Nick Swardson: “Cats Are Selfish Pieces of S**t”

where are the cat people who like cats people like hat cats decent it's a decent response actually why were the dog people like John [Applause] ferrets where the ferret alright this next portion of my show is about how much I think cats are selfish pieces of [ __ ] they don't care about anyone they don't care about anybody and I'm sure you're like and Nick do what it still mad at cat I'll tell you I got attacked by a cat attacked sir I don't mean scratched I mean attacked I don't know if you've ever been attacked by a house cat it is the most horrifying / embarrassing thing that could ever happen to you at one time it's so embarrassing so my mom gets a new cat back in Minnesota she's all like sorry you're coming into town I have a new cat his name is snowy because he's white she goes you gotta meet up oh you gotta meet him that's just you kept saying how you meet a calico it's up snowy right oh it's up Nick you have an accurate whatever so your cat right it's cool it's gonna be weird right I'm smaller and [ __ ] okay cool but I make an effort okay it's my mom it's her cat she loves she goes to sleep one night late like 2:30 in the morning I'm like you know what I'm gonna clock in some hours well it's snowy here she goes about him in my boxers I'm ready for bed - so I'm like God Hank I was snowy so we're like lying on the carpet I'm petting him it's a nice moment he's petting me it's nice all of a sudden he snaps just snaps on a dime out of nowhere he just jumps up and he's like and just stares at me like I'm a [ __ ] avatar or something like he doesn't he can't process all the sudden what's going on she stares at me and he did it like on his own like I didn't like fingers [ __ ] then he and then he like flipped out it wasn't like hey why are we weird snow I mean weird you like you get fingered weird oh no on his own just jumps up and then does the crazy [ __ ] can't move or he just lets me just goes [Music] now that's not a positive sound I can pretty much figure that out that's not gonna end well he's not gonna be like no it's a bad sound I don't even know where it comes from in the cat's body it's like like the depths of hell Oh oh my god I love that something this summer when you like hear it like when you're like in your house he was like the window open and you just hear like in an alley somewhere like you're like shits going down I always feel like women should use that sound yeah if you're like in a bar or a club it like some guys being a dick like what's up [ __ ] just look at him be like [Music] [Applause] Oh soon as the Katherine hisses at me then the attacks I'm in my underwear by the way boxer shorts just ravaging my legs I don't know what to do it's a [ __ ] cat just like don't do that please stop doing that please don't do that I don't like that that is some [Applause] [Music] awful portal you want to end the whole thing right there and just be like just some bloodsport Roadhouse but I didn't smile mom's cat I'm a nice guy not a psycho so I did the manly thing all right guy and I ran I was like no go away go then I hide it's even more embarrassing so I run into the bathroom and hide from a [ __ ] cat let's reiterate that it's a cat so I hide it close the bathroom door I'm like what do I do no idea what to do is scared like I call the police sing a weird thing cute tooth cats so and I'm holding the door I catch myself holding the door I don't know why he's not gonna come through the door it's not gonna be like the shining or something he's like gonna ship away through the door like with his claw like here's snow so this is why cats are [ __ ] but they're also smart I'll give them that so I'm holding the door the cat I don't know this goes through the living room through the kitchen through the back bedroom to the other door of the bathroom behind me I don't know that so I'm like figuring out what I'm gonna do I just hear text me again again I lose round two goes to snowy and then the next day I wake up excited to tell my mom that her cat is crazy and I literally wake up my mom's cooking breakfast in the kitchen snow he's on the couch like and then I walk in my legs are bloody as [ __ ] and my mom it's like sees me she's like sees my legs she's like oh what happened I go what happened apparently snowy is addicted to PCP and he freebase is it when you go to sleep at night and then he loses his [ __ ] mind [Applause] and this is why women have like a weird connection with cats I've known my mom my whole life whole life day one day one she's had this cat for a month my own mother looks at her son and his bloody legs and after I said that the cat did it she looks at me just cuz no you did that I did that to mice to myself I did that to my side cut my own body up to frame a cat but this is why dogs are great a dog will save your life if you can't fight somebody off it'll least warn you really at least help somehow you know what I mean if somebody guy comes in your house with a machete ski mask a dog would be like a Shetty and a ski mask that guy's not going skiing Nexxus sleep I gotta tell him I gotta tell them [Applause] try to warn you you know the cat's gonna do cats gonna be like said a machete that's a machete and the ski mask and Nick's asleep and and Nick's [ __ ] dead [Applause] you

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 1,043,879

Rating: 4.8230829 out of 5

Keywords: Nick Swardson, Taste It, Nick Swardson comedian, Nick Swardson stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedians, cats, animals, pets, attack, mom, meow, dogs, funny, funny video, comedy videos, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, best comedy, best stand up

Id: ot3fJgtBK-M

Length: 9min 38sec (578 seconds)

Published: Sun Apr 05 2020