Christian Mingle: The Movie

okay just gonna put this here really quick all right here we go hey there welcome to my channel if you're new here what's up how's it going and if you're coming back what's up how's it going it's very good to see you again you see what happens when you subscribe to my channel you get an extra greeting at the beginning of every video so press the subscribe button for an extra greeting all right guys is that time of year again you know cuffing season right you know it's that time of year where everyone wants to just cuddle up with someone they love you know maybe watch a nice romantic comedy a rom-com if you will so weird how I mentioned rom-coms because that's what we're gonna be talking about today and I'm not just making a video about rom-coms in general no I'm making a video about one certain rom-com and it's a very bad rom-com because obviously I only make videos about things that are bad and stupid so I should make a video about my haircut right self-deprecating humor to get the audience on your side comedy one-on-one you know usually rom-coms are a nice light-hearted flick you know maybe you laugh a bit maybe you cry a bit but they never try to sell you anything or convert your religious beliefs right well the rom-com that we're gonna be looking at today did exactly that today we're gonna be talking about the movie Christian mingle you know the dating site where Christians can go online to find other Christians well they made a full-length feature film I have a lot to say about this movie so I have a feeling this video is going to be very long but please stay with me and come along with me on this journey because it truly is the strangest romantic comedy I have ever seen so let's get mingling so the movie starts off with a drone shot through heaven with the protagonist doing a voiceover letting you know a brief synopsis of the film we all have stories to tell our own paths to faith in Christ after a fun groovy title sequence of people getting engaged we meet the protagonist Gretchen wieners this is what Gretchen wieners has been up to since Mean Girls goodbye burn book hello the good book so the movie starts with Gretchen wieners on a date with a ps/2 character I'm guessing because he does not look like a human being and you know he's a jerk he's not paying attention he keeps looking around and stuff and he ultimately leaves the date to go touch another girl's back going forward I'm gonna be calling the main character Gretchen even though her name is Gweneth in the movie but I think you all know her as Gretchen so I'll just I'll leave it at that so the next night Gretchen goes up with her gals and you know they're hanging out there talking about men and how they're just the worst this is where it gets really weird and kind of mean listen to what her very good friend says to her if you're not careful you're gonna be the last one standing you better marry a guy or you're gonna be the last person out of our friend group to marry a guy we'll be out talking about how married we are and you'll be at home not married no no Ann Marie will be the last one standing guaranteed I just wanna meet a guy who will look at me for 10 seconds and smile now we get into the main plot Gretchen just wants to be loved you know and not by her cousin Jason she just wants a guy to only touch her back so after getting ripped apart by her friend she goes home eats a cookie and starts flipping through television ads and this is where we get our first brand integration into the movie so she gets an ad for Christian mingle and conveniently out of all the ads that were playing on the TV the only high-quality one that is playing was from the company that is funding this movie wow it's so crazy how that happens you know what a co-inky-dink and she turns it off yeah yeah right Christian mingle no way dude she would never get an account and find a man on Christian mingle no way even though that's the title of the movie of course that's not gonna happen then the worst thing happens she checks Facebook and sees that her one friend that she thought was less variable than her is gonna get married husband for you husband for you husband for you husband for you they're not for Gretchen wieners five so the next day she goes into work and we meet her work friend Pamela which is in every romantic comedy they have a work friend named Pamela 100% that's just that's a prerequisite for every rom-com so we meet Pamela and we meet her boss mr. Bates from Freaky Friday also I want to say something really quick there's literally no cinematography in this movie it's all just like static camera weird framing and there's really just nothing interesting at all its lutely just like here's a person talking and now here's a person reacting enjoy the film so this next scene is very strange because it kind of introduces the be plot of this movie which is totally pointless it could have the movie could have gone it could have been the exact same without this part I don't know why they added it in but it's a it takes up a lot of the time in the movie let's just watch have either of you heard abdon eat DiBona Doni Doni de Bona Donny de boner Donny the boner mr. Boehner is coming in to see if he wants to hire Gretchen to market his new product and his new product is a pill that cures baldness mr. Donny de Bona so after that presentation Gretchen really does not want to market this pill so no mr. right and now I gotta make bald guys believe some magical potion they buy on TV is gonna solve all their problems she doesn't think it'd work she doesn't believe in it it's just like why would you want to do that you know what she says I don't care how you brand it package it or sell it it gon take and get you here you ain't gettin here when I'm an old man I'm 100 I know I'm gonna be bald you know and as a future bald man that offends me Gretchen all right if God didn't give you a husband you ain't gettin a husband Gretch take that so now she's down in the dumps she has zero husbands and now she's got to help out bald people yeah so God in His infinite glory helps her out God if you are out there this is going to Aidan calling and help he shows her yet another Christian mingle added God is a marketing genius to be honest there's a small part of me that kind of respects this more than like subtle product placements and movies because those are just like oh let me let me drink this coca-cola with the logo facing out boy boy boy drug ah that's some good coca-cola all right now time to go solve this murder like they're trying to make it like subtle and it's not it's just cringy but this is just like Christian mingle is just like [ __ ] it you know we'll just put a whole ad in the middle no [ __ ] it do you would put two ads in the first 20 minutes of the movie did and not only will these ads play they will be the inciting incident for the rest of the plot Wow dude that's just respect ChristianMingle that was gross I hated that I'm sorry so after seeing that ad she creates an account on christianmingle.com and I honestly don't know why because there's literally nothing different about the first time she saw the ad it's the same thing she's chilling watching ads like why is she doing it now why what happened because he had to help all people now that's how you find God uh gotta help bald people [ __ ] well I guess God now hey hey God so she goes on to lie about how Christian she is which is like such a poser move dude like such a poser dude [ __ ] I bet probably no you probably don't even fraid huh yo this guy doesn't even [ __ ] pray and when it asked what church she goes to instead of just like going to Google Maps typing in church and clicking on like a real Church and using that she puts God's church which is pretty crazy that she goes the same church as Jake Paul so if you'd have some light Bible research instead of you know just reading the Bible and then she sets up a date with a man at a coffee shop and let me tell you guys I [ __ ] hated this scene hated it so much this is the scene we meet the love interest of the entire movie okay this guy is one of the main characters and he is the most mayonnaise Wonder Bread son of a [ __ ] I have ever seen in any movie just watch this scene and you'll understand why I hated this part so much okay before we get into that really quick I want to say if I look different for a little bit of the videos because I messed up some of the footage before it didn't record for some reason so I'm refilling this part and this is why I'm wearing a different outfit and I look different you know but this is a good thing because now I can wear my merch for part of the video like in the description okay let's let's watch this scene hi I'm Paul wood Gwyneth Hayden hey I wish that I had an excuse for you but honestly I'm just terrible with time management zhihui yeah is this seen my first semester in the 12th grade because there's no chemistry did you all know that I didn't have chemistry first semester in 12th grade right this is a joke that we all understand honestly though they're both like super uncomfortable entertainer that's interesting he's really adamant about her eating a cookie for some reason oh no I don't do cookies that's a double chin coming quicker than a freight train what a cookie and to be honest I thought this is what the filmmakers were going for I thought there was gonna be this huge montage of Gretchen going on a bunch of dates and with a bunch of losers until she finds mr. right but that's the issue when you have a company like ChristianMingle making a feature film you know they're their brand kind of gets in the way of a good story because obviously they want people to think that the first person you meet on Christian mingle is a 10 out of 10 he's your [ __ ] soul mate and you're gonna be with them forever but obviously that's not the case ever she then has another pointless meeting with bye-bye balls boner man has a Lizzie McGuire phone conversation with her unsupportive gal pals and then goes on yet another date with mr. mayonnaise and if you thought the first date was uncomfortable to watch holy [ __ ] wait until the second one so they film the scene of him trying to eat sushi and I'm just gonna let it play I'm not gonna edit it at all this is the unedited shot from the movie watch [Music] um you are going to actually have to swallow at some point mm-hmm what's coming no no goes oh did if I'm ever hungover and I need to puke immediately I'll watch that scene and it's an instant projectile vomit but other than that that scene is pointless that scene is only good for me when I'm hungover so I can throw up and feel better oh okay so you remember earlier when I said that I wanted a montage of Gretchen dating a bunch of loser guys we get an even better montage in the movie okay Bible study yep there's an entire montage devoted to her studying the Bible hi hi rocky training montage got some bad news buddy you've been dethroned the Bible study montage in the Christian mingle movie yeah that's the God now that is the god of montages now sorry better luck next rocky film bye this next scene is one of my favorites because this is when we meet Mayo's friends and obviously the weirdest [ __ ] people ever like look look at how they're standing looks like they're in a [ __ ] character select screen in Christian mingle the video game [ __ ] coming soon probably this is also when we meet Kel Kel she's a pretty important character in this film you'll learn later on you can kind of tell they kind of have like a sexual history here when she kind of insinuates that they banged before Bible Camp believe me it's nothing very strange to do when you're meeting the person's girlfriend but you know Coco's a savage dude this part I thought they were gonna start tying in the whole bald boner man part of the story because here are two guys with relatively thinner so I thought maybe she would get inspo from that and be like oh maybe I'll use God to like advertise to Christian bald men or something it would have been dumb as [ __ ] but at least it would have tied the a plot and the B plot together you know give me something Christian mingle you're killing me okay I'm dead Christian mingle I'm dead see in three days when I am resurrected I'm Jesus okay thanks for bearing with me while I looked different for a bit now back to my original outfit you know there's study in the Bible they got cookies which is the third time that they've shown cookies in this movie which is a weird observation to make I know but I'm still gonna make it okay because why cookies you know why not chips why not Pringles Christian Pringles okay next I want to talk about the dialogue really quick okay listen to this if mama had her way you and Kelly would be about three kids and two dogs deep by now The Barking kind and now this like it around here it's funky funky funky like who wrote this actually who wrote this Corbin Corbin Bernsen what were you thinking dude you're given Corbin's a bad name okay I like Corbin Bleu less now because of you I'm just kidding I can never happen love you Corbin Bleu to show you how easy it is to make a better joke than that I will rewrite this dialogue to make some better jokes here we go if mama had her way you and Kelly would be about three kids and two dogs deep by now no I'm allergic I could around here it's funky oh come on it doesn't smell that bad you know not the funniest jokes but they're okay they're pretty easy jokes to make but they're at least better than [ __ ] the barking kind or [ __ ] funky spunky now we've got Gretchen fully in it now she's going to church to impress this guy and this is my favorite line of the whole movie let's watch have you met our Kelly I know they said our Kelly but it sounds like our Kelly our Kelly and wouldn't that be [ __ ] amazing if she was just like have you met our Kelly I'm trapped in a closet after the done at church they go to a restaurant called steak and cake where they eat steak and cake for some reason and Gretchen just totally [ __ ] blow when she's saying grace people are starting to suspect something you know there's something fishy you know sometimes sometimes Jesus fishy and dude when Gretchen is fumbling and screwing around during grace yes amen in Jesus's name Amen Cal Cal [ __ ] swoops in with the 360 no-scope [ __ ] prayer ending okay so finally we are now 40 minutes into this movie and now we are getting some actual conflict have you told Gwyneth about our mission trip so Wonder Bread is going with his family on a mission trip to Mexico to fix some devastated village and he's leaving the next day and he didn't tell Gretchen that is shitty but they're acting like a month is like 10 years in I'm sorry you're going to Mexico for a month mm-hmm he's gonna be gone for a month a month that's like a million years and I need to get a husband time it's not like phones exist so we can keep in touch while you're going on a trip and doing something selfless no way dude so the next day she goes to work she's like I don't want anything to do with [ __ ] Wonder Bread he's pissed me off he's leaving I'm we're done when Wonder Bread calls her she answers he asked her to come to Mexico and she says yes why does she say yes I don't know stay home for a month read the Bible you have tons of time to study up and be a full-on Christian by then there you go and the movie it's fine so she guess in Mexico and this whole part is pretty much as filler until this one scene Gretchen is sitting in on this like Bible study session they're having and this poor innocent girl asks hey if God is real then why did he destroy our entire village and this is what happens Gwyneth hmm would you like to take a crack at it my mom is such an [ __ ] hey you took time off of work to come down Mexico to help us out and my son really likes you and you make him happy told his little girl white dog ruined his life she kind of messes up fumbles around it lets everybody know that she doesn't know the Bible off by heart hermanos Emile's consider insane Moyes chose quando techinque infant ons akan d vs. Priebus Cal Cal swoops in again with another 360 no-scope and just [ __ ] poems are again in it and everybody finds out that she's not a die-hard Christian and then once Mayo finds out he breaks up with her in Mexico I don't know dude doesn't seem very Christian you know are you supposed to like forgive and stuff or is that Catholic I don't know so Gretchen gets home she's heartbroken and she says that she doesn't want to sell these bald pills now you know she doesn't believe in it because she doesn't have any concrete evidence similar to I don't know God then after this believe it or not there is another Bible study montage this one's a little more pleasing to watch is a little more fun but the fact that Christian mingle had the balls to put not one but two Bible study montages in the same movie [ __ ] Savage dude so time passes she really starts to accept God and Christ into her life and she ultimately reconnects with mayonnaise so they talked for a bit we find out that he's with Kel Kel now that doesn't stop Gretchen from shooting her shot she's like hey I still love you I want to be with you and stuff and he shuts her down again dude after that she's a complete mess she has this like weird beef going on with God for a bit leave me alone really you're so obvious and that goes on until she finally realizes what she needs to do to fix all of this and that is go back to Mexico and teach kids how to speak English yeah that's the conclusion because you know obviously that's the next natural progression in what you would do you know that moment when you're boring crush turns you down so you move you know we've all been there guys now get ready for the ending okay we're almost there so this is like a year later she's been down in Mexico teaching kids and stuff and out of nowhere old [ __ ] Wonder Bread comes strolling in to get her back picture this you're turned down by the same guy twice for not being Christian enough and then a year later when his other fling with Cal Cal doesn't work out he comes crawling back I knew it was you all the time it should have been you all along oh dude I can't believe you're a Christian now we are now the same level of Christianity now we can have a family like [ __ ] you take a hike take the longest hike okay but guess what she [ __ ] takes him back no questions asked they kiss and that's the end of the movie yeah you should just be Christian single you be way better off so that's it there's Christian mingle the movie I'm not even sure what the message was you know you won't truly be happy until you find someone that has the equal amount of Christianity within them or does it mean lying about who you are is fine if it ultimately means you'll move to Mexico and teach English to kids I don't know I don't know what they were going for all this weird [ __ ] aside the one thing that infuriates me the most about this entire movie is the fact that a company ChristianMingle is making a full-length film to sell their product there's so many things wrong with that like imagine imagine if Citizen Kane was sponsored by some [ __ ] sled company you know or if or if Titanic was just called Royal Caribbean you know it's not the same you know when you're a brand making a movie your main priority isn't to tell a good story it's not to develop characters or to make the audience feel something it's to sell a product and I don't know dude it doesn't seem very Christian to me you know seems like dirty and sleazy I think you know people watch movies to escape from their lives for an hour or two you know and if you're gonna take those two hours that someone has set aside for their escapism and try to sell your product and shove your religious beliefs down their throat that ain't it chief soon we're gonna have [ __ ] farmers only the movie like okay actually but I'd actually really want that okay farmers only please make a farmer's only movie if I can watch it every day in my life yeah let's look at the budget of this movie really quick okay six hundred and fifty thousand dollars to make this movie okay the six hundred and fifty thousand dollars at ChristianMingle used to make this movie could have been used to repair an actual devastated village somewhere in the world you know think about that ChristianMingle you can have that on your conscience now oh all right guys that's gonna do it for this video thank you very much if you stuck around this long let me know what you thought about this video if you want me to make more videos like this in the future I had a good time making this and scripting this and I enjoy making longer videos so if you guys want to see longer videos like this let me know in the comments and press the like button if you did enjoy this it means the world one like equals one prayer so you know we got to pray you know cuz we're all good Christians every here boy yeah also don't forget to press the subscribe button because I make a video every week and you also get an extra greeting at the beginning of every video you know so press subscribe button and join Curtis town today alright other than that check the description down there for my weekly podcast my patreon for my podcast where you can get early access to episodes and a bonus and a bonus not boneless and a bonus monthly video episode my links to my Twitter and Instagram are down there and also my merch dude so check out the merch grab some if you want to be a valued member of Curtis town okay now if you'd all join me in a short prayer let's go three kids and she met RJ I could around here it's funky funky funky oh thank you so much all right I'll see you guys next week peace out what's up my churchgoers thank you so much for watching this video if you want to see more from me click on the screen and don't forget to subscribe button alright see you soon bye

Channel: Kurtis Conner

Views: 3,931,023

Rating: 4.9661007 out of 5

Keywords: kurtis conner, kurtis, conner, christian mingle, christianmingle, christian mingle movie, movie review, bad movie, bad acting, movie cringe, bad movie cringe, commentary, bad movie reaction, gretchen wieners, christian, mingle, romantic comedy, the movie, dating site

Id: WWEr7kklp8U

Length: 23min 9sec (1389 seconds)

Published: Fri Dec 28 2018