The Accidental Ornithologist Stand Up Special FULL CUT NEW

thank you so the rule is everybody the rule is if you screw up just one too many job interviews you become a stand-up comedian that's how it happened to me anyway I can never make it through a job interview you know it's such a high-pressure situation you really need that job you get all dressed up you get in there a couple of minutes early you're trying really hard not to make any stupid mistakes first opportunity to make a stupid mistake you make a stupid mistake [Applause] they give you that application and you accidentally write your name in the wrong box you already didn't get the job alright because what are you gonna do scribble it out hand in your application with a huge skill market and the very first blank at the top of the page say I get the job no no can't ask for another application either again could I have another application please why they're gonna be like you don't need another application sir because we're not hiring any idiots you put your name in the wrong box with a job application you have no other option but to leave your name in the wrong box then you're in the interview guys like CEO name is Ben Bailey yes yes and you currently reside at 365 Ben Bailey yes yes I do well I've lived there all month but don't try to send me mail that address I put my mailing address in the comments box and due to a bizarre and Sonnen coincidence my zip code is exactly the same as the first five digits of my phone number but don't try to call me I put my calling phone number in the comments box just below my mailing address for your convenience and yes before you asked my mother's maiden name is Caucasian [Applause] but despite all of those seemingly bizarre things still feel that I am quite clearly the right man for this job so my name is Ben Bailey everyone and I am indeed the cash cab guy [Applause] thank you very much I am the Cash Cab guy I'll tell you how I know that everyone that I saw today told me everyone over and over and over again all afternoon long they run right up and shouted in my fleece as though they are certain that I am wandering around wondering who that guy [Applause] I hid there like periods and I don't think he knows better get over there and tell him right away get up nice and close make it loud and clear so he hears you don't waste a man's time they do they run right up ago you're the cash cow guy I am like oh they know that about me why are we shouting we are three inches away from each other I can taste your gum and it's delicious you break off a small piece for me and then I grab them and hold them until they begin to squirm and then I set them free and they run off they figure that way they have a good story I met the Cash Cab Katya today he took the gum right out of my mouth and then he held me it was awkward to say the very least but I will never forget it guess that's what happens when you have a TV show people that you don't know come up to you all day long and say the exact same thing over and over and over I'm not complaining it's just an interesting thing to deal with people say the same stuff a lot I get this one a lot oh my god you're a lot bigger than you look on TV I'm always like well yeah I mean how big is your television lady all right unless you have a nine-foot TV at your house probably gonna be a little bit larger here in reality isn't everything a little bit larger here in reality these buildings must be freaking you out right now no your that's their only like this big right here in reality you can go inside them it's truly remarkable people say that one a lot you're a lot bigger than you look on TV they say it so often that I am considering hiring a dwarf whom I will dress up to look exactly like myself make him walk a little bit ahead of me at all times people will run up to him and go you the cash cow guy and then there it will be like you are exactly the same Sabbath and to our on touch that's what I'll come out with a fro the dwarf bro why not I'm paying him keeping him kidding me I'm not gonna pay him so people do say the same stuff a lot they ask me the same questions a lot they go hey did you have to get a real taxi license to host that show and I say yes because I did and they always make the same joke they think it's brilliant they go well at least you got something to fall back on and I am like har-har-har-har har-har-har that is absolutely hilarious I often sit and chuckle at the thought of losing my television show and becoming a regular cab driver [Applause] that is the funniest scenario that I can even come up with right now can you imagine the disappointment I would feel if the show are to be canceled and I were forced to drive a cab for real to make my living my disappointment would be tremendous but it would pale when compared to the disappointment felt by those individuals that got into my text because I would not tell them that the show had been cancelled until the very end of the game just make the questions up as we went along maybe right no matter what they said wait again sir this is amazing so few people know that Wisconsin is the capital of Texas we're gonna be all fun and games till we got where they were going we just want $1,500 in the cash town no you didn't show is cancelled two years you've won nothing at all in fact you owe me $14 and 80 cents disappointed 70 veto cuz I would turn into a bitter douchebag if that ever happened yeah I know to haze about it so I'm a little bit of a weird move it I got some bad news the other day I found out that I am allergic to people who are lactose intolerant it's a bizarre condition I'm lactose intolerance intolerant I just can't tolerate those people boys farting and complaining [Music] I can't have milk fine then don't have milk why do I have to be a part of it can you just eat and drink the things that you know you should leave me out of it entirely why do I have to be involved in this and there was like how can here being so mean and right when my restless leg syndrome is acting up you heard about that one restless leg syndrome come on what kind of horseshit is that right it's a syndrome restless leg syndrome I have no idea what constitutes a syndrome that's a hell of a lot more serious than some freakin Wiggly legs I'll tell you that one we're just freaking out you see what's happened to me it's pouring into emergency rooms my legs are way doctors like that's actually good if the legs wiggle they stop wiggling that's a problem Cassini didn't know you'll need help pharmaceutical companies are just making up things to sell us cures for right the leg of their legs we go give them this blue pill well what if they ask questions well I don't know show them a cartoon of a butterfly or something Lexx we go eat this well okay but does it although the butterfly take your medicine stupid so maybe they're real they're just exaggerated I think you know like how many lactose intolerant people do you think there are in Africa not a single one they will tolerate all the lactose that we could possibly get to then we're just up to our necks and lactose here I can't tolerate all this lactose we said so much [ __ ] to africa please they're in Africa like we will thank the lactose yeah they're Indians in effort [Applause] there's a huge population of Indians in Africa right now who have gone there in search of lactose just rolled in show us the milk don't [ __ ] me I know it's here the Cash Cab guy told us someone always gets offended at my lactose intolerance bit comes up after the shell hey I am lactose intolerant I'm always like I know you're the one I was talking about right now you know else has been pissing me off lately Google you guys know Google a couple of people have heard of it missed you guys are like Google's what's google google it and find out it's the only way to learn anything anymore is to google it and that was fine at first cuz things were simple it was like Google was my friend right I'd be like hey Google what do you know about this and Google would be like well then here's what I've got for you things were simple thing Google was my friend but somewhere along the line things changed and Google turned into that anointing finned will never let you finish a story because he keep interrupting you trying to guess the ending before you can get to it right now I sit down I type the letter P and Google is like Pacific Ocean Pacific Ocean the fires of backgrounds and penises of piss bag what [Applause] I'm like I'm frozen at the keyboard like can we just slow this down a little bit doodle what are you in a hurry you're not even a real thing we have to be somewhere Google you're everywhere just give me a second let me type this in right it's not Pacific Ocean okay now it is Pacific Ocean cuz I can't remember what it was when I started so thanks a lot Google now I have to learn about giant seek help for two hours you can't keep your big Google mouth shut and who the hell types pissed bag into my Google anyway really who's researching piss bag at my house on my machine without my knowledge or consent and what information are they after right if you can spell piss bag you know everything about this it's a piss bag a bag for pets a piss bag that's it there is no more even almighty Google can't give you extra information about piss bag would you like information on where to purchase this bag now Google I wouldn't I would like you to go back to just being my friend Google I used to be friends now Google thinks it's better than me it thinks it knows what I want better than I do right I sit down I type something in Google is like okay but did you mean this hey screw you Google yes yes I didn't mean that but I think we both know that now so why don't you just give me what you obviously know I'm after instead of jerking me around showing me half a million websites that made the same stupid typos I just made we both know at this point Google that I'm not researching the city of Philadelphia so honey just give me what you know I'm after quit jerking me around because I don't type that well you're the one that rushed me to begin with I end up learning about stuff that I'm not interested in because Google is so suggested i typed in take flight three hours later I'm an accidental ornithologist having inadvertently studied birds for the better part of an afternoon now I'm googling binoculars planning a family bird-watching trip let's try to book a flight to Cleveland thanks a lot Google what am I supposed to do with all this bird knowledge did you know there's a classification of birds called nearly flightless birds I think that is pretty damn funny all of us nearly flightless birds think about it these are birds that almost can't fly right like they can fly but just barely I can fly around all they want but the whole time they're up there done we should not be up here you're like this close to not being able to do this nearly flightless birds who's making that stuff up we'll call these birds nearly flightless pens why why not good point so that's what we get nearly flightless birds what are the other ones completely flightless birds they're just sitting on the beach like this is [ __ ] why are we even Birds all I can do is waddle around and [ __ ] about how he can't fly this sucks make me a rodent call me what I am I don't to be heard if I can't fly right completely flightless nearly flightless nearly flight full has got to be the next one up I think that's probably the worst one of all all right these are birds that almost can fly all right they cannot fly but they're close they don't know that they will never succeed so they'll spend their whole life just running and jumping so the [ __ ] what must we be nearly cycle I'd rather be completely violets it's the same thing without the false hope all right then of course there's completely flight for birds all the way at the top just a bunch of elitist bird [ __ ] I think they're better than everyone else flying around with attitude looking down at all the other birds like almost nearly flight 'full almost buddy why don't you carry that for me I always wonder if other animals are jealous of birds not because birds could fly but because we build houses for them you know what I mean like a squirrel it must look at a birdhouse and just be thinking you have got to be kidding me really humans really they can already fly they have a huge advantage over everyone else in the animal kingdom yeah you are going to provide them with free house thanks a lot I'm a squirrel I have all these nuts no word you're gonna build a 20 room hotel on a stick for the campers where do you think my nuts are gonna be in the morning now there's a question every man should ask himself before he leaves the house at night give yourself a long hard look in here what do you think my nuts are gonna be in the morning well if all goes well they'll be right where they are now and a little bit lighter [Applause] like finally a sex joke all these birds birds birds birds you guys have learned enough about birds I'm tired of being lectured about nature I had a weird thing on the way in you ever have one of those awkward little moments with someone that you don't know those are some of my favorite things in the world you ever do this one you ever end a conversation with a stranger a little bit too early and then realizes that you're gonna be walking the same direction [Applause] that they so now you're walking with them but you've already said goodbye neither one of you who is certain if you're supposed to continue the conversation or not having me the other day this guy asked me for directions I said yeah go eight blocks up make a left go to over and make it right and then go three more up and you'll be there and he was like all right thanks buddy I was like no problem dude you know he walked away right exactly next to each other at the same speed three blocks into it I was like if someone gonna say something out or do I have to kill this man five bucks in I just couldn't take it anymore so I stopped and waved in my head go ahead you beat me I can't take this [ __ ] but as he started to pull away from me I started to worry that he might get lost so I yelled up to him I said hey if you get confused I'll be right here and I don't think that comforted him so much has it frightened him because he started walking a little bit faster and without even realizing it I started walking a little bit faster now I'm chasing this thing he breaks into a run that pissed me off so it went good run buddy I know where you're going I purchased a house recently not a bird house a human house right now I lived in Manhattan for like ten years and tiny little apartments because I was broke and then I moved out and bought a house out in the middle of no got all these extra rooms now that I'm not used to fancy rooms like a laundry room to be highfalutin a separate room just for the laundering of items right next to that the guest bathroom I can't even go in there it's for guests so after a while I said hell with this I want to see what's going on in there so it kind of big hole in the wall of the longer goes right into the medicine cabinet in the guest bathroom and when guests come over I just put my face in the hole and I wait for them now sometimes it's over quickly other times it seems to take hours it's always worth it in the end sooner or later that little door creaks open and I go mother Oh God [Applause] and the guests they just [ __ ] right in their pants I know because they tell me and say I just [ __ ] right in my pants and then I usually say you know what I actually have some pills for that like I just get around who I ear and get them take two of these stay out of my cabinet you will [ __ ] yourself less then I slam the door yeah I put a little handle on the inside just for that part alright that last part wasn't true I don't have a house I don't have a house I live in a yellow minivan his life's in the ceiling where the same song plays over and over and over again I'm gonna drive that thing right in the river one day wait I have some good contestants where are we going so fast [ __ ] it's a new part of the show it's called the Hudson River challenge alright here's how the Hudson River challenge works I'm gonna drive the cab as fast as I can the end of Houston Street and smash through the barricade driving us both into the river you'll have approximately 12 seconds to escape or you will die and your shoutouts are both gone that would make the newspapers crash cap [Music] how do they come up with those brilliant viola I would do that ma'am I can do it hello several executives I'm just kidding maybe I did buy a house what house out in the woods after ten years of living in Manhattan I didn't go into the woods for ten years now if you haven't been in the woods in a while either I would like to warn you now there are animals in there lots of shiploads all different kinds cute ones frightening ones annoying ones one night I couldn't get to sleep because there was an owl outside my window yeah an owl and at first I thought it was kind of cool I was like hey this is kind of cool there's an owl outside my window an hour later I was like son of a [ __ ] there is still an owl outside my window I can see 50 other trees from here hell what is so damn special about this one and it wouldn't been that bad except that the owl seemed to somehow know when I was almost asleep right like he'd be quiet for eight whole minutes in a row soon as my eyes shut for a second it was like [Music] somebody say whoo how does he know went on for a long time it went on for so long that I started to wake up even if he didn't do it right because I'd be like why the hell did we do it Oh are we still playing [Music] okay [Music] finally I got so irritated and I got up out of bed and closed the window just funny you know because I could have done that right at the beginning instead of waiting three and a half hours but I couldn't you know why because my bed was perfect comfy you know what I mean the perfect comfy bed you can't tell why your ass ends and the sheets begin just applaud with a head sticking out like I love you right now adays you are so perfect don't ever change you could hold a piss for 12 hours in a perfect country your planner is screaming like have I made it clear how urgent the situation like you do what you need to do butter but I never watch a set of sheets before that's how comfy the bed was that's how annoying the owl was he got me out of a perfect comfy bed I slammed that window I raced back and tried to get back to the bed before all the perfect comfy had escaped and never regained full perfect comfy it's 20 to 25% at best you must begin rebuilding from there you know that already there it was trying to rebuild my perfect comfy bed when I came to the horrifying realization that I could still hear that owl even with the window shut I swear he moved a little closer put his little beak right to the glass and I knew right in that moment that I must change my strategy in dealing with this bird I knew I must wait until he fell asleep so that I could mess with him in the same way that he had been messing with me so I waited for a really long time turns out owls are nocturnal which is something you would think I of all people [Applause] would probably have known now it's Rebecca do that didn't it but not me luckily for me the same thing is true for stand-up comedians we live at night so I waited that little bird bastard out sure enough soon as the Sun started to come up over the mountain his giant owl eyes began to shut and I waited for just the right moment and then I went [Applause] and I think it pissed him off I do I think it got into his head which is really his whole body because he put down his lollipop laughter just too late he came down out of the tree and closed the window [Music] and then we both went to sleep now I thought about killing that owl I'm not gonna lie to you I pondered bird murder the wee hours of the morning I wondered if I would have to pay a fine we're that owl to turn up dead on his back on my patio with a steak knife in his chest right a chalk outline around his body a lollipop in an evidence bag he seemingly untouched the police question he is this you steak knife mr. Bailey I've never seen it before in my life perhaps the bird was unhappy I would have killed that owl don't think I wouldn't have I've killed birds before it wouldn't be the first time I've killed two birds in my life and I did it with one stone I know it sounds impressive please wait for the facts there were two very small birds both trapped in one very small cage I was standing over them with a huge stone conducting an investigation into the realism of expression my friend holding the video camera people have been bragging about this [ __ ] for hundreds of years today we find out just how difficult it actually is well there you have it folks hundreds of years of trash pump and it's just that easy to kill two birds with one stone [Applause] we'll be back right after this with have-your-cake- and-eat-it-too every now and again and beaten half to death turns out it's pretty damn easy to kill two birds with one stone depending of course upon what kind of birds they are birds were say ostriches or emus both which are nearly flightless by the way if the birds were ostriches that would change the whole equation right then the question would lie and how many times you're allowed to use the same stone alright hey are you the guy who killed two ostriches with one stone yes I am it took me seven hours but I did it first one it was easy he just walked right over to me I think he thought I was gonna feed him or something he just leaned this big stupid ostrich head in and bam took him out with one shot that spooks the other one took off into the jungle or wherever ostriches live I ran in the room we were in there all day twice I thought I had lost that stone which case had been completely screwed they'd have to start all over again and where do you draw that one hey are you the guy who killed 11 ostriches with nine stones okay Nagas some bizarre chronal killing a lot of rare birds in a pretty freakin violent manner I had something to prove when it all started now I'm just getting arrested and escorted out of the zoo [Applause] what you thought I went to Africa perfectly good ostriches in the Bronx where there used to be expressions don't make any sense how about this one how'd you sleep like a baby what you [ __ ] in your shorts what are you waking up crying every half an hour what's wrong with you you're 45 years old stop sleeping in that crib this ruining your social life how about this one how often you've been getting over there oh every now and again what how often is that how often is that every now and again think about it every now and again every math all the nouns every single one now no no no no no no and again that's freakin impossible you cannot go somewhere that often you got somewhere every now and again you are trapped there for eternity and again doesn't make any sense how about this whenever trying to get two good things going on in your life at the same time one of them keeps faltering there's always someone there to whisper these words of wisdom well you know what they say you can't have your cake and eat it too hey [ __ ] you are you trying to mess with my head right if I can't eat my cake I don't even want it what else am I gonna do it just sit there looking at it I have cake what don't eat it then you won't have it anymore [ __ ] that's the whole reason I got it to begin with do you like to have some cake no thank you I'll eat mine [Music] you have yours and might eat yours when I'm done with mine and then you won't have yours either cannot have your cake and let Ben eat it do who the hell has cake and doesn't eat it diners [Applause] you can't eat the cake in a diner I've tried can I have a piece of that enormous chocolate cake please no we don't eat our kicks here we rotate them [Music] fair enough one of my favorite ones I heard was here in New York I had seen a big fight on the street one guy was all beat up laying on the ground the other guy was gone there's an old woman standing over the guy in a panic saying the exact same thing over and over over and over today and after a while all I could hear was and then just half half repeating in my head so I started thinking in half how could she possibly know that so I interrupted her I said excuse me but there is no way that you could know that this man has been beaten half to death the only way that we could know that for sure is if we were to beat him again exactly the same way he were to die right at the end and she agreed so we beat the crap on me and the old lady recreating the first beating as best we could sure enough right at the end he died that's when the police arrived they said what has happened here this man is exactly dead and he said he's been beaten half to death twice so I know I seem like a nice fella on the Cash Cab program but that's editing no I am a nice guy I try to be a nice guy in the show you know I think what I'm trying to say is that road rage is real anyone who's driven a hundred feet in a major city knows that road rage is a reality right there's a line on one side of the line you're like that man is driving aggressively and I wish he would stop it that line that turns into or most outrageous they're right next to each mother's you cross over into that second one there is no quick route back we need to pull it over for a minute and cool off I'm a danger to yourself and those around you road rage is real and I am no different well I'm a little different in that I am hosting a game show when it's happening to me so the camera is always on me right so I can never show anything so no matter what happens I just kind of go [Music] [Applause] to be sitting in traffic for 12 hours right no matter what happens I don't show it so it builds up and builds up and then it comes out when I'm not ready on several occasions I have thrown the cash cab into park and left into traffic full intention of kicking the [ __ ] out of a complete and total stranger [Music] not proud of it alright I'm a little bit proud of it on one particular occasion we were sitting in traffic on 3rd Avenue for the hundred and fiftieth day in a row we continue to choose 3rd Avenue despite the fact that they're building a hospital and a pipeline and a freaking amusement park in the middle of 3rd we are guaranteed at least 40 minutes of going absolutely nowhere so I'm are irritated by the traffic to make matters worse there's an electrician in a van behind me doesn't seem to understand how a traffic jam works right he seems to be under the impression that somewhere all the way at the front of the traffic jam there is a man in a very wide car who has just nodded off at the wheel and that if he the electrician can only honk long and loud you will wake the man in the wide car and we'll all be on our merry way immediately to make matters even worse the electrician and his horn have impeccable timing they're as good as the owl if not a little better he will only honk if I have just begun speaking which means I have to stop speaking and start all over again so I'm talking I'm like located in downtown what is this guy's problem let's try that again located in downtown [ __ ] I try to sneak one in real quick before we could honk like look at him downtown bad and then that little fuse in my head short-circuited now everything's different now there is no third Avenue there's no hospital or pipeline or amusement park there's nothing there's just me and the electrician so I'm like I think I'll put my window down [Music] I know another bird [Applause] this one is completely flightless I wish to God I could fly off the end of my arm and punch that [ __ ] in the nose and fly right back but it can't so I just hold it up there long and steady I'm sure he sees it not only does this not stop the horn but an already powerful horn seems to somehow be gaining strength from the finger gesture before I was like ferret I was like now I'm like moving back and forth singing a crazy little song in my head I'm going to kill ya and then the horn stops I'm like oh my god it worked and as I'm pulling my hand back in I see in the mirror the electrician is now getting out of his van he is walking toward the cash cab at a healthy clip I don't think he's coming to say hey I really love your show right cuz he's walking like this so I've been in a situation like this at this point and stayed in the cab now if you've never been in a road rage altercation situation take it from me seated and buckled in with your face and a big hole perfect punching height it's just no way to begin a street fight like really we're just gonna keep it facing the big opening like at the County Fair / until you remember he complains so I've been there before it didn't end that way but it could have so I remember it and I see him coming and I my dad's bad happening again I throw the cab into parking I come barreling out now I am the last dude that he was expecting to see flying out of the driver's seat of a New York City Taxi Cab right he's expecting a much smaller middle-eastern fella but not six and a half foot me with my Marine Corps haircut 200 episodes of pent-up the Cash Cab road rage my you know how many people can get down without using their shoutouts buddy you know so he sees me coming and he immediately goes from hey hey you large and frightening man you were you doing that silly thing that you and I'm screaming before my feet even hit the street the mic is a goddamn traffic jam nobody's going anywhere doesn't matter what you know so why are you okay shut the bugger then he says he goes you're crazy then I go I know you and your horn made me this way so deal with it he goes I'm calling the cops I'm like you got out to kick my ass and now you're calling the cops and what he doesn't know is that while he was sitting right behind me right behind him was the Cash Cab crew van and there's eight dudes in there one of them is a New York City police officer he has a gun his whole job description is protect Ben Bailey [Applause] right so I'm arguing with this guy in the middle of third Avenue they are lining up right behind him like a team photo in a high-school yearbook like two rows of dudes with their arms folded so he says I'm calling the cops so I'm like why don't you save yourself a little time and turn around and talk to the cop who's standing right behind you who works for me and that just like sends him reeling now he's like regressing to some driver instructional course he just starts going never get out of the van never get out of the van finally he gets up the nerve to turn around I mean he's scared right he's like how could this bizarre cabbie have a police Posse that is already behind me like 11 seconds have gone by this is insane so he doesn't know what to do it eventually he gets up the nerve to turn around he slowly turns around there they all are right behind him nobody says a word he just kind of looks at damn like really and they all just kind of look back at him like yeah and that's enough for him he dives back into his van he slams the door and he locks it down Stanley Miller third Avenue is still staring at him he won't look he's staring at the passenger seat 70 very interesting the leather surface of that passenger seat Tony the cop slowly walks over to me and gets right up next to me he leans in real close and he goes what the hell is wrong with you he gets even closer he says you're a game show host [Music] and I swear to you that's the first moment that it occurred to me that I am in fact a game show host nobody sees that one coming it's also the moment that I remember that there is a couple in the backseat of the Cash Cab right in the middle of a game so you turn and look and they're like noses to the window this is the best show I've ever seen [Applause] so I don't know what to do I'm like humiliated fired up and I just slowly walk back over the cab and open the door climb in sit down or you guys have $600 you have 23 blocks to go here's your mobile shadow you've used your mobile shoutout but you still have your Street shoutout don't forget about it here's your next question for a hundred bucks but first you guys have $600 and we are stuck in a red light and that triggers thank you so much everybody thanks you

Channel: Ben Bailey Comedy

Views: 1,851,814

Rating: 4.7916851 out of 5

Keywords: Ben Bailey, Job Application, Comedian, Nearly Flightless Birds, Funny, Lol, Two Birds, Ben vs Owl, Google, comedy, Stand Up, Jim Gaffigan, Mike Birbiglia, Dave Chappelle, Bill Burr, Mitch Hedberg, George Carlin, Special, genius, brilliant, comic, Brian Regan, Road Rage

Id: bAtsboZcD7o

Length: 59min 18sec (3558 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 08 2018