The Perks of Staying at a One Star Hotel. Nick Cobb - Full Special

anybody hear of a book a hotel so low-budget the visa calls to see if you've been kidnapped any other broke people here and he broke people here yeah the cheap seats up at the top I got oh my god by the way this is the earliest wait show I've ever done in my whole life I've never done a Nerva usually they're like 11:30 in here you're it's like right after dinners you know tomorrow is early show is during breakfast no late shows at 1:00 p.m. you know we like to get out yeah I broke anybody else here have less money than when they were 11 anyone else you ever get your credit card declined at a parking meter has that happened anyone here you call up Amex like I need to increase my spending limit by a buck 50 right now we don't think you can pay it back what's happened to me though that you ever go to the ATM look at your balance and it's so low that you just start laughing out loud like the other day I was just like I don't know what I'm gonna do I actually turned to the guy behind me I was like hey bud do you want my pin number it doesn't make any difference either way you can't even get that money out it's like a slot machine like I've never done that joke and turned around and seen like this like demented green house behind me never in my life beautiful mr. McGregor's going to come out with one of these things any moment and they have the curtain and do you think if I move this the whole way that the banner from chuck-e-cheese will come out and stop right there actually headlining the show guys hey you guys anybody here of a book a hotel solo budget the visa calls to see if you've been kidnapped I just booked a hotel online I wasn't even done with the reservation and visa call they're like mr. cops say yes if you're safe it was a super8 I was booking a super late or separating like for it and I like super 8 I like they're everywhere I like it cuz they're everywhere and yes they don't have a commercial you'll never see a commercial person they don't they can't even afford a slogan they do not have a slogan they can't afford it like Motel 6's we're gonna beat them I know for you if super8 hasn't slowed gonna be hey you may have to poop in the dark it is pitch black in there you can bring an iPhone but I don't think we have any electricity or anything what I'm trying to say is you never want to stay in hotel where they're surprised that you came there you never want to stay in that hotel you could go to a super8 with a reservation and they like oh you're actually here we weren't expecting anybody I hope you brought your own towel follow even stay low never go to a hotel and they give you a room number that's a single digit and you just feel weird about the whole thing like most of tells they're like oh you're in 18 2000 meters down the hall yeah all right super eights like okay you're in two with days he's been waiting a long time so if you could just hurry it along I really appreciate it show confidence night I've only been here but for six hours people were like oh it's really net people are really nice and they it really oh my god prove how nice you are and then the guy at I'm go rent a car give me a hug so you know you check me I gotta get up for bid angel no this is amazing I thank you financial it's kind of an amazing website with the filters it's now I can watch Saving Private Ryan in like four minutes alright just saves all kinds of time like I don't like violence so it's just opening credits Tom Hanks monologue closing credits okay babe we'll watch a risky business in here but it's not that risky and it's more of a hobby than business but it's fast it feels like a preview but you know so is it people were already like a you family for any we're gonna have to fill three yells they gotta like I have a family that I'm nice to we talk a lot but I'm also nice with strangers so I don't know if that's like an issue is it have to be both at the same time but I heard that I read this thing pretty my name is Mormon it's like yeah we have a family night way we play games I'm like will we I mean I you know my family played we did you guys ever play Pictionary did you ever play that game if you didn't it's a game where you try to draw with a golf pencil like you have a hoof and and well everybody screams at you until you almost go into cardiac arrest it's a really fun game but I'd love to put in my dad because he was the guy who would draw he couldn't really draw but he felt like if he pointed enough at what he had drawn then everybody should know exactly what he drew as if da Vinci was ever had to be like oh it's a girl it's a woman my dad would draw for like three seconds he drove two circles and something looked like hashbrowns throw away the pencil for the rest of time he's like again why don't you draw something else too you just look hard I know he's a bacon no look just book harder time's up it's Chuck Norris but could you not see that was avoiding and waving has about energy keep it going for Travis by the way MC did a great job dress one thing that he didn't do because he didn't make you clap a lot you don't like sometimes you go to a comedy show and the MCS just like clap for the waitstaff in the drinks in the chairs and the fact that you came out to her and you're like oh I'm so tired I did this show like two weeks ago and I was about to come up on stage and the MCS like give it up for Nick Cobb and they're like hey and he's like don't come up here yet people I need double the energy give it up for Nick cows oh yay don't come up here triple that energy yay don't come up here ten times that energy and there was a guy's about fifty years old sitting right there and when the MC goes ten times that energy that guy goes [Applause] like how am I supposed to follow that like Justin Timberlake jumped in I moved out here from New York I moved to LA from New York I think I was the only person who moved from New York to LA into a smaller apartment but I was in before my place at New York pretty small my place in LA is maybe 200 feet I don't think it's square feet I know I think it's just 200 feet I think I've been living in some guys hallway for the past four years and he's just been really polite about it I may live in a panic room I know you've really been that small but apartment with the roommate my my wife and I when we get in an argument we're so close it feels like we're fighting inside of an Ikea display because I get a normal apartment or a house you can like slam a door if you're angry kick over a chair you know pre-emphasis we don't have any furniture and we have one door and you don't want to just leave so the other day were having an argument I was like you did what but then all I could do to punctuate it was just kneel down and just to play our air mattress I was like I'm leaving this is gonna take me about 30 minutes if you can just pull from that end I'm really really mad I'm gonna take the pump with me you're not gonna believe this is absolutely true my shower is in my kitchen that's how they laid out the apartment it's stove a shower there's no counter space in between it it's just stoves our it's really dangerous it's all kinds of fire hazards but I was looking at the apartment I would ask the landlord about it's like this is this excuse he's like well it's a pre-war apartment its pre-war before building codes and laws and rules back when people could do what they wanted I'm like all right but that's what they wanted to do you could do anything creatively and you put a shower and it's the touch of the stove that's a weird generation that greatest generation it's like your grandfather stormed the beach at Normandy was a brave man he also had to poop in the up and he was strange guy it's real hot bird delicious my college just hit me up for a donation does that happen to anybody here yeah I think it was the wrong number they call me and they're like because they call him they realized who it was and they just did a 180 they're like oh you're a Nick cop do you have like $6 but I don't understand why do colleges get to ask us for money we should be able to ask colleges for money they're the ones who didn't do their job I should be able to call up Indiana University and be like dude the diploma you sold me is broken my roommate still works so if I could just get 30 grand back that'd be fantastic my dad called me the other day he's like you doesn't know what I'm doing it's okay man if stand-up didn't work out for you you're gonna go into acting I'm like I don't think that's how backup plans work your plan B isn't generally more difficult to accomplish than your dream there's nobody out there right now I'm an if I can't get this dog-walking thing to work out I guess I'll just go back and be an astronaut again hey her to complete for the Lakers next year yeah I may have to if and Express doesn't call me back I have a thousand of those where are you going to school where if I can't get into DeVry I'll just go to Cambridge [Laughter] Mike I didn't think that our generation was that lazy until my best friend called me is I guess what I did this weekend I knocked out three seasons of cheers but you didn't build a deck no you sat for 30 hours 15 years ago you would have called that clinical depression but we are generation brags about how much TV we watch it's really I'm surprised but I'm clicking on resumes like hey I see you knocked up Game of Thrones and three days your team player you're disciplined you're enthusiastic what's up with this two-day gap between jobs I took some time off to watch The West Wing well you got to put that down there speaking of I forget anybody here in therapy let's talk about it real close I know it's recorded but you know anybody here need therapy you just cannot afford it at all it's like 400 hours an hour I've found a way to get in for free works fantastic won't cost you a dollar free therapy here it is start setting up job interviews every two or three weeks because they ask about you [Laughter] you won't get the job but you will get that stuff off your chest okay when in-game I'll resume that so Nick how much yourself oh my god I'm so messed up man I appreciate you asking like what are your weaknesses how much time do you have in this thing like what are you gonna bring to our team certainly not confidence my my best friend just sent me over his resume is like hey can you look at you ever looked at your best friend's resume I've been like I think you maybe should go back to school most people's resumes pretty standard your name you know email phone number education my best friend of 20 years put just his first name then an apostrophe s and the word resume it's literally Jared's resume and then a picture of himself answering the phone that can help me get a job as I gotta send over your best macaroni necklace when the cover letter that starts with what's up my dad's birthday was a couple months ago he's gonna come on busy lives in Tennessee you guys ever been in a position you couldn't afford a present for your own dad and you're over like 38 and you're contemplating making him a gift like your handprints on a sheet of paper cheerio necklace so Mike I don't know what style forget that I'm gonna nip this in the bud so I'll call my dad is like dad I'm gonna level with you I don't know what you want to rebirth it this year but I thought you just take 60 bucks out of what you normally give me every month just take mom to laser tag you know horn mate I've got I've got a little girl got an 18 month old girl one week before she was born maybe this maybe this is happening people in this room I know one week before she was born we lost our insurance absolutely true we lost our insurance it was expensive and but whatever is fine and now my wife and I still don't have insurance but our daughters insurer just by the state of California she's think 101 of the whole family is insurance 18 month old girl so what we've been doing is we're taking her to the pediatrician but then trying to double-dip and weave in some questions about ourselves and it kind of works the bikes you grew three inches and gained a couple pounds I'm like that's great but she gets an acid reflux after like four beers so could you just give us the percocet please she has lower back pain I love my wife she looked at the doctor with a straight face and she's like my daughter's bloated and once the know she can still fit into a size six she's a baby she's a baby with a wedding and a go to next weekend but she's already took my way started talking about having another kid like she's we're gonna have one kid just have another kid I can't I know the polite people say this but I just can't handle another pregnancy I can't handle the boot swings I know women in here like you can't handle the mood swings huh no I can't handle the mood swing I can't handle one month in been pregnant not that pregnant my wife comes up to me she kisses me and then ii laters like no I realize don't want it sue she said that that really happened we would bring kissing to just eating soup on the floor because I'd already deflated the air mattress how could you confuse I kiss how could no guy years have been kissing his wife and I know I just want to go work in the car how I got those two confused mood swings too they're they're crazy like five months in me and pregnant I yelled at me once for reading I was reading in the corner I was hiding in our apartment and just for no reason she just goes you're so irritating right now like how just like I can hear your eyes left to right we get it you can read but can you do it quietly is the real question yeah we have it we don't even know she's 18 months we're still not really sleeping not really because somebody gave us a video baby monitor where you can clip a camera onto the side of the crib and you can watch from a monitor in the other room which sounds good but my daughter just stares straight into the camera the whole night and breeds like she's some kind of demon seed from the Sidious for paranormal activity like hey how's she doing it she's there so then you're not scared that she's not gonna sleep you're scared she's gonna kill you and you'll just never be able to sleep again this right work forget that so we switched it up and we put the camera on us and we gave the baby the monitor and we just stare at it and ask when she's gonna start paying some rent I don't know I don't know she's but we get more sleep than we used to I mean they're really everybody no parents no they're like one when you when your kid first month you really just don't get it one at 1:00 hours if you get nothing no sleep first one and you can't even go out in public because you're so tired that you just start saying random stuff out loud because you're such a sound but you don't have a social filter anymore I was in an elevator packed elevator him for no reason out loud I just go I've got to go to TJ Maxx I just said that out loud and I didn't have to go but I went because I was humiliated and I'd already put it out in the universe but you really shouldn't go to TJ Maxx when you're that tired because you go and you just go into like a 5-hour trance you should really have an egg timer on you because you go in to get a baby toy you're not getting like a kayak and a dog my wife's like did you get diapers no but I got this boat and a basset hound so it all worked out I guess yes so what would trump an office-wide about a month we got jumping office about a month I'm not political I'm actually I'm not a negative person I can't get oh I can't any time an election any time in an election when somebody wins the election all they've done the whole came an old campaign is just talk bad about their opponent like just no ideas no solutions just trash their opponent and they get the job it's amazing it makes me want to go on a job interview and do nothing for the hour but just talk bad about everyone waiting to interview for that job in the lobby because apparently it works really well divided why should you hire why should we hire you why should you hire that out there that's the real question brown jacket and black shoes are you kidding me does he look like he has a plan I love to hear his plan love to hear it he can't make coffee like I can make coffee who all's married here anybody married how many buddy if you raise it your I Rosa yeah how long you been married almost 20 years it's a long time I've been married for so I want to see where it's going so let me ask you a question by the way let me say this real quick I was just in San Diego and this kid came up to me after a show he's a kid he's like 21 22 is that hipster he's wearing like a kite you know the time he's like hey man how long you been married her was in four years I promise he said this he goes Wow four years what's the secret the secret of a four-year marriage usually yes so people been married 50 years not more time I dare say like we like bagels we really she got me to start flossing it's just old you ask a woman who turned like 110 what the secret is not some dude who's like 28 like are you due to you gluten-free how did you ask almost three decades but anyway Mansu question what's your name let me ask you a question Greg after 20 years of love and commitment do you still overhear your wife which is talking on the phone with her friends do an impression of you that makes you sound like some kind of illiterate caveman I just wanted after 20 years she's still yeah we were gonna go up and then Greg was so cool no sign take that as a yes I feel like it could be a 90 year marriage and they still think we talk like that yeah we're gonna go outside for lunch but then he was like I can't find any tennis balls for my Walker I'm like is that really really how your husband talks where'd you guys get married is that a local place yeah so local yeah I like it I like when people getting married marriage well anybody else you're tired of people getting married and making you fly halfway around the world as if they're like two my braces started get married in Brazil they're from Tennessee they're not Brazilian I'm like I'm sure Brazil's beautiful why do you want to spend 4 grand and all my vacation days just to watch the end of our friendship I don't know why I have to do that we could all stipend if you have to find another country to see friend get married I feel like you should be able to give them a wedding present to get some stopped at customs buy for like four days hey thanks for bringing us me out to China great wedding here's an endangered pan that we found holding a tusk and they wanted presents I don't even understand what people getting married loco get presents I don't understand wedding gift ready it's like the happiest day your life you've never been happier you're marrying the love of your life you don't need presents you know needs presents people getting divorced they're the ones who need a gift registry I'm not divorced but I feel like that's fair like a good guy gets kicked out of his house you know maybe sleeping those moms autumn and you don't think you like a George Foreman or a lamp or something there's the sweatpants you don't think you'd appreciate that you don't think it'd be easier to get dumped if you knew a present was right around the corner friends like ya she kicked me out yeah but I'm registered at our gate and [Laughter] SkyMall magazine I love sky moment love it 11 sky my last 20 years they sold stairs for dogs on planes like that's American success story only in America and I supported them because I'm weird with turbulence and when his own a plane there was turbulence at 5 something from SkyMall cuz I figured if I don't make it my wife will still get a gag gift in like three months like she's sad but then UPS guy comes full-size gardening Eddie she's not so sad anymore especially no no no my yard but you got to put it in your shower that's a right next to the kitchen that's the only space you have but we don't even give each other presents we really don't Valentine's Day my wife gave me I guess what you'd call like a love coupon or like a couple coupon franck a massage or something and it wasn't one of those that you can just like cash into any one that you see on the street it was just for her I would recommend if anybody you ever get to one of those trying to cash it in right then and watch the expression on their face because they don't appreciate it goodbye Merry Christmas in your life and I'll take this right now but no you can't do that I just gave that to you and you're like I want to talk to the manager I've spent a lot of money here this should be redeemed cuz what are you gonna cash in it I'm not then six months later she's gonna laugh what you did you think that was a real bracelet that's construction paper and grab the only way to be a good gift and this go from bad to great is if it's stipulated somewhere in the rules you can cash it in anytime you want if you come home at midnight she's like you're six hours late dinners frozen what are we gonna do now well it's this year all right you're gonna give me a one-hour massage there are no blackout dates in the back of this you keep yelling but you better start robbing did you go did you propose on one Nate just get out one day when you were boys you didn't I try to Greg but my apartment was so small I physically couldn't do it I literally was like I love you and then I sat on the stove so was it romantic really but I'll say this any any walk of life who I don't know I don't care who you are every time in your lives you're on one knee you are in a great situation but every time you're in both you're in a bad situation one proposing your girlfriend great - begging your wife not great one getting knighted awesome - getting beheaded not right one listening to an inspirational halftime speech by your favorite football coach - I can't tell that in provo can tell it that would be major filter time let's just pretend saya what I love being married I kind of miss being single in a way just cuz it's just such a simple life single people won't say that but they don't know what they're talking about it's really like my life when I went camping for three days that took a month to pack for that's married packing single guys have no clue what I'm talking about a single guys pack for every trip they've ever gone on like they just found out it man is after them they packed lightning but they've got like Indiana Jones it's just oh I'm going to a wedding alright Revolver khakis they're good and a half the time when single people are packing maybe women - they pack it like 4:00 in the morning and haven't they have no memory of what they packed it's like the hotel welcome basket they're like oh what I bring with me Oh a super soaker I brought a huge water gun and a burrito that's what I've got friends like a we're gonna go out to eat someplace nice what are you gonna wear it's like I guess the fitted sheets all right a snorkel that's all I thought to bring I'm a size 14 guys I'm six foot four set i/o you ever you what do you ever go shoe shopping they don't believe your size that always kills me when like what size you up in at nine four years you know what shut up can you put your bare foot into this medieval raccoon trap for me you wanna die I'm kind of tired of teenagers right now no offense if they're any in the room they're just so loud I feel like everywhere I live the teenagers are so loud I was back in New York in a subway sitting car smoking brew teenagers I guess they've just seen a superhero movie cuz out loud they were having that typical post superhero movie conversationally hey what kind of superpowers would if I could eat super I know what kind of super oh I don't know what kind of super oh it's one of girls screams I want to be invisible now I'm not usually confrontational but I leaned over and I was like hey invisibility wouldn't really work if you couldn't shut they still find you where's the invisible teenager all of the fluting iphone we got her now when I first moved out to LA I booked a commercial on the Super Bowl and it's actually doesn't pay that much and it you have to watch yourself in hi-def which is the worst part and I'm doing this because I have this piece of skin here that I've never noticed in my life until I was watching it during halftime of the Super Bowl and it looked like I was trying to smuggle a croissant it looked like I was on my way to feed birds that's what it would need to get back into complements that's what happened we were to Super Bowl boarding my wife liked that the commercial just a little bit too loud my wife's like hey you look pretty good I couldn't see your manboobs that was her compliment you ever get one of those hey I love your style you just don't care what anybody thinks do you I like it so my mom just got on Facebook guys pretty excited about it you guys any you have a mom or a dad that got on Facebook and started writing on your wall but seems to think that nobody else can read what they've written my own laws like a good show let's go go out my mom wrote hey did you get that $200 I sent you because you need new pants and then my brother commented are you really still getting money from mom my mom liked his comment and I blocked him like well I don't need negativity in my life not anymore I spend all day on the computer I hate they can be anybody else you're spending two to three hours a day just resetting your passwords online not even setting them resetting them I love the websites where they demand you change the password but then they just judge the new one that you're putting in and sure if they don't even let you finish the password before just telling you how terrible they think it is like iTunes will be like you got to change your password yep okay you type in a week that's wait what were you thinking with that password like did you think that was my entire password that's the kind of hotshot I think I am I destroy around with an A it's my password go ahead hackers try to get in my Johnson happy episode it's good luck oh you got it okay all right how can I expect you to put together a good password if they just hacked going you just a man yeah they like to be like an Olympic high diver and you just started to climb up the ladder go up from the third rung of 40 and one of the judges stanza they might get all better than this that's like a - maybe I was terrible being single I'm just I just never know what to say I got dumped one time and I didn't know it I just started quoting movies she was like I feel trapped I was like nobody sticks baby in a corner I want to see other people I see dead people I didn't even have to write rhythm I just said it out loud I love it when you get that get that laughing or rejection when you're single you would ask girl out and she just went up to a girl's like hey you want to dance she's like and then she turned to her friends when I was still just there she's like hang on a second did you hear what he just said right there yeah right he came right up to me so of course we weren't in the Little Shop of Horrors at the time but maybe that would have make a difference I've been scared and we worked out up some movies I just watched the movie Footloose for the time first time I had no idea that a guy could get so angry that he just started dancing I had no idea that if you're stuck in traffic for that long and you're just like will you just merge please [Laughter] we just beat like eight people back at CVS I will you please open another register please that's how I worked this out that's how mad I am so so hey can we acknowledge that the dog whisperer would be a more fun show if he really were just whispering to the dogs if the woman is like my Saint Bernard won't stop barking hang on a second hey I'm big anybody here a Titanic fan anybody else hear Titanic Canada yeah good the movie or the disaster I can't wrap my mind around that band on the Titanic I'll never figure like I don't understand why you would keep playing like who is your agent why would you keep playing it everybody's always like they were playing to relax people that's not relaxing if this room suddenly went up in flames but I just decided I'm gonna stay here and keep performing would that soothe anyone wouldn't that make it even scarier you would make it a lot scarier you're crawling out on your hands and knees for the napkin of your mouth and your friends gonna fire but I'm up here like anybody brought it down I see still performing that was just in Palm Springs and I did that that joke and a couple of older people counts about the show you know what disrespectful that band was very brave you shouldn't make fun of them I like they were afraid they were cruise ship musicians they probably just wanted to blame their original stuff and that was the only time anyone would listen but they hit the ice bring this thing is like all right guys been working on a new album now you gotta listen but I'll say this for those of you who maybe you're dating maybe you know you want to be like Greg you want to be married you think about proposing maybe think your guys propose to you test the waters first you've got to make sure they have a sense of humor that's like the man you got to make sure that was sincere my favorite way to do that is next romantic situation whisper something very awkward see how they react like not long cause my wife we're about to go to sleep she's like hey say something to me a romantic I was like all right [Laughter] but she didn't miss the beat you trying to write around just like I wish you were man I proposed right there right there because I like feistiness so I can and the only reason it works and it does is cuz whispering is going to inherently creepy there is something but just strange about it you can say some of someone a normal voice they think nothing whisper the same thing it's awkward there's no gonna read you you can go to somebody right now outside for complete stranger is almost a normal voice whatever you can be I I love kids in the back you should be a teacher you know whatever but you cannot go to some mom and CBS and be like the part of that is the person that doesn't help your case usually when you someone they chose their mustard on my shirts my zipper down you know thanks that's up much more fun someone but then just tell them something about yourself but they wouldn't care about knowing let's got about to run across street is like or if you really want to mess with somebody slim but then immediately shush them they don't know what you wanted cause it's watch but the most fun you can have any kind of proper transportation bus plain subway or whatever try waking up a stranger they'll believe anything you say for the next three or four seconds they don't know where they are who is it they don't nothing you just gotta sell it back sir you need to wake up now we're in my basement you guys think right up in there [Applause]

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 1,162,267

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Nick Cobb, Nick Cobb Dry Bar Comedy, Nick Cobb Comedy, Nick Cobb Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedians, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, motel 6, super 8 motel, Cheap hotels, one star hotel, cheapest hotel, dbc, standup

Id: X3eeDgU-3sM

Length: 37min 21sec (2241 seconds)

Published: Wed Mar 04 2020