Hello! How are we? (audience cheering) Thank you for being here. This is, look at this. This is... I am dressed inappropriately for this backdrop. (audience laughing) This is, uh, this is the PG version of Westworld, that's what this is. It's Loony Tunes meets Westworld. Well, my name's Josh and
I am happy to be here and, uh, a lot of comedians, after the show, we get to talk to people,
we get to meet people. They always wanna ask the same questions. The one that I get asked the most is, why do you do standup, how'd you get into doing standup? And it's a pretty simple reason. Um, I feel like I'm funny all the time. And I don't mean 24 hours a day, I mean not just when I'm on stage, right? But the problem with that
is when I'm funny out there in the real world and I don't have lights and a microphone and cameras on me and people sitting in
chairs next to each other, facing me, waiting to
hear something funny, a lot of times, jokes just go to waste. So, I started doing
standup to give my humor a second chance at life. (audience laughing) A good example of this was
the last Valentine's Day, I was at my local grocery store in the floral department trying to find that perfect bouquet to take home with me and there's another
gentleman a couple feet away doing the exact same thing
and he didn't talk to me but he was talking to me,
'cause I was the only one around and he was talking pretty loud. This is what he says. He goes, "(pff) Man, it's crazy how much money" "you gotta spend on something" "that's just gonna die." And I was like "I know," "and you gotta buy them flowers." (audience laughing) Now, listen, people, I love my wife, but that
may be the funniest thing I have ever said in my entire life. Okay? But he wasn't ready for it. (audience laughing) He was like, "Well, good
luck with that, buddy." And he just started to walk away. I was like, Dude, that was gold! (audience laughing) It's a good thing I'm on Twitter. (audience laughing) I'm from Cincinnati, Ohio, uh, which means I go on terrible, Midwest
family vacations every year. I have no say in where we go. Two years ago we went to Amish Country. I don't know if you guys
have been to Amish Country but that place... is not fun at all, okay? I did not care for it. You
know what I didn't like? I'll tell you what I didn't like. The people. I didn't like the people. I... I'm sorry. If you're friends with them I apologize. I just, I found them to be very
hypocritical, you know? 'Cause they're all, "We don't
believe in electricity. Heh heh" "But we'll use it if we
need to run your Visa card." And I don't like that attitude, all right? I said you go big or go home, Ezekiel. Don't plug up. (audience laughing) It's a slippery slope. He didn't like me. Probably because his name wasn't Ezekiel but he looked like it should have been. (audience laughing) You know? I couldn't have been that far off, is what I'm trying to say. I think we just got started
on the wrong foot, okay? Because the only reason I
agreed to go in the first place was if I was allowed to take pictures that I could put on Facebook. And the first time I take a picture, I get scolded by this Amish man. He says, "Sir, we would appreciate,
if you're gon' take pictures" "that you did not
take them of us." And I said, Why is that? He said, "Pictures give
us a sense of pride" "and we don't like to do things
that make us feel proud." I said, You're charging three
grand for a kitchen table without any chairs to go with it. I'm pretty sure you're proud
of that table, all right? (audience laughing) Not proud... Why don't you
tell me for the fourth time how you put that barn up in one day? You're not proud? Okay. I'm just gonna go over here and I'll just let you know that I don't care
how good your pretzels are, I'm not gonna be coming
back here to Amish Country. And, I left them a scathing Yelp review. I never heard back from a manager which is so typical. (audience laughing) But, uh... Last year we did Gatlinburg, Tennessee. (audience "Whoo!") Been there, yeah? Gatlinburg, if you haven't been, it's an American Indian word. It means, "land of the couples" "that wear matching airbrush T-shirts." I don't know if that's accurate, but it's accurate, okay? And they always pick the same design. It's a silhouette of
a much skinnier couple than the people who are
wearing the T-shirts. And on the shirts, that couple, they are holding hands,
confidently in love. Their feet are in the sand, they're underneath a palm tree. There's a rainbow sunset
on what is clearly the ocean in the background. Then they write "Gatlinburg" across the top so that you know which of the islands in the Smokey Mountains
that they visited, right? They're not, they're not smart people, okay? But it makes for great people watching. Now, I don't know if you
like to people watch. (audience "Whoo!") But, uh, I'm a huge fan. It's free. (audience laughs) You know, you just sit there
with someone you love, and talk about the folks walking
by for a couple hours. And uh, and Gatlinburg is prime pickin's. I mean, I mean get your camera ready. You're gonna see someone
that you like enough to want to share them with others. And, uh, and I'd like to put this out there, if you ever take pictures
when you people watch, please email them to me because my buddies and I trade them like
they're baseball cards. It's, it's probably the most
fun game I've ever played. (audience laughing) Uh, I'll give you a couple tips if you think you might wanna take pictures
when you people watch. Number one: make sure that
the flash and the sound on your phone are turned off. (audience laughing) I know, sounds like a no-brainer, right? Guys, I've been doing this a long time. I messed up. (audience laughing) I'm in line for security at the airport. I'm going this way. Coming at me: gentleman, Hawaiian shirt, shaved face but at the top
of his shirt was this... ...perm? I don't know if that's the right... A tuft?
(audience laughing) It was the brightest, whitest, bushiest chest hair I
have ever seen in my life. I've seen white chest hair, okay? This was next level. It was teased, possibly bleached. (audience laughing) He looked like a Build-a-Bear whose neck had been slit to send
a message to the other Build-a-Bears to get it together 'cause their numbers are low, right? (audience laughing) And I knew if I didn't
get a picture of him I wasn't gonna be able
to sleep that night. Now... (audience laughing) Here's the rub: I can't take a picture from
this distance at this angle. No one's gonna appreciate
how awesome this thing is. If I really want the likes, I gotta time it so that
when he's passing by me, I can get that profile shot. Right? Really give it some depth. (audience laughing) Now to do this, it's a timing thing so I have this face I make which is basically, "What?
I'm just checking Twitter" "even though my phone's kind of pointed" "in your general direction." (audience laughing) He stops right here, I hit the button. It's like, "Kik-Kik! FLASH!" I was like, There's a Pokemon
on your shoulder, sir. Could you please? I'm gonna get it. Just... ... please hold still. (audience laughing) Aw, he jumped into your
obnoxious chest hair. That stinks, maybe next time. We'll get him next time. Get him at the layover. (audience laughing) So be careful! The other tip is also
a very, uh, obvious one but it's what happened to me when I was in Gatlinburg. And that's: make sure
you have a full battery. All right? If you're gonna spend a day
people watching, picture taking, charge up. 'Cause I'm in Gatlinburg,
I'm on the main drag. If you've never been there, Gatlinburg is basically just one hill. It's just this one street,
you know, with "museums." Um, I mean, that's their word, not mine. (audience laughing) I mean call me old-fashioned
but I just feel like if Cooter the tow truck driver
from 'The Dukes of Hazzard' is the only face I can see on
the front of your building, you're not allowed to
call it a museum, okay? I don't care what's inside. (audience laughing) They got a lot of gift shops. And then my favorite place to people watch in any tourist town, but
especially Gatlinburg, is the old-fashioned Candy Kitchen. I love that place so much because no matter what
time of day you walk up, you're gonna see the same thing. There's gonna be a hillbilly
pressed up against the window who can not figure out
how they're making taffy on the other side of the window and it is the greatest
thing they ever seen. They're like, "Git outta here!" "Nuh-uh!"
(audience laughing) "Hey, come look!" "This where they make it!" (audience laughing) "The taffy, from Cracker Barrel." "Yeah, it all comes from..." "I don't know how they do it" "even though I can see the whole
process from right here. This is..." They stand there. Hours. And I saw her a block away, dude: the Mickey Mantle rookie
card of people watching. I got so excited, I was like, (Gasp!) I've heard about you! (audience laughing) You are coming home with me. Easy girl... Easy girl, I'm not gonna hurt ya. (clicking) I got close enough, I pressed the button. Nothing happened, I just press it again. Dead battery sign. What?! No! I scared her, she ran back into 'Ripley's
Believe it or Not'. Believe it or not. (audience laughing) And I just sat down on
the bench right there in between the 'Pancake Pantry'
and 'Fanny Farkle's Arcade'. I was so mad. All this time I tracked her, I just let her get away. (audience laughing) Wish I could pass my phone around, let you guys see how awesome she was, but I can't 'cause I was careless. So I'll just describe her as best I can. She had early 1990's hair. Remember that look? Pulled back tight in a ponytail but in the front— (whistling) (whistling continues) Guys, you remember that look? I don't know if you ever
saw how those got made. I showed up too early for prom one year, haven't slept a full night since. That... haunts me. I'll never forget, I walked
through the back door, corsage in hand, she's just standing there in front of the big mirror. (thumping) (spraying)
(audience laughing) (shakes bottle, clicking) (spraying)
(audience laughing) She was gorgeous. (audience laughing) But this lady in Gatlingburg, I don't know how else to descr— —she looked like someone who might frequent a Long John Silvers /
Kentucky Fried Chicken. Like a two-in-one fast food restaurant. I don't know if you guys ever go to those but there's good people
watching in there, too. Umm... Any of them. I don't care what the combo is. For some reason, the average redneck brain can't seem to process that
there are two businesses operating behind one counter
and sharing the menu above and the first time they see it it just catches them off guard. They're like "Okay, could I get a..." (audience laughing) "Okay, do I need to be at this register" "if I want chicken? I just..." "Is this like a food court or somethin'?" (audience laughing) "It's the same company?" "I can order off both of 'em?" "Oh, I didn't know that." (audience laughing) "Oh, well, I'm gettin' a family meal deal," "I get two sides." "Could I get a side from this side" "and then a side from that side?" "Like, if I could hurry up and decide," "could I go from side to side for my sides?" "I can?! I wanna try that! Okay..." "Umm..." "Well, extra biscuits." "I mean, I knew that 'fore I came in here." "Aaaand... what does Long John Silvers have?" "Hush puppies! What?!" "Can I do that, two breads?" "Oh yeah, hook it up." I know it sounds like
I'm really exaggerating for the sake of standup comedy, but it's not as much as you think, okay? I promise if you go to any
two-in-one fast food restaurant and just grab a seat
close to the register, just within ear shot, within
five minutes you'll hear some trucker spit out a sentence that has never been formed
in the history of words 'cause he's buckling under the pressure of the line that's now formed behind him. He's like, "Ha, okay I'm sorry you guys," "I just, I hadn't even thought about tacos" "and then I come in here and, boom!," "right there they are next to the pizza." (audience laughing) But if you can make wherever you go, half of it Long John Silvers, like, that's where you're
gonna have the best time. All right? At any Long John Silvers
you will hear a grown man ask for extra crumbs. Which is a new low for our society. And really race as humans. Now if I've completely lost you, Long John Silvers, it's a
fast food seafood restaurant. And what they do is they
take chicken and fish and they dip it in their batter and then they put it in the deep fryer and when they flip it from the deep fryer little pieces of that batter break off and then a pile of
those little pieces form and then people go, "Hey! Can
I get a scoop of the thing, that," "right there, I want some of that stuff," "like the garbage on the bottom." "I want some of, like," "put some of that into my treasure chest." (audience laughing) They get all... And I was like,
"Did that guy just ask for more crumbs?" Like, I thought I might
have misheard, right? She pushes a button on the register, boop, crumbs: 10 cents. I was like, You gotta be kidding me! How often does this happen?! Okay? Seriously. Like, I thought I could be
witnessing the first time in the history of Long
John Silvers where some guy was like, "Listen, this is
gonna sound a little crazy, "but I'm a little short on cash and I have" "a long drive ahead of me," "could you maybe just put some of" "that stuff into a cup?" "I could snack on it while I'm on the road, I don't know..." (audience laughing) No, people. It happens so much that it has been programmed into the register. And if that's the case, right, if whatever you call that stuff has its own button, which I'm
pretty sure we can all agree was not in the original business plan, (audience laughing) that tells me that
there is a day somewhere that it went down, right? And as a professional people watcher, I'm just mad I wasn't there to see it. You know, 'cause I just
picture some toothless manager storming out of the back, "'Ey! Somebody's gonna have to start" "paying for these crunchies, all right?" "I can't be giving this stuff away all day" "if everybody's gonna ask for it!" "We gotta figure something out." (audience laughing) "Let's just be honest,
y'all love free stuff." "That's what it is, ain't it?" "Yeah it is, that's why we had to get rid" "of our tarter sauce pump
and switch to packets," "put them behind the counter," "limit two per customer," "'cause y'all were pumping
it right into your boats." "Are you kidding me?!" "Nobody needs that much tarter sauce!" "And I'm sick of dealing with it." And he tries to slam the door but it's that metal kitchen door, right? So it just... (audience laughing) 10 minutes later no one's speaking 'cause you can still hear
him in the back ticked off. "I ain't settling down,
Tommy, I'm sick of this!" "They don't pay me enough
to put up with this." "I'm so mad my hand's shaking." "I'm supposed to bowl tonight, now what?" (audience laughing) "I'm done. Well, I don't
care if I said it before" "I mean it this time, you watch." "Soon as I can afford that lift kit" "and them Luke Bryan tickets," "you ain't never gonna see me again." "I'm out."
(audience laughing) "Well of course I'm going." "Florida Georgia Line's openin'," "I ain't gonna miss that." "They're the only dudes that
can settle me down right now." (audience laughing) "You'd do that for me?" "All right, you take the Nelly part." ♪ You make me wanna roll my windows down ♪ (audience laughing) Okay, listen. Obviously I've thought way too much about a day that probably never happened. Okay, I'll give you that. (audience laughing) But I have questions! And
I want them answered! And the only people that can answer them are those in charge of the Yum brands. If you're not familiar with who they are, Pizza Hut, Taco Bell,
Kentucky Fried Chicken, Long John Silvers, A&W Root Beer. Now I don't know what they're on, but they're on something. Okay? All their ideas, whether
it's for the restaurant, the two-in-one fast food concept itself, I feel like they just get
together in a big room. "Hey, hey, Carl, you got anything?" "Umm..." (clicks tongue) "There have been several occasions" "where I was like, 'I want
fried chicken and pizza'" "'at the same time' but probably was not in a," "in a stb—a stable position to
drive two separate places." (audience laughing) "Can we do something about that?" "Yeah, I think we can do
something about that." "We can probably sell both
of those here, right?" "Yeah? All right, we can put that down." "Save some money on rent." "Phil, what do you guys got?" "Okay, we're representin' Pizza Hut." "And, umm... you know the doughy part" "around the outside of the pizza?" "The crust?" "The crust! " (aside) "Dude, I told
you it was called a crust." "What if, and I'm just spit-ballin' here," "we removed the crust and replace it" "with a ring of soft
pretzel, pigs in a blanket," "and, if we can't do that, can
we just fill it with cheese?" (audience laughing) "Well, we can certainly
look into one of those," "if not all of them." "I think those are all good ideas" "our audience would certainly enjoy. Uh..." "Ricky, what about you?" "I've always wanted to make taco shells" "out of Doritos." "That's what I'm talking about!" "That needs to be, put that down first." "We gotta figure that one out first." "Maybe the greatest idea that's ever" "come out of these summits." "We'll start with Nacho Cheese," "Cool Ranch in the fourth quarter." "People will love little
red and green flecks" "on their taco shells at Christmas." "I love it, I love everything I'm hearin'." Taco Bell, they... they crack me up, right? Because they know if
you're gonna eat there, you're gonna eat there. Right? Nobody's on the fence about Taco Bell. Nobody's like, "Well, let's just wait and see" "what the next commercial looks like." You know if you're gonna go back or not. And Taco Bell knows that. That's why they can put out a product that has the exact same ingredients as three other products
on their current menu, they just change the
name and / or shape of it. (audience laughing) And will make you feel
dumb for asking about it. They're like, "What we have for the spring," "this is seasoned steak, lettuce, cheese," "tomato and sour cream
encased a flour tortilla." "Anybody have any questions?" "Um, yeah, that sounds like a steak burrito." "Well, it's not." "Okay?" "A steak burrito is rolled up. 'Kay?" "With this, we fold the sides in," "we press it with a T-shirt iron." "I don't know what's so hard to understand" "about the technology we've invested" "in the Crunch Wrap." "It's what we're calling it." "It's a Crunch Wrap." (audience laughing) Their desserts, they don't
even try with their desserts. They just take some other dessert you're kind of familiar with and change it a little bit, you know? "We have Cinnabon bites." Isn't that just a cut up Cinnabon? (scoffs) "I mean, yeah, but we
cut it up for you, okay?" "You can say, 'gracias'." (audience laughing) "We took
the time to put it into" "this drink cup that was
already sitting right here." (audience laughing) "How much of the lifting do we have to do?" (audience laughing) I remember a couple years ago, the Hostess Company went bankrupt and then like a month later
some mysterious entity saved them from bankruptcy. I thought for sure it was Taco Bell. I was waiting for that commercial. For years I was waiting
for that commercial, right? Just, "It's the Twinkie Burrito." "We have stuffed a Twinkie
full of taco meat," "deep fried it." (audience laughing) (imitates drive-thru speaker)
"Sir, would you like Twinkie
cream or sour cream?" I don't care if it's coffee cream, I would like my Twinkie burrito, some fire sauce, two Ho-Ho-loopas, and a Mountain Dew. The blue Mountain Dew, too! I want the Baja! (audience laughing) Guys, we got an obesity
problem in this country. And I know you're like, "Is this dude" "about to make fun of fat people" "while using his stomach as an arm rest?" "And my answer is, 'Yes'." I sure am.
(audience cheering) Okay, you don't have to clap! That's not supposed to be the funniest thing I've said so far. Okay? (audience laughing) I... (audience laughing) I understand where I'm at with this body. A'ight? (audience laughing) There's so many little signs that tell you, "You need to... You need to fix it." Right? "You need to get it... get it together." Like, I'm in a weight now where if I raise my hand higher than this, I gotta fix my clothes
when I put it back down. Little signs, little signs let you know it's time to clean it up. (audience laughing) Had another one recently when I was on an airplane and
the Delta flight attendant asked me to switch seats
to balance out a 747. That will ruin your day instantly! (audience laughing) And I know it wasn't me, all right? I know it wasn't me. It was where I was sitting versus where there were too many empty seats. But when you're a little
self-conscious about your weight, you can't process that. You can't rationalize. That's not what you hear. What you hear is, "Uh, sir, if
you go 10 feet that way" "the whole plane will fly properly." "Could you help us out?" "Could you help us out? Thank you." "Thank you." (audience laughing) "It's very kind of you." "And if you have to use the restroom" "please ring your call button" "so we can send two
people back to your seat." "I don't want this, I don't wanna go nose up" "right into the sun, okay?" (audience laughing) "Yes, I'll give you some
extra Biscoff cookies" "for this hassle, yes I will." "I know they're your favorite, yes." (audience laughing) I think this is gonna my... be my
year to get it back, you guys. That wasn't supposed to be funny either, man. (audience laughing) I'm a little optimistic. My weight's gone up
and down my entire life and I blame the 'Book It' program. Umm... Some of you know. If you're unfamiliar, when
I was in elementary school, Pizza Hut decided that the best way to solve the illiteracy problem was to offer children a
free personal pan pizza if they read four books, or... told their teacher that they read four books. And... (audience laughing) And it was great! (audience laughing) It was great when you were a kid. You got pizza for doing homework. But 25 years later, nobody's
making you read books, you're hooked on pizza. That's kind of what I'm
going through right now. (audience laughing) I just love food! And it's not that I eat too much, I just eat the wrong things. I love bad food. You know? But I know I'm not the only one. I mean, Bath and Body Works was selling a candle that smells like mashed potatoes. How fat are you, okay, (audience laughing) when you want your bedroom to smell (audience laughing) like buttered mashed potatoes? (audience laughing) This fat! I got the gravy one, too. You guys! it smells so
good, I'm not gonna lie. I can't lie to you, you're so nice. It smelled just like 'em. It was buy one, get one. (audience laughing) And I got a free bottle
of fried chicken body wash 'cause I opened up a
credit card to pay for it. Like it was a totally good deal. (audience laughing) I mean you can turn on the TV and know how we feel about food. There's a reason there's not a show called 'Gluten Free Vegan Cupcake Wars'. No one wants to watch it. Nobody's like, "Hey, did you
see 'Salad Boss' last night?" (audience laughing) "Yeah, it was crazy." And vegans, I don't know if
there's any vegans in here with enough strength to raise your hand. Is there one? To su—Was that her? Was that someone calling out for meat? "Ah, I'm a vegan!" "Help me!" "I need a burger!" (audience laughing) Oh, I'm envious of vegans. If you can do it, good for you. It's... I ain't about that life. (audience laughing) I've had one vegan experience. It did not go well. I'm in Jacksonville, Florida. I'm walking down the street. I pass a bakery with all these beautiful things in the window. So I
just kind of poke my head in. I go, Excuse me, ma'am? What are those on the bottom? She says, "That's a root beer float donut" "and it just came out of the
oven about 20 minutes ago." "Do you want one?" I was like, No. I want two. (audience laughing) But... (audience laughing) only put one in the bag 'cause the other one ain't making it out of this store. (audience laughing) So she hands me the one over the counter, I take a bite as we walk to
the register and I was like, (coughs) (audience laughing) (gags) (audience laughing) (retches) (spits, breaths sharply) Mm-mm, No. (distasteful grumbling)
(audience laughing) She's like, "Sir, did you
know this is a vegan bakery?" I was like, Nope! She's like, "Yep, that's what I figured." (audience laughing) She goes, "See this sign right here?" "It says no product contains an ingredient" "that comes from an animal." I was like, "Well that's ironic" "'cause this is some bullsh—" No! Listen, I didn't say it! I didn't say it, but I should've 'cause she deserved to hear it. You DO deserve to hear it! She should know when I
came through that door that I was in the wrong place. Look at me! LOOK AT ME! (audience laughing) I guarantee I don't look like any of her regulars, okay?! And I would have had a
lot more respect for her if she would have been like, "Uh, sir," "I think you might want
the place down the street." "Yeah, that's okay, it
happens all the time." "It's right down the street." "They'll have everything
you're looking for," "milk, eggs, butter," "taste—" "right down the street." "Just, yeah, I don't know." "Maybe two blocks." "I'm sure you'll call an Uber" "and you can wait in here." "I know, it's at least 70 degrees" "with no humidity outside." "I wouldn't want you meltin'." (audience laughing) All I'm saying is I don't know who came up with that phrase "looks can be deceiving", but I bet they just walked
out of a vegan bakery. That's what I'm trying to say. (audience laughing) I think you can tell how much we love food based on the shows that are popular. You know, 'Man Vs. Food'. They're on round two of that. They got a new guy 'cause the first one exploded or whatever. Like, do we need to do that show again? I don't think we do. Did we not learn the first time around? I did. I learned what will happen to your body if you eat terrible
every day for six years. And if you think I'm wrong, watch an episode from season one of 'Man Vs. Food' and then immediately watch an episode from season
six of 'Man Vs. Food'. You'll see the difference. That guy was way skinnier when he started and he had an amazing vocabulary. Where'd that go? Watch season one, the
guy is super articulate. He's like, "Folks, there's
a symphony of flavor" "going on in my mouth right now." "When I crunched down, I
got heat from the peppers," "I got sweet from the relish," "there's salt in the bacon—" "this place is amazing." "They've made perfect harmony" "in the form of a sandwich." But then six years later he's like. (heavy breathing)
(audience laughing) "This is yummy." "This is so good." (audience laughing) I think it's too easy to eat terrible. That's what I think it is, you know? 'Cause it wasn't that
long ago where it's like you wanna eat bad, you got a
couple places you can go to. Now they compete with each other to see who can offer
something worse for you. Wendy's has a sandwich
called Son of Baconator. Their food is having
kids when they're closed. Do you understand how bad that is for you? (audience laughing) That's how I order it, too. I'm like, Give me a Baconator
and one of his children. I don't know, got a boy? They usually taste better. (audience laughing) Golden Corral is a thing. You can go there... ...once. You can't go twice 'cause there's no way to not look at other people eating there. There's no regulations on what people are and aren't allowed to do with their food and that's why it's... I'm out. It's like no, I understand the value of giving me access to this
chocolate fondue fountain for eight dollars but I'm not gonna use it 'cause I just saw that guy
pass by with his prime rib. (audience laughing) "Hey, that's not gravy." Oh, I know. (audience laughing) What's that? It's whipped
cream on corn on the cob. It's called creamed corn, all right? I'm trying to have
lunch if you don't mind. (audience laughing) You can order bad food off of TV. QVC sells food, the shopping channel. They have food on there. You can have four dozen,
individually wrapped, frosted sugar cookies
delivered to your front door. They'll give you six months to pay it off. That blows my mind that that's an option. Why is that an option? (audience laughing) You know what I'm saying? Like, I get it if you're buying a laptop, or a living room set, sure. But you have to put cookies on EZ Pay, maybe don't get the cookies, okay? (audience laughing) Then the next channel over tells you how to get rock hard abs in 90 days. I fell for that one, too. P90X. I got it. It's a 90 day program. I made it 15... ...minutes, about 15 minutes. It's hard. Nobody on those DVD's look like me. Once again, that should have been my clue that I was in the wrong place. (audience laughing) Every person on there yelling at me like they know me. Telling me to keep going no
matter how much it burns. Well, you look like you've been doing it since you could walk. How about just one guy that looks like me laying on the ground out of breath before the warm-up's over, you know what I'm saying? I might check out disc two just to see what happened to that guy. (audience laughing) They're like, "Well, we lost Kevin yesterday," "but we're glad that you're back," "'cause today is all about that core." (audience laughing) I don't know, it just wasn't for me. And I'm sure you're like, "Well you probably had" "a bad attitude about it." No, I didn't. I had the right attitude. I had upgraded to the
multi-colored resistance bands. I expedited the shipping. I wasn't even looking for it. I'm just on the couch
minding my own business watching TV and this dude comes on. He's like, "Hey man, you want a six pack?" Yeah.
(audience laughing) "You want it in six months?" I mean, three would be better. (audience laughing) "DONE." So I called him, put it in and within seconds,
immediately regretted every decision I had ever made in my life that led me up to that moment. (audience laughing) 'Cause I was terrible at it right from the beginning and I think that's why I got so frustrated. You know? 'Cause like let's say
this is where my health was. And I see the P90X DVD
and I'm like, that's it. That's gonna be my ticket. I'm about to get jacked up. (audience laughing) But I was so bad at it
that when I took it out, I didn't wanna do anything. I just sat around watching TV, eating Oreos. I tried every kind of
Oreo they came out with. Almost out of spite. Like I was trying to hurt P90X's feelings. You know, when you see your ex when you're with your new one. You're like, "This is who I'm with now." That's how it was with P90X, just eating Oreos right in their face. How you like that, Tony? (audience laughing) And by the time I snapped out of that funk and I felt like I wanted
to be active again, I was down here. I was like
dude, this is not fair. I'm fatter because I tried P90X. (audience laughing) And that's how it went with everything. Diets, I tried every kind of diet. I was on this Minecraft diet. Three square meals a day. Did nothing.
(audience laughing) Exercise programs, gym memberships. I bought the Fitbit. Everybody was like, "Josh, that's
what you need is a Fitbit." "Technology—you can track your progress" "right from your phone." "You'll love it." I got the nicest Fitbit they make. Vibrates, sends you little messages. I've just learned to ignore it like everything else that's ever tried to help me live
a longer, happier life. (audience laughing) It'd be like, (buzzing) "You wanna go for a walk?" No, I'm good. (audience laughing) What I need is a Quitbit, that's what I need. I need someone to invent that. Just a device that'll buzz
and send me little messages that reaffirm this lifestyle
I've grown to love. (buzzing) "You're doing great, go back to bed." Oh, okay. (audience laughing) (buzzing) "Who wants meatballs?" I want meatballs! (buzzing) "They're on QVC right now" Oh, okay. And they were! I'm loaded up on meatballs for two years, I'll have them paid off in February. It's great. (audience laughing) What I realize is that I was watching P90X in the first place. Like, that was what was doing me wrong 'cause if you watch it
long enough you're like, "Everybody looks like this." You know? But now what I
do is when it comes on, I turn it off and I put on Trainwreck TV to remind myself there's
a lot of people out there way worse off than I am. So if I can just maintain this, I'm cool with that. That's the way to do it. Like, it's so much easier
to achieve your goals when you don't set any. Like, seriously, you just wake up, feel like, "I've won the day." (audience laughing) I was watching those shows already, I was just watching them wrong. 'Intervention', 'Freaky Eaters',
'I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant'— all those shows.
(audience laughing) I used to think they were sad, now I think they're great
for building self-esteem. (audience laughing) And I understand some people
have a problem with that. I'm just telling you what works for me. 'Cause sometimes I'll
be sitting in my hotel and I'll think, I don't know if I'm gonna have a good show tonight. And then I turn on 'My Strange Addiction' and I'm like, yes I am gonna
have a good show tonight. (audience laughing) And I
know I am 'cause I'm not gonna go out and eat toilet
paper when it's over. That's how I know. (audience laughing) I don't know if you watch
'My Strange Addiction', but I have a strange
addiction for that show. I'm kind of obsessed with it. It's fantastic. Every episode is pretty much the same. There's a woman eating
or drinking something no human is supposed to consume. And then there's a guy
doing kind of creepy stuff. (audience laughing) One lady, my favorite is this one lady who eats couch cushions. She opens up the pillows on her couch and then eats the stuffing out of them. And my favorite part about
her is when she's done, she immediately zips it back up like she's trying to keep the
rest of it fresh for later, right? Like, get the air out, (gssh) zip. Chip clip, so funny. So funny.
(audience laughing) All those shows are on
'The Learning Channel'. (laughs) It's hilarious to me! So funny! We have 700 stations. One of them is called
'The Learning Channel'. That's where you put those shows? (audience laughing) What are you trying to teach me? 'Cause I'll tell you what, the only thing I've learned from watching 'The Learning Channel' is
there's crazy people everywhere. And that's accurate. I don't care what part
of town you live in, there are crazy people close by you. And if you ever wanna meet them to see what they're like, it's super easy. Have a garage sale. That's all you do. Put it on Craig's List and in the paper that you're having a garage sale and a freak show will form on your lawn two hours before the garage sale is even scheduled to begin. (audience laughing) I'm looking through the blinds. I was like, We said 10, right? (audience laughing) Well, they're here. Look like The Walking Dead out there. It was like, "Brains!" No, that says bargains. (audience laughing) I don't know if you've had a garage sale and you know what I'm talking about. But it makes me hate people. I'm not gonna lie to you. It really bothers me, I don't
know why I do it all the... every year, but... 'Cause those people I just talked about, they're a real thing. There's a term for them in
the garage sale community called "Early Birds". Apparently I'm a jerk because
I didn't put in the ad they weren't supposed to be there. This lady's just standing out there. I was like, Can I help you ma'am? She's like, "Well, I'm here
for the garage sale." I'm like, Well, you're
about two hours early. "Well, it didn't say no early birds." (audience laughing) This is how bad it got. This is not a joke. Last time we had a garage sale, press the button to open the door, there's a woman crouched down who raised up with the garage door like she's in a 90's boy band video just kind of stepping in. I was like, Get out of here! No! This is not Black Friday! There is nothing in here worth the effort you are exerting right now. (audience laughing) I get so mad. Same characters, just different faces. I'll tell you who the worst one is: Guy who just watched three
episodes of 'American Pickers' and now thinks he's Indiana Jones. This guy... Every time, just walks right up, "Hey man, you got any antiques?" No, sir, I'm 35. I don't know why you
thought this was the place to begin a treasure hunt. (audience laughing) But here's the problem, no matter how annoyed you get, you gotta be nice to 'em. You can't say whatever you want. That's hard for me to do. Do you understand? I'm like, No, sir, there's no antiques but, uh, there are some great deals. This toaster, check this out. We got married last year, we don't need two toasters. So we're selling this
one and it's a dollar. And they'll talk you down! Doesn't matter how good your pricing is, if they've seen an episode of 'Pawn Stars', it's negotiatin' time. Now he's sweating over my
toaster for half an hour. "Oh, buddy, I don't know." (clicking) "I mean, I need a toaster
and that's a... what's that," "it's a Sunbeam?" "I mean it's all right, you know?" "It ain't like a Kitchen
Aide or a Hamilton Beach," "you know, something I
might get excited about." "I'm trying to find one
of them Oster toasters." "Anybody around here sellin' one of them?" "It's a stainless steel,
double wide chamber?" "That thing'll burn a
frozen bagel in 12 seconds." "That thing's bad." "This is, well what I'm gon' do with this?" "Make toast?" (mouth noises) (flingadingadingading) "Well the
springs are still good." "What'd you say?" "A dollar?" (scoffs) "No, man." "Naw, I'd like to do business
with ya, but I mean," "we're just so far apart right now." "I don't know." (audience laughing) "I mean I could probably...
what's today, Wednesday?" "Hah, it's gonna be tough, but... I mean I could," (pff) "I could probably go 25 cents." 25 cents?! I'll beat it
over your face for free, how about that, buddy? 'Cause let me tell you something, watching you leave with a broken nose will be worth way more than
a dollar at this point. It's a dollar, sir. It's a toaster, that
still works, for a dollar! (aside) Nah, screw this guy, honey! I got... (audience laughing) I got thrown out of my own garage sale. (audience laughing) She made me leave. (audience laughing) But I couldn't just go. I was like, all right, I'm leavin'. But I want everybody to know something. I will not be disrespected
in my own garage and because of how all you're acting, I'm taking the toaster. And the Beanie Baby with a mystery stain. And the Playstation One without any games, controllers, or a power cord and a lid that does
have to be taped closed when you wanna use it. That's right, they're
all coming back inside. And I carried them back into the house along with my pride. And the next day, the very next day, as I drove that stuff to Goodwill where I would lose money in the gas that it took to get it there. (audience laughing) I got on the phone with my manager, I said book me for a special on VidAngel because I got some stuff I
need to get off my chest. So thank you guys for listening. I hope you had a good time. And we'll see you next time, thank you. (audience cheering) Looking good! Yes! Provo! (audience cheering) Utah! (audience cheering) February! (audience laughs) - Yeah! - Yeah, winter does not affect you people. Foot of ice on the highway, foot of snow on top of that. You're still going 90 miles an hour. That's what the side windows are for. (audience laughing) My first time ever in Provo, went out today and did what everyone does the first time they come to Provo. I went to Walmart 'cause I wanted to look nice. (audience laughing) I love Walmart 'cause you can think your life is pretty screwed up and then you go to Walmart, and then you're like oh jeez, look at those people. (audience laughing) Driving around town, I passed a house for sale by the owner. Well, who else? (audience laughing) You ever been sitting around? I notice Joe and Mary Anne are hardly ever home. I think I'm gonna sell their stuff. (audience laughing) House for sale by neighbors. (audience laughing) Driving yesterday, I passed a picnic area, no facilities. What a great concept here. How many times you been driving down the road thinking to yourself, man do I gotta take a picnic. (audience laughing) You guys like magic? (audience cheering) Yeah, I don't do any. The only thing that appears outta nowhere for me is the police. (audience laughing) I always say stupid things when they pull me over. "You know how fast you were going?" I'm like well, apparently a very catchable rate. (audience laughing) I got a picnic like a racehorse. (audience laughing) Maybe you can tell, I'm from the South. I live in New York now. Where are you from? - Virginia! - Virginia, all right. Neighbors. (audience laughing) Things are different where we live, right? Like the crime. Like they won't break into your house where I'm from, but they'll hook it up to a hitch. (audience laughing) You could be driving home past your house. Hey, there's our stuff! (audience laughing) My dog's trying to keep up. I got biscuits in there! People would ask me why do you live in the South? I'd be like, that's where my stuff is. (audience laughing) Here's the one I didn't like. What's it like living in the South? I would make stuff up. Oh, it's great. We got glaciers and unicorns, and Spider-Man lives there. (audience laughing) It's like living anywhere else. Get up in the morning, gather your stuff up, and head on home. (audience laughing) I travel, that's what I do, people. I do a lot of flying. Anybody else? - Yeah. - Yeah! This is how I think they should board airplanes now. Now boarding anyone that doesn't have a ton of stuff to drag onto the plane. (audience cheering) Next we'll begin boarding people that understand the alphabet and numerology. (audience laughing) Have you seen these people sitting in row 21D checking every row? One, no, two, no. Sit down! You ever fly with creepy people? - Yes! - Yeah, like this guy might do something to the plane. Start asking him questions. What are you doing next week? (audience laughing) To make sure they got plans for the future. (audience laughing) And if you're sick and you have to fly, I understand, but take some medicine. Drink a bottle of something. Don't be sitting there coughing and sneezing all over me. I had a lady on a plane blowing her nose, putting the Kleenexes on the food tray. Yeah, and my shampoo's gotta be in a plastic bag? (audience laughing) Put her in a plastic bag and let my shampoo roam freely. (audience laughing) Do a lot of driving. You ever been driving on the highway, get off the highway, and immediately get back on the highway so you can be in a different group of idiots? (audience laughing) Yeah, I'm one of the idiots. I'm serious, I used to try and be a good driver. I have given up! I took my mirrors off. Screw everybody! (audience laughing) That's great. So, my big thing all day, I love to watch TV. I love to watch TV. Do you guys watch TV? (audience cheering) I love the news. Hate it when they tease you with the news during the commercials, try to get you to stay up late at night. Tornadoes in the area. Find out if you've been hit at 10:00. You're like. (audience laughing) I'm gonna stay up awhile. (audience laughing) Big story in the news for me just happened again. Every month our government has to pass a bill to borrow more money to keep running. It scares me that I have better credit than our country. (audience laughing) I found some things that waste money and every 10 years, a census. Millions of people spending millions of dollars to count people. Don't you think if they want to count the population, they would count the birth certificates, the death certificates? Subtract! (audience laughing) That's how we do it in the South, right? (audience laughing) It takes about an hour and we're back on the streets. (audience laughing) Here's a story I hate on the news every night, the terrorists getting the publicity. If I was the anchorman, had to report these stories, I would say things to make the terrorists mad. Like, I would call Isis Is, Is. (audience laughing) I'd be like the new terrorist group Is Is is angry, angry. (audience laughing) And they wanna attack New York New York 'cause they're cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. (audience laughing) This just in, Donald Trump says the night he's elected, Is, Is is gonna be a was, was. (audience laughing) World's gone crazy, hasn't it, buddy? It's getting to the point where everyone's gonna need to carry a weapon, and you know Apple will be all over that. (audience laughing) Introducing the i-Gun. (audience laughing) You can defend yourself in an attack, call the police, take a picture of the attacker, post it on Twitter, and then listen to your favorite music while you wait for the authorities to come. (audience laughing) It's the i-Gun! (audience laughing) Watching the Trump channel today, CNN. (audience laughing) It is! Seems like he's being investigated by every organization in the world. Can you imagine if Trump goes to jail? Going to be an interesting season on Orange Is the New Black. (audience laughing) I travel for my job. I have some fun things I do. I've been to Las Vegas. Have you been there? - Yeah! - Sure, next time you go, do what I do every time I go. Billboards everywhere, 1-800-GAMBLER. Do you have a gambling problem? I call 'em every time. I'm like yeah, you think I could borrow 100 bucks? (audience laughing) Been to New York? Anybody from New York? - Woo! - I love New Yorkers. Here's why. No filter. Here's what I'm thinking. You're gonna hear it. I'm sitting at a bar in Rochester. Guy next to me goes, "Where you from?" I go, from the South. He goes, "Yeah, I couldn't live there." I go why not? You should check it out. The women are very beautiful. Swear the guy looks at me and goes, "Yeah, I don't know "if I could be with no chick "that sounds stupid." (audience laughing) (audience cheering) I'm like, I see what you're saying Einstein! (audience laughing) I've been to Hawaii. Have you been there? (audience cheering) I ran the marathon there. Stupidest thing I ever did in my life. (audience laughing) My feet caught on fire. It took forever to finish the race. I'm getting to the finish line, they're taking the tents down, I'm like I'm not done yet! And the ladies like, "It's Wednesday." (audience laughing) Well, I been to Arizona. Have you been there? (audience cheering) My parents lived there. Spent a week with them. Found this out. The best time I ever had in my life every night as a kid in front of the TV with my mom and my dad, watching my dad try to stay awake past nine o'clock. (audience laughing) Every night, eight o'clock in the recliner, eyeballs icing up. Whoa! 8:15, minor head bobs, two to three inches. (audience laughing) 8:30, Ray Charles. (audience laughing) Quarter to 9:00, out like a light. Nine o'clock, we're in the kitchen with a can of Reddi-wip. (imitating Reddi-wip can spraying) (audience laughing) So, I used to do that. You could do anything while dad was sleeping, set the dog on fire, tie up mom, have a beer, anything! (audience laughing) Except for change that channel. (audience laughing) "What are you doing? "Can't you see "I'm watching this show?" (audience laughing) Now come on, Dad. I've seen this one. They don't get off the island. (audience laughing) My dad was tired 'cause he worked hard he was a autoworker, built cars. He'd come home mad. "What you kids do all day?" We're like, nothing. (audience laughing) "I built 100 cars!" We'll build ya something. Then when we got older and cockier. He was like, "What'd you kids do all day?" I'm like dad, do you know all them cars you've been building? Wrecked one. (audience laughing) See now you're up there, 100 a day, you oughta be able to fix that one in half-an-hour 'cause you the man! My mom, the woman, she would not stop working Saturday mornings, six o'clock in your bedroom running the vacuum. (imitating vacuum) "No you go back to sleep. "You ain't even know I'm in here." (audience laughing) I'm like come on, they're wooden floors. (audience laughing) Mom gave us a lot of jokes. Do you remember goofing off in front of them at the relatives? She's be like, "You want me "to go over there "and slap you?" No. (audience laughing) My all-time favorite, act your age. All right, I'm eight. (audience laughing) My grandpa told me to do that. Tried it on my parents. It didn't work out so well. (audience laughing) Had a great grandfather. Anybody else have a cool grandfather? (audience cheering) Sure, grandpas are great. They can do things us kids would only dream of doing like telling my dad to sit down and shut up. (audience laughing) Remember that day? Dad, grandpa said sit down and be quiet. Here he comes, here he comes! (audience laughing) You're gonna get us both grounded. Wouldn't that be cool, your dad's grounded, you're not? Outside knocking on the window. Come on out. I got the car keys! (audience laughing) Worst thing for me growing up, hand-me-downs. Anybody else? - Yes. - Yeah. My oldest brother, 19 years older than me. (audience laughing) I would get stuff and a year later, it would come back in style. (audience laughing) I'm going to see Pink Floyd looking like Greg Brady. (audience laughing) Plenty of seats over here, everybody! (audience laughing) Now I'm 56 years old. Anybody my age or older? - Woo! - Couple of ya, sure. Body's starting to play tricks on ya? - Yeah. - I don't remember that. (audience laughing) - He said I don't remember. (audience laughing) Stand up, you'll remember. (audience laughing) Every now and then a hair inside my nose or ear will go for no reason. (audience laughing) No wind, no bug. Oh, what was that? (audience laughing) I walked around hitting myself. This is what I do now I'm 56. I have to stand up five seconds before I need to start walking. (audience laughing) Hey, it's time to go? Oh. I'm all right, I'm all right. I'll be walking along having a fine day, just a fine, perfect day, and my knee will go on break. I'll be like man, I can't believe how nice it is today. (audience laughing) I sure hope the fish are biting when I get down or back up. I look like a chicken trying to get home. (audience laughing) Ever wake up injured? (audience laughing) Yeah, you're like what is wrong with my wrist? (audience laughing) Oh yeah, I made a bowl of ice cream yesterday. (audience laughing) I have to warm up to make ice cream. I'm out there. (audience laughing) I practice ice cream safety. (audience laughing) You ever get a cramp in a weird place like your eye? (audience laughing) Was I looking at it too hard? (audience laughing) This is what I do now I'm 56. I can watch a squirrel for like an hour. (audience laughing) That's what I do when he jumps to the next tree. Then the next day I'm like what's wrong with my knee? (audience laughing) Oh yeah, I've been squirrel watching. (audience laughing) You ever do this, you ever lose something that's in your hand? (audience laughing) You're like man, I haven't seen my phone in a while. I should have somebody call and see if it rings. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Some of you done that today. (audience laughing) Here's something I do all the time. Now I will come out of a store, no idea where I parked my car. You ever lose your own car? Nothing says loser more than walking around the mall parking lot hitting the panic button. You're like dink, dink, come on, horn. We're lost. It's snowing, we're cold! One time I spent a half an hour at the airport parking lot looking for my car before I realized someone had dropped me off at the airport. (audience applauding) Ever try to get into a car that looks like yours? (audience laughing) Think you've unlocked the door, rip your fingernails off 'cause the door's still locked? Guh! And the guy in the car's like, you're an idiot. (audience laughing) It's running. Wipers. (audience laughing) Policeman. (audience laughing) I have to wear reading glasses. Anyone else? Yeah, yeah! Sometimes I forget 'em. Worst case scenario, restaurant. Low lighting, small words on the menu. I forget my reading glasses, I have to order what I think they have. (audience laughing) I go to a steakhouse, you better believe it. Give me the steak! Mexican, you know I love 'em. Couple of tacos! (audience laughing) Olive Garden, gotta have it. Plate of olives. (audience laughing) And I used to be able to eat anything, any time, anywhere. Now if I eat a cheeseburger past nine o'clock, it sounds like my stomach is re-killing the meat. It's like (groaning), and it's embarrassing sitting around with a bunch of your friends and your stomach's going (groaning). "Is that your stomach?" No, that's my ringtone. Got a call, gotta go! (audience laughing) It's embarrassing. Ever try to do something you haven't done in a while? - Yeah. - Find out a little bit too late you can't do it anymore. (audience laughing) When you're a kid, you run through the park, come across a fence, put your hands on top, throw your legs over and keep running and not miss a beat. But you ain't been in that park in 10 years. You're a little slower, a little fatter, gravity's got a pretty good hold of you at this point. Everything in your head says don't do it, you're an idiot. Everything in your heart says give it one more try! (audience laughing) So, you take off running for that fence. You can hear your heart beating in your ears. It's going abort, abort, abort. Abort, abort. Get up to that fence, put your hands on top, throw your legs up and they only go two feet high and the fence is three feet high, and you smash into that fence. 10 seconds later a 16-year-old boy hits upload and you are now a viral sensation. (audience laughing) They say when you get older gravity is hard on you, right? It makes everything sag and droop, and blah, blah, blah. I'm happy for gravity. Could you imagine if fat went up? (audience laughing) We'd all be walking around like bobblehead dolls in retirement. Hey, you how doing? Hardly hold my head up anymore. (audience laughing) Getting older's tough. You ever put somewhere, put something somewhere so you won't lose it, then you forget where you put it so you gotta go looking for it, and while you're looking for it, you find other things that you put places so you wouldn't lose 'em. (audience laughing) Now you gotta find new places to put these things. Finally find what you were looking for, you don't need it anymore. (audience laughing) Can't watch the medical shows anymore like The Doctors or just a simple commercial with medicine in it 'cause if I listen too closely, I think I have the problem. - Yeah! (audience laughing) - 'Cause the symptoms are so vague, aren't they? Like do you have achiness? I have that, oh yeah. (audience laughing) Do you have trouble sleeping at night? I have that too, I have that too. Find yourself lost in a mall parking lot looking for your car a lot these days? I got it really bad! (audience laughing) I have mad cow disease. (audience laughing) I have dyslexia, I really do. A lot of people think I don't have it. This comedy, plan B. (audience laughing) I have dyslexia. Not a bad disease. I can use those handicap parking spaces. (audience laughing) Just gotta back the car in. (audience laughing) Here's my favorite dyslexic joke. You know, that book didn't begin like I thought it would. (audience laughing) What a turn-pager. (audience laughing) I have a mustache. People think you have a mustache, you're a tough guy. I'm a sissy. I cry during American Idol. I'm like, Timmy's going home. I can't believe it! (audience laughing) Bikers come up to me all the time. "You ride?" I'm like ride what? They're like, "Hogs." I go no, my feet drag on the ground. (audience laughing) Got me a horse. I'm a big boy now. (audience laughing) Terrible getting old. People think you have a mustache, you're handy, try to trick you into fixing their things. (audience laughing) "Hey, you know anything "about air conditioning?" Yeah, it's magical. (audience laughing) I set the house on fire hanging a picture on the wall. Fireman's like, "It happens a lot." I'm like, really? He goes, "No, you're an idiot." (audience laughing) I start crying. (audience laughing) People think you have a mustache, you should be able to work on your own car. I don't know anything about cars. You know what the check engine light means to me? Car is almost broken. (audience laughing) If that light goes out, we're in trouble. When it first came on, I thought it was just a light letting me know that I had an engine. (audience laughing) Engine, check! (audience laughing) I would get in other people's car and go how do you know you got an engine? You should get a light. (audience laughing) It's a good job being a comedian. Don't always want to be a comedian. Some day I want to open a construction company called Meh, It Looks Pretty Good. (audience laughing) Some guy on the side of the truck, eh. (audience laughing) Anybody got a job you don't like, terrible job? - Woo! - Ah yeah, what do you do back there? - Sales! - Sales? - Yeah! - That's awfully vague. (audience laughing) - I sell name tags. - You sell name tags? - Aw! - So that's kinda hard, right? You gotta guess their name? Are you Bob? (audience laughing) I got a couple Bobs over here. (audience laughing) What kind of name tags? - For whatever they need. - For whatever they need. All right, so you just wait for people that don't have a name tag on. (audience laughing) I could hook you up. (audience laughing) The rest of us got 'em on. I think you should have one. (audience laughing) Well, you're the first name tag salesman I ever met in my life. (audience laughing) Can you get me one? All right, I feel lucky! Now that's a good job right there. People need name tags, like at the store. They got name tags. Oh, just trying to think of another place (audience laughing) like corporate events and things like that? Yeah, alright see I'm getting closer. (audience laughing) Well, that's not a bad job. People will always need name tags till we start painting our names on our head or something, shave it in the side. You're good! Don't snap at work. People snap at work all the time. I heard a voice! The only job I think I might hear voices on, bank teller. We can do that job. Them 100 dollar bills be going psst, Tom! (audience laughing) Won't you take us home tonight? All right, all right, all right! Let me get my name tag. We'll be on our way. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) That's the worst job ever. Any bank tellers here? Terrible job all day long. This ain't mine, this ain't mine, this ain't mine, this ain't mine. (audience laughing) A lot of jobs I could never do, like I could never be a doctor. Any doctors here? - Yep! - Yes, what do you do? - Family doctor. - Family doctor! So you just bring 'em all in at once? (audience laughing) Try and find the sick one? (audience laughing) That's a good job right there, right? I could never do your job. If I didn't know what was wrong with you, I would just make something up. (audience laughing) I'd be like, I'm sorry to tell you, but you have ugly-osis. (audience laughing) You should eat more bananas. (audience laughing) That'd be my remedy for everything, buddy. I'd be looking at your X-rays. I think your sprained your spatula. (audience laughing) You should eat more bananas. (audience laughing) I could never be in the military. Anybody in the military? I could never do that job. I don't know about you guys. I would run out of ammunition every day. They'd be like, "Foss, five days? "You know you've run out "of ammunition?" I think I saw something! (audience laughing) We're in Utah. You never know. (audience laughing) I could never be a politician. I'm lazy. I would just say whatever the people wanted to hear. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) That joke's over! (audience laughing) You don't like it, any of my jokes, I got a website, I got Facebook. Write me and complain. I don't know a lot about computers! (audience laughing) You seem surprised. (audience laughing) Worst thing for me, my computer, I have to buy something for it or anything like that. Go down to the store. Hey, I need something for my computer. They're like, "Well, "what kind of computer you got?" Oh, there's one I wasn't ready for. (audience laughing) It's kinda almond colored. It's like a TV, but it's not. (audience laughing) Here's the problem. I'm pushing that little blue button and the cup holder's not sliding out. (audience laughing) Have to be careful online! The other night I was online, hit the wrong button, bought the Cleveland Browns! (audience laughing) I got 'em in the garage. They aren't very happy! I don't even shut the door. I just painted the goal line across there and they will not go over that thing. (audience laughing) I have a cellphone. You got cellphones, right? There's one right there. Sure. Be careful. A couple weeks ago, driving down the highway, a delivery van pulls out in front of me. I gotta slam on the breaks, spilled my coffee, and I'm angry, but the company's phone number is on the side of the truck. I'm like bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop! Hey, one of your idiot drivers just pulled out in front of me. I had to slam on the brakes, spilled my coffee, and I'm mad! He's like, "Is this the idiot "in the brown "Chevy truck back there?" I'm like, (audience laughing) No! (audience laughing) Traveling around, wherever I go, I love to play sports. I'm a golfer. Any golfers? - Yeah! - Right back there. Are you any good? - No! - Yeah, I'm terrible too. Don't worry about it. I'm in the only golfer in the country who needs a compass for his second shot. (audience laughing) My idea of a good round of golf leaving with the same people I came with. (audience laughing) Sometimes I come out of the woods, they are gone! (audience laughing) No, I always end up golfing with the guy that duffs a tee shot, three in the woods, four in the pine, in the sand trap 20 minutes. Ah! Finally get it in the hole. You go what'd you get? And they're like, "Four." (audience laughing) I did so! I love fishing. Guys will go fishing just 'cause there's a little beer involved. Right, like I'm ready! Forgot my pole. (audience laughing) I'm driving by Lake Erie one day, two guys fishing dressed in full camouflage. (audience laughing) These boys are drinking, right? Like the fish are going darn, y'all. Look, a bush with a pole. (audience laughing) Ever watch fishing on TV? It's the worst. I was watching fishing on TV. Guy in his boat, he had a fishfinder. I'm like pretty sure they're in the water. (audience laughing) Any of you ladies go fishing? - Yes. - Right here. You put the worm on the hook? - I do! - Oh! I can't do that. That's like knitting with live yarn. (audience laughing) I can't do it. All my worms in the back of the box are on crutches. Man, he messed us up. Look at me! (audience laughing) I'm the worst at these thing, yeah. Can't hunt. Last year I got a one-point buck. Woulda been an eight-point, but his head hit the bumper real square. (audience laughing) Kinda crinkled up my trophy. Now I got a deer over the fireplace looks like he's gonna sneeze. (audience laughing) It's the worst. Hunter, are you a hunter? - [Man] Woo! - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah! You're a big guy. Got the camouflage. (growling) Hey! Got the beard? (audience laughing) You don't even need a gun. You'd be like, "Get in the truck!" (audience applauding) Love sports You like football? Who's your favorite football team? - Saints! - Cowboys? - Cowboys! - Broncos, Broncos! - Broncos? - Yeah! - Alright. I like college football. - Yeah! - Yeah! - I think they make too much money in the pros. $10 million a year? I should never see a guy making $10 million a year limping to the sideline. He should have to stay in the game until something falls off. (audience member applauding) Too much celebration in football. A guy will make a tackle. "Yeah, look at me, "I knocked someone down." You're making $10 million a year. Shut up! For $10 million a year, your helmet oughta light up and the flares shoot out your uniform somewhere. You don't see blockers running around. Look at me, I got in the way! (audience laughing) If I'm making $10 million a year, only time I will celebrate, every two weeks when I get my darn check! - Yeah! - I'll be headbutting people I don't even know! Six figures, two weeks of work. Who's the man? (audience laughing) Driving back to the high school and show it to that math teacher who thought I was stupid. Six figures, two weeks of work. Who's the man? Here's an apple. I can afford 'em now. Whoa! (audience laughing) Love some sports. I'm married. Any married people? (audience cheering) Right down here, how long you been married? - A year and a half. - A year and a half! You're still happy? - Oh yeah! - Keep it up, buddy. My wife is beautiful. Kind of famous too, fictional writer. Maybe you've read one of her checks. (audience laughing) So man, a year and a half, yeah. I don't know why I got married. I'm not good at it. I don't have what it takes to be in a successful relationship. I'm not a mind reader. (audience laughing) I had a woman tell me one time, "You should know that about me!" I'm like whoa, you should know that I'm not gonna know that about you. (audience laughing) That makes you twice as dumb as me. (audience laughing) My wife is beautiful and don't know it! I was on a diet. Been on a diet two years. I'm thinking mathematically she should be gone by now! (audience laughing) We'll get dressed to go somewhere. She's like honey, "Do I look fat in this "or are you just saying that "to make me feel good?" What's a guy supposed to say? Well, sure you look a little. (audience laughing) I didn't know you could pick up the TV! (audience laughing) You will never see a guy come down. Honey, do I look fat in this? 'Cause she would go, "Yes. "You plus clothes equals more, (audience laughing) "and you might want to take "that white sweatshirt off "or a snowplow will "push you in the corner "of a parking lot." (audience applauding) I'm like lighten up, baby. It's Christmas! (audience laughing) You in the hat, is everything all right? You guys argue? - Not really. - Not really? Yeah. You just don't know you're in one. (audience laughing) When the furnace is on, but it's still a little chilly. (audience laughing) Me and my wife argue over things that don't exist. I'm driving down the road in Canada, I pass a big lake. I'm like honey, let's go for a walk on the beach. She goes, "Oh shoot, "I didn't bring any shoes to walk in." I'm like, hmm? All my shoes are walkable. (audience laughing) Did you buy shoes you can walk in? (audience laughing) Who sells them? "Hey, sit down. "You can't walk in them. "They're my sitting down shoes!" I'm sorry. (audience laughing) I'm like, shoes you can't walk in? Suppose you have your ain't driving pants on, your ain't carrying luggage shirt, and you ain't paying for anything purse, too. (audience applauding) (audience laughing) So, I'm walking home from Canada. (audience laughing) - In your walking shoes! - In my walking shoes. You got it. Here's a weird argument we had. You're gonna have this one someday. We bought a washer 'cause our dryer broke. (audience laughing) Dryer's spinning around, seizes up. I'm standing in Sears. She goes, "What do you think?" I go, it's kinda nice but it's a washer. We just need a dryer. "Oh, we're gonna get a washer too." I'm like, why's that? "'Cause when the washer breaks, "we may not be able "to find a white one "to match the dryer 'cause white "is such a rare appliance color." (audience laughing) You mean we're getting a new washer 'cause our other one is yellow? Hm, how about if I swing through hardware and pick us up a can of paint? (audience laughing) So, I'm walking home from Sears (audience laughing) carrying a very white washer. (audience laughing) You can't win an argument with a woman, can ya, fellas? - No! - You know why? If you're about to win the argument, they will change the subject. (audience laughing) (woman cheering) She'll be like, "I never been to California. "I've never been to California." Where'd you get that T-shirt you're wearing? "That's another thing. "Every time we go to California, "you're looking at other women." (audience laughing) My wife is funny. We had a cookout, a bunch of guys sitting around bragging about who had the nicest house. One guy goes our house is so clean you can eat off the floors. She goes, "You can eat off our floors, too. "There's some Doritos right there, "chicken finger. "Help yourself!" (audience laughing) Don't ever forget her birthday, buddy. That'll be the worst day of your life. I forgot my wife's birthday one time. Never happened again. In fact, now I keep a present for her in the trunk of the car at all times. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I'm back there going oh no, I hope she needs a jack! (audience laughing) So, good luck to ya, my friend. Well, the great things I get to do with my job, I travel around the world, entertaining our troops. (audience cheering) I been to Iraq several times. Everything went well for me till I found out I didn't get a gun. They give the comedians a helmet, a vest, and a sleeping bag. I'm like hey, I don't see a gun here nowhere. "I'm sorry, sir. "We cannot give you a gun." Oh! Are you kidding me? I will gladly trade this pile in for a gun. (audience laughing) "I'm sorry, sir. "We cannot give you a gun." Oh great, we're under attack. Don't worry, guys. I'll block for us. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! (audience laughing) I did so much complaining about not getting a gun, they let me fire a round off from a tank. (imitates tank booming) Yeah! Well, I thought the guy said sure, go ahead. (audience laughing) Turns out he said, "Get out "and don't bump your head!" (imitates tank booming) Who knows how to drywall? (audience laughing) Stupid thing we did in Iraq. We did a show at night on top of the compound we're staying in in the North somewhere. It is nine o'clock at night, pitch black out. The only light for miles shining on me! (audience laughing) Shaking in my boots. When to Bahrain. They flew us out to an aircraft carrier. Ever get a chance to go on one of these ships, my advice to you, do not board this ship dressed like a pirate. (audience laughing) They don't think that's funny. (audience laughing) I get off, I'm like arr, take me to your captain. Bock, bock, bock. So, I'm swimming back to Bahrain. (audience laughing) Went to Japan after the tsunami and earthquake doing shows for the Navy over there. Navy commander's on base all day going, "There's no danger of radiation!" I'm like you are kidding me. Why is my Orville Redenbacher popping and it's not in the microwave? (audience laughing) Today I charged my phone by holding it tightly. (audience laughing) Two of my all-time favorite jokes of all time. Little boy walks in the kitchen, he says, "Mom, "I'll be good all day for five bucks." She says, what and be like your dad and be good for nothing? (audience laughing) It is hot up here. So, a retired couple go to the county fair. Walking around the county fair, they come across a display, biplane rides for 10 bucks. The husband says, Honey, I've always wanted to ride in a biplane. Let's do that. She goes, "We ain't got 10 bucks. "10 bucks is 10 bucks "and you ain't going." He's like I worked my whole life, provided for the family, never missed a day's work, no? "That's right, we ain't got 10 bucks, "10 bucks, or 10 bucks, "and you ain't going." The pilot hears the couple arguing and wants to get rid of 'em, walks over and says I'll make you two a deal. I'll take both of you on that plane. If you can be quiet the whole flight, I'll give it to you for free, but if I hear one peep back there, 10 bucks. So, they agree. They take off in the plane. As soon as the wheels leave the ground, the pilot pulls the plane up and climbs as high as it will climb. Climbed a little higher, turns the engine off, they come spiraling back to the Earth. At the last second, turns it on, pulls it up, two barrel rolls, two loop-de-loops, straight up and down barrel rolls, loop-de-loops for an hour, tries to scare this couple. Not a peep! Finally gives up, takes the plane back to the fair, lands it, turns the engine off, turns around and the woman is gone. (audience laughing) He says sir, what happened? He goes well, that first barrel roll you did, she fell out. I was gonna say something, but 10 bucks is 10 bucks. (audience laughing) All right, thank you so much.
