same time they can i just saw this went [Music] one other thing a few other things i say about china one is i love it i know i'm joking but i really like it because as a new yorker i like that they're not sensitive that's we've become sensitive americans we're sensitive now like if you go to you know the drug store walgreens cvs tonight somebody cut somebody else in line right right it's going to be a problem like definitely cursing maybe stabbing possibly shooting these are all the things that's gonna happen in china that's the one thing they don't get mad when they get cut they blame themselves for getting cut yeah it's not amazing they blame themselves they're like no it's my fault it's my fault because i i did leave an inch between me and the person ahead of me but my my favorite case of what i call chinese efficiency eyewitness was on an airplane i was on an airplane from qingdu to shanghai it was cool right i looked around i noticed i'm the only westerner on the whole plane like no white people even just just me and china on this plane right now we've all flown you know how you fly we're off along you know you fly you got the window seat you got the window seat but you got to go to the bathroom first thing you do you hold it as long as you can because you don't want to be that guy right we didn't reach that breaking point we're like i'm sure there'll be more annoyed if i pee on myself than ever i ask him [Music] and why were you worried it's always fine right so finally you turn to the guy in the middle you're like hey man i'm sorry i gotta i gotta run to the restaurant right he's like oh no problem no problem he turns the guy on the aisle hey this guy's gotta go to the bathroom on the problem the following following seatbelts getting buckled tray tables get put up headphones are removed blankets are taking off shoes get put on this guy steps out this guy steps out you step out because you're like screw it let's all go to the bathroom now every time there's a song and dance there's a better way people there's a better way saw it in china it goes like this in china right but everyone's chinese so that's important you're trying to use their chinese they know the drill you're in a window seat you got to go to the bathroom and with absolutely no warning you just start climbing over these two people you just climb but they don't mind they're like oh you gotta go to the bathroom that's cool they're gonna go let's go again it's amazing and it's more efficient really it's really more when you think about it because you can keep watching your movie you gotta put up one second of butt in your face and then write one second about right back to the movie now to be fair someone pointed out respectfully this is possible there because in china the butts that's a little smaller yeah like you couldn't do this in mississippi you're like oh god oh please stop i'll get up go let me get up please no one thing i like about utah and a lot of different not only utah but i like when people are nice it goes a long way like even if you don't whatever if people are nice goes a long way and that's what i tell people i go you can always be nice you know and i think people don't get it like in l.a people don't get it like my thing is you can always be nice my thing is you don't lose your temper you relinquish it you always have control you just think you don't and i and people say no that's not true sometimes no you do i'll prove it to you because listen i know i was a kid with troubles i used to get into fights when i was a kid i know you always have control i used to lose my control when i was a kid luckily now i don't anymore i know like i once hit a kid uh in the face in fourth grade with a full can of country time lemonade yeah i mean he had it coming but still like that was when you hit a kid in the face with a full can of country time lemonade in fourth grade it affects his fifth grade i'm not sure if you know that like it's but i'm from new york so it was a different like him and his brother they said we're gonna get you in the summer but then they never i think they didn't want it with me they're like that kid is crazy he uses country time lemonade as a weapon but from that moment i learned that i have control like after that i just started saying i got to do better and i did better you always have control i'll prove it to you here's a classic example say you're driving this always happens you're driving and somebody cuts you off whoa right and sometimes depending on how bad it is you're just so upset like yo you just you just get so mad you just want to catch up to that person and flip them off that's all you want to do you want to catch up and give them the bird that's your right if you catch up to him and give him the bird and you just die you'll die with a smile on your face right [Laughter] so to achieve this right you're zipping in and out of traffic you're following this guy now you go 20 miles outside of your way you're trying to catch up to him you know you miss your little brother's birthday party screw him you know what i mean you just got to get to this guy right you finally catch up to him you're getting close you can't believe it you're rolling up your sleeve you're stretching out your finger you're getting it ready you know you're putting lotion on it you're putting motion on your hand cause you don't want to give him the bird and he goes you got to ask your finger you don't want that to happen that would be embarrassing so you're right next to him now you finally this is the moment you're gonna let this guy know how you feel right hey hey hey hey homeboy remember me and you're just about to you got that first knuckle that second knuckle's about to come up and you look in that car and you realize it's suge night sugar night now some of you don't know who that is he's like a six foot four black man big man founder of death row records member of the blood organization as in crips and bloods maybe hung vanilla ice from a window by the way maybe kill tupac and or biggie we're not sure but some of you guys were like you had me at black dude no i'm not yeah but my point is you're not giving him the finger right now you got control all of a sudden now you're like well clearly up i'm going to be the bigger person here i'm not going to give people that proves you had control the whole time so the golden rule in life is do unto others as you would have done unto you i don't know why that doesn't work i propose a new golden rule okay here's my new golden rule do unto others as if they should knight just treat everybody like the sugar night [Music] like you're in line and all you have is like a chapstick right a sugar night is behind you with a bunch of stuff but you know you know what shook you know you go ahead go ahead bob you know you got enough that's all i got plus i'm not comfortable with you behind me so please go ahead go ahead shipment you go ahead uh i want to tell you through all my travels and stuff you learn and you just just do living in fact you know i'm sure everyone here you have different perspectives of things as you age and what i've learned i've learned a lot of things and one thing that i like telling people because i think it's a thing and i think we should get it right and i learned is that uh at the end of the day white people actually dance better than everybody else like that's just no not a lot of buy-in on this concept right the non-white people are suspicious even even white people here you're looking at me like no dwayne i don't i don't think that's accurate actually listen white people do dance better here's why i've studied this i know why because white people when you dance especially if you're drinking right when you dance you have more fun than everybody else especially if you're drinking like i've seen white people dancing i'm like huh how do i get that like i i've never had that much fun that looks amazing i don't know what's going on over there and why do you have so much fun two reasons i thought about this two reasons one i think it's just a pure celebration of your whiteness you i'm saying just i'm white [Laughter] hashtag winning and the other reason you have so much fun is when you dance you have a freedom that i don't have you're very free yeah and why why are you so free well because you're not you're not married to the beat i i guess the thing i'm trying to you're not gonna let the beat tell you what to do that's freedom my friends you guys are great i'm doing perfect thank you so much [Music]

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 767,436

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Dwayne Perkins, Dwayne Perkins Dry Bar Comedy, Dwayne Perkins Comedy, Dwayne Perkins Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2021, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, Dry Bar Double Feature, Naming Kids, White Water Rafting, Clean People, eat all your food, Stand Up

Id: Fvf2vnplTtI

Length: 72min 14sec (4334 seconds)

Published: Tue Oct 19 2021