Christopher Titus • Neverlution • Full Special

[Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] ladies and gentlemen the man you came to see please welcome Christopher tiny Thomas Jefferson said every generation needs a new revolution our grandparents had World War two fought the Nazis our parents had the civil rights revolution our generation has ShamWow and prozac that's it man we use with you the worst decade since disco and how do we deal with it we bitched on the internet got medical marijuana cards and played Grand Theft Auto our generation ever had a galvanizing moment a moment of pure sacrifice people say yeah you did you had 9/11 yeah but our president said I want you to go shopping so we sacrificed our credit rating we are a generation that got what he wanted when it wanted it man at the Millennium we partied like it was 1999 and then we had a ten-year bathtub tequila hangover man just [ __ ] the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis do you guys remember the last decade holy crap it was like going on a 10-year bender when you woke up people had to explain what happened way way way way will Holloway Bush lost the election with the Supreme Court violated the constitution made it press it anyway over be sick what go farmers crashed airplanes into the World Trade Center are you Kim left Iraq war but they didn't do anything man there was no weapons of mass Hurricane Katrina how come we're not help with those people how can we give people who lost their trailers more trailers Afghanistan two wars one is Halliburton getting the volume discount now Bush got elected again are you [ __ ] kidding me Haiti fell over who built Haiti two of the Three Little Pigs Toyota's are just crashing randomly into preschools I can't trust Toyota anymore ten percent everybody lost their house BP oil spill oh please stop it Oh hold on hold on wait a minute Japan earthquake tsunami and got a new clock man but why don't you just bring Godzilla back it would have done less damage please just give me some good news Osama bin Laden this day oh my god that was so easy only took two trillion dollars to Wars and too many good man oh god please end this decade this horrible decade this horrible Paris Hilton Lindsay Lohan Kim Kardashian talentless [ __ ] decade please end it this horrible decade where all of us men tried to be individual rebels by wearing the exact same flaming skull on a bedazzled ed hardy thermal I've got three of them I'm not laughing at you I'm laughing with you metrosexual men acting like women what happened to men I'm calling it right now ladies we're going back to being real men starting tonight don't you ladies clap you started it ten years ago remember I ain't got to be so macho what's the deal with you man why you turned that one brow into a duo what is that extra nose hair is not a mustache clean this up man and then you invented a word manscaping and we shaved ourselves bald like nine-year-old boys because we wanted to sleep with you it's getting out of control I'm come back from Philadelphia there's a grown man sitting in first class wearing dr. pepper flannel pajamas autumns and ugg boots I didn't know what to do I just walked up smudged his nail-polish take that fruit cup and that's another thing no more mani-pedis with your girlfriend's guys no more couples day of beauty all right if you're gonna do leave your testicles in the glove compartment there's two approvement that's from now on to get a pedicure for a guy number one you'll use your own grinder or you have an eighteen-year-old Vietnamese girl rub your feet and call you Joe and that's it Clint Eastwood doesn't moisturize but Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize and I'm not talking about chivalry or disemboweling your opponent in the Octagon man I'm just saying I've proven you're man enough to procreate this species I had a real job at 14 years old at 17 I was on my own at 20 I cut the liver out of a drifter and gave it to my father cuz my dad's a drinker and I loved my dad and for 80 bucks you can do anything in Mexico so I'm calling it here's how you know if you're a man or not if you're old enough to buy beer but your mom still makes you breakfast I'm suspending your guy cart as of tonight if you bring a woman home after a night at a bar you wake up the next morning and your dad walks in and wants to meet your little friend you're a boy put on your under root go into the living room pick up the game control and get to level 10 on halo homo and wind in mediocrity become excellence in America my god music is dead in 2011 because Lady gaga lives is that the best we can do pop up up of this stuttering growling [ __ ] with a speech impediment is music really I'm sorry you're not an artist just because you were a live chimpanzee is a bra Lady Gaga makes Miley Cyrus look like John Lennon she makes Jack Lemmon look like John Lennon Lady Gaga has proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett in this next decade we are not gonna be afraid of stuff we're not supposed to be afraid of no matter what Anderson Cooper or Sanjay Gupta says swine flu shut us down for like a year man lining up for vaccinations like it was a u2 concert anybody get the swine flu rest my case pig virus supposed to wipe out half the planet man but no one's afraid of bacon and that's the silent killer America is number one in obesity we need a bacon vaccine and I'm calling this to terrorism is over not because Osama went down it's been over for a long time there's no terrorism anymore in 2001 this douche bag got lucky with the World Trade Center since then ten years we had one guy tried to light his shoes on fire and another man tried to explode his underwear in first class so I guess Al Queda has been outsourcing bomb-making to Ringling Brothers now and people go what about the Times Square incident what about the Times Square incident the Times Square incident was not a terrorist attack that was a Jim Carrey movie the terrorists locked the keys to the safe house he was going to escape to in the car bomb and I love that he locked the car bomb no one's giving my iPod left the keys to the car while I'm hanging out of the tailgate of the car bomb and built the car bomb and a fertilizer that would not explode I've been doing comedy 25 years and I have never been that funny so I guess before we got I'm Osama turn the family business over to his cousin Billy Bob bin Laden juicer Al Queda has an online magazine I'm not making that up man al Qaeda online guess what you stopped being a terrorist organization when you start raising money to fight the infidels using PayPal and having vodka pop-up ads absolute jihad goes down smooth let's define terrorist organization terrorist organization is an organization that keeps you scared all the time and makes you change your behavior what is CNN Fox News and MSNBC do all the time right Wolf Blitzer terrorist Glenn Beck terrorist Nancy Grace terrorist right her and her plastic surgeon teres don't have to work on a plan to blow us up man the new scares is so much we're scared all the time they just sit in the cave or or the mansion in Pakistan I may take after grenade blazer don't you don't have to go today no these 72 virgins can wait glenn beck's going to call the president the Antichrist watch this and we all know the Antichrist is Gary Coleman's wife oh she pushed a [ __ ] down the stairs the only news organization that is not a terrorist organization is the BBC because the BBC can make the worst thing sound okay hello welcome to the BBC Satan has reentered the planet he's picking up babies and his talons biting off the heads and sucking out their souls we're in for a thousand years of darkness all hope is lost in now the World Cup update I'm tired of being afraid for ten years since nightly we've been afraid it's over it's time to take a country back for us take America back for us it's time for revolution are you guys ready Yeah right revolution hold on what day oh yeah no Monday's bad now my kid has a soccer thing and it's my Tivo ketchup night so tell you why you texting some alternative revolution days and I will have my assistant call you everybody wants revolution no one's willing to pack a lunch but Thomas Jefferson also said the tree of liberty needs to be fertilized from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants yeah and I heard that and I thought I'm out I got a bleed I was looking up new quote I like what George Orwell said every joke is a tiny revolution that I can do of course the Revolution in America started two years ago because liked it or hated America has a black president that's right yes that's right and the economy tanked you know why cuz all those people that said I bet you a million dollars there will never be no black president they had to pay up racism is over man black people aren't telling white jokes white people aren't telling black jokes we decided to team up and go after the gay people because of 2011 gays the new black do you know they just got the right like six months ago to visit their partners or life partners in the hospital fight the power and I hear this dude I hate gay people doing great man Don't Ask Don't Tell got repealed yeah gay people just got the right in December to be openly gay and get shot that's a before they had to go oh nothing go oh my god my uniform is ruined we shall overcome you can't sell a racist in America to like if you know the name of six different NASCAR drivers and the erectile-dysfunction drug they're sponsored by you may have a problem we have a black president if you've ever hand-painted a confederate flag on the roof of a used car you may have a problem we have a black president if you think Al Roker is uppity [Applause] you may have a problem we have a black president but don't and I'll tell you why every black guy got the big job throughout history was always amazing at it man Jackie Robinson and baseball phenomenal Thurgood Marshall on the Supreme Court amazing justice Jesse Owens in the Olympics people Jesse Owens was so good in 1936 he pissed off Hitler Hitler left the stadium and Jesse's like hey where you going hey Doc yo bring me another white boy I need a snack I don't believe how fast this guy is my jerk you said we were the master race but this guy is a black flash Tiger Woods in golf and sleeping with white women best we've ever seen had to quit golf for walkers he's a pimp now he's got a stable of 120 Denny's waitresses to manage yeah I'm sorry you're a billionaire couldn't you bump the [ __ ] level up just a little bit even the porn star he was dating plenty at Denny's waitress in a porn movie but to be a black man and dominate a white sport like golf as long as Tiger Woods has it's easy to become a KKK Grand Dragon as a black man by the way if you're new tonight and you're a KKK Grand Dragon you may have a problem we have a black president so I'm not concerned Obama is black I'm scared to death he's half white because those are the people that got us here black people didn't do what's wrong with our country right now white guys did it man I know I'm a pasty-faced peckerwood I get it but let me ask you something white people honestly do you trust white people [Applause] let's just go let's go to recent history let's go back to Reagan good president okay but don't forget when Reagan left office we had the highest deficit we'd ever had at that point then Bush number one came in who had a bigger deficit huge tax increase during a Republican then Clinton came in gave away all our jobs to other countries because of NAFTA now all we make in this country is lattes and Big Mac so our kids are sucking LED paint off a toys made in Beijing and then we got Bush to the revenge white guy white guy white guy why call those people to take that tarp money man too big to fail General Motors Chrysler white guy white guy white guy white guy anyone back us like the idea a IG Lehman Stearns Bear Stearns Citibank Madoff white guy white guy white guy white guy white guy wagon like I like that white frankly I want a blacker president that's right I want a blue black president I want a president so black light cannot escape him yes Secret Service has to tell him jokes just to find him right during his inaugural speech he should pop and click that's how black I wanna president who was Air Force Ones on Air Force One I want a president so black his motorcade still gets pulled over for no reason he's bringing his a game and why'd he listen up we don't get to run anything for 20 years man we had 200 30-something years to fix this place look what he did man and here's the good news Oh in 20 years we gotta go it wasn't that easy [ __ ] was it but you really want to be America you want to be what this country says it is all men created equal then I say everybody gets a shot to be President first President Obama then president Rodriguez what's the worst that could happen the border problem finally gets solved and the White House lawn looks better so President Obama I want you to know something you made us proud to be Americans once again you know why cause like you or hate you proved this country is what it says it is if you work hard enough in America you can be anything but we are all watching you cracker just try to call the black president and cracker right and you know with what's going on in the world right now racism is so stupid with you know with India's blowing up there's more billionaires in India and China's growing at 10% rate Japan's Technology except when it comes to nuclear reactors Obama being president if you're a racist right now in 2011 you just look like a [ __ ] man because the truth is the truth we're all brilliant and we're all douchebags that's the truth meant Bill Gates brilliant that Jared Lochner kid that shot that congresswoman douchebag you know Julius no the first open-heart surgery ever done on the planet was done by a black doctor dr. Daniel Hale Williams and he did it in 1893 1893 was using a piece of Flint rock and a railroad tie 1893 brilliant doctor you know why he had to do the world's first open-heart surgery cuz two black guys got in a knife fight and one stabbed the other one in the heart douchebags you don't see how Sharpton wearing that t-shirt and black people went crazy and Obama got elected and for good reason we know the history 400 years of slavery about time they got fired up man they should have but don't forget Obama get like it was great for white people to man cuz we are in slavery rehab right now man two years we got a two-year chip we're in recovery whoa only 398 more years to go and we got that monkey off our back that's not what I meant [Applause] not what I meant and now here in California man people think we're so liberal around the country man but even a la man thought people were just like black president black president get ready white hands like whoa whoa whoa he's half white too and I can prove that cuz I saw him dancing in that parade with Michelle oh I have photographic evidence our president is half white do you guys remember that on all day remember that man they had a band behind they got on the car I didn't it took it to get in this band and Michelle's dancing cool Obama's [Applause] Secret Service lost @potus is having a seizure POTUS is having a seizure get in there get in there right now hold on stand down my god I think he's dancing I voted for him I'm proud I did I want to be very clear about one thing before we go any further I am NOT a Democrat I'm not a Republican I don't believe in it I believe all doesn't split us in two makes us pissed at each other instead of the people that are actually screwing things up Toyota Prius drivers and by the way left and right if you believe so far left and right it doesn't work if you're so far left you actually believe that somebody owes you a job citizenship and a free heart transplant you're mentally ill and if you're so far right you believe somebody who doesn't have a job and he's not a citizen deserve to have their heart cut out and sold on ebay mentally ill we're all in the middle someone I voted for him in I was proud I did you know and then he wins a Nobel Peace Prize and gives a speech on why we need to stay at war I just kept waiting from to rip his face off it's Dick Cheney [Applause] I'm a Highlander there can be only one that was a newspaper headline the next day Obama wins Peace Prize gives speech on why we need to stay or and I thought wow that's in joke form I don't have to do anything with that the newspaper is getting crazier man just pick it up at 11 months ago here's the headline white Goodman Pennsylvania sues Indian tribe for ruining the land you know how big your sack has to be as a white guy to suit some Indians for ruining the land all 23 Indians that are left were pissed man oh this is ironic you are obviously not a student of history and in that spirit accept these blankets as our gift marry your face and breathe deep if you did not understand that joke you are not a student of history and went to a public school which takes books from Texas my favorite unintentional joke headline of the last decade in this one you know this one had to be written by a comma because it's so shorts got that hard right turning it ready pro-lifer shoots and kills a man let me say it again pro-lifer shoots and kills a man in church so he was a devout murderer now if your organization is actually called the pro-lifers do you need an orientation to explain the not kill part of that okay that's where about here at the pro-lifers any questions yeah if I may a question so I get we're supposed to pro take an ass can I also shoot some people okay everybody open their pamphlets to page one again now the guy said he shot the guy in the church cuz the guy was a late term abortion is that a good enough reason to kill somebody because Texas had late term abortions for a long time they just called the death penalty [Applause] isn't that just a really really late term abortion Texas one in 20 to 80 year old fetuses through old lightning on a conveyor belt at Texas is killing people in the seventy third trimester I prefer that term better anyways man don't you yeah death penalty's so- where's your uncle late term abortion roe we're appealing his abortion right now now I have an opinion about abortion not enough to shoot somebody in a small theater in San Diego so relax but I don't know if it's okay I gotta be honest I don't know if you could take a baby from the womb before you know what could be what if that kid was gonna cure cancer one of the kids would be the greatest leader we ever had and bring him up for a world peace so I don't think there should ever be any abortions ever but I do believe once that child is born there should be a 22 year late term abortion window cuz I have I have two kids that I love with all my heart so far and I say 22 years cuz you want to make sure the kid can handle his alcohol like he's a great kid till 21st birthday gets drunk punches grandma ah you are this close we are gonna miss you you want to start a revolution tomorrow you let every teenager in this country know there's a 22 year late term abortion window things would change overnight man and your lawn would get mowed when you said you would never utter this phrase again did you clean your room like I asked yes I did Father I've also repainted and installed high-speed Internet now I'm going to recheck my homework and then build a scale model of the galaxy for extra credit I love you daddy I love you too perfect job wouldn't be great to have that power over your kids just that kind of just adjust Brian get in here your mother and I were looking at report card oh you know what did we say was gonna happen if you got one more date your mom's getting the vacuum right now [Applause] I get it's an odd concept but you don't know what a baby in the womb could be but if you got a teenager living at home been rolling around his own filth for the last couple years been fired from four different Kentucky Fried chicken's got a nine on the GED you know don't you hey what happened you kid ah we late term aboard at them it's God's will his cars for self yuan by cuz the technology's phenomenal right now you guys know they can pull some amniotic fluid from a woman's womb right now test it and find out if the kid has Down syndrome or something wrong genetically and they're doing gene therapy in the womb right now it's amazing we need to take this technology to the next level where they could pull some fluid and find it if your kid's gonna be the one that's gonna drive slow in the fast lane with his left turn to because he's texting his autobiography while he's swerving across three lanes we could just cross his ass off before he even got here man your daughter's gonna be that girl in Starbucks it stands in front of you for 25 minutes get to the front line and then looks at the menu and then goes what's in a latte what you're not welcome on the planet sorry you're hard to hear though wouldn't it be hard to hear mr. Titus we've tested the fetus want you to know that your son he's gonna be a break tapper [Applause] are you sure that's not his mother's side I guess we're gonna have to try it's gonna happen do not be naive cuz they're mapping out the genome right now they're figuring about what all these genes do they're figuring all the good genes and all the douchey genes and one day they're gonna call it one day you know good you know because the terrorists tell us all the time sorry CNN tells us all the time running out of food running out of water we don't have enough too many people China has let me get everybody to one kid right now and try to go on kids so one day when you want a kid they're gonna call it they can say hold on we need to test it and if your kid doesn't fit in the genetic parameters it's not welcome to the party but on this big blue rock you know if your kid's got a propensity towards serial killing not welcome here if it's gonna be addicted to crystal meth you know or little you know to live near a 7-eleven not welcome if it's gonna have a domestic violence problem and or be a family law attorney out by the way if there's any family law attorneys here [ __ ] you I really mean that but that's what's gonna happen they're gonna call it one day we're getting overpopulate that's what's gonna happen or let's go the other way let's see some crack-addicted stripper is gonna give birth to the next you know you know John F Kennedy the Nexen Martin Luther King when settle in and that poor girl died during her daily pimp beating we isolate her give her everything she needs and once the kids born we abort the parent cuz there's some parents that need to go and after about 25 years of my new legislation what would happen is the only people left on this planet would be the most amazing incredible people of all races people up to one thing evolving this human race to the next level in love hope and peace and there would never be anybody left on this planet who would have the balls to walk into a house of God and shoot a man down in cold blood I'm sorry I'm sorry late term abortion in cold blood am I out of line here we've all been somewhere in the last couple of months in public scene somebody's little birth defect just running around and prayed to God for a late term abortion rule I'm in the DMV a while back no why am I in the DMV cuz I'm a patriot and I protest speed limits by exceeding them all right now if you're gonna join me on my quest little tip when the cop walks up to give you the ticket do not tell him you're the Nelson Mandela of the highways because he will impound your car and give you a DUI so man the DMV dealing with this room full of adults like this not half as happy as you guys one kid one no five-year-old OFAC and I have no issue a little fact it's some of them really cute this kid not cute man this kid was the grand marshal riding the fudge float in the juvenile diabetes parade I'm sorry he had no bone structure man he had no chance no elbows nothing he was he was Jabba the fat who got do got boogie this kid he was a peanut M&M and tennis shoes that's it [Applause] but I had no problem with that it was his behavior his right hand hold the Snickers bar the size of a Louisville Slugger it was a survival Snickers bar man I've said Snickers and Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday friend left hand holding the Tickle Me Elmo doll you pull the string and it talks as if he's done something to it because it doesn't talk word anymore man he pulls a string and it doesn't go sounds like an angry drunk Catholic priest and here's what this child is doing a room full of adults here's what he's doing he was making the DMV worse and then he goes down leaving and he heads for the door he's five now my father would have let me leave and I would have been run over in the parking lot by a student driver then my dad would have taken an orange safety cone scooped up my remains and buried me under a headstone I said hey he wanted to leave this kid is a heading for the door and I'm watching his dad his dad is in line his dad is third in line I know and he's one of those new-age time mount dads that we developed in the last ten years since like oh yeah yeah yeah he's wearing a shirt made out of organic hemp and regret he's got on Crocs [Applause] perfect little soul patch he looked like that dad that volunteers to pass out the trophies to the losers in Little League and when did that starch where can we start giving out trophies for sucking because I would have been a legend we'd had a 20-foot mantle in our house man over the fireplace there's rice like that baseball there's rice like dat football there's rice luck in soccer there's where I dominate for 10 you're sucking at speaking English to any one of the female sex I'm proud of that when they had to retire my server a vinyl reflective bomber jacket said Corvette right on it anybody think it's a good idea to get a trophy for losing it's not a good idea that's a communist idea man you don't get a trophy for losing you get pizza and you shut your ass up yeah [ __ ] at you on the way to the pizza parlor you get out he goes here's a dollar go play those video games I'm gonna hit on this waitress and get drunk it looks like my kids not getting a scholarship trophies for losing what the hell happened to us man it's time to take American tennis my daughter played soccer last year last year they were horrible this year by the way just to be clear out of 160 teams they came in third pretty cool but last year they sucked it was lost seven out of ten games the three games they won they won because when the other teams showed up they didn't have enough players to legally play but that's a W in America right now and my kid was the best kid on the team and I know I sound like I'm being a dad but at least my kid chased the ball up and down man it was a co-ed team and our goalie the whole game just doesn't go into this balls whipping around his head all right forward would stand where he was supposed to stand but if the ball went away too long he would start to drift and then he start watching the game in the other field and picked his nose I never saw a child love picking his know this kid picked his nose like his skull had a clitoris man and I'll be honest I'm not the dad to half of that game the balls over here [ __ ] I didn't get it go to all the game by parental petition restraining order whatever they call here's the good news my daughter became a team player man she made these friends that she's still friends with it was phenomenal I met some parents we laughed our asses off it was great so we get down with the season I gotta hunt you know this was fun let's go pick a new sport you're gonna suck at cuz you're eight come on she goes no dad you got to take us to the trophy ceremony and my first thought was my god they're gonna make you watch the talented kids get trophies that is brutal and humiliating and I love that that's right cuz maybe you'll feel some humiliation and you'll play better next year alright let's go to the trophy ceremony yes and when she stopped crying she said no dad we get trophies and it just came out I went for what [Applause] and when she stopped crying she said because we participated really is that where we're at in America now in ten years we lost that and I do really even abrecan's don't participate we dominate man Russians put a satellite around them and we land on it take that [ __ ] really participations enough now really that we're at everybody shows up and gets a trophy really let me point something out France participates anybody wanna be France participation what the hell happened to us man you participate you know you know I have some issues with this and I just don't have comedic issues I have social fabric of this amazing nation's issues man because if you're in here right now and you actually believe that every child deserves a trophy because his self-esteem is important to everybody else and I know he's 420 pounds and he's never eaten an apple in his whole life but gosh darnit there are no losers if you think that I want you to remember tonight's show when that child is 32 years old standing in your kitchen because it still lives with you and it's asking to borrow another hundred dollars because it just can't seem to get a job doing this you know what scares me worse what about the other kid what about the kid that busted his ass the kid that was doing laps in the womb prenatal that can the kid that got up for an hour before school and just winged it football through a tire for an hour that kid gets the same crap pass trophies just spinning nose picking vampire really he's only gonna take that for so long then one day during his senior year in his home at class he's gonna walk in there with a shotgun and an overdeveloped sense of competition we're all so much in this five-year-old running across the DMV his haulin ass his dad leaves the line search chase yeah it was like this weird like urban national Geographics Ville man kids run and dad's hopping a ropes to get to a man kid gets to the door touches the door all the father does is put his hand on the kids shoulder the kid goes and I swear to God if that father had punched that child I would have testified it was self-defense Your Honor I saw that child try to kill that man thought he was gonna beat him to death with that Snickers bar we were all afraid for our lives that man is not an abuser nay I say hero but it doesn't end there ty goes no dad you're a frickin mom's a frickin and this whole place is a freaking you know if you're already so low on the parental totem pole skill-wise that you're just letting your child scream fricken in a public place just let him say [ __ ] he's already going to prison don't make him a bottom bunk too oh I'm sorry the guy walking around the prisoner saying fricken 'he's wearing a halter top and has a lot of cigarettes for services rendered so now I am waiting for some parenting cuz I want you to take one quick second and think about what would have happened to you at five years old if you did this in a public place nuff said so I realized the DMV is about to give fun a sentence rarely said and I watched this dad walk over to his kid and he walks over with purpose and he leans in and he starts to negotiate with a five-year-old Colton Colton Colton focus now you tell daddy what needs to happen to transform this behavior please please pick me Colton cuz I will save your life with what I have to say and it was at that exact second I decided to write this show cuz I realized we're about to go extinct yeah drink up cuz it's [ __ ] over man I'm seriously man this is what this was gonna be we're gonna turn it over to these kids really you know piss me off more than anything no one said anything that was the weirdest part as no one said dude deal with your kid no said sudden you listen to your father cuz I would have changed everything everybody's kind of turned away and I realized oh my god the village is dead we give a crap about one thing ourselves and that's it man after 9/11 we got scared man I got a prick mind gotta make sure I'm okay you know I don't remember time like this no one got involved I don't know more time like this man I I didn't grow up that long ago I'm not saying I remember in the 30s it was a lot different one decade we lost it man growing up in my neighborhood we didn't have two parents in my neighborhood we had sixty parents in my neighborhood and if you got out of line and your parents weren't around somebody pinch-hit for them sometimes actually hit for them I remember getting drugged down the street by a neighbor I didn't know what are you doing what are you doing taking this your dad no no my dad please no yeah put me in a basement rape took me took me right to the front door mr. Titus hi we caught Chris down the street setting cats on fire thanks for bringing the home Randy Chris I want you to go in the garage get some gas Lynx I'm gonna show you how a cat feels [Applause] yeah I didn't get to negotiate how much gasoline I'm not kidding about my father much at all I'm really not some people here know my dad I'm not kidding about my dad my my dad was intense man my dad used to beat other kids asses in supermarkets yeah yeah haha I forget that was gonna be up there you know why cuz my father truly believed it took a village to raise a child and every village needed a rogue sheriff who played by his own rules first time I saw my father hit another kid I was nine years old now why didn't my dad wait till I was nine to start hitting other kids because at nine I was pretty well behaved because I knew what could happen man so he had to keep his skills up hitting other children you can still pull my father's fingerprints and DNA from the back of my skull I never got a hit once in my life but I got popped quite a bit he got away he got off of the hook on that child abuse semantic loophole I had these things my life I called grey Ares where I can remember smart enough to my dad and I woke up in the third grade I'm not dead but I'm a hazy for like a year and a half when I was 13 I got in his face I'm a man now and I woke up in the third grade I was making a hand turkey [Applause] so in the supermarket one day and by the way if before we go any further I want you to know if I'm in your lovely town this week and I happen to see one of your children running wild and I don't see you there going down in the distance in addition chicken here we then you're gonna come run around the corner what happened I don't know I was looking at DVDs and he tripped any felony slid on his face with someone kicked him against that kiosk I don't know he was out of control where were you cuz that's your fault and I'm not saying this because I think your kids are brats I'm saying it cuz I can it didn't get a run wild as a kid and it pisses me off I'm taking my revenge as an adult running wild in a store my father I got stood next to the cart that was it didn't walk in front of the car cuz ever just run you over with it didn't walk behind because if you just stomp your ass out of the way man next to the only reason my dad ever let me walk away from the cart was in case I needed to go get him a beer to help him make it through the store so one day on the supermarket at the register end come around the corner other end of the our dairy section woman comes around her kid single mom I know she's a single mom cuz my dad trained me well he was like [ __ ] si si man you can always tell a single mother in the supermarket it's noon but her makeups really really [ __ ] she's shopping in four and she goes to click clock click clock I love olives cuz I make good martinis single mom you married woman are not shopping in heels you guys show them four year old flip-flops mismatched pink sweats no makeup on whatsoever twisty pop hanging out this side of your face one ponytail sticking out over here and you're on the phone I don't know why he doesn't find me sexy anymore flip flop flip flop soon a supermarket woman's coming at us now attached to her card as her son a little younger than me hanging off the car like that last scene in Moby Dick where the guy's stuck to the whale screaming and we're four aisles from the cereal aisle man this kid's been flipping out a long time bright red no oxygen left in his body at all and he's not moving his feet so under who's screaming as she's pushing the car you hear and I can't believe this child is pulling this off how is he doing this and then I feel my dad get target locked and there's heat coming off him and I realized this kid might get me hit you don't act like that somebody needs a beer so getting closer and closer and closer in getting close kids screaming it's the first time I life I ever saw the parental mind meld if you have kids no I'm talking about you'd be some of the kids and you're paying a bill and your kids are screwing off harder because they know you're weak and there's witnesses so in your frustration you look over at another parent for hours over and they have the exact same thing going on and you meet that parent's eyes and about 85 gigs of information goes back and forth like that I can't believe I had him you kill my not kill yours whatever I don't care they take all your money it's horrible isn't it they puke on your piss on you I want to Corvette me to be strong you too bye-bye so closer and closer close we finally meet in the middle of the aisle man carts meet and the woman doesn't say a word she just took some ID and goes my father reached over grab the kid went and I'm waiting for all hell to break loose man and the kids stopped crying like that he looks at my dad he looks at me and I look back at him like I was in when I was old prisoner war movies you know the guy that won't join the escape cuz he can't spend another year in the hole that guy [Applause] Godspeed to you though then the kid whips on his mom and his mom turns on my father and she gave my dad her phone number and I hated my step-brother Gregory so much of this father negotiate with a five-year-old at the DMV and had this moment where we've all had this moment your life something horrible happens and you have to do something that human thing comes up on you what I wanted to do was stand up like William Wallace in Braveheart I wouldn't let this little bastard rule or deal the experience he's only five years old he's not supposed to be here for another 11 years let's get him well it sound like everybody else I just went now what happened next put me over the edge because what I think should happen this guy should have grabbed this kid should have walk them back into line with him stood him next to him and proceeded to do angry consonants keep it simple except I knew and my father could no longer form a word I was about to visit a gray area instead he escorts the child back to where we started and sets him to sheets from me and walks away and I didn't mean to do it give me some more something happening used to react and all of a sudden you find yourself halfway through what you shouldn't be doing but the trains rolling so he'll blow the whistle the dad walks in the kid goes [Applause] shut the Frick up first of all you're using it as a noun and it's an adjective you fricking motard now do you see your mom and dad in line look do you see them they're here because something's wrong and they're trying to fix it and you know what they're talking about right now killing you so if you want to save your own life you were gonna shut up and be a good boy do you got it you ever heard of a late term abortion yeah and this kid you know what made me sad this kid and obviously never been talked to he's he just just flipping out and he squeezed his hand and his Snickers went flaccid it just went [Applause] he goes okay okay I'll stop good boy I get a trophy [Applause] no but you can participate and shutting the Frick up so now wait for that person to show up and if you have kids this person's head welcomes you the person I'm about to describe is never a parent they are a substitute teacher green piece of board and lesbian Birkenstock wearing psychotherapist my god did you just be to a child like that that was horrible you've just destroyed his life for the rest of you don't you think in therapy for years oh my god and I'm waiting for their show because I'm gonna punch him as hard as I possibly can figure I hit him hard enough they'd you know I Drive them to their own little gray area and I can just run but that person doesn't show it I'm looking around I look over here and everybody in the DMV who's sitting along this wall is looking at me like I'm the Messiah [Applause] thank you can we touch the hem of your gown now some parents right now are thinking wow if you get to my kid I would punch you in the face and if you're thinking that you're part of the problem cuz I believe I think but I believe there's a line you don't guys you don't touch someone else's kid there was a guy in Walmart a couple years ago that slapped that two-year-old he did just slap that two-year-old he slapped that - you're like he was Chris Brown and a Three Stooges movie that's Rihanna's favorite joke you don't touch someone else's kid but here's how I feel about this whole incident if anyone in this room or watching right now ever sees me in public with my two little ones and you see my kids acting like jerks or Charlie Sheen I'm gonna give you permission to do one or two things or you can improvise dealer's choice whatever I picked these two for your own protection if you see me doing something I should be doing my kids off somewhere doing something they shouldn't be doing I want you to walk right up behind them and flick them in the ear as hard as you can cuz it hurts like hell but doesn't leave a fingerprint and you make a hard right and you just go or if you weren't a good size class ring I want you to walk up and just funk them right on top of the head cuz it's still soft up there like a reset button and their behavior will reset now they may say daddy that guy to me and I may run and check the security cameras but if it was a clean head I will pay you 20 bucks are we ready to be the village again are we ready to be they are just running stuff man so I'm getting my ass kicked by this fat kids dad in the DMV oh now he wants to discipline someone that day made me think what kind of dad in mind I realize I'm an immersion dad you know my ex-wife would call me a prick but but I think immersion dad I don't believe that a child needs a bunch of training or a bunch of the psychic of vowels or you know the every hip pad you could possibly get if you want to do something let's go balls out let's do the whole thing my five-year-old last your dad I want to go snowboarding I said all right getting a helicopter took them to the top of the ridge pass we'll be back you take someone who doesn't know how to snowboard to the top of a mountain hand them a snowboard and leave they will learn how to snowboard an E and kill a deer and survive on his own for two days he's a badass you know I believe when they do wrong they know they do wrong I have good dad face man you know I've really good to have what what do you think and I've learned that yelling doesn't work man is he come here did you just lie to me let me tell you what's gonna happen right that's what I just learned and the first time I did that oh my boy came off the ground like that father and the hardest thing was to not laugh I can't even look at you I believe when they're wrong they get told they're wrong I believe when they're right they get told they're right when they do something great I'm all over him I saw my dad blew up man my dad all right even if I got a C had to be a beef I got a B you had to be a if I got a a I had to be straight if I got straight A's I had to have to teach her do him whatever it was I'm lying I never got an A in my life but my daughter did last semester straight A's couldn't believe it nine years old I like oh my god that's phenomenal you're are you Wow whatever you want babe did you get a day for yourself she goes dad I want to go to the water park I said all right let me get my vaccinations nothing better than swimming and others your and this is phenomenal I've never seen a pool with a head before anybody huh and I'm walking around this water park and you know what there's no normal kids ribs are out of style man there's all these big monster just just juvenile manatee things just walking around everybody's got a doughnut or a chip and their bathing suits man you know there was petty files in the parking lot just throwing up then I'm done I'm done man I'm gonna sell the balloon animal business I'm done with this climb it up to the slide on the fourth level there's a seven-year-old popping a nitroglycerin man this tube is heavy we're killing a man or killing a huge kid we're killing them you guys know this is the first generation and recorded American history that will not live as long as the generation before them cuz the way we fed them in the way we exercise them and I'm not saying some of them don't need to go but not all of them my god man they're do they're monstrous man they're they're huge I can't I can't even fathom how big these kids are sometimes it's time to knock the donuts and cookies out of their hands said it driving their ass to school tether them to the bumper and make them chase you that's right you have a rear-view they start to stumble you just back it down there driven to school everyday BC driven to school everyday hell I'd to walk to a bus stop now when I first wrote that joke the third time I did it from the middle of the room this voice comes out we didn't have much one schooling the whole state we had to walk do you tell your little bus story fruit cup go ahead I felt like a douche but my dad would open that door 17 you better make that bus stop you don't make that bus stop you better get abducted yeah that was the only valid tardy excuse in our house man if I was late for school I'd better show up with two cops and a guy handcuffed to an ice-cream truck they're so huge and I'm not just saying this for their health but as a parent you can now get put in jail if your kid gets too fat yep woman in North Carolina got put in jail cuz her son got a little fat well he was 555 that's not a little fat nobody twelve should weigh more than a jet ski that's in the Bible but she didn't let that happen when a kid was nine and he was 320 he was making decisions in that house Daniel put down the cap do we love our kids that much I don't love my kids that much let them kill themselves man yeah and this woman knew something was wrong with her kid when he was 4 he didn't have to Domino's pizzas and go five five five did she just love him that much oh my God look at my little boy out there on the big wheel yeah that's mine with the man boobs look at here yeah he's big he's got a thyroid thing he's part sharp a puppy I don't know what it is he's all wrinkly now he lost his butt crack like a year ago now he just kind of hosed him off and ShamWow I tell the story because I was a fat kid 6 7th 8th grade I was huge I was good and my dad was never nice about it I was not his chubby buddy he didn't give me fun time to find myself to my face and in front of people call me fatso and lard ass and Hindenburg which I had to look up son of a [ __ ] he's insulting me historically we go school shopping when you're a fat boy there's one place in America you could shop the Sears husky department I hear the pain it's okay yeah thanks serious we're calling it a husky not more to love Department I already know I have a big bulbous ass but you put a little tag on the top my jeans that said husky I want to just point an arrow down to my big ass thank you serious for buying my future therapist a new ski boat and we would walk into this here so husky departing for school closing my dad was never cool never stealth here's how my dad would walk me into the sewers let's get apart because you want everybody know all right I've got a fat ass kid need some fat ass pants first fat ass can I get some help please yeah just give me a like tarp and some bungee cord wrap up like a little turd burrito can I get some out dad shut up shut up and tell them no quarter or he keeps wearing out the thighs can I get them out and you know what after the third year of that humiliation I got so pissed off and I got so angry I started like working out and eating right which made the dreams of stabbing him a lot more vivid oh yeah I'm screwed up for life mentally but I look good actually I'm screwed up for life immensely I got to be honest with you I AXI from the time I was 10 to 10 I was 28 years old I really thought my father wished me dead my brother's here - he shot thought the same thing seriously yeah I just thought you know my dad he said a single father didn't want me man and nobody you know ten to twenty eight twenty eight years old to have that going on in your mind still not a good thing for a grown man and I knew things started going sideways because the voices in my head head started singing put the gun to your head and pull the trigger under your chin and the hole will be bigger [Applause] and then my imaginary friends staged an intervention look Chris we don't exist but if you don't clean up this attitude we're gonna leave and then my real friends gone by they're like dude you're intense man you're defensive it's like hanging with Gary Busey at Mardi Gras bro I want you to take the seminar and one of my friends are taking this house I'll take the seminar you know why cuz I want them to validate what I already thought about my dad I take the seminar they hear about my life they go wow your dad is a douche here's a receipt you win ha ha so I'm in this seminar you got to share about your life man I'm full out I'm like yeah man my dad he spent all his money fighting my mom for custody so when I got older it isn't enough money to go to college because he was still paying lawyers off for like 12 years man ready get us all man 80 and I'll have a degree in anything and the guy was like whoa you're dead spend all this money to get custody of you I know right and then it was like you're too fat you too slow you're too stupid you better work hard to everybody cuz you don't have anything of anybody come on pick it up pick it up pick it up loser let's go pick it up pick it up pick it up loser and he did it to me every day in my life they're like whoa your dad is a single father was with you every day of your life that's how much he hates me man [Applause] [Laughter] and I get that kind of crying I look up in the whole seminars looking at me like this and the guy goes well that's one interpretation but how about this how much someone who's never there hate your guts but someone who spent all their money and was there every day probably loves you more than they love themselves you douche I'm paraphrasing the last part and I had this crazy moment where everything I'd thought about my dad since I was a little kid shifted man the polls just switched and I was like oh no no no you know what I did not come here and pay you people money to tell me the truth now what the guy goes you got to call your dad no that was a problem because the last time I talked to my that was two years earlier and we ended that conversation with a fistfight now I thought everybody would understand this when I started talking about this cuz here's how I was raised you know the cops show up on Thanksgiving your mom shoots and kills her third husband you fight your dad and you're a man but someone said no that's not how he was raised so my car had broken down on my dad's house I'm 26 I had to drive back to Los Angeles Mike Ryan I got it my was working I don't like crazy and instead of helping me my father would come out every 20 minutes and do this you fix it yet loser didn't think so and you walk back in the house come about 30 minutes later with a fresh beer hey why don't you just sniff the brake line so it rolls over you put you both out of your misery and you walk back in the hand come back out with another fresh beer you know monkeys could have built robots by now I didn't walk back in that then about 4 o'clock after doing this all day he comes at hey let me tell why you such a comedian as a mechanic loser and I stood up when come on batch I could have said dad could you help me but instead I chose come on [ __ ] and we had a white-trash carnival on the front lawn my brother Dave was there and my deaf of the day smokes a lot of pot and even he was upset he's like stop it make me contemplate my existence in the universe stop it so I had talked to him in two years so I call him from the seminar this was a tough phone call man because I know I'm the one okay so I pick it I'm like hey dad it's Chris listen don't hang up your son listen I just want you to know I'm calling you to tell you something I'm at this seminar my dad goes if they give you kool-aid don't drink it that it's it's not that kind of seminar but but listen when you sit around talking about our lives and I was telling them how you raised me and he goes look Tom Cruise needs this crap but not you get out of that right now dad I'm okay no you're not I know they're standing right there all right do they have guns press one beat four yes two beats from no dad I'm okay but I want you to know something I thought you hated my guts from the time I was ten until now and I just got who you've been in my life that without you being on me all the time and making sure I did what I was supposed to do that I wouldn't be successful in a business not many people are so I want to say thank you and I love you and I think we're all holding our breath for the hallmark moment but you're gonna suffocate if there's nothing on the other end of the phone man no life force literally I'm I thought he hung up I'm like Hello and he goes what the hell did you think I was doing dumbass I was trying I was trying to raise you to not be me plus your waist stupider than me where the hell are you dad I'm okay and I love you too quit saying that alright fine if I raised you so well you're gonna raise your kids that guy raised you and I thought about it and I went hell no and I hung up the phone but in that moment I got that pure truth of this life that you only get a few times come here you got to abuse your kids a lobe a alright let me clarify it I want anybody ended up on Nancy Grace next week comedian said driving into the lake so I did you gotta suck a little trust out of them a little love man everyone swallow you know get something that blindsides them because it's a hard world out there and they think it's money and doughnuts man when they're about this tall I want you guys walk around the house just swinging your elbows like this it's not abusive it's an accident and they got to get that move down when you're sweet hey hey hi you missed me mom I'm going up swing those elbows if you don't swing your elbows and get your kids don't get that move down they're gonna be 16 years old go to across the street and get killed by a bus mirror [Applause] but you got to make it look like an accident for real because they know it's the other way what happened to parental rights in the last 10 years my god man your kids know if they show up to school with a mark on them or a bump on their arm or a shoe print on their forehead school's coming after you what'd you do to your kid what'd you do to your kid what did you do to your kid no matter what you say to the school you sound like a mob guy he fell [Applause] and I see none have I thoroughly answered the questions you have axed I think it needs to be the other way I think if your child shows through school for three months without a mark on him and no anxiety they should be concerned that you're not being an involved parent no mark on him at all that means he's not riding his bike not climbing trees not playing football he's playing video games on his ass man your daughter's under his skin knees over him from roller skating over there I think that principal need to walk right up to your kid hey Frank wow you didn't even flinch tell your mom and dad I want to see them in my office on Monday [Applause] hey hey hey Vincent nice limp you till you're dead good job Vincent's parents love him Vince is gonna be valedictorian this country this amazing country America's not built on love hugs timeouts and trophies you didn't earn this country's built on humiliation shame and fear because people said we suck that we've proved them wrong man hey you know I sweetie get this amazing country right now was it if you're successful right now and if you live in California in Southern California and San Diego and you make your rent you are successful and by the way you didn't get there because someone loved you hugged you gave you a trophy you dinner and you got there cuz at one point in your life somebody you respect it a little bit turn you and you know what dude you're a loser at second you decided to bust your ass to make them choke on that sentence that's why you don't put we don't think that Steve Jobs the president of Apple doesn't have daddy issues this guy invented something had never been seen before in his garage as a teenager man his dad wasn't been freaking out man what the hell you doing what all these wires in there where's my TV and pieces how come they're not playing football I'm not riding your bike who's just Wozniak kid are you gay what's going on [Applause] I'm gonna make so much money you're gonna disappear anybody ever heard of Steve Jobs dad ever he got deleted our country is built on striving to be better the pioneers that came out man the wars we fought we are badasses we took we took women after this guy and kept going after a man you know what and if you're in here tonight and you believe all a child needs is timeouts hugs space to find who he is and Cho fees he didn't earn then frankly you're a communist and I want you to take your chocolate and you go back to Australia I'm not sure about that last one went to California public school but you get the gist and it's hard to be a parent man you parents that have got a kid to adulthood holy crap it's amazing because you got to bust your ass to get a kid to adulthood or you could take an uh prescription medication just think you're being a good parent mommy hasn't medicine go play oh yeah our country is high right now man prescription medication is currently was reported I checked it on the Internet number two killer in America prescription medication yep because the side effects poisonings and overdoses men number two people at Pfizer we made the top five [ __ ] we're on your ass heart disease number two killer man we haven't lost someone to heroin in a while but just the last couple years Brittany Murphy man prescription drug overdose Heath Ledger prescription drug overdose man greg Giraldo brewing comedian prescription drug overdose michael jackson prescription drug overdose Keith Richards still playing his ass off Courtney Love still standing as stairwells thinking they're escalators [Applause] it's broken [Applause] USA Today reported two out of three people currently taking antidepressants is still severely depressed let me say that again two out of three people coda taking antidepressants is still severely depressed that's like buying a 6-pack of beer and four of them sober you up I'm Way more alert so they came with this new drug called abilify and these drug commercials we're one of the very few countries on the planet that allows them to actually advertise drugs on television you know and they're so good at it cuz these drug commercials never show something getting medical attention ever ever didn't tell us about man woman's walking on a path you know she's she upset or concerned or what the hell then it's like squirrels aren't around yeah what the hell and the guys that do the voiceovers aren't men they are hypnotic or I would sleep with these guys is your antidepressant making you depressed do you think by law the squirrel should lead any go we can't believe we said it either well if it is top it with abilify and get back on the path to happiness okay oh you want me to take an antidepressant on top of the antidepressant that's already making me severely depressed isn't that like a suicide speedball hey how about you just beat me to death with a 9-iron and save me the copay and these antidepressants my mother by the way it just was was was a manic-depressive schizophrenic who would not take her medication and asked my dad one time dad asked my wife she wouldn't do it he said here's what she said he said well I don't take it cuz you don't know how high my highs are and you'll never know how low my lows are and the weird thing is I get it you know these drugs just get you in the middle man that's they kind of take the highs and lows out so you can maintain man you know I want a heartbeat life I don't want a flatline life not on my tsunami heart be like my mom had but I don't want to drink that mellows me I don't like that pops my ass out of bed at seven am makes me do laundry give me that drug man give me something to cook get off your acid don't I would take that all day with you something that something that made you made you do your taxes and not be afraid it's january sec you know my taxes are finished thank you get off your acetone because we have drugs for stupid if there's a drug out there for something called restless leg syndrome really this is a problem I didn't know that I've never met one of these people in my life are they locked away in a camp somewhere till they finally cure this are they on an island just staring through the barbed wire at us one day I hope the telethon raises enough money this year restless leg syndrome I want restless leg syndrome cuz I hate doing cardio I like to take too much get off your asset on crap oh crap oh crap I'm gonna run him 3 to 40 and paint Oregon I'll be back when you take it off your ass tiller in a second wouldn't you in a second man and by the way I want to say one more thing before we go any further my mother was a manic depressive schizophrenic who after a stint in prison shot herself my sister was an amazing poet beautiful girl who was raised by this woman and one day her boyfriend broke up with her the fourth time in three weeks so to show him she went to his house open up his drawer got a handgun sat at the end of his bed and blew her brains all over his headboard I just went through a divorce five years in court cost me two and a half million dollars if anyone should be forced by law to take antidepressants instead I chose to be an antidepressant and you can take me with alcohol give me a drug I want man get off the acid I would love that warning get off your acid notice for people suffering from laziness fear feeling like a loser or live with your parents when you 32 years old side effects have get off your acid don't include joy happiness sense of accomplishment and being attractive to the opposite sex you actually don't need get off your acid on if you just get off your ass ask your physician if get off your acid on all of the prescription medication are part of a multi-billion dollar conspiracy by the drug companies keep you unhealthy and unhappy except for vicodin which is a gift from the baby Jesus and they could do it man tomorrow they could do it man these technology they know with these all these elements do they can make a drug that would pop our ass out of bed make us work all day we'd make money we'd be happy but they'll never do it because then they couldn't control us and I didn't realize this until I stopped taking my medication technologies out of hand man USA today again said technology is moving twenty-two thousand times faster than it did in 1900 Oh would you guys feel that that was all our phones going obsolete it's a crazy man and we got to be connected don't you got to be connected got to have it every time the new one comes on what is that give me some of that it lands planes I want that it's just a phone no it's not it's gotta have it man got to be texting faster cut up you texting faster maybe one day man they could just take my friends brain and put part of it in my head so I can think their thoughts as they think them but texting doesn't connect is texting disconnects I love texting you know why some of the calls I don't want to talk to I wait for the hang-up and then I text back what when a few would have been so much easier we've lost the ability to speak to each other we need to admit the I person man I'm in Costco what I notice is we're evolving into these praying hunched over mantis beings everybody's in Costco on their foot even families are on their own phones than this like yeah I just wish my car three feet forward I guess about 79 rolls a toy for think about 10 and then behind them these other idiots with their hands over their ears with the Bluetooth avatar people speaking loudly to nobody like psychotic well-dressed hobos just walk it around and they're speaking louder than anybody should speak unless they're warning the population of a nuclear attack I like to walk right up to these douchebags and finish the other side of the conversation for hey man you want to come for dinner I would love to come over for dinner [Applause] was that four or five o'clock you're moving kind of fast do can you hold on for a second sure I got nothing to do till dinner now dude I'm on the phone oh I'm sorry should I bring red wine or white wine for dinner and I talk about revolution and I mean it man it's time for us to stand up and take America back it is man but you know what it's hard Libya shows us what happened in Revolution people get shot so we're gonna start at the basic level the stuff that causes cancer to all of us that we don't bring up in public from now we're doing it but you got to use this because they'll keep you safe someone cut you off online the supermarket what a dick yeah should beat your ass in front of your girlfriend but you can't laugh but the technology we could take our country back in one day man they would never get over so again man we'd make them do what they want we have these phones if we email that everybody we knew they knew they knew they knew six degrees of separation we could take our entire country back in one day I say we do it on Wednesday because I don't want to screw up the weekend and all we're gonna do is gonna email buddy we know make a plan I'm gonna just shut the country down on that Wednesday from 2:00 to 4:00 o'clock that's all we're gonna do you know and then we're gonna do what send out a keyword trophy's when you get that keyword you just whatever you're doing you just stop if you're driving you pull over every freeway in the country just empties out man you know seriously man you know you're shopping you just stop shopping man no money spent for two hours everybody stops working man they can't fire all of us and then a four o'clock go back to work like nothing happened man our government would have an aneurysm man I'll call the Marines back I don't know what the hell this was and then the next day we send the president in a text message not from my phone cuz I don't want to get shot and it simply says mr. president we shut it down for two hours you the house and the Senate don't start doing what you said you were gonna do and what we elected you to do then the next time we shut it down for a month you don't run it anymore we do lol as Thomas Jefferson also said he said when the people are afraid it's tyranny when the government is afraid is Liberty yeah you know what happened the very next day after we did that cell phone thing cell phone laws would change and I would disappear I'd be hanging out with Steve Jobs dad somewhere where are we I don't know but it's pretty well-designed innit my gay son bill tea but that would be a non-violent revolution of McGann D and Martin Luther King proud and the problem is we'll never do it again because they're not those people anymore man you know what we all have cell phones and big-screen TVs and there's a Taco Bell every 15 feet and I would much rather give up my freedom to give up my [ __ ] yeah true and we used to be the best at revolution we were amazing at it but we took the country in revolution my god we had a civil war we were so fired up we fought ourselves no one else wanted a piece of like me and you let's go we fought the British over a 2% tax increase that's us put us over the top 2% really I didn't know that cuz I went to a California public school - we were dicks 2% they like take the t-mac - [ __ ] that's right we'll go to Seattle open Starbucks and rule the world I'll bite you're amazing now with the Patriot Act we get naked in the air important we don't [ __ ] at all okay so hold on you're gonna violate my constitutional rights then you want me to walk this machine that's gonna give you a naked picture of me and it's gonna give me cancer okay wow that was tumor licious thanks a lot hey I think I have enough time for my flight to go pee blood thanks a lot you know the best countries at revolution are right now the Middle East man David cause these phones man they started seeing what people live here are showing them this is what America is they're like holy crap where's my liberty you know they're amazing man and these people are getting till they live in a Democratic Society by the way you live at a Democratic Society and you can go vote in this Democratic Society and then the clerics are going and by the way if you go vote in this Democratic Society we're gonna kill you and then we're going to cut off your head show it to your kids and kill your kids and in the face of that these people are still going to vote some of us yeah some of us won't go bits 51 degrees outside Oh with windchill that's 48 I can't go man I I need to get my voting socks on or god forbid it's 95 in human are so high how do you vote with your underwear stuck to your butt like this I can't vote I'm gonna go home Oh God oh they go home oh sit down Oh whoo air conditioning ha ha ha ha freedom let's watch the news oh look at that Wow look at the Libyans those democratic bastards fighting for freedom Wow Oh American Idol shut up man quit talking dude shut up I'm watching my show dude quit it because if I can't hear them sing how am I gonna vote [Applause] 10 years since 9/11 we became the United States of American Idol and that pisses me off man they don't show us what's going on those guys fighting for us it pisses me off man I'm worried I'm really we don't I'm worried about if we keep going we're going and don't get pissed I'm worried what our kids are gonna say about us what is my kid gonna say about me in 25 years if we let it go how it's going hey Dad oh I thank you for that television raise me and those video games let me play destroyed my social skills oh god I can't look you in the eye that long I was a beast by a juvenile diabetes by 12 P not reeling since I was 14 that summer a fat camp on your mom vacation in Italy without me that was Stella I know you're too busy build me dad you with your blogging and your internet porn marathon Jed mom watching The Real Housewives of Alabama and because you're into your own thing dad the infrastructure of our country fell apart and there's no jobs anymore so me and my friend just tell each other the same latte back and forth but I read this book on America dad I decided to put myself of my bootstraps I became addicted to crystal meth and now I have my own freeway off-ramp where I beg for change I found a piece of cardboard I need you'll owe me some money for a sharpie or if we decide to not take it anymore maybe this can happen in 25 years father I just graduated from this amazing educational system in the world and I have a mild English accent the air is cleaner than it's ever been the water is pristine everyone has a job with a world leaders and technology once again father oh and that 22 year late term abortion rule is incredible father there's no more douchebags now father in history class they said 25 years ago there was a revolution father were you part of the revolution well yeah I mean some people from Escondido well let me ask you this father after the Revolution did you receive trophies yeah I got you and all I had to do was participate because we can now we have the internet we could talk to everybody all over the world like that now the internet we forgot how cool it is we had this thing in our house right now that you go to and you can get any question ever asked from the beginning of time answered anything how do I fix my car I want to pay a guy clicking clack what is my arm hurt clicking clack what are these bumps on my anus clickety clack saved my life do you realize college is so expensive but if you wanted to you could download all the forms all the tests everything you want from the internet for nothing and you could become a PhD in about three years and instead we're using this amazing tool to argue that Superman can beat up Batman which is a true Superman we'll kick Batman's ass then he would rape Alfred just to make a point you know why no rematch then you got beat up and your manservant got raped you're not fighting that guy again game set match Superman you can read about it in my blog anyway and I'll use it for is bitching we [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] the Internet oh my god the haters that live there [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] you know that's all we do is [ __ ] man that's all we do you know the terrorists tell us sorry Fox News tells us all the time it's illegal integrations fault that's where the countries like it is no it's not it's not illegal immigrations fault it's our fault for going to Home Depot picking up six of those guys to build an unpermitted bathroom on the house we can't afford that's the problem that's a problem it's not it's not the Democrats of the Republicans that just Coke and Pepsi man same crap different can we keep both the same guys in man you know yeah do it you elect me to do the checks in the mail I didn't know she was 17 blah blah blah you know and it's not person's health care's fault they do puzzles weren't to take down health care really it's not health care's fault it's our fault that a lot of us can't get out of bed without a prozac then it much would eat a xanax then we go home that night to make love can't do that what a cialis or viagra then we gotta get six hours of crap sleep pop two am here for that wake up the next morning with a line of cocaine which is the only organic thing we're putting in our bodies anymore then we got to give our kids to ritalin say don't go to school and stab their teacher who's trying to have sex with them that's the problem and by the way you're supposed to have anxiety did you know that you're supposed to be worried that the rents not going to get paid cuz that's how the [ __ ] rent gets paid you are you're supposed to worry about your kids and worry about what's going on that's how everything works out okay do you realize if the cavemen had these drugs we would already be extinct because the last saw going through the last cave man's mine would have been huh that Tigers running right at me and one day one of these kids was these little fat doughy video-game-playing peanut allergy having kids I don't remember that in fourth grade during PBJ day body bags being taken out of the school one of those kids is gonna be President got cold in here didn't it and he's gonna have a lot of trophies but he's not gonna know what losing feels like ever have humility or half Grace and one day something other country's not gonna do something right and he's gonna get the nuke button and we're gonna be so high we're just gonna watch and is that nuclear fireball rips the flesh from our skeletons our last thoughts gonna be pretty colors but what if we stopped it right now what if on this 4th of July we decided we're gonna do one thing for someone else besides ourselves from now on what if he made that Muslim dude down the street our best friend you worried about terrorism that Muslim guys lived there for years my easy to pull the trigger right now but you worried about terrorism that guy's gonna find one way before you do Hayes the Med is that a backpack that just not the backpack get that dude get that dude see you at the barbecue baby whatever said of worry about the government doing what if we all just pulled up and gave our kids school some money so they have a music program so you keep becomes a rock star and buys you an airplane man what if we spent a little time with a foster kid man or adopted a kid before Angelina Jolie gets [ __ ] all of them man it would change everything one thing and I know you're thinking Wow nice speech Oprah one thing what are you gonna do I wrote the show because Bono won't do comedy and if my show made you laugh that's enough if it makes you do one thing to make this amazing country better and take America back that's even better but if I my show that tonight is piss you off make you go home and sign in to your blog Cobra Dragon for for two and write a review about how bad I suck fine I may suck but you're part of the problem and that's what we have to do let's call it when we see it man and little things if you're in the movie theater some dudes on his phone during the movie don't get a timid a go dude turn off your phone now he may turn you and go what's your problem douche and I want you to say this my problem is people like you who actually believe that the rules don't apply to them that they can do what they want when they want is because of people like you that our society slowly getting flushed down the toilet so turn off your damn phone and I am NOT a douche I'm a revolutionary i'm christopher titus and a half through this message goodnight [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] you

Channel: christophertitustv

Views: 1,080,081

Rating: 4.7119474 out of 5

Keywords: standup comedy, comedy special, christopher titus, standup comedian, funny, stand-up

Id: JnsEyrus6jE

Length: 103min 35sec (6215 seconds)

Published: Sat Sep 14 2019