Too Ugly For Comedy. Bengt Washburn - Full Special

it's like playing django with your face and uh it's a premium on youth isn't there in our culture in this business it's magnified and i learned this when i was in my early 40s how you just have to look young for this business and i was in la i had a good set so did all the other young comics early 30s 20s they had good sets after the show there's a man in a suit very important looking across the crowd he was eyeing all the comics and we thought oh this is he's a manager he's an agent he's coming towards us somebody's going to get a break who will it be the older guy who's paid his dues one of the youngsters he came straight to me only i got his card was he a manager was he an agent no he was a plastic surgeon oh and i got his last card by the way plastic surgeon with one card 300 people i got the card what does that say [Applause] and i asked him you think i need surgery i don't think i mean i've been thinking about but you think i need sir i'm not ugly he said we'll come by my office sometime we can talk about it and i said well can't you just eyeball a diagnosis in fact did you not just eyeball a diagnosis you gave me your last card making me the winner of your little ugly contest right there can can't they just eyeball it does anybody know or are these plastic surgeons like all the other doctors you know they take your pulse and they weigh you and measure your height and there's blood samples urine samples stool samples do plastic surgeons do that call you a few weeks later with the results from the lab well we got your results back sir and uh you do not look good much worse than we thought we we found ugly in your blood your urine and your stool high levels in your stool you are butt ugly i think you should do something about this immediately this is if you don't want to die like this i recommend emergency elective surgery first thing monday morning i'm going to cancel all the other appointments they'll be kind of upset because they're a little ugly too but i'm i'm going to show them your picture they'll understand [Applause] and then you would say well this is weird i did not even feel ugly and he would say well you've probably been ugly for years [Applause] you just got used to it as did everyone around you this is what the plastic surgeon told me which i kind of admitted he said like you said you know you're just getting a little older and he's right especially in this business why look a little older when you can get some plastic surgery and look creepy [Music] [Applause] that's not fair because it works a little plastic surgery looks great i have friends who've done a little and it looks awesome they do a little more it looks great they do a little too much and that's how it is there's no such thing as a little too much across the threshold and bammo it's it's like you adjust you make another adjustment and then it all falls apart with the last little it's like playing django with your face and uh and i'll probably do it i'm probably gonna because i worry about i will i'll do it and i'll lose i'll lose playing jenga with my face showed my family christmas party and of course my four older brothers are gonna bug me about that one whoo bent i see you got a little work done a little bit looks like a little too much work looked like yeah is this the look you were going for were you surprised you looked surprised [Applause] you look shocked frankly it's like there's an air horn somewhere you're the only one that can hear it looks like [Applause] but a little straight my name is ben washburn and i have been doing stand-up comedy for a living for 26 years and been doing this for 26 years and i still have to tell you who i am i'm glad you think that's funny that's how it's been going not famous and i'm a comic nobody's heard of in fact when you're not a famous comic and you are funny people are surprised you're surprised they'll come up to me man you are not bad there's confusion it's like a something people believe if you're comic and you're not funny it's because you're incompetent that's fair right if you're not famous for doing it you're not good at doing it that's fair i think that's a standard we should apply to everybody what you do for a living sir what's your job what was that structural engineer i hate to say this but you don't look [Applause] familiar what's your name kevin miller kevin miller never heard of you you must suck [Music] must be pretty bad i mean no offense i'd still hire you uh cause you're all i can afford because i'm not famous uh that's how it goes so you know how it feels don't you not being not being famous it's awful life is awful every time we meet someone we have to tell them our name it's humiliating i have to tell them her name because they're not famous and then they have to tell us their name because they're not famous either then of course we instantly forget each other's names because neither of us are famous why remember you know it's a meaningless interaction it's humiliating this is anybody famous here tonight do we have any famous [Music] not one famous person this is a ludicrous meeting okay well we'll do what we do of course people wonder this uh they'll say bent you're not famous how did you get this sweet dry bar gig if you're not famous well first i told them i was somebody else and then i didn't let them find out who i actually was until it was too late see tell me someone else don't let him find out who you are until it's too late too late it's a lot like running for office you know showbiz and politics long ago won all right and of course the longer you're not famous the worse it gets the older you get and not famous because see there's this thing a young comic you say well they're not famous yet there's still time they could pan out they probably won't that's the business but it could it's more awkward when a comic my age has a bad set it's way more awkward because there's still hope with a young comic they have a bad set you go well at least they're young at least she's young she hopefully she gets better one day she's famous she makes her parents proud right i have a bad set well at least his parents aren't alive to see this [Applause] are they dead i hope they're dead they're not don't show them this for goodness sakes it's the last thing a parent should see is show's going well uh i mean for someone who's not famous it's pretty good didn't swear once i'm pretty proud [Applause] the career is going well now it actually is i mean i'm not famous but it's when i started it was awful i got to be honest when i started company i was a 30 year old man living in a tent divorced and living in a tent at 30 that's when i started divorced and living in a tent which was i could have like slept on couches but i wanted the tent so that i'd have more privacy for crying uh turns out uh it's very hard to cry in a tent in the woods first time i did that i started crying and then i heard something outside just yeah i couldn't get out of my head if you're crying in the woods there's a bear or a mountain lion thinking hey is that a wounded animal it was in that tent and it was tough you don't want to tell it's tougher for kids that's who divorce is horrible for they live in two different worlds now that's very hard with different rules those irreconcilable differences two different places affect like my daughter she's with her mom who's very neat and tidy bedtime at eight do your homework bedtime at eight and very kind not like me nice you know like oh don't say stupid honey stupid's a bad word that robs people of their dignity then she comes to my house you know bedtime at eight that's stupid and sometimes she would correct us with rules from her mom's house like oh grandma you said stupid my mom says the word stupid is bad my mom says the word stupid robs people of their dignity and then my mom has to defend her position you know oh honey stupid people don't have any dignity [Applause] they lose that when they do something stupid just just ask your dad well he knows living in a tent puck tent can't even stand erect in his shelter it's really it's not a shelter it's a tent it's not a shelter when you can get killed in your sleep by a lawn dart had a blunt mom she was great very blunt i didn't tell people i was going through this bad thing for a long time and then finally started telling people about the embarrassing ten divorce situation and when you tell a lot of your friends and family that you you're divorced you soon find out which of your friends and family should also probably be divorced based on their response told one of my brothers man i'm divorced and living in a tent he said man i kind of envy your freedom that's a bad sign for a marriage if you're jealous of a homeless man's freedom that should never if you see someone sleeping on a bench in a park at noon and you think man my wife would never let me do look at that lucky guy noon sleeping peacefully unmolested whole bench to himself [Music] look at that i didn't know you can turn it around that's the beauty of life you can turn life can turn around you make some good decisions in a row you just hold it together and this is an amazing true thing this is totally true i met my wife of 18 years while living in that tent isn't that amazing here's how but here's here's how blind date it's crazy huh thank goodness for horrible friends they lined her up with a homeless dude they didn't even i don't know what they told her well he loves the he's outdoors he's good with knots he smells like deet but you won't have to worry about gnats or mosquitoes on your date we dated all summer well i lived in that tent all summer and then i know for me things got really serious in the fall as it got colder and then buried happily extended so it's going well it is it has been going well in fact this is how else going i bought new clothes for this show totally new clothes i know the pants don't look new but they are that's that's how expensive they are see all the fading that's pre-faded yeah you pay extra for that i i remember this how old i am i remember when pre-washed jeans were the rage then they came out with pre-worn and then somewhere in like the 80s they came up with pre-destroyed mauled shredded pants and my first thought was how do you get out the bloodstains [Applause] it looks like you just pulled those out of the hamper at the emergency room wow this guy got stabbed in the groin so great it's crazy and then the kids want them and it's awkward as a parent to buy a teenager a pair of those pants because as a parent you want to make your teenager feel grateful slash guilty about everything you buy for them and it's hard to do with these pens it doesn't work verbally well you are lucky kiddo i hope you would appreciate why when i was your age we had to wear out our own clothing if i wanted pants like that i'd have to i don't know get mauled by the a badger from the waist down roll around in bleach no our clothes were new we looked ridiculous we couldn't afford to pay someone to mess up our pants like that it's amazing people get paid to do that somewhere over the ocean there's kids like messing up these fat or maybe not maybe they just wear out their pants and ship them here maybe the teenagers are wearing second hand third world clothing [Applause] it's possible but actually that's not what's going on they're in a factory just a young kid in a factory like 14 wearing perfectly new pants because that's all he can afford he's like going at him with a fork and a saw and sandblaster and then man americans are crazy this is weird now i can't now that i can afford the really torn up crappy pants i can't wear those at my age you can't get away with ironic poverty [Applause] so i won't look hip or look homeless again [Laughter] can't get away with irony and sarcasm as much uh i find that's an age difference at my age it's hard to it's hard to get away with sarcasm because young people just think you're being mean at my age so i was kidding i don't think you were it was irony i was being ironic really at your age plus what is and isn't mean has just changed the boundaries of propriety and i lose track i'm always inappropriate at that like this happened i was joking around i was buying televisions i was gonna buy a new not i was gonna buy multiples buying a television things aren't going that well [Music] [Applause] with all the tvs out in front of me and i'm trying to choose them and i got it down to you know like between a sony that's like a japanese television brand a sony and a samsung and an lg i'm looking like seven or eight screens for like 40 minutes and i just can't figure out which to get and finally i turn to the clerk and i say you know what i hate to admit this but to me i think all asian televisions look alike it's a joke that's a joke come on because that's what he did he kind of shook it off like come on i was joking and i can't tell the difference between asian televisions they all look the same he could tell of course he can he's korean yeah he's korean or japanese i can't tell but [Applause] the point is is that racist i don't think it is it's just i'm stupid i've never an inexperienced i've never had the opportunity to see those two different nationalities next to each other you know i didn't have it in college i i never took a math class i never that was a little racist but but also accurate i never took math i guess some people would say i'm racist i don't think i i know this i'm definitely less racist than my great-grandparents that's changes over time did you know this racism wasn't even that term wasn't even coined until 1902. 1902 they came up with that word which seems a little late to be doing something that much and not even have a word for it hundreds of years and it makes me wonder what horrible thing are we doing now that we don't even have a word for and then your kids are going to come up with that word young people and they're going to throw it in your face like grandpa you were a swigler we were all squigglers everybody squiggled it was a different world [Music] yes we accumulated debt we lived beyond our means we swiggled yes and you know why we accumulated all that debt because it's expensive to ruin the earth costs money to make all nuclear weapons and chemical weapons big piles of them cost money they got to pay someone to guard that all that plastic in the ocean you think that was free no we had to buy that throw it in there and buy some more you know if we had to spend that money right now right now it would only be two degrees warmer instead of six do you know that takes money to turn up the heat we hadn't done that but right now you'd be wearing a sweater you're welcome and those torn pants would be a bit chilly wouldn't they you're welcome for that i don't know that's a touchy subject global warming very political the weather is now the most political hot topic used to be literally small talk now it'll start a fight i bring it up and everybody's wondering does he believe in global warming and i will answer your question by asking you a question do you believe in global warming because honestly whatever you believe that's what i'll believe if i hang out with you long enough that's how we work this problem i think the problem is uh it's just too easy to believe stuff humans are really susceptible to believing stuff do you know this humans will believe just about anything if we hear it three times if you hear something three times you'll believe it do you believe me or do i need to tell you one more time i said this is how it works this is how it works you hear something crazy the first time you might not believe it maybe you heard this maybe this swept through provo you todd did you hear this do you know the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep every year you heard that your brain said that couldn't be right but a couple days later you heard someone else did you know the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep every year and your brain says you know i think i've heard that before then a couple days later you're with someone they said you know the average person swallows eight spiders yeah in their sleep every year i know i'm not an idiot [Music] all right i hear stuff i remember it and i believe it i'm like you i'm self-educated all right an age just average that's average okay that's the average it depends on where you live depending on how many i've noticed this once you believe just kind of bs that you hear you will add your own flavors and spices it's the average if you live way up north it's too cold not as many spiders to swallow plus more beards per capita so the spiders can't get over the beards while you're sleeping that drops the average you live by the equator it's way too big the spiders are too big to swallow no one swallows a tarantula in their sleep that drives the average down what drives the average up is the temperate climate like through north america there where there's trillions of bite-sized spiders living there in the spider belt or arachnid alley depending on which term you hear three times this word is just susceptible we can all you can end up with this dumb opinion you ever had one sure if you haven't then you definitely have some that's so it works man it's easy to form a dumb opinion and keep it the smart opinions are tough but right you got to learn stuff and think critical and there's logic and stupid opinions are way easier you form them easier to defend too like a smart opinion you gotta cite evidence you know stupid opinion this is how you defend a stupid opinion you ready for this to say you defend you say do it well that's not that's that's what i heard you can just cite hearing it as evidence that it's true if it's a dumb enough opinion well i've heard it like three times okay everybody's saying it any idiot knows yeah we consulted the idiots we thought well let's see what the idiots are saying it's really easy to defend they're all so easy to attack this is how you attack a stupid opinion right they say do it well that's not what i heard you would just cite not hearing it as evidence that it's not true you expect me to believe there's something true i haven't heard at least three times this is the first time i'm hearing this and none of the idiots look i'm an idiot and then you get defensive we do that people get defensive huh they're like will you call me a liar no maybe i'm just saying maybe you heard something that's not true like three times then believe it i'm not calling i'm not calling you a liar i'm calling you stupid you say i'm stupid you're saying i'm stupid well that's what i heard [Applause] several times it's your wife all the idiots did you hear it three times you believe it here's what's here's what's weird hit confirmation bias you heard of that i have several times confirmation bias is the part of us that if we hear something that matches what we already believe then we'll believe it the first time we hear it so now you're believing stuff the first time you hear it if it matches up the stuff you heard three times see what i mean this is how it works like do you know the average person swallows about 18 insects in their sleep every i believe it we're already swallowing like eight spiders that's probably why they go in there they're chasing the bugs that's what's going on it's a wonder anybody starves frankly so that's the way it is with i think with global warming it's one of these things there's definitely a generational difference with the global warming that's like my daughter a whole different feeling about there's a warm day in winter here a little while ago it's like last year she was seven and she came home from school scared talking about global warming she was see she was scared by a warm winter day when as a kid we enjoyed a warm winter day it was fun because we didn't see it as a symptom of impending doom so we enjoyed it the same way you would enjoy sudden weight loss until you find out it's an intestinal parasite fun and actually it's a lot worse i don't know if you know that uh if you're not old enough to remember the environment was actually much worse for a while we made progress we should take be happy about that a lot of the air way worse way way worse it was so bad the environment was so bad we noticed it us the scientists didn't have to tell us there was a problem you know like with global warming would you notice that on your own really if you live by a glacier yes you would you'd look out your window and say wow we've got a yard now full of boulders when did that happen but like global warming the ocean it used to go up like a little under two millimeters now it's going up about almost four millimeters a year but really would you notice on your own that change in depth when you went to the beach would you go hey the ocean seem a little deeper to you this year this seems a little deeper if you notice that yeah and it's a bit more acidic did you taste it see zinnia isn't it's more acidy i think you're right i think this beach could use a couple tablespoons of baking powder whereas it was so bad it was so nasty we didn't need a scientist to tell us in the 70s that there was a problem when in 1973 the cuyahoga river in ohio burst into flames see what i mean any idiot knows there's a problem when there's a flammable river it doesn't need to be a scientist you don't even need a ged for that he's probably some junior high dropout down smoking by the river because it was good for you and he like threw the butt in the river and also oh that is not supposed to do that that is uh i'm not a scientist but i'm pretty sure that's supposed to distinguish my cigarette it is this is spreading like a son of a gun well yeah call the fire department but tell them to check their water that's it we might have had us a pair of dickham shift here [Music] flaming river and i feel bad for the scientists in a way because they have to try to communicate this stuff to us to a guy like me for years i thought well why can't you explain it to me many people will explain it to me and they're like ben we can't you're too stupid what do you mean i'm too remember earlier how you didn't take math that's the problem you don't get it and then they have to try to not only point out something you wouldn't notice that make you worried about it and they're not always the best at marketing global warming warmth bad word if you want to mobilize people don't put warm in the title oh no worm will it also be toasty right warm is at worst inconvenient at worst like dang it my kit kat melted completely wrapper all the contest instructions covered with chocolate i have to lick off this rapper to see if i'm a winner [Music] worm's not scary now in the 70s bad problem genius marketing whoever came up this great idea to mobilize people what's scarier global warming acid rain that'll get your attention acid will be raining out of the sky you want all the information and details well what kind of acid holy cow what kind of acid like sulfuric battery acid what i do do i pull my car in the garage that kind of acid or is my hippie hippie-dippy neighbor gonna run outside with his mouth open [Applause] is this a party or a problem that'll get your attention anybody's attention acid rain that's that's that is crazy that's even old testament crazy even the old testament god would like ease up with you know what moses let's hold off on the acid rain maybe second thought let's hold off on the acid rain let's uh let's see how they respond after we kill all their firstborn you guys have been great good night [Applause] everybody you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 855,421

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Bengt Washburn, Bengt Washburn Dry Bar Comedy, Bengt Washburn Comedy, Bengt Washburn Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, ugly, plastic surgery, getting older, old age, youth, hollywood, global warming

Id: ye2heqHdtJc

Length: 35min 59sec (2159 seconds)

Published: Thu Oct 22 2020