I'm Funnier Than This

he has one the funniest comic in Texas he's one of my best friends give it up for mr. Rollo Sanchez [Applause] buddy thank you I appreciate that Austin Texas how the hell are you [ __ ] awesome man I love this town nice to live here for two years and I'll tell you everyone for bicyclists and that organized crime that you guys refer to as apartment complexes I probably still be here some [ __ ] ran me right out of town man [ __ ] hate it you know I was wait I hate when they say that like Oh Austin's a bunch of hipsters but he's nice and baristas know if you live here long enough you know there's a little part in Austin that I like to refer to as little San Antonio very unsafe yeah enough about you guys talk about me yes so uh give it up for me everybody I got a white girlfriend my parents think I'm successful now I had green bean casserole for the first time [ __ ] delicious I don't even know what's in it cuz I don't even know a lot about white cuisine but it's gotta be up there right behind corn dogs and mac and cheese hot dogs which are like white tacos I guess I have a friend who had just got out of prison right and uh something's I don't like hanging out with him cuz like he always wants to play these Prison games yeah I don't mean weird [ __ ] like I mean literally like every time I come over to his house he always wants to play me chess he's like a rose let's play chess real quick play a game of chess like nah man I don't know how to play chess and I think it's kind of boring he goes oh man see the reason you don't know how to play chess it's cuz chess chess is a thinking man's game is it Eddie is it a thinking man's game or is it the game of a man who couldn't go outside for seven years so yeah I don't know how to play chess cuz I was allowed to go to the mall [Applause] so why don't we just have a toothbrush sharpening contest while we're at it I don't challenge you to things that I'm clearly better at hey Eddie let's see you can live with their mom the longest clearly have an unfair advantage in that I grew up in a pretty tough neighborhood man and you could tell it was a poor neighborhood cuz all the houses had chain-link fences yeah I know you don't know what that means I ask yourself this question when's the last time you've been through a nice neighborhood and thought well look at that beautiful chain-link fence it really brings out the Victorian windows nice houses don't have chain-link fences you have a chain-link fence in your houses like you're saying look I want my privacy but also check out this wet couch I have in the backyard pretty sweet right five days after it rains you can almost sit on it and growing up my father used to be a painter all right when I was a kid he used to paint houses right but when I told all my friends in elementary they thought I meant a painter like Picasso until they were there what did your dad do for a living I was like oh he's a painter they go there fathers does he make a lot of money being a painter I was like I guess we had cable there for a while it's gotta count for something right because when you're a kid you don't really know the difference between being rich and being poor like I didn't know we were poor I just knew that in our house if someone was in the shower and you turned on the faucet you might kill him I know because that's what my dad used to yell how are you trying to tell me it's like yeah dad that's what we're drunk we're trying to murder you with lousy plumbing matter of fact I think that's how assassinated one of the Kennedys the CIA flushed the toilet while he was in the shower and I'm America lost her innocence as neighborhood it wasn't like the worst place even in the city you know but it was definitely some [ __ ] villains there you know and when I say villains I mean like dudes were like they wouldn't just steal from you they also like to do things to mess with your head while it did it you know cuz I remember one time this dude stole my backpack but it was the way that he did it that [ __ ] my head cuz we were sitting there talking he goes yeah that's a nice backpack you got there man could I see that backpack real quick I was like yeah sure and he grabs it and he looks at it and goes man this is a nice backpack and then he like zipped it open and then he grabbed my books and he just politely set him on the ground and then he goes oh man I gotta get out of here he just starts walking away and I go hey man what are you doing my backpack and I can't even stop walking he just got mad what backpack and I just [ __ ] with my head because that was the first time that I ever realized that there are going to be some times in life where things are just gonna stop being yours for no reason you're just like oh that's not mine anymore they don't know that could happen but now I do and what was worse is like this dude didn't just steal my backpack man like he stole my reality you know cuz I went home my books under my arm like trying to be all man right like I was like dude stole my mama's like hey where's your backpack I was like man what backpack you know backpack here anyway that's why I want to have kids one day do I want to have kids man 32 and I don't know anything about parenting you know matter of fact the only thing that I know about parenting is that parents absolutely hate when someone that doesn't have kids tries to talk to them about parenting they [ __ ] despise it dude dude their kid could be on fire if I so much as suggest pouring water on him well you know what wrong whenever you have kids if you want to pour water on them fire by all means until then put that bucket of water back where you found it I beat the [ __ ] out of my kids when they're on fire and I've had people to say that's really as me Oh would you ever hit your kids if you ever have kids are you gonna hit him of course not I would never hit my children I would pay somebody to do it for me like a spanking hit man someone that waits outside my son's elementary and as he's walking by is like hey you little man well Sanchez he's like yeah who wants to know roses alone something sometimes sometimes I can't see myself having kids you know cuz I'll think about it and I go I gotta wait to like achieve more yeah and I think [ __ ] I'm 32 like by the time my parents were my age they had already traumatized five children and they only had two the other three were friends and hung out too much where the solution I am 32 managed turn 32 burlier this year and uh I gotta say that [ __ ] snuck up on me though yeah I feel like I was 22 just a couple of days ago you know all of a sudden I'm gonna [ __ ] 32 I'm not a kid anymore you know well you know when it really hit me when I was sitting there thinking about it and I was like man I don't even remember the last time I used the word party as a verb doing me like party is not an action anymore party is the place that I got invited to which I might not even go cuz my allergies ranking up old [ __ ] just snuck into my life out of nowhere I got about a bag of band-aids the other day I don't even have a cut I just saw him and I was like we should probably have these same corny old guys [ __ ] like it's better to have it and not need it it's good to be prepared man but you know what I don't like I don't like one like much older people try to make people in their 30s feel stupid when they say they're their old you know like when there's sound 30 like older people like to go what 30 yeah you're just a baby yeah you don't know what old is kid I'm 60 I'm oh you're 30 you're just a baby sighs no I'm not stop it dude being in your 30s is not young being in your 30s is only young if you died you understand like I might die of a heart attack in my 30s people are gonna be like oh my god he was still young but if I take their sixteen-year-old daughter out on a date I'm not so [ __ ] young anymore and what I thought it was a baby remember I'm the baby how do I become this old creep all of a sudden its relative man getting old is relative anybody can feel old it just depends I want you to get that feeling where you're like oh [ __ ] I've got to find happiness soon think that's what you do when you get older you find happiness I don't see anywhere in this efficiency and I've heard people say that if you want to find true love or true happiness better you want to find true happiness in this club you really want to be happy what you have to do is you have to find something that you love to do and do that for a living and that's how you find true happiness but I don't believe that [ __ ] though now man you don't have to have a great job to be happy you don't have to have that perfect job that you've always wanted says you were a kid dude all you got to do in this life to be happy with who you are and what you do all you got to do is find a job where you can steal things steal things from work anytime you feel shitty about your life and what you do steals something from work and here we go I work at McDonald's I feel like [ __ ] every day to steal something every day steals and don't just steal the same thing steal something different every time so if you worked at McDonald's for four years you should have already built another one in your backyard and now you're self-employed because you did the right thing you stole from work I usually do that [ __ ] at Best Buy all the time I still have a stack of copy paper like this big I don't even have a printer yeah they just told me I was gonna stay late one night and I was like all right well no this is happening hope you understand what you did and they you did it to yourself I say you also gotta exercise to be happy now that I do believe but it's like it's hard for me to get motivated because like my body's not terrible but it still falls under not good because like I have like a skinny out of shape torso yeah I mean where it's not gross is just annoying like to other people like if I go to the beach with all my friends right and then like my buff friend takes his shirt off everybody's like oh check that there are no swords in there everybody laughs you know fat Fran takes off his shirt and he owns and he's like yeah what a real man's body looks like everything if I take my shirt I was like hey man behave my naked upper body is the equivalent of getting your ear flicked in history class [ __ ] shirt on trying to concentrate but you know what I realized when I started exercising I realized that I don't have any workout stuff like nothing in my wardrobe says oh this guy probably works out now you ever go jogging in cargo jean shorts around your neighborhood cops don't know what to do is that good should we hope they're good or easy just late to a Christian rock concert I think he's jogging why is he wearing a Hawaiian shirt but that's all I have to work out but I never want to become like one of these people that are all militant about working out you know I always got to tell you how wonderful it is to work out like oh my god you have to work out it's so good for you when you work out your brain releases these chemicals these endorphins in your head it's like taking a drug really when you work out no it's not it's nothing like I've been a drug addict it was nothing like that never snorted a relic Oh be the snow boy my hamstrings are so [ __ ] just like working out he would do crazy things for drugs man not for workout gear that people don't suck a dick for a pair of Jordans not anymore since somebody did it in the 90s and immediately regretted it probably hit him after he hit his first jumper could have probably done that barefooted thank you guys for coming out tonight knows pretty uh very bland I hope my head's not to pay for my body I've been thinking about that lately a lot you can see that picture they had at me outside I know somebody here hates me but they had to book me hey there cuz I booze a lot man I love drinking right and then something in the morning I'll wake up and I look in the mirror and be like [ __ ] it's getting bigger I don't want to have a big-ass head man oh there is a difference right between having a head that's too big for your body and just having a big-ass head all together cuz babies don't have big eyes heads they have heads that are too big for their bodies it makes them look cute right John Travolta though that [ __ ] is a big-ass head you can put that head on a cow and you still be like and that colors weird and then someone will go you mean cuz it's got a human head on it you were like nah you know what it is that head is too big for that cow's body and it can't act [ __ ] mean yesterday's crowd went oh you guys were like yeah that big-headed [ __ ] [Music] sucks man I feel like it's just like a big-ass head that's such a boring flaw to have you know it's lazy like I feel like like when God is making people he gives him all flaws you know like to build character right later years you know and I feel like at first he's very creative he's like oh dude I'm gonna give this guy a big birthmark on the side of a face is gonna look bananas dude I'll put the map in New Zealand on his left cheek he develops a personality and I towards the end of the day he just wants to leave take off oh yeah you can't leave it took twenty more people you got to give flaws to he's just like just give him up big-ass head put him on Wisconsin you don't know the difference oh you guys don't have like like weird like flaw like we're you self-conscious about your body in a way ladies make some noise if you like to throw a know [Applause] you feel like self about something your ears or something hearing somebody with big [ __ ] hears right like across the room and then you think damnit guys got big [ __ ] news and then the guy with the ears goes here my thoughts you can hear my thoughts I was driving a speaking of weird-looking people I was trying to do a Walmart parking lot the other thing and I was trying to get out and I was driving like to the parking lot and I'm all of a sudden I had to come to a full stop like sudden because this couple walk right in front of me alright this guy and his girl holding hands right they didn't even acknowledge the fact that I almost [ __ ] killed him they just kind of like hit walking like whatever dude you got to stop for us you know and there were first of all they were wearing matching basketball shorts and matching wife beaters their feet were spilling out the sides of their sandals right real portrait for the sanctity of marriage these two were right and they're walking so slow that I look down and I go and then when I look up I realized that now they're looking at me and they're flipping me off going I [ __ ] you right and you know the best part was they they didn't stop holding hands they just use the other hand to go if love and hate look like it smelled like chili cheese fries that's what it would look like and I just kept on [ __ ] you [ __ ] you dude there should be a law that says the uglier you are the faster you should have to move in public yeah and I know what I look like I know if that law was in effect I probably have to jog everywhere I went but I'd be willing to put up with it just so that I could see these two gargoyles do the 100-yard dash from their car to the Walmart entrance I would [ __ ] love it if that law was in effect dude half the people at Walmart would be on rollerblades [ __ ] but looking through the salty snack section I'm snatching bags of Cheetos as they drive by oh [ __ ] damn yeah we're lovely see how fast he was going [ __ ] [Music] racism the terrible thing isn't it no you guys are [ __ ] cool with it is terrible it is a terrible thing but I understand it now I understand it I get where it comes from I'm not saying it's okay but I get that sometimes people just don't get the right thing across you know and that's how I came to understand racism right I was I was in a station in California right me and my friend Deering decided to go into the city right on a past hearing was a very good friend of mine a very white friend of mine right and we're downtown and we're about to cross the street right before we cross the street there's car full of Mexican kids passes right by and one of them folks has head out the window and he yells at us I forget his exact word but had something to do with Deering and I be and homosexuals and having gay sex with each other or anything and as soon as he said that my friend Deering lost his [ __ ] mind and he just started yelling and cursing at these kids and I go dude stop that's what they wanted you to do that's the reaction they were going for Plus look at what this kid just said that kid is stupid he just said that we were gay and then we had gay sex with each other that's not an insult cuz I reacted to his words the same way I would have reacted if he had yelled out hey you two guys are middle school teachers and during the day you teach a middle school okay first of all no or not and secondly even if we were yeah that is what we would do that's not a names because if this kid really wanted to mess with our heads you should have yelled out hey you two guys are straight but you still [ __ ] each other in the ass oh my god that's gross and kind of scary a little bit but I finally get him to calm down right but now he's just venting out loud and that's when it comes out of him and he's like you see that's why I hate those [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] as soon as I heard just gonna show me your cards you're not even gonna let me bet that you're probably racist man you saw my reaction he goes oh but not you bro like you're cool right and at the time I thought I [ __ ] you you're racist at the time until two years later sitting outside of a bar with my girlfriend she's small gonna cigarette and this white chick comes up to me beautiful gorgeous the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen comes up to me she goes hey you give me a cigarette and I go what just give me a cigarette and go no you don't just [ __ ] demand a cigarette from somebody and expect what you asked for one politely and then maybe you get a cigarette so no you don't get a cigarette and she just looks at me and she goes whatever and she walks over to this [ __ ] [ __ ] sitting next to us and goes hey you give me a cigarette and this idiot practically breaks his hand trying to get the cigarettes out fast enough and he gives it to her Neil Isis for her and I turn to my girl and I go you see that that's why I [ __ ] hate women oh but not you baby yes they everyone that was born with you sometimes you say things you don't [ __ ] mean that's what I'm trying to get at I could be wrong I don't know you know I'm getting really tired of Native Americans flaunting their oppression in my face oh the white man stole our land and destroyed our culture yeah they did it to everybody you're not better than me Native Americans everybody's been oppressed even white people have been oppressed by other white people but still I'm glad you guys left it's a lot of white people everybody got all weird and the other shows cuz you know why it's some of these damn if they don't laugh they have two reactions and they're both [ __ ] stink right either they go oh that's right we do evil things i'ma stop enjoying myself self castigating things and the other one is like I wasn't here when they did that that wasn't my thing I wasn't here when they dad slaved and killed Indians I'm like yeah I wasn't here when I made the border but I had to cross it illegally for some [ __ ] reason it's not fair you got a deal with the other [ __ ] that other people did I've never broken into a car but I'm walking through a parking lot I got to deal with the [ __ ] that other [ __ ] did more of a statement than a joke really would everybody's been oppressed man but it's not about being oppressed it's about what you do with that oppression right every resilient culture in the history of mankind has ever been oppressed has always made something with it right like Jewish people made comedy right black people make music beautiful music Mexicans made of more Mexicans which I know is not as impressive as comedy music but you know somebody's got listen to that [ __ ] it's ridiculous man I believe in gun rights I believe the government has no right to tell you what kind of guns you can and can't have how many guns you can and can't have I believe that 100% but not because I believe in the Second Amendment or that [ __ ] man I'll tell you the truth if you ask me roll why do you have a gun I'll tell you the truth look I have a gun cuz I don't have time to learn karate just what a gun is to me matter of fact any time you pick up a gun you just picked up fifteen years of karate it's intimidating right especially when you pull it out and use it as a hearing in you're like what was that [ __ ] man [ __ ] yeah you're [ __ ] saying something man that's why I have a gun there and I don't trust the government I don't have a joke for that I just like to throw that out everywhere I go planting seeds is what I like to call it but I'm not really anti-authority guy you know I really do believe that out there in the real world sometimes you need cops man sometimes you need like I could never say with any truth that I've ever been mistreated by the cops I just can't I could never say that I've ever been you know abused by the cops whatever it be alive I said that however I have been treated differently then say my girlfriend for example was a tiny white woman all right like one time we were at a bar right and we weren't drunk we were nice you understand like that space between buzz and [ __ ] up when you're like to him I'm nice right now it feels good right well we were that and she comes up to me and she goes hero Maggie's having a birthday party we should go to make his birthday party I go alright but Robert you drove us here so if you want to go you gotta drive us there too and she goes yeah that's fine so we're speeding down the highway right and all of a sudden she looks up the rearview mirrors you goes oh my god I think we're getting pulled over I think we might be getting pulled over yep we're getting pulled over and as soon as he said that the first thought that went through my head was like whoa [ __ ] is we [ __ ] like I'm not getting pulled over I'm a responsible adult I've been drinking that's why I'm not driving well we get pulled over right as soon as that happens I'm like oh [ __ ] this [ __ ] is going to jail no way the whole car smells like alcohol I can smell it I'm [ __ ] up no that's not what happened you know what the cop did the cop just grabbed he grabbed her license and then he just gave her a pop quiz and her looks yeah yeah he just looked at her like he was gonna test her and he goes all right ma'am what color are your eyes she was brown and she said it like that sir like Oh got it thank God he asked me one that I knew because I'm [ __ ] up [Applause] and then the cop proceeds to ask but I like her her hair is how tall she is I'm starting to get mad right like not because I want my girl to go to jail or anything it's just that last time a cop pulled me over he wanted me to say the ABCs backwards and that's a [ __ ] question man and the cops know it is [ __ ] and this how much the cops know is [ __ ] cuz the cop goes all right sir say the ABCs backwards and I go backwards and goes wow it just touch your nose you can't just do that man that's like if I'm trying to rob you by sticking my hand in my coat pocket I'm like just take it up give me all your money you're like that's not a goodness you're Hanuman all right we got ten bucks I can borrow like no you just try to trick me well then I thought about I was like actually that's a pretty good question yeah cuz I don't think that question is meant for you to know the answer to it I think it's meant to see if you're drunk enough to actually try to do it it's supposed to simulate a drunk there and we're gonna drop with your friends I have to bet you want to jump over that ditch if you're so we're like don't break my ankles on this show but if a cop tells you to say that ABCs backwards and you actually try to do it that's like the cop going all right sir I'm gonna give you a field sobriety test I dare you to jump over that ditch you just stand there like look officer get out of the way hey you're going to jail you idiot a drunk person would actually try to do it you have rights denial but I am in a relationship man relationships are great until they're not right here's one thing I always found funny about relationships how our culture dictates how a relationship is supposed to progress because as a culture that's what we decided these are the steps that our relationship takes right like when you first I want your first start going out with somebody you live separately right like she's got our own apartment you got your own place at your mom's house right I don't mean to generalize you know okay I live with my mom till I was 29 but only because that's how long it took her to raise me it wasn't my fault I wanted to leave I was like a mom and my raised aunt she was like no you're not done yet saying all right well we're out of cereal just so you know probably go get something like Apple Jacks for nothing and then you get married right you get married and you move in together but I think it should be the other way around yeah I think when you first meet somebody you should immediately move in together like after the first date you should immediately move in together so you could see what you're working with you know do they squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom you're gonna have to throw him out a [ __ ] window cuz it's not that hard and then when you get married then you live separately dude how many relationships would that save when you're with somebody for a really long time you just like man I can't stand the way you chew your [ __ ] food anymore I'm gonna have to marry you so I don't see you every [ __ ] day you're in that just married limb alright all of a sudden it comes to a full stop they're like what are we stopping here for you're like this is me this is where I live now sweetie married me I remember I still can't believe that people think that getting cheated on is worse than getting dumped I kind of think so man [ __ ] that they're getting dumped is way worse than getting cheated on man okay when you get cheated on you get to yell you get the yell at the cheater you piece of [ __ ] I hate your guts your mother [ __ ] but when you get dumped you get to yell all that [ __ ] into a mirror if it meant something to you [Music] it is but you got to get over those things I ever had somebody like break your heart right because they leave you they'd rather be alone than be another [ __ ] day with you right and it hurt it hurts so bad when somebody that you love like dumps you because you don't even hurt like your heart it hurts like whatever the [ __ ] is in here like you're like damn you hurt me so bad you [ __ ] up my pancreas I need a new kidney transplant because your [ __ ] love sucks but you gotta get over those things man you got to get over bad breaks up breakups and [ __ ] like that man like the way I got over my last one is I just kept thinking about my next one yeah I just fantasize about my next girlfriend as soon as I got dumped I'll just sit there and I go yeah my next girlfriend's gonna be gorgeous the kind where they see us together they're like man why the [ __ ] is she with that guy I want that I'm just beautiful Queen gorgeous dumb as a rock no well now when I say dumb I don't mean like helmet dumb all right go pick her up now hey baby you ready energies I can't just give me a second just puts on a helmet [Applause] yeah I don't see your bike outside is Saigon oh this is my walking helmet I used to what could see sometimes when I'm walking my head will fall on the floor but it's still attached to my body and if I don't notice it I'll just keep dragging it all over the concrete and it's embarrassing I don't mean that dumb but I definitely want her to have trouble reading and I mean in a cute way you know where she asked me for help writing she's like baby what's the word the weird word let me see cactus she's not embarrassed by you you know she's like folding laundry like practicing it's like crazy word Acton want that in my life [Applause] she gets out of the shower ring wearing nothing but these tight green booty shorts gets on the doorway and she's like hey guess what I am beautiful thing no stupid at my cactus don't want that in my life I'm trying to say women are beautiful evil to the core that's why you can't let women know that they're beautiful all the time not all the time that a woman knows she's beautiful all the time just gonna take advantage of you so why ever once I know why you got to go up to and be like hey what's wrong with your eye that's when you go oh never mind this is the way it is to even the playing field can I get in trouble with my girl a lot you know because of the way I think could I believe that my my girlfriend is not my best friend she's never gonna be my best friend no let her know that you know and I don't mean like a [ __ ] that one is better than the other I think it's two different things you know a best friend and a girlfriend are two different things a best friend is somebody that I can go to for advice and I'm a big believer that you should never take advice from somebody that you're [ __ ] that's a conflict of interest and the same thing goes for women is like your man can't be your best friend you're gonna sit there and take advice from somebody that fingered you at a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert really that's the guy that's the guy that's gonna decide if you just start talking to your sister again it's two different things man I feel like a girlfriend is somebody that I can go to for help if I have an emotional need and a best friend is somebody that I can go to for help if I ever like murdered somebody because first of all I would never tell my girlfriend I might murder somebody [ __ ] no and not because I think that she would turn me in is just that I know for a fact that she would use it against me in a [ __ ] argument I really I don't see what you're so mad I mean it's not like I murdered somebody what the [ __ ] does that have to do with you wasting paper towels and look anybody that's ever made the sound oh it's never gonna help you dig a shallow grave let's forgot honest truth she might help you for the first 15 minutes but after a while but it is a tough time to make you stronger as a couple right I know I've gone through some [ __ ] with my girl man I had to buy a pregnancy test not too long ago here we go buy a pregnancy test at 2:30 in the morning after last call like you promised dude I went into CVS [ __ ] up just drunk out on my school it took me 30 minutes to find it I think my life might be over section and I finally found it right and I take the test up to the lady and I know she saw what I was buying man cuz she looked at it but she looks at it and then she grabs it and then scans it and it looks up at me and smile to go hi would you like to donate money for diabetes research no do you see what I'm [ __ ] buying right now do you see that I'm trying to buy the cheapest pregnancy test that you have with a $5 bill and seven dollars in quarters no I don't care about diabetes right now all I care about is me and hopefully just one other person I had nothing against people with diabetes I mean God bless them I hope God takes care of them maybe she just said that mentions it hi would you like to say a prayer for people with diabetes well yeah sure I can afford that mattifier go ahead and knock that [ __ ] on the drive home because I'm REE praying to God that she's not pregnant like oh god please don't let her be pregnant God please also there are a lot of people out there with diabetes [Applause] I'm making me think man the idea of an unplanned pregnancy man that's crazy you know you know it takes like $180,000 to raise a kid nowadays that's if you half-ass it that's just the money part the only way I can explain an unplanned pregnancy to myself in my head is like an unplanned pregnancy is like it's like if God was a cop an unplanned pregnancy would be God pulling you over and giving you a hundred and eighty thousand dollar ticket for speeding through a life and he's just standing there writing you a baby he's like sir I might have to write you a baby you know slow it down stupid oh because you didn't want to use a seat belt cuz it takes all the feeling out of driving hmmm I gotta get going sooner I was a I was in the Army for four years and uh ya know nobody believes me when I say everything I'm gonna say nothin mm-hmm no it's a issue but most of most the time when I say it people just kind of stay quiet cuz they don't you know but they see me cuz I'm a little dude and they're like what you don't even have shoulders please don't they issue you shoulders in the army it's true man I was airborne infantry I used to jump out of airplanes yeah scary [ __ ] thing scary [ __ ] ever man come a little do every time I jumped out it took me like three times longer than everybody to get to it [ __ ] run I got one point the parachute was beneath me I was like what the [ __ ] parachute is using me to lower itself safely [Laughter] but it was true man I always had to deal with that should be in a small dude in the army you know I like we used to do this thing called a buddy carry right and what the buddy carry is it's an exercise where what you do is you carry your buddy right and then when you get tired you put him down and then he carries you do this for a couple of miles until the exercise is over right but what I used to do is I used to always pair up with my friend McGinley right cuz we were kind of the same size and one day the platoons aren't caught a hold of what we were doing and he got really angry he goes hey you two [ __ ] come here the [ __ ] are you doing I go how are doing the Buddy carry sign because yeah why you two [ __ ] always getting together when we do the buddy carry and I go I could wear the same size sir goes yeah is that what you think you think when you're out there in the [ __ ] somebody gets hit it's always going to be some of the same sizes you know those rabid you come here no rabid who was our machine gunner this big [ __ ] monster of a man and he brings him over and goes now what happens if you McGinley and Rabideau are out there in the [ __ ] and rabidue is the one that gets hit what are you gonna do then I go pulsar you know I I do what I have to do you know I would man up and I shoot McKinley in the leg [Applause] he's my best friend about somebody videos that's why I always practice with McKinley but I know when [ __ ] goes down McKinley's getting shot he got so mad at me he made me carry revenue for the rest of the exercise which looked [ __ ] ridiculous because of how big he was and how little I was you know like every time I carried him it looked like an ant carrying a big piece of jury toe because rabid whose body was 230 pounds of man and my body was a hundred and thirty pounds of middle-school lesbian like not even the type of lesbian body they would be like I don't see why coach won't let us females play football it was more of the I think I like girls but he was right though and I'll tell you this story before it get a year man he was right cuz uh we went to Iraq one time when we got to know we got in a firefight right we got in a gunfight right what happened was we we pushed the enemy up against the Euphrates River right but we were in a palm grove so there was a lot of palm trees a lot of brush and we couldn't really see anything and we're ducked down there and the bullets are flying back and forth right and all of a sudden I hear somebody calling me to throw a grenade they're like sergeant Cerreta throw a grenade as soon as he said that I was like mmm you throw a grenade the boys are up here that's why we're all down here man and as I just talk her name and I was like are you sure because here's a lot of trees man that shaker bounced back and hit us I'll just throw the [ __ ] grenade oh my god dim so I grabbed it I grabbed the grenade right and I pulled a pin and then I get up on a knee and I chuck it as hard as I can and then I get down for the explosion and all I hear is and then somebody yelled at me like damn it senses you throw it too far man in the [ __ ] River House I don't yell at me we're on the same team don't focus on the negative [ __ ] yeah at least now we know they're not in the [ __ ] River you know but I think the reason I threw it so hard was because I was overcompensating cuz when I was in high school I was in the baseball team for two days cuz that's how long it took me to find out that I threw like a [ __ ] so it was no surprise to me when I got to basic training and all the drill sergeants were yelling I mean like damn it says why can't you throw a grenade it's just like throwing a baseball like I know it's [ __ ] difficult plus it's heavy man it's made out of metal and a little bit out of metal like of course it's made out of metal it's supposed to kill people well you can catch more flies with honey drill sir yeah that wouldn't that be great if that's how a grenade actually worried right when you throw a grenade a bunch of honey goes everywhere and it actually works right like the enemy's like well I want to keep fighting but I'm so sticky my neck keeps doing the thing when it sticks to your shoulder I'm gonna go wash off in the river oh my god don't go in the river throw a grenade together that's how they get you honey grenade river grenade Jenna I think I think after a while the enemy started knowing when it was me throwing the grenade every time I landed short cuz they started doing that little league thing all right everybody bring it in guys thank you so much where's my time hello searches among [Applause]

Channel: Raul Sanchez Comedy

Views: 1,295,910

Rating: 4.771708 out of 5

Keywords: stand up, stand-up, standup, comedy, stand up comedy, raul sanchez, stand up hour

Id: mak1HhfiFHE

Length: 50min 55sec (3055 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 17 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/TFK_LH]

What about this is “tight”? I do not understand

[u/[deleted]]

Lmao nice set

[u/Mr-Tiggo-Bitties]

This was hilarious