All Mice Go To Heaven. Jeff "Big Daddy" Wayne - Full Special

why don't you just do your job he was not worthy to work on humans i told you me and my wife my former wife remain friendly she calls me up one day there's a mouse in the kitchen she wants me to get the mouse i haven't dealt with a mouse in years you know so i go down to home depot you know what that is right home depot is a giant place five miles away you park it takes you five hours to walk there people whizzing by all kinds of stuff happening all these kids work there with orange aprons on they have cell phones headphones internets nobody knows where anything is at the whole time you're there joe gardening joe gardening joe electrical joe electrical joe some guy called joe in the back they all call him he knows where everything is at so i'm looking for a mousetrap so i go finally to the place the kid is there you know right away i know we got problems you know i said listen i'd like to get a mousetrap now when i was a kid and older there was a very simple mousetrap it's very simple it was just a little piece of wood with a thing that you pulled back a metal latch you put cheese or a little bacon on there the mouse would go get it and this would release that latch and snap its neck job was done everyone was happy except perhaps the mouse so i asked the kid and he goes we don't have any of those oh my god that was a wonderful thing that was one of the greatest inventions of all time it was so simple i said well what do you have he goes we have the humane trap let me see the humane trap gets out a cylinder got a price tag of 19 on there i'm not buying this there ain't no mouse worth 19 bucks now the kid is excited this is a humane trap you open this up insider some little tablets that give off an aroma they attract the mouse he runs in this shuts you've caught the mouse it's humane i said well that's incredible what do i do with a mouse after i get him i'm not a collector of mice i got to give this crit credit he didn't bat an eye he goes well you let it loose in your backyard i said i'll run back in the house again he didn't bat an eye let it go in your neighbor's yard i said we haven't given them the lawn mower back i said look you've got something to kill a mouse i know you do i know you do you got stuff to kill weeds and bugs and a mouse is right around that area now you give me what you've got to kill a mouse so i'm not making this up some of you know it's true he gets something out like a piece of sandpaper he says that has those pellets on it with the aroma the mouse runs on the air and gets stuck it's glue and the mouse dies struggling to get out of the glue i said my god that's horrible he said what's more humane than that other one i said and then i'm thinking suppose i'm hungry and there's a bunch of food i walk over and my neck is snapped as opposed to walking you over and going oh my god that's good i could have a heart i just get it because i'm in a rush my former wife thought it was as silly as i did we're gonna try it out we put it you know we put it in the kitchen the next morning about 605 i get a call you got to cover cover you got to come over right now you got to come here right now let's throw the rope over the pajamas this isn't that far get in the house she's holding the cat or cat's going insane what is it the mouse the mouse we go in the kitchen and there is the mouse he's not dead i got the healthy happy mouse i got the jogging mouse the non-smoking mouse that's who i got my wife you got to do something the cat's got i said take the cat and put it in your bedroom and lock the door right now because if that cat gets loose on that glue and that mouse that's going to be a mess and you know who's going to have to take it to the vet and the vet doesn't like me either our vet doesn't like me because our dog broke his leg now any of you people with pets knows how difficult it is when your dog breaks his leg i mean it was awful and i get him to the vets we put him up on that steel uh table there and the vet goes you people ought to watch your dogs more carefully i said yeah i'll just quit my job and follow the dog around why don't you just do your job he was not worthy to work on humans [Applause] [Music] now i'm looking at the mouse thinking when i can't shoot him and blow a hole through the floor i can't step on him and get it on my shoe i can't frisbee it in the neighbor's yard what's this where's my lawnmower huh so i'm looking at the mouse trying to think what to do and what i thought i could do is put him in a big trash bag drive over to a park and put him in a dumpster then knowing my luck i stop at the park looking halfway normal in l.a start walking to the dumpster freeze please what's in the bag a mouse and glue you're sick no i'm an artist but i decided that's what to do so i get the bag out i start punching some holes in it my son was about 13 comes walking you're feeling humane today so what do you mean well you think the mouse could breathe maybe you'll get loose i said as a matter of fact i do why wasn't the cat doing his job what did you leave me alone i got something i got to take care of here oh i could keep it as a pet so what are you talking about i mean it's stuck on glue well i can feed it and give it a little what my wife comes back in i want it out i want it out right now i said just hold on let me work on this i wanted as a pet and the mouse died the mouse heard the three of us and just collapsed right there and i told him look what you've done look what you've done to this poor creature but it's just an example of how difficult life is becoming today why why do we get rid of the things that work the simple things you know i don't understand it it's just a very politically correct world now my name is jeff wayne i'm originally from newport kentucky moved to los angeles to become a big star and here i am in provo utah [Applause] and i'll take it [Applause] kind of fly of course you know get an inexpensive flight from la to salt lake city of course you get an inexpensive flight you got to do a connection i got a good price but i had to go through munich flying with her mother and her little boy about six in between us kid is up and down up and down in and out up and down in and out running up and down the aisles after about an hour the mother said i hope my son isn't bothering you i said no but i wish he'd go play outside came in a day early to take a look i've never been here before what a beautiful beautiful little community you have here very nice i came down to take a look at the club and everything and i'm standing outside where they had a poster of me and that was impressive to me you know i mean it's nice they give us the first class treatment here and i'm looking at the poster i'm just standing there there's an older couple they're looking and the guy looks at my poster and goes jeff wayne never heard of him and i'm standing right there and i wanted to tell him i've never heard of you either because you haven't heard of somebody doesn't mean they're not somebody i haven't heard of any of you and you're somebody aren't you [Applause] i must be somebody they're paying me and i want to tell you i'm very happy to be on dry land this is dry bar it's on dry land i've been working cruise ships it's good to be back on terra firma again now let me share something with you about the ships that are happening in the ship industry the cruise ship industry and a billionaire in australia is building an exact replica of the original titanic only it'll have more lifeboats it's going to sail on the original month and date go take the original route stop at the place the tragedy and have a ceremony and proceed to new york now i'd like to ask you by applause how many of you would sail on the new titanic buy a plus how many of you would not sell on the day [Applause] these are my people because i'm superstitious not only that consider you sail on the new titanic and it sinks when you feel stupid i shouldn't have done this and the guy's trying to get kate winslet and leo on the on the on the maiden voyage yeah yeah so they're gonna be playing the music and imagine if you were drinking walking around you seen them you hear the music am i dreaming is it real life is it a movie who knows but uh i would thought i would share with that with you because it is wonderful to be back on dry land again and uh and by the way i want to tell you i'm proud of being from kentucky i know a lot of people sometimes you know i'm from newport kentucky i'll describe it for you 1974 there was one tornado six blocks of devastation 25 worth of damage i go back once a year for my ged reunion i am white trash for the politically correct that's caucasian debris do we have any white trash here tonight ladies and gentlemen could sense it and i am proud to be white trash we're the world's last oppressed minority think about that any other group you call them a name you're a racist you're a bigot you're insensitive but you can say whatever you want about white trash nobody cares not even white trash in fact that is the hallmark of white trash we don't care other groups protests they vote boy trash doesn't do any of that when i do this bit around the country people say to me what's the difference between a redneck and white trash well rednecks are a peg up white trash is here to make everybody else feel better everybody else feels superior what if the group has trash after their names do white trash lives matter they don't care but you won't never see that on the news or the media none of those people care they're not interested you know and that's because we don't and that's okay i think it's a good place to be you go crazy worrying about all this stuff man i was born in kentucky my dream was to be a comedian i was a freak when i was a kid my friends wanted to be rock and roll stars actors or politicians can you imagine then i wanted to be a comedian so you know i was in front of the tv watching all the people old stars new stars young comedians old comedians i know i wasn't going to do anything in newport so as soon as i was old enough i moved to los angeles to go to the comedy store and that's where i learned my craft of being a comedian and now i'm a comedian yes and let me tell you something it hasn't been easy because i'm not black italian or jewish my mom and dad love me i had a happy childhood we weren't rich or poor i did okay in school i didn't drink or do drugs i went to church i had nothing to talk about [Music] [Applause] and then i met a woman now the landscape of life changed we fell in love got married and had three children and then after a while things didn't work out and we were divorced and i remarried her again because i wanted my house back and we tried and tried to make it work out but it just didn't work out i mean we really love each other but it just you know i'm talking about 20 years here of life and we try to stay friends we have three children i talked to her before i left i called her up plaintiff [Applause] i'll be gone for a few days now the problem in the marriage was me i don't mind sharing that with you i take full responsibility and i was gambling and gambling is a horrible addiction it's it's just horrible i mean i would just gamble gamble it was horrible i was in las vegas you know i playing craps and people would gather around they usually do that when somebody's winning people gathered around to see if i could keep losing which i managed to do i was playing a slot machine next to a guy i was playing this slot for four hours this guy was there for about two and also he took a handful of nickels and threw it into my tray i said what's that for he said i wanted you to hear what it sounds like when you win then i bottomed out this is a true story this was when i realized it had to stop i lost the money the rent money the food oh my god it was horrible i felt so disgusted with myself i was feeling sorry for myself and i'm so depressed that i'm walking down the strip in las vegas and right in front of caesar's palace was a man with no legs or arms with a bowl in front of him you know to throw the money and there i was feeling sorry for myself but i looked at him and i thought i could take that bowl now i didn't do it but the more i thought about it what could he do if i took that ball i might be out of shape but i cannot run a guy with no legs that's when i said it's over no more of this and uh i'm happy to tell you i have not gambled since yes [Applause] nothing not i don't even play games i'm not taking any chance and uh the alimony's paid the child support irs uh and some and some of my investments didn't turn out well i should share that with you then that's not gambling that's investing getting investing that's a calculated risk i got those gold coins they advertise on tv there was chocolate inside because all we ever hear about now is money and that all we hear about is money money every politician well not all of them but a lot of them income inequality we got to have income equality that's where you take the money from the rich people and give it to the poor people and the balance is out that's the theory now right now i'm in favor of that well you got the idea but you know i've been working to show business a long time you never know what could happen i could have a hit tv series tomorrow and then i'm rich and then they take my money away and i hear these politicians redistribute the wealth redistribute the wealth i'm from kentucky we need teeth we're going to distribute the teeth that's what we need so i waited to the kids are secure money has paid off she's all right the former wife i said it's time to start dating again looking for a mate the perfect mate none of this internet stuff for me i want reality that's what i want i want to meet somebody see see the initial meeting is really everything you know so this is a party i met this really nice lady attractive you know bright just had a good spirit about her and after a couple more times we met and then i said okay this is this is something i think could happen i invited her out to a very expensive restaurant i'm showing off we're sitting down we're having our little appetizer just a little chit chat and then all of a sudden she goes okay before we go any further i have to ask you this question and it's the most important question and i'm thinking oh boy this isn't good those questions should wait till later not right up front you know what i mean and i said well i'm an honest guy i'll tell you whatever you need to know and she looked at me and she said okay tell me this what is your spirit animal [Laughter] now us guys may not be smart about relationships but we know crazy when we see it and i'm thinking i i don't know what she's talking about i said well forgive me i said but what is a spirit animal she is every person inside of them has a spirit animal a living breathing animal and it's just free and wild and it's what you really are and i'm thinking my god she's out of her mind this thing is over right now so i thought i would shift positions that i said to her with a smile you know to buy time what is your spirit animal oh the biggest smile i've ever seen oh i have an arctic fox i'm white with little black eyes that i dart across the snow and i'm thinking i may not even finish the appetizer this what is this so then she smiled and said okay think about it what is your spirit animal i said i'm a dung beetle she said that's not even an animal that's an insect i said i have low self-esteem she didn't laugh i tried a pun i said well i guess we're done with that nothing no sense of humor and you know a sense of humor if you have a sense of humor male or female you're halfway there that's just a wonderful thing that a human can have yes you've got a sense of humor and if you don't we're in big trouble arctic foxes were not known for their sense of humor or are known so that was out now i made another lady beautiful redhead lady you know and i'm talking about ladies that are middle-aged ladies i'm not i got buddies they all want to go out with younger women you know and i want somebody around my age i don't want to footnote every conversation good looking lady bright you know and we were different in our politics different in several areas of life and that's okay i'm living let live you know as long as you're decent and you're not trying to kill me okay fine and she told me i'm a vegetarian and i told her i don't care if you're a vegetarian or a vegan or a vulcan it doesn't matter but i like meat all right i believe in nature we are carnivores our teeth are designed for the ripping and tearing of flash i didn't say it to her like that it's very lay these people you know you go to their house for dinner and the hostess let's we're going to have a wonderful health salad oh great i get to crap like a parrot all weekend that particular lady didn't like what i said she was well what do you want to eat i told her to stake that dick i want it so thick and sauce my heart when i'm eating call the paramedics to bring me alive to finish that steak cut my heart open and shove a baked potato in there maybe a carrot too you need your vegetables you know so i just told her you know i'm you eat what you eat i'll eat what i want eat you know if you want to eat bark and berries that's your business so we go out a couple of times no push no shove nothing but the third time we went out she started that subtle push you know so i ordered lamb chops she says now before you eat those visualize them as a little baby lamb and i gobbled him right up she said how could you do that i said i visualized myself as a hungry lion and i realized that's my spirit animal i'm a roaring lion [Music] [Applause] and i saw this glazed look on her face as if we had detached somehow and then i leaned over and said what's your spirit adam she said you're crazy that one was over now i did meet a lady who was a little younger than me but very bright very attractive but she was into sports golfing tennis going out working out area i mean she was really in shape and yet because i know somebody that isn't i live in l.a man i'm with these actor guys you know they're hey look at my six-pack well look at this keg guess what i tell her so i went to a different restaurant you know because you don't go back to the same places where these things have happened and i thought this this might work out a little younger to me but it might work out we're sitting there and i'm waiting to the right place in the conversation i said i want to let her know i'm hip i'm scared so let me ask you something that's very mysterious perhaps you don't know about this what you will now but i'm just going to ask you right out what's your spirit animal she looked at me she put down her knife and fork and she said i don't know what my spirit animal is but my spirit animal can beat your spirit hannah over over over i'm not getting involved with that no this is the last one and probably the last one for a while because i can't take it much longer investing a lot of time in this you know a lot of work and a lot of money and a lot of calls and a lot of thinking again a nice looking lady she seemed normal as i told you i work on cruise ships we're in san pedro california taking her down to the ship to let her see it go down a little early have some coffee there's a beautiful little part of san pedro like a little village we're walking through it talking and all of a sudden she goes ah he grabs me and i thought is there a sniper did she get shot by a cipher get a cyber shooter i i'm being honest with you what was just ah i look are you okay and she's crying what is it what happened and she set up he goes there's a puddle i said yeah she said i think i drown in another life i said we'll learn how to swim in this one why was she in another life a flounder flipping and flopping it up what is this people with past lives spirit animals you know what's wrong with reality animals don't walk around thinking what kind of person am i what's happening to the world ladies and gentlemen i mean these women are a little younger than me but i think it must be the educational process society and law you know in l.a they have what's called feel good education the theory is you don't fail the student you don't hurt the self-esteem what's the result a bunch of stupid people that feel good about themselves joey what's two plus two three you're so close joey someday joey's gonna be an airline pilot you only missed the runway three times joey i stopped by a fast food place in la just to get a drink before i came out here girl was around 17 i guess she gives me the drink and she goes did you win a straw with that i said no let me suck it right through the lid she said you got a bad attitude i said you're stupid i can't repeat to you what she said to me but i felt like i was back in kentucky [Laughter] and i'll tell you what i'm starting to think i was pleasantly surprised i was in jamaica recently i don't know if you've ever been to jamaica uh actually i've been there many times it has three main ports each one looks like it was bombed in world war ii every time there go to the germans make it this far what happened the passengers all go to the beautiful resorts and it is a beautiful island but for those of us that work on the ship if we go into town unlike other places in the world where people try to sell you things you know people in jamaica swarm on you they're on top of you hey my name on aman amon amon so on the ship i go into town to use the internet in town and you gotta walk through these people hey man what do you know so i just want to get through as quick as possible so i'm walking through it amon i know what you need now that scared me even i don't know what i need i need marianne from gilligan's island and a fifth of jim beam how's that huh amon you need a hammock yes sir that's exactly what i need i flew from la to miami and got a cruise ship to jamaica to buy a hammock hey man you want some ganja you guys know what that is right and they offer it to you right there now let me tell you something ladies and gentlemen i never smoked pot i i i work with comics and they'll say well everybody did it you ever noticed when you talked to somebody and telling me you didn't do what everybody did it no no everybody didn't do it i did have friends that did i had no interest in it i'm not interested in it if you want to god bless you do what you want to do but i don't but i can tell you this if i start if i start it's not going to be in jamaica i'm not waking up two weeks later naked with a purest left nipple my hair braided singing bob marley sauce so i get through all this i'm almost back to this ship when a older black gentleman with a snow white beard and a colorful hat stopped me and said iman you want to buy a stick i said well i might be from kentucky but why do you want to sell me a stick it's a magic stick so it's magic why do you want to sell it you get three wishes with a stick i've used my wishes and i'm thinking what did you wish you give me one wish and i'm set for life baby let me tell you that but i bought the stick and i'm going to tell you why i bought that stick i appreciated that man's ingenuity he wasn't begging for money he wasn't robbing he wasn't stealing he said i will sell something to these americans because they buy anything he saw a stick i'll sell him that stick couldn't we use a little more of that in the world ladies and gentlemen people thinking how they can do something because i worry about the world you know i see not all of them but some of my friends kids the over praise of children all the time i mean i live in l.a and these kids you know you go to dinner when i was a kid you were seen and not hurt therefore you learn something discipline how to behave and maybe you learn something from adult conversation now you go to these people's houses and all of a sudden they'll go stop let's hear what oliver has to say you know oliver's eight i don't care what oliver has to say okay so he killed a worm today big deal you know the parents are going he's a genius and you look at him there's nothing wrong with positive reinforcement when you're telling kids you're a genius you're going to do this you're going to do that you're setting them up for a bad deal and these kids i just don't understand i got they're they're 26 years old i think that uh healthcare the obama healthcare started all this because they would sell it by going and you can keep your kids on the insurance policy to their 26th you're not a kid when you're 26. by the age of 26 i had been married twice and had four cars and in been in jail it was nothing bad non-payment of fines that's all it was but at 26 what is that they're already you can't get them out of the house when some of you may remember this when i was a kid i love my mom and dad but i wanted out of the house does anybody remember that i went out now you can't get them out you come home they're like giant manatees lying around the living room get out you slug you big slug and they crawl down into the basement all these kids are living in the basement now and one day they gotta come out that's the zombie apocalypse when they come out of the bank i have friends or kid the kid must be 30. he lives in the i said what's he doing well he's looking for a job in the basement well he's got the internet he's got a girlfriend in the basement on the internet yeah that must be a real romance i'm afraid i'm going to be over there about five years from now come out of the basement my parents thought i could stay under brayford your parents have been dead for five years so many people today think they're supposed to be given something we're supposed to be given something i think some young person soon is going to say the government should give us free toilet paper it's not my fault i crap because we are becoming a politically correct society changing our history changing our language they don't use the word problems anymore now it's an issue you're not going to a doctor you're going to a caregiver you're not going to a hospital you're going to a wellness center everything sounds better but it's still the same thing it's just to confuse us i did a show at ucla i told a joke i said my grandma's going deaf we can't afford a hearing aid so we stopped talking to her lady that booked the show stopped me she said the term is no longer deaf it's hearing impaired i said it doesn't matter what you're saying she didn't go to hearing the l.a times announced they will no longer use the term illegal alien they believe it's insensitive i thought it was just a definition you have legal aliens and italy that's as simple as that that's all it is but it's insensitive pretty soon we'll call burglars unwelcome house guests [Applause] and now ladies and gentlemen i want to bring the show to closure i want to thank you for empowering me to make you laugh i hope you appreciated the diversity of the material if you didn't laugh you're in denial and remember you were entitled you were entitled to laugh you're entitled to have a good time it's your right to have a good time and if you were offended that's just too bad because everybody's offended by something today it doesn't matter in my act i could have somebody that was on the plane with a kid and their kid ran around or somebody from kentucky i'm not white trash of course you're not go eat your pork rinds uh i believe in spirit animals of course you do you must be an endangered species i think we should get free toilet paper my parents basements is a nice place you know it's a culture of complaint you know you're not gonna like everything in the world you gotta learn to accept it and i'll tell you what wherever you're from be proud of that whoever you are be proud of that you know i'm from kentucky people always made fun of kentucky and i used to say there's good stuff about it no matter where you're from man you're you're from a great state here you know when i was a kid the first thing i learned about this state was the mormon tabernacle choir yeah i'm talking about they would watch this on tv that's when we had three networks this was a big deal you sit and listen to that choir and i used to say i'm going to be their opening act someday [Applause] and the beauty the beauty of this state that you have in the salt lake and the history and so i started thinking when people attack kentucky we have a lot to be proud of in kentucky by gosh abraham lincoln was from kentucky that's right man of war the greatest racehorse was from kentucky muhammad ali was from kentucky george clooney is from kentucky and we have kentucky fried chicken [Applause] wherever you go in the world ladies and gentlemen there's kentucky fried chicken you know that don't you and then i'll tell you something i go all over the world and wherever i go there's kentucky fried chicken everywhere guam hong kong south america i i work i travel with this act you have to so i was in denmark i'm eating my kentucky fried chicken and somebody told this lady i was from uh kentucky and she walked over a danish woman she goes is that all you people eat in kentucky's fried chicken i said yes because i didn't want to talk to her i wanted to eat the chicken don't you know the grease will clog up your veins i said that's what we make bourbon for it cuts right through it you've been a wonderful audience thank you so much god bless you thank you take care thanks [Music] you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 331,246

Rating: 4.7863846 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Jeff Big Daddy Wayne, Jeff Big Daddy Wayne Dry Bar Comedy, Jeff Big Daddy Wayne Comedy, Jeff Big Daddy Wayne Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Mouse Trap, humane, White trash, comedy, dbc, stand up, big daddy, Spirit animal, dating

Id: 7sfPSYiYQiI

Length: 40min 19sec (2419 seconds)

Published: Thu Oct 08 2020