CHRISTIAN COMEDY, with Dennis Gaxiola

a mexican mom doesn't give statistics she doesn't give facts she'll just give examples you're gonna end up like your cousin lupe so i have six kids five boys one girl [Applause] my daughter is my daughter is 15 she's beautiful straight a student made varsity cheerleader as a sophomore the boys are knocking at the door now what's the right age let her die the date letter date 16 no i don't like you i need a dad dad what's the right age let my daughter date there's no that's a good answer and there's not in the right age i told her 33. he said jesus never went on a date if you outlive the lord [Applause] my dad was a preacher and i found out at 12 years old i didn't pay to be funny my dad would go from church to church preaching and i always take one of us kids with him and i'm sitting in the front row this big church 500 people on a sunday morning and before my dad starts to preach he surprises me mijo stand up and tell the church something about yourself i'm 12. i'm scared i got a good life i live at home with my mom and dad what is what am i going to testify about but i stood up my sense of humor kicked in and i faced the congregation and said my name is dennis and i'm an alcoholic oops wrong group it's a good joke for the dry bar everybody thinks he'd grow up in a preacher's home in a good home everything's perfect no my mom and dad would get into disagreements but my mom got upset my mom was half mexican half puerto rican my dad never wanted to lose his temper when he was having to deal with my mom one morning it was saturday we were going fishing early in the morning and my mom started getting on my dad's case about getting some chores done around the house and whenever he got upset he would just throw out a scripture or biblical principle do not try this at home when she started getting on his case he looked at her and said ye without sin cast the first stone that's the wrong thing to say to a half mexican half puerto rican woman when he said ye without sin cast the first stone she was like jesus is my rock i'm sanctified and busted him upside the head i got more jokes i'm just looking at you guys we parent different i don't buy into the politically correct mentality that we're all the same who's tired of the whole politically correct mentality where you can't [Applause] if you want to see politically correct comedy you need to go see a non-smoking drug free vegetarian bisexual handicapped native american senior citizen female that drives her electric car to her job at the recycling plant i'm not the one [Applause] we do things different i don't bind to the hype we're all the same to say that we're all the same we're all equal but to say we're all the same denies god's creation as far as i'm concerned he knew what he was doing he made us all a little bit different look how we parent each ethnic group does a little bit different no one gives better parental advice than my white brothers and sisters you guys give statistics and facts you guys have flyers on the refrigerator it's beautiful just say no billy a mexican mom doesn't give statistics she doesn't give facts she'll just give examples you're gonna end up like your cousin lupe some cultures you could talk back to your mom if you grew up in a latino home you cannot talk back to your mother you let your kids talk back to you they talk back to you and you let him live i mean let him get away with it i remember i thought i was old enough to talk back to my mom she whooped me and grounded me for two weeks had to call my wife let her know i couldn't come home baby mom is tripping [Applause] nice crap so i recently turned 40. thank you 10 years ago and um over 40 wave a hand if you're over 40 wave a hand okay now if you're not 40 you're gonna think this is a joke but if you're over 40 you know i'm telling the truth because you start going through things when you cross 40 that you don't go through in your 30s and 20s a couple weeks ago i got hurt sleeping anybody anybody not jumping out of bed while i slept i pulled a muscle now i'm limping around my house the whole day i didn't know what happened i couldn't remember then then then it hit me that i got that cramp who gets the cramp in the middle of the night the cramp in the calf came time for me to take my nap but i was scared i'm not in good enough shape to sleep so of course i made that new year's resolution to work out i went to the doctor though i said you know i want a workout plan he told me to start with 25 crunches a day i said man that's a lot of chocolate i'm up to 12 bars a day man i'm feeling better but my diabetes is out of control right now i wore black tonight ladies know that secret black makes you look thinner i think it's true cause i often see chubby white women with black boyfriends just seeing how far i could go with you guys huh don't go too far paco now this is small for latino standards but this is the biggest i've ever been i was the runt of a high school of three thousand kids i went to berkeley high i was five foot two and seventy 75 pounds my freshman year i was now i'm almost 200 and i went to a family party and my cousin walks up to me and he slaps me on my stump and goes what happened i said i got older you were fat when we were 12. i'm just glad they didn't have that booster seat law back then can you imagine me going to the prom i'd be like all buckled up you know you're beautiful let me out mom so i've been married 21 years old [Applause] three wives three wives brother i'm good at it man i just did a show with the couple that had been married for 62 years and i asked him right from the stage how have you stayed married that long and the husband said we haven't spoke since vietnam now i just remarried my first wife after 23 years apart we got remarried and i had to go see the counselor at church to find out he wanted to know why we wanted to get remarried i said because i miss half my stuff no the hardest part about breaking up because we were childhood sweethearts then we broke up the hardest part was the custody battle we are right there in court arguing you take them no you take them some of you are laughing the rest of you are praying so i just finished a 12 base tour for the air force they sent me out to do 12 shows across the country for the air force it was awesome going back and performing i was in the air force myself so it was awesome to go back let me do a check right here through how many military veterans we have tonight clap your hands if you're military veterans [Applause] all right okay let's do a room check we're the army veterans at army give it up for the army over there back over here marine corps where the marines have any marines here no no everybody stay still what watch once a marine always a marine they don't know when the war ends i have no marine jokes where's the navy at anybody from the navy anybody serving anybody shop at old navy an air force who's in the air force with me right over here give it up my brother over here we were this close to being in the military you don't realize how tough you aren't when you're in the air force until you get out and you have to go to the va to be with all the other veterans i see a marine lit by he goes vietnam took a bullet i see an army soldier go by gulf war shrapnel i'm standing there with the wrist brace but i still wanted to act like i was tough i was like us air force carpal tunnel email 05 i'm better now i'm better now so i go out in these 12 12 air force bases one of the bases was so far into texas that the nearest airport was in mexico they said we could fly to mexico or drive six hours across texas to go to this base i said i'm not flying into mexico i know who won the election you're not getting rid of me like that [Applause] so we drove from san antonio to a base all the way out by the border and an hour away from the base we get stopped by an immigration checkpoint me and two other comedians i'm driving the rental car and i pull over at an immigration checkpoint and i quote the immigration officer he walks up to the car and says are jew a jewish citizen it's like are you a u.s citizen [Laughter] and then we are in albuquerque new mexico when we were performing at a base when we got there they briefed us about how top secret this base was but they had the hot air balloon festival going on and hot air balloons were accidentally floating over the base and landing and i witnessed this and the military police were very nice they just escorted them right off the base i saw this happen and i called my uncle in mexico i said there's a new way to get in they can't build a wall big enough for this one oh that would make him mad huh if we've had hot air balloons what do you mean they're floating over the wall [Applause] we're gonna tax the air we're gonna tax the air i'm not left-wing i'm not right-wing you know i get my political views from my grandfather very wise old man from torrion mexico i went up to my grandpa one day said grandpa what do you think about a woman's right to choose he said mijo i think everyone should wear chews i grew up poor i'm not ashamed to say i grew up or anybody grow up poor nothing wrong with growing up in poverty you learn things when you're poor you would not know if you had money when i was seven years old the family car was a 1965 chevy impala that was not a low rider on purpose we had a big family and a hooptie there we know something about a hooptie used to call it a jalopy they call it a hooptie now this car had no reverse because the transmission was messed up you couldn't make a left turn because the steering column was messed up okay you cannot make up jokes like this all right this is a testimony right now i was seven years old when we had this hooptie you couldn't even make a left turn in but at the age of seven i already knew that three rights equal to left rich kids didn't know that my teachers thought i was advanced you don't want to ask my dad for direction she'd be like okay man you make a right you make a right you make all right you'll be all right [Music] we were poor for dinner all we had was helper no hamburger just just the helper you know it's hard to travel you know that right it's hard to travel and be a good person anybody experience that were you trying your best to be nice and friendly but the flight in today i'm on the window seat the plane was packed and it's not the man's fault he's a big man to see this little but he had to sit right next to me he's pouring into my seat it's not his fault but before we even get in the air he falls asleep and by the time we're up in the air he's snoring and his head is on my shoulder he's dead asleep and i started elbowing him to get me get him off of me and then i heard in my heart what would jesus do man i didn't know jesus flew southwest kept hearing what would jesus do that i thought about i was like man jesus raised the dead so i looked at him and said wake up he got up i do all these jokes about being mexican and i'm i'm a grandpa where the grandpa's at where the grandfather's at you got grant you have you have grandsons from your son and from your daughter from your son they're going to carry your name on i have two grandsons my second son gave me two grandsons but his wife is irish italian i got nico and nolan they got my last name but they're blue-eyed freckle-faced little boys i can't even take them to the mall by myself without an amber alert going off all right i'm gonna do an impression for you guys i can't do characters or other people you know i got a high-pitched squeaky voice i know that i still get called ma'am on the phone i called my friend up my friend's name jeff jeff happens to be black his daughter answered the phone i said can i speak to jeff she said hold on grandma so either i sound like a little old black lady jeff's mom sounds like a little mexican comedian but i'm working on a new impression i'm gonna debut it for this special right here i don't know if you guys are ready for this one this is my impression of a latino proposal are you going to keep it thank you you guys were some of you were laughing some of you were doing signs of the cross you guys like all right same joke with a different twist this is my impression of a black proposal in the case of 18 month old jamil you are the father i told you i told you i-t-o-l-l-u you can spell it both ways alright one more impression for you guys this one almost got me beat up this is not about the friendly kind compassionate loving god-fearing people of provo utah i was two hours north of sacramento california at a native american casino one night a month they do comedy there 700 cowboys no indians i did the latino proposal they laughed i did the black proposal they laughed so i thought these were some really cool good old boys and i did this impression once again this is not about the friendly people that are here tonight this is my impression of a redneck proposal don't tell mom 700 people nobody laughed the dude sitting right next to the stage jumps up and goes that ain't funny he wants to fight me i was like bro sit down man he's about my age i said man we'll have a heart attack before we land a punch just sit down but he keeps going and security came they grabbed him and they're taking him out of the theater and he goes i'll see you after the show he just threatened me but i still have to be funny so i said the first thing that came to my mind i was like how are you going to catch me i'm in a mercedes you have a trailer that's what security was like that's enough paco how did i turn into paco all of a sudden i do all these jokes about being mexican and i'm not fluent in spanish i was at a show and i mentioned that one time and this lady that's like a big insult in the latino cultures if you're not fluent you're fluent in spanish but if you don't huh they get mad at you and this lady said oh you're a sellout you're not a real mexican oh yeah here's how mexican i am my youngest son when he was born he was already an uncle you don't get any more than that right there people get nervous when you joke about race act like race is the biggest problem in america i think that's the media the media wants to divide us i travel around the country go to rooms of all different colored people and we all laugh together the media does a really good job acting like we can't get along we have problems but our problems are nothing compared to other parts of the world where they hate each other so much to put a bomb on their own body to kill themselves and their enemies over ethnic and religious differences you'll never see that in america you'll never see a redneck get on the bus in oakland california and go in the name of the kkk [Applause] all right white men don't cross your arms on that joke right there i have a real mixed family i got a black brother-in-law jewish brother-in-law puerto rican sister-in-law my wife's puerto rican but not all the combinations work out perfectly you know my nephew's mexican and jewish he wants to get a car but he's not sure if he should steal it or buy it wholesale [Applause] he plays soccer and he he goes to inner city school in california he's the only player i go to one game because his dad is sick so i go to the game with him the uncle will be there with you two soccer teams he's the only kid on the field that is not 100 mexican and he's getting ready to go in the game and he's stretching and i try to make him laugh and relax i go up to the fence and i yell you can do it one of the parents sitting behind me goes gesture i don't speak spanish like i said i i'm still proud of my culture nothing wrong everybody should be proud of their own culture there's nothing wrong with having some tribal pride right i have those moments where it just burst out of me like for my birthday last year my sister gave me a card to starbucks i don't even drink coffee that much but i went nobody in starbucks and there was a long line nobody was ordering coffee everybody was ordering fancy drinks and i felt so out of place the lady right in front of me when it was her turn she ordered a soy vanilla latte now it's my turn to order i'm looking at the menu and i'm nervous and i saw they had a spicy mocha so i was like let me get a soy spicy mocha then when they called my drink at the end of the coffee bar the girl was like soy spicy mocha and i had a burst of latino pride and i was like soy mexicano if you're not laughing you didn't pay attention in spanish class [Music] i'm trying to grow my beard because i think i look more like my dad but my mom was like you look like your grandma you met her you're sitting there i get my sense of humor from my mom my mom was funny didn't even know she was funny you know anybody like that there's naturally funny they don't try to be funny for my mom's birthday a few years ago we took her to dinner and then we took her to see the movie passion of the christ how many people saw a movie passion of the christ okay some of you did [Applause] i don't want to ruin the ending he doesn't make it three days later sequel we took my mom to see pastor of the christ and we got kicked out the theater how hard it is to get kicked out of a movie when it's a good clean wholesome movie we got kicked out because through the whole movie my mom was screaming run jesus run don't get churchy on me that's a good joke it's how many years married 15. anybody got 15 beat who's got more than 15. anybody got 30. any 30 30 right how many sir give them a round of applause years all the married couples especially to the women i want to help you out this lie that goes around and says men don't communicate ladies we communicate just not with you because we know if we say the wrong thing it doesn't ruin that moment it could ruin a whole period of time i'll prove it to you i had a golf trip planned with my uncle and cousins we were gonna go to monterey california just three hours away had this trip planned for two weeks i didn't tell my wife i was going golfing until the morning that i snuck out of bed very quietly got dressed got washed up came back to the room gave her a kiss on the forehead and said okay i'm going golfing i just woke her up when'd you plan this i said two weeks ago you're barely telling me now why have you mad for two weeks [Applause] i love you never forget ladies that that man you're married to is nothing but a big boy all right don't kill the little boy in your manner right if he likes to play video games don't get upset you play video games sir still she said no he looked at her like sad are you all right sir just blink and we'll get you in the shelter tonight sir he looked like a 12 year old boy that was grounded right there he looked at her it's like i play video games i see i still eat cereal where the men eat cereal still [Applause] i go to bed with a bowl of cereal i start my day with a bowl of life and i finish it with the bowl of life and there's a plan behind that i eat life cereal every day just in case something happens to me everybody can go he was so full of life that's the dumbest joke i ever wrote i got a trophy wife too man i know that's not right to say refer to my wife as a trophy but i'm proud of him everybody if you're in love that's your trophy as your husband and your wife that's that's your trophy but not everybody got a first place trophy you got a first place trophy sir look at you you put your arm around her you're like why when she got a plaque but you got a truck [Applause] well shout out to my two black brother and sister in the back now right i asked where the black community was in provo and they said they'll be at the show tonight you don't understand how how different that is i grew up in berkeley california in a melting pot it's a global melting pot of people from all around the world you know and the most racist thing i ever experienced as a kid wasn't from a white person it was from a black guy and he was my friend and this was back before people had to start having their feelings on facebook i went to school with a kid named kenny and for eight years from junior high through high school every day kenny called me taco i'm glad you think that's funny ma'am he would see me and i would walk to school with my brother i was taco my brother was sauce what's up taco what's up sauce taco sauce every day all the way through school i didn't get mad i didn't file a complaint i just thought about it i said a taco is a crunchy shell filled with delicious ingredients how did kenny know [Applause] one thing i know about comedy is you have to know the line everywhere you go across the country you gotta know the line each ethnic group is different on what is sensitive and what's not sensitive up here you guys are very cool go to the south you should have a passport to go to the south anybody from biloxi mississippi i got booked at a country western bar in biloxi mississippi and i knew the show was going to be in trouble when the guy booked me he said we want to book you that's the way he talks and we want to we want to book you for cinco de mayo i'm booked already it was hold up i didn't tell you when the show was gonna be [Applause] we're doing it in february so i went and i knew i was in trouble when i used the men's room and on the bathroom stall there was a swastika talk about a laxative but we start the show and it's going great that we're having a good time the people are laughing and it only takes one because there's good and bad in every group we know that from the back of the club in the back of the bar this good old boy screams out spear chucker now i've been called every ethnic slur you could possibly call a mexican you start calling me names from groups i don't even belong to that's taking it too far there are people embarrassed in there you're making us look dumber there's good and bad in every group there were some good people after show wanted to meet me this one man never met a mexican came up to me he took a sheet off you're pretty funny for latin though that's latino man latino land now chicken now use a chicken though ain't you that's chicago man chicano hispanic i finally cut him off said look i don't care what you call me just don't call me lazy you will never see a mexican on a street corner with a sign we'll work for food you might see us on that same corner selling food [Applause] you give us a bite that's an ice cream truck you give us a truck that's a fruit stand mess around and give us an rv well that's a restaurant hey where's your restaurant depends [Music] what kind of addresses depends i'm very proud of the diversity of my culture i had a friend who had never been to a mexican restaurant and i took him there and he didn't understand the menu and he started questioning everything and i was bragging about how deep and diverse the latino cultures are so he goes well what's a taco i said that's a tortilla filled with meat and lettuce and cheese and sour cream is delicious he goes what's a burrito i said well that's a tortilla filled with what's a fajita it's a do-it-yourself kid i believe we're equal i believe we're different look how we define miracles each ethnic group defines miracles differently white miracle is different than a black miracle it's different than a latino miracle different than chinese miracle or asian miracle white miracles your miracles are usually because somebody was testing nature you see it on the news they were cross-country skiing got caught in the blizzard barely made it out miracle that's definitely a white miracle right there you will never hear that announcer say jose and leroy were caught in the blizzard jose and leroy know that there's snow on the mountain that's a message from the lord stay off the mountain white miracle different than a black miracle black miracles more like and then the judge dropped the charges brother if you can see the people turning like this they're like is he laughing darn it martha i can't turn around to see if he's laughing they're gonna march he's gonna make a march black miracle different than asian miracle and asian miracles more like today i drive to work no one honk at me and that's different than a latino miracle latino miracle's more like she's not pregnant [Applause] one thing about comedy like i said earlier you gotta know the line i performed in the south the line is different than up here different than california still got to make him laugh there's still comedy clubs in the south like in south carolina where on a friday night is for white folks saturday night is for black folks still got to make them laugh but you got to know the line especially when the racial tensions are really high i go to the south here's the line when i got an all-white audience elvis presley lady die dale earnhardt that's the line right there you do one dale earnhardt joke you hear banjos go off i was on b-e-t black entertainment television had me for nine seasons i was the mexican on bet i know the line with my black brothers and sisters here's the line dr martin luther king president obama and hearing no black folks very proud of the hearing they'll let you know i heard that they're very proud it's okay sir you can laugh at that joke go to a big latino concert that's my people i know the line here it is for a big latino concert the raiders selena and jesus in that order you can talk to the most hardcore gang-banging cholo out there you say something wrong about the lord he'd be like hey man that's the lord [Music] he died for you and me fool now go meet him man it's not a real gun it's she jumped like he's so violent i'm gonna put it away okay look right here i'm gonna i saw her jumping almost messing me up i grew up in berkeley california melting part of the world but when i travel i tell people i come from the san francisco bay area who's been to san francisco i tell people i'm from san francisco right away they go yup earthquakes i think san francisco is the greatest region on earth for one reason and one reason only i don't care how big your event is if you bring it to san francisco it will get topped by an everyday occurrence follow me on this you could bring a great event to san francisco it will get topped by something very san francisco a couple years ago it was navy fleet week saturday afternoon four hundred thousand people lined fisherman's wharf i was there two hours early because at three o'clock sharp the navy's blue angels gonna come flying underneath the golden gate bridge and swoop right past fisherman's wharf four hundred thousand people three o'clock sharp i'm there two hours early but at 2 59 he was six foot eight in high heels hot pink shorts a tube top and a scarf and he just came strutting back [Music] oh lord what the shh you guys have been a great audience thank you very much [Applause] you

Channel: victory outreach church anaheim

Views: 282,213

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Id: cdX93PlPfTw

Length: 44min 24sec (2664 seconds)

Published: Mon Sep 07 2020