Accents Make You Hotter. Daniel Spencer - Full Special

they're like why is he so well fed uh it is a special night for me ladies and gentlemen i am officially filming my first comedy it's a bit wild and it happens to be on the same day that i hit a million on tick tock which is crazy um for those of you old folks who don't know what tik tok is it's basically how us millennials and gen z's get attention uh one thing that you will recognize about me throughout my set ladies and gentlemen is uh i'm like i'm like low-key handsome [Music] not like a lot but like enough right like i look like i get by and i think the main reason that i'm like low-key handsome is just because i have a sexy accent right helps me out a lot yes yeah takes my sexiness up by about 10 which comes out to a total of 10 sexy the other 90 is just like humor personality other things people don't care about my accent comes from a very exotic place my accent is from harare zimbabwe yes that's in africa for those of you that don't know and i know i know what goes through people's minds when i say i'm from africa and i look like this they're like why is he so well fed it's a new diet i've been trying out called the american dream another question you might have for an african is uh where is your loin cloth um that is formal wear we only wear that when we're feeling really fancy and of course the most common question i get is if you're from africa then why are you white and these are all very valid questions and they have one simple answer um you are ignorant there's actually some food clothes and white people in africa as shocking as that may seem but i understand the doubt i understand where that doubt comes from right sometimes i look in the mirror as a fat white african in the morning and i'm like you shouldn't be a thing right because it's k it's kind of like i'm like bigfoot right like yeah there's enough evidence to back my existence but like deep down you just feel stupid for believing it it's been weird ladies and gentlemen i i moved straight from zimbabwe and came over to america but the weird thing about that was that i didn't go anywhere like cool in america i didn't go to like new york or l.a no i went straight from zimbabwe to utah the whitest place on earth more specifically i came here for school at byu the whitest college in the whitest place on earth and that put me in some weird situations for the most part in general actually i was the token african guy in most social settings yeah which i feel like speaks volumes for diversity here at byu maybe that should be like byu's new slogan like brigham young university even the africans are white it's been interesting living out here obviously but i feel like i've been struggling with dating ladies and gentlemen which wasn't a problem but i think there's multiple reasons for that right one of the main reasons is that i'm a big nerd right i have all these weird thoughts that go through my head you know like for instance like growing up a lot of people in my hometown were very superstitious right like who here grew up with like friends or family members that thought like pokemon harry potter and hannah montana were satanic yeah yeah a few family members for you guys my whole community believed that in zimbabwe right so i ended up becoming like a potter pusher right other kids were smuggling drugs and alcohol into their bedrooms i was smuggling the prisoner of azkaban [Music] my bedroom became effectually known as the chamber of secrets it was it was a weird time for me and this is the thing i have all these weird concepts going through my mind one of them being that as i watch like stuff like harry potter all i can think of is wow jk rowling really hates fat people you guys don't believe me but let's look at the evidence real quick right all of the bad guys in jk rowling's books and movies are mostly fat crab and goyle the dursleys professor umbridge right think about the paintings and ghosts all the thin ghosts get epic names like nearly headless nick the fat ones are the fat lady [Music] and the fat fryer she was like i'm just not gonna give them a name there's only two good fat characters the first is hagrid a guy who lives in a shack off campus which as a college student i can relate to and then that one kid that knew what the grim was when they were doing tea leaf readings which is food magic way to stereotype jk rowling that's the thing i'm a big nerd and so i can acknowledge the fact that you know like i am a nerd and i think that affects me because like i feel like nerd culture discriminates against its own people right because its own people are fat white guys like i look like i've just been sitting around for a while haven't i yeah and that's the thing like dating is so hard out here mainly just because i'm fat and that's just because of the way the people treat fat people like for one example uh most of my skinny friends only like to set me up with their other fat friends yeah the fat people giggled the skinny people were like oh crap he figured it out who told him that we know okay we understand that you guys are doing this but we don't understand why and i wouldn't take offense to this honestly i don't mind dating fat people i love fat people what i don't like is when they're setting us up these skinnies they're setting us up they never use adjectives that you know you'd usually associate with like you know a human being right it's never like they're beautiful they're intelligent they're amazing no what it's usually like is they'll say something along the lines of i know they're a little bit bigger but and then insert some ridiculous information they think will relate to us right like in my case it's usually like i know they're a little bit bigger but like they uh they use soap wow internal companion right there with me being from africa in their case it's probably more along the lines of like i know he's a little bit bigger but like if you pay for the meal you're technically feeding an african child and that's a tax write-off too benefits of dating me and i just don't understand the logic ladies and gentlemen i don't understand the logic of putting two people together because they have the same body type like you don't see me going up to skinny people and being like hello i recognize that you are particularly scrawny yeah yeah do you see that scrawny individual over there your soul mates now [Laughter] also they use it soap work i don't understand like why like what do you get out of it do you just need like a cute fat couple to watch in between seasons of this is us or is it more of like a survivorless like coronavirus thing where you're like if we breed them now and disaster hits food storage as far as the eye can see i think we're underappreciated as fat people i do believe that fair people are underappreciated because if you look at us throughout history we've been there for you guys all the time you skinnies right think about it right nothing's more motivational than a fat person right people are like oh i like to watch like fitness models and arnold schwarzenegger's on my wall right no no no no for i know for a fact that you are looking at fat people and you're like at least i'm not them you're watching me on stage right now and you're like at least i'm not him right and that's what i don't understand is because we are exactly what you need in this world think about us as like every single stereotype in every movie every fat friend is always the wing man we're always setting you up because that's true in real life we are the best wingmen right think about like fairy godmother and cinderella she was the dopest wingman ever right cinderella was a skinny white girl cleaning floors a fat girl comes into her life and makes her a queen that's fat girl magic baby [Applause] i do like the fairy godmother mainly just because you like cast these spells right like she she changed a dog into a human changed rats into horses changed a pumpkin into a carriage which is food magic the only good food magic out there and i just feel kind of sorry for you guys i feel sorry for all of the skinnies out there because you guys aren't willing to go outside of your boundaries right right because if you were you'd understand one simple fact fat people are better at making out than you are you guys don't believe me but let's look at the facts the fact is anything with a higher fat content tastes better that's right all the butter baby all the butter we're also really well practiced yeah just ask any of the 23 pieces of chicken i've eaten in the last week they'll tell you right we know what we're doing with our lips like my body may not be well exercised but you can bet my lips are so date and kiss fat people right single people how many single people we got in their room tonight single people couple of you guys go out and date a fatty right now if you're married get real fat just get real fat cause if there's one promise i can make you tonight ladies and gentlemen it's this once you taste a fatty snack ooh baby there's no going back [Applause] been out here for five years and i love america let's get a round of applause for america love america so much there's multiple reasons why i love america the main reason is fast food as you can tell love fast food because you have to understand from an african perspective in zimbabwe when we're usually talking about fast food it's usually in reference to how fast food runs away from us yeah and i don't know if you can tell but i'm definitely more of a gatherer than a hunter so it works out well for me there's many things that i like out here but there's a few things that i don't like like one thing i don't understand is winter because again you have to understand from an african perspective literally the sky is falling on you guys right killing things and you guys are like let's play in it doesn't make sense another thing i don't like is peeps who here likes peeps cool so we know who's going to die from diabetes then yes get your affairs in order i actually learned not to like people before i even came to america which was like a weird thing right because you see we i was working in charities growing up all throughout my life and the one time we got this excess shipment right and was weird because the first thing that came out was a used barrel of underwear that was weird because we saw the skidmarks and we were like what is going on in america like this is what they're sending but then what followed we were we saw all this candy like what is this saltwater taffy peeps they're clearly saving the best candy for the african kids all right so we took it immediately we packed up our trucks full of the candy we go out to the villages right and you have to understand when we go out to villages like we're all like vibing right like africans like we're like hey you know we dance we break it down everyone's like calling me santa claus and they're like it's mainly just because he's fat and white yes yeah right and so uh we're dancing we're dancing and i was in a group full of children right there was this four-year-old boy in particular though he's breaking it down he's like this is america you know breaking it down and i was like okay clearly this kid deserves the first bag of peeps right so i hand him the bag he rips it open he shoves his arm in he puts it in his mouth and what was absolute happiness and joy immediately turned to sheer horror and dread on his face and he spat it out i don't know about you ladies and gentlemen but how bad does a candy have to be that a starving african child is literally like no i'm good i don't need that in my life yeah take some of that chocolate underwear though yeah that looks good [Laughter] funny funny funny as i said i've been out here for a while i've been out here five years it's been super fun i've had a lot of really cool things happen in those five years uh one of those things is i came out as gay in november of last year which is great it's 20 25 when i did it which was crazy right because you never think about that but the weird thing about that is you start getting like weird questions from people like one of the main questions i got was like like why did it take you so long to be gay um which is a good question to ask a gay guy i guess and you know there's multiple like excuses i could give like oh fear doubt you know stuff like that but if i'm honest like i think it's just because i'm like super lazy all right like i don't like working for things right i have a 2.6 gpa you're not dealing with a genius here right and uh it was super funny because like i don't think you understand the expectations that come with being gay because when you're gay you have to do so much more you have to dress better you have to exercise more you have to give straight women dating advice [Music] and you've done that last one you know how hard that is straight girls love crying also why are they coming to me a gay guy at byu for dating advice like i don't know what advice to give you like don't [Music] it's fun another question that i always get is uh well like daniel like what was it like coming out like what was the reaction to you coming out and the honest truth is it was like so loving and supportive and i hated it you were supposed to reject me but no you guys had to love me more no that's not gonna make a good memoir you think netflix is gonna buy the rights to the story of a gay boy who was loved and accepted by his community no at best that's the premise for a christmas hallmark movie the only thing missing in that situation is like i don't know a family-owned bakery going out of business and a horse that doesn't like me now it's different and now this is the funny thing as i've like you know come out as gay and i've been like reflecting on my life previous i feel like i've been observing all the weird stuff i used to do right because i did date girls for the longest time right i tried to impress girls try to impress women uh one memory that sticks out very fondly is uh we do weird stuff when we're trying to fall in love right because we love is already like a weird thing for us right love is like this weird back and forth of passion where you're just like oh i just want to love you it's like this weird dump you need to take [Laughter] cause love is crap used to do weird stuff to try and impress girls i was like this will get them right one thing was uh when i was seven years old my sisters used to have their friends come over my idea of impressing these women was flinging a door open screaming at the top of my lungs then shutting the door abruptly behind me and thinking smugly to myself now they've had a real taste of daniel cause i'm irresistible baby right or maybe that was like me like prepping them beforehand i was like if i show them how high and shrill my voice is now then imagine how impressed they'll be when my voice drops the only problem is ladies and gentlemen that i'm 26 and i'm pretty sure i haven't finished puberty yet yeah you see my natural voice can go entire i've decided that i'll rehearse you say i sound more like a lady instead of a member who will sound like a man and certainly wishes iran because i still sound like a lady when i speak because they sound like margaret [Music] thatcher it's bad then i became a teenager and if you thought i was awkward with a loving childhood it's about to get a whole lot worse right because as i said before i would do weird stuff but eventually i got very nervous around girls right i get very nervous when they used to speak to me when i got nervous i would sweat but this wasn't that regular sweat yeah this was that teenage pubescent sweat the type of sweat where your body literally just plays a game of twister with you right it's like i guess you're sweating from your calves now yay good for you good for you also i was 300 pounds so while you guys were like regularly sweating i was the water source for the river nile that's a geography joke for people that play geography games on the weekends because they don't have dates to go on or in other words married people [Laughter] no hate married people i just wish like i had like regularly sweated right because like regular people would sweat from like their forehead or their armpits right i would have killed for armpit sweat you guys want to know where i did sweat from underneath my breasts all the people laughing at that are fat guys and ladies they're the only ones that get that joke because you lean forward a little too much and then you stand up and you've developed crescent moon shapes underneath and you just have to act like they're normal it's the worst so i just didn't talk to girls because my boobs wouldn't stop sweating i stopped talking to them right and then it came time for the senior dance and i was like crap i don't know any girls because my boobs won't stop sweating so i asked my popular cousin i was like hey can you help me my sweaty boobs out and i was like he can he was like yeah i can help you and your sweaty boobs out and so uh he set me up on a blind date yeah enter amy for convenience purposes we're going to call her amy because that's her real name and i want you to hate her just as much as i do i sacrificed a lot for amy that night one thing in particular as a gay guy i was like i really need to make sure she likes me i want to be the best version of me i can be 300 pounds remember that so i went to my sister i was like britney what can i do to be a little thinner she was like i have these things called spanx all the ladies are laughing and all the dudes are like what the crappers thanks uh to describe them just imagine someone's duct taping your body really tightly but that duct tape is on fire and that duct tape is trying to suffocate you those are spanx also i realized that night you can't pee in spanx yeah you think you can go to the bathroom no you end up in a stall jumping up and down bouncing around like a fool no no i now know why ladies go to the bathroom together it's not because they want to be around each other it's because it takes a full team of people to get one person into a pair of spanx [Laughter] sacrifice for amy that night i sacrificed for her all right so i go to this this pre-drinks party i meet amy there right she says hello i say hello and she just disappears so trying to be a good date i'm like i need to find her all right so me and my sweaty boobs go on our research party and i'm like yeah let's go find amy we find out she's in the bathroom so i go up to the bathroom door as i'm approaching i start to hear like crying that's not how she actually cries that's just how i want to remember it amy is an ugly crier as i got closer to the door i heard the words clear as day ladies and gentlemen we're as clear as day he's just so fat at this point i realized i'm a boss i'm gay i don't need her so i decided to put out a little bit of my childhood charm yeah i flung that door open and i screamed at the top of my lungs then i shut the door behind me cause i'm daniel and i'm irresistible baby thank you ladies and gentlemen man robs wendy's with alligator for the alligator boys now and the fighter they sent them to the bank should be going mom mom you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 113,255

Rating: 4.4320464 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Daniel Spencer, Daniel Spencer Dry Bar Comedy, Daniel Spencer Comedy, Daniel Spencer Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2021, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full show, Danbanbam, tiktok, tiktok comedy, funny tiktoks, zimbabwe, accent, funny, african, dbc

Id: f3O2otsNFwI

Length: 22min 43sec (1363 seconds)

Published: Sat Apr 10 2021