(audience cheering) It is a thrill to be back here. The first time I was here was such a great experience and it's nice to be back. My name is Brad Upton. That is not my real name, that is a show business name. My actual birth name is Doja Cat. (audience laughing) What are the odds? (audience laughing) Well, I guess the pandemic is over. I don't know if it is or not, apparently it is. Do you remember the first time you put on a mask? I went, is this what my breath smells like? (audience laughing) I owe a lot of people an apology. (audience laughing) You ever burp wearing a mask? (audience laughing) First time I did that, I had to take a knee. (audience laughing) Of course, everywhere we go now we have to take hand sanitizer, which is fine. But everybody that walks in anywhere looks like they're planning something evil. (audience laughing) Can you imagine two years ago walking into a bank wearing a mask going? (audience laughing) You'd have been tased immediately. (audience laughing) Remember the first two weeks the shelter in place we all sat at home and did nothing for two weeks, right? Just nothing. It was so boring. I was sitting on my front porch and the recycling truck came down my street for the first time in two weeks. Every single house, it was nothing but bottles. Every single wine, whiskey, and beer bottles in every single house. I went, wow, we are all at home hiding our day drinking. (audience laughing) Turned the whole country into Utah. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) I didn't do anything for a year. I sat at home, I developed a dating app, though, for boomers. It's called Shingles Only. (audience laughing) I feel good. I feel youthful. But all life is for me now is a series of events reminding me I'm getting older. I was at the mall the other day in the food court, several very attractive women walk past me, I realized I was looking at their food. (audience laughing) Was that barbecue? (audience laughing) Speaking of getting older, do you ever see those commercials on TV for the weight loss product? They always show a woman in her bathing suit, the before and the after picture? Do you ever look at that before picture and go, she looks all right to me. (audience laughing) I got no problem with that one at all. (audience laughing) I've been doing this one recently. I wake up in the morning, I throw my feet over the side of the bed, and I'm sitting there I'm thinking, oh, I shouldn't have drank so much last night. I didn't drink anything last night. (audience laughing) I just wake up feeling like this now. (audience laughing) And I don't know when this happened in my house, I realized one day the catalog for Victoria's Secret no longer shows up. It's been replaced by the one from Harry and David's, the gift baskets. (audience laughing) Trouble is, I look at it the same way. (audience laughing) Oh, look at those smoked cheeses. I love smoked cheese. (audience laughing) Oh, this one has shortbread cookies. (audience laughing) Do you know what I would do to a whole sleeve of shortbread cookies? (audience laughing) I was working with some young comedians recently. They were making fun of me for being old. And they're like, "oh, you probably "listen to music on a Walkman." (audience laughing) I go well, the joke's on you. I have an iPod. (audience laughing) And about the last 10 out of 12 hotels I've checked into, I've gotten the handicapped room. Which I don't care, but I'm like, this is too often to be chance at this point. What are these clerks thinking when they're looking at me? Like, oh, I'm not sure that guy can get in and out of the tub by himself. (audience laughing) He might need some railings. (audience laughing) The part that makes me feel old is when I'm in the shower going, oh, these railings are kind of nice. (audience laughing) You ever walk into a dark public restroom? How long do you do this before you realize there's no motion detector in there? (audience laughing) Am I the only one? (audience laughing) OK, there must be one something on the wall here somewhere. (audience laughing) You know what I like to do? I'd like to walk into one of those restrooms that has the motion detector, just stand on the wall quietly. (audience laughing) Wait for somebody to walk in and go, "hi!" (audience laughing) Maybe wear clown makeup. (audience laughing) I'm from Seattle. I was on the University of Washington campus several years ago. My daughter was a freshman there and I dropped some stuff off at her dorm. And I came out, it was late October. It was trying to snow, that's all it was. A handful of flakes were coming out of the sky. And these college kids, I don't know where they're from, they weren't local, but they came running out, they threw themselves to the ground, they started making snow angels. All the rest of the kids come out, hey, look, first it's got to stick. (audience laughing) Get up out of the mud, you idiot. (audience laughing) Maybe you should have went to Washington State. (audience laughing) We don't happen to have any Washington State alums in here, do we? Because I can slow these down if I need to. (audience laughing) How many of you have to put up with some snoring? You got a snoring spouse? Where are the hands? Let's see. Come on. Yeah, there we go. Have you heard this? This is an actual theory. This is a real theory. There are some scientists that believe that snoring is a leftover behavior from our caveman days. One of those things we don't need anymore, but at one time it was advantageous. And you guys are looking at me like I'm nuts. But you can imagine if there were predators creeping around the cave and they're going to go down there and grab somebody but all they can hear is (snoring sounds) (audience laughing) Sounds too much like growling. (audience laughing) And ladies, I want to ask you this. Has it not worked? (audience laughing) Guys, next time your wife gives you one of those in the middle of the night, go, I don't see a pack of wolves in here. (audience laughing) This is a thing now. I don't know why it's become such a big selling point in every recipe, everything contains sea salt. All salt is sea salt. (audience laughing) It's always been sea salt. Do we need two words to describe salt? It's like, uh-oh, looks like cloud rain. (audience laughing) We are going to get water wet. (audience laughing) Have you seen the Tibetan sea salt? It says on the package, "Over 250 million years old." You know what else it says on the package? "Best if used by October." (audience laughing) I was at the gym the other day. I'm waiting to get on the treadmill. About half of them are broken or the rest are busy. I'm just standing there waiting my turn. And the guy that works there, he's all peppy. He comes over, he goes, "hey, we've "got a Stairmaster, "we've got elliptical. "Those are available. "They give you the same kind "of workout." I said, if you went to the brothel and the madam said all the girls are busy but there's a couple of guys upstairs. (audience laughing) Same kind of workout. (audience laughing) I go, what would you say? Say, I say, we need to fix those treadmills. (audience laughing) That's exactly what I'm trying to say. In mid-December I was in downtown Seattle and I came across one of those live nativity scenes. And I've never seen one before. Go and check it out, a live nativity scene. Look there, that's a-- that's a-- that's a homeless encampment, all right. (audience laughing) Where did they get a camel? (audience laughing) I got a cheap hotel recently. I knew it was cheap. I wanted free parking, continental breakfast. That's all I needed. I went down to the lobby in the morning, there was bucket of water, two raw potatoes. (audience laughing) I said to the guy that works there, I go, your website says there's a continental breakfast. He said, "doesn't say which "continent." (audience laughing) That is an excellent loophole, my friend. (audience laughing) And it doesn't matter where I travel in the country. It doesn't matter where you go on the country, highway construction everywhere. It just never ends. And this is what I know about highway construction. Could they bring the temporary cement walls in any closer to the edge of the highway? (audience laughing) Like driving isn't hard enough. It's pouring down rain, it's pitch black, you're trying to follow that white line, the white line goes under the cement wall. (audience laughing) You ever see those skid marks go up the side of those walls? (audience laughing) What happened there? I'm a habitual speeder. Anybody else? Habitual speeders? Where are my people? (audience laughing) That's part of the problem right there, there's not enough of us. (audience laughing) There is nothing wrong with traffic we couldn't fix with some speed, folks. Let's go. (audience cheering) You know what would make more water go through a hose? Turn it up faster. (audience laughing) There's trouble merging in this country too. Let me tell you how merging works. Listen up, listen carefully. I want you to take this with you tonight, OK? Here's how you merge. Ready for this? Speed up. You see how that works? (audience laughing) Go faster. Term is merge, not wedge. (audience laughing) Here's the All-American merger right here. 10, 20, 30, 40, 30, 20 10. (audience laughing) If all the traffic's going 70, you don't come down the ramp at 50 and make a hole, you come down at 80 and find one. Yeah. (audience cheering) Be a team player. (audience laughing) Everybody cheers that, no one ever does it. Let me tell you how you get off the highway. Exit, then brake. (audience laughing) It's not brake, exit. It's exit, brake. That works best for all of us. How many of you here suck at driving? How many of you suck at driving? I need-- I need to see more hands. (audience laughing) Way more hands. I need to see way more hands. A couple of you are honest. A couple of you-- the rest of you, you don't understand. Here's a traffic scenario I'd like to ask you about. Oncoming traffic and you need to make a left to the oncoming traffic. How much room do some of you need? (audience laughing) You only have to miss the bumper of the car that just went past. (audience laughing) Some of you apparently need to see the horizon. (audience laughing) I've made a left out of the second position many times in my life before. I'm like, OK, he could have gone there. (audience laughing) He could have gone there. (audience laughing) Could have gone there. (audience laughing) He's not going here, I am. Boom, right there. (audience laughing) Yeah. You got places to go. And who put in all these traffic circles and didn't tell anybody how they work? (audience laughing) That circle doesn't have to be empty for you to enter it. There just has to be enough room for you to fit. Pick out a hole and hit that thing like an NFL running back. If you've ever driven up to a traffic circle and stopped, I want you to go home tonight, lay down your keys, and never ever pick them up ever, ever again. (audience cheering) I told you, I'm always speeding. I'm 15 over when I'm early. I don't know what it is. I just think if gamblers can attribute their problem to a disease, I should be able to plea the same thing, don't you? Please, Your Honor, don't fine me. I'm just going to speed again. I need treatment. (audience laughing) You ever been on a two-lane highway, seen an RV, 10 or 12 cars stacked up behind it? Nobody can pass. One guy, some psycho guy, goes nuts from the back of the pack, passes the whole row, you ever seen that? I'm that guy. (audience laughing) Nobody else has any guts, I'll do it. (audience laughing) See you suckers later. (audience cheering) I think passing is a lost art form. I could pass on a two lane bridge with a school bus coming at me. No problem. (audience laughing) It's a question of three things-- heart, commitment, horsepower. That's the other one. (audience laughing) You don't want to pass in that Smart Car, you know. (audience laughing) I don't feel very smart right now. (audience laughing) I went into a parking garage in Seattle recently. I pay my money, I go up the ramp. There's a big sign on the wall says, speed limit, five miles an hour. Then in big red letters it says, strictly enforced. Five. How'd you like to drive around the corner, see a cop standing with a radar gun? "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, "hey, hey." (audience laughing) Chase you with his flashlight. Woo! (audience laughing) Do you know why I pulled you over? "No." Caught you doing seven. (audience laughing) How would you like to go to court on that? "Mr. Upton you've been charged "for doing 7 in a 5? "How do you plead?" Embarrassed. (audience laughing) In the state of Washington, where I'm from, we have some of the most restrictive anti-smoking laws in the country due to secondhand smoke. They're good laws. You know what I'm tired of, though, We need a law about? Everywhere I fly now, I have to sit like this. You know what I'm getting tired of? Secondhand fat. (audience laughing) Son of-- every time I get on a jet, there's a 600-pounder coming down the aisle. I'm like, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. They always say the same thing. "Can I sneak past you?" (audience laughing) Your sneaking days are over, my friend. (audience laughing) Could you sneak past the Golden Corral one time, all right? (audience laughing) You guys can relax on that joke. I look around the room before I do it. (audience laughing) Sometimes I have to change it to 800. (audience laughing) Felt pretty safe at 600 tonight. (audience laughing) If you saw my last special, I make fun of millennials. I don't know if you remember that or not. (audience cheering) It was quite popular. Do we have anybody tonight under the age of 30? Any 20-somethings? That's still the dumbest group of humans I've ever met in my life. (audience laughing) You're not dumb academically, I'll get to that. But you are soft emotionally, I can tell you that. (audience laughing) The reason I say that, when I was growing up, our parents let us play in the street, climb trees, and blow stuff up. And you know what happened if you got hurt or maimed? You got a new name. (audience laughing) I had two friends I grew up with Aimer and Niner. When Amir was six, he was in the garage with his big brothers blowing stuff up. He lost his right eye. It was closed the rest of his life. He looked like he was aiming a gun. That's how he got the name Aimer. (audience laughing) He was the aimer. Everybody called him Aimer. (audience laughing) I did not know his name was not Aimer. (audience laughing) So the first day of third grade, the teacher said, "Ross Thomas." We all went, Ross Thomas, who? Aimer, is your name Ross? (audience laughing) We started laughing. That sounded funnier to us than Aimer did. (audience laughing) And Aimer says to the teacher, no, my name's Aimer. My mom is the only one that calls me Ross. And she goes, "well, Aimer, how did "you get that name?" He goes. (audience laughing) Can you imagine now a kid even pretend to point a gun at a teacher. (audience laughing) There'd be a lockdown. There'd be a helicopter above the school. My friend and I are in the fourth grade. There were four of us who were all out in the woods together. We're all climbing trees. We're all up about 15 feet and he fell. And on the way down, he was trying to grab branches. And by the time he hit the ground, he'd lost most of his ring finger. (audience laughing) Every time I tell this story, I still picture it. It's 55 years ago and still makes me laugh. Because he got up and he's dusting himself off. He's going, "I'm bleeding somewhere. "I'm bleeding. "I'm cut. "I'm cut. "I don't know what--" (audience laughing) And my other friend says, look at your hand. He screamed and he ran home. (audience laughing) We all climbed down and followed him but none of us thought to look for his finger. (audience laughing) About four days later, he's back in class. His hand's all heavily bandaged up. We're learning about decimal points for the first time in our life. He raises his hand and he says, "I have 9.2 fingers." (audience laughing) Called him Niner for the rest of his life. (audience laughing) When I was a kid, everybody had a nickname. Every single kid-- nobody went by their real name. And it was given to you by your friends, usually about a body part that was not flattering. (audience laughing) I have friends who are Ponch, Taterhead, Lips, Chin. Lips had big old Pete Davidson lips. Chin didn't have one. (audience laughing) We originally called him Viola because we knew he'd never play one. (audience laughing) I had a-- I had another friend in high school. He had a short right arm. It was just-- it was fully functional, but it was just-- it was a short kind of short arm on this side, right? So he had a big hand and little hand, we called him Clock. (audience laughing) Everybody called him Clock. The teachers called him Clock. (audience laughing) He was Clock. Clock was awesome, too. He was in my second period algebra class and we were supposed to be in our seats every day at 9 o'clock when the bell rang. But Clock would always wait out in the hall until that bell rang and he'd burst through the door every morning like this. (audience laughing) It was never not funny. (audience laughing) Every single day we waited for that moment and laughed for 10 minutes. (audience laughing) One day, we're sitting in class, the bell rings, and he doesn't come through the door. We're like, oh, well, that's weird. Where's Clock? Must be absent. Well, he was tardy. 10 minutes later, he burst through that door. (audience laughing) We laughed until 9:30. (audience laughing) And Clock was the best student in class. And he was by far the best student in class. And every Friday, we had to race him on problems. The teacher would put problems up on the board. We had to compete against him. We called it beat the Clock. (audience laughing) Nobody could beat him. He had that left hand going like this and the eraser in his shorthand. (audience laughing) One time in PE class, this is after class, we're in the locker room changing, right? And we had two new kids in class and they were bullies, and they were bullying Clock. And so Clock's in there and he goes, "I'm going to knock you out "with this hand." And then he goes, boo. And knocks-- just spins this kid knocks him out. Just boom, hits the ground. And then he turns to the other one and goes, "or this one." (audience laughing) And we hit that kid. We all hooted and hollered and the teacher came running out of his office. "What's going on? "What's going on?" We said, well, these guys were bullying Clock and he knocked one of them out. And by then, this kid's kind of getting up and the teacher just walks over and goes, you just got knocked out by a kid with a half arm. (audience laughing) Hope you learned to keep your mouth shut. (audience laughing) And that was the end of it. Nobody got sent to the office, nobody got suspended, nobody's parents got called. Nowadays, Clock would have been the one that got suspended for throwing that first punch. And then you'd had to bring your parents and get an anger-- anger management plan. Well, I got angry and I punched that kid, that's the plan. (audience laughing) Can you imagine now calling kids by their afflictions? Hey, here's my buddies, Blinky and Snort. (audience laughing) Here's my other friend, Orphan. His parents were anti-vaxxers. (audience laughing) Not accurate? (audience laughing) I said the 20-somethings are dumb. They're not dumb. It's just certain ways of the world. The reason I say that, you watch, in the not too distant future, hackers are going to knock out our cellphones and the internet. These 20-somethings will come to a stop, stare at their phone, and have no idea what to do next. Because they've always had an internet connection. If we lose the internet, us old folks, we got a plan B. You 20-somethings are going to have to find a bunch of old people and ask us how to do stuff. (audience laughing) "Hey, mister, can you help me get "home? "I don't know how to do directions." (audience laughing) Well, I can draw you a map but you're gonna have to listen and store the information in your head. (audience laughing) And I'm not here to tell you life was better before cellphones. It wasn't. I love my phone. I'm addicted to that thing. You ever lose your phone? Oh, that's a panic attack. I lost my kid at the mall one time and didn't panic like that. (audience laughing) Because I have two kids. (audience laughing) Never has technology moved so quickly as the past 20-plus years. My son was at my house a couple of years ago. He called my mom, his grandma. He turns to me, he goes, "I think "grandma's phone broken." I go, why? He goes, "listen to this." It's a busy signal. (audience laughing) He'd never heard one. (audience laughing) He goes, "now what do I do?" Hang up. (audience laughing) He goes, "how do I leave a message?" You don't. (audience laughing) He goes, "now what do I do?" I go, wait a few minutes. Call her back. He goes, "that's stupid." (audience laughing) And I don't know what it was like in your house growing up. My house growing up, my dad never answered the phone. He wasn't getting out of his big old chair. That phone rang, he just looked at us kids. It was our job to answer the phone, right? I was telling my son that story one day, he goes, "why didn't you "tell your dad to get the phone?" (audience laughing) My World War II marine dad? (audience laughing) I tried it once. (audience laughing) Had no idea he could get out of the chair that quickly. (audience laughing) When I woke up, that phone was inside me. (audience laughing) "Hey, Dad, why don't you get-- (audience laughing) Here's something that kills me about technology and old people. By old people, I'm talking about people my age. Watch us when people are taking pictures. They've got the camera. We all stop. We don't walk in front of it because we think we're going to ruin the film. (audience laughing) Hey, Boomer, no more film. Keep moving. These guys delete more pictures in an hour than we used to take in a year. You remember roll of 24? That thing would last year all year. You get that back, you go, look, there's Uncle Billy. He's been dead at least a year. Oh, my. I got-- I got some new Uncle Billy photos. (audience laughing) And photos weren't unlimited, you had to keep track. Remember that little counter on the bottom of the camera told you how many were left? That's why all the sasquatch photos are crappy. (audience laughing) Everybody was down to their last shot. Like, oh, there is. Click. Ah. (audience laughing) Behind a tree. Before COVID, I worked in Singapore and Hong Kong. I worked these English speaking comedy clubs and I flew from Hong Kong to Singapore on Tigair. It's this cut rate Asian airline, they cramming you in close together. And I don't feel like a big man. But in Asia, I'm gigantic. (audience laughing) I did not realize it till I was standing at the gate looking around going, oh my, I'm the biggest guy here by a lot. So I'm 6'1", 190. 195. (audience laughing) 200. (audience laughing) Probably 202 this morning. Anyway, I was the biggest guy by a lot on the jet and I had a window seat. There was a guy in the aisle and I said, can I sneak past you? (audience laughing) (audience cheering) He said, "your sneaking days "are over, my friend." (audience laughing) I watched the Winter Olympics, the Summer Olympics this past year. I've been asking a lot of audiences. A lot of people didn't watch. I'm surprised. Because I love the Olympics. I'm fascinated by the greatest athletes in the world. But some of the sports, I'm thinking, do they belong in the Olympics? Like archery and rifle. I mean, those are cool skills, but you could be a fat, chain smoking, alcoholic and be a great shot. (audience laughing) There should have to be some cardio involved, I think. That's not real athletic. And those people's greatest skill is the ability to stand perfectly still. (audience laughing) How athletic is that? (audience laughing) I'm one of the greatest athletes in the world. (audience laughing) Ever since I was six, everybody's been calling me the Aimer. (audience laughing) I like track and field, but it's not that popular with the general public. I'm thinking, you wanna spice that up? Let's let them run with scissors. (audience laughing) We've always heard that's dangerous. (audience laughing) Is it? (audience laughing) Let's find out. (audience laughing) Told you I'm from Seattle. Two of the richest men in the world live there-- Bezos and Gates. Bezos has about $200 billion. Gates has about $160 billion. You know what $200 billion is? That's a million times $200,000. $200,000 times 1 million. I think any of us would be very excited to see $200,000 sitting right in front of you, right? And if you had $200,000 sitting in front of you and somebody asks for $1, you'd go, well, sure, you can have a dollar, you can have a $1. I'll give everybody in the room $1. I basically still have $200,000, right? That's what a $1 million is to those guys. It doesn't mean anything. You think they come home after a hard day and go, "oh boy, I feel "like a million bucks." (audience laughing) But you know what they can never have that we could have? There is a thrill they can never have that we can have. You ever put on an old article of clothing you haven't worn in a while find a $20 bill in the pocket? (audience laughing) Like, oh, there's a $20 in here. Are you kidding me? (audience laughing) $20! Woo! Woo! Woo! (audience laughing) There's also no tip that they can leave that won't anger the wait staff. (audience laughing) If I left a $50 bill on a $20 drink tab, that bartender would know my name next time I walked in there. Bezos, Gates, they leave $1,000 on a $20 bar tab, bartender goes, "what a jerk. (audience laughing) "Could have left me a million "dollars." (audience laughing) I said, Bezos has $40 billion more than Gates. They both live in Seattle. They must have gone to dinner at some point. You think when that check at the table, do you think Bill just short armed it just a little bit? (audience laughing) "You gonna get that, Jeff? "All right, thanks, man. "I don't have rocketship money." (audience laughing) Last March, my wife and I celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary. Thank you very much, yeah. (audience cheering) We have two kids. We stopped at two kids. I had a vasectomy. This is called an elective surgery. Like there was an election. (audience laughing) My wife had a vote, I had a vote, I lost the election. (audience laughing) Always do a vasectomy on a Friday so you go home and sit all weekend in the La-Z-Boy with the remote in your hand, a bag of ice in your lap. But surely, when you get right down to it, it's like any other weekend. (audience laughing) Having children has been a blessing. And I always tell people this. If you're ever thinking about having kids and you're really not sure, you know what you want to do? Make a trip to Disneyland. (audience laughing) You'll give yourself a vasectomy. (audience laughing) You know what? You'll do it right there in the Magic Kingdom too. (audience laughing) You'll knock over Mickey, getting to the food court so you can grab a plastic knife. Like, oh, please make it stop. (audience laughing) I don't know if you saw my last show too. I did a bit about all the pillows on the bed and how it drives guys. Remember that one too? It was very popular. (audience cheering) I was in Bed, Bath, & Beyond recently. Down the aisle from me, I heard a couple having this exact argument and the guy was really being mean to his wife. He took it way too far and he was just yelling at her. He's going, "I don't know why we're "spending all this money "on these unnecessary decorations. "You know we don't have money "for these unnecessary decorations. "The backsplash, the valance, "the window treatments, this "is a waste of money." I'm like, all right, that's enough. Anyway, a few minutes later, I'm out in the parking lot, I'm getting ready to leave, they come walking out together. They go over to his giant pickup truck that's jacked this high off the ground with huge knobby tires and a chrome roll bar and a chrome running board and every piece of custom equipment you can put on a truck. And I roll down the window go, hey, man, I like your truck. He goes, "thanks, bro." I go, it looks like you got that thing covered in unnecessary decorations. (audience laughing) And I made eye contact with her and I know she would have married me. (audience laughing) I have never seen such love in a woman's eyes. (audience laughing) I have a question about the big truck guys, and I don't know if we got any big truck guys in here tonight. But the two most macho things in our society, the AR-15 and the big giant truck, those are the things you can customize the most, am I right? Yeah. And let's not kid each other, that is decorating. These are men that like to accessorize and decorate in ways that will appeal to and attract other men. (audience laughing) There is no other way to spin that, folks. (audience laughing) The more they customize, the more their secret is out. (audience laughing) Take down that rebel flag, run up the rainbow, be who you are. (audience laughing) Right after the show, I'm going to be out in the parking lot getting beat up by a couple of big trucks, so. (audience laughing) You want to come out and watch that, come on out. (audience laughing) I came over to the liquor store a few weeks ago, I had a bottle of scotch in my hand and my wife said, "how much "did that cost?" I said, $52. She said, "$52 for a bottle "of scotch? "Why is this so expensive? "You can get cheaper than that." You know what I did? Walk right into the bathroom. I got into her makeup drawer. I grabbed a bottle this big. (audience laughing) Some of you ladies know where I'm going on this one, don't you? Estee Lauder Advanced Night Repair Eye Recovery Complex. Want to guess what that two ounce bottle might cost? $75. That cost more than insulin. (audience laughing) I'll tell you what, if my house is ever on fire and I have a chance to save something, I'm grabbing that makeup drawer. (audience laughing) There is easily $15,000 worth of stuff in that drawer. (audience laughing) I said to her, well, what do you use this for? She said, "you put it on your eyes "at night and in the morning, "they're not so puffy." I went, that sounds like it goes great with scotch. (audience laughing) I might have to give this a shot. (audience laughing) I said, really? What do you use all this makeup for? She said, "it makes me look "young and beautiful." I said, so does a scotch. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) I just toasted the audience in a place called Dry Bar. (audience laughing) Realized that as soon as I did it. (audience laughing) I did this last fall right before Thanksgiving. Never do this. Never, never, never do this. I was in Costco. I'm driving through the parking lot, 4 miles an hour. I'm just looking for a parking spot and creeping along and composing a voice text to my wife. I said, hey, I'm at Costco, do we need anything? And at that moment, this lady turns right in front of me, almost clips my car. I go, you stupid-- (audience laughing) You see where this is going? (audience laughing) Send. (audience laughing) My message said, hey, I'm at Costco, do we need anything, you stupid-- (audience laughing) My phone rang immediately. (audience laughing) I said, well, that's weird. She never responds to my text. (audience laughing) She goes, "you're at Costco?" I go, yeah. She goes, "buy a pumpkin. "Shove it up your--" wait, what? What? What? Oh, no. (audience laughing) Before COVID, I was also working on cruise ships once in a while. I don't know if you've ever been on a cruise. If you have or haven't, everyone start-- every cruise begins with the lifeboat drill. And you know what my favorite part of any lifeboat drill is? When they show you that little whistle. Nothing says instant rescue quite like (whistles) (audience laughing) That'll bring the Coast Guard right in, won't it? You're bobbing around in the ocean, they're are 2,000 feet up in a noisy helicopter. Shh, shh, shh. (whistles) "Oh, there they are. "Right there." (audience laughing) You know, killer whales also communicate with a whistling sound. (audience laughing) You know what that whistling noise means in the orca language? Smorgasbord right this way. (audience laughing) I don't if you have ever been on a cruise. If you have or haven't, but every single morning, they give you a list of every single activity that's taking place on the ship. First time I worked a cruise ship, 1999, I had no idea what LGBT gathering was. But I thought, man, they meet in the bar every night. Bet I belong to that group. (audience laughing) LGBT's got to stand for Let's Get Blasted Together. (audience laughing) I bet I belong to this group. Then they put a Q in there, I go, that's probably for Quickly. (audience laughing) Pretty sure I belong to this group. So I started going and I do not belong to that group. (audience laughing) When they found out I was there, they made me an honorary member. (audience laughing) They said, sit down. You're an idiot. (audience laughing) We're having trouble in Seattle with geese, Canada geese. Big, fat, mean, pooping machine is what they are. They're everywhere. They're mean as can be. They don't migrate anymore. And you know what, we have a hungry homeless people. We have extra geese. Anybody else see a possible solution? (audience laughing) You and a loaf of Wonder Bread and a wiffle ball bat, I can clean up a park real quick. (audience laughing) It's a good visual, isn't it? (audience laughing) But one of the solutions in Seattle was they tried to round them up these geese, put them in trucks, take them to Idaho. (audience laughing) There's my tax dollars at work. Trucking birds to Idaho. Because you know those birds got back before those trucks did. (audience laughing) But I read in the paper, it said, these geese defecate 5 to 18 times per hour. I know. It's an amazing statistic. But you know what's more amazing? You stop to realize in order to get that information, (audience laughing) it's some guy with a college degree, a clipboard, and a stopwatch. (audience laughing) "Hate this job. (audience laughing) "Spent four years at Washington State "for this." (audience laughing) I'm just kidding. Nobody ever graduated in four years. (audience laughing) Right after the show, after the big truck guys get done with me, you might want to come out and watch the WSU alums. (audience laughing) Do you ever say something to somebody you know exactly what you meant? It just comes out wrong. Or somebody says something, you know what they meant. It just comes out wrong. A few weeks ago, Saturday morning, I go to the mall. Friday night, I've done two shows, great shows, clubs packed, everybody's laughing. Saturday morning, I go to the mall, this guy spots me clear across the mall. He goes, "hey, dude, you were great "last night. "My cheeks are still sore." (audience laughing) That shopping trip is over. And so is my special. You guys are wonderful. Thank you so much. (audience cheering)
