Bob Marley LIVE!!

foreign [Music] oh all right here we go good to be here i'm a lifeguard tonight here from salisbury come on god always on god i'm from a small town in maine so i'm freaking guarded everywhere i go you grew up in a small town everywhere you go you're on i went to new york a couple weeks ago i'm like i got it i got the perimeter i'm setting it i see everybody do i have my money do i my money i got my money people like how you doing good i'll tell you why my money's not right here it's all right here my wife's with me she's nervous she's got her purse through the tits move that you girls do they're not getting my cash not unless they rip a tit off of me girls this looks weird it's like you're i strap an ammo or something it'd be like if i separated my nuts if i was just like yeah i just i separate my nuts i take the chain from my wall and i just run it back through them safety first you know safety never takes a vacay good to be here my wife called me on the way down here she goes i hope you're having fun bob because uh cable tv's out up here okay well i didn't cut the cord before i left the house she goes can you what can you do i'm like i thought she was kidding i'm like oh let me try to reset it from the truck okay go ahead i'm like holy [ __ ] [ __ ] so i was like no i don't have anything i'm like okay she's probably gonna have to wait babe that's all i can do it's the third time it went out in a couple weeks last couple weeks i had it maybe three weeks ago i got the clicker you ever have the clicker in your hand when the cable goes out you become a chimp right you just i like the hard press when you go to the hot press [Laughter] we go to a different angle that's a big move right here's my other favorite move take the cover off move the batteries around that's a big one just my magical battery fingers right here so i call the cable company they don't care nobody cares anymore there's no service in america anymore nobody can you go to the gas station they don't remember back in the day and you've seen movies people go to the gas station they're right over the hose ding ding ding ding like in the 50s like five guys come out mr sandman check the windshield carl i'll buff up the side mirrors joe you gass it up lloyd here we go was just us out there by ourselves with a credit card freaking swiping at a different rate of speed trying to get the thing to go people at the next pump giving it ill-fated it's not doesn't work you got to wipe your card rub it on your pants i got my ass like i'm swiping the card or something then you got to take an sat test at the pump what's your zip code do you want a car wash the car wash i can't even get the gas i call the cable company they don't they don't answer nobody answers anymore it's all outgoing messages thank you for calling the cable company if you're having technical difficulties please say technical difficulty you ever have that moment where you got the phone like technical difficulty i'm not sure what you just said technical difficulties okay let's try something different oh the lady came on like 48 minutes later she doesn't want to be there she's half asleep thank how can i help you my cable's out babe ping it zap it hit it hard let's go sir i don't even know who you are yes you know who i am jason bourne i've got my name and number up on the screen right now ping it zap it hit it odd let's go sir do you have your account number oh yeah let me let me pull that out of my fat locker right here ping it babe zap it hit it hard sir what does that even mean then i realized our confidence in the cable company is probably a bit much isn't it this is what i caught myself saying i go send a ray up i'm sorry sir what is it afraid array sender i'm sure at this point she put me on speaker for the whole office to hear okay could you say that again sir hooray send a show i made a noise like an [ __ ] oh okay where are we sending that racer into the friggin cable sphere dude rack it off the cable lighter ping it back down to my living room that little 18 inch box from 300 000 miles into space okay sir i can't do that oh my god [Laughter] all right sir here's what i need you to do oh i'm on the payroll now over at the cable company i pay you 180 a month the only thing you should be saying to me right now is there's a guy in the front porch go let him in yeah right sir sir sir i need you to get up and go over there and unplug the cable box let me know when you're there [Music] i gotta move a 900 pound hatch first are you down there i'm getting down behind it jesus christ like a sea of cords back here friggin dust everywhere my knee my knees on a lego jeez oh [ __ ] did you find the cord you can always find the cord you have to unplug but you can't unplug it while you look at it because your head's too fat to look in the crack so you're gonna turn your head against the wall where you just feel around for [ __ ] did you get it no i didn't get it my knuckles are bleeding i got two gallons of sweat running out of my ass i love it when you get it i did it i got it okay now just plug that back in oh my god [Applause] all right what's it doing now sir now it says l29 okay that has to count backwards to zero that's that's gonna take two and a half hours i'm gonna go get my nails done okay you stared the tv like a [ __ ] just came back on what's it doing now i go not then i got nothing she goes all right i got to send somebody out oh my god all right sir he's going to be there friday between 6 30 a.m and midnight please make sure you're there or he will have to move on to the next house so friday comes my wife is like are you ready bob are you not ready or what i go i'm freaking ready for the cable guy look you don't look ready okay well how do you want me like kind of like this so no but pants would be good if you could wear pants that'd be nice you why don't you just get the door you i'm not do you have one spouse that won't deal with the public when they yeah my wife's like i'm not dealing with him i don't want to see him i don't want to talk to him i'm like okay did you date the cable guy just answer the door hang a tittle try to get more channels for free do you have problem with your cable i don't know you got any problem with that right there little cinemax huh a little showtime just go get your pants on [ __ ] so i'm walking up the stairs to get my freaking pants and then like we hear the cable truck coming down the street you would have thought my wife was being kidnapped or something she's screaming he's coming go so i'm running in in the driveway like an [ __ ] with my underwears on waving he stopped he didn't want to but he stopped rolled the window down is this the house for the cable trouble no no dude i thought it was a parade so i come out i wave to big trucks every day at noon that's a i hold the state record for the most amount of big trucks seen at noon come out there every day he gets out of the car he doesn't want to be there he's pissed off he looks let me ask you a question he goes where do the cable wires run into your house i go i i don't know dude he goes how do you not know that i go dude i don't even have pants on right now you don't know where the cable wire is going no i have no idea what i don't just peruse the perimeter of the property on weekends looking for utility entrances not just out there sunday morning honey i found where the cable wires go into the house so someone's getting laid tonight a huh cable wire finder cable wire finder cable wire finder [Applause] [Music] he goes well i got to go in i'm like oh here we go she's going to get set off so i gotta cough when i go in there to a llama i walk through the door i'm like i guess we're coming inside i just see her scurrying up i'm not here i don't want to talk to him he goes i gotta go downstairs so she comes back and anytime there's a worker in the house my wife goes into whisper mode like cia full stealth whisper mode the guy's in the cellar we're next floor up and she's like and i didn't pick up on the espionage so i answered a little too loudly i was like why [Applause] so sorry what what do you think he's doing down there it's got like a cable truck and a uniform and [ __ ] so he's probably looking at the cable stuff i would assume and she said this do you think he's going through a easter decoration do you mean do i think he's like down there touching himself looking at the basket are you dirty bunny is that where you are like a dirty little bunny huh [Music] oh you weirdo so he starts coming up the stairs and she she she peels off he's coming he's coming that's just him and i we're talking i'm not listening to anything the guy's saying because whole time he's talking to me all i'm thinking like was he down there touching himself look i expected to see like fake grass hanging out of his ass i don't know why that would be there look ap in the basement let's get this party started huh little fake grass up the ass everybody put some fake grass open up your ass so the guy the guy the guy who looks at me he looks at me this is not this he looks at me he goes let me ask you a question has anybody been down there chewing on the wires i don't know i mean i'll run it by the family but i don't i'm pretty sure my wife hasn't been in the cellar knowing on the cable wires hey bob i'm going downstairs to chilliwai for a while all right first of all my wife doesn't look like that i don't know what the hell that was i'm not great looking but i can get somebody to look better than that [Laughter] this good [ __ ] mark stop off at the hardware store on the way home try to get some more get a spool of this [ __ ] freaking nice out on the beach today bob oh my god wicked nice wasn't it yeah rained a couple days ago my mother was right on the phone because she's irish catholic and she's over the age of 65. so any lady over the age of 65 is freaking obsessed with the weather she calls me right up and they always want to know where it came from jesus christ bobby where did this come from i always tell you where they were when the weather changed i was out in the yard with phyllis looking at summer squash and we were like jesus christ where's this coming from here oh the summer squad she never gets to the point all right ladies if you oh if you're older than 65 we love you we want you in our lives you understand but we have [ __ ] to do we don't mind hearing your stories but it needs to have a beginning a middle and a freaking end oh my god get to the point i was at my mother's house this is her in the living room oh jesus uh [Applause] last ankle helicopter ankle helicopter i don't even know what that is promiscuous counterclockwise 360 knee rub right here with the ankle helicopter then the clicking reminder of her mouth last i want to say friday okay then just say friday widow nobody's calling you out on it it's not like i'm gonna be like you're freaking lying ma you're such a liar you're so [ __ ] it could have been thursday jesus now that i think of it because i got my hand on thursday and wednesday i bought some pork tuesday now that i think of it it absolutely must have been in your head you're you're smiling but in your head you're going doesn't matter unless we're conducting a homicide investigation it doesn't freaking matter ma i love it i feel bad in the last 10 months my mother broke both her hips and her back yeah it was horrible the first time she broke her hip my sister called me on the phone she's hysterical bobby mara's down she's freaking down mara's down hard hard fell over the water in the living room i'm like she tripped on the water no we got four cases of water i'm like what are you doomsday prepping over there she fell over the water she's down hot here's jimmy from up the street whoever that is this guy can look hey bob jimmy from up the street your mother's down bob down hard huh yeah i already heard all that what do you want us to do um probably not call the comedian how about that [Applause] so she got patched up now she's on the friggin walker with the tennis balls like venus williams down there went to pick her up the other day pulled in the yard the whole family would bring her out for supper she comes out she sees us full academy award time with the walker she sees that you know there's a [Music] [Laughter] soundtrack [Applause] i roll the window down mom come out to help you stay in the goddamn car i call my mother's house the irish catholic guilt distribution center my ten-year-old's like dad can we just leave grammy in the yard let's go i'm stopping i get out to help her in the truck i go mom i have you around the waist i got you around the waist that's not my waist because i don't wear a bra anymore so okay awesome i'm in the driveway juggling my mother's chi-chi's over here i thought it was weird you had three belly buttons ma you got a ninny and two outies my sister comes out of the house she my sister comes out cause she lives with my mother and she's almost 51 years old so that'll give you the full scope of choices that my sister's made in her life tough irish girl ready for a fight you know those girls what are you talking talking to me really oh really bobby i live with mark because i keep a freaking eye on man that's why i live with matt well you're right every night doing your fat jokes or whatever you're doing i'm keeping a freaking eye on man oh i'm sorry i'm confused that i thought you lived with mark because you were unemployed without a driver's license but [Music] i love my sister though we were very close she got she had a health scare in october it was kind of she called me out of nowhere she goes bobby you loser what are you doing i go hey what's up delicate wallflower it's breast awareness month you know i go technically it's breast cancer awareness month but no it's not [ __ ] it's breast awareness month i'm like i'm not giving it to you you just don't you're not just aware of your titties in october some way i'm calling you loser the other day i was in the shower i'm like okay i'm gonna i'm gonna jump off the call now i'm your brother this is not mississippi so i'm not interested [Applause] word for word anyways do you know my left one uh no i i don't know your left one i know you have two ones on the left and one's on the right but i don't i couldn't pick it out of like a police lineup you know now that's it right there third from the right the aurora borealis looking one anyways i was doing a self-exam [ __ ] i was in the shower doing the exam this is the noise she made to apply to the exam she goes [Music] and then there was quiet and i was like she goes are you there i go i am but i'm just trying to get over the examination noise what do you mean by that i go where was your titty i mean where you're excuse you're a weirdo bobby oh i'm a weirdo you had me on the phone 40 seconds apparently you got your tit in your mouth now i'm the bad guy my chip was not in my mouth you [ __ ] okay then you have to change the examination noise because everybody in this room and on that friggin beach knows i hope you're having fun bobby with your freaking skittles and your riddles because i think i found a lump and i'm like oh no now i'm the [ __ ] right i'm going to the doctor wednesday i go call me right when you get out because i want to know i love my sister very much right so she calls me wednesday i go what happened i'm not telling you what happened [ __ ] i go tell me what happened i'm not telling you what happened you're going to put it in your skin i will not put it in my skin but i am putting it on my skin i word for word i swear to god i went in there i took my bra off and a dog treat fell out [Laughter] okay so you're not ill that you're like there's no lump you got like a sausage on your tit you called me monday you're not showering before wednesday i do shower bobby but i got big tits and sausages are sticky it must have got up under there somehow the dogs were sniffing my boobs all week long i thought it was because they can smell illness you know how dogs can smell them one had me by the sweater get off me tim ah help me man i'm coming [Music] i'm coming to release the house double hours they came over for dinner if you're irish catholic and you live anywhere on the east coast new england you know what i'm talking about it's a weird situation it's all about health issues and they don't mind saying anything my mother's at the head of the table last sunday she's sitting there out of nowhere they're taking uh uncle richard's testicle out on friday that's awesome ma thanks for bringing that up did you hear that kids are taking uncle richard's testicle out why would you bring that up ma i'm letting you know bobby he's going to be down one for the holidays no he's going to be down one forever mice once you lose a knot that's permanent it's not like a toenail you know it's not like a pez dispenser you're not just gonna pop another nut out well i'm letting you know for when you see him but when i see him what i can ask him all his balances with one knock my sister shows up last sunday in short shorts and high heel pumps all right now listen i'm not gonna look at okay you guys will vote for that but uh if you're like 25 years and maybe 40 pounds past wearing short shorts let's just not do that she walks in the house my wife's at the sink my wife turns into a ventriloquist any time this weird [ __ ] my wife goes oh my god here we go here we go all right so shit's gonna happen here comes the [ __ ] so about four minutes after uncle rich is losing his knot my sister stands up hey bobby you got any garlic salt in here or you're like a freaking loser i go it's behind you in the cupboard turns around reaches for the garlic sauce the short shorts come up and this situation fell out it fell out like it just like it gave up it just kind of kind of went like if you had to apply a sound effect to it it'd be like if you lost on the prices right [Applause] and my wife's like oh [ __ ] holy [ __ ] holy [ __ ] holy [ __ ] and my two boys are 10 and 12 and they're an eye shot of the demon right they look up in it and they kind of look at each other then they just put their head down and kept eating like i don't know what was said holy [ __ ] do you see what i say keep your head down go [Laughter] so i did what any full-grown man would do i went over and i told my mother i this is what my mother said she goes oh that again that again like this is happening every week oh the old tumbling vagina here we go so she gets up goes over to my sister and she goes do you or do you not have any underwears on all right now all you ladies here are classic ladies you're nice ladies if i went over to you on on a holiday and you were having supper and i told you that your vagina was out your face would turn red maybe you wouldn't even look down you'd be like are you [ __ ] me right now i freaking easter my vagina's out it is right now oh my god i'm going to leave i'm going to leave i'm going to go wrangle i'm going to wrangle this put some sweats on come back for pie what time you haven't pie something like that i'm paraphrasing i don't know [Music] but my sister is like a tough irish girl right so she's not only does she not on the defense she's on the offense now she's pissed she's looking around the room trying to figure out who ratted her out and this is still out so it's like really scary you know i must have had a beat of sweat running down my face you bobby did you tell mari i don't have any underwears on i go that's not what i said i said if you have them on they're not doing their job [Laughter] this is the weird part this is what my sister said that's how screwed up my family is and by the way i'm not up here because everything's okay do you understand this is what my sister says oh really mom maybe i don't go no underwear's on no maybe i don't but once you ask bobby where my two packs are hubba bubba rob and the whole room got quiet like it is right now [Music] and i go what the hell does that mean what it means [ __ ] is when i come in here i have two packs of hubba bubba freaking black cherry and watermelon put them on the counter they're gone well where'd they go i said well i don't know but if you were trying to distract the family by accusing me of stealing your freaking hubba bubba because your vagina's out that's not an equal swap you understand sir that'd be like me saying oh your dick's out right now you go you took my charleston chewbar i'm allowed to take my penis out this is how messed up my family this is how it ended this is my mother bobby where's the goddamn hubba bubba who gives a [ __ ] ma her vagina's out my dad would have kept track of that stuff but he's gone he's been gone now for like 12 years to yeah i i could make him laugh even on his deathbed i could make him up in the hospital up there 11 mom's side wait for the nurse to walk by and time it just try to lean over dad i'm going to ask you one more time where's the money is everything okay yeah yeah we're doing good typical bat dad those dads back in the day was so freaking cool with their pants all hyped up and all sweaty and all angry tearing 100 hanging off his lip seven inches of ash going into his [Music] you eyeball never ask him a question how are you doing dad i look like i'm doing huh i got your mother over here i got my ass [Applause] very sexy i don't think my parents ever had sex i never heard anything out of that room you think 17 years of standing next to the door i would have heard something at least like a ah i think if i ever heard my parents having sex would probably sound like they're moving furniture all right listen marsha lift your end up lift it up okay back it up back it up here we go ah [ __ ] it's not gonna go it's not gonna go put it down all right pinch my finger son of a [ __ ] i'll go get some of my friends to help just leave it there walking around the house with those big dad boxer shorts remember those big dad boxer shorts with a generous slit down the front you'll be on the couch watching hee ha or some freaking mutual of omaha or something he'd come down sit down next to you you try not to look but it was like a dead squirrel on the road jesus dad you want to put a chip clip on that slit right there a freaking chip clip on that bubba it's not groundhog day over here fella sometimes he'd have like a knot that would just pop out surveillance not swat not recon you wouldn't even know how do you not know you got a nut out i would know immediately look a little breezy in here i think i got a nut out or something like ladies you wouldn't know if your vagina fell out of your shorts right well my sister wouldn't but you would oh my god what is that my vagina we'll find it marianne trace your steps back yeah now i'm kind of in charge of my mother so we brought her on a family vacation to disney world listen i love my mother but i would rather chew broken glass and do that again oh my god dude that was the worst thing we've ever done and i love my mother i do but oh you can't bring a lady in her 70s to fricking disney world there's way too much [ __ ] going on this is my mother's walking pace just before she broke her hips and everything through disney world this is my mother's walking face are you sneaking up on someone what are you doing my kids are behind and going oh my god what is she doing dad i'm like man you've got to pick the pace up a little bit we want to get through the park in three months i love the harder culture bobby it's gorgeous isn't it gorgeous i'm like the what the shrubs all the little shrubs they cut them they look like little disney characters isn't it gorgeous i'm like yeah can you just get on the monorail before i have a heart attack we get on the monorail it's completely packed very loudly this comes out of my mother's mouth when we get home i'm gonna trim my bush like goofy there's another guy on the train he's like that's gonna be a long week huh buddy yeah my kids are like oh my god here we go a different world now right right with the kids everything everything's got to be catered to just perfectly the freaking school lunches is what drives me nuts with the kids my wife's like i put like five proteins in and some carbs i think we got when i was a kid my mother would say i go what's for lunch she'd say throw some [ __ ] in a brown bag let's go shedding a brown bag that was it a brown grocery bag that was done you didn't have a 19 gallon cooler that folded into a hammock at noon my wife's like i put five ice packs in do you think that's enough i don't i don't know are we transporting a hot like what's in there i think the fluffinet is gonna make it to 11 45. the lunches and the frigging water oh my god stop with the water these kids need unbelievable amounts of every time they go on a field trip i get an email your child's going on a five mile field trip they will need seven to eight gallons per mile we'll pull up with a fire truck halfway there and spray the children down every time we leave the house my 10 year old's like dad did you bring my water bottle seriously i go no are you going to the base camp at everest you're going to a 20-minute karate class in a strip mall dude you're going to make [Applause] bottles of water this is the biggest scam in the last 50 years right here the bottle of water right like you're younger you don't remember but back in the day you could go in the kitchen holy [ __ ] dude and you could turn on the sink and water will come nowadays you'll be like there's gold on those hills you know what they do at the bottled water factory they turn the sink on and they fill the [ __ ] up then they screw the cap on and they laughed their ass off i can't believe these [ __ ] are buying this if you think there's a guy under a spring catching water it's right from fiji there's a bunch of fijians standing under a thing like lilo and stitch [Applause] gonna travel with the kids too we brought the kids we went to we went to maui with the kids i don't belong in maui look at this this does not belong we get over there oh my god this is the most common phrase heard from most everybody especially people from new england or the northeast or the east coast where we're a little bit more raw this is the most common phrase heard from all of us regarding alcohol prices are you [ __ ] me i went up to the bar i go i'll get i'll get a beer and the guy goes 17. i go no i'm going to start with one and work down from there because another 17 dollars each i'm like come out i'm tapping off i'm jabbing out here we go next morning we went down to the pool my wife throws me a long sleeve black shirt i go what's this she goes that's your swim shirt oh okay am i on a team now or what no it keeps the sun off you you're irish you know what i mean keeps the sun up in it it'll make you look good so you know what i mean she did that face like we were both in agreement as to how badly my body looks right you know it ain't me bob right you look like [ __ ] you know what i mean just cover it up you know what i mean don't you agree just cover that [ __ ] up right that by the way is not reciprocal if you're married you just keep your mouth shut with your wife you don't say anything like i would never say anything about my wife's body like if she came out of the bathroom with a bathing suit on i would never be like holy [ __ ] i'll just squeeze your bucket into that piece of nylon jesus christ have a piece of fruit once in a while did you ever hear a balsamic vinegar [Music] so i got the black shirt on i'm walking out of the room she goes you need sunscreen so she puts 110 spf on my face that's the [ __ ] they use to strike highways with i think i leave the room i got the long-sleeve black shirt up my face is well i look like a mime headed to the pool i've never heard eight people in a rogo look look look look look look i'm look an idiot the first six people i kept turning around what what what are you talking about me okay i'm an [ __ ] i got it we go down to the pool they they nickel and dime the [ __ ] out of your heart right i'm down there there's a stack of lawn chairs right i'm not lazy it's like oh they must have forgot to put these out i'll put them out it's no problem so i grabbed five launchers this guy comes out of the way hi how you doing my name's brian awesome brian how you doing i'm bob i left my name tag up in the room but good to see you do you need lawn chairs i go yes i do because what's your room number i don't i don't want them in the room brian i want them right here no i need to charge him up to your room okay um when you say charge him up to my room brian do you mean you're gonna run him up there wicked faster no there's a cost the chairs are twenty dollars per chair per person per day and i'm like he goes do you have a problem with that i have like a [ __ ] ton of problems with that brian there's five of us that's a hundred dollars a day we're there for ten days i'm not dumping a thousand bucks to freaking sit down who budgets that don't forget you're gonna need food money activities money and chair money oh i was so pissed i left i went out and got in the rental car went down the street to a yard sale i call it a living room set no i did it but that would be awesome wouldn't it just show back up at the pool with like a lazy boy small sectional hey what's up bright guy how you doing chew on this and i'm nuts here we go i didn't do that but i stopped at the store and i got a bunch of pounders bunch of beer cans in the cans brought them back put them in the ice cooler or as we call it the trash can of the hotel room made about 48 trips with a little ice bucket fill the thing up went to lift i'm like this thing's very good heavy so i'm dragging it i put it in the desk chair with the wheels and i'm wheeling it out when my wife comes out of nowhere whoa whoa what are we where are we well mr miyagi we meaning me i bring the bs down to the beach to get shit-faced okay well i don't think you can bring the death chair down the beach bug oh really do you work for brian okay well you can do that but we will not be going with you i'm like oh my god this is getting better here we go so i get down there i'm swiveling hot on the beach kids are in the water my wife's three towels away because she doesn't want people to know where to go as if they're not gonna know two irish people with milky white legs and crusty toenails are not from the same region and she's got her ventriloquist going she's like can't wait you're not just gonna sit there and drink bs all week we need to do an excursion vlog we need to excurse do you understand go over to the coupon guy and said i go what is that what is excursing she goes people do [ __ ] on vacation vlog they swim with mermaids they rip teeth out of shark's mouth they let a stingray bite them on the knots they do [ __ ] go over and set it up so i go over to the guy i go listen i don't know if you uh have this not but i need like a buy one get five free type of family coupon bogo bogo buy one get one do you have any i don't really have that the only thing i do have is a 50 family zip lining package but it's really not a great company and i'm like that's the company i'm going with probably i don't know if you've ever been ziplining before but if you haven't here's what i want you to do yeah if you haven't done it here's what i want you to do go outside and slam your dick in the car door that'll be a better day stupidest thing ever slide down a cable four seconds give them the college tuition it's over you got to watch a 45-minute safety video and i've got a stupid coconut helmet on [Laughter] the guy's like uh do you want to get a picture could i yeah that'd be good can you get all my chins try to get all my chins back up so you get my man titty in there too dude i'm not wearing my swim shirt right now so go ahead and get it i'll use it for my obituary go ahead and snap hard then we start walking 400 steps up to the platform and halfway up my wife goes that's awesome we're figuring doing it we're excursion i'm like oh my god i love that my nuts are chafing i got swamp ass i can't wait to get to the top and jump off without clamping in we get up there there's no walls on the platform anywhere and so my ten-year-old i feel him on my leg already he's like dad seriously did you bring my water i need my water i need my water there's another guy in our group that's you know like 55 years old he's freaking out because he's scared to death he won't let go of the pole he's white knuckling it hard he's over he's like can't can't can't can't can't can't like like a like a rain man seagull or something and the zip master's up there zippy the zip master looks like he just did a bong hit in the parking lot and dodge omni he comes over he's like where where are where is everybody where are you where am i find yourself find center yourself find your chewy caramel center where are we what's happening what's going on i'm like this guy's not getting it so i go over i'm like i don't know if you heard but he can't can't can't can't but we can our group can so let him can't down the stairs and let us ken because he's freaking the [ __ ] out of my nine-year-old over here the guy turns on me because you need to bring negative energy to a different part of the platform i will do that oprah but i'm telling you he can't do it he's got diarrhea running down the back side of his reeboks right now so he looks at the guy who goes what's your biggest fear and the guy goes i'm gonna fall i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die listen to me very carefully i have two paramedics down below i was like did i hear that right so i came back over i go what what did you say of two paramedics down below on the ground i go 400 feet down what are they pair a meeting if this guy falls 400 feet with this [ __ ] coconut helmet on it's a scavenger hunt at that point what are you checking his blood pressure you don't need a paramedic you need a guy with a glad trash bag and a pair of salad tongs and that is what got us removed from the platform my wife wanted to do it she wanted i just i i said whatever that's good okay i just go along with whatever she says i never say what i'm thinking to her if you're married listen to what uncle bob has to say all you single younger guys here smiling leaning forward with drive and ambition and will to live you never say the first thing that pops into your head do you understand first answers are divorce answers i'm going to give you an example [ __ ] do you want to watch dancing with the stars tonight you got to think for a second well if you do i do i'll tell you that much i haven't seen you all day i'd like to spend some time with you i'd like to have you tell me the same things you told me the last three nights in a row don't mind hearing that all the time that was my second answer you understand i never would have said the first thing that pops into my do you want to watch dancing with us i think i'd rather go downstairs and sandpaper my nuts take a low grade 40 on an orbital and bring them right down i love my wife my wife's awesome in uh january my wife uh she got the car washed in january now listen i'm not the smartest guy in the room i'll admit that but even i know don't wash the car in january if it's minus 14. i'm in the living room i'm on the couch she pulls in the driveway and she calls me up she goes hi bob i'm in the driveway i'm like wow that's awesome i'm inside so come on in we'll be together oh god i can't get out of the car okay well i can't get off the couch so two can play that game sister you better get your ass out here right now bob molly so i go out with my friggin walmart amazon you ever buy dramas at walmart any freaking design you want dale jr dr peppa 7up they slide on they're nice and silky second time you wear them you wash them they become capris they're up to here i'm in the driveway looking like a contestant on survivor [Music] they approached the vehicle she's cocooned in a sheath of ice she's yelling at me i don't know what's happening i'm like where did you go what did you do i went to the grocery store yup that doesn't freeze you in a cabin i did get the car washed okay that's it let's let's shut the case down investigation over we figured it out matlock that's probably what it was oh my god bob get me out of here bob get me out of here go to walmart get the deity go bobby go so i burn friggin rubber down to walmart i'm in my jamas when i go in which is fine because i'm fitting right in holy [ __ ] you know what walmart is like the bar in star wars that's what i figured out [Laughter] i was in there the other day i saw a guy with no ears and his wife had a hairy chest i'm not even being a dick i just can't shop when that's happening because i keep looking at home once i get in walmart two i can't get out of there you ever you ever walk by that five dollar dvd bin i can't i can't freaking walk by it i'm always elbows deep into it like i'm trying to pull a cat out of a well holy [ __ ] is that dumbo drop hold my ankle freaking ernest goes to jail dude i'll grab it while i'm down here i love the guy that man's the door at walmart too on the way out he's a firecracker huh he's barely awake thanks johnny tranquilizing when he punched in i get home my wife's drinking she's in the car still get me out of here bob i'm working scared no you look scared in there the heat cranking you got your debbie gibson cassette cranking up you're scared i was a freaking walmart and my jammers getting chased around by a guy with no ears no ears what was he doing i don't freaking know probably not shopping for sunglasses he's always sending me out for [ __ ] he's sending me to the grocery store that freaking grocery store i don't like i get weirded out in there the lobby's starting to freak me out there's way too many cleaning supplies in the lobby you walk in 14 inches of antibacterial gel mounted on the wall people are basically bathing themselves they got wipes for your cart people are scrubbing the [ __ ] out of the grocery cart i'm thinking maybe we shouldn't go into the grocery store like what the hell is in there ebola or something the other thing in the lobby is they have pictures of people that work at the grocery store in the lobby of the grocery store anybody give a [ __ ] like does anybody is anybody walking in there looking at the pictures going wow what's up what's up pete johnson's in the dairy today my guy's on my fantasy team my wife's like don't forget to get the chicken bob the one of them roasted chickens you know those little freaking roasted chickens at what point did we give up on cooking a friggin chicken at what point was that too much at one point were people like i'm not doing that i can't figure it anymore you can't do what i'm not i'm not cooking the goddamn chicken you gotta open the oven up put it in then you gotta take it back out it'll be great what if that could come at the goddamn store they do they put them under that little heat lamp in that little chicken suitcase that was a meeting about that what do you think we ought to put the chickens in well it better be nothing they're going to use two hands to put in the goddamn cart with they won't even cook the chicken you think they're going to use two hands to put it in the cart handle chicken suitcase move them [ __ ] let's go hey why don't we put some wheels on it and turn it into a piece of carry-on luggage you can just freaking wheel your chicken out well the music plays in the background let's get physical physical i wonder my wife goes don't don't screw this up all right go to the store and get some milk i'm like okay you don't have to preface it by saying don't screw it up i know what freaking milk is i know but you get dumb milk bob you get weird milk and stupid milk i want a certain kind of milk but kyle's jumping over the fence he's winking at us do you want me to take a picture with my phone and send it to your phone that'd be good yeah so i can walk around the grocery store you guys know where that says i use snow with milk guests but i don't know anymore i got married so i don't know what it but it looks like this i got our list halfway down halfway down the list it just says maxi pads that's it all right now ladies look you're looking let's see let's see let's get a little more specific in this department okay this is not 1941 with one government issue war maxi pad there's aisles of selections they got wings in them different floors call centers i'm not a maxipathologist all right i did the best i could do i came home she's all pissed cause i got the wrong brand i got uh swiffers [Applause] bob you [ __ ] these are not maxi pads okay why did it come with this applicator stick why is that there [Applause] she calls me up when i'm at the grocery store she goes can you give me a coffee on the right home bob i'm like yeah no problem i'll swing into the dunk i'll get you a coffee no i don't really like duncan no more bob can you can you go to starbucks i'm like yeah i can't go to starbucks but i don't really fit in over there i don't have a scarf and a tall pair of boots i don't generally think i'm better than the rest of the community my god i freaking hate that place i hate the music i hate oh my god you're walking oh good you walk in the music is that's not reality right like dunkin donuts is reality you walk in the employees are fighting with each other i don't know where the biscuits are theresa i wasn't even posting work today they called me a half an hour ago i ran out of minutes on my phone but now i'm the freaking bad guy right i'm the bad guy suck it suck it hard do a hat titty sucker starbucks has like a language if you don't know the language you're a complete [ __ ] right i'm in line there's a guy in front of me shiny shoes all his teeth showing off whatever walks up dismounts this wicked verbal judo of an order i'm going to get a grande vente half cuff chai uh okra machio ralph macchio uh ariana grande i'm behind him i'm like oh [ __ ] here we go because can i help you i'll go yeah i'm gonna get a lodge i thought his head was going to explode he's like a what i'm like a coffee dude you know what i want don't be a dick you know what i want i'm standing there they got couches everywhere at starbucks people are weird on those starbucks coaches aren't they they're like uncomfortably comfortable their pants the top button is undone no shoes on they got friggin extension cords running across stuff get an office you [ __ ] dunkin donut has one hard plastic chair and it's welded to a table what's the message there get out get your [ __ ] and get out dude [Music] i like the food better at dunkin donuts because i'm irish catholic so i'm used to that dried up rubbery taste i had a bacon egg and cheese there a couple days ago that's not a freaking egg i don't care what you say it's a white thing somebody took a highlight i call it a yellow in the middle that was like a four day chew i was like a basset hound trying to get peanut butter out of the bone they got food at starbucks too right but it's in a glass case like the smithsonian people stare at it like an aquarium [Music] completions of kromblata brody brody declan madison go get go get daddy on the range rover tell them tell them to bring three thousand dollars i'm gonna get some snacks [Applause] i'll give you the starbucks they do one thing better the drive-through's better they're more professional they're more articulate you pull around hello my name's zachariah i hope you're having a recycling day would you like to start with some high fiber or perhaps some water from a glacier in germany pulling a dunkin donuts just like a chalk outline in the ad three of the duncan employees are sitting on pickle buckets in the parking lot smoking cigarettes usually directing traffic go around go around she's in there she's coming right out she's taking a [ __ ] she'll be right with you that's a nice car what is that a mercades a cyan theresa pinch it off she's pinching it off she'll be right there hey listen i hope i made you guys laugh tonight thanks for coming out [Music] [Applause] everybody how was it awesome so funny theresa [Applause] have you guys seen it more than once second time first time ever third time i think the wife freezing herself in the car that was it [Music] i loved bob's conversation tonight about the [ __ ] cable company because honestly that's a real life situation that's a real life situation and at least that was funny what happens to me it's not funny no it's not

Channel: Flow Point

Views: 265,155

Rating: 4.7617331 out of 5

Keywords: Bob Marley, Bob Marley Comedy, Comedy, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, Conan O'Brien, Craig Ferguson, The Tonight Show, The Late Show, Joe Rogan, Harland Williams

Id: u-voyk2gpZs

Length: 62min 27sec (3747 seconds)

Published: Sun Jan 03 2021