A Night At Dry Bar. Mike P. Burton & Tommy Ryman

what's up everybody utah yeah very first time this is very cool i like it so far it's very nice i uh ladies up front four of you look look a little judgy you look a little judgy all right i'm not kidding i assume your face you're like yeah we're climbing we don't know yet that's fine that's okay you can do that ladies night out you know what's great about ladies night out nothing all right look no i'll tell you what i used to work in restaurants i've seen a lot of ladies nights out they start out then they end up freak show you're having fun now but by the end of the night one of you just said they're going i know i know i know and all your friends everything will be all right i know then why are you crying i don't know guys don't do that you cry if you're out with the guys they will beat you senseless it's completely different so here we are i uh the i came here from new york city i live in new york city and uh and i got out here i got here yesterday i got to hang out so what that means is like i was on time for the show okay like i was healing i say a block away like i was here on like i'm late a lot like i go to show like i'm late a lot because i have a wife and uh shut up listen she makes me late all the time and i hate it i hate being late for stuff like i just look like i live in new york city and a lot of times on a friday when you leave new york city or like any town like when you leave i don't know do you have traffic here i don't know like get caught behind a snowplow i don't know do you have big traffic roads are closed again all right so look when you leave new york city or any big city there's a certain window of time like on friday rush hour where you can leave and you're perfectly fine okay and last week i missed that cause the wife all right so now i'm sitting in traffic that i shouldn't be in and just sitting still and it's getting later and later right and then finally the traffic opens up and i go you gotta speed you gotta make up time but that's when it starts you can slow down now you're not going to be late you can slow it down you got to get out here and get a ticket and be a jerk the entire weekend because you got a ticket and everybody's speeding but you're the only one who got a ticket now slow it down and stop being a jerk slow it down and stop being a jerk wife not even with me just in my head so married mary clap married anybody married who's married a lot of people wow everybody's married best of your married how long how long married two years well he looked at you he couldn't even count he was like like comics make fun of that all the time look at you and you really did you went like you had like you couldn't count to two ah wait who's longer than anybody like over 10 years clap over 10. 10 oh wow a lot all right 20 anybody over 20 over 20 30 no oh look at that the slow just miserable class right in the middle yeah you're 31 how long 30. 32. and she looked at him look at that that never happened 32. very cool look at that see look see two years look at the happy enjoy and that goes away that'll go away 32 and she's like yeah i don't even yeah yeah i understand i totally look i'll tell you i got married in 2000. that's the best idea i've ever had i never have to count yeah the year is the year 18 is 18 done some people get married in a year with a nine in it way to go stupid you have to count with a nine for the rest of your life it's hard to be married it is like you guys understand like 32 years like you guys know each other like you know each other well enough to where you can avoid some argument right like there's always arguments no matter how long your relationship is there's always why'd you do that shut up all right you always have those right but you try to avoid as many as you can okay like i've learned like i take precautions now like i i never take my wife to a mall right never take her to a mall because apparently i can't park as soon as we get there oh did you want to pull up there [Music] i was just seeing of our car fit in this spot and it does but you're right we should be up there in between the escalade and the tundra that way we both can't get out but you can't say that cause divorce is [Laughter] expensive wife tries to help me look every now and then just let a man make a decision okay look 32 years just let him make a decision okay and i can see you're smiling but your head going no all right and i understand because you'll get it wrong but just let it be wrong who cares 32 years where's he going just let it be wrong my wife helps me on stuff that i don't want help on at all right like i don't like winter like i don't like when like i hate winter like i'm originally from north carolina and like look right now you guys are having beautiful weather and thank you for doing that okay i love it like i i hate winter so much i'm for global warming i am i am voting for it marching for it i might start buying people suvs i don't care ladies start using hairspray again no ozone that's our goal you know what's nice 70 degrees in february that's nice [Music] and see there's people with me but there's always a couple of crunchy granolas sitting around a bunch of granola sitting there thinking but the bowl of rice caps are gonna melt and we're all gonna flood no we're not we're not all gonna flood we're only losing rhode island long island and jersey buh-bye [Applause] here's a canoe get to safety but i don't like winter like it's a risk like look i fly out here like i've driven places like during the winter and it's a risk like you don't know what they do like i don't know like snowplow and all that kind of stuff i was traveling one time and i was like there was a snow storm right i had to go from one town to the other time on the same night and there's a snow storm right on a normal regular day it takes like 45 minutes okay but now i'm in the snow storm all right and it's up in the mountains okay like it's uh you know mountain people you know mountain people like i stopped for gas you guys like you want to fill it up and like back it up earl you're scaring me okay he was that kind of big guy like you know mountain guys when they get so big they can't walk normal like they have to walk with their hands out front which is just a weird look like don't you walk with your hand like side right you don't march like you walk right that's just a look that says i got bodies in the basement i like biscuits so i have to get from one town to the other town okay normal regular day 45 minutes but now there's a snowstorm i'm on this interstate in the middle of nowhere okay and i'm in a line of traffic all right it's 10 cars we're all behind a tractor trailer because it makes tracks in the snow because everything's white it's all white roads white dirt's white you just drive off the road you go until april see ya okay so we're all going two miles an hour so you don't die okay you drive and then on the side of the road they had a big flashing yellow sign caution caution really thank you so i keep going and then there's a big flashing yellow sign up further caution beware of squalls squalls what's a i'm in the middle of nowhere i could die at any minute but now i gotta be on the lookout for some lost indian woman with an amber alert so i i do so look last year when the weather finally got nice okay first beautiful day i'm gonna go out and play a round of golf with the guys all right just a nice afternoon round of golf remember to walk out the door my wife said you better put some sunscreen on i said i'm not i'm a man i can decide when i need sunscreen it's not even that hot i'm not gonna burn i'm just gonna go and i came home and i was really red all right no you don't even understand it was so bad it looked like people slap in the face with netflix envelopes all right it was awful i walked in you'll see i told you and i said shut up my face hurts all right so she was right but she also told me to hang this shirt up which is stupid because that gives me shoulder nipples and i hate that it's dumb but i love her i do like she drives me crazy but i do love her like my wife does drive me crazy okay like look she i just bought my son and i uh tickets to go to a yankees game okay we're gonna go early season because they're supposed to be great this year they have two of the best hitters ever okay we could be the best sitters ever but you gotta go early in the season like you don't wait till june by june one of them you know is going i don't have a hamstring pop all right so you get early so i bought his tickets my wife's first words hope it doesn't rain yeah we all hope that you don't say it out loud it's not like when she leaves for work in the morning have a great day i hope you don't fall in a hole what i know i love you and i hope that i hope it lots of hope she does help me though she does like my wife i'll tell you my wife made me go to a doctor and have a mole removed that's fine i probably wouldn't have done it need to go have it done i did anybody ever go to a doctor and have a mole removed you did okay all right so look i'm gonna add what do you point to her for you get a special two from one what'd you do are you really pointing at her me and like you're throwing her under the bus she's got moles too not just me that's so weird i don't even know what you're doing all right but when when either one of you went i've just never had anybody go both of them i've never had that all right so so look so when you went to the doctor and did it okay did like when you had it done look i don't even need to know where it came from don't point to an area of your body that's not part of the story all right but when the doctor cut it when he took it did he like we're gonna send it off somewhere yeah yeah and i was like why let's just throw it away i don't need that thing unless you're gonna stick it under a chair and save a wood floor i don't need it and he goes no we have to send it to a lab and test it and i said test it for what it goes well it might be pre-cancer and i go ooh what's that he goes well it might be cancer or might not that's every mole on your body your entire body's pre-cancer until you have cancer your chairs were all pre-took us until you sat down but nobody says actors already know that i told the doctor based on that theory i'm pre-med that might be a doctor might not let's take a test and figure it out here's your co-pay i do love my wife though like i've taken her to shows with me like i didn't bring her out here she can't handle all this glamour but i've taken her this shows this is beautiful i love it but she look she i took it with me to a show where there's uh they have uh like it's a couple's resort all right like they have these couples resorts i don't know if anybody knows what i'm talking about like the whole place is about romance everything there's about women been married for a long time you go to get the romance back just a short time you're going to be really romantic all right and every room is about roaming like every room has a round bed they have a round bed i didn't even know brown beds were real before i got there i thought it was like unicorns like you're never going to see a real round bed i don't even know where you get round beds i've been to mattress stores there's no round bed section but they have round beds there because you're there to be romantic and on a round bed you have to be romantic right you have to be romantic on a round bed because you have to sleep in the middle together on a roundabout you can't pick a side of the bed because if you go to your side of the bed you fall off the bed romance over my back hurts but they also have these things where they try to upgrade you all right like you guys go for your 33rd anniversary okay and don't okay but if you do don't okay but if you do they try to upgrade you the upgrade is a champagne glass tub right don't fall for it think it through think it through okay it looks romantic okay but you think it through okay champagne glass tub is up in the air right have the stem of the glass then it's up in the air so you have to get into it so you have to climb stairs to get into it but you're getting into a tub so you're naked and climbing stands how's that conversation even go yeah yeah you get in i'll get in a second i'm not gonna look at you i'm not looking at i love you happy anniversary get in the tub bubble yeah lots of bubbles get it tom but i took my wife with me to get to get out of the city to get away from the city you know i mean like to get like i we i live in new york city all right and i live and i say new york city i live in manhattan but i live way uptown in manhattan i live in a section called washington heights okay which is very dominican okay and i don't know if you guys can tell with the lights i'm not at all and they pick up on it almost immediately i do a magic trick to get out of trouble in my neighborhood what i mean is there's not a lot of white people in my neighborhood so sometimes on the street i'm the white guy and sometimes that's a problem okay so i do this magic trick to get out of trouble and the trick is i'm a white guy but i can get whiter and it's awesome like i'll do it for you like how is he gonna get wider watch if you saw me on the street right now like there's a white guy watch regular white guy watch this wider [Laughter] i know i know this is how it works okay the magic is you can change your motions all right let's say we're in traffic we're on broadway and broadway where i live two lanes but there's always somebody who wants to make a third lane and get in front of me no you're not okay cause you're just gonna stop but i have to go around you but they're not gonna let me in no all right when you don't let somebody in that causes road rage people get furious right if you're furious and you look over you don't see it's me going then that fury becomes frustrating magic it keeps you from getting shot okay that's the point nobody shoots this guy we have any latinos here any latinos any latinos none one one you are and how latino from where my mom's from nicaragua okay i don't did you just ask me that did you just really make that a question my mom from nicaragua see i don't know okay and and where's your dad from he's white he's white okay all right okay and do you consider yourself very no one else was latino their neck no one else is raising their hands so no i'm just trying to help you all right [Laughter] oh that's adorable adorable i don't even know how to say all right i did all right but your mom your mom's very latino like she's so latin does she point with her lips you know what i'm talking about like if you don't know if you ask a latino like you go where's the bathroom they'll go they'll do that yeah yeah all right and do you speak spanish do you blow you down did you think i said can you throw your voice how did that happen we got one latino do you see expanders all right i'm gonna go on now but that was that was loco that was it was crazy all right so and you speak like fluent like dead on okay all right so i'm just gonna use you in this okay i'm just gonna use you and and just show you how the magic works okay so i just have you have to be like i'll set the scene okay for this you have to be you have to be dominican okay and i know that latinos hate that like they don't like puerto ricans and dominicans they hate each other like i don't know what happened between them but my neighborhood they're like don't mix this up don't mix us up but here's the deal nobody else can tell the difference all right that's like meeting two white guys you're from south dakota north dakota dummy all right come on [Laughter] all right and what's your name juliet yeah yeah your dad's white all right very good very good okay all right so juliette is it really and what's your what's your husband's name or boyfriend i don't i can't tell it's your husband is it really romeo no it's not what is it fred josh pretty close all right yeah yeah okay good all right and you're not latino at all you're just white josh you're looks like the whitest josh ever all right gotcha all right we blanco muy blanco all right that means very white did you know that okay all right i didn't know you just had to smile like i don't know what he's saying but okay all right i like you you wore your dress out both of you just like hey we're gonna be on tv let's wear a hat all right way to think it through front row okay [Laughter] streamed all over the world got my good hat thank god all right good all right i swear if your neighbor's earl would be phenomenal okay it'd be great all right so juliet all right back to you and me okay so so we're in washington heights okay and for this you're dominican all right and i'm white and i just came out of a starbucks all right and all you have to do is yell at me in spanish and i'll show you how the magic works all right just yell like whatever you want to say it doesn't matter right and just whatever and ready and go that was not very bian all right try it again all right let me give you one more shot you're gonna this is gonna go all over the place all right it's gonna be on the internet and everybody can get the internet all right and we're gonna send it to nicaragua all right www.nicaragua.com here's juliet slash you better do this great all right and go did you say hola i said yell at me and you open with hello get out it's not like it's the first time i've ever done this i've done that before and nobody's ever opened with hello ah juliet ah so sad no parade for you no parade if they have a nicaraguan parade i don't even know if they do it's probably just you and your mom i don't even know who else because there's no other hymns he thought he was in storage wars over there he was like just throwing stuff out you know weirdo all right back to me so i also took my wife with me to get out of the city to go away because we have a son all right and just sometimes you have to just go out and be parents right look there's parents out tonight parents out tonight class right i see you're happy because you're out right like how many kids two yeah see two's fine okay there's people with five freaks okay no no no i've got one i'm not even sure i like kids yet okay and my son's great my son my look i i love my son my son's hilarious okay we were like when my son was young we were at a grocery store and we're standing in line we're waiting to check out all right and it was taking kind of a while and the guy behind us starts a conversation with my son he's like hey buddy what's your name my son said kaden kaden well that's a cool name how old are you five and then the guy got really cool so do you have a girlfriend my son says yeah he goes so what's her name and my son says mom i know you can't say that now everybody knows we're southern shut up [Laughter] he's crazy he's a good kid though like at least he's a good kid like you too like good kids right and what are the ages and really go sit with juliet go sit with julia three and one three and one okay so they're not trouble yet but i understand oh look i no all right the three-year-old listen i i went to a hotel one time i got there early enough to use the pool all right i just want to go down i'm going to relax by the hotel pool it's a four-year-old running around with a mom who doesn't care yeah you're around around a four-year-old with a mom who doesn't care 37 minutes all her little little little little little little little so i'm holding him under the water [Laughter] for a long time don't cry just don't try we're just playing marco [Laughter] but you can't do that because they go pull along get in trouble they'll kick you out they will kick you out my son wants to play games now like he's at the a like where he wants to play board games you play board games with the children it's awful i hate like when you're real little you have games for them shoots and ladders candy land fine up and down all around okay my son wanted to play monopoly i don't even like it with adults you ever played a whole game of monopoly i've never done it i don't even know how the game ends i think everybody just gets upset especially in hotels and houses at each other i want to be in the car well you're the thimble [Laughter] my wife gets mad cause look i get to be a stay-at-home dad when i'm at home i get to be a stay-at-home dad work at night and all that kind of stuff when i'm not on the road and i love it i love watching him grow up and go through the phases that they go to right and so but my wife she's like you need to take him out and do activities with him you need to take him take him to library day oh no i don't want to go to library day i'm not a reader there's no reason for me to be in a public library okay i've got books at home i've got a computer there's other places to make copies there's no reason for me to be in a public library all right and at library day they make you read to the children and i don't like to read all right like i don't read stories to him like they're normally read to kids okay look like every every children's story has a lesson in it but it's not pointed out so i point out the lesson right like jack and jill jack and jill has a lesson in it jack and jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water jack fell down and broke his crown and jill wasn't paying attention did the same thing [Laughter] you have to pay attention and learn from others mistakes so we go to library day and they hand me a book to read you can read this until the children they love it when their parents read to them they do okay [Laughter] so schmucko gets the ten monkeys jumping in the bed the most redundant story ever we could have done this in three monkeys you kidding me we get it ten monkeys jumping into bed one falls off and bumps his head mama calls the doctor and a doctor says no more monkeys jumping on the bed so i read them all i get to the last one the last monkey's jumping on the bed and he falls off and bumps his head and mama calls the doctor the doctor says you have some really stupid kids your youngest child watch nine brothers and sisters jumping up and down on a bed fall off get ahead when you have to go to the doctor and didn't learn one thing so now we're going to call social services and that's when i got kicked out of the library lesson learned we don't have to go back we don't have to go back but i love my son but he's not great in school i just make sure they're good in school my son is not great in school i love him but there's like you just look some kids you look at and you can tell like they're gonna grow up and be something like my son's gonna grow up and be nice okay that's his thing no no look not all listen i he came home from school and he was very excited all right he's like we're in math today we got to partner up so i partnered with anthony and we're doing measurements and we discovered that we're the same heightened inches but he's taller in centimeters huh i just discovered you're not gonna graduate the top of the class i'm gonna stop saving for college we're getting a boat hey i'm getting a boat you guys are cool man you guys are all right you guys are very good you're a little judgy but you're okay you're all right the one with the arms for you i'll give them i gotcha i understand but look you never know what it's going to be right like you don't know me before i come up here like we don't know the audience like for comics like every show is different for us every audience is different that's why comics get credits when we come on stage any comic you'll ever see like any comedy show the comics always get credits so that you know we'll be funny always done that well okay all right like nobody else gets that you don't hire it like a construction worker hey nailed it yesterday and here he is to screw it all right then when i come up a lot of times they'll say this next comic has been on law and order which is true but that's weird for an audience i understand it because you hear law and order and your head like oh but he's going to be awesome because that's one of the funniest shows on but we get to do other things like this is the fun part coming out performing live i love this okay but we do get to do other things like the coolest audition i've ever been on was a voiceover all right and those are cool because you talk for maybe 30 seconds and they'll send you money right this was the easiest one ever because all i had to do was walk in and say ford explorer no boundaries that's it that's all i had to do ford explorer no boundaries so i do that but the audition people are there like well we want you to play with it a little bit could you play with it like really all four words no you're a comic she's improving can you aim probably oh i sure can so i said what about this ford explorer almost 10 miles to the gallow right and they're like no how about this ford explorer it's really fun to watch soccer moms try to park them they're like no no i got it i got it ford explorer no boundaries like a guard rail or a riverbed after it blows a tire and they hated that all right my problem is i thought that ford would have a sense of humor but they don't but i thought they would because they designed the focus but no it's not my fault that's not my fault this is cool man it is nice traveling out here i will tell you when i got here like i i had to take an early flight like i had to take like a like a 6 a.m flight anybody ever done that take that early flight it's awful i hate like nobody wants to do it but here's here's what i learned all right here's how you take an early flight okay if you ever have to take that 6am flight just wake up and start going all right just zombies through the entire experience just to walk into all right just like yeah go to the airport you know where it is go go go even at security yeah yeah take your shoes take them both i don't care check them out you'll like them one of them's new all right you get to your seat you take out a magazine you read it a little bit and then you're just like you'll read and then you sleep okay you know on my flight like the zone i meant like we all got it everybody was quiet we're all quiet women across the aisle for me took out a book she's reading i'm reading there's a little baby sleeping when does that happen never okay so it was perfect we're all quiet we're all gonna sleep but we all got happy in the morning stewardess good morning hi good morning hi good morning hi hey sherry shut up six am shush but she's up and down the aisle she wants to be everybody's friend would you like a little pillow cause i can't feel a blanket all right and she gets up to the woman across the aisle for me and she stops as you go you're a runner and the woman looks up and goes what [Laughter] she said i can tell by the title of your book you're a runner the title of that book running with scissors i promise i'm not smart enough to make that up i told you i'm not a reader but i know that that's not about getting ready for marathons i'm like hey the lady behind her is reading 50 shades of grey i bet she's an artist you should talk to her talk to her but i like this man i do i like you know what i love about this show like nobody like everybody i haven't seen anyone look at their phones the whole time i've been up here the whole night i love that i don't ask you to turn them off and maybe you did that's great like that never happens like there's always something i can't stand i hate it i hate it i can't stand like come out here like you come all the way to like utah or whatever and you have to look at the top of somebody's head [Music] i can't say it like people talking on their phones like not on the show but anywhere like people talk on their phones no matter where they are right and i get it because you can but nobody knows how to talk into a phone everywhere i go people talk into their phones as if whoever they're talking to doesn't have a phone and they're across a river hey how are you holy shut up all right i can't can't i can't stand all right like i was i was at the i was at the airport and there's a woman there she's like my plane is not here and my doctor said that my it looked go away go away go away i was at a doctor's office then when you're in a doctor's office aren't you quiet like you're in your waiting room aren't you quiet you just sit there right five or six people scattered around you read a magazine from like 30 years ago or you're like all right well popular science let's see what these compact discs are all about so i'm sitting there we're all sitting we're all quiet we're all reading a woman comes in she checks in and then she comes and she sits here okay she could have been anywhere but she's here in the first couple of minutes she's fine but then you can kind of tell like the wheels are trying like oh my god i'm gonna do anything i want to make a call all right she gets out her phone and she goes to my call and she goes oh my i'm so glad you're home i didn't think you're gonna be home and so everyone looks up and they look at me because i'm sitting closest to her so it's my responsibility to make her stop so i did what i think most people do first like you don't want a confrontation but you want it to be known that this needs to stop okay so you give the look first right like don't you like but she just stays on her phone okay so what i do instead of asking her to stop all right because i've tried that and it's never worked no one's ever gone oh my god i am being rude i have to call you back that's never happened okay so what i do instead is i just scoot closer to her [Laughter] she's like could you am i could you i'm trying to hear the other half of your conversation i can only hear your half and that's rude let's go i was at the gym i go to a gym shut up you can't tell that's not the point all right so go to the gym and i'm on the elliptical all right everybody knows the elliptical all right it's got the slider feet in the arms i hate it it's a stupid machine okay but i'm older now and it's supposed to save my knees okay so for just 20 minutes just let me do it okay headphones on listen to what i listen to zone out in just 20 minutes okay i got a sweat okay and mine's in front of a mirror for some reason just to watch myself get sweatier for 20 minutes all right but just let me do it okay so i'm on there and everything's fine and then a woman comes and she gets on this machine okay and look now i don't mean that it's always all women okay i know i know i know i know guys do it too okay just in my situation it was women i'm not gonna switch them and this was a guy no it wasn't it was another woman okay so she's here all right and we're both on and fine but then she's like i'm not gonna make it and i can hear her through my headphones i don't want to hear her through my headphones so you give the look first right she's like and i get on i get annoyed so now i want to annoy her so that she goes away okay and so what i do is i count out loud but not in order and that'll wreck your brain okay what i'm telling you right now watch what try to think of something you won't be able to do it watch watch one two five eight one three eleven one one one one like all i got i'm getting a headache you could go to a doctor take a magazine she finally went away so i uh i took my family down to uh myrtle beach south carolina last year for easter my in-laws moved to myrtle beach and so for easter we just decided we'd go down there and visit all right they moved there a few years ago and we're just gonna go down and have like nice weather play a little golf maybe go to the beach just have a nice relaxing week okay but when we decided that it became a big thing my sister-in-law and her three girls we're gonna come down too and aunts and uncles we'll all come down there's never gonna be one family in one house for a week and everybody's had family vacations okay and they're brutal okay and we had a day there's really bad weather it just rained all day and that happens and you're at the beach there's nothing you can do you can't spread out from everybody you're on a family vacation for a week need some spread out hours during your day when it rains can't go to the beach can't play golf now we're all just sitting around the house and everybody's thinking where are the knives [Laughter] so one point somebody said hey we should all go shopping and i was like oh yeah you all should go shopping no we're all gonna go oh well yeah so we all go shopping and what i do when i get there is i take my niece my youngest niece the one who's been whining about everything i'm good i don't like it all right i take her and put her in a cart so i can take her and just whip her around arms all right i love it i do it hard and fast she thinks it's a ride and i'm entertained like yeah yeah yeah like a whiffer like she'll she'll crack a head not hard just enough to sleep for a little while [Laughter] so there's one point we came around this corner we had to stop because there's people coming toward us and they hate it when you hit them so i stopped and it happened to be a black couple and we had that pause where we just didn't know which side we're gonna go to so during that pause my knee stands up in the car says hello black people [Applause] they were as stunned as i was i'm like oh hey you can't say that why i don't know she didn't say anything wrong like you're gonna get us killed why i don't know that one can get awkward he said black people i know i do and i have to because i don't know what kind of black they were i know there's different guys there's coffee latte mocha i don't know what they i know it's white people we're all white okay nobody's ever said you're white but you you're more eggshell [Music] but i'm done with the family holidays done all right not just that week was so bad the lead up to it from christmas till easter same conversation with my in-laws anytime they called any in-law every time same conversation this easter we're gonna get you an easter bunny costume no you can dress up like an easter bunny you're funny you're a comedian we'll all chip in and get you an easter bunny costume no it'll be funny you're funny you're a comedian the children love you we'll all chip in get you an easter bunny costume you go you can be a funny bunny wait a minute what about this what about instead what if i go out i get a jesus costume and i come back in three days thanks for letting me play around everybody you guys are fantastic [Applause] wow yay we did it a lot of you're excited you're like that's george mcfly from back to the future no way yeah his cardigan looks amazing that's great it's good to be here i'm so excited this is fun i've been having a good year i did have i had a big break i was a semifinalist on last comics dania that was my big break thank you i made it all the way to the semi-finals some of my buddies made fun of me they're like tommy why didn't you make it past the semifinals what happened why didn't you make it further than the semi-finals i was like well i'm originally from minnesota i watched a lot of minnesota sports so i thought the semifinals was as far as you could go i thought i won last comic stand for a long time called my mom up i was like start buying some houses someone made it to the semifinals yeah this year has been fun last winter was kind of a bummer i i broke my collarbone last winter that was a bummer a couple days before christmas i broke it i was doing something pretty dangerous a lot of people have heard themselves doing what i was doing i was carrying groceries i had two bags they're pretty heavy and somebody i put ice all over my driveway for some reason not sure who did it shows up every year but uh and ice is hard to see if you're not looking for it you can walk right by it or on it yeah i wish it came in colors that'd be awesome like all the red ice is back yeah they have black ice but that's clear too so i don't know why they call it that it's confusing so i didn't see it i was walking that groceries i lost both my feet i flew up i landed right on my shoulder and right when it hit i was like oh that feels different than it's ever felt before i get hurt so bad and then my body just started making pain sounds that's never made before started coming out of me and i thought i would have a manly pain noise is what i always do like you seem like you would have a manly pain sound like you'd be like and then your beard would grow a little bit more that's an inch i'll walk myself to the hospital it's cool but my pain noise went up like it was just like [Music] just laying in the driveway surrounded by groceries so i could survive a couple days nobody found me luckily my wife heard me she she came running out threw me into the car drove me to the hospital all the doctors came out they're like is your wife in labor i was like that was me i made those sounds i think there's a baby in my shoulder it feels like twins so then they brought me into the emergency room and it was winter so i had a bunch of layers on so the doctor was like taking off my coat and cardigan stuff and he got me down to just a white t-shirt like my undershirt and he goes sir is it okay if i cut your shirt off i was like yeah you're gonna have to because i can't lift my arm up to get off he goes if i cut the shirt off it is gonna ruin the shirt i was like no way for real like when you're in medical school they teach you that one like just make sure the patient knows when you take a scissor to the shirt it's not gonna work the same way as it did before they may want to get some buttons in the gift shop on the way out i told him i was like you can cut it off i'm not too attached to this one comes in bags of 12. so i should be able to i should be able to track another one down i know a guy so he cut the shirt off he sent me to the x-ray machine then he came back from the x-ray and he goes oh tom we got bad news he goes your clavicle's broken and i stared at him for a while because i'm a head shoulders knees and toe guy and i don't really know what a clavicle is so i was like you can probably just take it out i guess i don't think i've used my clavicle for years he was like sir that's your collarbone i was like oh i've heard that don't take that out i want to keep that so then i asked him i go so what's the next step like how do we fix it i was like do we go to surgery like what did we do and he just pulled the sling out he's like you're gonna wear that for about six to eight weeks i was like that's it just a sling i was like you're not gonna set the bone or anything it was no we don't we don't do that for collarbones he's like we would if it was come on out of you or if you're a professional athlete then they would do some surgery for you and then i was like whoa wait a second nobody asked me if i was a professional athlete when i got here i didn't follow a survey or anything i feel like you're making a judgment call on this one like i walked in here look at me like i don't think he's throwing touchdowns this weekend let's give him a sling but he was right and it worked the sling it got better it worked then i got the bill the medical bill that was and we had a deductible so we we just paid paid that it was 900 is what i paid so i think i paid 900 to have a guy cut my shirt off i think that's what happened yeah i looked i looked at the itemized bills like 25 for the scissors 875 to cut the shirt off my body and then the sling was free they just threw that in there so that's a good doctor i should have just called my dad he would have been like walking off tom give me fifty dollars why don't you cut your shirt off make that into a sling there you go bud i'm kind of an awkward person like i break my collarbone on an awkward waist i've just i've been awkward all my life like there's just awkward things about me like i don't have i don't have eyebrows they should be in by now all right get them in your 30s while you're like you put your glasses back on yeah eyebrows are important like you got great eyebrows look at those way to go man like i bet when you're surprised people know your surprise oh i'm so jealous because eyebrows aren't important like you need them to express emotions now i gotta draw mine in but then i got to decide how i'm gonna feel that whole day it's a big commitment right like i don't know i could be surprised i guess i'll put a surprise but what if i'm angry though then i want to go to angry eyebrow maybe i'll just do one surprised and one angry i'll just turn my head accordingly to whatever happens in the situation yeah i'm awkward awkward things always happen to me too like a while ago i went grocery shopping i got up early i was all excited to get my grocery shopping done i had my basket i was walking in the produce aisle and a sock just fell out of the bottom of my pants sock just rolled out onto the floor i kind of looked at it like well how did i get myself into this situation and i think what happened like i had done laundry and there was an extra sock in there just rolling her like hanging out and then decided to come out but it was early i'm so tired i didn't know what to do i was like well should i put it in the basket like that's gonna be a weird awkward conversation at the register now like sir you have a sock in here like yeah you bet i do did you want the other one that that one hasn't fallen out yet so what i decided to do was just set my basket down pick up my sock and just leave the grocery store i was like clearly we got going too early today we gotta regroup get our eyebrows on we'll try again focus yeah i've had multiple awkward experiences at the grocery store too the sec the second awkward thing that happened at the grocery store i got yelled at by the grocery cart corral guy yeah yeah yeah the grocery cart growl guy that's just the person that that gets all the carts that are out in the in the like the parking lot like at a target walmart or grocery and then just brings a cart to the entryway i didn't know they could yell at you they can yell at you and it was all a miscommunication because i had put my groceries in in my car and then when i when i put my card away uh i when i'm at those kind of places i like to find a corral that's really far away and i like to get some speed going i like to kind of get run and then let it go and watch it fly and bang around in the corral like that's a really exciting tuesday for me when i get to do that so i did i found my crowley executed the maneuver perfectly but apparently there had been the corral guy was standing at a corral that was right next to my car and he just thought he was waiting for me patiently to put my groceries away because he assumed that i would just hand him my cart like a normal human being but instead he saw me just go nope and then just push it like a mile away and then like right when i let go like i realized something wrong because he was like for real and i like i like looked over and i was like oh and i i knew i could still solve the problem because like like a normal person would just run grab the cart bring it back to him be like oh i'm sorry that was rude i didn't see you but i just panicked i was like oh no i just got my car and drove away so i'm pretty sure that guy hates me he might have been the one that put ice on my driveway but i do like grocery shopping though it's fun grocery shopping at my grocery store though when everybody comes in they always stop at that coupon plate everybody has to go through the coupon booklets it's really weird like everyone walk i'm like can we just we all got to here can we just have the deals like why do we have to do arts and crafts for 20 minutes here flipping through books like tearing them like i tore the barcode i got it i need a new thing and sometimes i'll forget to get the coupons i'll get all the way to the register and they'll be like there's a coupon for that i'm like oh can i have it i'm like well they're back over there i'm like well the grocery corral guy is over there he's really mad at me i can't really go back do you want this sock will you take this sock it's a coupon yeah i'm awkward my my parents they're good people though they're great they're my dad my dad's kind of goofy though he makes his own kale chips yeah he makes his own kale chips he calls me up all the time he's like tom i just made a new batch of kale chips you gotta try these these are chips made from kale once you have these you're never going to want a regular chip ever again because they're so delicious so i finally tried one i was like oh my dad forgot what chips taste like this is the worst thing i've ever put in my mouth kale chips are not good they're basically like someone left a salad out for five days and we're like those are chips now get them in your belly my mom's funny too though she's interesting she's like she's really new-agey like she's into like energy and crystals and stuff and she's been getting weirder like i called her a while ago i was like what are you up to mom and she was like i'm activating rivers it's like oh okay so you got a job of the city or something you're cleaning up rivers and she's like no i get my crystals out i go the mouth of the river i do a little ceremony i put the crystal in and it activates the river i was like oh sounds like we're going to put you in a home soon that's what that sounds like what i was like you just been running around town throwing crystals into rivers you're gonna get picked up mom you can't be doing that you gotta have permits to river activate but she loves doing it she travels all over the country she plans these camping trips by rivers so she can set like she's got a website if you ever want to look up which rivers have been activated in north america you can find out but she has a lot of fun so after a while i was like maybe i should learn more about river activation in case i have to take over the family business i want to make sure i'm doing it right so i was like can you just explain this a little more so like when you put the crystal in the river what does it do to show you it's been activated like does it start bubbling or make a sound or like the ducks get real happy swimming around it like oh this feels amazing on my feathers like the other duck's like yeah this river must have been activated recently the other duck's like yeah it's probably barb she's a really good river activator well she's the only river activator right now her son's still learning how to do it he's on ponds right now she's gonna work his way up to full river sometimes i tease her too i called her like what are you doing she goes i'm in montana i just activated a river i was like i already activated that one she just double activated that river we should call montana let him know but my parents my parents have always been into like nature and camping like my dad took me white water rafting when i was nine when i was nine do you see this in front of you is this screaming white water rafter to everybody like i weigh about 125 pounds right now can you picture me when i was nine i weighed 38 pounds i weighed 38 pounds bigger glasses no eyebrows my dad walked in the house looked at that and was like that kid's ready to hit some white water rapids but i was not ready i flew out of the boat yeah that's that's what happens when you're that little and you're on an inflatable raft and it bumps into a rock it just launches you about six feet into the water they had to throw a rope pulley back in like you okay tommy you having fun i was like no not really my cardigan's all wet and i should be at home playing clarinet right now i really don't know what i'm doing this river this river has been activated you know how dangerous is this and your kale chips are all wet just saying i did play clarinet i know that surprises a lot of you a lot of people look at me like you look more like a tuba man for sure i played i played clarinet for a long time i never really liked it like i wanted to play saxophone but the band instructor was like nah you're more of a clarinet guy i'm gonna get you set up with a clarinet this is weird like i don't want to hurt anybody's feelings you're you're a big clarinet fan but i never got into it like it sounds like a goose to be honest like how do you serenade somebody with that just like is this working did i break it this is what it's supposed to sound like okay i did break my clarinet though because i'm a real rock star i'm a rock star and it wasn't when i was little i didn't just drop it i was about 15 years old playing clarinet my room and i i was like you know what would make this clarinet song even cooler uh is uh some dance moves that's what i thought i was like let's step it up to the next level add a little choreography so i just started jumping around i was spinning in a circle uh but apparently if you spin fast enough the clarinet's built in five pieces uh so the bottom half will just kind of fly off and smash against your wall and then you do have to have a small meeting with your parents because they have some questions when there's just shards of clarinet on their floor and i i didn't realize at the time that i could have lied to him or not live but just left some details out of the story like when they're like son what happened i would be like oh i just dropped it like normal kid yeah wasn't spinning around i know that for sure yeah i didn't see anybody spinning or i could have been more clever like oh i hit a note that never existed and it exploded i'm too good at music i told him the truth i just looked at him i was like i was uh i was doing some spicy dance moves dance moves got way too spicy and clarinet smashed against the wall uh so next time i'll just be a spicy further away from the wall and that should solve our problems but they're mad i did i'd eat a lot of kale chips that night that's rough so i got excited news i uh i'll be i'll be married for five years coming up in june of uh this summer it'll be my five year wedding anniversary yeah i did it i got married i love being married like we travel around and get to do exciting stuff we got a dog recently which is so fun we got it we got a dog we got a little boston terrier named olive we got her from a breeder people were mad at us like you should go rescue dog why don't you get a rescue dog and i understand where they're coming from like i think rescue animals are really important but i've had rescue animals my whole life like i was like i just want one fresh one one time can i just have one brand new one that i can mess up and somebody else can rescue it later and technically it's still a rescue though it's not right now we would never give olive up she's amazing when we were driving her home my wife was like now we got to get her outfits i was like what she's like we have to get clothes for the dog i was like i think you're thinking of babies i'm pretty sure dog can go a few days before he needs a sweater because growing up i never dressed up to my dogs like they were all naked they loved it not one of them ever came up to be like my friend biscuit was wearing a sweater today and all the other dogs were talking to him so i want to try that but it is fun to dress the dog up though once you start it's a good time like we get we got sweaters for jackets like costumes she's got wonder woman costume dinosaur costume so real practical stuff bumblebee costume in case you're having a picnic and there's bees around you put the dog in the bumblebee costume all the bees are like oh that's a huge beast stay away from that it's great they make accessories too like besides club they make boots they make winter boots for dogs yeah if you're thinking about buying a winter boot for your boots for your dog you may want to pass i think it might be a scam uh because we got the boost for our dog it took me 35 minutes to put four boots on my dog's paws as i just wrestled with her i was like no these are good and then which it was weird that that took that long 35 minutes because it only took her about 12 seconds to shoot him off her feet right when she got outside like she just crossed the doorway and they just shot off it was like and then she looked at me like what was this about i was like i don't know you can eat them if you want then we were going to my wife's cabin and she was like we should get a life jacket for the dog i was like what she's like a life jacket in case she falls off the boat i was like i'm pretty sure there's a swim move named after dogs i don't think they need life jackets i think it's just built inside them like they know how to do it like the docky paddle like you just put the dog in the water and if it doesn't swim on the way home you get a new dog that one was broken yeah you gotta upgrade to the swimming kind that might have been a cat you should double check and see if that was the cat but we got the life jacket i'm not a monster it was hot pink it had a handle on it so you just set the dog in the water and just bobbed around and stared at us just go out with the tie come back a couple hours later just pick her up my wife puts our dog on instagram too our dog has a lot of followers on instagram and i've never seen it before so my wife will take a picture of the dog and then she'll post a caption as if the dog is talking so it's like i hope i found some bacon today or like my ball rolled under the couch hashtag mondays are rough are you ff like real good dog hammer but then other people will respond and they'll write captions but they write them as their pets so it's just a bunch of crazy people talking to each other through their pets i was like this is amazing we got another dog harvey and i was like i'm gonna run his instagram but i'm more literal i'm just like woof woof girl woof woof woof because that that way i know if it's real dogs that are responding we moved into a house recently and the house is fun because the dogs can run around the backyard we have more space um but if you own a house i didn't realize that it comes with maintenance yeah did you know that you have to fix stuff what and i'm pretty handy like i have a tool belt but it's just a regular belt that i duct tape a screwdriver and a hammer to i like to walk around the house it looks cool and i've fixed some things like the first thing that happened we had storms in our neighborhood a lot of people's trees fell down none of our trees fell down but our whole cable for our tv the cable just dropped into the backyard and my wife was like tom can you take care of that i was like you bet i can so i called the cable company i was like hey this is tommy i just want to let you know my cable fell down on the ground i needed to go back up on the sky where it was before and then the guy on the right then he was kind of confused he's like well actually the computer's telling me your cable's working and i was like oh yeah it is working uh it's just on the ground though and normally it's up in the air so i thought i'd call you we can get that tossed back up in the air and he kind of paused he's like no mr ryman the computer is telling me it's working i was like i know this is a curveball this is a weird situation right now yes the cable's working i can watch tv but every time i go outside to mow my lawn i gotta lift a cable up every time i make a pass there's just more work that i want to do i was like is this the number i called to put cables in this guy or is there a different number that does that maybe you could transfer me to or if you want to kick this up to a supervisor i'm ready if you are i'm enjoying this conversation though and then he was like well i'm in seattle and i was like i don't know what that has to do with anything i was like do they just have their cables on the ground in seattle is that a new thing they're doing people just drive over them and stuff i was like do you want to know where i am i'm in my backyard it's turning this cable that's on the ground i really wanted to go back up in the air i was like do you want me to unplug it real quick so it says it's not working then plug it back in like i'll unplug it you hit the button that sends the person out i'll plug it back in come on so then he was like fine we'll send somebody out so this huge guy showed up in my house he's like six foot had a big beard and he just put up like two twisty ties and stared at me the whole time so like you couldn't figure this out little guy you could have found some rope or duct tape from her belt there put him up here i was like he didn't tell me about the twisty tie trick i think he wants me to move to seattle so i got out of our conversation but i did fix one thing though i fixed our front step that was a big day for me because we had some people over for dinner and one of them stepped through the step and i was like oh that's not how those are supposed to work yeah normally if you're on a step you want to be on top of it the whole time you don't ever want to be inside of a step if you are that one's gone bad so no one got hurt luckily so i ripped up the old plank and i ran to home depot and i was like where's your step section i need a new one and they brought me to the lumber yard i've never seen so many steps in my life at thousands i was like i only need one today but it's good that no you guys have backups so they cut it down to size for me and i came home i screwed it in i was so proud of myself i called my dad right away i was like i just fixed the step let's go white water rafting i'm ready let's do this i'll bring the kale chips but yeah it's fun my way i uh though with the other thing we tried this summer we tried gardening for the first time any gardeners in this crowd big gardeners here yeah there's a rowdy bunch gardeners what do you like to garden what do you like to garden kale doors that way you can let yourself out we can edit you right out of this special do you really grow kale nice well that's good i'm sure send it to my dad he'll buy it from me he needs a good supplier so we can set something up after the show that's great so do you grow other vegetables too as well so like like tomatoes or tomatoes carrots beets oh you're gonna have a great salad in three to four months or whatever yeah it is fun to garden though is it it's good you get to watch something grow like i tried we we tried to grow a pepper plant that's what we were growing where i was at the farmer's market they had one that was halfway done so i was like can't screw this up too bad and uh i came home i brought the plant home i set it on the deck i was watering it every day and exciting it's exciting because you're watching this this thing grow and i was like at the end of the season i'm gonna eat the pepper and that's gonna be a big day for me and uh one day i was in in my living room just staring out after the at the deck at the pepper plant and out of nowhere a squirrel just ran up yeah everything went into like slow motion i was like what's happening what's going on and he just like walked up the back steps i swear he looked in the eyes grabbed the pepper bit it and it just ran off and my wife was sitting there she's like i think that squirrel just stole your pepper and then my bite i was devastated and then my buddy was like why didn't you put some chicken wire around the plant and i was like were you not even listening to the story it was a squirrel there's no chickens at all so that guy has no idea what he's talking about [Music] but that's what i learned like i'll never be able to live off the grid like that's not gonna work like you sound like you could be really self-sustaining you have beets and kale all day but if the zombie apocalypse happens for me it's not gonna be good what happened to tommy like oh he was dead within two days do the zombies get him no it's a squirrel's squish squirrels ate his pepper my wife and i we've been we've been traveling recently too we got to go whale watching that was so exciting yeah oh if you ever get a chance to go go whale watching it's amazing this is what you do you pay fifty dollars you go on a boat for about three hours and then you don't see any whales that's an amazing business plan be like if you came to the show tonight paid your money and then like well the comedians are just wandering around town good luck if you find one he might tell you a joke it'll be good oh yeah side note you might get really sick while it's happening too there's people that paid that money and got seasick i felt so bad like they had their head down the whole time so i just described amazing whales to him i was like there's so many whales it's like 50 will don't put your head up it's aw it's amazing so worth of fifty dollars the other trip my wife and i went to new orleans new orleans and they there we got went on a river ride to see alligators like they and they throw food in to get the alligators to come which is exciting but what they were throwing in the water was marshmallows and hot dogs that's what they threw and i got upset i was like why are you feeding what boy scouts this seems dangerous you're gonna lose a troop next week you keep feeding them marshmallows and hot it's amazing though to see if you ever seen a wild majestic animal eat a marshmallow it's uh it's really exciting and then depressing at the same time i don't know how they do that but i love being married though it's it's exciting i uh proposing to my wife was the most nerve-wracking thing i i ever did was i it was intense who's married here claps you're married any married people oh that's people that's great how long have you been married [Applause] almost a year yeah way to go you're doing it that's fantastic where did you two me here in provo that's great this is a great place to meet people i've been around town for the day so it's i was like this would be a wonderful place to meet a significant other so you're lucky how did you propose that's what i was nervous about you went to a restaurant oh it sounds amazing was it and then did you did you have did you like hide the ring in the food or anything no that's right that's dangerous you shouldn't do that that's cool were you surprised we proposed yes oh that's the best way and you had the ring with you and everything yeah did you get down one knee nice i never know why we have to do that though i feel like i feel like the first person i ever proposed was like walking and then dropped the ring was like oh oh just picking it up and then they turned around like oh it's the most romantic thing anyone's ever done like oh no now everyone has to do this forever i hope they have good knees well that's sweet give them a round of applause they're also for you so exciting yeah i was nervous i asked my her parents for permission before not permission but i just wanted to give them a heads up that this was going to be in their life for a while i hope you like clarinets you're going to hear a lot of it but the way i did propose to her we were at her family's cabin we're on the beach the dogs were in their life jackets bobbing around really romantic and my wife really loves games so i was like oh do you want to play hangman she's like yeah i do so i did all the lines in the sand for the phrase will you marry me and then had her start guessing letters and that's when i started getting super nervous because i was like oh this is really happening like i'm about to propose and i couldn't back out because i couldn't think of another phrase that would fit i was like i'm fully committed i gotta do this now so she guessed letter m and i put the m for the word mary but i forgot to put the m for the word me which that's an important part of that phrase it really clarifies who is doing the proposing what's happening so she was trying to figure it out she was getting a little confused and she was getting more letters and then finally she was like she's like will you marry me i was like i guess so it's not really traditional but whatever did you bring her in because i brought a ring then i got down one knee i officially proposed she said yes she was all excited and after it was all done she took me aside she was like tommy i love you but i just want to let you know that there are two r's in the word mary but there's no spell check on the beach that's a tough one it's tricky but she was like who's mary i was like i don't know who mary is for our honeymoon we we drove around lake superior because a lot of people were like that's just like hawaii why don't you drive around one of the great lakes but it's not like hawaii it was a lot like driving around a big lake that's a huge lake it was fun though like we camped and stayed at lodges but there's a lot of driving i got pulled over too accidentally pulled over which i didn't know was possible but i do things a little differently like like we were up by duluth minnesota and we're driving and a state trooper came right behind my car and he just started shouting at us over the loudspeaker like he's just like like mumbling and i i turned to my wife i was like i think we're getting pulled over i was like maybe they've had budget cut back so they don't use lights and sirens anymore and apparently they just mumble actually tell you pull over so i started pulling over and as i was pulling over i realized another state trooper had pulled somebody else over so this guy was coming for his backup because then he started yelling at me more he's like i'm not pulling you over get him away don't pull over but i'd already pulled over so i was like i'm kind of stressed out you got give me a second is an intense situation he was like sir just move your car please get out of the way so i started to get back on the freeway and the car just flew by and he was like well don't pull into oncoming traffic sir you know what i'm gonna have you stay there i was like not really in pulled over i just pulled myself over that's fantastic maybe he'll let me fill the ticket out too like self-checkout i just do this all by myself i'll probably give myself a warning that's what i feel like i deserve in this situation so then he came walking up to the car he's like what's wrong with you i was like oh it's been a big day where do you want to start i was like i can't spell mary right my dog's wearing a life jacket in the back seat trunk is filled with kale chips but he let me go he's like you're a goofball get out of here so now i just never pull over cops no matter what even if there's five or six of them i'm like not falling for that again boys move it what yeah i love my wife though because we get we get we like get along because we think of things the same way like we had like we were we had to move a dresser we had to move this big 150-pound dresser from our upstairs to our downstairs and my wife is like we should take our shoes and socks off so our feet grip better and i was like oh yeah that makes sense because you always hear about those moving companies that are like barefoot moving companies shoes and socks off when you're gonna be moving heavy furniture around so we were both excited getting our shoes and socks off and she was right your feet drew grip better she's correct but they don't grip as well when the dresser slams down on them yeah but we learned together as a team so it was fun [Applause] i learned new things about her all the time too like she talks in her sleep that was exciting i learned that at 2 30 in the morning yeah like i was laying there and all of a sudden she just shot out of bed and was just like watch out for the guy i was like what mean she just went back to dreamworld like i was like i'm gonna need more details on the guy apparently in the bedroom sometimes she just laughs in her sleep too which is exciting she doesn't talk but she has a beautiful laugh this one as a stand-up comedian it was great it's wonderful but when it comes out at 3 30 in the morning it is terrifying what are you laughing at is the guy back what's happening let's get the dresser we've been talking about having kids because we have so much dog clothes we could put that on a human when uh when we first moved in together my wife and i she wanted a rat for a pet i didn't know people had those for pets i thought they just lived in sewers and stuff but i love my wife so i was like if you want a rat we'll go get one so we went to the humane society and we bought a rat now here's some advice if you ever do any rap purchasing in your future definitely go new on the rack don't go rescue on the rat pay the extra three dollars and get a brand new rat because we bought a used elderly senior citizen rat and rats only live two to three years anyways if they're healthy so this guy lived about three months and he died he died in my wife's hands like she was in the living room i was in the kitchen making a grilled cheese having a time in my life when when from the other room i heard deep sadness i had never heard before like real guttural just like and i was like is she playing clarinet without me like i gotta go jam so so i came i came running in and she just had her pattern hand i felt really bad because that's her buddy and her friend but at the same time i was like we need to get that dead rat out your hands as soon as possible because i'm pretty sure that's what took europe out i read about it in history we probably shouldn't have it in our living room so so we put it in a shoe box and we we set it on our deck and i was like what do you want what do you want to do with the rat and she was like i want to bury it but it was february in minnesota so that did not work out very well so i was like what are other options and she was like maybe we could cremate it and i was like what i just finished a grilled cheese i've never done something like that before she was like no professionally i was like oh yeah we should pay somebody that makes sense just get we should get some experts and we looked into it and there were places that would cremate the rat but it was going to cost a hundred dollars to cremate the rat which exceeded our rat cremation budget by 100 so then we had the rat on our deck for a couple days which was like a visitation for the neighborhood animals to say goodbyes and my wife came home and was like tommy we gotta figure out what we're gonna do with this guy so what we decided to do was just drive around town until we found the most beautiful spot that had a garbage can and we said some words and we laid lex luthor to rest aren't underneath some nice newspapers he was by a really pretty lake my mom came and activated it it's a beautiful funeral thank you so much y'all so wonderful [Applause] local man robs wendy's with alligator for the alligator boys now the bank should be going mom mom

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 2,480,998

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Mike P. Burton, Mike P. Burton Dry Bar Comedy, Mike P. Burton Comedy, Mike P. Burton Comedian, Tommy Ryman, Tommy Ryman Dry Bar Comedy, Tommy Ryman Comedy, Tommy Ryman Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand up Comedy Routines, Dry Bar Comedy Full SHow, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Funny Dbc

Id: hH8Qkn43dVs

Length: 82min 39sec (4959 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 13 2021