Joe Rogan - Stand up Comedy Improv - (2 sets - 2 Hours) Video

hey I don't have a chew gum onstage but this is kind of a [ __ ] up so it appears more casual than it really is you know this is weird way to do anything publicly and have expectations you know like people expect some entertainment to come out on the fly there's no preparation anything that I'm about to say and you're waiting you're waiting for something good to come out good good [ __ ] luck good [ __ ] luck this show could suck a fat one right that's the expectations you have taken and every one of these so the best way to do it is when someone calls something out what we can't do is you can't keep talking over each other because chaos will ensue there's not enough people where you get away with that like if it's like 3,000 people you get away with that but 80 people they're like [ __ ] I'm right here [ __ ] you doing over there this is intimate enough that it works so anybody when when we start talking about one thing just don't keep yelling out other ideas just wait wait until we're done alright who's first what you say gay slurs do you do they make you hard or is it is it one of those things man you like it I had a buddy dated this black chick and when he would [ __ ] her she would want him to call her a [ __ ] it's not for everybody but let's be realistic all right people are [ __ ] weird there's a lot of weird [ __ ] out there you know look I don't think you should ever be violent with a woman unless she's really [ __ ] into that there's some girls have want you to choke them okay and they'll tell you they will grab your hand and put it on there and you're like and you're like um I'm not sure if I want to connect this with sex you get a weird choke fetish man accidentally why are you choking me I don't know so anyway I get hard [ __ ] there's certain things you know you don't want to you don't want to grow your [ __ ] you smack you in the face don't do that don't get involved one of those relationships step back you're wait what [ __ ] are we doing here hitting each other and choking you what's going on are you crazy I don't know how we got in that subject gay slurs all sudden people get choked and a lot of weird [ __ ] going on hold on we're not done [ __ ] face Jesus Christ I dare you how dare you look gay slurs are like every other slur it's it's what's the intent if your friend is gay and you say gay slur you know whatever man let that one slide that's why I say she people make fun of everything you can't call you gay friend a [ __ ] what's the point and what's the point in having friends with a guy like that you don't know me man you don't know I love you come on [ __ ] get your [ __ ] together come on man let's say it cuz I hate you I love you who gives a [ __ ] just don't be such a little [ __ ] that's what would help the world does anybody would just call someone a slur like try to demean them for anything for being gay for being white for being black for being Asian that person's a [ __ ] idiot right like agreed at a certain point in time we often like that's one of the most important things we could ever recognize like anybody who just chooses to hate you because of who you are that you can't control the part you can't control like being wired or being black or me and Toby and sure well what the [ __ ] well who would do that who would do that idiots idiots it's like an idiot alarm that's the way so the good thing about gay slurs this is a good thing about all racial slurs as they let you know where the idiots are they're like little little alarms well how about that Fred Phelps guy damn to bad huh okay die that sucks I was hoping he'd make it he's the God hates [ __ ] guy Wow he had a bunch of people that listened to him too it just shows you how [ __ ] weird people are we're so confused by a you know a lack of addressing what is really going on in life that if you just talk smoothly and confidently enough people listen to you that's what that Fred Phelps guy did top hates [ __ ] is that anywhere they're holding up the Bible with we're [ __ ] you getting that bro it's not in here let's just write your own [ __ ] cuz God also hates people that we're two different types of clothes you know if you were like cotton and silk you're an [ __ ] to God he gets pissed at that that's in the Bible - really what if you read that whole [ __ ] thing it's a hilarious [ __ ] people get really into the Bible but they haven't even read it I know a dude who's super religious and he has he has a Biblical verse tattooed on his arm and I'm like bro do you need to read the whole book okay you just you basically just killed somebody or something I mean it's the same [ __ ] you know it's all punishable by death you [ __ ] silly [ __ ] who knows maybe it's all real gay slurs they're bad what else restrooms is that we just flesh rooms mushrooms mushrooms mushrooms are causing me to hear your voice in a very different way and you're trying to project mushrooms are probably why we're people obviously how dare you hippie boy nothing's obvious the whole thing's a mess Jesus no one knows the [ __ ] going on it might have been aliens [ __ ] it might have been mushrooms mushrooms might be aliens that's the big one the big one is they think that spores could travel through space the girls are laughing spores apparently nothing like was here apparently everything that's here came from somewhere else that's what's really [ __ ] up about us we really are we're all aliens we're made I have an alien star yeah that's real that's really at a certain point time you're not even really a person like if you really break down what makes a person we were we're made because a star exploded but you can't make a person we're going to start blowing up [ __ ] like what what the [ __ ] are we we might really be part mushroom I mean that that really might be the alien that's what Terence Mckenna believed and he I don't know if he's right but he believed that there was some mushrooms then these monkeys ate them and then they started thinking [ __ ] differently and got they got a lot hornier and the next thing you know their heads grew that's how I that's the broad out version of the actual story yeah the [ __ ] head got bigger dude wait a minimum Keys heads grow what the [ __ ] you saying [ __ ] you saying man I'm just saying hey man question everything bro [Applause] mushrooms might be the reason why people became people though just you should read it it's called the stoned ape theories but the guys Terence Mckenna and it's the craziest theory ever because it's backed by climatological data that I don't really understand and I'm just parroting back at you as if it's backed by climatological data I should even be allowed to say those words they should give me like a rudimentary word they still let people know that you don't really know what the [ __ ] you're talking about it's really a big raging debate amongst my friends about climate change is man-made how do you know [ __ ] I know what you do for a living you're not why you arguing this you know [ __ ] no [ __ ] man tell me how does carbon make it warmer go shut the [ __ ] up then goddamn people like to [ __ ] talk what do you think happened that Malaysian airline I'll tell you what I think they don't even let you answer the question before they want to tell you what they [ __ ] think how about I don't want to hear we think it's made out of metal metal doesn't fly that good stop everybody's nightmare [ __ ] you have to rub it in I won't think about this what happened in malaysian airlines' i'm my world bro the world's too big can't worry about everything that's the [ __ ] problem we're supposed to worry about everything now he was too much information coming in 20 years ago we didn't have [ __ ] coming in all you had was what was in your talent on the news or giant national events that's it now we're just being swamped if information was like water we would all be dick height and just jesus [ __ ] christ it's everywhere it's too much I can't give a [ __ ] about those Malaysian people that I don't know I can't I don't got time sorry we live we die next and that's where mushrooms comes in because that's an attitude you really only get once you've done a bunch of mushrooms and then you go oh there might be something more to this that's what I did that was that's that feeling that there might be something more than this that's why it's illegal it's illegal because you're not supposed to run around thinking there might be something more than just just living just existing getting in your car driving to work doing the same thing every day getting into a pattern sucking all the passion out of everything you do staring at these [ __ ] weird artificial lights every day and you're I start to go to [ __ ] and you weren't [ __ ] big fake lenses over them your body's going bad your posture acidic why because you're not supposed to sit down stare at a [ __ ] computer monitor forever I ain't good for you dude just [ __ ] posture that shit's bad for your back okay it's too creepy it's too creepy that's why mushrooms are illegal because you can't have that job if you do mushrooms because you do mushrooms and then they show up at work and you go wait what the [ __ ] are we doing do you know what we're doing because we're giving our hope we're giving our whole life to a machine we're all working somehow or another for electronics we're punching numbers into these things you give every [ __ ] hour of your day you go I'm exhausted and the computer stay on and you show up and refreshing in the morning the [ __ ] are we doing man we're slaves you don't need a bigger house dude you don't you [ __ ] don't relax you're sucked into a [ __ ] machine Marshall McLuhan said that human beings are the sex organs of the machine world that's some deep [ __ ] the sex organs of the machine world imagine that's why people are so materialistic that's why people are into think it's just a trick just a trick to get you to keep building computers gives you the trick to keep you pushing technology because that's what technology wants you to do there were just some weird thing that gives birth to technology that what we do is we we we thrive material so much they have to consistently innovate in order to keep us buying [ __ ] so we get in this mad feeding frenzy of better faster [ __ ] and cars they call a [ __ ] thousand miles a second and [ __ ] cell phones that make your dick hard and we just get [ __ ] crazy until we hey we give birth to some [ __ ] artificial robot life that just eats everybody feeds off stupid people that's all it eats stupid people and garbage eats our little robot baby that eats our garbage and everyone in front of it and [ __ ] out little other robot babies as it walks down the street bang they grow up instantly and eat more people they're bulletproof I mention that we're gonna give birth to bulletproof people eat and robot babies that recognize us for the [ __ ] monkey scum that we are they recognize our ways we're not so transparent to them like we are to each other we could pretend we're not completely ridiculous because everybody else is doing it everybody else doing everybody else doing what's the big deal just do it okay well the robots are not gonna buy that [ __ ] they're gonna be born to go what do you [ __ ] crazy [ __ ] doing other than this ah stop stop everybody settle the [ __ ] down what are you doing with all your garbage or just leave it there okay yo you find us you make a spot and you just leave in that one spot oh that's a good solution [ __ ] [ __ ] haven't figured out how to use that yet you don't know how to make your garbage into better [ __ ] you know how many how many of you have nuclear weapons that's gonna happen the robots are just gonna [ __ ] mmm-hmm shut all our systems down reassess what to do with all these crazy [ __ ] monkeys shooting loads into each other making all new monkeys take care of these monkeys [ __ ] making more proud that you got the biggest brood [ __ ] do you know 21 people I don't even have 21 friends man you got 21 kids you're doing a [ __ ] job I'm gonna tell you that right now you're not doing a good job raising 21 kids you [ __ ] no one can you tell me five kids and I'll buy it if you're crazy if you want those super dedicated people you know you just triggered wheatgrass juice every morning you got all the kids [ __ ] names and order you might be able to handle five kids if you're [ __ ] super dedicated but 21 [ __ ] you man [ __ ] you you're crazy and you're making crazy people you're crazy and you're [ __ ] out other crazy people and they're gonna run around telling crazy [ __ ] to my kids crazy [ __ ] with 20 sisters get the [ __ ] out of my house the [ __ ] the [ __ ] did you learn learned some nonsense you imagine growing up with 20 other [ __ ] brothers and sisters what kind of [ __ ] family am i living in why there's so many of us how come I can't find a place to sleep Huck how come we're on top of each other like [ __ ] wild dogs what's going on here imagine the kind of [ __ ] they pull off in the parents are twenty kids that they're getting away with some mischief lighting things on fire and sticking up for each other Shh it takes one smart-aleck kid start a mutiny you have real problems in your house twenty kids you got to beat them you got 20 kids I'll tell you right now it's some Lord of the Flies type [ __ ] 20 kids it's basically like a [ __ ] whole Boy Scout Troop 20 kids in your house they might decide to tie you up in the middle of the night you got to smack those little [ __ ] every now and then I don't believe in hitting kids unless you have more than six and then I think you got a [ __ ] flex on those little [ __ ] they get crazy you got to smack them you got to make them feel pain support it's important what do you wanna get tied up huh well you're tied up in you sleep [ __ ] you got 20 little [ __ ] staring at you all day and you're telling them they can't have fruit loops all right people don't want to hear that [ __ ] man 11 year old boys think they're men they'll [ __ ] you up tie you up stupid there's 20 of them making a bunch of psychopaths what was the question black fish black fishes some dark [ __ ] if there ever is a time when we're gonna get judged by the aliens they're gonna look at Sea World and go what what are you guys doing what the [ __ ] are you doing oh you guys keep smart things too you know there's a lot of dumb [ __ ] it doesn't even matter if you keep it I mean I'm not saying you should keep a giraffe but you never go to a zoo and see the giraffe they look fine they just walking around like another day of no Lions this is a giraffe's walk not a [ __ ] care in the world there's none of this [ __ ] going on this giraffe in Africa is [ __ ] they're [ __ ] what you think nature built them like that because it wanted them to live longer a goofy [ __ ] shape with a neck your neck is designed to be bit you [ __ ] there's a billion targets on this long stupid neck of yours you know there's vegetables everywhere you'll have to get the up high it only what what kind of crazy strategy is this for survival - [ __ ] life being a giraffe you know but in the zoo they got no problems man and the zoo they got a casual strut to them there's no hitch in their step they never get crazy there's no sprinting there's no knocking each other back against the wall looking around for giant cats that can fly black fish is [ __ ] up because they're smart the Orca thing is a weird thing man they're really [ __ ] smart they're so smart i retweeted a video today where Orca killed a great white shark and apparently they have a tricky way of doing it they take the shark to the bottom of though they bite it by the back of the head and then flip it upside down and then just hold on to it and then they've figured that out they figured out there's something wrong with if you flip them upside down you sir there's such a [ __ ] design they have to keep swimming they're like really old they're back when God really didn't know how to make things good I mean a shark a shark is like 350 [ __ ] million years old it's exactly the same animal that's a long [ __ ] time he was like yeah they gotta keep swimming and if you know anybody questions God if he's got like you know some vice president is like that's not I mean that's not a good idea what if they stop then they [ __ ] dead [ __ ] tired of playing [ __ ] games these [ __ ] new animals I'm making you swim [ __ ] you keep swimming or you [ __ ] die don't give a [ __ ] man I'm God I made you [ __ ] okay I made you with extra teeth okay I give an eye take there's a yin and a yang they live in a time where they needed teeth just coming in all the time breaking them off so what I got a million more those [ __ ] you imagine what that's like nature just designing like the perfect murdering machine it's it makes its own knives so the face full of [ __ ] knives and new ones keep coming out god damn it that's why global warming scary because those [ __ ] gonna be swimming in our streets downtown Pasadena is gonna be a Cove that's [ __ ] scary [ __ ] all these silly [ __ ] though these Malibu people their houses like here's the water let me go my house here oh this should be fine why I've got poles that go into the water what a good place to put a house that's worth like a billion [ __ ] dollars because it's next to the other world that's why the house is I was trying to figure that out I was looking at these houses that were in Malibu and you know I was like these people are crazy like if that the ocean does shift and they think it's going to it think it's inevitable in 50 years it's gonna rise everywhere they say that in 50 60 years Miami won't even exist anymore it's hard to care about that while we're up here in Pasadena but Miami's a sweet spot it's not gonna be here anymore man it's gonna happen to this place too though Pasadena we're [ __ ] we're [ __ ] off Southern California flooded it's all gonna happen sharks in the streets that's what I'm saying [ __ ] hit him on the way your cars smack them in the head they're swimming in front of your foots we're just lucky we don't go in there man people who surf our crazy [ __ ] I watched people surfing I'm like what a good idea what a [ __ ] smooth idea just want you to go out into that indescribable wilderness we called the ocean yeah why don't you do it in something that resembles common prey can you your silhouette is too unusual just to be swimming do you think you could get into something that makes you look like a seal some [ __ ] where you know from below you look like a seal yeah that's a good idea now what I want you to do is just keep going back and forth like a fishing lure like you're trolling you got you you go to the bottle you get you get safe it gets safely your surfboard you find the same spot at the end of the waves and your [ __ ] dumbass come swim in right back out to where the monsters live and you just keep doing it jesus [ __ ] christ how much fun my surfing big it must be so much fun they're willing to do it in a place where monsters lived I mean if you could go hang gliding but the Wolfman was out how many people be like man he's gonna kill one of us so one of us gets killed by the Wolfman whatever bro we're gonna live forever let's go hang gliding so we land on a werewolf whatever would ever land on a [ __ ] werewolf [ __ ] I'm staying home I love surfing it's me just when I'm on those waves I feel like I'm real without the ways I'm not real black and white new blue commercial with Stephen Dorff Stephen wah do you surf i surf because without it i'm not real what was that question blackfish yeah bad blackfish bad Geisler bed alpha brains good well any vitamins and supplements are good don't let all these crazy [ __ ] tell you there's a lot of nonsense they like to say and one of the big ones well you don't need it you know you know i made it with a healthy diet you don't need vitamins you're right you're right you don't need it but it's better if you take it duh but me it's a da thing the whole vitamin thing is super duh like they understand vitamins are good for you who's telling you not to have vitamins a bunch of people look like they need vitamins look at your eyes man your saggy your I'll fall apart what are you doing you need vitamins [ __ ] stop just eating fruit it's not good enough you need capsules you need some [ __ ] gelatin in your life well gelatin caps filled with minerals and [ __ ] take it shut up they isolated it take it why wouldn't you take it what are you crazy do you want a regular brain if there was something that made us absolutely smarter you just had to eat a certain route every day who wouldn't beaten that route what are you [ __ ] do you not want to get smarter this is certain smart you don't want to get though right you don't want to get so smart that you can't really enjoy this you want to be a certain amount of stupid which is where this comes in alcohols awesome doesn't matter who you are three drinks in we're all the same [ __ ] you know we're well just [ __ ] you [ __ ] you ah for drinks in same person five drinks too smart is not good if you like John Travolta after he got hit by the lightning bolt remember how you couldn't relate remember how he struggled to integrate back into society with all his new knowledge his ability to do mathematics and learn Portuguese with ease do you not remember even though the lightning hit him still couldn't shake the gay out of him that's what I heard that's what I heard and so I heard the original script was about hey I think that's a gay slur no it's about lightning bolts it's nothing do it gay people it's a lightning bolt thank man apparently there's certain things you can like you can get like hit by a car and get better at music yeah that's a real thing listen I don't recommend it but there's a real thing that happens to people they they have traumatic injuries and all sudden they become really artistic it's super common actually I didn't you a friend of Mines kid fit you have motorcycle accident it became like super artistic before that nothing yeah I mean I'm not saying it's good Sam Kinison got hit by a bus or a car or something like that we use a kid a truck that's what it was he got like literally by a [ __ ] truck knocked the [ __ ] out really hospitalized a wreck came out hilarious talking [ __ ] doing coke just completely became a different person like the truck knocked the devil into him yeah this brother wrote about it in his book I don't know why I'm advising head injuries I'm just saying turn a negative into a positive make some lemonade ladies and gentlemen that's what I'm saying he got hit in the head whatever man maybe really good at checkers now maybe you're a [ __ ] at tic-tac-toe my kids want to play tic-tac-toe and I'm like it's a pointless game I'm not gonna play it like come on daddy I'm like listen you can't win can't win at tic-tac-toe it's impossible you're scared Mike listen [ __ ] older than you I know there's games where you can't [ __ ] win this is a stupid game played tic-tac-toe the only way someone wins at tic-tac-toe so you fall asleep that's how they win it's a [ __ ] game you can't win I don't care for five okay I'm telling you right now this is how the world works they want to get you locked up and some stupid [ __ ] games you can't win I want you to recognize that [ __ ] now [ __ ] tic-tac-toe so daddy why your face is red getting crazy you can imagine I was really doing that [ __ ] tic-tac-toe what imagine someone yelling at their little kid [ __ ] tic-tac-toe somebody has for sure for sure when you think about all the things that have happened in this wild world that got us to 2014 at least one point in history a father was huddled over staring at his five-year-old going [ __ ] tic-tac-toe tired of your [ __ ] probably exactly in that order I probably didn't invent like if the guy was in this audience he believed why the [ __ ] did you know I regretted that and she was very sad that I didn't know what else Bigfoot Bigfoot's my all-time favorite subject I believed in Bigfoot I believed in but I probably still believe Bigfoot used to live used to exist because they found bones of this animal called the Gigantopithecus that apparently was a bipedal hominid there was eight to ten feet tall so there was probably something that really did live at one point in time that was like a Bigfoot but here's a problem with looking for Bigfoot here's the one thing that you don't find when you go looking for Bigfoot black people you are more likely to find Bigfoot than you are black people looking for Bigfoot okay there's something going on here and I don't think it's logical I know and I'm recognizing this crop of people that are all looking for Bigfoot or Mike there's a pattern I sense the pattern the pattern is unfuckable white dudes that's the pattern that that's what you're getting only unfuckable white dudes out there wandering around looking for Bigfoot and these [ __ ] start seeing Bigfoot everywhere and they're not bad people there were very nice guys there very nice guys but this guy was telling me a story about man I think there's one time when Sasquatch was very close by they oftentimes will imitate sounds of other animals to throw you off track like I for instance I was coming home on this trail and I'm here walking in this [ __ ] bull frog starts making this Norbert Barbara and I look over and nothing and then I look back at the road again Rupert and I'm like I think that's a [ __ ] sasquatch and the dude was looking at me and I'm like Oh bless your heart bless you sweetheart oh yeah probably a sasquatch I don't know maybe right who [ __ ] knows poor bastard why is he there because he had no ecstasy and didn't know where the rave was if you give that guy ecstasy and push him into a rave full of [ __ ] people just hot and sweaty dancing and touching him and dragging him around maybe like [ __ ] [ __ ] big [ __ ] suck my dick close Dixon [ __ ] [ __ ] about Bigfoot if you're on X and someone has a glow stick you don't give a [ __ ] about Bigfoot how could be feel people more interesting than this Oh cuz he's big he's a monkey he's a big dummy he doesn't even have a house big dumb homeless [ __ ] hasn't figured out how to talk how tell us you're awesome and then we'll give you money how about that stupid oh you wanna hide your woods you [ __ ] dummy that's what I think about Bigfoot and the other part about Bigfoot is they want to believe man and that's a problem I've been there before I think you've been that we've all been there before there's times in your life where you want to believe you know it's not correct but you wanna [ __ ] believe those Bigfoot guys every one of those [ __ ] smelled like that they all have that thing when you're talking to you look at me are you sure or not yes yes I am absolutely sure Sasquatch is real what's because what's the alternate if Sasquatch is not real you waste your whole life dummy you waste your life look it says dudes in your neighborhood have leaving big [ __ ] rubber footprints around if your dumb ass is out there with a [ __ ] with with a mascara brush looking for DNA you [ __ ] idiot what if it's not real man guess what if it was real wouldn't be cool within an orca okay work insane people when they drown or just kill great white sharks cuz they're smart they'll do it right in front of you they're not scared then little [ __ ] is hiding behind grapes okay orcas get out right next to your boat and like what's all they just don't know we're [ __ ] only obviously once we kidnap one the other ones forget about it but Bigfoot that [ __ ] dummy doing nothing not becoming a valuable part of our community not letting us know that you know it's a friend and if we were friends with it we we could work together we could provide them habitat and give them food in exchange for being a part of our performance show circus Sasquatch adventure type thing come on man you stay in your car you drive around Bigfoot comes out we all make money is that is that [ __ ] hard but no you and your [ __ ] communist [ __ ] friends want to hide out in the woods suck each other off you don't even have a house you dumb [ __ ] it's out blowing monkey dicks in the forest come on work with us come down summer sit down Natsu's yeah it's there's a fence okay there's a fence everywhere it's called the ocean you get to a certain point you can't go any further that's kind of a fence okay we're all trapped you'd be the guy arguing for Sasquatch don't be a [ __ ] bro come on do you really like collecting acorns man bro you're out there on your own when it rains you got to find a [ __ ] hollow log is that really you come on have you ever seen a swimming pool you get one of these [ __ ] come on there's no sharks or nothing way to try to get Bigfoot to swim trust me bro he's dumb tired Issei nice smart profesor profesor [ __ ] stain I talked to real professors when I had that sci-fi show real professors that told me one guy told me he would cut his finger off I said would if you had a choice of having your finger cut off and meeting sasquatch or you keep your finger no Sasquatch he goes take my finger take your finger take your finger to look at a stupid big stinky monkey what if he was right in the middle of getting [ __ ] in the ass by another month oh there you got to see Bigfoot getting [ __ ] that was your image a Bigfoot two big food feet just [ __ ] each other in the woods you didn't specify how you wanted to see him imagine you were like really big in a Bigfoot your whole life and you would sort of created this mythology behind them like being able to read minds and perceive where cameras are because they just had a much deeper understanding of their environment so you talk to a guy so guy could take you to Bigfoot man but I gotta know you were in this for keeps I gotta take one of your fingers bro you really know Bigfoot is he majestic beyond bro I mean I'm here talking to you about I mean I know I'm holding wire-cutters but bro I'm not even thinking about your finger I'm thinking you're gonna be you're gonna thank me after I cut off your finger once you see how a Maine sent sasquatch really is you're gonna understand why we've never found it man okay he wants your finger just as a token that you're in Genet right okay we're cool right look you got nine more [ __ ] fingers man I'm gonna take the little finger cuts it off tapes you up you're all [ __ ] up you can't believe your body's in shock you ready to meet him turn that corner turn the corner cut my finger off these crazy primitive [ __ ] bunch of unfuckable white dude it's camp and that's what it is poor bastards is it disparity in this world it's important we have to see failures even in your neighborhood it's important gotta see it never figure it out on our own other people have to [ __ ] up we have to watch Bigfoot hunters and then go oh I see what's up if you don't you don't learn will get sucked into their web analyzing the Patterson footage we did a podcast here one night and I got so high I was watching the Patterson Bigfoot footage and like man I think that really is a Bigfoot I really did think that like I've been making fun of this for like forever and people call me an [ __ ] and they get mad at me even Bobcat Goldthwait believes in this [ __ ] tell me if I'm crazy I'm gonna tell you the story tell me if I'm crazy okay there's a guy named Robert Patterson he tells everybody in his town that he's gonna make a fake Bigfoot film then he hires a guy named Bob hieronymus to get into a monkey suit he writes a bad check to pay for the camera that films the very Bigfoot footage we're talking about he goes to jail for it because he's a con man and you watch the video and it's a [ __ ] guy in a monkey suit okay but when you're high as [ __ ] and you're at the ice house and you're doing a podcast you probably really should even be talking you know not out loud at least and not when you've been recorded and you're watching this Bigfoot footage like man I think that [ __ ] is real but look at the way his muscles move man look at the way it's done it's not normal it's not normal you can talk yourself into some crazy [ __ ] this kid might be real might be really looking at a sasquatch wow this guy that I have in the podcast starts breaking down the science behind the way he moves the reason why Sasquatch is not a human being but a new species of bipedal hominid with a mid tarsal break the way it walks see there's a gate these Sasquatch possesses that you do not see in human beings human beings move we have about 19 percent at the most you know when you're really well the Sasquatch will go far higher which is virtually impossible unless you walk like this because you're wearing monkey rubber boots rubber monkey feet and you can't you don't want to trip over your big fake [ __ ] clowns yeah I see what hopping around the woods trying to convince people that you're not [ __ ] oh you are con man who wrote a bad check to film a video of a guy in a monkey suit but it's not really a guy in a monkey suit seems logical seems okay they're [ __ ] sad same as the UFO people they're [ __ ] sad too they're all sad the UFOs are so cool why don't they say hi why don't they say hi they're really visiting us they don't say hi they're [ __ ] okay we could use some help you know you guys are really smart and you from the [ __ ] future how about you come down tell us what's up oh you'd rather just watch us dick dick from space all this knowledge you don't give us nothing those [ __ ] slobber over iPhones we got some [ __ ] that can read your mind come on [ __ ] show me what you got where's the new tech not impressed by a fingerprint scanner I think that's ridiculous fingerprint scanner also works on your dick don't ask me how I know you don't need to use your fingerprints that's how you know it's your phone I'm saying or someone cut your dick off see there are those that would be terrible if a woman can cut your dick off then access your phone that's a double whammy you know you're in a bad relationship you know that jealous woman and she cuts you dig off they used to access your phone and she's wrong [ __ ] yeah they can't give it back to you this hope back on but it's not the same it's a weird thing about dicks they haven't figured out how they do transplant dicks like I have a cadaver ACL I tore my anterior cruciate ligament was a it connects here Nia keeps it from like wiggling around and going forward so they take it from a dead guy and they drill it in your body it becomes a cadaver ligament it's pretty freaky but they don't do cadaver dicks you imagine like you know how people have bad livers what if a guy just goes to like the DMV it's like look I got a bad dick of a guide anybody dies in a motorcycle accident that has a large car I don't give a [ __ ] what color it is I'll bleach a black one I just [ __ ] I'm tired of this boring dick Wow why is your dick black I don't give a [ __ ] my dicks black cuz it's my dick and it's black shut up not here for questions we're here to [ __ ] alright that would be a weird thing man if all of a sudden you could get dick transplants [ __ ] with women except the fake dick though the way we accept fake tits not really right nope that would be a real bummer whoo grab ahold of a dude's dick and you're feeling like the implant like we've accepted tits some strange reason we've all accepted it we got bags in your tents that we don't talk about okay don't talk about that I've got a bag in his dick you're not supposed to operate on your dick there's two things you not allowed to operate on your dick in your lips right we agree to that that's a huge mistake whoever did that like whoever decided to do that that guy's an [ __ ] because people are weird you could talk them into changing anything you ever see those [ __ ] people that have like those those horns they have put in their head you know what that is that's you start [ __ ] looking at yourself long enough like what you don't want to do is be right around the corner from the guys like I'll give you horns [Music] big moments who are big ones Spike's want spikes yeah whatever you want to do dude whatever you want to do we go under the skin we stitch it back up don't worry about that we're weird you know I'm covered in tattoos I'll tell you people weird change ourselves we get bored shave our heads turn it blonde turn your Bush into a lightning bolt just get [ __ ] bored tired of this if you're paying attention you should be tired of this this world's ridiculous shave your bush no lightning bolt who gives a [ __ ] that should be the new thing you know if we all followed porn that's the ridiculous thing that women kind of followed porn right when I was in high school when you would go down a girl's pants it was like wrestling a woodchuck okay it was just a mass of hair no one ever trimmed their [ __ ] wouldn't she a [ __ ] trim your [ __ ] there was no trimming that was just in the 80s I graduated in 1985 was a long time to a lot of you but in the 80s everybody had a jungle [ __ ] jungle the whole thing's a mess if you're doing 69 prepare to stare at toilet paper there's gonna be some stuck in there the whole thing is a disaster it's just chaotic web of Forestry [ __ ] and vagina forestry what is this and somehow another porn just one out that's what he used to be man he used to be everybody had hair and then somewhere no no one has hair anymore everybody gets [ __ ] lasered we're using lasers what are we doing what are we doing what are we doing what do we doing what are we doing we're doing something consciously we're trying to become less like an animal we're trying to remove the most that we can about our animal our instincts the way we behave our warlike ways our pubes we're trying to smooth it out to look this weird sleek alien thing this new design oily baby oil completely shaved down like you're just gonna slip through dimensions that's what we do that's what we want we don't that weird [ __ ] nose hair trim that you don't don't want that I got hair growing out of my ears cut it off cut it off that's bad that's bad hair this hairs all right why do you my hair there mm-hmm get rid of it yeah hairs growing out of the middle you know as people freak out the [ __ ] wrong with your face like you care the hair is here or here what do you give a [ __ ] why are you yelling at me man why are you making me feel back so I got hair here what do you give a [ __ ] oh look no unibrow over there this [ __ ] one eyebrow she believed that [ __ ] what a [ __ ] freak he's more of a monkey than he is a person all that extra [ __ ] eyebrow hair his eyebrows what are we doing by avoiding unibrow besides ethnic cleansing that's what it seems like it seems rude and racist to me well what do we what are we getting at we're also getting that we want you to have less hair want everybody to be less monkey I don't like this get rid of it I want clear separation between your eyebrows cartoon-like I prefer it if you just cut them off forever and tattoo them in so you just get a good distinct parameter Finn not nothing aggressive I don't like all this hair eyebrow Harry I have a friend who's Irish and he's almost 50 she's got those [ __ ] weird eyebrow hairs now where their eyebrows just keep growing and you're like come on man you don't have to this is getting crazy yes sir I know you don't like yeah you don't give a [ __ ] what you look like I understand but I got a look at that crazy eyebrow hair everyday and that's rude all right you know like if you had like one piece of hair or a group of hairs like 15 hairs that grew out of the tip your nose and we're really long they're hung down like this cut it off dummy just cut it off don't expect me to just accept you hey how hard is this just do it take the razor look underwater go yeah now it's not there anymore I could just talk to you instead of that flavoring every [ __ ] conversation why does he have a tail he's got a ponytail growing out of his [ __ ] nose I don't want anybody to judge me too late you were born every day on out you get judged oh this baby so much louder than that baby God she was an angel when she was two but this one is just so busy people judge babies okay they judge baby's face on how they cry of course they [ __ ] judge you would you rather just them just trust you at face value [ __ ] face of course you're getting judged Jesus Christ he's just upset because you haven't judged yourself oh [ __ ] just upset that's should be you know like one life to live at least that kind of a whine just upset because you haven't touched yourself I got a friend who did soap operas that's like visited another dimension little Washington film a soap opera you know what what do you guys doing what are you doing you're pretending that you hate each other and you're mad you get a murder and people just watch okay why do you do that because it's entertaining well you're just pretending a bunch of shits going on nothing ever goes on is that really entertaining yes it else it's especially entertaining when everyone talks like this Marcia I will get my revenge Donna Donna cut to commercial what [ __ ] year is this you guys are doing a silent movie on TV every day doing coke banging each other in the dressing room probably coming out playing playing all Noah are you a coke guy of course you are that's why you yelled it out that's one thing about coke it never gets endorsed by people it's not you know just like there's a lot of people that believe in gay marriage but they don't want to marinate gay guys but people who yell out for coke they all do it you know you go to a gay marriage rally you'll find a lot of like you know cool like progressive straight people there with their kids even but if someone goes coke you can guarantee that [ __ ] not speaking in solidarity it's I don't do coke but I know a lot of friends who do coke you know I grew up with a lot of black people you know I'm not black but I can identify you know I support coke it's just like cokes been there for me man you know I'm saying like hey my favorite artists want coke and they did their best art yeah man the coke is it it's what's up focus what's up no I don't want to do it man I don't want to do it but coke is badass respect no Coke is one of those ones where like you're all hanging around and then this one friend has a weird friend and you're all hanging around maybe you guys have a couple of drinks or something like that you sitting around the kitchen table just talking and the guy goes hey you guys when I get some coke and you look at them and you like not would you dude not with you because you asked you can't be the guy who asked to get coke that's the needy [ __ ] you don't want to do coke with that guy you want to do the coke with the guy who you go do you want to get some coke should we like to cope with that guy okay that guy can probably keep it together don't do coke with her where's the [ __ ] coke man who's got the who's got the coke - coke with that guy that's not the guy did you [ __ ] with you want to do coke with the guy who's like a strip miner some normal dude maybe anthropologists it's a normal character don't do coke with gas station attendants crazy [ __ ] got nothing to live for I never did coke but I have a strong coke memory because there was a lot of kids when I was growing up that did coke and they just became a mess like it was like as a reoccurring theme when I was in high school and one day I lived in Massachusetts and there was a place called Kelly's roast beef in Revere Beach this real [ __ ] that we would always drive to so there's an hour to get there we would eat and then we go what [ __ ] do we keep coming here and then would go back home it's just a ridiculous pilgrimage that like young idiots would go you guys want to go to Revere Beach let's go to Revere Beach like somehow know that someone's gonna [ __ ] you no one's gonna [ __ ] you dude you're gonna go you're gonna drive down there you're gonna get a roast beef you've stared a bunch of savages and then drive home and that's what we did so we're driving home and we're in one lane is a two-lane on each side and there's a people some people in the other Lane and they have the dome light on and they're doing coke and this chubby girl with her big truck driver arms just holding on to this mirror and she's doing coke and she looks over cuz she's got a dome light on she looks over and she sees me she goes and I didn't do nothing man I was just sitting me I didn't say anything I didn't go huh I did nothing I just looked over [ __ ] Oh crazy angry face I don't remember a lot of things about those years but I remember everything about that [ __ ] I remember the color it was like a tan sort of like interior when they look shitty [ __ ] drop rooms that the glue would always go bad and the dome light was on I remember that [ __ ] grandma arms pale little weird red blotch like things on them white shirt trucker cut like she's [ __ ] Larry the Cable Guy cut face the crazy angry coke [ __ ] face so I [ __ ] her for like a couple of years till I got tired of her [ __ ] when we broke up [ __ ] tired of her [ __ ] should we end this what else we've been doing this a long time what crypto [ __ ] that's a term that uh who is it Paul Roth who used that one who's the first guy that used it Robert Greene right that's right yeah well the idea of being Robert Greene was interesting guy you know one of the cool things about podcasts I can get a guy like that Robert Greene guy to sit down and talk to him for a long time like you could realize that there's a lot of people out there that are a lot more like you than you ever would have imagined you know a lot there's a lot of weird people out there and you said I don't have anything come with that weird guy then you sit down with that weird guy like oh we're just [ __ ] people huh like that's the one thing this podcast has really taught me like more than anything and when you get to meet a guy like that and you know a term like crypto [ __ ] comes out see he's more cynical than I am he thinks that people are way more [ __ ] up I think the people are [ __ ] up but I think they're [ __ ] up because they were raised [ __ ] up I think that's a big part of us is the engineering from I have two kids I know it's I know it's like to see them from the baby and I have a stepdaughter that I've also seen as a young girl it's a very different thing than when you don't have kids and I think a lot of people don't and Robert doesn't and I think when you when you look at like an actual when you see a child grow up it starts to change your perspective of what a human being is human being is kind of a project you know and we all look at it like a finished thing that we judge but once you have kids you're sort of forced to look at everything as a developmental process you really are forced to start looking at everybody like they're babies that become a person and that's what [ __ ] gets weird you know and that's when you know when you people are all [ __ ] okay why you know what's the source of that usually some bad [ __ ] happen in them usually they got put in a bad place where they're emulating other shitty behavior they're getting abused physically mentally who knows what the [ __ ] has happened them but they're becoming pieces of [ __ ] because they weren't raised right they weren't raised with love you know and I think this is one of the first generations the last two or three where people are sort of stirred they're sort of understanding that there's a there's a responsibility that person has not just to make sure the kids don't break any crimes but to teach them how to be a human being and that's why there's so many [ __ ] what we're seeing is just like say if we all just had a bunch of parts and no one knew how to make a car but like this guy knew how to do a transmission and that guy knows how to do brakes and this guy knows how to hang a suspension and you get it all together and hopefully you can get a car going well that's raising a kid nobody knows what the [ __ ] they're doing nobody knows how to do it you know what your parents did wrong so you take into it you got one step ahead of what you know your parents had you got to watch their fuck-ups - you got to see how crazy their parents were you got to see their fuck-ups realize what bothered you and you're a little kid and then you go okay I'll never do that to my kids and then they're probably going to learn something from you that they're never going to do to their kids it's like an endless process of learning and growing and that's why there's a difference between people that like there's a lot of people that think in cynical terms and it makes sense if you look at all the trends yeah man [ __ ] should be pretty cynical the right means constant war going on in 2014 we still have that giant [ __ ] hunk of garbage that's floating around the Pacific and nobody ever talks about it there's no CNN [ __ ] warnings like it's reached critical mass or so Obama doesn't address it yeah this there's something going on there's a giant chunk of garbage it's [ __ ] huge it's like texas-sized and it's getting bigger every year we got we were living in weird [ __ ] times what about Nibiru do you remember we said [ __ ] with the middle of talking about something don't yell out some new [ __ ] you selfish [ __ ] god damn it there's rules rules in this [ __ ] land that's how we keep this ship together that than the bureau the thing he's asking about it's a dumbest [ __ ] thing of all time but but might be real what it is is this is gonna get crazy all right there was a guy named Zechariah Sitchin and Secor iesson was an expert in ancient languages and he translated the Sumerian texts and he got out of it that ancient Sumeria chizz became where Iraq is today that was like one of the first civilizations and he believes that their entire civilization was all based on the knowledge that they gained from the Anunnaki and that the Anunnaki lived on another planet called Nibiru and that it was on an elliptical orbit that came between the Earth and and Jupiter I think it was somewhere in that area between Mars and Jupiter every 3,600 years and they created human beings they took us we were monkeys they added there DNA and turned us into people and they needed us to mine for gold because they had ruined the atmosphere of their planet so they needed to suspend gold particles in their atmosphere to protect them from the radiation that sounds ridiculous right well here's the problem they started this guy did his translations in the 1970s he wrote this book called a twelfth planet about this planet Nibiru well they after he did this they figured out that the best way to protect the environment is to suspend reflective particles in the atmosphere like gold like that's how you do it you'd suspect that's a good move because gold has unique properties you can melt it one little tiny piece of gold will cover this whole stage it's a weird thing it's really thin and it can become really fine fine dust like incredibly fine like no other no other metal that we know of it's pretty unique stuff and it's always been a source of our money it's pretty [ __ ] if you really stop and think about the the idea that someone you could give someone a stupid piece of gold they would give you a donkey that's how it started someone have it convinced someone to give them some real [ __ ] for a piece of metal like what am I gonna do with this the [ __ ] way I do is it's ridiculous right but why else do we like gold and why don't we look like monkeys that's the big one man nobody wants to address that [ __ ] well we look way different man [ __ ] way different yeah there's different monkeys but you notice how they all have hair everywhere you notice that part yeah we're wearing clothes do you know how crazy this is we figured out how to evolve past the actual environment itself okay we clearly are getting weak on purpose we're getting too smart so we're staying sedentary so we're getting softer so we protect our feet we have rubber on our feet we can't walk do you see what the [ __ ] we're doing we're evolving we're becoming aliens I think so aliens are us in the future that's what the [ __ ] going on when you see aliens what do you think we're gonna look like what do we look like we're gonna turn into rabbits I'm gonna become something different know if we're evolving past a monkey if we really to be a monkey we became people what's next aliens [ __ ] big crazy bulbous heads and we're gonna have sunglasses built into our face because we'll [ __ ] the environment up hardcore you came a goth side without shade so we'll just build you shades right your big stupid face big [ __ ] black shades that's us you don't need to use your mouth [ __ ] you just Google brain everything everybody's just Google brain you don't need to use your mouth why would you have a mouth you just Google brain you don't need muscles you're just gonna move [ __ ] with your mind your mind tsuge look how big your mind is it's us the biryu who knows man but it won't be what they tell you that's all you know if someone brought some [ __ ] down on stone six thousand years ago that dude was wrong I'm just gonna say it he just didn't have Wikipedia other side there's no way he got that story right there's no way he carved it hold on how did you carve it can I see what you did why how come all your letters look the same all your letters are like the same mark just goes this way in that way yeah that doesn't that's not good enough buying your [ __ ] crazy story fella nibiru [ __ ] how dare you people probably just came from the river down the street they were smarter they had water they figured out how to make a bow and arrow a year earlier so they came down like gods he's dumb [ __ ] you can't just because people lived a long time ago don't mean it doesn't mean they had like ancient knowledge that's a real problem we're really lost so we expect like some ancient tribe had it right one point in time they awaited the return of the Anunnaki you know they were aware of all of the signs of the astrology all of them they had though 6,000 years ago oh so they were making [ __ ] up back then too all the astrology's for real with if someone could tell you the future would you even want to listen do you want to know what the [ __ ] is gonna happen when you go to see a movie I [ __ ] hate when I go to a movie and I know what's gonna happen that's why I hate can't come because you you're making the same goddamn [ __ ] movie over and over again if someone can tell you about your future would you listen stop okay if someone can tell you about the past he knew everything about my grandmother man don't you know everything about you the [ __ ] you waste your time on what some other dude knows about your grandmother that's crazy it's [ __ ] carnival tricks [ __ ] [ __ ] trying to get laid they're being creepy about it pretend you read my mind [ __ ] you can't read my mind you know it and I know we're not there yet we're closed I don't give a [ __ ] what anybody says man when you're thinking about somebody their [ __ ] phone rings and it's them that's a creep out you can take your statistics and stuff them up your ass this [ __ ] happens too much and I don't see any [ __ ] people doing reports on it how do you know when it happens how many people do you really ask well you know statistically proven that there's not really a difference between when you think about someone and you call you or whether or not they just call you're not asking me did they ask you no don't ask you know no one's asking nobody every [ __ ] day one of us is doing that mike is such a crazy [ __ ] every one of us is doing that we're not filling out forms and telling you we're doing it but that shit's happening [ __ ] happens all the time start thinking about someone you haven't talked to since high school you get a text from them what the [ __ ] is really going on you don't know [ __ ] stop pretending stop hiding behind your physics book you [ __ ] give you some ecstasy and take you to the rave you're gonna throw away all your sasquatch nonsense Oh Oh your skepticism what else we get out of here it's probably late right what time is it so 12:30 with time toward 12:35 what time did this stupid things start 10:00 I've been on stage for like an hour means would you say it's King Taco Time what is King Tut an hour and 10 minutes that's preposterous no one should listen to anybody talk for that long I'm so sorry all right ended it see that's the problem I didn't really have any material so I didn't know it's probably a joke in there somewhere if you hear that again don't get mad at me it's just I don't steal it from myself that was a lot of fun thank you very much guys [Music] Carrillo is like there's an old expression that this is warning is one Buddhist he said to Buddha came to town we sent to Buddha III there versus beer well you know beers are people that don't like commitment Oh n-no no you mean uh the Miller Lite I'm gonna drink Amstel Light let you think that I'm interested I like foreign things yeah here's a delicious beverage if you're an adult and you've acquired a taste for it you really shouldn't you really better output vodka and kool-aid better weird about acquired tastes no and what the [ __ ] would you acquire a taste for caviar you can afford to eat thousand dollars an ounce taste or some salty [ __ ] terrible that costs a lot of money why would you just eat cheese cheese is universally accepted as big delicious available almost everywhere places up a good sandwich that's very nice grated up on pasta white [ __ ] around fishies you know show me what you can afford [ __ ] thousand dollars she [ __ ] fish eggs [ __ ] you man see that's a beer versus alcohol in a nutshell connected it's all down to whatever man's [ __ ] right [Laughter] rest is all smooth content you know can't get your work if you can keep it together you totally bail out your driver work prove to me office job sucked it would suck weight less if you had a little buzz you can't really [ __ ] change my oil if you're tipsy so go dump it in the ocean those commercials in decries should sadly eraser this will do that I'm wearing this le Oh Gracie sure he's the guy that basically invented you get sued not really but took like jiu-jitsu from the Japanese for the much bigger stronger me the little tiny guy who's there 140 pounds and he followed his like enormous dudes and figured out how to use leverage and get them tired as Miss Franklin yes he had like 15 sons he never [ __ ] a woman when he didn't want to procreate all I wanted to do is shoot close enough maybe fifteen sons and now those sons mean that won't work my future champions you might have been one of the baddest dicks lighters mister Leo Gracie might have been the greatest dicks when you're wrong he created voice Gracie the Ultimate Fighter the first original Ultimate Fighter and his brother is not even better than him he's got a brother Hicks and it's [ __ ] chokes out Jesus - why - what about Genghis Khan why you [ __ ] y'all [ __ ] out in the middle of talking about something else who you sir your [ __ ] right now should be taught to be the booze could be whatever else your own shop son do you hear your own voice goddamn it there's a lot of people out there don't you hear the wrong horse you know why those are the same people that when they're taking a left turn and the light turns red Oh cigarettes out their [ __ ] windows okay [ __ ] stop you guys like to ruin your own body with cigarettes money they toss them out of the [ __ ] wilderness shittiest things about human things even more shitty when you see come out of [ __ ] [ __ ] I saw the real Hollywood today on the PCH I was on the PCH and I saw this old lady and a wig was this chick came to town to be a star that worked out this is wearing a wig any freaking corners about back when she suck Burt Reynolds dick that's my answer [Applause] I'm [ __ ] and literally all the time the other day and on the show nobody can set [ __ ] strippers alright is one of them this is the truth I would like this one a little glitter there's two types of glitter is the glitter that's like oh that's the greasy stripper glitter on glitter that's how crazy they trick vampires into some horrible thing that haunts your nightmares and murders children it sucks the blood out of babies like in the original Dracula 70 thousand years old he goes to high schools too that's why this was crazy you know why because there's an imbalance vaginas are way more valuable than theirs they feel better okay it's just by the nature of the beast that you can stick things in their self if you have one right probably better than today there's a lot of things out there that technology's created that are probably way better than theirs those women's faces like these that take creatine [ __ ] wrap it up your [ __ ] can do ears on one side here things twisting at six horsepower [Laughter] [Music] who doesn't know Joey Diaz this beautiful now when I was in the comedy store like the late 90s and I met Joey Diaz I think I met Joey opening the hard thing is going on and starting like from scratch really important for young comedians but it's really like hard if you're gonna do like the first 10 minutes or like [ __ ] and get everybody loosened up when they start getting into it but an opening act is kind of important like it allows you to just jump right into your material you don't gotta pussyfoot around every story which mean we're working in Jersey where Rascals and or an East Orange or West all those [ __ ] places God forsaken [ __ ] holes the corner of reality where those [ __ ] and boats came over like a hundred years ago and landed mistake yeah that's futures that's what and the first night this shows an eight o'clock and I call Jody frantically and there's no joke he just doesn't show up and they realize that about 8:05 also we get a local guy show starts in half an hour late and I finally get a hold of Joey the next day coming and I got sick it was a bunch of [ __ ] happened I'd even be there tonight so come to mention that [ __ ] guy's cell phone don't work right so Joe is coming I talked to him on the phone tonight use the misunderstand and clocks no time get ahold of the phone I'm not gonna lie to you I never thought Vegas [Laughter] all my rules you need to know that exist you know just just [Laughter] [Laughter] [Laughter] religious I'd like transvestites they cook they clean you can beat on every once in a while the cops come who you gonna believe me or some dude with a wig in a black eye have that on a [ __ ] DVD you're a real comedian okay it's alright Christopher Ryan both of those that girl might be a flea okay Christopher is a guy who wrote a book called sex at dawn and what sex at dawn is about polyamorous relationships mostly it's about cultures where people just [ __ ] everybody which is like what all these like African readers are the great parts of Brazil a lot of these like indigenous cultures were people there are hundred people they just [ __ ] each other and that's what we're supposed to do yeah that's what Chris Wright said that's what we're designed to do and then what's confusing about people is that we live with these crazy societies like my friend Jim Norton was a really hilarious comedian I was used to him as an example since he lives in New York City and he lives in a giant building looks like 100 floors or some [ __ ] like that and he doesn't know anybody oh my god where's that box boxes literally what he said was 48 stories or something how many [ __ ] people is that god damn that's a lot of people know there's something weird about that we're not designed for the very place that we all know I'm not designed for cities we're not designed for any of this this is weirdness that's the sign for metal boxes that keep you away from other people by a very distinct barrier so much solar in your car you would never on the street who's got a baby so you need to [ __ ] Drive fast something about that there's something weird about the whole society that we live in doesn't make any sense we're supposed to be tribal we don't have the facilities we don't we don't have the harddrive space to deal with a million people has 20 [ __ ] people and it didn't happen until super recently they were the last thousand years all of a sudden there's a [ __ ] bunch of people everywhere some old [ __ ] Model T Hardware we just we were tight break you can't handle it we're at 40 keyboard to keep the [ __ ] gears from clinching up together we can't handle it we're not designed for cities we're not designed for the internet we're not designed for so many [ __ ] people so what a chick says that's why think about it where are the female suicide bomber camps where they get them I gather to tell them seventy to take away two communities come from them always God never soft insults but the way you look they want to make love to you constantly need to do you walk in to have the best you testify that doesn't work we're going to do that you offer women that choice and they go I gotta love the [ __ ] [ __ ] this dark that's true I wish it wasn't some day I won't be I think this is an adolescent stage of human evolution I think one day some dudes got autism who was probably on some [ __ ] serious antidepressants mathematics all day he's gonna figure out a way to turn great the [ __ ] out because no time tomorrow there won't be such a profit they figured it out man I have you ever seen the thirties you ever seen I was in the dues of time we were in Pittsburgh we went there for a UFC this is a total luck situation no one had any idea that would plan that at all it was a UFC that was in Pittsburgh at the same time as a national furry convention so we showed up and we're driving on the street and first of all I was high as Travis over the way I look at it it's a three half hour guard I have two options I can check my email I can watch a movie I can do a lot of stupid [ __ ] that I don't really need to do or you know [ __ ] really strong cookie and see what I need to fix uncomfortable man there's a decision that I make when I'm in line and I'm in line the thing that's travels before they start checking your IDs and the TSA and I got that cookie in my hand I just nothing good do it it's a ritual just as ritualistic as put the [ __ ] eagle's feather in your hat dance around a fire come on stupid I don't need to do that we have heaters in their homes but here's a real ritual for the 24 first century shaman all right the real issue is pop cookie right before the guy has to take your ID you should even know what kind of random dispensaries or some dude just quit doing porn films six months ago and took all his earnings and filming weird people get [ __ ] speculums to put their [ __ ] random so 5x cookies you know who the [ __ ] made that cookie that's no bar code on that Cooke no [ __ ] Yelp page you can reference to find out how strong that is I'll take that pot cookie with faith in the universe and the power of the laws of attraction and send me could message your way and sit whenever the [ __ ] seat you are and wait for the hurricane that plane is just gonna be watching some stupid statue Bullock movie reenacting every person you've ever had sex with your entire life paranoid my position is ever wants to be paranoid that's probably what's wrong with life is that not enough people are paranoid not number the time we should really rethink almost everything we do because everything we do that's causing massive damage to the world is done by people who weren't [ __ ] paranoid they're pretty sure that they were doing let's call can i phone you know what you want [ __ ] you might be the [ __ ] Twilight Zone episode check by coincidence I'm gonna be a furry you go watch that Twilight Zone weekly chapter it literally might be a mascot a sasquatch 61 people don't eat Captain Kirk before he's Captain Kirk must be us a purpose first of all that girl's Pete's name for sure [Applause] you got a [ __ ] deerskin more cloth of your vagina bro I'll keep the best recycle grab that girl goes within ten feet of the beach shark to start from the air beat to themselves first right in the [ __ ] here crashing the hose brewing millions of dollars [Applause] no spiritual purpose don't be [ __ ] annoying maybe that's what Buddha should say maybe that could really connect if the [ __ ] dumb I'm gonna step down the stupid box and say hey guys you can just wear it all orange [ __ ] you you come out and say this now [ __ ] going on let's just stop at any idea what's our spiritual purpose [Laughter] already [ __ ] up clearly I'm one of the rare human beings and life has ever had the pleasure of losing a job because people had a drink probably never happen to anyone else you know I'm not proud of the lot of [ __ ] I've done but that's one thing that makes me stand back though you guys did that the last season of Fear Factor it was like that brought it back bigger than BC I'm a [ __ ] I did it again all these crazy [ __ ] telling myself my can get you away from other people in the car you go the people are crazy look at the zombie invasion hits and you have a tank already you just can't take a drive away not the end all be all but it's something to be considered and this is all just validation from the fact across - we did the new Fear Factor they try to be bigger better than ever and one of the craziest ideas of the hapless they're going to make people drink you literally 24 ounces of calm and donkey piss - and with no shoes and if you've got a drink 5 ounces it's okay [Music] Oh launch pillow on the roof of a dragster and just stopped on the gas that's what it was like this poor girl about launched in the air but she lived so we kept going metaphor masika's but with sickness was loathe I showed up I didn't know what they were able to do just surprised that's why we said surprise me I don't want to be involved the surprise when they get there so I get there I want I want to be able to tell them with a certain amount of surprise myself but I got there and they go the good madness people sharing 24 ounces the most thing concerns 24 ounces I'm in my trailer because if your do you drink 24 ounces a car if you're ever late on your rent is way easier secretary I'm not saying that makes you gay but look if you need a hundred bucks real quick on the loudest [Laughter] [Laughter] [Applause] someone wants to be able to not sleep in time defining chores in Arizona dogs train dogs they come looking for Mount Lions but something happens when they go on a set of a cat that cat doesn't go up a tree for hours and hours and hours of hours to the wee hours of the morning dogs approach and one of the ranch hands serves the other animals like this [Music] affective dogs are you sure you have an outline or Jam it's a Jaguar yo them on backup those dogs have died out there you know about all that right I love three dogs but then there's some [ __ ] hippies like this crazy [ __ ] to ask me what a spiritual Jaguar rescue meeting like oh let's save all the werewolves to peaceful my name is shotgun barrels you know watch your back especially the Benicio del Toro there medicine but not evil like [ __ ] werewolf ninjas this is just appear behind trees with no footstep sounds nobody knows about the [ __ ] regulations my use is silver look there's one wearable from the woods we would afford the [ __ ] Jaguars there are the jungle it's a [ __ ] epidemic right don't like my son [ __ ] pound dogs all right they're everywhere Jaguars are dangerous I say kill them off take pictures of them make videos hire people to use CGI and recreate them and shoots lemons let the life of pie I love it if I could walk through the jungle naked and not worry about anything at the top of the food chain I demand some respect should be like an invading army of the likes of which you've never seen [ __ ] the Romans the people are here we're bringing coolers and Kevlar and [ __ ] furnaces ladies are being shotguns armored [ __ ] Jaguar I'm with the people I got a [ __ ] motorcycle helmet on the chainsaw base metal gloves from the [ __ ] 13th century yeah nice more [ __ ] that my friends behind me have guns we make a circle [ __ ] Jaguar just start walking through this jungle [ __ ] around everybody fires everything around you fire right [ __ ] prove the crazy [ __ ] stinky armpits okay you're stinky with pistols yes strong females your with good sent some you must be know you like hygiene right I know you like him already got that message Julie not so fun it reminds me of Lenny Kravitz songs not saying long time truly if Lenny Kravitz hasn't [ __ ] up it's just because he hasn't what you hippie over there lady I'm just very nice the last is your girlfriend [Music] you can meet her you know we should do you should put her [Applause] [Music] look I'm not hatin I just froze awesome [Music] I've always been bummed out by that I've always been bummed out here we say don't bring it down tell us bring us down I'm trying to make some common things and some people know Kilmer in that if Dobbins ever do grow hands we are far they figure out I get those [ __ ] tanks and fire guns [Music] we do flips for facematch it's really rude monkey man the only gonna squirrel ask you to squirrel the face and things like that I think they have little 9-volt batteries I think they barely know what's up I think they run from they live for motivate you shoot me eat forever no you're not the squirrel squirrel man you couldn't go to the grocery store and buy a steak you need to [ __ ] on this world I think that's what was missing in our lives we're so protected we're so insulating the [ __ ] fast-food chains it gives pull into a [ __ ] alleyway and there's a lady you give her some paper and they drive up and there's another ad and she gives you meet with somebody cooked problem folks okay you shot us we're on the face maybe you'd appreciate the [ __ ] out of this world especially the children require bringing down I was trying not to that [Applause] and sandals into the world with a [ __ ] chainmail vest hat full of feathers put makeup on all willy-nilly with no fears of their consequences wear eyeliner gives zero [ __ ] stop leaving your chest open for so long our like the more you deny it the more it grows like Sauron FBI then watches the ring the balance towards the dark side of the force doing sign that you ruin for everybody when you see a sig alert consider your own actions as possibly you could be the wings of the butterfly that causes the hurricane view by denying your own data's all over the [ __ ] 405 this balance in life sir you got your 90 million Wilson minute of life don't listen to anything I just said that's what's refreshing what's your fishing is we all know nobody understands the stock market nobody understands the Kardashians why Ryan Seacrest and you don't get married so the world explodes so the universe can't take anymore canis magnis an imbalance in California we're in a sense a giant asteroid to fill the hole those robots on the Morning News a strange sight above the 405 inside of Ryan Seacrest an unknown man keeping them above the traffic signal in the form of fine look look at those traffic people have their cars with their cell phones do streaming right now when Seacrest give zero [ __ ] that guy doesn't care they're so happy v3 I just took mushrooms before his broadcast and I knew that this was going to be a real 2012 we're off by about 16 months imagine is you and Brian secrecy around the world and that people know

Channel: Cult Comedy

Views: 2,459,051

Rating: 4.49263 out of 5

Keywords: Joe Rogan, stand up comedy, special, full, joe rogan experience, comedy, funny, improv, stand up, Rogan, podcast

Id: -UyQD3AprxI

Length: 121min 17sec (7277 seconds)

Published: Fri Dec 29 2017