Bill Burr: “I’ll Never Own a Helicopter” - Full Special

from New York City Comedy Central presents Bill Burr all right thank you thank you very much all right nice nice to be here beautiful theater here I didn't do anything today I'm a loser man that was still when I was sitting around I was watching that show I MTV Cribs you guys know that show you don't show with this show all the rock stars and the rappers houses and all their stuff does that show make you feel like a loser kills my self-esteem I'm sitting there watching Britney Spears she's like 20 years old she's like oh my god this is my helicopter I had it spray painted pink to match my top today so cool I put some glitter part we're gonna fly up to the house I'm like 34 sitting on a futon eating macaroni and cheese like oh my God I'm a loser I'll never own a helicopter you know what I love about that show though all they're doing is showing you what not to do when you get rich seriously because none of those people are saving their money half of them all they have is One Hit album so should they really be buying all of that stuff 20 room house 17 cars he's just like dude don't you watch Behind the Music haven't you learned anything from that program you're going to be smoking crack in like six weeks save your money no they're done my type right now man if you want to know how to be rich don't look at a rapper don't look at a rock star look at a guy like Bill Gates that dude is so good at being rich it's like irritating he makes like 30 million dollars a day and look at him he dresses like he works in like a shoe store but that's why he's always gonna be rich he's not showing off trying to like buy all this flashy stuff like walking around like like an iced out laptop Medallion hanging off his neck have some fuzzy pimp hat to the side sitting in a hot tub with some you know have a in his crew just for the hell of it have you noticed a new status symbol of rich people midges I'm serious no entourage is complete now unless you have a and you know what that's good for midgets seriously because historically those people have not gotten good jobs even when they book a movie they never get to be the lead never get to be the hero they always got to play like a troll or a fairy run an album under a bridge biting on somebody's legs so I was listening to George Bush today you guys like George oh yes no I like George you know what I like about George Bush he makes me feel like I could be president too he's like the first guy like from my reading level you know like the first guy like from my math class to finally go out and do something you know what I love about George he can't say the word Terror he can he uses the word every speech he can't say Terror he goes tan he goes America will not stand for 10. anybody supports tear dear terrorist we're gonna get you what kind of President goes we're gonna get you [Applause] he's like some redneck they dragged out of a barbecue put them in a suit dog just standing on stage going we're gonna get you you should just be up there with a couple of bloodhounds going go get him move smell the shirt go get him damn that Blue's a good dog I'll tell you one thing I have realized though when you go to war man that's the one time when you really have to like appreciate rednecks though no you know why because rednecks they're like America they're like the one group of people that actually want to go to war everybody else tries to get out of it like rich people never go to war you ask a college kid if he wants to go to war he's just like um I'm taking the Sociology class and I think was like really stupid my roommate's like half afghanis that's gonna cause some static hell yeah absolutely I'm ready right now you just poured the direction buddy I'm ready to do this now they're frightening people but you got to utilize them seriously you want to scare the enemy okay and rednecks are like America's pitbulls they should just sedate those people drop them off in Afghanistan just let them run wild just be like dude just go do everything you ever dreamed of doing just go crazy have one of your friends play the banjo it'll scare the hell out of you seriously you wouldn't want to draft a guy like me I'm a comedian I'm useless I'm a coward I don't like confrontations you draft a redneck not only is that dude a psycho he'll actually save you money those guys show up to the Army like here's your M16 they're like I already got one up in the trunk you ain't never seen before buddy I went on the internet got me some of that surface-to-air stuff took it out hunting got me a moose and a duck at the same time I didn't even see the duff duck was over her I'm aiming at the Moose Ducks over her that's my peripheral over her and the shot went up the moose's ass and the shrapnel from his antler hit the duck duck came down best damn dog ever right foreign [Applause] I took the subway here this evening I hate taking the Subway because I have a very like howdy Duty kind of mug me kind of face no people tend to mess with me when I'm on the train you know so I don't look at anybody when I'm on the train I just like stare at the floor you know this is a true story one night I'm sitting there I'm staring at the floor there's like 20 other people in the middle of the train all of a sudden I hit this lady's voice at the back of the train I swear to God she's sitting there she's going she's going ow I swear to God she's like oh [Music] and you know it's like you don't want to look when some stuff like that's happening you know you try to ignore it you're just sitting there going like settle that make it go away don't want to see the rest of that but it just keeps going she's going hey sit out so finally I gotta look I look down I swear to God man this dude has got his girl like right by the back of the neck he's going to shut the hell up shut up she's like shut up so I don't know what the hell to do you know because it's like I really want to help her out but I don't really know how to fight so what am I gonna do I'm gonna walk down the end of the train five seconds later I'm gonna be gone [Music] so I didn't do a damn thing I didn't I just sat there I was like to hell with her she picked him it's not my problem I don't know if she's into that kind of thing but so I was watching a little bit of Oprah the other night I don't really like that show my girlfriend likes it and I want to get laid so you know no no you pick your battles you don't like about that show they always examine relationships on that show you know I realize whenever they do it on those talk shows ninety percent of the time the dude is always wrong it's unbelievable two people ninety percent of time guys always wrong he's always like this woman is always like totally innocent like I was just trying to make them some chocolate chip cookies and he didn't think there was enough chocolate chips in the cookies so he started beating me with the cookie pan it was horrible then the guy's like always the biggest more never like well what they want some cookies now I'm not saying guys aren't jerks I'm a good example of one you know what I'm saying but women can be jerks too they should balance it out like you know a group of women I'd love them to do a show on are those 24 25 year old gorgeous women who will go out and like hook up and marry like a 80 year old rich guy you ever seen them hanging out like Hugh Hefner some seven-year-old guy in his pajamas now if they were just honest about it we're like look this guy's gonna die in like seven or eight minutes and we get a bag of cash and Alexis I wouldn't have a problem with it but they always try and lie and be like no I love them for who he is it has nothing to do with the big yacht there's just something about the way he drools in his bathrobe as he pushes the checkers along it's really enjoyable he's gonna be like lady y'all humping him for his money something I could never do man if some 80 year old billionaire Rich old lady came walking down the street started like hitting on me sitting like hey there sonny you know so I grabbed my ass oh you're pretty firm what are you in the Navy or something this big lady get the hell away from me right you're old you're gross you know I'm sorry I'm sure you are unbelievable back in the 20s when you're doing the Charleston making beer in your bathtub but you were at least four decades Beyond humpable I'm sorry no how do you have sex I don't understand how do you have sex with somebody 40 50 years older than you I'll tell you the only way you can do it you know what you got to do you got to put the will on the headboard No so at any point if you lose your nerve you just can read some of the stuff that you're getting you're just sitting there like oh my God this is disgusting what is becoming me oh a house in Miami okay I can stick this out a little bit longer I guess this isn't as bad as I was thinking a second ago now I got some issues I guess I do I'm not gonna lie to you like a beautiful woman I don't trust beautiful women I just don't you know why because you know what I've noticed in my life as a man beautiful woman only around when you have stuff when your life is going on great they're all over the place but when you're broke you can't find a beautiful woman you're like under a bridge there's like trolls and ferrets running around they're just not around then the second you get some like you get a little money off they come out of a woodwork like oh my God you have some stuff can you buy me some stuff I want some stuff too then the second should go broke oh my God I left something over here next to this guy he has stuff I've always loved you [Applause] no you know what you want to solidified my issues this is what solidified it okay I was at a Yankees game one time right I'm sitting there it was like the end of the inning and Tino Martinez catches a foul ball to end the inning you know they always throw it into the crowd this is like a hundred people going Tina there's a beautiful girl sitting right in the front row of course oh my God I have these eh I could sit in front of hell what this doesn't happen to everybody so there's a hundred people asking for this stupid ball he walks right up to her does it just hands it right to her didn't flip it didn't toss it handed it right to her you know what I'd have to do in my lifetime to ever catch a fall ball first of all would have to be like the one in a million chance that the ball was actually hit way the hell up where I was sitting and like the upper upper upper deck which means the ball is going to be coming in at about 100 120 miles an hour so I got to figure out like which body part I'm gonna sacrifice to slow it down and then I gotta pounce on it curl up in the fetal position as eight guys punched me in the back of the head and I pray to God that I can hang on until security gets there and he just walks right up and just handed them all she probably didn't even know what it was like basket oh baseball oh my God let me take this home and stick it next to my other unbelievable free things that I don't appreciate shelf in my house so anywho I was taking the uh I don't know you want the greatest thing about this job is I don't have a boss that's what I love about this show I never wanted a job where I had a boss that's why he's always working like warehouses because my boss gave me a rough time I could just get on a forklift and just like drive away from them you know and I realized that was too stupid to run a business you know what I mean I just knew I was never going to be that guy in like you know in the big office big long table gone we know we in the fourth quarter we need to increase increase production okay Kathy you're using a little bit too many paper clips and we need to just kind of tone that down not single you out we're just kind of I could never do it so I realized the only thing I could ever do my greatest thing could ever do was work on one of those cubicles and I refuse to do it cubicle should be illegal man you know what a cubicle basically says it basically says like you know what we don't think you're smart enough for an office but we don't want you to look at anybody so you're gonna get in there and you're gonna shut your face and you just get in there and you're like hunched over typing away around lunch time you pop your head up like a gopher like hey Steve you want to get a sandwich I said get in there and shut your face I wish I was just asking for a sandwich or something God I hate that guy I really hate that guy it's time to go on the internet and look for a weapon [Applause] pathetic man you know what I love about the cubicle I always love the pathetic attempt to try to make the cubicle like a home you know what I mean there's always like a stuffed animal in there or like a picture of your mom with like your disappointed eyes looking back out at you like why have you accepted this since your lot in life why don't you have the balls to get up and walk out of this thing I'm telling you those people need to be rescued you ever walk by a cubicle the person in the cubicle always looks back out at you because they're starved for some sort of human contact they'll just start up a conversation like hey hey raining out I haven't seen the sky in like six days they don't let us look out the window so we go there this is a true story man I'm standing all right minding my own business all right this black guy goes again on the train right all of a sudden the door's like closed on them you know when that happens they kind of open and close it it's like they're trying to like dice you up so it's like typical New York there's like 20 people watching but nobody helps out everyone's just standing like wow I think it's going to cut his arm off so the dude's stuck in the doors the conductor comes out starts giving the guy a rough time as he's stuck in the doors he's going come on buddy let's go he's like at home people up let's go so the dude in the door starts flipping out what the hell are you yelling at me for he's like I'm stuck in the doors then he makes it racial he's like I bet you wouldn't say anything to all these crackers sitting over here it was like me and three other white dudes sitting there so he gets into with this guy he keeps coming back to that point like I bet he wouldn't say anything these crackers sitting over here and after like the third or fourth crackers sitting over here man the three white dudes trying to kind of start like looking at each other like dude should we let be getting offended at this point this is getting ridiculous I can literally feel the heat from his fingers he's going crackers sitting over here somebody should do something do you know what nobody did just sat there and took it that's what sucks about being white in that situation there's no Unity there's no brothers when it comes to white people we are not we we are just complete individuals we don't care about each other we're not it's not my brother my brother lives in Ohio I don't know that guy I'm not concerned about over here I'm concerned about from here right here here that was unbelievable I got called a cracker for like 18 stops I'll tell you that's funny though when someone gets raced with you when you're white because you're not allowed to get racial back you know what I mean so it's kind of like awkward the dude's going off the white boy you crack up you're like dude you stupid jerk no you can't get racial back because the second you get racial back when you're white then all of a sudden they like wheel out that Podium and have like that press conference you got to be like that guy standing up there going I yeah I disgraced the company I disgrace myself I just like to state that there was no air conditioning on the subway I wasn't thinking clearly I have nothing against Mexicans and went to Tijuana I had a great time please please don't do this no that's why a lot of white dudes we can get up tight in certain social situations we got to watch out for the podium no that Podium can come out of nowhere you're not even trying to say something like yeah I'm thinking of getting a shirt uh what shirt I think of the black shirt what the hell did you say I said black shirt I should have said African-American shirt I apologize please I need this position I have a mortgage please don't do this so anywho I got a computer recently that's like one of the biggest things of my life I'm really trying to get like more like you know into this whole technology thing I'm awful with computers I'm one of those guys basically every button I hit on my computer my computer has to like shut down like regroup somehow like deal with my idiocy you know what I mean then there's always like some eight-year-old I see later on laptop like breaking into the Pentagon downloading movies that haven't even been made yet and I just got a plane ticket for six bucks you just want to slam his head in the thing I'll tell you the only thing I like about my computer is I really enjoy spell check no I love it you know what I love about spell check you know would be close to getting the word right have you ever noticed that all you got to do is just get it like somewhere like within the ballpark of the word it's almost like your computer can just start guessing like gosh I don't know dinosaur you know when you're sitting there like an idiot like nah I wasn't trying to spell dinosaur so now what does your computer do it starts throwing out like every d word it can possibly think of like okay how about dictionary diary any of this stuff looking familiar are we moving towards the goal or away from it you have a spell a word so bad though your spell check has absolutely no clue what the hell you're trying to spell what do you end up getting you end up getting like a question mark you got a million dollars worth of Technology just looking back at you like just like you got me buddy which is pretty amazing because I have all the words yeah and that doesn't look like any of them I can't even make a guess that's so screwed up would you like pass out whack your head off the keyboard please tell me you're not that stupid all right that's it for me you guys have a lot of fun thank you very much God bless you thank you for coming out [Music] thank you [Music]

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 5,490,292

Keywords: Bill Burr, comedy central presents, Bill Burr stand up, stand-up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedian, comedians, special, funny, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, best comedy, best stand up, best comedians, MTV cribs, Oprah, office, married, comedians on dating, bill burr stand up comedy, bill burr podcast, bill burr, bill burr reaction, bill burr stand up, bill burr theo von, bill burr joe rogan, bill burr no means no, full stand up special, bill burr jokes

Id: oedGGTLCSYo

Length: 20min 40sec (1240 seconds)

Published: Fri May 12 2023