Bill Burr - One Night Stand | (2005 HBO Special)

ladies and gentlemen bill bird thank you thank you all right thanks a lot thank you so much thank you for christ's sake thank you thanks a lot i'm running out of ways to say thank you for christ's sake how's it going excellent i was in a shitty mood today man it was i was watching tv you ever been in like such a bad mood that even when you're watching bad [ __ ] happening to people you're like you know what good you know i'm glad your life sucks makes me feel better about my own no you know what i was doing i was watching this uh you know those fabulous lives i was watching the the fabulous life of the olsen twins you know they're like 18 years old they're like zillionaires we got a great apartment it's making me feel like a loser then halfway through it i find out one of them's anorexic i was like you know what all right it makes me feel better you know i'm glad she's not eating i hope you pass out whack your head off your golden sink just to add to my day you know i don't get i don't get how the other olson twin only weighs half a pound more but she's [ __ ] fine [Applause] no they're so starving they're weak that's why whenever they take a picture of them you haven't noticed they gotta like [ __ ] lean them up against each other it's like they don't tip over like they're like still trying to look sexy [Applause] they're not sexy they look like aliens they are man you can't weigh 42 pounds and have your eyeballs be 28 of that weight and not look like you're from outer space like when i look at them i think if e.t was gonna have a threesome those are the two [ __ ] he'd hook up with he would he'd get that glowing finger going [Applause] now i feel like a loser man hey man i'm [ __ ] 36 i'm not married you know i'm at that age where everybody knows getting married you know let me ask you a question why the hell do people keep getting married you know isn't anybody looking at the stats i mean what's it like one out of two marriages goes right down the [ __ ] people if you were going skydiving and they told you half the parachutes weren't gonna open you'd be like yo [ __ ] that i'm not going damn now it's like i don't like those odds i get a 50 chance of splatting on the ground i'm not doing it right but there's something about getting married people just have to do it they're just like is this the line to lose half my ship awesome this is gonna be great i can't wait to lose my car my money oh look the line's moving one step closer to my own personal hell [Applause] no i don't think i could ever get married man married dudes freak me out anytime you ask a married guy what's it like being married they always tell you it's good but they always have a look on their face like they have like an appendicitis you haven't noticed that you're like dude what's it like being married like you know it's good it's good it's uh no no it's good it's enjoyable you know it's a lot of work but uh you know i think when you meet that special someone there's a connection and i can't feel my legs let me just lean over here you know a woman completes a man and some other metaphor now you know what freaks me out too really when you go to a man's house there's nothing in there a married guy's house when you walk in there there's nothing in there that even suggests a man even lives there it's all potpourri and throw pillows that stupid canopy we live in a dollhouse [ __ ] over the bed where does all the guys stuff go they just throw it out they just walk in your apartment oh my god look at all your stuff all your stuff is stupid look at all this stupid stuff wow guys buy really stupid stuff hey you want to go to the candle store let's go to the candle store wouldn't that be awesome they've been dragged into that nightmare for like an hour and a half 90 minutes just sitting there this smells like a pumpkin and that's not like a pumpkin that sounds like a christmas tree wouldn't that be great i like christmas in the apartment middle of summer just [ __ ] with your whole reality [Applause] no you know what it is i didn't have like a really good model necessarily like growing up like watching my parents they always used to argue and [ __ ] you know like i was afraid of my dad when i was growing up you know anybody have a dad like that you're just afraid of them you know not like those sitcom dads they come home the kids are like hugging their legs my dad pulls in the driveway you mean my brother's freak's like [ __ ] dad's home shut off the tv try to hide dude if i stand like this do i look like a lamp he won't see me right can i just [ __ ] chill out here [Applause] he wasn't understanding when you [ __ ] up he told you you didn't sit down while we're gonna work it out we'll just you know i still love you you what the [ __ ] is wrong with you jesus christ you're an idiot weren't you even paying attention now [ __ ] christ you're just like your mother you're [ __ ] out to lunch that was my dad no matter what he was bitching about somehow he would make it about my mother would have nothing to do nothing to do with her he could somehow find a connection and spin it back peter said i was it raining out for christ's sake i don't need this [ __ ] christ it's the same goddamn thing with your mother that woman is a [ __ ] cloud hanging over my life anytime you got an idea why she shits all over it [Applause] no he was hilarious he used to work all the time so he didn't really have like any friends or anything he used to talk to me when i was eight years old like i was a [ __ ] bartender just dumping all this [ __ ] on me like playing in the sandbox he'd be coming up i'll tell you i don't know what the [ __ ] i ever got married for i'll tell you man i'm gonna get the [ __ ] out i swear to god one of these days when get in the car i'm gonna [ __ ] drive out of here your mother's a [ __ ] billy do you realize that the woman is a [ __ ] [ __ ] is that too real for you guys you [ __ ] know what i'm talking about i will get married you know i was making that i'll definitely get married someday you know i you know i love women and everything i'm just finding i'm not like compatible with them you know what i mean if i just feel that like women have like too much energy for me you know what i mean like you can't have a day off when you have a girlfriend you don't notice that it's almost like they see that open day they're like oh my god let's go fill it up with [ __ ] no then they just come at you with one horrible idea after another horrible ideas like you want to make some sandwiches and go to the park you want to go to the container store get some containers for your t-shirts this is the worst one you ever get this one you want to go to brunch you want to go to brunch on sunday and inside you're like [ __ ] no but you can't say that right you got to keep them happy so what do you do you agree like yeah let's go to brunch what a great idea why would you want to sleep in on a sunday when you can go pay 18 for eggs now you think it now you're thinking now we can sit around to listen to your friends have moronic conversations about the eggs like is that pesto is that pesto in your omelet oh it's asparagus it's asparagus i thought it was pesto oh you just want to flip the whole [ __ ] table it's over i'm trying to learn to pick my battles when i date girls i usually argue with women all the time man i'm stupid like that you know like i dated this girl one time she was like really into like women's so we used to always have these dumb ass arguments so one time she came up to me she goes okay explain this to me bro why does a guy make more an hour to do the exact same job huh i go i'll tell you why because in the unlikely event that we're both on a titanic and it starts to sink for some [ __ ] up reason you get to leave with the kids and i have to stay [Applause] hey that's why i get the delamar now no think about it if there's a house fire it's always women and children first i got to stand there with like the back of my shirt on fire going let's go people let's go let's go so that's how i look at it no it's a dollar an hour surcharge that if something [ __ ] up happens either i can't leave or i gotta like get in the way of it to give you a head start like rabid dog run honey one mississippi two mississippi you hear a bump in the night i gotta go check it out like yes he does have a knife [Applause] anytime there's a hostage situation who do they negotiate for first well at least let the women and children go what about me bullets hurt me too why the [ __ ] do i gotta stay in the vault no that's my point man where are all the feminists in those situations you know what i mean you can't find them there are no feminists in a house fire that's a it's a guarantee you could take the most hardcore feminist some chick right in your face like he showed me to take down a [ __ ] a little short little haircut the whole nine yards right second those flames break out she's gonna twist those little hairs into pigtails no i'm just a girl i want to go play jump rope and leave you standing in a burning house like you're not flammable you know but i'm not a dick though i'm not i'm not saying i think a woman should make a doll less an hour to do the same job all i'm saying is if you're gonna make what i make when the boat sinks you better be standing right there next to me listen to that guy play the cello then you get the corner office get all the benefits or whatever so anyways i was watching uh george bush today man that guy scares the [ __ ] on me no not because like all you know all that political stuff he's just like two into jesus for me i get uncomfortable with that when people get like overly religious it kind of freaks me out you know you know what i mean like like i don't mind i don't mind when like black people get really into jesus though you know because like somehow like the [ __ ] stay spiritual you know you get a couple of good songs out of it you know make people look like they're having a good time somehow when like white dudes get tuned to jesus all of a sudden like [ __ ] catches on fire people start dying somebody says they're jesus and they try to [ __ ] every chick in the compound then the fbi's got the place surrounded that tank comes in shooting the flames out the front and i'm not saying white dudes are any more crazier than black dudes it's just that nobody's watching us that's the problem that's too much freedom it's kind of like living alone you know that same kind of [ __ ] up freedom you ever feel when you live alone you like slowly go crazy you know because you got too much freedom because everybody does crazy [ __ ] but when you live alone and start doing something crazy there's nobody there to be like dude what the [ __ ] are you doing what what is wrong with you what is that put it down [Applause] my girl's actually she's really like religious she goes to church every week and i never go and it freaks her out she's like why don't you go to church you don't believe in god and heaven and hell and all that stuff why don't you go and it's not because i don't believe in a higher power i definitely do my thing is when i go to church i can't get past the fact that i'm just listening to some [ __ ] guy you ever think of that [ __ ] when you go in there that's just some dude and people like no that's a special guy no it isn't it isn't ah he didn't he didn't like levitate down from the ceiling like this white light around him why would you listen to another human being tell you where you're gonna go when you die it's just like dude have you ever been dead no great so wouldn't it be safe to assume that you wouldn't have the slightest [ __ ] idea what you're talking about yeah you're making it up you're making the [ __ ] up you're not fooling me with the robes and the candles speaking in old english he said it thunder you wish shut the [ __ ] up you don't talk like that you're just some guy your name's jerry you played soccer you got your ass kicked in gym class and how you doing this is acting like you're special i can't do it i just i can't get past that fact i'm sitting in church this guy's name's [ __ ] cliff he's [ __ ] boring i just break the guy down and then i can't listen it's like you're going there you listen to another human being tell you what to eat and when to eat it don't eat meat this friday if you eat meat this friday you are going to hell it's like dude i'm going to a cookout on friday if you eat that [ __ ] cheeseburger buddy that is it for you but where's this guy dude i'll eat a cheeseburger whenever i want to and i'll jerk off it's my dick why am i listening to this guy i'll [ __ ] jerk off while i eat a cheeseburger what do you think about that i'm not hurting anybody why would god care i'm not hurting anybody think about it you eat a cheeseburger that's protein that's good for your muscles right and i don't know about you guys but after i rub one out i'm more relaxed i'm less likely to lash out at my fellow man i'm in a great space mentally i don't have any road rage i talk to telemarketers i'm buying the [ __ ] i think they just they just make it all up but it's weird though because i'm kind of feeling this thing because i haven't been churching a while i'm kind of feeling like you know i want to go back but i need a new religion man that's i'm kind of between religions right now you know like i used to be catholic but you know i can't be catholic anymore you know i mean once they started [ __ ] the kids i was just like all right dude you know what i'm out okay you guys party way too [ __ ] hard for me okay i got off at about 22 exits ago i didn't see that page in the book i don't know what you guys are doing i can't believe they're still in business people are still showing up name one other business that could survive that [ __ ] you think if they were [ __ ] kids at walmart they could sell rakes the next day and just try to play it off like yeah we had a little problem in aisle eight but you know we got some slacks over here we got kitchen appliances we got some hula hoops you guys saw the pope died he saw that right yeah everyone's flipping out man i thought that was a good thing i was like happy for man he was in horrible health you know what i mean everybody just wanted a guy to keep hanging on it's ridiculous they're like wheeling them from room to room and people are still flipping i can't i think he's gonna die i think he's gonna die it's like well i think he's gonna go to heaven i mean it's gotta be better than that [ __ ] i bet the last two months of his life he was just sitting in that chair going god i wish the world would stop praying for me just [ __ ] let me go good lord i skied till i was 78. i had a great life move on [Applause] so they got a new pulp now they picked another old white dude you know and uh they were actually in the running was this black dude from nigeria right they actually considering making him the pope and i was kind of hoping he was going to win you know not because i give a [ __ ] either way i just want to see all the black comics doing bits like the next day like oh why people scared now white people is scared now yeah the pope is black and [ __ ] it's gonna be a whole different story he's gonna come in with the hat to the side gonna be pumping white people in the front row gee i don't know what the [ __ ] going on because when black people go to church [Applause] could you just feel it that was like a half hour material went out the [ __ ] window the second they picked another white dude it was endless pope mobile is gonna be pimped out and you better not be shooting at this pope the black pope will be shooting back at your ass cause when white people get shot etc etc actually i have this black dude moved in my building man lives on the same floor as me he's one of these dudes every time he's he's hilarious every time he says some [ __ ] right after he's done saying the [ __ ] he repeats like the most important part of like the previous sentence it's hilarious everything he said yo my man came in he put that [ __ ] on the table put it on the table it's hilarious everything he says [Applause] no this country's at war son i'm just looking at my friend like dude did you hear him the first time because i heard him the first time i was smiling i was nodding am i my [ __ ] supposed to do that what am i supposed to do actually i got a couple of uh friends of uh african persuasion and uh i gotta get rid of them man i gotta admit to you i'm finding i'm spending too much money on clothes hanging out with them because i gotta like [ __ ] try to keep up with their wardrobe it's like every time they go out they got all brand new [ __ ] on all brand new [ __ ] so when i show up with my white version of brand new which is you know i basically i ironed the [ __ ] right i ironed it right it's true they just start trashing me i can't keep up with them man they got like [ __ ] 58 pairs of sneakers ever notice that [ __ ] like every color [ __ ] timberland and i don't give a [ __ ] what [ __ ] up color their shirt is they got a pair of shoes to match it and a hat it's like a rule or something they're the worst even when you wear some new [ __ ] there's like some sort of rule that you got to like space out the amount of time within which like that you wear it because god forbid you wear the same shirt within a 10-day period one of them's gonna notice the old son just look at you funny like this motherfucker's got the same [ __ ] he had on last tuesday and then the whole car is like oh [ __ ] then everybody just starts making fun of you [ __ ] close first they do the math like what was that five days ago five days this [ __ ] got five shirts he got five shirts they start breaking it down yo his first shirt he's saying monday next [ __ ] he's saying tuesday during the weekend he ain't wearing no shirt i'll tell you that's actually funny you know what that's actually how i judge black guys now when i first came to the city like all black people scared me was like the typical white dude from like the suburbs you know what i mean had no frame of reference you know it's my only frame of reference with black people was like those remember those early 90s gangster rap videos throw the [ __ ] la riots in there man it was [ __ ] horrible pr i'm watching the video so he's got nice car he's got all the women and he's still [ __ ] mad these black dudes are never happy but after 10 years of living in the sea this is how i narrow it down whether black dude scares me now black dudes with dirty sneakers scare the [ __ ] [ __ ] out of me no i figured out my head because i know from hanging out with them that's the last [ __ ] that they're gonna let go the immediate [ __ ] that they have on so i think you know if his sneakers are [ __ ] up that means his life is [ __ ] up every time he leaves his building the whole neighborhood oh [ __ ] everyone sucks making fun of him he's on the train in a bad mood i kind of have this howdy duty kind of mug me kind of face i'm not saying something's gonna happen i'm just saying i'm paying attention so i've been seeing this girl recently uh it's black girl right she lives up in harlem you know gone out like three four times you know first time we hung out we hung out like the village area in new york you know which is sort of like a racially mixed area so [ __ ] was cool you know what i mean second time you hung out was more like midtown you know then the third time she called me at like 3 30 in the morning and she wanted me to come up to her apartment right so it's 3 30 in the morning she lives in harlem i look how i look so it's a [ __ ] situation yeah because you know the deal right basically a white dude feels comfortable up to about like 98 99th street you know what i'm saying the second the streets start getting into like triple digits like 100 101st street start getting like a little asthma like [ __ ] i'm starting to get a little high up here you feel that little tightness in your chest can you feel that 106th street you're like leaning on [ __ ] like dude where'd all the cabs go how come there's no taxis up here dude what's a bodega i don't know what that is let's get the [ __ ] out of here so i'm praying to god she's gonna tell me to take the subway get off at like 105th street 130 you know which is like the first stop in harlem where i can still look over my shoulder and see like all the white people like disappearing over the horizon you know but she goes no man you want to get on the uptown 2-3 train you want to get off at 125th stream like ah [ __ ] on 25th street jesus christ that's like right in the middle of everything i'm gonna be surrounded on all four sides i can't [ __ ] do this so at this point i'm really trying to hide like the [ __ ] tone that's starting to creep into my voice you know and i'm trying to ask for really specific directions for when i get up there because i want to know exactly where i'm going so she starts naming the streets i have to go down and every other street up there is named that's like a black leader you know she's like make a left on adam clayton take a right on frederick douglas i'm like [ __ ] kind of quick now dude go on the internet look at that and clayton did he kill a bunch of white people during the slaver boat dude i'm going up there so i know what i'm saying to [ __ ] this [ __ ] [Applause] so at this point i'm really having a battle with myself because i'm thinking i can't do this right i'm like i can't do this but my dick's going now come on man we can do this all right just relax pull yourself together and get on the goddamn train right so as always i listen to my dick oh yeah i get on the train by the time i get up there it's like five or four in the morning right i'm staying on like malcolm x and like danny glover or some [ __ ] right i don't even know where the hell i'm at when i see the street i want to go up i want to go up saint nick i can literally see her apartment building but there's like five or six black dudes standing right on the corner right where i want to walk by so i'm like [ __ ] i thought i was on like some reality show at that point like some sort of like white guy survivor it was ridiculous so i'm thinking i got to walk right by these guys right you know what's funny i think that they were actually more surprised to see me than i was scared you know and i was really really scared you know but i'm also really really white you know like shockingly caucasian you know like if you're not ready for me i can like surprise you no especially if you live up there you've probably seen a white person for hours possibly days so when i show up it's almost like magical like a leprechaun came out of nowhere you know felt like i should have like a little pot of gold like a rainbow behind me top of the morning to your latte kind of dance my way past them [Applause] but it's been going all right you know once i get in her apartment i'm fine you know i relax sit down you know watch a hip-hop countdown pretend like i know the groups you know what i mean it's just getting there that's a [ __ ] pain in the ass but you know i don't get mad at it because i figure you know black dude's got to go through the same [ __ ] though right when you go into the suburbs go [ __ ] a white girl right just that same awful feeling of just leaving your people behind you know just less and less of you as you're [ __ ] driving out there probably start off lean and you're all [ __ ] cool 20 minutes in you're driving like 10 and two the waves off like dude i like this [ __ ] i don't like this [ __ ] at all there's too much grass i don't see any rims this is [ __ ] up none of the windows are tinted i can clearly see white people in every car this is [ __ ] up listen you guys were awesome thank you so much for coming out god bless you thank you very much all right man take care thank you [Music] [Music] you

Channel: LaughPlanet

Views: 732,561

Rating: 4.8655181 out of 5

Keywords: bill burr one night stand, bill burr standup, comedy, special, standup comedy, bill burr women, bill burr feminism, laugh planet

Id: 1lJ6P7DNiqU

Length: 27min 48sec (1668 seconds)

Published: Sat Dec 05 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/GSDNinjadog]

Ole billy baggy blouse oval here.