Zoltan Kaszas "Dancin' With Drunks" (FULL SPECIAL)

oh he must be someone special and it's just us walking up like oh all right then i like seattle i like not having a car in seattle having a car in this town stinks i had a rental car for the first two days what a terrible town to drive in what an off who designed your streets who came up with that some eight-way intersection like who the [ __ ] i pulled up to intersections where my gps is like your call buddy i don't know what to tell you you figure that you pick a yesler and get on it because there's 18 of them it's almost like they designed the buildings first like they built the town at the end someone was like oh streets we forgot streets damn it well just put them where you can i guess fill them in where you can i think is the best it's good i'm glad to be here last week i was in vegas seven days in vegas that's too many days yeah i was there for seven days vegas is a two-day town absolutely it's a two-day you go in the first night and you get hammered you do all the drugs drinking kill a hooker or two whatever you're into whatever you're into first night all out then the second night no one even wants to be there the second night you just kind of force yourself you're like we will we paid for it so you ever see someone like really trying to rally on the second night they have some four foot margaritas strapped to their neck and they're just that is the saddest when someone's trying to fourth down just like a three gallon margarita it's vegas so sad it's a two-day town then that third morning you wake up and you're like can we just go to church is there a church nearby i gotta repent for some things can we i don't feel good about it i was performing at the mgm grand which is a beautiful uh hotel and casino and they put me up in the towers which is the there's extra towers in the back they tried to build condos back in the day but it didn't work out so so they're part of the hotel but they're in the back and the the rooms are awesome but what they don't tell me or at least they didn't tell me is there's no parking structure you have to valet your car which is fine if you have a newer car and you don't mind showing it off to people and that's not an issue that doesn't even cross your mind you're like yeah we'll just valet what's the big deal i drive a 2005 honda civic so i had a really awkward conversation with a valet driver as soon as i pulled i got out of the car and i'm like listen if you lock this thing when you got to bring it back to me look you got to go through the passenger side there's this driver's side door lock hasn't worked since 2008 so for the last decade i've been going through the passenger side and i could see it in his eyes he was like i think i make more money than you why am i parking your trash i took a little notch out of my soul but the room made up for it the room was awesome that room made up for the last time i was in vegas the last time i was in vegas uh i had to stay at the quad uh which used to be the imperial palace if anyone yeah if you've never been to the imperial palace that name lies to you twice it is not imperial it's not considered a palace anywhere you can put that hotel in like a third world country and people be like i'll just sleep in the mud hut i'm good i'm good well anyway that became the quad and uh people get tricked by hot wire to stay there 25 bucks a night and i stay in bad hotels professionally that's what i do for a profession so for it to catch my attention it has to be especially bad that's how bad this room was the shower didn't work i found that out day one of seven yeah i went in there to go take a shower i turn the water on and i pull that little that little titty thing up to make this happen you know i'm talking about a little second i pull that up to make this happen and when i pull it up like a rubber gasket piece falls out of the spigot and i'm like i hope that's not important and apparently it was it was like crucial to the whole showerology of the situation so this isn't happening i call front desk and they go yeah there's no maintenance and just deal with it so i had to take a bath for a week as an adult that is like the most degrading thing you can do to yourself and i didn't think like i hadn't taken a bath since i was a kid and i'm like oh yeah bats used to be fun this would be cool right beth says the kid were awesome there'd be bubbles in the duck poke your little penis through the bubbles it was great hey look at my little penis look at it it's like a little periscope from a submarine this is great it was a good time taking a bath as an adult is nothing like that it's shameful like you have to squeeze yourself in there and you're just forced to like like when did this happen what is this when did this like i'm used to standing up in a shower with dignity being like oh yeah this ain't bad i like this but then you're just squeezed in there like when did i get tits when did these grow in they're floating in the water like buoys in the ocean when the when did this happen it's just awful can you imagine that seven days of that seven days just staring into my balls like it's a lava lamp she's learning things about myself [Music] i didn't know this about my own body i didn't know that you could take a pair of adult balls and put them in some lukewarm bath water and if you give them a little poke a little pokesy or a little pinching pool those [ __ ] breathe and move [Applause] like the [ __ ] lava lamp i had no idea they were mesmerizing i was staring into them like i could see the future like what is it magic 8 balls what do you have to tell me what's that never stay at the quad again gotcha all right duly noted just brutal never again never again too old for that and i'm not even i'm 28 in case that was a question yeah 28 years old yeah i realize i look older i look older than my age i shouldn't know that but people are dicks so that's what i deal with people are just [ __ ] somehow it's socially acceptable to just tell me like that doesn't happen to women you'd be stabbed in the throat immediately if you went up to a young lady and you were like really that's your age because i would have guessed boom right there ball point pen to the throat you're bleeding out in the streets like a pig but because i'm a man and you can just walk right up to my dumb face and go 28. good lord really wow jesus man feels like you sold heroin in the 90s you're looking rough which is awful because i wasn't selling heroin in the 90s i was a child just a chubby kid wearing sweatpants pretty much harmless that's what i grew up in because i grew up poor i grew up in sweatpants that's all i wore from the time i was born to like the fifth grade because my mom was smart she realized kids are stupid they don't really know anything about style i can dress this kid in sweatpants every day for a year and it'll cost me like 12.99 this is awesome so that was me every day just sweatpants i just have a different color every day one day i'd be blue just blue sweatpants with a matching blue sweatshirt because she didn't want me to look stupid so every day i went into school just looking like a chubby crayon just like hey i'm here to learn which way to the cool kids table oh i'll find it i'm sure just brewed them i haven't worn sweatpants since then because of the trauma i don't need that in my life but it's been enough time like i thought it was like i was at the mall and i'm like maybe it's time i can go back to my sweatpant days right and i saw the sweatpants they're selling and they it's not the ones i grew up with they make these cool new sweatpants they're very tight around their legs and the ankle they're very tight right and then they're baggy in the crotch and the butt part they don't even look like sweatpants really they look like you put on a sweatshirt as pants it looks like someone put their legs through the sleeves like there's no time i got a bus to catch like i can almost imagine the hoodie just bobbing in between their legs who designed that whoever designed that just saw a homeless man on his worst day like i think i could sell that [ __ ] at the mall well you did it look at you you did it brutal i don't like going i don't i don't like shopping anymore at the stores i keep getting fatter every day i get fatter every day yesterday not as fat as today tomorrow i can't even imagine it sucks it doesn't happen overnight it's not like oh skinny skinny what sneaks up on you you have like a good night then a good couple nights then like three good nights and then a whole week and then six months later you're like oh [ __ ] i gotta get some sweatpants i can't that's when i realized that i was at an urban outfitters with my wife i was at urban outfitters and i was looking at their rack of pants and i looked at the biggest size they had and i looked at my wife and i went oh i guess i ate my way out of an urban outfitters i guess i can no longer be outfitted by the urbans i gotta move into the hills i'm no longer welcome in the city i gotta drag my fat ass into the mountains go buy my clothes at like a bass pro shop or something excuse me do you have some overalls you could pour me into perhaps camouflage excellent this is awful it can get worse i was at an h m uh and they had they had they didn't have my pant size but they had a size that shouldn't exist which made me extra upset so they didn't have my size but they had a size 3240. who the [ __ ] is that for who's that freak that's that much taller than they are who is that stomping in all legs excuse me do you have 3240s yeah right this way you freak we got him over here why are we making that guy pants that dude belongs in the circus wearing a bedazzled jumpsuit tap dance around bengal tigers not at the malls like a regular i always have a fear when i do that joke i think some giants are gonna stand up in the back go hey and then stomp up all legs and then i have to skedaddle with my short legs no thank you i'm not a fan of them all i don't like going there it's too many people in one area and i have like a form of add where i can't shut off my ears i hear every conversation you know and there's certain words that piss me off like the word literally i hate that word i hate it anyone else ready to shoot that word in the face and go throw it in a dumpster i hate that word every other person literally literally literally i literally had to go into the store i literally how the [ __ ] did you do it before did you do it figuratively is that how you did it did you do it telepathically how poetic are you that your friends just don't believe you unless you say literally last week she tricked us with a haiku i'm not falling for that again this is dumb yeah it's fun i'm glad to be performing in front of people again this is good thank you guys for showing up it's nice to be in front of people the reason i say that i've been performing at colleges for the last four months perform at colleges across the country so it's nice to be in front of people again this is good i'm not saying they aren't nice they're good they're nice they're just not people yet i don't think you're a person unless the first of the month scares you a little bit does that make any sense you know like if the first of the month doesn't do anything you're not a person it's hard for me to relate like me i get a pain in my taint around the 25th every month it's like a sharp pain i go ooh all right is it the 25th son of a [ __ ] how many do we have this month 30 or 31 how many days do i have to scrape this crap together i don't think you should be allowed to vote unless the first of the month at least makes you shudder at least like you know when you pee if it doesn't make you at least then it doesn't matter who's in charge of this country you're going to be fine i like that joke because it shows who's fiscally responsible don't lump me in with that idiot up there should be allowed to vote i don't know it's just some of these students i didn't go to college i don't know if that honda civic story was any evidence if i didn't go i didn't think i had what it took to do that next level of education but then i met a bunch of college kids and i'm like oh i totally could totally gone like i could have gone i could have killed it it would have been awesome i could have graduated maybe that would have been sweet and most of those kids are smart they're fine they're bright it's gonna be fine but then there's five percent of them where after the show i wanted to pull them off to the side and just go hey listen they're stealing your money i don't know how to [Applause] i don't know how to tell you this there's nothing for you at the end of this you're just gonna be in debt there's no job waiting for you this is the type of person i was doing the show at a school once and there's a student sitting and i asked him i was like hey what's your major pretty simple question right he looked back at me and goes you mean my dreams okay sure yeah if that's what you want to call that absolutely what's your dreams then he goes my original dream he's very funny yeah all right yeah what's your original dream he goes well i originally wanted to be a commercial airline pilot but i'm too short and i hate math that's an answer are you kidding me it just it was like his brain was just like i don't know throw out these words he'll figure it out you're too short to fly a commercial airline i don't know the rules but it's a billion dollar flying machine they don't have like a lever underneath the seat to scoot your ass forward so your foot it's a billion dollar flying machine the mirrors don't adjust at all not even a little it's 6-2 or nothing that's just how it works it's just brutal i was on the road for four months by myself just traveling by myself i thought it would be cathartic i thought i would learn something good about myself being alone that long you know sometimes people go into the woods for a weekend and do yoga and then they come back like i feel better now that's not what happened to me not at all i just learned awful things about myself that's all that happened i learned this i learned i'm subconsciously sexist i had no idea i thought i was a good person for 28 years absolutely wrong i've been subconsciously sexist the whole time that's how i found out i was driving in the south and i saw a car accident this car had flown off the highway and got stuck in some trees like 10 feet off the ground stuck in some trees not an accident you soon forget right two hours later i'm on the phone with my wife and i go babe i saw this crazy accident this lady got her car stuck in some trees i don't even know how she got it up there it was weird and my wife goes oh my god is that lady okay i'm like i have no idea i never saw her she goes you never saw her and i'm like no she goes how do you know it was a woman i was like oh that's when it clicked that's when i my brain my brain saw that situation and went no way anything with male genitalia could have possibly done that unless they're handing out trophies or like a free sticker just learning bad things about myself i learned this i learned revenge is the way i also learned that stop letting [ __ ] go you guys revenge i used to be a good person if someone was mean to me i'd let it go and be like i'm gonna be the better person and then i would just be mad the rest of the day not anymore revenge this one i learned this at the denver airport that's when it all came down i was at the denver airport and i was getting off a flight and you know when you get off a flight you're supposed to go row by row because we're not a bunch of apes we're not a bunch of animals we live in a society we have rules you get off row by row that's how it works so anyway it was my turn to get off the plane and i'm coming from the window seat so i'm coming out face first i'm coming in like this and some dude from back here not his turn comes by zooms my face so close like if i had a big nose he would have broken my nose that's how close like his dress shirt tickled my forehead that's how close he got normally i would have let that go but i'm like not today it's zoltan's time to shine so i jumped out of the row and i chased him down the aisle and i kicked him in the back of the feet twice that's what i did i was trying to give him like a flat tire you know when you step on the back of someone's shoe and you [ __ ] him up that's what i was trying to do but i mistimed it so i kicked him in the back of the feet but he knew what was up because he started going faster i could read the panic on the back of his fat head he's like oh i've been getting away with this [ __ ] for a decade and it's all coming crumbling down at the denver airport i was not prepared but i wasn't satisfied with kicking him in the feet i wanted the whole kit and caboodle i wanted it all so he had a stupid rolly bag with him right he put down his little rolly bag and as he's getting off the plane you know you got to hook that turn up the jet way yeah well i cut him off on the inside track i took the inside track i got parallel with his little rolly bag and i just went and i flipped over his rolling bag this he had to stop and take a knee to flip it back over and while he looked up we locked eyes i didn't even take my earbuds at you guys i just went by and went and walked on [Applause] i felt amazing for a week and a half that's what i learned revenge is the way don't let [ __ ] go i could have let it go and been mad all day instead i was high on life for 10 i days like this is church like i'm spreading the awful word of revenge turn the other cheek now turn his luggage over that's all what's the matter with you it's just weird all that traveling i would it's scary out there when you're out there by yourself i was returning a rental car once like 3 30 in the morning kansas city and they have a giant rental car returned mall type thing and there's nobody in there the lights are on but there's nobody in there so i'm just walking through i feel like i'm a part of like a scooby-doo mystery or something terrifying and then when i and then out of nowhere this old security guard he's old as as dirt like the oldest you could be no offense but he's like half past like it's over soon he pops out of nowhere and we both kind of startle each other and he looks at me and goes we're all alone and i'm like why would you say that oh my god they pay you to say this what is the matter with you we're all alone that's supposed to make me feel better like oh thank god i thought there was a bunch of people hiding this was a surprise party thankfully you and me are all alone at the kansas city airport i didn't like traveling alone i didn't like that that was the bad thing that happened i did have some good stuff happen in october i got married i got married which is perfect thank you thank you people thank you thank you some people clapping some people like i don't give a [ __ ] what that guy does you tried to come in late it's okay i know you didn't mean it your heart wasn't in it you're just trying to be polite i appreciate it though i appreciate it i got married uh we had a beautiful ceremony in san diego i cried during the ceremony which was i didn't expect to all right but it just happened i actually blamed my wife for that because the night before we're doing rehearsals we're doing walk-throughs and while we're doing a walk-through she goes hey tomorrow when you're up here don't be a jackass all right don't be up here hamming it up thinking this is one of your comedy shows this is serious all right there's 20 grand on the line all right so take it seriously and i'm like all right easy let's do this so the next day i'm standing there very serious i'm like all right here we go and i got caught up in the moment at that moment i realized everyone important in our lives was sitting there facing us and they're all dressed up and then my wife comes walking down the aisle and she's gorgeous her father's walking her down he looks the way he does there's a dude off to the side playing acoustic guitar as they're coming down and he's not playing like metallica riffs he's playing like butterfly kissy like coffee shop [ __ ] and it all wrapped up and at that moment i realized oh my god for 28 years i've been using comedy to hide my emotions what a shitty time to find that out and i just started bawling in front of everybody like not a little bit like like that obama one-tier thing like a real like ugly cry like like everything i never cried about before came back there's that parakeet from elementary school that i never i was like oh squawker no like everything came out thankfully one of my groomsmen called me a [ __ ] during the ceremony he just went [ __ ] like [ __ ] and it like shocked me out of it susie elliott like shocked me out of my thank you that is why you guys are here all dressed the same for this exact moment i have to be a man right now and marry my wife stop crying like my cat just died so that is my wedding story thank you for the fake awesome i appreciate that i got married at the right time i think is the right time to get married like a right age i think you have to get married to the right person don't get me wrong but there's like a right age to do it i learned i got married at the right age during my bachelor party my friends took me out for a lovely bachelor party and we're all around the same age 28 29 we're knocking on the door at 30 right and during my bachelor party one of my friends [ __ ] their pants and that stamped it like i'm leaving this party at the right time i'm not hanging on too long this is the right time to leave i'm not like kobe with the lakers taking an unnecessary one more lap no i'm good i'm good we're moving on to something better and just so you understand he didn't crap his pants at like four in the morning after a long night of partying this was like 8 30 at night we had been hanging out for an hour maybe he had a beer and his body's like i just can't i just can't do it get in here and i'm like thankfully we are out of this at the right time just awful i'm glad to be in a relationship i don't want to be single that's awful i like i like married life i like it it's it's a it's the same i like consistency and it's the same everything like drinking changes i drink differently now like i don't do shots anymore what am i why would i do shots who died i could do shots who turned 21 nobody i'm not doing shots we drink wine now that's what we do we have some wine drinkers in here yeah damn wine that's the way to do it i like it we go out we get a couple bottles of wine get all purple mouth you think you're being classy but you're just ah just oh you look like you just ate a muppet everywhere that's what we do we get a couple bottles of wine we get all purple mouth and then we argue about politics that we agree on and that's wine drinking we just yell at each other as to who agrees more i love it and then they bring out the snacks that's my favorite part where they bring out the little meats and cheeses at the wine barn you're like oh is this a brie what is it oh i like that is that a brie with a little sliver of meat and a cracker i'm being fancy and then after a while you realize it's just a high-end lunchables that's all it is you just overpaid for a child's lunch the worst but i like wine drinking because it ends early there's no 4 a.m wine drinking you're gonna throw up full grapes if you do that it ends early 11 11 30. you get home you got to go home go to bed you have to because the next day you got the [ __ ] farmer's market to go to can't be hungover at the farmer's market you got to be spry you're going to be haggling with hippies wearing ropes for shoes they're going to try to screw you on the kale so you got to be spry you're like you're not messing with me today i'm honest i don't like the farmer's market i don't i can't believe we go just some dirty hippie shows up in a dirty van and pulls out dirty vegetables and we're like that's cleaner and healthier for you like how i was i was raised to stay away from that exact situation but as long as it's overpriced kale people are lining up like yes hell yes bring that in this way so scary i don't like it i live in san diego thank you two people i appreciate it i live in hillcrest and sandy what's that yeah the season's over [Applause] i feel like you would yell that i love seattle sports because you guys are passionate but the reason people don't like seattle sports there's that guy there's like respectable fans i feel like you would yell that at your grandmother's eulogy i listen she she didn't have any legs and she never did anything athletic but i'm sure she would want me to say go hawks let's throw some dirt in her face it's time to party here we go i live in san diego so we don't really have sports fans we just have like there's you can't be a sports fan in san diego and care because if the team loses you're just like oh well we can just kayak or something they're sun and joy and happiness after a hawks game if they lose you go outside and it's raining and grey and you're like man i really wish that team won that would have made me feel better about stepping in this puddle and getting my socks all wet if that team might have pulled it off that would have made me feel so much better that's why real sports fans are like in cleveland pittsburgh green bay seattle boston because those towns the weather is [ __ ] terrible that's why you need other things thank you one person i think you made a good point thank you for raising the drink that you shouldn't be drinking [Applause] you're raising the drink yes this is the one that when i was over served this is the one this is the one that's going to take me from drunk to sleeping in pioneer square [Applause] [Applause] the saddest part is only like three people joined you everyone else is like [ __ ] fans get drunk [Applause] yelling get drunk that's what you interrupted the show for [Music] seahawks fans are drunk there's two of you and everyone else everyone else is like we understand when football's not happening you guys just walk around thinking everything's football you guys probably see some crackheads hanging around like oh they're just huddling before the next play [Applause] like this is like the national anthem to the next seahawks game with every word you sound dumber i envy you guys because you do have real sports sports fans i envy that i live in san diego i just live in the gay community which i love by the way but then not not really on the sports fan side that's not really what they're into i love living in the gay community i highly recommend it it's the most fun they have the best bars best restaurants it's the it's the safest somehow it's always the safest anytime someone moves to a new town and they're like where's the safe neighborhood i go find where the gay people are living it's the most fun and safest because for some reason i don't know why but thugs are terrified of gay people they are i don't know why they'll terrorize every neighborhood but the gay neighborhood they'll come right up to the edge they'll come right up to the edge be like i don't think so they're gonna try to touch our winkies come on fellas get the hell out of here it's just that irrational fear can't party with the gay dudes they party too hard can't keep up with those guys they're machines gay dudes are machines every night boom boom boom shots every night next day you're hungover because you tried to keep up with them dragging your ass to get some breakfast a coffee a bagel something to go on you walk by a breakfast joint they're at it again boom boom boom mimosas they call it brunch they're at it again they're machines i don't know how they do it i've never seen a gay dude hung over i've never seen a gay dude just like i need a carrot juice or something they're always just like yes let's do it again and i'm like that's not natural i'm pretty sure that's cocaine i'm pretty sure that's cocaine it kind of makes sense the gay dudes are into cocaine because they don't have a woman in their life going hey you shouldn't do that much cocaine can you imagine it's just another dude there going hell yeah light it up big on the party i've been living in the gay community so long i forgot that some people don't like gay people like it's any time it pops up on the news i'm like oh yeah that's weird all right why is that happening like i remember those laws the religious freedom laws in indiana where a business owner could say turn away a gay couple and not be sued which i don't even understand that because i'm in a small business this is the smallest business you can be and i i perform for people i hate all the time you know why because the rent is still due it doesn't matter if you like them or not you got to get paid like the example they used was like a baker could turn away a gay couple if they didn't want to make the cake for their gay wedding and i don't think that baker understands that it's the same [ __ ] cake the shrek cake and the gay cake it's the same cake no one's calling up going hey excuse me can we get two dick-shaped cakes that would be awesome can you make the tips touch that would be amazing you can make that happen and someone on the other end like god clear my schedule edith we got more dick cakes on the docket then he has like two big dick-shaped cookie cutters just i wish there was a law i know it works i don't think i live in san diego in a one bedroom uh house it's a small one-bedroom house but it's in the gay neighborhood so it's called a cottage we live in a cottage i like it it's a snazzier name it's a one-bedroom cottage it's uh we have a glass front door which is a little weird it's a wood frame but it's all glass on the inside so it's weird like i can't kick anyone out of my house with any kind of confidence you can't do that with a glass front door you can't just be like yeah and stay out and you can still see the person i wish that was solid it's just awkward we've been living there for uh for over a year uh i remember when we first moved in like two weeks into staying there late at night there was like a noise in the kitchen something happened like a rose such a clatter in the kitchen something happened there was a ruckus in the kitchen room and my wife elbowed me in the ribs and said hey there's a noise and you know what you have to do as a man in that situation you have to get up and you have to you know possibly get murdered that's what you have to do that's what you have to do because you're in love because you're in love that is the contract you signed i don't understand the rule either i think it's a stupid rule i don't like it i don't know why we both can't lay in bed and call the cops i think that'd be better it could be like a team building activity put it on speakerphone just like together help there's a noise in the kitchen we don't know what it is but that's not what i did because i'm a man that's in love my wife elbowed me she says there's a noise and i'm like i'm on it so it's two in the morning i just woke up i wear contact lenses by the way they're not in so i can't see and i just woke up and i'm like i'm on it so i sneak around the bed and i go to the doorway and i'm like hello hello that's the you ever wish you could have a redo in life that's one way i wish i could have a redo maybe something a little more guttural a little more intimidating more like hello welcome to hell house that's not what i did apparently i'm very polite when you wake me up at two in the morning i just went hello this is a private residence i don't know if you accidentally walked through my glass front door but i was supposed to separate public from private so embarrassing it ended up being nothing it ended up just being my cat being a cat like that's what the noise is my cat was being a cat at 2 am and making noise and scaring everybody anyway the next day i told that story to a friend of mine and he goes you should get a gun and i'm like yeah that would have helped that would have made that a lot better just hello who damn i don't know if you can tell by looking at me i'm not like a gunsmith i don't know if that's the word for it but if anyone's picturing me just twirling a gun in my free time that's not what i do i shot a gun once in my life once in my life i was in billings montana uh at a comedy competition in billings montana and on one of the off days they took 26 comedians to a gun range as like a fun activity to go do so there's 26 comedians and there's real guns there's like ak-47s ar-15s real guns and it was terrifying because there wasn't that many rules i thought there would be more rules but there was just one guy with camouflage pants and he was just like yeah have fun i'm like wow really and we're just standing there holding these machine guns terrified and he's looking at us like you played call of duty get after it and we're like all right here we go i was so scared because my only experience with a gun is watching rambo movies as a child i remember rambo would be shirtless and oiled up and he'd be barely holding on to that gun and he's shooting at the [ __ ] commies right and i'm like i don't have any of those muscles what if i like try to shoot but i don't have the muscles to hold it there and i just go oh no i think i just won the comedy competition but i did i did i didn't get to shoot a gun i i highly recommend it if you've never shot a gun just do it once in your life because it is life-changing i shot it once and i'm like oh i want that after one shot i'm like i want that like it like i think my dick grew three inches i could feel it like when the grinch's heart grows three sizes that happen with my penis after one shot i'm like oh i want this i want in i want a pickup truck with big dumb wheels [ __ ] this honda civic i want a big dumb lifted truck with like nuts hanging off the back and i want to have a flag of some army that lost 200 years ago like i want the whole thing i want the whole kit and caboodle but then i thought about it i thought about it like i'm like you can't have a gun so i was looking it up i was like oh i could totally buy one and then i'm like you can't have one you're an idiot you can't have a gun you're stupid you're gonna do something dumb i know me i'll be like the first day i'll be taking irresponsible selfies just mondays or whatever this the stupid caption is and that's gonna be it for me how terrifying would that be we live in a scary time it is isn't it can't go to the movie theaters anymore and just be like oh is something what a terrible place to be killed the movie theater it's so [ __ ] expensive of all but can't you get me at a mcdonald's or something where i'm not at a movie it's so expensive you could take a date if it's 3d that's like 50 bucks on tickets right there then you buy snacks it's a 75 night and some [ __ ] runs in with a gun i'd go how [ __ ] dare you do you have any idea how expensive this was you selfish prick trying to have a night out with my family i hate every time there's a shooting it's sad and then everyone argues i love the two arguments we should get rid of guns and if everybody had a gun those are my favorite arguments if everybody had a gun yeah that's your argument if everybody had a gun it makes sense doesn't it crazy guy runs into the theater 100 people get up and go bang and go right back to watching the movie like that [ __ ] didn't just happen that is awesome but that's a [ __ ] fantasy you realize that right that's not how the world works like if that happens like you still have to call the cops there's still a [ __ ] ton of paperwork your night is still ruined don't get me wrong that would be awesome 100 people get up and go bang and then like a janitor with a push broom comes in i'll take it from here folks [Applause] that wouldn't be awesome it's just it's just not reality uh i guess it's a good time as any to tell you i'm obviously a cat person if that was at all a question i'm obviously a cat person we got some cat people here he-man no not a cat person here in the corner how many cats do you have you were you were and he was nodding his head like no [ __ ] no how does that work you hate her cats what are you allergic are you allergic to cats no you're just hateful you're just saying what is it you like dogs you don't like dogs either what is all right are you a sociopath a little bit that's creepy some people pick like cats or dogs i'm i like both i just vibe better with a cat that's the only difference like dogs to me are too much in your face like an annoying friend you know what i mean just in your business like hey what's up man yeah we should go out you want to go out we should totally go out let's do it and you're like nah right now get the hell out of here all right it's been a second i'm back you wanna go out let's do it man it's gonna be fun i know a tree that's why that's why i like cats cats are more like hey what are you up to never mind just remembered i don't care i'll be over here i'll be in the kitchen we'll meet later so we have we have a cat we got it from the pound that's right my wife she gets like a new hobby every six months right now it's special needs animals you guys know what special needs animals are yeah they're like animals that uh they have special needs it's right there in them it's right there in the name of it they have a lot of them have like pages on facebook they have like pages and my and my wife stares at him all day and cries that's what she does for fun she just cries all day and a lot of times i'll come home and she's just on the computer just like oh yeah [Music] and being a guy i always think it's not my did i'm like oh did i not clear the browser history what's happening do i have to explain something what's going on then she turned it and she goes no it's and it was oscar the blind cat it was this cat that was born without any eyes and they post pictures every day of oscar to make my wife cry and she loves it every day they post a photo like here's oscar sleeping here's oscar awake it's the same photo he doesn't have any eyes i don't know why they keep posting new photos for all i know they're using the same photo and just changing the background one day they'll put some with like palm trees in the back here's oscar in hawaii it's brutal she's absolutely brutal but my wife she's so into it she turned to me she goes i want a special needs animal and i'm like but we have a cat and she's like yeah but i want like a messed up one and i'm like whoa i don't think you can ask for that because i don't know where to get this what do you do you go to the pound and be like what do you have in the back do you have something in the back you have like a three-legged dog or like a cat with autism what do you have in the back i gotta find something because if you don't have anything i'm gonna have to catch my cat at the top of the staircase and nudge it not because i'm a dick but because i'm an amazing husband that makes things happen like here you go baby uh she has a limp now here's the camera have fun on facebook i wouldn't do that i love that little cat i realized uh we got health insurance i finally got insured in my life this is when i realized we needed health insurance last year everyone in my house got sick my wife myself and the cat and out of the three of us only the cat got to go to the doctor that's when i realized we are doing this wrong absolutely wrong and you know if you have if you have a pet you gotta take it to the vet it's a million dollars every time it's never not a million dollars at least they act like they care though don't they the vet comes in he does this [ __ ] on her back what is this what day of veterinary school was this oh i see what's going on here this is all he did by the way he went this he went like this i'm like watch it and he's alright i'm sorry back up here anyway oh i see what's going on let me put together a little treatment plan for little jessica i'll be right back he leaves the treatment plan doesn't come back all right he doesn't come back but the treatment plan does but he doesn't come back and comes back with like this big titted nurse closer as i like to call her they throw down the treatment plan i look at the bottom five hundred dollars five hundred dollars i paid thirty dollars for this catch you guys you understand how much nonsense that makes that's like if you bought a brand new car for 20 grand and then uh two years later you're at the mechanic and they're like that's gonna be eighty-five thousand dollars you're like how that's what i was doing at the vet i'm like 500 how i have thirty dollars in cat parts here how is it five hundred what does your calculator look like i want to see this but the good thing about a pet like at the vet you can knock down you can be like all right honestly we don't need all of this right she doesn't need an air freshener like what can we knock off how much to wear when we get home it's not dead how much for the bar basin and they did it they knocked it down to like 50 bucks and now i have an 80 cat so it's perfect that's why i always think pets it's always going to be better to have pets than children because no matter how sick your pet gets there's that underlining option to just put them down and get another one i'm not saying i would do that with a child i'm just saying that's not even open to you as an option as a parent you can't do that if your kid breaks his arm you can't be at the hospital like oh boy don't look him in the eyes just don't look at me just wait in the car i'll take care of this hey doc sidebar let me just hypothetically they're never going to let me have kids after that maybe my wife and i have been together for five years we have a lot in common we have a lot of we have the same sense of humor we like to laugh at the same stuff we have the same birthday which is kind of weird we have the same birthday may 23rd yeah same birthday in case you're wondering how that works that just means i don't get a birthday that's how that breaks down i haven't had a birthday in five years still 23 technically last year for a birthday we went camping that's what we did to celebrate which is perfect because i [ __ ] hate camping but it's not my day so i just have to grip my teeth and bear it just like all right here we go she like i think you have to grow up around camping to enjoy it her father took her camping that's what she liked it she grew up around it i didn't have that i grew up with a single mom you don't go camping with a single mom that's weird if i came home after school on a friday and she's like hey we're gonna go sleep outside under this tarp i'd be like did you lose your [ __ ] job what is what is happening this is not okay we have to be in shelter i will call services on you but we ended up going camping because my wife just told me that i liked it that's how that worked out she's like no you're going to like it i'm like i'm pretty sure i know what i hate and she's like no you're going to like it it's going to be great we're going to be out there in the middle of nowhere for a week isn't that awesome can't wash your hands properly isn't that great they're always going to be that weird sticky kind of dirty it's going to be stickiness to it yeah and you wear contact lenses isn't that awesome get to take your contact lenses out with your sticky dumb dirty fat fingers isn't that relaxing don't worry you don't have to poop in the woods that's what she told me don't worry you don't have to shoot in the woods this campsite has a structure there's a bathroom you can go poopsy in there but don't worry all the bugs from the outside will be inside the bathroom with you isn't that awesome just sitting on the toilet on your tippy toes while there's like a parade of tarantulas going under your heels oh happy birthday to me i don't like camping because there's nothing to do you just sit around a campfire getting drunk pretending to get deep with your friends but really no one has [ __ ] to say it's because at home you have cable and internet and ipads it's entertainment you're just staring at a flame going why does it turn blue sometimes what's the best question you can muster what makes it blue what a terrible place to get drunk in the woods because then you get drunk you got to go tinkle the bathroom's too far away so you just walk into the wilderness you just walk away from the only place illuminated and you walk into the pitch darkness of the woods and then when you can't see anything you pull your dick out isn't that terrifying it's just wilderness you hear like an owl go by you're like what was that what the [ __ ] was that a velociraptor what was that and i'm drunk so my drunk imagination is having its way with me i keep thinking some animal's gonna come by and just rip my dick off and run off into the woods i gotta go back to the campfire something took my dick i think it was a wolverine or something those are pretty mean you're telling me took my dick search party let's go it's just awful i made the mistake of getting drunk on my last night of camping which meant i got to break down the tent the next day hungover that's how you want to do that you want to make sure you're cross-eyed and irritated when you break down that town i was so pissed my wife got us a big tent too she got us like a 20-person tent like this giant for the two of us this big-ass tent and for those of you that can't you know it doesn't even matter if you get a big tent or a small tent they give you the same size carrying case for each one it's this big so hungover i got to break down this three-bedroom two-bathroom mansion tent and jam it into a fanny pack from the 80s i was so mad i was pissed i couldn't get it in there i was yelling at it i was cussing at it i kicked it at one point i flipped off the sun that happened that's how mad i got it finally i gave up and i noticed there's some bungee cords about with the whole ensemble so i just rolled the tent into a ball and wrapped the bungee cords around it i'm like that's it that's the new carrying case i did it i was so proud of myself then my wife walked over she saw what i had done and she goes you did that wrong i wanted to tell her to eat [ __ ] that's what i wanted to say that's not what i said that's what i wanted to say in here but that's not how you talk to your wife it's not how you talk to your best friend your soul mate you don't tell her to eat [ __ ] so i didn't say that i just said it with my eyes she said you're doing it wrong and i'm like uh-huh [Music] she knew what that man i will bury your ass in the woods if you don't get away from me i am in hell right now i'm hungover i'm sweaty there's bugs stuck to my fat sweaty face i just flipped off the sun i don't know how to pack this thing this thing was originally packed by professional robots or [ __ ] mexicans i don't know who did it wasn't done by a hungover white guy on his birthday i'll tell you that much not a happy camper ladies and gentlemen this has been the [ __ ] late show i appreciate you guys coming out thank you very much [Applause] [Music] [Applause] y'all have fun

Channel: Zoltan Kaszas

Views: 337,036

Rating: 4.8238688 out of 5

Keywords: Zoltan kaszas, modern male, cat jokes, dry bar comedy, Comedy Central, Netflix, Joe rogan, joey Diaz, marc maron, jim gaffigan, mark normand, Brian Regan, comedy, stand up, humor, funny, Dave chappelle, Louis ck, Dave attell, nate bargatze, Titus, Sinbad, Kevin hart, Taylor tomlinson, bill burr, tom segura, bert, Theo von, Chris delia, bobby lee, Brendan Schaub, The Comedy Store, laugh factory, taylor tomlinson, sam morril, joe list, andrew shultz, steve hofstetter, jokes

Id: nmMvTgnSPQc

Length: 54min 35sec (3275 seconds)

Published: Sun Nov 01 2020