Zoltan Kaszas - Tornado Warning - Stand Up OKC

very glad to be here i uh i had an interesting day i'm staying at a hotel just like a block or two from here and i i went to leave to go get some uh like breakfast i was gonna get late breakfast at mcdonald's and then i don't like did you guys hear like a giant alarm that went on you guys heard that [Music] walking the streets of oklahoma city is it a tornado warning uh here's a tip like tell people from out of town just you know make us feel welcome like let us know because i didn't know what the hell that was i stepped outside and just [Applause] i'm like am i not allowed to leave the hotel is that what that was is that supposed to be quarantining what's happening and the best part is i was walking by a guy who's getting out of his car in the parking lot of my hotel he's obviously not from here because he's staying at the hotel with me and we just look at each other and he just goes what is that and i'm like i don't know and i brought it up on the last show and they're like it's a tornado warning and i'm like yeah warn people all right i thought it was the start of the civil war i'm like is that are we doing it now is it now [Applause] i almost grabbed a tree branch and snapped it just gonna stab a homeless guy in the neck i'm like we're warren everybody starts today i didn't know what it was that scared me i found out afterwards that it was a tornado warning and it was just the test and i'm like cause i'm like that makes sense cause i'm like it was beautiful out today but i also live in san diego i don't know tornadoes maybe that's what tornadoes come out of just nothing because i live in a land of earthquakes and it doesn't care if it's sunny outside so i'm like maybe the tornadoes are the same situation [Music] but yeah it was a good way to start the day they woke me up even before i got the coffee in me i'm like i'm awake now all right and then i walked over to mcdonald's this one right behind me and uh they they're not open like you can do a drive-through but like the you can't go inside to order and i'm like who's making these rules like mcdonald's is like you can't come inside i'm like i'm performing at a super spreader event tonight like how is this legal but mcdonald's is like we have morals like we can't we draw the line here and i told my girlfriend about i'm like i can't get mcdonald's because it's closed but the drive-through's open she goes go stand in the drive-through and i'm like i can't do that that is for that's for 2 a.m and drunk that's what that is for there's a time and a place for everything and you can't just stand in a drive-through at 11 a.m wearing sweatpants just like very glad to be here this is a notch on the bucket list i've always wanted to perform across the street from a bass pro shop so this is like this is a big deal for me that is so oklahoma out there i don't like right outside those doors you guys are really pushing it you're like you're in oklahoma now like it is it's a bass pro shop there's a sonic like corporate building like it's you can't get a burger but there's like paperwork there you know there's mickey mantle boulevard up there the flaming lips alley kings of leon i'm performing in a venue between like a weed store and an ihop like it's it's a lot there's barry oklahoma be here it's nice to do this like i uh i live in san diego california and this is highly illegal like this what we're doing right now is the most illegal thing you could do in all of california like you'd be better off just shooting a bald eagle in the face in california it'd be like what's he doing uh he's wearing a mask it's all right we're gonna let it slide but if we did this they'd drag us out of here and cuff us so crazy i was in arizona last weekend and then this weekend obviously i'm here and it's so funny growing up in san diego like if you wanted to do something illegal you would go to mexico you know and now if you want to do something illegal we go to arizona that's what we do arizona oklahoma all the cities that wanted the wall like that's where we go [Laughter] and now i get it you didn't want to compete i get that you're like we want those californians to come in here and spend their money i'm like all right i'm on it you know yeah this this last 12 months have been crazy i've in san diego i've performed at parks i've performed at the beach and parking lots all sorts of outdoor places even those are illegal now and i just remember thinking i was performing at the park and i was like man if someone came up to me january 2020 and it was like i'm from the future i'm gonna let you know that in about six months you're gonna be performing at the park i would be like why what the hell happened like did i get me tood what the hell happened why am i no longer allowed indoors what happened and then cut to six months later someone's like hey i'm doing a show at the park would you like to i'd love to please sign me up i miss doing comedy i've also done zoom shows i don't know if you guys know what that is but yeah like zoom meetings i'm doing this into my laptop and it's as bad as you think it is you're just i'm just sitting on my couch doing this into my computer at people's faces while they're looking at their computer and like here's something you might not understand about comedy but like if i bomb at a venue if it goes poorly i just never go back to that venue all right coming up i bombed at many bars and restaurants in san diego that i still won't step foot into because i remember you know i just drive by and snarl at the venue going i'll never go in there but on a zoom mating i will bomb at a place that i pay rent at and then the next morning i'm like yup that's where it happened it all went downhill right there my favorite couch i did three company christmas parties in december via zoom and uh they went as horribly as you'd imagine i did this one it was for a company we did it at like one in the afternoon and it was okay uh there was one lady she was i think a little older she had her audio on but she didn't realize it she had her video off so he just said nancy and by her voice i could tell she was probably a little older and i remember i hit a joke and like people laughed so i heard the laughs coming in and i was like all right that joke worked and as soon as the laughter died down nancy's voice came in she didn't know we could hear and she's like i don't know how much more of this i can take i gotta get to costco that's much and everyone laughed way harder at that than my joke and there i was just in my living room going damn it nancy like you're stealing my thunder an interesting week man not as interesting as last week last week was crazy you guys watched that two wednesdays ago the ride at the capitol i watched it before the riots started i watched it because they were counting the electoral votes and i was actually about to tweet how boring it was in fact i did i was like man this is so boring and as soon as i hit send it became not boring it's like the universe was listening to my tweets and they're like zoltan needs entertainment send them in it was wild man like i don't know if your experience was like mine but like all the people i deleted off of facebook showed up on my tv outside all of them is that my uncle i haven't talked to i haven't talked to him in months why the hell is he dressed like a yak what is what is going on i gotta shoot him a message see what he's up to it was wild i don't know what their plan was i'm not sure they had one i honestly don't think they thought they were gonna make it in that's the look they had on their face they're like we're gonna raid the capitol they probably won't let us in and then once they got in they just had like a moment where they're like well what now and then someone was like selfies like us let's take selfies and then it went from like a raid and an insurrection into it just looked like a bunch of tourists at a madame tussauer's wax museum they were like putting maga hats on statues and taking pictures i'm on nancy pelosi's desk i'm like i've done this as a tourist i've done this it's wild man it's a crazy week and then this week we got uh we have uh impeachment number two which you know what personally what's embarrassing about that this is the second time around and i still don't get how impeachments work do you know how dumb that makes me feel my girlfriend she's from canada so she's like so what happens now and i'm like i don't know and she's like didn't this happen a year ago and i'm like yeah you know what it felt like it felt like being in high school and failing the first quiz and then that question comes around in the finals again and you're like damn it i'm about to get this wrong twice i feel like an idiot should have paid attention in history class but i did not i also did this last week i don't recommend you do it but i went online because they have a thing online where you can type in your information and they will tell you where you are in line for the covid vaccine so all they ask you is your age and what you do for a living and what state you live in so i typed in 33 california comedian and they let me know that out of the 40 million people that live in california i am 33rd millionth in line and i remember reading that going just say no like why did you keep counting once you got to 30 million like that wasn't enough and he's like no he's more 33 million like by the time i get the vaccine it won't even be cool anymore like once i post the instagram story of like me getting the shot everyone's gonna be like yeah whatever it's gonna be like me and skinny jeans all over again late to the party you know i'm kind of happy that i'm 33rd millionth in line i don't like to be in the first wave you know test it on 33 million people if they don't grow a second head all right then i'll take it i don't like to be the first you know but i went online after i saw that i was so late in line to get the vaccine and i went on social media and so many people were like i'm never taking the vaccine they can't make me and i wanted to reach out and go oh dude don't worry they're not thinking about you at all like that like yelling you're not going to take the vaccine that's like if people on third class on the titanic were like we're not getting in the lifeboats [Applause] don't worry there's nothing for you like we are not thought about one of the uh one of the better i think it's gonna be one of the best clubs in the country like the vibe here is great but really what i wanted to show off is this green room like there's so many clubs out there that don't have a green room or their green room is a closet with like one burnt out light bulb in it this is what it should look like you got a tv you got a refrigerator in there with all sorts of water and beer and all sorts of stuff there's chips and look at this it's a coffee table made out of chocolates and snacks and sweets it doesn't even cost that much i mean we're looking at what a hundred hundred fifty dollars worth of stuff right here like the other club in this town i'm not gonna name them but uh there was no free food or drinks it would give you an employee discount it takes very little to feel very special not even a good discount no it wasn't it was what was it fifty fifty percent fifty percent fifty percent off of i don't know if i hit two fives this is not yeah i know fifty percent but how much are there full price bud lights like three dollars yeah something like that so they would still have the goal to charge you a buck 50. i remember one time i was working with a comic uh and the manager at the club he had like one beer and he made me call the headliner to tell him to come back up to pay his tax oh my god and this is at the club i'm talking about i mean can i say the comic's name yeah it was andy woodhole i love him i know andy woodhole was great they called him up to come back to anyone who was the nicest human one of the nicest human beings on the planet and seriously what i'm talking about hey you will you come back and pay your tab please how about i never come back to this club and that's why this is amazing it costs and anytime i work those clubs where they don't give you free food or drink i purposely don't eat or drink there and they're like don't you want something i go no for the same reason that if you come to my house and i make you a sandwich you give you a beer i don't give you a tab like i don't open a tab for you i just give it to you hospitality

Channel: Zoltan Kaszas

Views: 107,845

Keywords: Zoltan kaszas, modern male, cat jokes, dry bar comedy, Comedy Central, Netflix, Joe rogan, joey Diaz, marc maron, jim gaffigan, mark normand, Brian Regan, comedy, stand up, clean comedy, Louis ck, Dave attell, nate bargatze, bill burr, tom segura, Theo von, Stand up comedy jokes, stand up comedy 2020, list of male comedians, best stand up specials of all time, stand up comedy youtube, stand up comedy shows, Tornado Warnings, Oklahoma City, stand up comedy on netflix

Id: wKtvx4C0bCs

Length: 15min 35sec (935 seconds)

Published: Fri Jan 22 2021