Weird Things Happen in Rehab. Andy Gold - Full Special

so there's no way you're gonna be able to stop doing it talk about talk about recovery a lot in my a big thing I talk about guy came up to me once after a show he said to me well how long were you addicted to heroin for and I said almost six years and the guy went oh well holy mackerel why don't you just stop and I looked at the guy like oh why didn't I think of that I had to go through so much went to gel I never did any like serious time just some weekends here and there I was kind of like in the jail reserves I went to rehab in the fall of 2009 and it was an amazing spot it helped to get me well but there were some characters in rehab there was a woman in there who since become one of my best friends and she was an alcoholic and she had Tourette's syndrome I'll give you guys a minute to digest that one now I thought Tourette's was like the involuntary shouting of obscenities but that's just one form of it it's also like grunts and tics and twitches and that's what she had and nobody told me so I'm sitting in there it's my very first day going through severe withdrawals I'm very agitated I'm not happy and she's to my left and everybody's like opening up and sharing and she suddenly just goes like [Laughter] and everybody just carried on like nothing happens [Laughter] something an okay maybe she just sneezed [Laughter] but then she did it like five more times and ten minutes and again I didn't know so I finally said to her do you want to stop doing that place some noxious and if you want attention there's better ways to get it she said I'm sorry I have a condition I have Tourette's it's like oh I didn't know that you can't help it so there's no way you're gonna be able to stop doing it you guys are a fun a crowd man one drawback to being honest about my recovery and open about it is it opens the door for everybody to vent to me about their hardships and I'm not the guy to talk to about that stuff at all my neighbor was talking to me and he saw my act and he's like so Andy you used to you used to have problems with substance abuse didn't you it's like yeah that's okay we all have problems Andy you want to know something about me I hate my wife and my job and my kids I just feel trapped I don't know what to do it was like all right you ever thought about trying heroin [Laughter] I don't know what sort of profound insight you were expecting to get from your junkie comedian neighbor but that's the best I got I mean your life won't be any better but after about six months your wife and your kids won't be a part of it I'm sorry I was wrong to say that drug addiction strengthens family relationships I said don't say that don't say that drug addiction puts a strain in fellas ah now I'm very excited to be here everybody good job coming to the comedy show this is fun it's different live comedy man yeah it's better than a movie I think yeah when I want to what to a movie the other day with a buddy of mine who's like junior high homophobic didn't want us looking like a gay couple so he left a few seats in between us and don't think he realized that way we just look like a gay couple that got into an argument [Laughter] [Music] maybe maybe I'm biased but I do think live comedy is the best kind of live entertainment certainly better than magic I don't personally like magicians I'm not gonna apologize for it I've met a few I work with them sometimes on the road arrogant people arrogant how damaged ition say to me let me tell you something okay comedy jokes that's fine but the first rule about magic is always be the smartest guy in the room well that shouldn't be too hard seeing as how you're gonna be in a room full of people who believe in magic [Laughter] [Music] almost didn't make it here had to stop at the the gas station and use the bathroom I had a situation I'm not gonna tell you guys a diarrhea joke you can relax okay but the lock was broken on the stall so it's that whole situation where you can't tell if it's occupied so you gotta like look through the little gap to make sure and you make eye contact with someone on the toilet a little uncomfortable so you just have to you know wink at drove up here from Los Angeles made a pit stop in Las Vegas city thank you why not yeah stayed at the MGM Grand I'm not trying to brag got a thirty dollar bag of M&Ms the bag was five dollars it was in the room ate it and then I got a bill for a $25 restocking fee that's psycho that doesn't happen anywhere else you never order a cheeseburger and the waiter says okay well we gave you that burger but now we don't have a burger on the grill so you gotta pay for that burger and we're gonna charge you 25 bucks to go ahead and put another burger on the grill know that town does not deserve a whoo [Laughter] my friend lost her kid when we were in Vegas on the strip all of the pandemonium little toddler wandered off and got lost and she was freaking out venting to me about losing her kid I'm like listen okay now just how you fill the other day I lost my phone and I was paralyzed [Laughter] she's like Andy that's not the same thing I lost my kid I had to call the police and I was like yeah I couldn't call the police I lost my phone and the contract isn't up for another year you can have another kid in nine months thank you now I am happy to be here at the dry bar man this is a cool crowd I usually perform in clubs and stuff like that where everybody's drinking so it's nice to have an audience that's like attentive and not overtly hostile that's nice man I got a buddy he drinks too much she's an alcoholic I'm pretty sure because he always tries to justify his drinking it's not a good sign even when I don't call him out one thing he loves to say is you know Andy eating too much is way worse than drinking too much and I'm like no yeah dude totally like I remember growing up my dad was a really nice guy until he had too many sandwiches [Music] [Laughter] and then after a few patty melts and a large diet squirt he just became a totally different person and me and my brothers would have to hide underneath our bunk beds because Dad want another patty melt rampage that rye bread it's the devil I don't drink myself do not drink IVA I have a good reason I'm a recovering heroin addict I'm not just some nerd this is true I'm in recovery it's true just got seven years clean man it doesn't feel that great life's fine people are taken aback when they hear it which is understandable I don't really look the part this whole thing ain't really screaming heroin addicts I look more like a bully from a 1990s Disney movie but it's true I go to meetings and stuff I went to a meeting the other day a 12-step meeting and I have severe ADHD I don't pay attention well and they were in the meeting and they were talking about dreams and I wasn't paying any attention and then they wanted to meet a talk and I'm like well most recently a dream of mine as I'm in the mountains with my dead uncle Steve who passed away like seven years ago and were digging a tunnel and then a girl went and she talked about getting her GED [Laughter] and a guy when he talked about becoming a construction foreman like oh no they're talking about dreams as in goals so now everybody in that meeting thinks I relapsed and got high the other day because I told him it was my big ambition in life to go into the mountains with detta uncle Steve to dig a tunnel no speaking of families they're like that's been the best thing about getting clean is having a relationship with my family again I don't love all of them but I'm trying hang out with my grandma whenever I'm in town my grandma 93 years old uh-huh took her to the grocery store and she needs one of those like sit and scoot things to get around and I'm not being me and that's what they call um they give old people products the most condescending names sittin scoots rascals hover rounds cell phones with big buttons called a Jitterbugs like it's at the grocery store and some a young lazy guy took at the very last one like and he was a little overweight but he didn't need that and my grandma just started crying and moaning so loud that I was having a tough time enjoying my motorized cart [Laughter] Thank You 93 years old man I try to be patient with very old people but sometimes and I'm not trying to be insensitive I'm not a big fan of the olds a lot of them haven't moved on like I was filling under the weather okay and my grandpa's like I'll tell you what to do Andy what you got to do is boil up onion in some milk that's been blackened with pepper and then mix it in with some rosemary that you picked from underneath the crabapple tree and then put it in a rag and slap it against your chest when it's still sizzling that'll clear you right up so now I'll just take some amoxicillin I have strep throat I'm not gonna use these Little House on the Prairie remedies I'm not trying to cure scrump pox or yellowjacket fever or whatever other horrifying Oregon Trail disease you think I had but I will say this about my grandparents they were married for sixty years yeah that got a very lukewarm smattering you don't have to clap for it anymore I made it very sad in here married for 60 years though I mean that's something you don't hear about that too much anymore it seems what is it is it true that half of all marriages end in divorce now that's terrible horrifying like huge deterrent bring me not to get married like if I ever get married there's a 50% chance that I'm gonna get stuck with the same woman for the rest of my life I do want to find the one eventually 32 years old I'm dating now doing the online dating thing I'm not on tinder like every other basic try hard I'm on match.com I'm looking for the one the problem is I got a warped sense of humor sometimes girls don't get my jokes like my match.com bio says that's my kid in the photos but don't worry he's not a big part of my life he's my nephew I don't actually have a kid my secret to dating I do get a lot of dates low standards not too picky let's see you know oversized Tweety Bird shirt gas station scrunchie gravy stain sweatpants okay swipe right honey let's chat see if we can make something happen here it took like a three-year break from dating when I got clean like a three-year break from dating that's one of the things trying to like figure out how to be a real person again getting a relationship with the family dating trying to like understand what's happening with current events I'm not a very political person so don't worry I'm not gonna get political any political people in here that guy over there went like this I live in Los Angeles right now which is very very liberal okay people are scared to death of the President my roommate says you know what Andy he hates women hates Muslims hates Mexicans like he won't stop until America is just him and Gary Busey which is very funny image I think and not to get too political I kind of liked Bernie but I'm not really a liberal person but I thought he was very authentic not liberal or conservative I try to try to be above the fray and I think Bernie at least when I'm doing comedy I have my opinions believe me but I think Bernie would have gotten the nomination had the media given him sufficient coverage or if the government would let Millennials vote through snapchat the reason I try not to get too political in my act is because it makes people obnoxious it divides people okay and I think if you get too obsessed you become an annoying person like I saw a car with a bumper sticker that said my dog is a Republican and then there's another one out there that says my dog is a Democrat and I just think these people are very lucky to have dogs that have conformed to the two-party system like I'm stuck over here with gizmo the anarchist Labradoodle who won't stop barking at police I can't find any my dog is a nihilist bumper stickers anywhere I will share one political opinion I have tonight it's the only one I don't trust the opinions of men with ponytails nope they're either right-wing extremists or left-wing extremists no man with a ponytail is ever politically moderate they're either far-right Confederate flag waving white nationalist with a fertilizer bomb in their garden shed who listened to way too much Ted Nugent or their bedwetting utopian socialist with a nightstand full of herbal supplements I don't try to judge a book by its cover but I do with men with ponytails saw a guy with a braided ponytail and khaki shorts I don't know anything about else about him but I'll betcha he's really good at catching snakes [Laughter] but one time I saw a guy with a ponytail wearing a tie-dye shirt and a NASCAR hat I didn't know what to make of him he was like a redneck hippie looked like the kind of guy who beats his family with a dreamcatcher you guys are fun man love doing comedy men's love being a comic but I'll be honest with you sir my dream job would be to own a red box [Laughter] I want to rent movies out to people and then like change the sound of some of the movies just a little bit some of the classics like Titanic I wouldn't change much that's a great movie except at the end when the ship is sinking and it's going down as soon as the ship sinks beneath the waves I would just have the music ago [Laughter] just so everybody watching Titanic for the first time would be like wow James Cameron's a monster one job I had that I loved was working for my dad at my family produce tent yeah we sold like farm fresh fruits and veggies so we got a lot of like hippie food snobs in because it was like as organic as organic it's right from the farm and one thing we sold was salsa and I was encouraged to try to like sell the salsa and pump it and had a customer come in once and tell her about the salsa and she said to me hippy food snob lady as a general rule I don't like salsa [Laughter] [Music] well that's a bold position lady she didn't dislike it as a condiment but as a general rule that applies to every facet of her life I'm an organized type-a personality no mismatched conglomerate of vegetables of jars me in my way who's a busybody on the go this lady what's not gonna stop me salsa but now I'm a comedian one thing I'm trying to do well with his empathy still learning empathy and recovery getting better at I live in Los Angeles now and it's helping right it's helping be I'm gonna be empathetic towards people you know especially people who have it tougher like I don't like to make fun of homeless people you know I saw a homeless guy with a sign that said restore my faith in humanity so I just said to him hey most people are doing a lot better than you [Music] I just kind of had this tender moment with him and it felt nice back when I was using I would have just walked right by him one thing that does feel great about being clean is I don't have to worry about getting caught lying or stealing any more because now that I'm sober I'm awesome at that stuff like I said before I have severe ADHD and I'm always losing things always losing my wallet like one of these days I'm gonna lose my wallet somebody is gonna steal my identity and then just totally ruin their lives my coping mechanism is humor it's what's helped me in recovery the problem is like recovery is a dark journey so jokes about it are gonna be dark aren't they there's not gonna be any heroin jokes or like light and fluffy ah you know what it's helped me because if I spend all of my time thinking about how hard and sad it was I'm just gonna be crying all the time and that probably be a really bad comic but sometimes my therapist struggled with it of me making jokes of it and making light of it but it's what got me through it like when I was in early early recovery when I just got out of treatment I've seen a therapist after rehab and all of my peers were seeing the same therapist it was like a group session that everybody around me was like falling off the wagon and relapsing my therapist said hey Andy how do you feel about everybody around you relapsing not getting clean I go well you know they say only 1 in 10 makes it through their first year so things are looking better for me all the time plus it was embarrassing being a junkie most embarrassing thing like heroin was the drug of choice but I did whatever I could and the most embarrassing thing was computer duster oh is right I bought it at the office max and the Lydia is like I need your ID because kids are using this to Huff and get high can you believe that and so I just winked at her and said well not just the kids [Music] I'm from here from Utah I started a started going to church again when I first got clean and might want to let me finish that jug it was going well it's going well until they made me a Sunday school teacher eight weeks clean from heroin teaching little kids about the Scriptures and I tried my best I really did tried my best but I did not understand those books so I got the audio CDs equally unhelpful just this old man I don't know if he's English or what but he was just like wow the multitudes came upon them after an angel blew a trumpet and then came henceforth yay verily the tyranny upon them after the slothfulness of the Israelites ran cross grain from the lamb so go forth gird up your loins and be like unto a child amen [Laughter] and I'm not trying to be sacrilegious but what does that mean like what if one of the kids were to ask me a question since Vinick alright listen kid the only way we're gonna get through this lesson is if you don't ask me anything unless it's about heroin [Laughter] yeah that was a rough one like I said earlier life isn't like perfect now but it's certainly much easier it's not perfect though I don't I don't make a lot of money cuz I do this like it's pretty desperate being a comic it's hard sometimes like I try to finagle money any way I can like I read I can get up to sixty thousand dollars if I sell a vital organ on the black market and I'm like thinking about it I just have to work up the nerve to cut out one of my roommates kidneys I used to live in a New York City anybody ever been how I feel about it I don't want to be too harsh but I'm very Pro climate change because of my experience in New York City I'm very Pro sea level rising $2,000 a month studio apartment with a view of a brick wall that smelled like rotten egg nog yeah I'm a little bitter up out in New York City and I had to get a job walking dogs all right because like you know it's so expensive and not labs or German Shorthairs like $2,500 Pomeranians that have allergies stuff like that I'll get to that in a second one time in New York City if you guys have been there's a lot of how should I put it I want to be insensitive like Psychopaths and one day my car broke down in front of Central Park in the evening and a New York City crazy man came up and just said well what could I do to help I was like it's no big deal I just have to jump it and then he said well if you're gonna jump in you're gonna need a bike and a ramp [Laughter] like no I don't think you understand I don't need that at all and I said there is no way you're gonna jump up with your legs you chubby red-faced pink suck alright fine go get the bike in the ramp here's a true story something I saw in New York City one of the parks I saw New York City man another crazy person pick up off the ground some dog poo what was disturbing about it as he did it just like it belonged to him all right here we go yeah he's just standing there holding it no biggie and I'm watching him and then he threw it at a squirrel and wouldn't you know it Provo he got it and then he just started laughing hysterically and I'm watching him like you know I guess sometimes it really is just about enjoying the small things you guys have been amazing it's almost time for me to get out of here it's so fun tell you one last joke about New York before I leave I got a job walking dogs like I said and one day I left the set list to my comedy act on the counter of a woman who I walked dogs for and she had no idea I was a comedian now a set list is what comics prepare before a show we write down our jokes you know but she didn't know I was a comic so she probably just thought it was like a to-do list or something so the next day I go in there to get paid and there's a note attached to my setlist that just says Andy I think this is yours this is the setlist I left on that lady's counter wink at man on toilets [Laughter] get neighbor to try heroin [Laughter] by army uniform at surplus store to save money at Golden Corral cutout roommates kidney and at the bottom it says this is all good stuff do this stuff tonight so I just took my set list and left a note that said hey don't worry I already did that stuff and it was hilarious thank you so much everybody you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 911,555

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Andy Gold, Andy Gold Dry Bar Comedy, Andy Gold Comedy, Andy Gold Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Clean Stand Up Comedians, rehab, addiction, dark humor, dbc, stand up, tourettes, tourette syndrome, venting, mental health

Id: f6Ximr2Qr38

Length: 39min 2sec (2342 seconds)

Published: Sat Apr 11 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/paul_miner]

Well, I loved it. And congrats on getting and staying clean!

[u/JanesDaughter]

Thank you and congrats! I'm a couple of weeks shy of 1 year.

[u/Patri100ia]

I usually don't have the patience to watch anything this long. But I did. Yer funny! Enjoyed every minute.

[u/Syllogism19]

Can you contrast performing for a cold sober audience and performing for a 2 drink minimum crowd? Was there any difference for you?

[u/RandyRowleyComedy]

Great work! I enjoyed the show.

[u/FrozenDeadDove]

I personally can’t stand Dry Bar comedy. Congratulations on the set. I’m sorry it had to be tamed.